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the city garbage collectors draw straws
to see who has
to walk by the fence to get the garbage
can 
you issue athletic cups at your front
door to all male
visitors 
Dobermans and German Shepherds look
small 
one kiss from your dog can destroy all
your makeup

your "cute little puppy" put on 90 pounds
in 8
months 
your dog backs up out of small rooms

your dog thinks its funny to yawn with
his head just
above the cat, then close his mouth over her
entire
head 
your 110 pound puppy just doesn't
understand it when
other dogs bark at him & run away 
your Christmas tree decorations start 40"
from the
base of the tree

butts on the couch, feet on the floor is
normal, and
your company thinks it is something
remarkable 
you use a snow shovel for a pooper
scooper 
you tell guests to put something on top
of the
refrigerator to keep it safe 
you tell your dog to sit, and he backs up
until he
finds a chair


your dog can hide an entire tennis ball
(among other
things) fully inside his lips and give you
that innocent
look that says, "What? I'm not eating
anything!"

you carry a tape measure with you when
shopping for a
new vehicle

visitors enter the house holding their
privates
protectively

you have to move over when brushing your
teeth because
your dog wants a drink

while stopped at a stop light, everyone
stares as your
car rocks back and forth because the dog is
panting out
the window

the monthly dog budget exceeds your home
mortgage
payment

your dog glares at you because he can't
understand why
you are peeing in his water bowl

the donuts you put on top of the
refrigerator are gone
when you get home and your dog has powdered
sugar on his
nose

you're holding him straddled between your
legs when
the doorbell rings, and you find yourself
quickly
transported straight to the front door

your dog stands in your lap and reaches
over you to
stick his head in the drive-through window at
MacDonald's
and nearly gives the cashier a heart attack
when she turns
around to give you your change

you purchase a large screen TV and you
still
can't see the program when he stands in front
of the
television

 Your birdbath doubles as
a water dish

every knick-knack in the house resides
above the 5
foot mark

someone is following too closely and you
want them to
back off so you have your dog stand up --
they drop back
10 car lengths 
you stay out of the woods during hunting
season, and
you buy your dog an orange vest to wear
whenever he goes
outside 
when other dogs see your dog, they are
confused as to
just what exactly "it" is

your cats prefer to eat their meals on
the top of the
fridge

the neighborhood kids sneak up to the
gate on their
way home from school and say "See? I told you
so!"

when you get out of your car, there's a small
crowd of
people staring at it saying things like,
"OhMyGod it's
HUGE," and "That's the biggest dog I've ever
seen," and
"Son, don't you get too close to that
thing!" 
the UPS man refuses to deliver
packages 
people actually ask before petting your
dog

pouting, grumbling, talking back, and
"copping an
attitude" are normal when your dog doesn't
get his way

YOU TAKE YOUR DOG FOR A WALK,
AND....
a five-year-old
girl approaches
to ask, "Why are you walking that baby
cow?" 
a car drives by, stops, and backs up to
you. The
driver rolls down his window to ask, "Excuse
me, that's a
dog, isn't it?" When you say yes, he
turns to his
wife and says, "See, I told you so, nobody
walks a
deer!" and drives away 
you see a Chihuahua and you mutter under
your breath,
"My dog craps bigger than that!" 
YOU HAVE
A QUICK ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING THEY
ASK...
Q: "How did he
get soooo
big?"
A: "We put Miracle Grow in his water."

Q: "What kind of dog is that?"
A: "It's not really a dog, it's a Holstien.
He's just a
little confused." 
Q: "How much does he eat?"
A: "Two kids a week"

Q: "Why is he so big?"
A: "We live near a nuclear power plant."

Q: "Does he bite?"
A: "Only on Tuesdays. Oops, that's today,
isn't it?"

Q: "How much does your dog eat?"
A: "How much do you weigh?"

Q: "Have you fed that thing today?"
A: "Why? Are are you missing a kid?"

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