Sitting in the dormroom alone. Nothing better or else to do. Why not? I started writing. That's how this started.
I've been thinking of doing this since some time ago. At that time, however, I didn't feel like doing it,
so I didn't start doing it till pretty lately.
Well, finally I started this but I still don't know
why I am doing this.
I mean, I don't know what I want to do by doing this. Self-satisfaction?
Maybe. In fact, it's true because I am not writing anything
for anyone. I don't know if I want someone to know what I write here. I'm just writing this for myself. I don't care if you
read this, and what you think after reading this. Because I'm
not interested in communicating or interacting with someone. I just
wanna write things come out to my mind, and what I thought at the moment.
All in all, I could have done nothing. "Good Job." I had struggled and sought the answer to the questions that even I didn't know. I had believed going there would have been the answer. And I came here, but nothing changed, or I couldn't change anything. So much pressur I'd never expected hit me hard, and I was down like them.
I want to know who and what I am more than anything else.
This was what I once dreamed and believed without any doubt. Something has changed inside of me, and I didn't know that. I just paid too much attention to the outside of myself and didn't know the change. I forgot that it moves and changes every day as long as it exists. And I found myself in the deep. Totally darkness, but something is moving in that. I tried to catch it, but I couldn't. I could hope nothing there. I just could whine how miserable my life is.
I can't find it even if I looked back my whole life if there was a time that I could get along with anyone. Since I was just a little kid, I've always felt like I'm alone. And at those days, I'd never cared about it, even noticed it. I don't know when I started thinking of it. I've never been looking for some one to be a good friend.
I've been fed up with living such a fake life.
But you know, sometimes I wonder if I could share this feeling with someone, how wonderfull it would be. If I could share the feeling I have now with someone. If I could feel it with somebody together.
I'm fed up with thinking like I wish if I could. Wishing something never happens is fooling myself.
Why are you trying to control me, even I can't control myself. You can't have everything you want. You are just being afraid of making up your mind. You could get whatever you wanted, and what else you want more. Knowing there's no limit, what are you still looking for? Why are you still trying to finish reading the book which never ends? The end of a story is just begining of another. It's so wired, it's like living life from reverse. End of one thing is begining of another, and begining is end of the other.
Probably, I had mentioned it since some time ago, I have been thinking that there is something wrong with the world, but I found it out that nothing wrong with the world, but my life. I've thought that I feel something wrong 'cause something wrong with this world. It might be wrong, and all in all, if there's something wrong, it's nothing but my life.
I made a big sacrifice to make this happen. I knew that it probably turns out like this. But I thought it doesn't matter to get this life. But it's even worse now. Perhaps, I was dreaming something too big. I thought I can make it if I tried hard, but these days, I feel like I am making fun of myself. As long as I try hard to make it happen, it goes out of my reach. Self-satisfaction means nothing. Knowing it well and how much I have to make an effort. I left my best friends, my home, my family, and the happiest days I've ever had in my life. What else I have to give up more? I chose hard way rather than easy way people most choose. And I could get excitements they've never had and won't. But is that it? I have given up much more worth, I don't have any mind to wait for it's coming up. What I do is only making it happen.
Our little group has always been and always will until the end.
KC
In short, I am just one of them. That is waht I have kept denying since I was born. I was always playing to win, but I couldn't win even one game. In fact, I'm just a loser, and whine about my miserable life again tonight.
I'm tired.
"All in all is all we all are."
KC
"There's something wrong with the world today,
but I don't know what it is."
Aerosmith
I'm tired, again. I don't know why. Or maybe I know why but just don't want to think about it. Something is wrong with me thesedays. I'm so happy at one time, and I will be unhappy and in bad mood at right after that moment. I am at least trying to be happy and to be in good mood, but almost everytime I fail. I don't know why but everytime when I'm having a good time, something happens, and it puts me in bad mood. It's true that there are too many people around me, and they make me frustlated. Actually, most of time, they do nothing to me, but just their being is too annoying to me. I know I can't be totaly alone, but I just can't handle those people, you know. I'm trying to ignore them, but I can't do it completely as long as I keep living. Should I die? Maybe. Sometimes I wish I would die. I don't know how seriouly I wish it, though. I know if I died, I would lose all of my friends who always make me happy and encourage me. Do I need new friends? I don't know. My brother said I don't have to, but I don't have to refuse to meet some one new. I understand that. Since then, I don't know when, I've been bad at meeting some one new and making friends. But I have some friends, and for me it's just enough. I always try not to betray them, you know. That is the rule I have had since I understood what friendship is. What is friend? People you have met before? People you know their name? Or what?, ya know.
I like her. Very much, maybe. But I don't know why, sometimes I can't be as I am. I would be a worst person she's ever met. I have no idea whether or not we are gonna get along together. It's up to me or my attitude?
Well, this is gonna be a long one. But it's already 12:00AM, so I only have 2 hours. I don't know how much I can write tonight, but let's just get this started. I don't know really. What don't I know? I don't know even that. But I know I wanna know something. Do I worry too much about everything? What is friend, anyway? I know I have some best friends. At this point, I already have a question? Is friend something to "have", rather than... what? I think I have lost almost all friends I wanted to be with, except some I barely have now. In fact, most of people I have are not that important at all. Maybe that's why I can have them. I remembered what she had said to me. She said she could not have me because I was what she wanted best. And I couldn't be with her because we're the best. Well, in a way, she was right, although when she said that I denied it crying. I was listening to her songs in my room alone, and I found out that these might be what she wanted to tell and teach me. I didn't pay much attention to it at that time, but now, it means to me a lot. He said, "If I was standing by you, how would you feel?", but no. "If you were standing by me, and then how would I feel?", this is right to me now. She says there's nothing she regrets in what she has done in her whole life. Really? 'Coz I don't even know if what I'm doing right now is really right thing to do. Well, of course, I don't have to regret having done something wrong. I have learned a lot of things from having done wrong things, but not always, ya know. Well, I'm lost. I have no idea what I'm talking about. So I'm goona write whatever I have in my mind now. It's all right, 'coz nobody is gonna see this except me. "Distance." This is what I need in a relationship usually besides those with my best friends. I'm not comfortable at all to be been with some one. So I usually try to put some distance between me and the person. And when I faild to do it, it's gonna be a problem always without exceptions. This time, well, maybe I faild. That's why I'm confused and am worried now, I think. So what am I gonna do? I don't know. This is my typical answer. "I don't know." Maybe just because I don't wanna to, or I am afraid of making a decision. Just a chicken shit? I know. Well, I'm sleepy. I'm gonna do this again later.
Well, finally, everybody left but me.
Now, I feel a little better. I know why.
I found out what the problem is. Actually, I think I had noticed it since around I graduated from high scool. It does not mean losing what I have or I am doing right now to start doing something new. For example, to start hanging out with friends does not mean to stop playing soccer. To see some one new or to hang out with some one else does not mean that I lose friends I have now. Well, it's just a simple thing. I have known it for long time but it's tough to do. I'll try, I guess.
There is nothing never disappears, and I don't know when it will be gone. So I live my life with having 100%fun till I die.
Why I have to make myself worse off? That's what I found out recently. Untile then, I was struggling very bad. I know I'm very bad at blaming people, especially persons I like, so there have been always only one person I could blame. Myself. Even I don't know how much it have given a pain to me. I got hurt everytime I have a problem in personal relationship. So stop blaming myself. But now, I'm totally free. I stopped struggling, thinking, and seeking the answer I can never find, or otherwise there is no answer. Neither I nor they are wrong. It's just a diffrence between me and them. Be myself. That's what she said. Year, she was right. I love myself smiling. Not only just smiling. I love myself making a joke and making people laugh. That's me. Of course, I have another side. So what? Every body has more than one aspect, right? I like talking quietly. I like listening to music alone in my room. But I also like hanging out with my friends and having a good time with them. And I like laughing more than anything else. I couldn't laugh naturally at those days. I couldn't even talk and act naturally. I found out I was doing something wrong. What I was doing was totally wrong, you know. And now, I'm free, and I feel good!
If I couldn't have 100% fun with her and had to act like I was having fun, why don't I stop seeing and thinking of her? So I stopped, and it made myself free. Year, I'm alone. So what? Remember, it's better not to see the persons you can't have 100% fun with. Being alone is better than seeing someone who makes you worse off just not to be alone. 'Coz I know a lot of people who are always with many people but none of them are their friends. Those people are hanging out together just not to be alone. I don't say it's meaningless, but at least that is not what I want to do. Remember, how much time have I spent alone in my whole life? I spent a huge amount of time by myself, and? Of course, sometimes I's lonely and wanted to see some one, just to talk. But since I didn't have a lot of friends I couldn't do it, instead, I had a bad time usually by myself. I dont wanna get used to it, but what I want to say is it's OK to spend time alone if I didn't have people I really wanna see, talk, and have fun with at that time. Don't you think?
Stop Blaming yourself. You are not wrong.
"Knowing your love's decided, and all love is real."
GN'R
What's wrong? We, or you, should I say, chose this way. We chose not see and talk to each other anymore. And why do you still talk to me?
You remind me of a lot of people I met in my life. When we stopped seeing, when we broke our relationships, and when I turned back to alone after that, those people always acted as if they'er winners. Yeah right. You are the winner, so I might be the loser. That's fine. And why they still talk to me, especially in front of many people. Do you really wanna show people that you are the winner and this miserable person is the loser you beat? Looking too cheap, isn't it? I trust my friends. I believe in my friends. And I always respect my friends. Even if the ones whom I can't make any contact with, I still trust, respect, and miss them. When we're friends, I did trust, believe, and respect you. But not now and not any more. It's so sad. I know you and those who act like a winner think something wrong with this guy. But is that really me? But not you? I don't know. If you think you're the winner and then you are the winner. So if you are the winner, why you have to act like a winner showing other people you beat me? Do you want to be praised as winner by other people? Is that what you really want? I don't get it. You won the game, you got what you wanted, right? So what else do you want besides the title?
Be as you are.
When I am in a trouble, I wish there's someone I can talk to, someone I can talk about anything without any lie. I'm not seeking any advice. I just want to talk everything I feel and think. If I could have one, she or he will be my lifetime tresure. I will never want to lose it. I have some friends, but everytime when in toruble, I start thinking who I can actually tell everything honestly. And then I find out there's no one who allows me to do so. I don't have one. Why don't I make it? How can I make it? Should I look for it? To me it sounds strange. I don't think it's something try to look for, but happen to meet. And so far, I haven't yet happened to meet any. Maybe someday I will.
Not always, but ususally, there's been something that makes me happy around me. But this time, I can't find anything makes me happy, or even feel good. I lost my passion. I don't feel what I felt at 16. I could think of nothing but it at that time, and I was so happy. It's kind of mad love. Now it's killing me. I don't know how to deal with this. Actually, this is not the first time that it happened. A similar thing happened in last year, too. But at that time I could some how get over it and come back here. I don't feel like I can make it this time. Sometimes, I should go ahead with no worry. But I don't want to make this decision easily this time. It's gonna be a big decision to me, so I just want to take sometime to relax and reflesh myself to make the decision I really like. If I chose that one, and then everythingwill be over. I don't want to quit, but now I don't have any possitive feeling to keep doing it more, you know. I know as long as I keep doing this, I have to deal with this. And I'm not the only one who is dealing with. It's tough to bring something possitive out from inside on my mind, or maybe it's gone already. There's nothing possitive inside of my mind. It hurts me a lot, and I don't know if I can deal with it this time. I don't know.
Another new year began, and I'm still living. Why?
I saw a bunch of talented people who could make nothing in their life, and wondered if I might end up the same.
I wish I was an ignorant.
What is this all about? What is this all for?
I think I've been doing better thses dayz, well, compared to dayz in last fall, ya know.
But I know that something has started moving inside of me.
What is this?
I'm not saying that there've never been such "happy all the time" days in my life, ya know. When I look back in the past, I think there have bee some points that I was happy about everything. But what I'm saying is that it's gone since long time ago, and it doesn't seem to come back to me.
Where the hell am I going?
What the hell am I trying to do?
It used to make some sence to live my life, but these days, it started making no sence to keep it going. So many contradiction in my mind and my life.
I'm so anxious about nothing.
Maybe, at some point in my life I have to admit that I'm not talented as I think I am.
It's time to go back there again. It's been 2 years since last time. Like last time I started looking back what I have done in last 2 years. I don't think there's much progress in my life. Obviously things have changed. I'm no longer a college student. I'm not in small city in Oklahoma but in Houston, TX. Regardless of those changes I don't feel something has changed in my life in last 2 years. I feel as if I have been at the same place for a while. Going neithere forward nor backward. Just at the same spot. Yet I don't think I'm struggling to get out of this place. Strange it is but I feel kinda settled here. In last couple of years I have been telling myself that I'm looking for what I wanna do. But I think it's about time to find something and make it happen. It's time for an action. Let's move. By the way, where am I going?
My best friend just got married.
so?
The year turned to 2003. Hope we all have a better year. But what do make us all feel better?
I feel so anxious. I don't know what makes me feel so.
I surf on the Internet seeking an answer for my anxiety but never find it.
Lately, I came to notice that I like to spend time with those who are leaving. The fact that both we know we won't stay close gives me some kind of secure feeling. Strange?
Another war started, as those probably did in the past. Nothing has changed, and seems no better than before the WW II.
Feel a calm before a storm.
Rainy and cold. My favorite weather.
Saw something different. It's been a long time since last time. It was nice and fresh. Felt good and refreshed.
What have I done this year?
But the thing is I didn't choose to be that. I didn't deny what I was there, but it's something made by the people around me and I didn't choose to fight.
To me, it's more important that now I can do what I wanted to do back then and I am where I wanted to be. I chose these. I chose what to do and where to be, and I made it happen.
That means to me far more than something given and forced to me back then.
A life is full of opportunity and possibility. And it can only be limited by yourself.
A positive view and a negative thoughts.
Think ideally and live realistically.
I didn't realize that it's been 10 yrs since then and 8yrs since that 'couse it feels just like yesterday and it's very hard to belive such a long time has passed. What would happen in the next 10yrs? Where would I be and what would I be doing there? I don't know.
Hi, it's me, Jon. I'm so sorry for behaving like that last night. Despite the fact you trusted and relied on me, I acted so selfishly. I was so confused and started wondering what I was doing. I lost my mind. I aplogize for doing something like that, when you asked for help. I've been thinking too much and I was exausted. I didn't know what to do when we got your apt. Maybe, I should have smiled and said goodnight to you. Your call for help doesn't bother me at all. I am sorry for not being able to find you sooner. I just wanted to apologize for what I did last night.
What does make you think you've met enough people and you're done with meeting someone new and ready to spend your life with only one person? The exciting feeling of when meeting and starting a relationship with a new person is hard to explain. It's different every time, yet very familiar feeling, you know. I don't know when I feel I've had enough and I don't want any more meeting, because, right now, I don't think I would ever do. It's not like I'm always looking for an opportunity to meet someone regardless of whether I have a girl friend or not. I've met all people unexpectedly and there's no one I met after I had planed to, like I wanted to have a girl friend and wanted to meet someone specific who was also looking for someone to date. To me, it's kinda abnormal thing. Planning to meet someone you like hoping she would like me too. Wired, isn't it?
I was asked if my life s getting close to what I wished it would be. Well, ...... I don't know.....
First, I thought it would be great if we could remain friends who can talk frankly about anything to each other, but then I figured out that that would be more painful for both because regardless of that close relationship we are still not together.
Can't find a reason to go bed. Can't find a reason to wake up.
I wonder what this emptiness I feel inside of me. I feel empty but don't know then what would fill my heart.
This year is almost over. The same question, "What have I done this year?" Wonder what the best word to describe all the stuff happened to me since the beginning of the year.
I was writing tonight. Again.
I wondered a little bit if I should make it to a blog, instead of just writing on a notepad without any time and date of writing.
Then, I thought I shouldn't. Why? Because if I made it to a blog, all thoughts and comments I write would be stamped with time and date. I don't wanna know the exact date and/or time a specific thought comes to my mind. I wanna make it more like writing a story. One story. Some time later I wanna combine all what I wrote and want it to be one story. Moreover, I don't write about each event in order it took place. So, the time and date of my writing is irrelevant and meaningless.
I thought blog is more fit for writing jokes because most of the jokes are about current events so the date a specific joke was written may help understand what it's about.
I feel I'm being tested how much I can swallow. But are there all things are here for me to swallow?
I feel so sorry. So sorry to myself for letting that happen to me. I can't believe. I just can't. I hurt myself and it's all me to blame.
I have never felt my life so empty like this before.
It's 1:50AM and the date has changed almost 2hrs ago. It's over now. It wasn't as bad as I had expected it would be.
I was busy protecting others and forgot protecting myself. I never thought I'd be harmed by one who I had protected from many harms.
It's irony that who I had protected from a harm became harm to me.
A clear blue sky. Such a beatiful sky it was today.
Wonder how soon my heart would clear up and I would feel like today's sky.
Of course, I could have chosen to go on my life pretending nothing ever happend. But sometihng did happen.
A sudden change in life. Wasn't really expecting this kinda thing. Life is more important than just where I am. Money can't buy me a happy life. That's just not my way.
This is it, for now.
Later,
020811
wa98102@hotmail.com
