Written By Paul Alexander
This is a transcript of the Children In Need sketch shown on Friday 20th November 1998 at around 12pm...
1. Model Shot
Shot of Blue Midget flying away from camera.
2. Blue Midget Cockpit
All six crew members present. Cat & Lister at the front; Kryten, Rimmer and Kochanski at the back; and Holly on the monitors. Two Skutters are also present on little 'stands'.
LISTER : Where are we, Hol?
HOLLY : We're in a spacehip, Dave.
LISTER : You've got no idea of our position, have you?
HOLLY : You're hunched up over that console...
RIMMER : Holly, all you've got to do is tell us our position. If you can't do that, perhaps it's time we replaced you with a machine that's a tad more sophisticated.
HOLLY : I was distracted, that's all. I found these 3 million year old broadcasts from Earth.
KOCHANSKI : Put it on the monitor, Hol.
Old Children in Need footage from 1 year ago. Cuts to a picture of Terry Wogan sitting on a sofa, and then an audience clapping.
LISTER : Look at that! A room full of people watching a man on a sofa!
CAT : You think they've come to see a man on a sofa?????
LISTER : I know what this is! It's one of those fundraising programmes where people used to phone in with their credit card numbers.
RIMMER : They gave him their credit card numbers???? I wouldn't trust him with my name, rank and serial number.
LISTER : They were great shows..raising money for good causes. There was a word for them...erm....telethons!!!
KOCHANSKI : So who's that????
LISTER : Well, that's... that's... TEL! He's the one they named the telethons after!
KRYTEN : He was a huge star in the late 20th century.
CAT : (Amazed) HIM?????
KRYTEN : Oh, yes. He straddled the planetary media like a colossus!
RIMMER : What? HIM????
KRYTEN : Yes. Finally winning an Oscar for his moving portrayal of the doomed, penniless, young artist in the film "Titanic".
ALL : WHAT???? HIM?????
KRYTEN : Errrm. My movie database is slightly corrupted. There may be a tiny margin for error on a couple of those details.
Cut to footage of a guy handing a big cheque to Pudsey Bear
LISTER : Look at the size of that cheque! I wonder if they were short sighted in the 20th century.
CAT : How did they raise all this "money-stuff" anyway???
KRYTEN : Frequently by staging wacky, sponsored events, sir. Like sitting in a bath filled with baked beans! (He laaughs)
KOCHANSKI : Errrggghhh!
LISTER : Yeah. A Bath! Errrrgggghhh!
KOCHANSKI : Makes you think, though, doesn't it??? I mean, we don't do enough for charity.
LISTER : Yeah, you know, Kris has got a point. We should do more for society.
RIMMER : A theory that falls down on one tiny detail... We ARE society!!!! Besides, charity begins at home - and we don't have one! Until we do, I recommend we all behave like complete BASTARDS!
KOCHANSKI : No, we've gotta help. A) because it's a good cause and B) becasue I really like that teddy.
LISTER : Mmm. You and a teddy. My idea of heaven!!!
KOCHANSKI : Not that kind of teddy!
KRYTEN : I think we may be able to help, ma'am. Send something back in time and contribute to the appeal.
CAT : You mean - "Give us all your money or your planet gets it?"
KOCHANSKI : No, we won't put it quite like that... Kryten...
KRYTEN : Hooking up our transmitters to the timedrive, now.
RIMMER : Kryten, do you really think people in the 20th century will actually watch a crude UHF signal from a bunch of do-it-yourself broadcasters?
KRYTEN : Yes, sir. It's called Channel 5.
KOCHANSKI : Preparing to transmit....
Screen goes fuzzy for a second and then restores.
RIMMER : Hello, people of the 20th century! This is the crew of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf speaking from 3 million years in your future. Mankind is doomed! Humanity's days are numbered and exctinction looms.....
LISTER : But how are you feeling yourselves???
KOCHANSKI : Look, take no notice of them! Just phone 0345 332233 - donate some money.....and could you send me one of those bears???
Screen goes fuzzy and then restores.
KRYTEN : End transmission.
LISTER : Fantastic! You see, we've made a difference, Rimmer! It's good when you can help people.
RIMMER : You're absolutely right!!! In future I'll do everything I can to reduce suffering and improve the lot of mankind.
Rimmer gets up to exit bridge.
LISTER : Where you going???
RIMMER : To smash your guitar!
Sketch ends with Lister getting up and scrambling over the console to stop Rimmer...