ANNUAL KLUNKERVILLE SNORING CONTEST
Hi and welcome to the annual yearly event
that is well anticipated each year in our little community. This year we had 10
contestants all signed up for the event. These are people who snore the loudest
in our town. For them it is something to be proud of for in Klunkerville we
have the saying, the louder a person snores the more content and prosperous in
life he is. The night before the contest everyone did his or her best to
prepare for it. No sleep for 2 days. Just who would be the winner this year?
Well at the beginning of the contest we had to wait for our contestants to go
off to sleep. This was hard to do because just as one would fall asleep he
would get snoring so loud that it would disturb the other contestants.
Eventually though this was overcome and everyone fell asleep. The sound was measured
for volume and effects. For the ones who would snort once and then do a whistle
this was considered an average snore and got an 8+ rating. One man came very
close to winning. He would Snort extra loud, than wheeze, then click with his
front teeth and grunt very loud. This is called a dexterous melodious snore and
not as common as the others and very interesting. He didn’t quite make it. We
watched and listened for a good hour until we finally decided the winner. It
was last year’s champion Mildred higlemyer. She had won for her very graceful
whish after each snort that she created. The prize? She went home with a year’s
supply of earplugs for her husband and family. What a very nice and enjoyable
event.
WIERDMANS AUCTION
Hi. This is me. I just have to tell you that I am not responsible for this auction. The Wierdman that lives in our town pestered me until I decided to let him post his item he has for sale. I will probably regret it and for those who are weak at heart will probably not want to read this.
Hi. This is the wierdman here with an offer you probably will not want to refuse. One day I was walking in my house and noticed some cute little critters running around. I thought boy what could I do with these. They sure are swell company. I would like to share them with others. So here I am.
Buy a Cockroach. The Pet That
Takes Care Of Itself.
Have you ever been lonely and
would like to have company? Maybe you don’t have time to feed pets or can’t
afford that expensive food. If that is the case than this is the pet for you.
They practically feed themselves and why you cant even kill them even if you
wanted to. Here are some more special features:
Order now and you will get a discount on our accessories. Accessories are:
Cockroach Walkers: A handy little carrying case to walk your cockroach with.
Cockroach Treats: A nice
little package of ground up raisins and sugar to give to your roach for a
snack.
Roach tricks booklet: Teach
your roach tricks, How to play dead, How to sit, speak, beg, bark.
Roach paint: Paint your roach
different colors. Very neat.
Please order your pet today.
Supplies will last. Besides I have to do something my landlord is going to kick
me out soon if I don’t.
Coming soon……… Rent a Rat
KLUNKERVILLE HONEYMOON PACKAGE
FRONT PAGE FROM MY BROCHURE
Come to Klunkerville for your
honeymoon and make it a remembrance for the rest of your life. They say that
your honeymoon is an experience you will never forget. In Klunkerville we
guarantee it.
What do we provide?
Our package includes a nice
spacious 8-foot by 8 foot motel with a very nice comfy wooden cot with a 1 inch
chicken feathered stuffed mattress with only 2 stains. There are nice cumphy
warm burlap blankets to keep you warm at night. Each room comes with its own
bucket for those rainy nights, this handy little tool also doubles for when the
backhouse is overflowing which happens quite frequently lately.
Modern luxuries will not get
in your way for there is none. We provide a very nice breakfast. Just pick up
your handy little bucket, Take it to the grit bin, load it up with grits and
bring it back to your place, chop some wood, get a fire going, boil some water,
boil the grits and if you don’t burn them eat till your hearts content. Please
keep in mind though that these grits also are used to feed our chickens so
please leave enough for them.
When the outhouse is working
there are plenty of supplies there that you will need. It comes completely
stacked with fresh catalogues and junk mail.
After breakfast I will take
you out to Farmer Harold’s where you and your mate can experience first hand as
a couple of how to take care of children which will be handy for when that time
comes. They have 5 young ones form the ages 9 months to 6 years and another on
the way. While their Farmer Harold will show you how to milk cows, Gather eggs
and plow. Farmer Harold and his wife are so nice to us, They agreed they would
let us do this for as long as we wanted to. That is so nice.
We also provide a candle light
dinner. We provide the candles. What you cook is your business.
We are ready and waiting. No
reservations necessary. When you get here and if there is no more places for
you no problem. We will hand you some wood and nails and within 5 hours time
you will have your place.
Price
1 person $2.99 per night
2 people which is most common:
$4.99
Skunks: Free
Grits: Extra
Catalogues and junk mail: Free
