Red Dwarf :
Written By Rob Buckley
1. Model Shot
Large Spacecraft flies across a starfield.
VO : (Woman) Captain, vessel detected within boundary range
. VO : (Captain - Woman) Steer course 30.130.76 at 5.6...
Craft turns into camera and shoots beneath it at speed.
MIX TO :
2. Model shot.
Starbug in space...
3. Int. Dimly lit galley area.
Lister is sitting throwing a chocolate eclair down his throat in a disgusting Lister type way. Behind him a vidscreen crackles and comes to life. A vision of a woman in some sort of other craft appears.
CAPTAIN : Hello Friends. I am the Captain of the HS Greer, and you have wandered into purely Female territory. Normally we'd lay you off, but since it's my time of the month I'll probably have you violently and maliciously murdered. (smiles)
Screen crackles out, and we pan back to Lister eating. He hears a noise and looks up with cream all round his chops. Kryten, Cat and Kochanski enter.
KRYTEN : Oh, Mr Lister, sir. You knew very well that the last chocolate eclair belonged to the Cat.
LISTER : What eclair? I haven't seen any eclair.
KOCHANSKI : Come off it Dave, you've got more chocolatey cream on your face than Al Jolson.
CAT : Stick your hands in the air cos' you're as guilty as Nelson Mandela man.
KRYTEN : (conspiratorial) Actually sir even though he was locked up for over twenty years he was completely innocent.
CAT : Yeah. Well sorry Lister, but it turns out despite your obvious guilt that you are innocent. Do we get to lock him up now?
LISTER : It wasn't me okay. Why do you always blame me for everything. Something gets broken. It's me. Something goes missing. It's me. Something gets sucked out of the airlock into a wormhole, and alters timelines in another dimension. It's me again. Did you ever think that just once that it could of been someone else.
KOCHANSKI : (Delicately) Dave that's because your a scruffy, violent, clumsy and pathological lying smeghead.
LISTER : (Placatingly) No I'm not! Scruffy! Me? I'm definitely not violent. I didn't even now what a Machete was until I was twenty-two.
CAT : Why what did you think it was.
LISTER : I thought it was some sort of mythical snowman made out of potato.
Holly blips onto the vidiscreen.
HOLLY : Awooga, Awooga.
KOCHANSKI : What is it Holly.
HOLLY : Aliens.
CAT : What sort of Aliens.
HOLLY : The worst sort. They're the type that shoot at you.
LISTER : (While in action) Quick everyone too your emergency stations.
CAT : Emergency Station? Where's mine bud.
Kryten and Kochanski have already disappeared into the cockpit area.
LISTER : You've taken over Rimmerís duties in emergency situations.
CAT : Why what was his duty?
LISTER : Normally hiding under the scanner table. Go and get the Bazookoids from the munitions area. We might need them.
4 Int. Cockpit.
Lister climbs into his seat....
LISTER : Kryten, what's the status?
KRYTEN : Well it appears to be some sort of missile, something of insignificant scale heading towards us at an incredibly high speed.
Cut to Kochanski looking across at Lister.
KOCHANSKI : I know the feeling well!
LISTER : Quick, evasive action.
KOCHANSKI : Can't we're frozen out. Starbugs about as responsive as a deaf telephone operator. Quick look there's a blip on the scanner-scope that's glowing brighter than a teenagers acne..
KRYTEN : It's another ship.
LISTER : That not just another ship. Look at the size of it. It's got bigger weapons than the cast of "Swedish Erotica 7". Let's face it chaps. If they're not friendly our outlooks about as bleak as a Welsh holiday.
KRYTEN : It's about to hit.
Something screams through the Starbugís cockpit. And hangs there, a pale glowing globe.
KOCHANSKI : What the smeg is that?
KRYTEN : It looks like some Tachyon device. A container for holding something. The globe explodes, and the cockpit fills with a red gas.
LISTER : (coughing) Quick Kryten it's burning my throat. See if you can get some samples of it. I want to put in next weeks vindaloo. This will make a meal so hot you'll need sun-block to eat it.
KRYTEN : Analysing..... It's a mind gas sir. Its probably being used to segment your mind, so it can then be easily read. They're checking up on who we are.
KOCHANSKI : (also coughing) Does it have any side effects Krytie....
KRYTEN : Just Checking.... Well it depends on your neurosis's. In some humans in can simulate bouts of paranoia. In others hallucinations. In extreme cases even severe vomiting.
LISTER : (pointing) Look at those penguins.
KOCHANSKI : Where? What Penguins! Oh yes those penguins. They're out to get us.
LISTER : They're all out to get us. Helllpppp...
LISTER & KOCHANSKI : Ahhhhhhhhh...... (Which turns into ) Urgehgghrhthgk (Severe vomit)
KRYTEN : Then of course in some cases it's a mixture of all three.
5. Model shot.
Starbug in space
5 Int. Cockpit area
There is no smoke but a thin layer of red powder lays all over the controls. The Cat enters with Bazookoids under an arm.
CAT : Sorry I took so long guy, but I was wearing blue. And I can't wear blue on Tuesdays. (looks around) Hey man. What's this. (Puts his finger in dust and licks it.) Dust if I'm not very much mistaken. Kryten, just cos there's a life and death situation, that's no reason to let the cleaning go.
KRYTEN : It's more than dust sir. Its a Monosodium Caesium mixture. A mind altering gas agent, that has effected Miss Christine & Mister Lister.
CAT : (looking down at them) Hey what's up with you two monkeys.
The Cat gets clucking as a reply...
CAT : (Now to Kryten) What's up with those two?
KRYTEN : They are currently under the delusion that they are two chickens called Derek and Trevor. CAT : If they're Chickens I'm sticking to fish from now on!
KRYTEN : If they really were chickens sir, Colonel Sanders would have been poorer than a Eurovision Song Contest Entry.
CAT : Right Bud. Kentucky Fried Lister in a basket! It don't bare thinking about. But are you saying that there acting like this because of this red gas stuff.
KRYTEN : Exactly sir.
CAT : Thank god I'm so smart that I never tasted any. (Smiles & Falls backwards)
KRYTEN : Oh, of course, another symptom. I forgot stupidity.
6. Model Shot.
Starbug under the control of another vast craft.
8. Int. Galley area.
Light are flashing everywhere. Kryten is injecting something into Lister arm. Lister slowly recovers and shakes his head.
KRYTEN : How are you feeling, Mr Lister?
LISTER : I haven't felt this bad since I borrowed a pair of Rimmer's ship issue underpants, and got starch poisoning.
KOCHANSKI : We'll you haven't seen your trousers yet Davey. It looks like an explosion in a Turkish butchers. It's quite an improvement on normal.
CAT : Hey that was one scary trip! I imagined I was wearing a double-breasted jacket made out of Flock wallpaper. I haven't had a fashion crisis like that since I saw that re-run of "Starsky and Hutch" last month. KRYTEN : Excuse me but could I suggest we stop worrying about the past. And spend sometime worrying about the future. Were caught in a tractor beam, and about to docked with a craft that's got weapons that could cook us more times than a piece of chip shop cod.
LISTER : Okay. Cat grab a Bazookoid. (Grabs one himself) Better not jump to any conclusions just because they tried to gas us. We'll wait until they open the airlock, and if they try anything funny we'll slice them up like a loaf of bread.
Both of them stand guns pointed at the airlock. It opens and behind it are more guns than in Texas.
LISTER : Did I say slice. I think I mean surrender!
9. Int. Corridor.
The crew are being marched down a corridor.
KRYTEN : Where are we being taken.
GUARD : To see the captain. She will debrief you.
CAT : Only if you debrief first.
10. Int. Startrek-like bridge.
CAPTAIN : Welcome to the HS Greer. I'm Captain Stolman. I hope you find your stay pleasant.
KRYTEN : HS Greer, surely not the ship stolen by Feminist activists. That story dates back to the twenty-second century, over three million years ago.
CAPTAIN : Congratulations on your History chip Mechanoid. And yes we are the same, although we are only ancestors of the original crew. All those years ago they fought for womens rights, but never succeeded. In the end decided to steal the fastest ship mankind had ever invented and made a new home in space away from the male species. They stole, and crewed it with women like us. That ship was then and is now the HS Greer, even though our vast female intellect has totally upgraded the ship since then. No men have ever been allowed upon this ship.
LISTER : Hang on a minute. Your saying this whole ships full of Feminists. But if you're only women, how do you continue to survive without anyone any men to reproduce with.
CAPTAIN : Back when the Greer was stolen, the mothers of our race also broke into the worlds largest sperm banks. We took enough seed to last us Millions of years.
LISTER : Hang on another minute. You also said that no men were allowed on this ship. I'm a man, well I was the last time I looked.
SECOND-OFFICER : You are now, but you won't be for long. We have surgery that will make you as woman-like as us all.
CAPTAIN : You should now be given new proper feminine names. You (Points at Lister) will be Lorraine. And You (Points at the Cat) will be Pauline.
CAT : I'm no man. I'm a cat.
CAPTAIN : And what is the difference pray tell?
CAT : About that much honey. (Holds fingers about six inches apart)
SECOND-OFFICER : Oh that sounds like an excellent addition to our museum.
CAPTAIN : Yes it will be. But first before you have you manhood removed, you will also have all the seed sucked from your body. We are running dangerously low. We've even had to use the sperm donated by Little Jimmy Osmond.
CAT : Sometimes I wish I just kept my mouth shut.
LISTER : When you say the seed will be sucked from us. How exactly.
CAT : (grinning)Yeah. We don't want to be too greedy. (points) I'll choose her, her, her, her, her & her. SECOND-OFFICER : The seed will be extracted with this.
She holds up the most lethal looking pointy thing...
KOCHANSKI : (Smiling) And I thought I'd be bored today. Looks like its you two lasses that will be bored instead.
CAPTAIN : Take them away for preparation.
They are starting to be led out.
CAT : (To a woman in dungarees) Hey lady, when they said burn your bra's, you should of got a sick-note.
11. Model shot.
12. Int. Sleeping quarters.
A bright room with all sort of drapes, frills - doilies. The four are thrown into the room.
GUARD : You two! (points at Lister & Cat). Eat this.
She passes over a tray to Lister on which is two bowls of something green with lumps in it. The guard Leaves.
LISTER : What the hell is this. It looks like sheep-slop.
KRYTEN : On first examination it appears to be some sort of HRT treatment. Quick scan indicates that this liquid contains more female hormones than a Danish brothel.
CAT : If I eat that I'll be sicker Harold Pinter play.
LISTER : Me too. I can only eat stuff that looks this disgusting if I have absolutely no idea what's in it. Kryten any ideas about how to get us out of this hole before I become an honorary member of the ships choir. (drops tray in a bin)
KRYTEN : Nothing obvious sirs, but one thing does spring to mind. They may have technology far in advance of our own, but it appears that they still can't manage to wire a plug properly (holds up badly wired plug)
LISTER : Great. But that only helps if they plan to electrocute us. We've got to get out of here somehow. CAT : I agree with you man. Have you seen these women. I don't think they've got one decent hairstyle between them.
KOCHANSKI : Lets face facts here, girls. There's four of us, and only several thousand brutal, armed to the teeth feminists. That's those that have got teeth. The best weapon we've got Daveís personal hygiene problem.
KRYTEN : She's right sirs, we have less chance of winning than the Lada formula one racing team.
LISTER : If there's one thing I've learnt in my life, it that you make your own luck. I've put my balls on the line before, if never quite so literally, and its never failed me yet.
CAT : Oh my god. It's got to the point where the survival of my suit depends on luck. Bye fake leopard skin. Bye yellow piping.
LISTER : Look I've got a great plan.
13. Int. Sleeping quarters, but darker.
We see a close-up of Lister.
LISTER : Okay, I'll admit, it didn't go exactly as I had anticipated. We pan out to see the cat.
CAT : Not what you anticipated. Buddy that plan had more flaws than the Empire State Building.
Pan out more. we become aware that the crew are chained by the legs. The camera spins 180 degrees to show them hanging upside down along a wall.
KOCHANSKI : Any more great ideas Einstein. I'm sure they could find a way to make us more uncomfortable.
KRYTEN : Any more ideas like that one, and I'll have to change my hoover bag.
LISTER : There you go again blaming me.
KOCHANSKI : Lister it was your stupid plan. Youíre about as much use as a string colostomy bag.
LISTER : Well why don't you come up with a way of getting out of this. Surely someone with all your Space corps training knows how to get out of this one.
KOCHANSKI : Unfortunately Lister the course on escaping from hundreds of dungaree wearing, gun wielding feminists, while hanging upside down and weaponless was cancelled. Something about the Lecturer not being unavailable because his anatomy had been rearranged with a mincing machine.
A door opens, and more light streams in.
CAPTAIN : Ladies your time of waiting is over.
CAT : Hey is this how you treat all your prisoners. Don't you know that silk crushes. The least you could do is supply an iron.
CAPTAIN : No the least we can do is nothing. Anyway don't worry your days of being well hung, are soon to be at an end. Guards cut them down.
We see guards marching into the room.
14. Int. Surgical Area.
Two Hi-tech dentist like tables into which both the cat and Lister are strapped. Over there groinal area is some sort boxy-tube contraption. A free standing machine with the spiked seed removal device stands between the two tables. An empty clear plastic (like a blood container) bag. Kryten & Kochanski are up against a wall. While two armed guards stand by the surgical tables.
FIRST-OFFICER : Now first we collect all your seed so we can continue for the next millennia, and then proceed onto the corrective surgery to make you exactly like us.
CAT : No way will I become like you honey. You obviously haven't had a pedicure in weeks. And quite honestly your cuticles are a disgrace.
LISTER : You're not serious.
FIRST-OFFICER : We totally serious. Doctor. Begin with the extraction. (points at Lister) This one first I think.
We see the pointy thing begin twirling, and lowering down into the groinal box attachment. We see and hear Lister thrashing and going through something rather worse than a tooth extraction. CUT TO : We see the clear plastic bag filling up with a creamy substance. CUT BACK : We see Lister in a "What has just happened look" as the machine is removed.
CAT : Not bad buddy. You filled one whole bag.
FIRST-OFFICER : Doctor remove that bag, and fix a replacement.
We see the doctor take the full bag from the machine.
FIRST-OFFICER : Now this one (points at the cat)
CAT: No way are you doing me you sucker.
Cat struggles and knocks the doctor on her way past with the full bag. CUT TO : Close-up of a pair of hands squeezing on the bag. CUT TO : Shot of both guards being covered with the contents of the bag.
LISTER : Kryten quick. Get the guns.
We see a scuffle take place.
15. Model Shot.
Starbug being held by the HS Greer
16. Int. Surgical area.
We see the four feminists sitting on chairs in the middle of the operating theatre. They are wearing white overalls and are tied up. Across the mouth of each is a piece of tape.
KOCHANSKI : Okay are you lot ready yet.
KRYTEN OOV : Coming Miss Kristine, ma'am.
Kryten appears wearing a cropped ginger wig, and a long floral dress.
KRYTEN : How do I look. (spins round)
KOCHANSKI : Lovely. Now where are the others?
Lister appears as what can only be described as the drag queen from hell. He's wearing a long blond wig, and thick red lipstick.
LISTER : I can't walk properly. It's these high-heels.
KOCHANSKI : Everyone thinks you've just under gone corrective surgery. Nobody's going to be surprised you can't walk normally.
Cat appears in an outfit which makes him look quite fanciable.
CAT : Wow! (spins on the spot) Hey have you looked up Sex Appeal in the thesaurus. It says "Cat, Cat & Cat!". I'm so dishy you could serve me up in a gourmet restaurant.
Cat walks over to the first-officer.
CAT : I'll give you a tip girl. If you rip the tape off real quick, you might get rid of your facial hair problem. KOCHANSKI : Okay chapesses, lets go.
17. Int. Corridor.
The door slides open. Lister, Kryten and Cat come through it, and make a pose with their newly acquired guns like "Charlies Angels". Kochanski bundles passed them.
KOCHANSKI : We're trying con our way out, not start a sex war. As far as the rest of the crew are involved we've had our surgery and are fully integrated members of the crew. So hide those lasers and stop trying to be macho.
She continues up the corridor, and the other three fall in behind her, Lister walking stupidly like a Tottenham striker.
18. Int. Corridor.
We see two guards. One is very attractive. First Kochanski walks past and salutes. The guards salute back. The same happens with Kryten. The cat walks up and stops when he see's the attractive one.
CAT : (High-pitched voice) Hi, babe. You know It's taken all these years, but I think I'm beginning to see the attractive qualities of a lesbian relationship. What ya say.
LISTER : Ignore her! (Manoeuvres his fake breasts) She's had a difficult day.
Lister pushes the Cat out of view.
19. Int. Corridor Intersection.
KRYTEN : Starbug should be just down here, sirs.
LISTER : Hold it a mo Krytie. I've just got something to do before we go.
KRYTEN : What sir.
LISTER : Tell you later. I'll be back in a tick.
Lister moves in the opposite direction that Kryten indicated.
20. Int. Another corridor.
LISTER : There's got to be a gents round here somewhere. I'm bursting.
Enters another room.
21. Int. Recreation area.
There is a large pot plant.
LISTER : Oh what the hell!
He walks over and starts to relieve himself on the plant. CUT TO :
22. Int. Video Security Desk.
We can clearly see Lister on one of the video screens taking a leak into the pot plant.
SECURITY 1 : Sir? Is this normally the day for watering the plants?
SECURITY 2 : Let me see. No it isn't. Quick Guards. Sound the Alarm.
CUT BACK TO :
23. Int. Recreation area.
Lister is continuing to pee, when a siren starts going off, and the lights begin flashing red & blue.
LISTER : Why does this always happen when I'm midstream.
24. Int. Corridor Intersection.
Lister is trying to run. Lights & sirens are still going.
KRYTEN : Come on sir we must hurry.
LISTER : That's fine for you to say Kryten. You're wearing flats.
KOCHANSKI : Hurry! Kryten - get him to the airlock. Me and the cat will keep you covered.
They start firing the lasers down the corridor. A number are fired back. One appears to hit the cat.
KOCHANSKI : Cat are you okay.
CAT : I'm not sure, I've been hit. (looks closer) I think I'll be fine if I get into soak quick. These dresses stain so easily.
KOCHANSKI : Come on lets fall back.
25. Int. Starbug Cockpit.
Cat & Kochanski run into there positions in the cockpit. Behind them Kryten is helping a now hobbling Lister. Lister collapses into his seat.
KOCHANSKI : Fire the engines. Full power.
CAT : You got it, buddy.
KOCHANSKI : Kryten, jam all frequencies 'cos if the lock us out of the controls this time we'll be as lifeless as a nuns birthday party. (pause) Cat hit the retro.
Cat leans across the controls, presses a button and music blasts out...
KOCHANSKI : I meant the retro boosters you rabid feline.
CAT : Sorry. I thought that was a strange request.
26. Model shot.
Starbug making it's get away. (Music echoes on)
27. Int. Starbug Cockpit.
KRYTEN : Two more clicks and they'll be out of scanner range.
KOCHANSKI : That was a close one.
CAT : I'll say. Hey (to Lister) whatís up with you. Where's all your spunk gone, buddy? Oh, I forgot, you left it behind.
LISTER : Kryten quick make a vindaloo it's an emergency man. I've got sperm to replenish.
Cyber batís message =
totally smegtastic !!