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This story was typed by ME and is copied word by word from issue #16 BETTER THAN LIFE MAGAZINE

By Paul “CAT” Prideaux. D.B.B

On the mining, ship Red Dwarf, 3,000,000 years into deep space, strange things were happening. First a Cat, who’s race of people had evolved for the past 3 million years, wasn’t very happy. “Hey grease stain!” yelled the Cat, “Watch what you’re doing, some of us are trying to sleep O.K.” “Sorry Cat but we’re movin’ out of here today,” said the now 6 months pregnant Lister, “Kryten finished decontaminating the officers block yesterday and the rooms are a LOT better tan this. “Yeah well don’t wake me up or I may have to eat you!” responded the Cat angrily.

The next day the Cat went investigating the new officers deck, and discovered that for once he didn’t have the advantage of knowing his way about, as this was the first time it had been opened so it hadn’t been mapped by Cat kind. The Cat discovered that there was no locker for him to curl up on top of. “Hey Head!” The Cat yelled at the monitor with Holly on, “Where’s freak face?” He was gonna put a shelf up for me.” Holly waited a minute and then said “If you mean Kryten, then he’s in the newly decontaminated cargo bay, but if you mean Arnold then he’s in the Hologram Projection Suit picking a new uniform. “Ta man, I’ll go get old fishing float head now!”

Kryten was pleased, not only had he been freshly repaired but he had now found two more transport craft. “Starbug 1 and Starbug 2” he said, “Only one problem though, no one can fl them”. Kryten dismissed this thought as that little detail hadn’t stopped them before.

“Wahhhh! This way!” Yelled the Cat, “Hey I wonder whether there’s any more things to make mine now?” Then he heard a voice. It was his conscience speaking to him, it said “Cat you were going to see Kryten to help you with the shelf, do not go claiming more stuff instead of doing the “W” word buddy!” The Cat paid no attention what so ever to this voice in his head and went on with his claiming. “That’s mine, this is mine, all of this is mine!”

In the Hologram Projection Suit, Rimmer was busy picking a new uniform. “ Now then the one with the big “H” on the front isn’t my first choice, and neither is the white admirals uniform.” Rimmer told his personal Skutter, “STOP!! That one looks good”, he yelled. The uniform was gold and had godly inscriptions on it. “I think I’ll take it, Holly load graphic file 591” said the hologram. “Sorry Arnold, that file is no longer available.” said Holly from the monitor. “And why may I ask?” queried Rimmer.

“Because its main graphical files have been deleted” said Holly calmly. “And which Smeg brained moron did that? I bet it was Lister, the Gerbil faced Pygmy. I bet he did it just so I couldn’t have it” suggested Rimmer angrily. “It was you Arnold” replied Holly.

“When” said Rimmer, obviously annoyed now. “You did it when George McIntyre was ships hologram, for exactly the same reasons” said Holly enjoying the conversation. “Oh then!, any way never mind I’ll have the green uniform next to it. Holly loads 592” asked Rimmer. Rimmer’s original uniform was replaced with a new all green one.

Holly was worried. He was worried that he, a 10th generation A1 Holographic computer with a reputed I.Q Of 6,000 should be thinking of questions such as. “Who thinks up all the different ways of winning in an instant win promotion on packets of crisps?” And “What would an amoeba look like after a head swap operation?” Wait a min, thought Hol, an amoeba doesn’t have a head so how could it have a head swap…..His thoughts trailed off. That’s it, he thought, a head swap operation that’ll prove that my I.Q isn’t totally lost. Now whom should I base it on? Someone completely opposite to me to make it a hard job. Of course, Hilly the female version of me. That’s it, Now then down to work.

Meanwhile Kryten had been busy transferring the Starbugs into the take off bay. But now he was asking Lister what he wanted for his dinner. “And what is it tonight sir?” asked Kryten.

“Chicken Vindaloo with Sugar puff sandwiches, a jam roll polly, and a beer flavoured milk shake.” said Lister.

“Coming right up sir!” said the mechanoid as he left the room to the food unit on the corridor.

Then the Cat came up to the same unit, “Today I’ve made a lot of things mine!”, said the feline, “Now time for a snack.”.

The Cat met Kryten by the machine, and he listened to what Kryten was ordering from it. “Hey, I heard that he might get weird cravings, but that?!!” said Cat “No sir, this is his normal meal!!” answered the mechanoid. “Urr UGLYYYY!!” growled the Cat.

After dinner the Cat got out his spray cans and went claiming. In the newly decontaminated storage bays, he found reams of new materials and pattern books. “Hey, hey, hey, what a find.” He claimed the lot and started asking some skutters to move the materials to a new location. “Hey, Giraffe look-a-likes!” Come and move this lot for me.” The skutters turned and faced him and reluctantly did as they were asked.

Later on the Cat was busy making more and more new clothes. Now he wasn’t restricted to just plain cotton suites, now he had gold shiny materials, light pink PVC’s and Zebra stripes, as well as many others. HE had a field day making the new clothes, and there was still lots of stuff left to make more out of. “Yeah, this is my best all time lucky find, I ever found in the whole of today!!” said Cat, and went back to his making.

Mean while Lister was having a dress switch around as well. Now that the crew was, all dead and even goal post head had changed from the ships uniform, he felt it was possible to wear what he wanted without getting put on report or a serious ear ache from Rimmer.

Lister dug into the vacuum storage where his stuff was kept when he had been in stasis for the last 3 million years, and found his leathers. “Brutal” said Lister as he went to change.