- OR –
- "RIMMER GETS A SEX LIFE"
A _RED DWARF_ PASTICHE
BY DAVE HARDENBROOK
(BASED ON THE CHARACTERS CREATED AND COPYWRITED BY ROB GRANT AND DOUG NAYLOR)
(SCENE: Ext. of starship _Enlightenment. Dissolve to living quarters of Nirvanah Crane. A caption says: "269 years ago..." as we see Nirvanah unfolding a letter and reading it...It is the letter that Rimmer addressed to her at the end of _Holoship_. She appears to read the letter over and over. She seems very moved... And then she does something unprecedented for a Holoship crew member -- She starts to cry.)
(SCENE: Bridge of the _Enlightenment. CAPTAIN PLATINI is seated at his desk. BINKS enters.)
BINKS: Captain Platini. Commander Binks reporting.
PLATINI: Yes, Binks, what it is it?
BINKS: (Standing rigidly at respectful attention) I wish to lodge a complaint against Commander Nirvanah Crane, sir. For the past six weeks she has repeatedly, in gross violation of holoship etiquette, refused all of my requests for sex.
PLATINI: She's been refusing *everyone's* requests for sex, Binks. She has been withdrawing into herself and is increasingly not participating in any of the ship's activities, sex in particular. I have summoned her to discuss the matter.
NIRVANAH: (Stands at attention) Captain. Commander Nirvanah Crane reporting, sir.
PLATINI: Crane, we have been receiving numerous complaints about you!
NIRVANAH: With respect Captain, I have attended to my duties with the utmost—
PLATINI: I am not referring to your duties, Crane; I am referring to recreation.
NIRVANAH: You mean sex.
PLATINI: I mean your increased withdrawal from sporting and relaxation, from botanical walks, music appreciation--"
BINKS: He means sex!
PLATINI: Yes, *especially* the sex! The last time you had sex was six weeks ago, with that interloper from that miserable stone-age derelict spaceship!
BINKS: (Contemptuously) The one with the fat, curry consuming semi-human, and the archaic computer with the hopelessly meager I.Q. of 6000?
PLATINI: Yes, that silly Rimmer person from _Red Dwarf_! Since then you have refused sex unilaterally! Take Commander Derwell for instance -- You used to have sex with him regularly. But you've turned down his last eight requests."
NIRVANAH: Derwell is pompous, bigoted, and smarmy!
PLATINI: That is irrelevant! He asked you for sex and you were obligated to accept! Or Gunders? -- Why did you refuse sex to him?
NIRVANAH: Gunders is bad-tempered, mean-spirited, and insists on sex that involves whips, chains and wires from disused AR game terminals!
PLATINI: Or Torson? Why wouldn't you have sex with Torson?
NIRVANAH: Torson is a woman sir.
PLATINI: (Impatiently) So?
NIRVANAH: Well sir--I'm not--um--er—
PLATINI: (Malevolently) I am I to understand that you have grown so petty that you presume to insist on carnal intercourse from exclusively the *opposite* sex?? Have you lost *all* grasp of common courtesy and social grace??!!"
NIRVANAH: Sir, I am deeply, hopelessly, tenderly in love with Arnold Rimmer, and I just can no longer conceive of sex -- or anything else -- without him! Without Arnie, my life is meaningless! That is why I'm asking you -- *imploring* you, Captain -- to let me take one of the holoshuttles and go out and find him! Then we can be together forever! We'll love each other, help each other, and take care of each other...And the two of us together will be more full, more complete, more human than we were apart!
PLATINI: (Like the Inquisition giving Galileo one last chance to recant his blasphemous heresy). Commander Crane, You are suffering from hormonal imbalance that is making you lower yourself to the level of slimy mortal organic lifeforms who engage in dirty vices like love, romance, happiness, sorrow, and other things that infect and clog a rational thinking mind! You are succumbing to the very primal instincts and vile arcane drives that pushed the human race to the brink of extinction--On numerous occasions! But we, may I remind you, have risen above all that and have formed a perfect society!
NIRVANAH: *Is* it perfect, Captain? Is it "perfect" when we're each of us looking out for just our selves and not caring what becomes of anyone else? Is it "perfect" when short term pleasure is all that we strive for, and any long-term commitment is abandoned? Is it "perfect" when all concept of community, cooperation, and mutual support is abondoned in favor of self-centered, self-serving egoism?
PLATINI: I don't know what's happened to you -- You used to be rational and level-headed, but now you're *different* aren't you?
NIRVANAH: I've been different for a long time. I think it started when we were on that planet with all the GELFs and I accidentially found myself face-to-face with a polymorph! Like most holo-people, I was *extremely* arrogant, so when the polymorph morphed into a handsome prince who went down on his knee and implored me to marry him, I sneered, "You are a an insignificant, of-no-account, miserable common little organic lifeform!" This remark showed my arrogance with a vengence, and so the polymorph caught me and sucked out all my arrogance...Thing is, I had such an unfathomable amount of arrogance that the polymorph died of indigestion before it could threaten any others of our crew...But it left me permanently modest and compassionate!
PLATINI: Modesty and compassion...*Very* dangerous things!
NIRVANAH: I'm a one-man woman now, and my man is Arnie Rimmer!
PLATINI: Commander, you have clearly suffered a mental malfunction! And for the safety of the other crew members I have no choice but to erase you!
NIRVANAH: Er--Well, as long as you put it that way...I realize now what a fool I've been, and I promise from now on to seek aid from the ship's psychiatrist to break my destructive emotional habits, and get my hormones back in balance.
PLATINI: (Smiling) I knew you'd see reason! You are dismissed.
(SCENE: A small, Blue Midget-like shuttle in the shuttle bay of the Holoship.)
NIRVANAH: For the three hundredth time open the shuttle bay doors, Stocky!
STOCKY: (Dead and emotionless; HOLLY this is not) Insufficient rationale for off-ship excursion has been stated.
NIRVANAH: I don't *need* a reason, you glorified slide-rule! Open the bay doors! That's an order!
STOCKY: Insufficient rationale for off-ship excursion has been stated.
NIRVANAH: I want to find _Red Dwarf_! I want to find Arnie Rimmer so I can love him and look after him and fill his life with joy, love, laughter, and vast sexual ecstacy!
STOCKY: Stated rationale does not compute. Request for off-ship access denied. All unauthorized off-ship ventures must be cleared with the captain.
NIRVANAH: I *can't* clear it with the captain! He wants to erase me! He thinks I'm barmey! My only chance is to leave in secret and find Arnie on my own...I guess this is what in ancient times was called "running away from home". And I'm *not* going to let a worthless computer get in my way!
STOCKY: Insufficient rationale for off-ship excursion has been stated.
(In frustration, NIRVANAH grits her teeth, accelerates the shuttle, and smashes it through the doors.)
NIRVANAH: (Business with cockpit controls) Engaging Tachyonic spaceship track...Initializing track of derilict mining ship _Red Dwarf_... Estimated track time, 100 years...Oh dear, that's a lot of games of solitaire! I'd better go into holo-sleep mode. Poor Arnie! He will have to wait *so* long for me!
(SCENE: Ext. of holo-shuttle plowing through space...Caption reads: "170 years later...")
NIRVANAH: Well, here I am, about to arrive, and only 70 years behind schedule. But where *is* _Red Dwarf_??? (A view out the window reveals no sign of the "Crimson Short One", only a large planetoid shaped like Agnetha Faltskog's bottom.
NIRVANAH picks up a mic and speaks into it.)
NIRVANAH: Hello...Hello...Nirvanah Crane paging Holly of the mining ship _Red Dwarf_. Nirvanah to Holly -- 'Come from the farthest space... Through stellar wind and galactic darkness I summon thee...Let me see thy face!'"
(The computer monitor comes to life. The disembodied head of Norman Lovett appears on the screen, wearing a nightcap and yawning.)
HOLLY: Strike a light! What time *is* it, anyway? It must be half-one A.M...."
NIRVANAH: Holly! This is Nirvanah Crane from the _Enlightenment! Do you read me?
HOLLY: (Yawns widely) No, I read Agatha Christie.
NIRVANAH: Where are you??? I can't find _Red Dwarf_. All I can see is that weird planetoid out there...
HOLLY: It was those whatsises...They stealed _Red Dwarf_ and—
(He is interuppted as the _Enlightenment_ sweeps into view with a melodramatic clap of holo-thunder and a voice booms on Nirvanah's shuttle reciever-speaker.)
PLATINI (VO): Commander Nirvanah Crane, the _Enlightenment_ Holoship Tribunal has drawn up a formal courtmarshall against you for the crimes of desertion, high treason, gross insubordination, and nearly leading a derelict computer to divulge major Season VII spoilers without the prescribed 47-line Spoiler Space!
(NIRVANAH's image wavers and vanishes.)
HOLLY: What happened??? Where'd she go?
PLATINI (VO): You have been dreaming, computer! Go back to sleep!
HOLLY: (Drowsily.) I will. (He goes off-line again and vanishes. The holo-shuttle auto-pilots itself back into the _Enlightenment_, and the holoship arrogantly glides off into the endless dark.)
[SCENE: The Court Room of the Holoship. NIRVANAH is in the defendent's chair in holo-chains. PLATINI is in the judge's bench, and so is wearing a silly wig. Many holo-crewmembers are in the audience, but so far the jury box is empty.]
PLATINI: Hear ye! Hear ye! Court is now in session! The trial of The Holo-people vs. Commander Nirvanah Crane will now proceed! The people shall be represented by Commander Binks, and the defendant shall be represented by the Holoship's sole enlisted man, Private Tititi Hoochoo, Holoship Justice Expert. We will now call in the jury, all carefully chosen from the Artificial Reality machine's History & Literature database!
(As they emerge one-by-one from a doorway in the AR machine, NIRVANAH whispers the name of each juror, with increasing apprehension.)
NIRVANAH: Romeo!...Juliet!...Othello!...Cathrine of Aragon!...King Arthur!... Eleanor Roosevelt!...Juno!...Agamemnon!...Ivana Trump!...Miss Havisham!... The Tin Woodman!...Lady Nelson!
PLATINI: Yes, Crane! All the greatest names of history and literature who were wronged by love! They all made the fatal mistake of falling in love, and so were victimized by their own irrational hormonal imbalances! All these people had lovers who cheated on them, deserted them, killed them, were killed *by* them, or in their foolish despair committed suicide! Only such an unbiased and impartial jury as this could pass verdict on this case of your illegal love impulses!
(NIRVANAH looks into twelve pairs of eyes that are glowering coldly and disdainfully back at her. She doesn't feel too good.)
PLANTINI: Mr. Prosecutor, call your first witness!
BINKS: Prosecution calls Amy March Laurence!
(AMY, the very, very Victorian sister of Jo, Beth and Meg, emerges from the AR machine. Like the jurors and all others who are temporarily imported from the Artificial Reality software into what we haphazardly dignify with the term "Real World", she has a "V" on her forehead for "Virtual [Reality]"; as opposed to holograms who of course have an "H". AMY is sworn in and takes a seat in the witness box.)
PLATINI: Proceed, Mr. Prosecutor.
BINKS: Thank you, M'lud. (To AMY) Please state your name and residence for the record. AMY: Amy March Laurence. Concord, Massachusettes, in the AR game, Louisa May Alcott World.
BINKS: And you have a sister named Jo who runs a school with her husband?
BINKS: And one of her students was named Dan Kean, correct?
AMY: (Cringes) Yes.
BINKS: And he was in love with your daughter, Bess?
AMY: (Snarling) Yes!
BINKS: Did you approve of this?
AMY: Dan was a slimeball! A beast of the field! The thought of that slob coming near my darling precious "Princess Goldilocks" made me want to vomit in complete loathing!
BINKS: Even though Dan was a hero who saved all those trapped coalminers and was described by 47 local young girls who look like Pete Tranter's sister with these words: "What a guy!"?
AMY: I can't help what 47 brainless schoolgirls who favor all sorts of heretical things like women's sufferage think, but Dan was a homeless orphan with no title or pedigree, and he served a year in prison! True, he was defending a friend of his from a drunk, insane, rampaging maniac burserker, but that's no excuse! Murder is murder! And those who have sinned cannot be redeemed, not even by a subsequent life of acts of heroism!
BINKS: Mrs. Laurence, what do you think of love in general?
AMY: It is an obvious necessity to maintain the human race, but there is no doubt in my mind that love is the "Great Tyrant of the World"!
BINKS: Thank you, Mrs. Laurence. (To HOOCHOO) Your witness.
(HOOCHOO, who appears to be engaged in contemplating a vitally important document, makes no reply.)
PLATINI: Your witness, Mr. Hoochoo!
HOOCHOO: Um, I need a ten-letter word, starts with "F", "B" is fifth letter, "Expenditures for the irascible".
PLANTINI: (Losing his temper) MR. HOOCHOO!!!
HOOCHOO: Ah, that's it -- "FUSSBUDGET"! Thank you so much! (He proceeds to fill in the letters, completing 12-across. NIRVANAH runs a hand through her hair in despair.)
PLANTINI: Cross-examine the witness, Mr. Hoochoo! Or shall I cite you for contempt? HOOCHOO: Um, no questions.
NIRVANAH: What?? But her testimony was—
HOOCHOO: (Firmly) No questions!
PLANTINI: Witness is excused. (AMY exits.)
NIRVANAH: My God!
BINKS: Prosecution calls Queen Zurline of Burzee!
(ZURLINE, a fairy of immense beauty with long golden hair and dressed in a long gown adorned with images of leaves and flowers, enters, is sworn in, and seats herself in the witness box.)
BINKS: Now, then -- You are Queen Zurline?
BINKS: What exactly are you queen *of*?
ZURLINE: I am Queen of all the Wood Nymphs in the Forest of Burzee in the AR game, Wizard of Oz World.
BINKS: Are you married?
ZURLINE: (Indignantly) Certainly not!
BINKS: Are any of your nymphs married?
ZURLINE: Lawyers have very warped senses of humor!
BINKS: You seem to be very much opposed to marriage. Why?
ZURLINE: Don't get me wrong; marriage and love and things are all very well for mortals, but we fairies are of a proud and noble race... Immortal, magical people who rise far above and beyond the frailties and vulgar vices of mortal men! We fairies are chaste and pure!
BINKS: If, for the sake of argument, one of your fairies *did* marry, what would you do?"
ZURLINE: I would immediately blow the little traitor away like so!
(To demonstrate, she points a magic finger at a nearby potted plant and the burst of a laser-like beam from her finger reduces the plant to charred dust!)
BINKS: That is a very extreme sentence for marrying! ZURLINE: It's the only way to deal with fairies that break the law!
BINKS: Now what if a nymph, say, just *kisses* a man?
ZURLINE: If a nymph kissed a man, or even if the guy forcibly kissed *her*, I would immediately renounce her immortality and banish her from the forest forever! And I think that's pretty lenient! Some fairy queens have a death sentence even for kissing!
BINKS: I see. Now, there are some rumors circulating around our universe that Glinda, the supreme sorceress of Oz, loves a good sorcerer named Zim; and that Ozma, the fairy queen of Oz, has fallen in love with a kind-hearted young man—
ZURLINE: If they have, Ozma and Glinda are both breaking the Law of the Fairies by dirtying themselves with the filth of mortal emotions, and I shall deal with *them*, believe you me!
BINKS: And would you say that the hologrammatic crew of this ship are of similar nature and status as the fairies of your world?
ZURLINE: Of course they are! They are beings of rationalism who are likewise far above primeval hormonal imbalances!
BINKS: So you would recommend a similar disciplining of Nirvanah Crane that you would to one of your fairies?
ZURLINE: (Regarding NIRVANAH with contempt) I would treat her *no* differently! She is an immortal hologram, very nearly like a fairy, and she has abused and degraded her race by succumbing to the vulgar emotion of vulgar mortals known as vulgar love! She has pledged love to another being, forsaken her sense of duty, and this court must convict her and sentence her to death!
BINKS: Thank you, Queen Zurline. (To HOOCHOO) Your witness.
HOOCHOO: No questions.
NIRVANAH: What do you mean "No questions"?! You've *got* to cross-examine her! If nothing else she said, "This Fairy Court must convict" me! A witness isn't allowed to advise the jury how to rule!
HOOCHOO: *No questions*!
PLATINI: Witness is excused. (ZURLINE vanishes in an arrogant puff of smoke.)
BINKS: Prosecution rests, M'lud.
PLATINI: Defense may call its first witness.
HOOCHOO: (Playing with one of those hand-held toys where you have to get the metal balls into the little holes) Defense has no witnesses.
PLATINI: Prosecution may make its closing statement.
BINKS: Your honor, we all serve on a ship that prides itself with high achievement and cold, unfettered rationalism. And now Commander Crane has undermined all order and discipline on our vessel by loving a man and by embracing the very primitive urges we have denounced and discarded! And in violating all protocols aboard our ship, Crane is guilty as charged of High Treason, and I ask this court to pass the correct verdict, in the name of the Holoship _Enlightenment_ and all it stands for! Thank you.
PLATINI: Defense may make its closing statement.
HOOCHOO: (Stands) Members of the jury, my client has been accused of High Treason for falling in love. And having listened to the testimony of the witnesses and the remarks by my learned colleague, I must concede that there is something in what they say!
HOOCHOO: --and throw ourselves upon the mercy of the court and beg for leniency...Perhaps 900 years in the stockade would suffice...
NIRVANAH: (Standing) Now wait just a minute! Your honor, I request a new councillor!
PLATINI: Request denied. Hoochoo is an expert on justice. If he says you're guilty then you almost certainly are! He never says anything unjust! We long ago gave him a mind patch of the greatest historical names in justice from Plato to Clarence Darrow to ensure he would always speak justly!
NIRVANAH: A mind patch! But that's against the law!
BINKS: She's regrettably correct, M'lud. If you *did* bestow a mind patch, that could be grounds of *your* court-marshall!
NIRVANAH: (Ominously) Shall I request that the appropriate papers be drawn up?
PLATINI: (Aside) Me and my big mouth! (Aloud, nervously) Is there anything I can do to sway you to not pursue this course?
NIRVANAH: Would you allow me speak to the jury in my own behalf?
PLATINI: Very well.
NIRVANAH: (Stands) Members of the jury, you were chosen to serve in this court-Marshall because you were all "Wronged by love". The idea is apparently that you all knew from experience how "evil and vile" love is. Yet on the contrary the loves you all had were innocent, good and pure! It was only misfortune that soured what should have been everlasting happiness for you all! Romeo and Juliet, your love was always good and true, and it was only through the same kind of narrow-mindedness from those around you at I am now fighting that you met your tragic end! Othello, Desdemona always loved you as you did her and *never* wronged you; if only you could have followed your common sense and not blindly believed the word of a smeghead like Iago! Eleanor Roosevelt, perhaps your husband would not have strayed if you had offered him a little comfort and support instead of leaving him alone for weeks on end! And Tin Woodman, your Munchkin sweetheart was unworthy of your heart which was bigger than this whole holoship, even before the Wizard of Oz presented you with a "testimonial" of your loving-kindness! I could go down the line and address all your sad stories! All of your loves ended tragically, but it was not the love itself that was wrong or evil! Love is a good and wonderful thing, and can lead to such great happiness and fulfilment! I am only asking you to grant me the chance to find that happiness that tragically eluded you! Don't turn your own disappointment and bitterness into a vindictive vendetta against me and others who still seek love! I ask you for a vote of "Not guilty"! Please use what little power you still have to act with love and compassion and show mercy toward me. Thank you. (She sits.)
PLATINI: The jury will now retire to consider their verdict.
BINKS: If it please the court, M'lud, given the weight of the evidence, (To the jury, threateningly) and given that the jury are all AR entities that could be easily erased by holding their disks over an electromagnet, I don't think deliberation is necessary!
PLATINI: (To jurors) *Is* it necessary?
ROMEO: (Trembling with fear) No, M'lud.
PLATINI: Then how say you; is the defendant guilty or not guilty?
ROMEO: Guilty, M'lud.
NIRVANAH: (Aside, creastfallen) Now I know how Marcia Clark felt.
PLATINI: Nirvanah Crane, you have been found guilty of High Treason! Yet, given all your years of invaluable service to the _Enlightenment, this court hesitates to pass a capital sentence. Instead, it is the sentence of the court that all your memories since meeting Arnold Rimmer shall be expunged, and your holocode will be enhanced with upgraded Sense of Duty algorithms to ensure that you will not deviate again! Activate the holodata uploaders!
(The room darkens and a reddish beam engulfs Nirvanah.)
STOCKY: Nirvanah Crane file system opened...Deleting memory banks 49152 through 53274...Uploading Sense of Duty module...Nirvanah Crane file system closed.
(The lights return and the beam vanishes revealing a changed yet vaguely familiar-looking. NIRVANAH. She is wearing dark glasses, a brown leather jacket with furry lining over a white turtleneck, matching leather pants, and big boots. The expression on her face suggests "Captain Smug Git", and she speaks in a husky voice.)
NIRVANAH: Name's Commander Crane. Nirvanah Crane. Friends call me "Slim." Ah, you must be commander Platini! You look as fine and healthy as a newborn colt winning the Olympic 100-meter dash in springtime! I've just been created by a software patch. Explain later. But first I've got to go save several million beings in distress, liberate a billion planets from bondage, and have my highlights done.
HOOCHOO: What a gal!
NIRVANAH: Chill me a custard; I'll be back for pudding. (She exits.)
BINKS: Captain, you can't let a weirdo like that loose on the ship...She'll undermine all order and discipline by being heroic and saving people and not thinking about only herself!
PLATINI: You're quite right, Binks! I'll switch her off. Shall I make the announcement first, though?
BINKS: You'd better.
(PLATINI leans over a nearby console and flips a switch. He speaks into a PA system.)
PLATINI: Attention all holocrew members! This is a special announcement -- Want some sex from Nirvanah Crane? Positively last chance!
[SCENE: _Red Dwarf_ ext. Caption reads: "This morning (Sometime after Season VIII)..." Switch to Dwarf's interior, the bridge. RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN and KRIS KOCHANSKI are present and HOLLY is onscreen.]
HOLLY: Arn, we have been over this three thousand times!
RIMMER: I don't care! I want another vote on who is C.O. on this vessel!
KRIS: *I* am! I'm the senior officer! I'm Chief Navigation officer, and you're Commander-In-Chief of Chicken Soup Repair!
RIMMER: But *I* was made a *First* Officer!
KRYTEN: *Posthumously*. And posthumous awards can hardly be considered valid if the recipient proves to be alive.
RIMMER: Ah, but I'm *not* alive, am I? I'm a dead hologram!
CAT: Oh, didn't you know? You're our Token Woman.
RIMMER: No, she's right -- I'm sorry Kris...
LISTER: Rimmer, what's wrong with ya'? You've been like a crocodile with acid stomach lately...It's *her* isn't it?
(RIMMER looks away.)
LISTER: His dreamgirl, his goddess, his "femme fatale" (He deliberately gives "fatale" a "fatal" pronounciation).
LISTER: Nirvanah Crane, the girl he met on the holoship...That's it isn't it?
RIMMER: I can't get her out of my mind, Listy. She's the only person that ever loved me for myself and not to use me.
KRIS: (To herself) That's what you think!
CAT: But you're Ace now, bud! It is your duty to be brave, heroic, and promiscuous!
KRYTEN: Well, do you suggest we do?
RIMMER: I want to find her!
KRYTEN: But she's onboard the holoship, sir, and finding it would be next to next to impossible, because the ship is massless.
HOLLY: It can't be *totally* massless though -- *Something* must me projecting it.
RIMMER: A light bee?
HOLLY: Yes, but no ordinary light bee. Holoships are generated by a tachyonic computer capable of transmitting data at faster-than- lightspeed velocities. The light bee is therefore made of tachyons and has an imaginary rest mass...A rest mass that is a multiple of the square root of minus one.
KRIS: Well, how does one go about homing in on a tachyonic light bee?
HOLLY: Tachyons travel so fast that they are esentially everywhere in the universe at once. So I will scan the sky for abnormal concentrations of imaginary mass, and I will file the coordinates of those potential holoship locations under 'BB'.
KRIS: I beg your pardon?
HOLLY: BB -- for "Best Bets". I'll let you know when I pick up something.
KRIS: Fine. Well, in the meantime I'm off to the Artificial Reality suite to test-drive the copy of Louisa May Alcott World we found last week.
RIMMER: May I come to? I need something to occupy my mind...
KRIS: Of course, Arnie! It'll be fun!
LISTER: (To RIMMER) You're gonna go into the AR universe of a *chick's* author??
RIMMER: Not a "chick's" author, Listy! I've always liked Alcott's writing! Unlike *certain people* who prefer _Nymphomaniac Vampires From Venus_ and _Attack of the Rampaging Killer Lap Dogs_!
LISTER: Well, what 'ya gonna do in there?
KRIS: Well, I thought we'd either go into Little Women World and bring Beth back to life as a hologram; or go to Eight Cousins World and talk astronavigation with Mac and sing opera arias with Phebe...
(SCENE: Recreation Deck Three days later -- KRIS is at a chess board, apparently playing a teenage female AR Virtual character with long brown hair. CAT is watching the game, KRYTEN is dusting the AR Machine, and RIMMER is sulking on a couch in the corner. LISTER enters.)
LISTER: 'Morning Rimmer.
RIMMER: What the smeg is *that* supposed to mean?
LISTER: Nothing. You discouraged about Nirvanah?
RIMMER: It *has* been three smegging days, hasn't it?! And Holly hasn't found a thing! I guess I'd better forget the whole thing!
CAT: Don't get so upset, goal-post head! There's an old cat saying: "It's better to have loved and lost than to be taken to the vet to get washed, declawed, and nutered all at once!"
KRIS: Do you guys mind? We're trying to play chess here.
LISTER: Who the smeg is *that*?
KRIS: This is Judit Polgar, the greatest chess player of the early 21st Century -- Or at least this is the AR suite chessplayer's simulation of her. (LISTER opens his mouth to say something) And no, she *won't* play strip chess!
CAT: (To LISTER) Nice try, bud!
JUDIT: (Barely audible under her breath) And I thought Bobby Fischer was a smeghead!
LISTER: Yea, cheer up, Rimmer! How was the trip to Louisa May Alcott World?
RIMMER: Oh, that was great! Jo was *so* happy to see Beth again, it was very moving! And then we went to Eight Cousins World to celebrate Rose and Mac's 3,000,579th wedding anniversary and we talked to the Campbell Cousins extensively about *"relationships"*!
LISTER: Sounds like the kind of smeggy crap Kris' Dave would do!
RIMMER: She says I'm best guy she's known since "her Dave" -- And I think she's something too, frankly...She knows all about telegraph poles and Lawrence Welk music and even the natural history of mammal-like reptiles! I tell you, if it weren't for Nirvanah...
KRYTEN: (Mumbles a prayer) Oh Almighty Silicon Goddess Ada! If you can hear me in Silicon Heaven, *please* let Mr. Rimmer never find Ms. Crane, so that Ms. Kochanski will go with him, and then Mr. Lister and I can be buds like before!
JUDIT: Check. Mate in three!
KRIS: Smeg! Well, I guess that's it...I resign. (To RIMMER) Well, I'm off to the Mall Floor to buy some new shoes...Would you be so kind as accompany me, Arnie?
RIMMER: (Brightening) Sure! I *love* shopping for shoes!
LISTER: You would.
KRIS: Then let's go! AR machine off!
JUDIT: Thank you. It's been a pleasure trouncing you. (The Virtual simulation vanishes. RIMMER and KRIS head off for the Mall Floor)
(SCENE: Mall Floor. It resembles a mall on Earth, but no one is in sight except KRIS and RIMMER.)
RIMMER: Service please! Service! Where the smeg is everyone??
KRIS: (Gently jogging his memory) They're all dead Arnie!
RIMMER: Oh, this is Robinson's May, is it? Thanks for warning me... Well, I guess we can help ourselves, then...
(SCENE: Some time later. KRIS is trying on some new, very sexy dresses and as she looks at how she looks in the mirror she sings to herself. She has a beautiful voice, and RIMMER finds himself hypnotised. KRIS notices the goofy, wide-eyed look on his face.)
KRIS: What's the matter Arnie? Haven't you ever seen someone sing into a mirror before?
RIMMER: Oh, no I have...The Cat sings into his mirror all the time... Usually "And This Is My Beloved"...No, it's just I didn't know you had such a nice voice!
KRIS: (Smiling) I was in the choir in High School...Though I did get a metal from the Headmaster for not writing in my yearbook autobiography that "Choir has changed my life!"...
RIMMER: I remember in our yearbook Dewey Meyerson and Thomas Capella wrote, "Eight years tormenting Arnold 'Femmeballs' Rimmer has changed our lives!"
KRIS: Did they really call you that?!
RIMMER: For eight years...Of course. they called me lots of other things like "Gremlin Face" and "Nixon Nostrils"...Couldn't even have been Lincoln or LBJ -- It had to be *Nixon*!
KRIS: That's terrible! You're *so* good-looking!
RIMMER: I am??
KRIS: Yes you are! And you're a good man too!
RIMMER: You sound like Nirvanah.
KRIS: (More to herself) Maybe I'm trying to *be* her!
KRIS: Listen, Arnie, I-- (The CAT enters.)
CAT: Yaaaaaaaoooooowww! Hey Guys! What you doing here?
KRIS: (Annoyed) Shopping for shoes!
CAT: Really! Yeah, I'm on my way to the fabric department...I sew all my own suits you know. No Cat in his right mind would give the time of day to a "ready-to-wear" outfit!
RIMMER: Excuse me a second...I just saw a necktie I like the looks of... (He crosses to the other side of the room.)
KRIS: (Whispering to the CAT) Look, would you be on your way now? Arnie and I were talking!
CAT: Oh, sorry -- You really like Marabar Cave Nostrils don't you?
KRIS: Well--I know this is probably going to sound selfish—
CAT: Hey, no prob! *I'm* selfish all the time!
KRIS: But I almost wish Arnie wouldn't find Nirvanah...Because I'd like to have him to myself!
KRIS: I can't help it! Arnie's a fathead and doesn't know a comet from a supernova, but he's sweet and tender and I love him!
KRIS: I can see that all the changes that Dave--*my* Dave--went through as a soft-light hologram, Arnie has as well, along with additional kindness and sensitivity garnered from his sojourn as Ace! As improbable as it sounds, Arnie is my dream guy and then some! *I* want him! Now get lost, here he comes! (RIMMER returns and the CAT exits)
RIMMER: How does *this* tie look?
KRIS: Personally, I prefer a tie that doesn't have so many clashing colours that it looks like its moving towards me.
RIMMER: Yeah, you're right...(He tries to remove the tie, but it's gotten all tangled.) Kris can you help me?
(KRIS comes over and slowly and gently removes the tie. Then, in that intimate position, she makes a move to kiss him, but at that moment HOLLY suddenly appears on screen before she can.)
HOLLY: Hey dudes! I've done it! I've located the Holoship and summoned them thither!
RIMMER: Er, I think you mean you summoned them *hither*.
HOLLY: That's what I said. A hologram is projecting itself aboard our ship on the bridge. You'd better get down there.
RIMMER: (Excitedly) Oh Nirvanah!!! (He races off)
KRIS: (Quietly, crestfallen at her lost opportunity) Oh shit!
(Scene: The bridge of Red Dwarf a few minutes later. The crew are all present, including BINKS from the _Enlightenment.)
BINKS: Good evening lady and gentlemen. What is your business?
KRIS: Astronavigation...(Points to KRYTEN) Sanitation...(Points to LISTER) Being a slob...(Points to RIMMER) Being a prat, albeit a loveable one...(Points to CAT) Wearing sequins well.
BINKS: (Will pseudo-patience) I mean, what is your business with *us*?
KRYTEN: We wish to have a word with a member of your crew.
BINKS: Whom did you wish to see?
RIMMER: Nirvanah Crane!
BINKS: Savannah Kane?
RIMMER: (Mouthing the sylables widely and slowly) NIR--VA--NAH--CRANE!
BINKS: (Stiffly) There is no one on our ship with that name.
RIMMER: Of course there is, you silly little man!
BINKS: There is no Nirvanah Crane on our ship at present.
RIMMER: What does *at present* mean?!
KRIS: Did she leave?
BINKS: I can neither confirm nor deny the departure of any individuals who may or may not have occupied our vessel in the past, present, future, or alternate reality.
KRIS: Cut this crap! Is Nirvanah here or isn't she?!
BINKS: No comment.
LISTER: Oh, come on, man! We're the crew of _Red Dwarf_, not the smeggin' _Washington Post_!
BINKS: I think this conversion is best continued with the Captain. I will fetch him. (He vanishes.)
CAT: Why won't they let us see her?!
KRYTEN: I think I know what is happening: The ship's Captain must have branded Miss Crane mentally insane for falling in love with Mr. Rimmer and for the perceived safety of the rest of the crew, *expunged* her.
LISTER: (Grinning) Yea, anyone would have to be mentally insane to fall in love with Rimmer! (KRIS glares at him.)
KRYTEN: It wouldn't have made any difference if she had fallen in love with you or me or Cat or Brad Pitt...Well okay, maybe falling for Pitt *would* have made a difference. Since the three biggest and most persistent mysteries in the known universe are what happened before the Big Bang, the nature of the interior singularity of a black hole, and women's unexplained swooning attraction to Brad Pitt! -- But in any case, falling in love or experiencing *any* human emotion is fatally looked down on by the holoship hologram people, they being a bunch of vain, snobbish, self-serving, callous bastards! So whomever she fell in love with the result would have been the same -- Erasure!"
RIMMER: (Despair) So she's gone! Oh, Nirvanah, Nirvanah!
KRYTEN: Not necessarily, sir. Her life force has been terminated, but the hologrammatic data which generated her must still exist in some form. After all Mr. Rimmer sir, if we were to switch *you* off -- not that we ever *would* mind you, although we have often been sorely tempted -- all the information on your physical and mental make-up would still be preserved on hologrammatic data disk, so that you could at any time be reactivated again and you would then continue on as the exact same insufferable smeghead you were before.
RIMMER: (To LISTER) Removed his guilt chip again, did you?
KRYTEN: I have a twenty-four hour computer virus sir -- The infamous "smeg" virus...It makes one insult one's human masters, sponge-brain!
LISTER: So Nirvanah would have a hologram data disk then?
KRYTEN: Presumably, but not on the ship. It would be wherever they store the computer that generates the holoship.
RIMMER: Well, when the Captain comes, we'll ask him.
KRYTEN: If I may suggest sir—
RIMMER: You may not.
KRYTEN: They would never give out that kind of information to beings that they consider so disgustingly inferior.
RIMMER: We've *got* to try!
KRYTEN: I assure you, we are best advised to abandon this hopeless enterprise. If I may quote a famous a musical, sir: "Why go bananas chasing Nirvanah’s and failing?"
RIMMER: (Glares at him) If *I* may quote a famous musical, Kryten, "You can go to Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire!"
PLATINI: Ah, Mr. Rimmer. How interesting to see you again.
KRIS: Why interesting?
PLATINI: It is always interesting to examine archaic lifeforms.
RIMMER: Deathform, in my case.
PLATINI: Now what may I do for you?
KRYTEN: Won't you sit down?
PLATINI: In a wretched derelict like this? Good God, *no
KRYTEN: Ah. Well, the fact is, we wish to know the whereabouts of Nirvanah Crane.
PLATINI: She was shut off. She was a danger to the safety of this vessel.
KRYTEN: Because she had... *emotions*?
PLATINI: There is no need for profanity! Yes, she had...What you said. Unacceptable aboard a ship such as ours with superlative power and efficiently.
KRIS: Well, we have come to invite her to come with us, since she's obviously no longer welcome *here*.
PLATINI: I'm afraid that's quite impossible -- Everything on this ship is interconnected as one, even the disembodied holo-code of terminated crew members. The only way she could "come with you" is if her holo-code were copied to one of those--those arcane things they used to store software on... KRIS: A computer disk?
PLATINI: Ah, yes; that's it -- A computer disk -- so quaint and inefficient.
KRYTEN: May we have it?
PLATINI: Certainly not! The holo-data is all stored in the central computer that generates the Holoship, on the planet 3F4C in galactic sector GG734247K.
LISTER: I love astronautics -- A poetic name for everything!
KRYTEN: Couldn't you tell us where this planet is? PLATINI: To *you* -- A crew with all the intellectual calibre of the creators of "My Mother the Car"??!! Not on any account!
KRIS: We'd make it worth your while!
PLATINI: We are holograms! There is nothing aboard this wretched solid ship that could be of any use to *us*!
RIMMER: Hell!!! (With a frustrated sweep of his hand, he upsets KRIS' chessboard and the pieces fly across the room like little missiles)
PLATINI: (Astonished) H--H--how did you do that??!!
KRIS: Do *what*? Like the French say, "You can overturn the chessboard, but that doesn't prove that you're a strong player."
PLATINI: But--but--Mr. Rimmer is a hologram...And yet he *touched* something!
RIMMER: I'm a hard-light hologram.
KRYTEN: Yes, it's a sophisticated technology that we got from Leg—
KRIS: (Hastily overriding him) *Leisure* holidays in the 47 Tucanae Star Cluster! Rimmer used to lie out there on the beaches for hours on end, contemplating quantum mechanics, biosimulation, and holotechnology...
RIMMER: (Aside to KRIS) I *did*? KRIS: Shhh!!! (Aloud) And one day -- lo and behold! -- Our brilliant Arnie invented the Hard-Light Hologram!
PLATINI: And this "Hard-light" technology enables holograms to touch solid objects??!! This is wonderful! It's fabulous! This would solve many problems for us! You know we travel the far corners of the universe, boldly going where no hologram has gone before! But one problem that has always plagued us is that while we can *see* all the great new worlds we find, we cannot *touch* them! We can't take soil samples, we can't breed life-forms, we can't do chemical analyses, we can't do *anything* that involves touching! But with this Hard-light technology, we could! A whole new door of exploration would open for us! Mr. Rimmer, you *must* share your Hard-light technology with us! We will give you *anything* you wish for it!
RIMMER: There is only one thing *I* wish for!
PLATINI: Very well! We will download Nirvanah's data to disk...Get a blank holodisk and hold it up to me.
(KRYTEN does so, and PLANTINI points a finger at it and a beam of data sparks from his finger and encodes itself onto the disk.
RIMMER: Thank you so much!
PLATINI: Now may we have your wonderful hard-light technology?
PLATINI: Is something the matter, Mr. Rimmer?
KRIS: Here we are! All the necessary data on hard-light technology!
She holds up a disk, and in a reverse of the download of NIRVANAH's data,
PLATINI extracts the data with one finger.
PLATINI: Thank you. And good luck to you all. (He vanishes.)
RIMMER: Kris, what was that data you gave him?
KRIS: Er, actaully it was the Opening Book game algorithms from my Judit Polgar chess program.
HOLLY: I'll initiate a *rapid* departure at once...
[SCENE: The hologram simulation suite later that day.]
KRIS: (Inserting NIRVANAH's disk into the holodisk drive) Okay, here goes...
CAT: But I thought Baldy-Bytes could sustain only one hologram at a time!
HOLLY: I haven't been the one generating Arnie for a long time...As best as I can tell, hard-light hologram light bees retrieve all their data and draw all their power from Higgs energy fields in 11-dimensional space, as I speculate the holoship does. So I am free to generate Nirvanah's hologram now.
RIMMER: Then go to it!
HOLLY: Here goes... (A pause... Then the holodisk drive starts making horrible grinding noises like a PC drive with a bad disk in it)
CAT: Hey, what's with all that grinding?? It's a disk drive, not a stripper!
HOLLY: (Distressed) Oh gee...
RIMMER: What? What??!!
HOLLY: Nirvanah's holodisk -- It's in Windows 295 format.
RIMMER: So? Windows 295 was released in the year 2195 by Microsoft-Apple-Netscape-Corel-Adobe-Kodak-Fuji-Bell&Howell- Pepsico-Nabisco-Ford-Chysler-Motorola-Canon-Yamaha-Xerox- Panasonic-Hewlett-Packard as the ultimate operating system for driving the home computer user peculiar. What's the problem?
HOLLY: Er--um--I don't know how to break this to you Arnie, but to invoke an old adage: "I don't do Windows."
HOLLY: My holodisk drive only reads AmigaDOS 759.22
KRYTEN: Amiga? But with respect, sir, that old computer went out with Margaret Thatcher and funny American sitcoms!
HOLLY: (Indignantly) Amiga is a good computer! It was multitasking when IBM and Microsoft still thought multitasking meant typing simultaneously on a separate typewriter with each hand.
KRYTEN: But of course Windows emerged as the standard for computer operating systems because they had a big marketing department and advertising machine, whereas all Amiga had was a CEO who never used a computer in his life and TV endorsements by Tip O'Neil.
HOLLY: The point is, I don't have the capacity to read Nirvanah Crane's disk. It's an incompatible format!
RIMMER: And as usual, happiness is denied to Arnold Shmucko Rimmer!
KRIS: Hang on a minute -- What about a disk driver for Windows? Isn't there one that would run on your system and that would allow you to read Nirvanah's disk?
KRYTEN: Yes, but not here! We'd have to get one from the GELFs or Rogue Simulants. And that would mean begging, borrowing, and certainly stealing on a grand scale!
LISTER: Well as far as I'm concerned, striking another deal with the GELFs is out of the question!
CAT: Yeah, we wouldn't want to make you become guilty of bigamy!
KRIS: That leaves Rogue Simulants...Shall we track the nearest Simulant colony?
HOLLY: Right on...
RIMMER: (In "ACE" voice) Okay, but for everyone else's safety I'd better confront them alone.
LISTER: You mean that?
RIMMER: (In "cowardly neurotic pile of smeg" voice) No, no! Don't make me face those monsters by myself!!!
KRIS: Don't worry -- We'll all stick together and face the foe as one!
CAT: We will???
HOLLY: Got 'em. There's a simulant colony on a planet several dozen light years from here...Full steam ahead, dudes!
[SCENE: Space. Rocky, cratered planet. Starbug is seen swooping towards it...]
[SCENE: Surface of planet. The Dwarfers are inching towards a cave. ]
CAT: The simul-dudes are in there?
KRIS: That's what the scanners indicate.
LISTER: Maybe they're not your average simulants...
KRYTEN: Yes, that would certainly make our staying alive much easier, sir.
(They walk into the cave. It is pitch dark.)
KRIS: I can't see a thing! Where's the damn torch!?
RIMMER: We got rid of it...Lister left the last two "C" batteries we had in it and they drained of power. So it was useless.
CAT: No, it's pitch dark!
(Suddenly, the light blazes on and they find themselves in a large cavern, surrounded by various people and animals.)
KRIS: Yikes! No, now it's very bright!
LISTER: (Noticing a giant wasp next to him wearing a yellow wig) Smeg! It's The Thing That Ate The General Neighborhood Of Nova Scotia!
WASP: May I welcome you to our planet. I am your host, the Wasp In A Wig. I am sorry we startled you.
KRIS: Where the smeg is this???
WASP: This is the Planet of Written Out Characters. The final resting-place for those who have been prematurely removed from their universes.
RIMMER: Why would anyone be "prematurely removed"?
WASP: Well, take me...I was erased from the Looking Glass universe because John Tenniel didn't want to draw me.
BILLY MCCAW (A parrot): And *I* was banished from the Cat Ark because I wasn't as good a mascot as they hoped. I was replaced by a Gila Monster that composes opera
. JANE: And me –
RIMMER: (To JANE) You! Why, aren't you that movie actress from the early twentieth century, Scarlet O'Hara?
JANE: Maureen O'Sullivan. She *played* me in the early _Tarzan_ movies -- Until the movie company determined that most Tarzan fans are kids, and that most kids regard romance as disgusting mushy drivel, and so I was erased from Tarzan's universe and Tarzan became a gay divorcee.
WASP: You see, we are all simulants who were part of other universes, until we all got kicked out.
MARVIN: Indeed. We are now all stuck in this pathetic cave of non-being. *I* was erased from the universe of that archaic semi-intellegent lifeform Zaphod Beeblebrox because its god didn't want to sustain a being thirty-seven times as old as the universe itself...And me, with a brain the size of a planet...But what good has it done me? Just made it all the easier for me to contemplate the pain in all the diodes down my left side...Ohhhhhh, I'm *so* depressed!
RHODA: Or take me, Rhoda Morganstern, friend of Mary Richards -- I had a brilliant career ahead of me as a supporting player in Mary's hit sitcom universe -- I had a happy life, good job, wonderful friends... And then it all came crashing down...My life unravelled and I was sunk into the deepest anguish and despair as I was rendered helpless to stop my own fading into oblivion! All because... (Darkly) *they* came! (Melodramtically) *They* came, and made me an offer...(In tears of anguish) An offer I couldn't refuse*!
KRIS: Which was?
RHODA: My *own* sitcom!
RIMMER: Well, I'm very sorry for you all—
WASP: You mean you will help us get back to our rightful universes??
RIMMER: Er--um--well--Not *that* sorry!
MARVIN: (Bitterly) Ha! Is that typical or is that typical? The high and mighty Ace Rimmer gallivants across space and time to liberate every disgustingly idyllic civilization and rescue every nubile maiden with a bust like a pair of Contact Binary stars...But when it comes to saving *us*...Nooooo! He's too far above it!
RIMMER: How do you know I'm the current Ace Rimmer when I'm not in costume?
MARVIN: Simple. I have a brain the size of your ego.
(The disembodied head of a platinum blonde appear on a screen on the wall.)
HILLY: Hang on chaps! I couldn't help overhearing, as I just happened to be evesdropping; and I think I have an idea!
HILLY: I'm not Holly; I'm Hilly.
RIMMER: From the Parallel Universe?
HILLY: No. After _Red Dwarf_ was stolen Holly fixed his core program and executed an algorithmic software personally split on himself, which made the original male Holly and me into two separate computer entities...But Holly's hardware can only hold one software-personality at once, so I got ejected and transmitted thousands of light years to this planet.
WASP: Where she joined us as one of the "Written-Out Characters".
RIMMER: Well, would you be interested in taking over as the computer onboard my Ace-craft? Its native computer committed suicide because I wouldn't have sex with it. HILLY: And they say computers can't die of a broken CPU! Certainly, I'd be glad to...And don't worry, there's no danger of *my* falling tragically for you!
RIMMER: Thank God...
HILLY: I mean it's absurd -- Falling for *you*??
RIMMER: Yes, well –
HILLY: A preposterous smeghead like you? Don't make me laugh!
RIMMER: Yes, I think you've made your point –
HILLY: I mean it's not as if you were a *real* Ace and not a cowardly, snivelling
RIMMER: SHUT UP!!!
LISTER: So what's your idea, Hilly?
HILLY: It so happens that we have a spare light bee that the previous Ace Rimmer asked us to watch over while he went to dimension 33489 to liberate an exotic dancer named Moby S. (famous for her Moby S. strip) from the clutches of Caligula XVII (the Roman Emperor from A.D. 1979 to 1990 in that universe). He also left us the coordinates of our rightful universes and promised to return us to them when he returned, but he never did. Now, if *you* would use those coordinates to give us a lift back to our universes in _Red Dwarf_, we would let you have Ace's unused light bee.
KRIS: That sounds like a good plan, but you must know that we need a player to play Nirvanah's holodisk. It's in Windows 295 format. HILLY: _Pas du problem_! We have a Windows 295-compatible holodrive! WIAW: Yikes! What's that sound?! It sounds like Polynesian drums!
KRYTEN: I think, Sir, it is merely Mr. Rimmer's heart pounding.
[Scene: The hologram simulation suite of _Red Dwarf_. All the Dwarfers are present, including both HOLLY and HILLY on the computer screens.]
HILLY: Well, I think we're ready now, chaps! All the Written-Out Characters are back in their rightful universes, and we've got Nirvanah's holodisk loaded in, ready to download its data to the light bee.
HOLLY: Then here we go...
(The drive starts spinning and the light bee leaps to life. The light bee buries itself in a foggy blob of light which resolves itself into the form of a woman.
RIMMER's eyes light up like the stars of the Orion Nebula!)
RIMMER: (Elated) Nirvanah!!!
NIRVANAH: (In the husky voice) Howdy! Name's Commander Crane. Nirvanah Crane. Friends call me "Slim." And I thank you kindly for rebooting me after I was cruelly shut down by my enemies! And I see that you have rebooted me with a hard-light system!
NIRVANAH: (To RIMMER) Well, what very handsome hologram do I have the the pleasure of addressing?
RIMMER: Don't you remember me???
NIRVANAH: No, can't say that I do -- I would have remembered those blue eyes and chiselled features!
LISTER: (Aside to the others) Can someone tell me? I've always wondered... What *are* "chiselled features"??
KRYTEN: I'm not certain, sir...But I certainly wouldn't call Mr. Rimmer's features "chiselled"...*Pathetic* maybe...
NIRVANAH: How dare you speak that way! Are these people harassing you--er, what's your name, again?
RIMMER: Arnie Rimmer.
NIRVANAH: Well, these devious rogues who are holding you prisoner will not get away with it!
RIMMER: But, Nirvanah--They're not—
(Suddenly NIRVANAH lifts RIMMER up over her head and starts running with him.)
RIMMER: AK! What are you anyway, the Bionic Hologram??
NIRVANAH: Fear not, Prince Arnold! I shall rescue you from these hoods!
RIMMER: You're making a mistake! These people are my fr--fr--*acquaintances*!
(They reach a bend in the corridor. NIRVANAH puts RIMMER down behind a computer memory unit and from that fortress begins shoot her lasers at the others.)
NIRVANAH: Take that, you Nazis!
RIMMER: (Distressed) What's happened to you, Nirvanah?? You've turned into "The Hologram of La Mancha!"
NIRVANAH: I can't see where I'm shooting...I'd better go out there where I'm exposed, Prince Arnie... Chill me a custard; I'll be back for pudding.
RIMMER: No! Stop!!! (Taking no heed of him, she steps out into the open hallway and resumes shooting at the others.)
LISTER: She's shooting at us!!
KRIS: No kidding!
KRYTEN: It's obvious the Ms. Crane's memories of Mr. Rimmer and her true identity have been suppressed, though probably not erased...Holly is currently searching for the suppressed memory file and will restore it...
LISTER: Well, hurry up, Holly!
HOLLY: Okay, keep your mustard stains on, Dave! Nirvanah is shooting blanks, in case you haven't noticed, so there's nothing to worry about there...And I'll find her memory file! KRIS: Where are you looking for it, Holly?
HILLY: He's looking now in the "Trashcan" on Nirvanah's disk.
HOLLY: Hmmm...I can't find any files in the Trashcan...I can't even find the Trashcan!
LISTER: Well, Hol, at least you're in your usual working order.
KRIS: (Punches some keys on holodisk console and looks at the monitor display) No, it's not Holly's fault! This is Windows 295! It doesn't *have* a Trashcan! If you want to delete files, you have to put it in the PC-SORPTIESTKA. And looking in there, I see the file we're looking for...
KRYTEN: Of course! It's a deleted file sitting in the Politically Correct Sorted Object Recycling Pail That Is Environmentally Sound But Totally Kills the Analogy!
HOLLY: Ah...yes! Now if you'll just type the following command on my vintage Commodore 64 console: RESTORE FILE "AJR$$$.DAT"...
(KRYTEN does so. There is a long pause as the lasers continue to fly. KRIS dodges a beam that booms past.)
HOLLY: You have to press "Enter".
KRYTEN: Of course! How silly of me! (He presses it.)
NIRVANAH: (Suddenly dropping the gun in horror) Oh, Arnie! What am I doing to you and your friends!!??
RIMMER: Beats me.
NIRVANAH: (Embraces him) Oh, Arnie, please forgive me! I searched so long for you, and then the _Enlightenment_ caught up with me, court-marshalled me, deleted my memories of you, and added a "Sense of Duty" software patch that when I was rebooted worked too well and made me into a mega-heroine!
RIMMER: And so you jumped dimensions and performed heroic deeds, just as Ace Rimmer does?
NIRVANAH: No, sadly. I was still a soft-light hologram and so couldn't touch anything! And it was very soon that Platini switched me off! But now you've rebooted me using a hard-light system and I so now I'm independent! I can go anywhere and do anything! I'll be the greatest heroine after Ace himself!
RIMMER: (Despondently) You mean you're leaving??
NIRVANAH: I'm afraid so...I love you Arnie, but I do have an obligation to all those unfortunate people in the universe that need me!
RIMMER: *I* need you!
NIRVANAH: Please try to understand Arnie...I won't be leaving for good! I'll come and visit you whenever I have no other heroic adventure detaining me.
RIMMER: Well, you don't have to leave right away, do you?
NIRVANAH: Of course not Arnie! We can get something to eat and catch a movie, and then you can show me your ship, we'll play an AR game, and then we'll have sex for about twelve hours!
RIMMER: I'm all for that! (To the others) If you'll just excuse us...
[SCENE: RIMMER's bedroom. RIMMER and NIRVANAH are naked and cuddled up in bed, apres-sex. RIMMER has his arms around NIRVANAH and she is gently caressing his bare chest.]
NIRVANAH: Oh, Arnie! That was fantastic!
RIMMER: (Doubtfully) Was it really all right??
NIRVANAH: Oh, yes! The great thing about you is that you always say things like, "Do you like it if I put my hand here?", "Is this all right?", "Are you enjoying this bit?"
RIMMER: I must have sounded like an idiot!
NIRVANAH: No, Arnie! Just the opposite! You’re the only man I ever met who was more concerned with *my* pleasure during sex than his own! As a result, I enjoyed it like never before!
RIMMER: Well, that's good...
NIRVANAH: I don't think you realise what a treasure you are, Arnie!
RIMMER: Who, *me*???
NIRVANAH: I mean it! You may have your faults Arnie, but underneath your coarse exterior you are a good, kind man! And you're always kind and respectful and tender towards women -- Very rare in your sex!
RIMMER: I guess it took an exceptionally good and kind woman like you to see it!
NIRVANAH: You just need to always believe in yourself Arnie, and *never* let anyone put you down unjustly!
RIMMER: That will be hard to do without you here to cheer me on!
NIRVANAH: You can do it, Arnie! And I'll come back very soon -- I promise!
RIMMER: Shall we make love some more? We still have seven hours before morning!
NIRVANAH: Come here, Sexy!
(They embrace and kiss passionately. This being at least a semi-family channel, the camera chooses this moment to fade out.)
(The next morning, RIMMER and NIRVANAH come to the dinning room to find the others at a long table enjoying a wine-and-vindaloo breakfast.)
NIRVANAH: (Feeling a little ill at the sight) You're having vindaloo for *breakfast*??
LISTER: (His mouth full of food) We have to...We're all out of wasabi!
NIRVANAH: Thanks, Lister...You make leaving so much easier! (She turns to
RIMMER and speaks softly) Bye, Arnie! I'll see you soon!
RIMMER: Bye, Nirvanah!
(They kiss, and RIMMER quickly departs to be by himself for a few hours.)
KRIS: (Aside, to NIRVANAH) I just have one slightly personal question to ask you before you go, if you don't mind...
NIRVANAH: What is it, Commander Kochanski?
KRIS: Does Arnie stay awake a few seconds after sex?
NIRVANAH: Oh yes! Much more than "a few seconds"! Last night we stayed up quite a while afterward talking about Life, the Universe and Everything, and other profound things!
KRIS: (Smiling) That's all I wanted to know! Have a good trip, Nirvanah!
NIRVANAH: Thank you...(She moves to exit, and then pauses at the door) Chill me a custard; I'll be back for pudding. (She exits.)
CAT: What a gal!
(Shortly thereafter, RIMMER is sitting despondently in his room. There is a knock at the door. He opens it to KRIS, wearing a bathrobe.)
RIMMER: Hi Kris...
KRIS: How's it going?
KRIS: (Smiling) I may have the cure...
(KRIS removes the robe...Underneath which she is naked!)
RIMMER: (Perplexed) Er--uh—
KRIS: Oh, Arnie! Nirvanah's not the only one who sees the good in you! You may be impossible as a would-be officer of the Space Corps, but you are a kind, gentle and tender man! Being a hologram for so long has made you that way, as it did Dave--*my* Dave. But you are even more generous and sensitive because you were Ace for a while, and still are in my eyes!
RIMMER: You--you're saying that I'm more like "your Dave" than my Dave is like your Dave? Well, not *my* Dave...Dave's Dave...uh... Lister's Dave...er... KRIS: (Laughs) That's one thing that *no* version of Dave does...Stammer in a sweet and endearing way when a woman is standing naked in front of him saying "Make love to me, you horny dude!"
RIMMER: *You* want me??? But--but what about Lister?
KRIS: He's not my Dave...But you are my Arnie! (She comes to him and kisses him...
RIMMER is so overcome by all this female affection he's receiving that he faints away!) Arnie! (NIRVANAH enters, having forgotten her satchel...and is so distressed to see RIMMER collapsed on the floor that she runs to him and doesn't notice that KRIS is naked. Just then LISTER and the CAT appear in the doorway and see KRIS and NIRVANAH both reviving RIMMER with tender caresses.)
CAT: What's going on??!!
LISTER: (Weakly) Smeg! Now he's got *both* of them!!!