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This is my second piece of Red Dwarf FanFic. I finished writing it on Sunday15 Aug 1998. You'll enjoy it a lot more if you've seen some of the episodes of Red Dwarf. If you haven't seen themall, there'll be some jokes in here that you won't get. My advise: go andwatch all the episodes. If you've watched them, but forgotten them, they'vebeen re-done (or "re-mastered") now, so you've got a good excuse to watchthem again.

Legal bit: Almost everything here is copywrite by the BBC. The rest of itis copywrite me, Simon Grayson. You can distribute it anywhere you want,including the web, fanzines, etc. but you MUST keep all this info at the top with it. Also, if you put it somewhere where loads of people are going to read it, I'd appreciate it if you could E-mail me to let me know.

Written By 'Lord MooseHammer'

Thoughts drifting... to another time... before he had met Cloister... when Cloister was but a myth... before the arcs had left...

The happy days of his childhood? No, certainly not. His childhood certainly couldn't be called happy.

He had come out of the 2 minute lesson Religion lesson. God, he hated double lessons! Being told about Cloister the Stupid, and believing it all. Later, he would laugh at himself for believing any of it. Later still, he would realise that it was all true.

That girl (Names? No, not back then) was standing there. He went up to her and started talking to her. They were about to start having sex when that guy started walking towards them. He started laughing at him, ridiculing him for believing in Cloister.

He was the only one in the class who had believed all the stories he had heard of Cloister. During the lesson, the story of the great freeze, the story about the time Cloister and Arano Dimmo, his most faithful deciple, had attacked a giant chicken. And the story of the time Cloister had drunk the powerful insanity potion that he had been given by the evil "Lager Bore", which had made Cloister run around shouting "I love you" and falling asleep in his own locker.

As such he had been taunted inside the classroom, the others shouting things like "baby" and "Closy". "Closy" was a word meaning "creature who is almost as ugly as Cloister and hopes that by believing in him he will find another creature who is uglier than him". The reason a word had been needed for this was that none of the group had ever had the patience to say the entire sentence.

He ignored it, turned back to her.

She was laughing as well. She left with that guy, leaving him on his own. Seconds later, he could her the noise of them...

The ground shook. It shook again, and he could hear noises, noises that he knew, but that shouldn't be there... they reminded him of two words that should mean a lot... Red... Alert?

Then a voice... Soft and gentle, but it wasn't her... it was... before he worked it out, the voice changed into something much harsher, more nasal. He knew this voice, it was Goal Post head..!

"Wake up you stupid animal, we've just hit something!"

"I have to admit, they did a good job!" Rimmer looked out of the window of Starbug, looking at the outside of Red Dwarf. He had always felt pride looking at the ship, but for the first time, Lister was sharing that joy.

For years, Lister had hated being on that ship, the last human alive with only Kryten and Cat for company, but now it was different. He had never gone on a tour of the ship from outside, but he was so happy to have the ship back that he decided to do it for the first time. Rimmer was shocked at his request. He had gone outside in Starbug many times, just to look at the ship, but he had never thought Lister would want to join him.

"It's better than that, I've got them inside me again, working properly" put in Kryten.

The four of them, Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and Kochanski, were standing in a row, in that order, looking out of the window at the giant of a ship in front of them.

Lister left Rimmer's side to stand next to Kochanski. As he walked past him, Rimmer could sense that he was walking differently, the way he only walked when he was trying to impress *her*. He looked across, and sure enough, there she was.

"Ms. Kochanski, ma'am, how are you this morning?"

Kochanski wasn't sure what to make of Rimmer's fake politeness. He only did it when Lister was trying to impress her, which was whenever he was in the same room as her. What was it with Rimmer? Jealousy? If so, was he jealous of Lister being with a girl (which she kept trying to explain to him that he wasn't), or was he as bad as Kryten, being jealous of Kochanski because Lister was showing such an interest in her?

"Fine thanks, Rimmer." She was considering saying something about dropping the formality, but knew he would just laugh fakely and carry on doing it until Lister left the room.

She sat down at the table. Lister moved to sit down next to her, but Kryten quickly intercepted and sat down between them. Rimmer moved around the table to sit opposite all of them. Kochanski was getting sick of this, the others always plotting their movement around her.

She was about to say something to start a conversation when the ship stared shaking.

All four of them raced towards the cockpit of Starbug, Red Alert sirens blasting in their ears. Kochanski cursed herself for leaving Cat in there on his own. He could usually be trusted, but sometimes he just got into a mood and refused to act like a normal... Kochanski reminded herself that he 'wasn't' a normal human, and that she shouldn't expect so much from him.

"What the hell's going on?" asked Kochanski as she entered the drive room, "the sensors read we've hit something! Cat, what's going on?"

"No use asking him!" shouted Rimmer. He could see the Cat asleep in his seat. "The smeging thing's fallen asleep!" He leaned foreword towards him, shouting "Wake up you stupid animal, we've just hit something!"

The Cat bolted out of his bad dream, grabbing the controls in front of him. He turned to his left to see Cloister sitting there. If only the others were still around, he'd show them who was a "Closy" now!

Kryten stood over his shoulder as he got the ship back under control. Cat hated having Goal-Post head back on the ship, it meant that there weren't enough seats in the cockpit.

The ship was soon under control, at which point Lister turned to him, saying "What happened? Why did you fall asleep?"

"I was tired" answered Cat, "It's been almost 2 hours since my last nap!"

"Everything's under control now" said Kochanski, hoping that the conversation wouldn't move to asking why Cat was in the cockpit on his own, why don't you go and have a lie down, Cat, I'll stay on duty here. Rimmer, you stay with me."

"Yes, certainly, Ma'am"

"I don't need to lie down" protested Cat, "I've slept for 5 minutes! It'll be at least another hour before I need to have another nap." he sniffed the air, and then said, "I need to wash, though" and left.

He didn't need to leave to wash himself, of course, but he found it was a better idea to. The humans always went to the bathroom to clean themselves, as they had to use the shower or the bath that was in there. Cat didn't need to go there, he could clean himself by tongue anywhere, but the others objected whenever he did it in front of them, so he usually went to the bathroom as well.

"Rimmer, man" said Lister, "you can go as well, I'll stay here with Kriss."

"No sir" said Kryten, "we should go. Right now."

Before Lister could protest, Kryten started walking towards the doorway. As Lister was standing between him and the doorway, he had no choice but to leave.

"You shouldn't have left him on his own, you know" said Rimmer, smuggly.

Kochanski was getting really sick of this. Lister was trying to impress her, Kryten was trying to keep him apart from her, and now Rimmer was trying to score petty points over her.

"He's a good pilot. He should be able to be left alone for 5 minutes. I think you'll find that Space Corps directive 23991 states that there only needs to be one pilot in the cockpit at any point."

Rimmer had looked up that same directive moments earlier, knowing that he would want to use something like that. "It says that there only needs to be one Space Corps pilot in the cockpit at any point. He's not a member, he's the ship's pet."

Kochanski knew that if she argued, Rimmer would just push the point until she said that she agreed with him, so she decided not to bother.

"Sir, Ma'am" said Kryten, re-appearing in the doorway with Lister, "I think we should head back to Red Dwarf now, I've checked the scanners, and we hit a rogue asteroid. There was no significant damage, but the engines were hit, and we should get back so that they can be properly fixed."

As Kryten left, Rimmer and Kochanski worked in harmony to turn the ship around, without a word. It surprised Kochanski that the two of them seemed to be able to work together so well. If she had tried to do the same with Lister or Cat, who were actually better pilots, she would have had to give orders and repeat them, and they'd still end up working out of time with each other.

"Hey, Kriss" said Lister, "Do you want to watch a movie in my room when we get back? I found a couple of romantic movies in the locker room which..."

"No thanks, Lister" she said, sharply, leading him to slink off after Kryten. She didn't like being so cold towards him, but he wouldn't get the message any other way. The moment she showed a little kindness towards him, he took it as a romantic advance.

Maybe she was wrong to keep turning him down. Maybe she should have... No, certainly not! That was unthinkable. Or was it? She had needs to, and it had been months since she had last been with the Lister of her own universe. But this Lister? He was barely human!

But what choice did she have? Kryten was obviously out of the question. Cat had tried to show feelings for her in the past, but he was even more shallow than Lister, and if she spoke more than a sentence to him, he'd lose interest. That just left Lister, who she knew to be her own son and...

No, she told herself, that was even more ridiculous. She looked over at him. Maybe he wasn't so bad. He was sitting and reading something from the screen in front of him. Lost in concentration like that, he looked almost sexy.

"What're you reading?" she asked, hoping that her voice hadn't given away what she had been thinking.

"The Space Corps manual. It says here that you could be punished with 2 weeks in the brig for leaving a non crew member in the cockpit alone."


No... it wasn't fair...

She had turned him down. She had actually refused to have sex with him! This was such a rarity among the young cats that they had all gathered around to see what was happening. She was standing there, away from him, while the gathered crowd were laughing. Laughing at him.

He looked up to the picture of Cloister the Stupid that hung above the main meeting poing for strength. Help me ignore them, just like I've been told, he thought, give me strength Cloister.

But it was no use. That guy had just arrived, and he was standing next to her. Moving closer, laughing all the time. He couldn't let him get away with this, stealing her from him.

He lunged forwards, knocking him off his feet. He fell to the ground, and he started biting him. She looked on at them, watching the fight with interest. There was no challenge. He could easily defeat the cat on the ground. He could easily impress her.

He was thinking about impressing her so much that he didn't realise what he was doing. The next day, he learnt that the other cat had been killed in the attack.

Cat felt a sensation of falling, and woke up. He realised that he must have fallen off the lockers he was sleeping on.

He jumped up, and started looking for food.

He had a strange feeling about something. About the death. It wasn't... it wasn't... right. He had felt nothing at the time. It had been worth it. Someone who wasn't him had suffered, but he had gotten what he wanted. What was wrong with that?

But being around the monkeys had done something to him. Something he wasn't at all happy about. Lister had told him about human values after Cat had tried to eat him. His protests of "I was hungry" had little effect on Lister, who tried to explain to Cat that there were some things that should come above his own needs.

To the others, Cat still seemed vain and selfish, but he knew how much he had changed since his past. He had changed so much that he could feel... he could feel...

No, he told himself, it was all in the past. He didn't have to feel anything about it. He had killed. So what? Was that so wrong? Another part of his brain told him that it was, but he rationalised it by telling himself that it was all in the past, and that he didn't need to feel... to feel...

But he couldn't help himself. "Would you like it if someone killed you to get a girl?" his teacher had asked him after the event. 12 words had seemed like the longest lecture he had ever had at that time, but since he had been around the monkeys he had been able to keep his concentration for up to a minute when they were talking to him!

He thought about that question now. While he had been teaching Cat about human morals, Lister had quoted Earth religion, "do unto others what you would have other do unto you". It seemed like a silly thing for a God to say, but now that Cat thought about it, it made sense.

He had been bad towards that guy. He had killed him, when he shouldn't have. It was right that he should feel... feel...

Cat admitted it to himself. He was feeling this emotion for the first time. He felt... He felt... guilty.


Rimmer wouldn't have been more shocked if she had turned into a GELF and started dancing the Tango with a mongoose. Had she actually said that?

"I beg your pardon." he said, trying to make sure he didn't react to what she had said until he was completely sure she had said it.

"I said would you like to watch a romantic video with me" said Kochanski, suddenly wondering whether this was such a good idea after all.

"You want me to watch a romantic video with you"



"Yes. Listen, do you want to or not, Arnold?"

She looked hard at him, suddenly realising that he might not actually want to. Since arriving in this universe, everyone she met had lusted after her. Lister couldn't stop, and Cat seemed to be in love with her for about 2 minutes every couple of days. But Rimmer had never shown anything. She had always assumed that this was because he was trying to hide his emotions, so that he could ridicule Lister more convincingly.

She moved out of the way as he fainted.


Where was everyone, thought Lister. He was sitting in Kochanski's quarters, wondering why she wasn't there. He hadn't seen Cat or the others for a while either.

"Holly, where's the Cat?"

"He's in the Cargo Bay. I can't be more specific than that, my scanners aren't working properly in there."

"What's he doing there?"

"He said something about feeling guilty and wanting to go back to the scene of the crime"

"Guilty? Cat?" said Lister, surprised at the idea, "How about Kryten, where's he?"

"He's working on Starbug's engines."


"He's asleep."


"She's also asleep."

Where would she be asleep if she wasn't in her own quarters, though Lister. Maybe she was sleeping on Starbug. When she arrived on Red Dwarf, she said that she didn't like the idea of staying in her room, as she knew that the Kochanski of her universe had died there. Lister had tried to explain that she had died on the bridge, but this hadn't helped.

He thought that she was over sleeping on Starbug now, but obviously not. He made his way back to his own quarters to annoy Rimmer.


The main meeting point for the cats was the crossroads between two cargo corridors. There was a large picture of Cloister the Stupid still hanging over the central point. It had been years since Cat had seen this. He now looked at it, realising that it looked nothing like the monkey who called himself Lister.

He stepped over towards the point where he had had his argument with that guy. Cat started thinking about names. Maybe they did have a use after all, he couldn't even remember who that guy was now. He knew every male cat there was as "that guy".

There was still blood on the floor. It had been more than 20 years since it had happened (it had actually been much more, but Cat didn't understand the idea of stasis or deep sleep), but the blood was still staining the ground. Even the nanobots had de-constructed and re-constructed it perfectly.

Cat's face started to do something strange. He could feel something welling up inside him. Suddenly, he started crying. For the first time since he was 1 month old, the tears flowed freely from his face.


As the doors slid open, Lister could see Rimmer's head sticking out of his bed, a satisfied look on his face. He could also see that there was something else in his bed with him. Something about the same size as a person, with just some black hair showing over the sheets...

Oh smeg, thought Lister, he's got Inflatable Ingrid in there with him!

He let out a small laugh as he stepped towards Rimmer's bed. There were two DVD discs on his table. Lister was surprised. People like Rimmer didn't use arcane technology like DVD (only being able to fit a single movie on a disc! Absurd!), romantic people used DVD!

Lister picked up the discs to see what they were. "Star Trek XI: This time Riker and Troi finally get down to it and invite the doctor to join them for a threesome" (who's idea had it been to let Jonathan Frakes write the script?) and "Cassablanca III: This time it's personal"! Two of the most romantic (and slightly pornographic) films ever! What was Rimmer doing, showing Ingrid romantic films.

Lister decided to embarrass Rimmer by taking a picture of him with his blow-up doll. He took his camera out of his locker and slid over towards them. He leant over to take hold of the other edge of Rimmer's blanket, putting his weight on the doll's arm.

Suddenly, the doll started moving. Lister assumed that he was moving it himself, and adjusted his weight.

"Lister?" asked the doll.

Rimmer woke up as well, jerking up and knocking Lister onto the floor. From here, he looked up, seeing Rimmer half naked next to... Kochanski? Kriss had actually... she had turned him down to spend time with... Rimmer?

"Oh smeg, I'll just..." spluttered Lister, "I'll just go and help Kryten", and with that he left.

Rimmer suddenly realised what was going on. He had just done it for the 3rd time, and this one was the best of all! Yvonne McGruder had been good, but Lister had managed to make snide comments about her concussion for ages. Nirvanah Crane had been great, but Lister knew that she was only doing it because it was in her ship's regulations.

This, though, would be brilliant! Lister had really wanted to sleep with Kochanski, but he hadn't managed it, while Rimmer had! Rimmer was going to enjoy torturing Lister with this one for a long time!

And it had been quite fun as well.


Once again, the nightmares came.

Weeping, crying, sobbing, bawling.

It seemed like that was all he had ever been doing.

Showing weakness. That was what had happened. That was why she had refused to have sex with him at first, he had shown himself to be weak. When he had shown his strength, slaying his enemy, she had changed her mind, but not until that time.

It was the same as last time, but now it was different.

She had turned him down. She had actually refused to have sex with him! This was such a rarity among the young cats that they had all gathered around to see what was happening. She was standing there, away from him, while the gathered crowd were laughing. Laughing at him.

He looked up to the picture of Cloister the Stupid that hung above the main meeting poing for strength. Help me ignore them, just like I've been told, he thought, give me strength Cloister.

No, Cloister wouldn't give him strength, for he wasn't Cloister. As he looked at the picture, he realised that it was... Lister. As he looked closer, he realised that Lister wasn't going to give him strength, he was... he was laughing.

Now he was laughing and standing next to her. No, it wasn't her, it was... it was Officer B.B.

It was the same as before, but different.

It was no longer that guy who taunted him, and it was no longer that girl who had refused him, but it was the same.

Cat lept forewards to attack Lister in the same way he had attacked that guy, but Lister knocked him to the ground, where he started, weeping, crying, sobbing, bawling.

"You've always been weak, and you always will be!" taunted Lister.

"You'll never get be because you're weak!" jeered Bud Babe.

"NO!" Shouted Cat, waking up, "I'm not weak! I'll prove it to you, just you wait!"


"My favourite bit was when you tried to take a picture of us together!" said Rimmer, in soft light mode, "Do you think you could get that film developed, I'd like to keep it above my bed!"

"Shut the smeg up"

"And when you looked up at her! You should have seen your face!"

Lister lashed out at Rimmer, his image shimmering as Lister's fist made contact with the light bee, "No, no Lister" gloated Rimmer, "I'm afraid I'm in soft light mode. You're not getting me!"

"You smeg head!" shouted Lister, "I really fancied her! Don't your realise that? I really, really wanted to be with her! You stole her from me!"

"I couldn't technically steal her, you never had her."

"You know what I mean! I was trying to get somewhere with her when you stepped in, taking her for yourself!"

"Take her for myself?" asked Rimmer, his voice raised hight enough to surprise Lister into silence. A few awkward seconds passed, before Rimmer continued, "Just like you took Debbie from catering away from me when I brought her back here? Just like you took Julie for yourself when you saw me talking to her in the Disco? Just like you tried to take Camille for yourself when I realised she was my pefect woman?"

"I didn't try to take Camille from you! Both of us tried to come on to her AFTER Kryten had already met her!"

"Already met her?" screamed Rimmer, "That's the rule it? Whoever meets her first gets possesion of her? Let me ask you this, Lister, which of us met Krissy first? Which of us had been on the same ship as her for over 4 years before you met her in the ship's disco?"

Kochanski stepped through the doorway as Rimmer was saying this. Rimmer saw her as he finished talking, but Lister had his back to her, and carried on to say "Okay, I admit it, I stole Debbie and Julie from you, but Kriss is different, I don't just want to have sex with her, I love her! Happy now? I've said it, I LOVE HER!"


"Hey, officer Bud Babe, what's up?"

"Not much, Cat." said Kochanski, trying to avoid talking about her problems.

"So..." said Cat, trying to make small talk. It had been almost 5 seconds since he had walked into the room. Well, even the monkeys couldn't expect him to carry on for any longer than that. "Would you like to sleep with me?"


"Would you like to sleep with me?"

"No, Cat, I don't."


He would show them! Who was Cloister to try to laugh at him? Maybe he couldn't get Bud Babe, but there had to be someone else on the ship who was female! Lister had told him a number of times that there was no-one else on the ship, but it couldn't be true.

He could hear noise from Kryten's quarters, and he peered through the door. It was Kryten, and he was with someone. It was...

Cat's mind wandered back to the day that Hudzen had arrived on the ship. The night before, Lister had tried to make his life better, teaching him how great life could really be. As part of the evening's events, he had made a droid for Kryten. It was supposed to be a full sized replica of Marylyn Monroe, perfect in every detail. It actually looked nothing like her, but Kryten was completely fooled.

Cat could see Kryten now, together with the droid. He had something attached to his groinal socket. It wasn't a vacuum cleaner, it wasn't an egg whisk, it was...


"You don't understand, Kryters, I've got to do it."

Kryten had struggled with a lot of human emotions, but he couldn't understand jealousy. He had been informed that this was what he was feeling when he saw Lister and Kochanski together, but he still didn't understand the idea properly.

Lister had tried to explain that it was a matter of honour. Rimmer had stolen his girlfriend and then humiliated him in front of her. Kryten had tried to remind Lister that she wasn't actually his girlfriend and that he actually humiliated himself, but it was no use.

He kept going on about honour, and how he had to avenge the wrongs which Rimmer had caused him, which was why he and Kryten were now in the holo-emision room, trying to force Rimmer's hologram to stay in hard light mode. Lister was convinced that fighting him was the only solution to the problem.

"But sir, surely there's a better solution. You could sit down together and talks your problems over." Kryten's words fell on deaf ears as Lister continued to experiment with the different buttons finding out which ones had an effect they would have on the read outs in front of him.


Closing her eyes, she could believe it was someone else. It wasn't Arnold kissing her, it was Dave. Her Dave.

Or was it the Dave in this universe? She had seen his emotional outburst, but she had stayed with Rimmer. Why? She tried to tell herself that it was because she still couldn't trust Lister, but maybe it was just because she didn't have the heart to break up with Rimmer.

She had a tough choice to make again, and this time it was even harder. She could either stay with Rimmer who, let's face it, was a prat...

Sudenly Rimmer vanished, and she fell through him, hitting the floor. She got up just in time to see Rimmer re-appear, exactly where he had been. This time he was in black and white, though!


"Hmm" mused Lister, "that's not it. How about this one?"


Kochanski watched as Rimmer went through the colours of the rainbow, and eventually went back to his normal colour.

"Are you all right?" she asked, concerned.

"Fine. I think." She leant forewards to kiss him again, and fell to the floor once again, "but I think I'm in soft light mode".


Cat walked along the corridor towards the monkeys' quarters, whisteling. He had just slept for a whole half-hour without another one of his bad dreams, and he was H-A-P-P-Y!

He walked into the quarters just in time to see Lister land a punch on Rimmer.

"Stop it, both of you!" shouted Kochanski.

"Both of us?" asked Rimmer as Lister punched him again.

"Dave! Stop it!" said Kochanski, realising that the fight seemed to be somewhat one sided.

"Stay out of this Kriss, it's got nothing to do with you!" he shouted, kicking Rimmer's legs out from under him, "well, obviously it's got quite a lot to do with you, but the bit with you in has finished. It's nothing to do with you any more."

He sat on Rimmer's chest and repeatedly punched him in the head.

Cat walked over to the food dispenser at the side of the room, "Popcorn!". He took his order and sat down on Rimmer's bed to watch the fight.

"I don't see what the problem is, Listy" said Rimmer as Lister punched him some more, "It's not like the two of you were actually together any way. Listen, let me give you 3 pieces of advice. The first is that you shouldn't try to date above your class. Krissy, she's just above you"

Kochanski raised an eyebrow at this, remembering stories she had heard about how uneducated Rimmer was. Something about drinking warm Gazpatchio soup at the Captain's table.

"Second, learn to admit defeat. The better man won, accept it. I know it's hard for you to come to terms with the fact that I'm better than you, but you really don't have much choice."

Lister, who had been repeatedly punching Rimmer during his entire speech had worked up a huge sweat and had to stop. He sat down on a chair and said: "what's the third piece?"

"If you disconnect the blue wire in the holo-emision room, you disconnect all my nerves, meaning I can't feel anything at all."

Lister groaned, realising what a fool he had been making of himself. Cat started laughing out loud.

"What's with you, you stupid moggy?" asked Rimmer, "It's not like you've got much to boast about!"

"That's where you're wrong." said Cat, "Any moment now, you should see my new girlfriend."

Rimmer and Lister exchanged glances. "Cat," said Lister, "we've spoken about this, and I thought you understood, there are no females on Red Dwarf."

"Except for me" added Kochanski.

At that moment, the wall to the quarters collapsed. Through the rubble, they could see something coming towards them it was... Oh smeg.

"Guys, meet Marylyn, my new girlfriend."

"Sir" said Kryten, addressing Lister, "Do you remember what you said earlier about having to be violent towards anyone who steals your girlfriend?"

"Yeah, Kryters."

"Do you stand by it?"

"Well, kind of."

With that, Kryten lunged towards Cat and sent him flying across the room.

"Look, he's as bad a loser as you are", said Rimmer prompting Lister to attack him again.


"We've both come to a decision" said Kochanski, sitting next to the freaky droid.

"So who's it to be, Kriss? Me or Captain Smeg-head?" Lister said, not worried about how petty he sounded.

"Actually, Marylyn and I have decided to have a girls night out. We're going to Parrot's on deck 14 to have a drink together."

The 4 boys looked on wide mouthed as the two of them left the quarters.

My name is Simon Grayson. I'm a 17 year old (at time of writing;1998) boy, who lives in London.You can contact me via E-mail this

cyber bat’s message
totally smegtastic..nice to see some characterisation with the cat..and once again rimmer gets to sleep with somone…<..>