Elise's Kick-butt Jokes!!!
Jokes on this page:
- The Nuts at the Baseball Game
- The Man With No Ears
- The Lords Light
- Honk if you love Jesus
- Laywer Screwups
- Medical Screwups
- Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate
- My Ride
- The Checkup
Hello!! Welcome to my joke-page..or something like that! Anywayz-here are a few jokes that I thought were funny! :oÞ Enjoy! There are some more links to awesome sites at the bottom of this page!! 
~The Nuts at the Baseball Game~
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"
~The Man With No Ears~
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you`re wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That`s quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can`t wear glasses if you don`t have any ears!"
~The Lords Light~
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I`ve seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spritual life."The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn`t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn`t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night. "The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn`t say anything else, but when the old man`s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband`s in fine physical shape but I`m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord
turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he`s the one who`s been going in the refrigerator!"
~Honk if you love Jesus~
The Reverend's wife tells about her day: The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumper sticker. bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled, "JESUS CHRIST" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, "GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled at all those Jesus-loving people. There must have been somebody from Hawaii back there because I could hear a lot of yelling about sunny beaches. I knew he was from Hawaii because he was waving in a funny way with just his middle finger stuck up in the air. You see, I had recently asked my two daughters what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, and giggled and told me that was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave my Hawaiian brother the good luck sign back. couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I knew they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed, so I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did bicuse I was the olny car to get across the intersection. I looked back at those good people standing there back on the other side, and I wanted them to know how much our brief meeting meant to me, so I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, honked the horn, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!
~Laywer Screwups~
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by Attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't u?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
~Medical Screwups~
These bloopers come from actual medical transcriptionists' records:
-Expericnced mood swings because she suffered from PBS.
-Since the patient stopped smoking, his smell is beginning to return.
-The paitient is a 65-year-old women who fell, and this fall was compilicated by a truck rolling over her,
-She is quite hard of hearing. As a matter of fact, she can't hear at all ing the left eye.
-She has no rigors of shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night.
-Sinuses run in the family.
-The paitient was bitten by a bat as he walked down the street on his thumb.
~Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate~
1. Stick yor palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the slicence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shot!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into
the toliet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under
the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet
paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could
you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am
I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down you "Cross-
Dressors Anonymous"newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can
see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
~My Ride~
Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.
~The Checkup~
This old man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
After the doctor is finished examining him he asks the old man to meet him in his office so they can discuss the results of the checkup.The old man goes into the office and the doctor says "I think you ought to sit down. In examining you today, I found two things wrong with you. Do you want to hear the bad news or the really bad news first?"
The old man says."Geez Doc, I think I'd like to get it over with. Give me the really bad news first."
So the Doctor tells him that he has incurable cancer and has about 6months to live.
This really upsets the old man and he cries hysterically for about ten minutes. When he finally calms down he asks the doctor for the second piece of news - the bad news.
So the Doctor tells him, "Mister, you also have Alzheimers disease."
To which the old man replies "Whew! What a relief! At least I don't have cancer!!"
THE END!!!!
Click here to read my Blonde jokes!!
Click here to take my Psychological Tests!!
Click here to go back to my Main Page! :o)
Some more links:
Angelfire...Easiest Free Home Pages
Vistitua's song of the moment...A site to get any kind of sound (wavs, midis, ect.)
Connect Time magazine...lots of cards and stuff!
Mp3 site...A really awesome site to get Mp3s
Blue Mountain Arts' Greeting Cards
Virtual Greeting Cards
Hotmail...where I got my free e-mail!
Juno...another place to get free e-mail
Email: missdata@hotmail.com
