Joke Page
125 Questions to Ponder
Would a fly without wings be a "walk"?
If a turtle loses it's shell . . . is it naked or homeless?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
If a tin whistle is made out of tin . . and it is . . then what exactly is a
fog horn made out of?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come out of its nose?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat criminals because they taste bad?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with the lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why don't they make the entire plane out of that indestructible black box?
Why do you turn the radio down when you are looking for a street address?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead ofparachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it , what would
happen? (think about it)
If you're in a car going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on
the headlights?
Most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if it says, "Open
somewhere else"?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
What do yo do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why don't you ever hear about "gruntled" employees?
Shouldn't monosyllabic be a shorter word?
Shouldn't palindrome be spelled the same way backwards?
What do you use when you get dental floss stuck in your teeth?
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
How come comb, bomb, and tomb don't rhyme?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why is an orange an orange, but an apple isn't a red?
Why do we have hot-water heaters when you don't need to heat hot water?
What's that funny beep just before the network news? (Listen for it--I'm not
paranoid)
How was the order of the alphabet determined?
Why don't penguins get frostbite?
How do they get the cream in a twinkie?
Do toilet seats really protect us from anything?
Why do old women dye their hair blue?
Why is yawning contagious?
If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes still happen?
Why do other people hear our voices different than we do?
How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
How can corn flakes and frosted flakes have the same number of calories per
serving?
When an elevator is illegally overloaded, who is criminally responsible?
Why is there a permanent press setting on an iron, when you can't
permanently press anything?
If firefighters fight fire and crimefighters fight crime, what do
freedomfighters fight?
What does Geronimo say before he jumps out of a plane?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the
taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other
trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds
like a near hit to me!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not
adoor?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton
John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry
Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be
Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry
Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so
he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard
Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then
moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck,
divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of
Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she
would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:
You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net".
Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again.
Your phone bill is delivered in a box.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mommy's got work to do"
and you don't have a job
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01".
You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your
computer with a toilet.
You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another
computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first
instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to
tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try
to mimic computer noise in order to connect. You succeed.
