I'd Rather Eat Glass [Part I]
CHARACTERS:
BILLINGS, an accountant
MADRIGAL, a British movie starlet
PAUL, a lumberjack
LAUREN, a waitress
WOMAN, a housewife
TEDDY, an electrical technician
ALICIA, a businesswoman
SCENE: an elevator in an office building
AT RISE: BILLINGS is pushing the button and waiting impatiently for the elevator.
(BILLINGS looks at his watch.)
BILLINGS. I don’t have time for this...
(The elevator arrives and he steps inside. BILLINGS pushes the button for the floor he is going to. He sighs in frustration when the elevator stops at the next floor. MADRIGAL enters the elevator. She pushes a button also.)
Um, ma’am?
MADRIGAL. Yes?
BILLINGS. Well, you see, I’m sort of in a hurry... would you mind waiting until I get off?
MADRIGAL. I beg your pardon, but I have already pushed the button. I can’t stop it now.
BILLINGS. I suppose.
MADRIGAL. Really!
(They turn away from each other. The elevator stops again.)
BILLINGS. No! Isn’t there anyway to make this thing skip a floor?
(He jabs at the button.)
I’m terribly late for my meeting already. You understand.
MADRIGAL. No, I don’t suppose I do. It is courteous to wait for other passengers. Besides, the elevator has already stopped.
(PAUL enters the elevator.)
PAUL. Why, hello there! How are all you folks today?
MADRIGAL. I’m doing splendidly, thank you.
BILLINGS. I’m in a hurry, sir, so if you don’t mind...
PAUL. Oh, of course. Sorry to have troubled you.
(They ride a few moments in silence.)
So... where are you folks headed? That is, you two are married, ain’t you?
MADRIGAL. We most certainly are not!
BILLINGS. I don’t even know the woman’s name!
PAUL. Well, we’d better be making up for lost time then! I’m Paul, and you are...?
MADRIGAL. Madrigal. Madrigal Benchley. (hopefully) Perhaps you’ve heard of me?
PAUL. Why no, I can’t say as I have... but I might’ve...
BILLINGS. Blast it! Does this elevator have to stop at every floor?
PAUL. And you sir, what’s your name?
BILLINGS. My name is Billings...
PAUL. Right then. Mr. Billings, meet Miss Madrigal. Miss Madrigal, Mr. Billings.
MADRIGAL. Charmed...
(LAUREN enters the elevator.)
PAUL. Hello there, ma’am. I’m Paul, and this is Madrigal and Billings.
LAUREN. Um, hello...
PAUL. They ain’t married, if that’s what you’re thinking.
LAUREN. Well no, actually, I wasn’t--
PAUL. ’s all right, I made the same mistake myself. (Pause.) Are you married?
LAUREN. I don’t see how--
PAUL. Well, how peculiar! All you lovely people, here together in this elevator, and not a one of you attached!
BILLINGS. Hold on a minute now. I only said I wasn’t married to her. How do you know I’m not married to someone else?
PAUL. Well, are you?
BILLINGS. Well... no.
PAUL. Miss Madrigal?
MADRIGAL. No.
PAUL. Well then. It’s all fine, then.
BILLINGS. Why are you so interested in whether we’re married or not?
PAUL. I just wanted to see if these two lovely young ladies had been snatched up yet. You? Just curiosity, I guess.
LAUREN. I hate to interrupt... but why aren’t we moving?
MADRIGAL. Did you push the button, darling?
BILLINGS. Of course she did. So did I.
MADRIGAL. Well, there’s no need to bite my head off!
PAUL. Hold it, now. Why don’t we just try again?
(He pushes the button. Nothing happens.)
BILLINGS. Blast! If this thing doesn’t get moving, I’ll completely miss my meeting!
(He begins pounding on the walls.)
Help! Somebody let us out!
LAUREN. Nobody can hear you.
BILLINGS. And you’ve got a better idea?
PAUL. Goshdarn it, Billings, you’ve plumb forgot about the telephone.
BILLINGS. What?
PAUL. They always have a telephone in case of an emergency. Even a country boy like me knows that.
LAUREN. I’m in no hurry to get anywhere. Is it really an emergency?
BILLINGS. It most certainly is!
MADRIGAL. Well, stop babbling and use the phone!
(BILLINGS picks up the phone.)
BILLINGS. There’s no dial tone.
MADRIGAL. The power must have gone out.
LAUREN. I suppose we’ll just have to wait.
(PAUL and LAUREN sit.)
PAUL. We might as well get to know each other. It looks like we might be here for awhile.
BILLINGS. They’ll get us any minute.
LAUREN. Relax. You’re not going to make your meeting, so why worry about it?
PAUL. Who wants to go first?
BILLINGS. What is this, kindergarten? “Wait for your turn.” “Share the blocks.” “Raise your hand if you need to go to the bathroom.”
LAUREN. Speaking of the bathroom...
BILLINGS. I don’t care if I know anything about you people. In fact, I already know more than I want to about you.
PAUL. Hey now, that isn’t very nice.
MADRIGAL. For goodness’ sakes! I’ll go first, if it will make you all happy.
PAUL. Oh yes, ma’am. We’d be delighted.
(MADRIGAL strikes a pose.)
MADRIGAL. It was early on the morning of May seventeenth, nineteen eighty-three. Dawn was just breaking. All was quiet until...
(She screams.)
A cry shattered the silence. And into the world came Madrigal Eloise Benchley!
(PAUL and LAUREN, awestruck, applaud.)
Wait, wait, I’m not finished. Madrigal, known to her closer friends as Maddy, grew up in an upper class family. When she was seven years old, she went to see a play. Immediately she knew her destiny: to be an actress, a star of stage and screen!
ddy worked feverishly to achieve her dream. At last, one day, she got her big break: a film called The Yellowbird Gang. After that, she was in constant demand. She is currently working in a picture called Freda’s Riddle. Ladies and gentlem
-- well, actually, “ladies” should probably be in the singular, but nevermind that-- may I present to you, Miss Madrigal Benchley!
(MADRIGAL bows. PAUL and LAUREN applaud wildly.)
There. Now you know all about me.
PAUL. Actually, I have a few questions, if you don’t mind.
MADRIGAL. Not at all. Go ahead.
PAUL. Well, where are you from?
MADRIGAL. I lived in Versailles, but I currently reside in Hollywood. After all, the place has made me a star.
LAUREN. Versailles... where is that?
BILLINGS. France! It’s in France!
MADRIGAL. Yes dear, what Billings said.
PAUL. Kinda peculiar you grew up there, what with the accent you got.
MADRIGAL. Accent?
PAUL. I thought you were English or British or whatever the term is they use. But I guess I could be mistaken. I ain’t the most worldly of fellows, if you catch my drift.
LAUREN. No Paul, you’re right. Why is that, Madrigal, that you have a British accent, but you come from France?
MADRIGAL. Well, uh... um... why, it’s because I grew up in London! Yes! I grew up in London and then I moved to France. And then I moved here. And please, call me Maddy.
PAUL. Well, I guess that explains it. Wait, I have one more question.
MADRIGAL. Yes?
PAUL. How old are you?
BILLINGS. If you were a gentleman, you would know that you never ask a woman her age.
PAUL. I am simply being neighborly. After all, we are practically neighbors.
BILLINGS. And just what do you mean by that?
LAUREN. He just meant that since we’re in such close quarters, it is kind of like being neighbors.
PAUL. Right.
MADRIGAL. And besides, Mr. Billings, I don’t mind at all. I’m twenty-five.
PAUL. Why ma’am, if I didn’t know better I would say that you weren’t but seventeen.
MADRIGAL. What? What are you talking about? Why would you say that?
PAUL. I was just trying to pay you a compliment!
MADRIGAL. Oh. Right. Well, how flattering! Thank you very much.
LAUREN. Well, I guess I should go next.
BILLINGS. Why do you think that?
MADRIGAL. I don’t see you jumping at the chance to tell your life story.
BILLINGS. What is there to tell? I’m thirty-eight, divorced, living in a scummy apartment on the Lower West Side... who could ask for more?
PAUL. What’s your job?
BILLINGS. I’m an accountant.
LAUREN. I thought accountants made a lot of money.
BILLINGS. I make enough to live on reasonably.
MADRIGAL. Then why the scummy apartment?
BILLINGS. Let me repeat. I am divorced. My wife lives in Chicago with our two teenage daughters. It’s a little thing called “alimony”.
LAUREN. I don’t see why you have to be so sarcastic all the time. It isn’t our fault the elevator stopped.
PAUL. Lauren, I think you’d better tell us about yourself.
LAUREN. Well, I guess there really isn’t much. I live in Boston. I’m a waitress. I deal with perverted old men trying to look down my blouse and messy three year old children throwing food down it. Not exactly a barrel full of monkeys, if you catch
drift.
PAUL. I catch it.
BILLINGS. As do I.
MADRIGAL. Sorry honey, I guess I can’t really relate on this one.
LAUREN. I don’t expect you to relate. After all, how could someone who grew up in... where did you say you grew up?
MADRIGAL. Austria.
LAUREN. Right... Austria. How could someone who grew up in Austria know what I’m even talking about?
BILLINGS. Listen, kid, if we ever get out of here I’ll take you to my place and show you what real poverty is.
MADRIGAL. Give me a break. You’re an accountant. She’s a waitress.
PAUL. I think waiting tables is just great. Don’t you listen to what they’re saying, sweetheart, there isn’t a more honorable profession in the world.
BILLINGS. Wait a minute, I never said that there was anything wrong with--
LAUREN. (to PAUL) I know, I know. Thanks. You’re a nice guy.
PAUL. Well, I try my darndest.
BILLINGS. Excuse me. I would love for this to all turn into a lovely made-for-TV-movie scene, but I really just want to get out.
MADRIGAL. We all do, Mr. Billings.
BILLINGS. If only the blasted phone was working...
PAUL. It’s too bad my wife isn’t here.
MADRIGAL. Your wife?
LAUREN. You’re married?
PAUL. I sure am!
BILLINGS. Interesting...
LAUREN. You’re married?
PAUL. Why yes, honey, I just said that--
LAUREN. I can’t believe you’re married!
PAUL. My goodness, why not?
LAUREN. Well, you were... um...
PAUL. What is it, sweetheart?
LAUREN. Just that! You’ve been flirting with me the whole time we’ve been in here!
PAUL. Oh, I don’t think so. I’ve just been trying to be friendly.
LAUREN. But.... but...
(She looks to BILLINGS.)
You heard him. He was flirting, wasn’t he?
BILLINGS. I don’t think so.
LAUREN. Maddy?
MADRIGAL. I’m sorry, dear, but I think he was just trying to make you feel welcome.
PAUL. Gosh, ma’am, I certainly didn’t mean to lead you on or anything like that.
LAUREN. Yeah, well...
PAUL. But what I was saying is that if my wife was here, we’d all be fine.
MADRIGAL. How so?
PAUL. Why, she’s got one of those cell-you-lar phones, or whatever you call ’em.
BILLINGS. A cel phone! Blast!
LAUREN. I guess that’s too bad.
BILLINGS. Wait! What’ve you got in your bag there, Miss Benchley?
MADRIGAL. I beg your pardon?
BILLINGS. Give me your bag.
PAUL. Why, Miss Madrigal! You’ve got one too!
LAUREN. Oh.
BILLINGS. Splendid, isn’t it? I’m glad I thought of it. Now, there must be somebody you can call. Who?
MADRIGAL. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never use the phone except in an emergency.
(Pause. BILLINGS, LAUREN, and PAUL stare at her meaningfully.)
Oh. Well, then.
(She takes the phone.)
Who shall I call?
LAUREN. You’ve got an agent, haven’t you?
MADRIGAL. Yes. In fact, I was on my way to see her right now.
BILLINGS. Call her.
MADRIGAL. But... but what if she’s busy?
PAUL. You were on your way to see her?
MADRIGAL. Yes.
PAUL. And you certainly haven’t arrived yet, so what could she be doing?
MADRIGAL. Um...
LAUREN. Call her.
BILLINGS. Go on.
MADRIGAL. But I--
LAUREN. Madrigal. Do you want to get out of here or not?
(She takes the phone.)
What’s the number? I’ll call, if you can’t do it.
MADRIGAL. No!
(She snatches the phone back.)
Er... I mean, no. I’ll do it myself.
(She dials quickly.)
(Lights up on stage R. A table with a telephone on it is next to an easy chair. The phone rings. A WOMAN in a bathrobe with curlers in her hair runs in, and lunges for the phone.)
WOMAN. (out of breath) Grayson residence, Christie speaking.
MADRIGAL. Hello, Rita. This is Madrigal.
WOMAN. Excuse me?
MADRIGAL. Listen, I was on my way to see you... yes, yes, I know I’m terribly late.
WOMAN. Ma’am, I think you have the wrong--
MADRIGAL. But you see, I was on my way up in the elevator, and it got stuck!
WOMAN. That’s terrible, but you see, my name is Christie, not--
MADRIGAL. The power seems to be out, Rita. I had to use my cellular phone. The phone in the elevator isn’t working.
WOMAN. Listen, lady, I don’t have time for games like this.
MADRIGAL. Rita, could you please send somebody down for this?
WOMAN. If you don’t start making sense, I’m going to hang up. I swear.
MADRIGAL. Perhaps you could have them turn the air conditioning on, as well. It’s getting rather warm.
(The WOMAN hangs up the phone and exits. The lights remain on.)
MADRIGAL. What’s that? I got what? Oh!
(She turns to the others.)
I’ve gotten a part in a musical!
(To the phone.)
What is it called again? Grease?
(To others.)
Yes. Grease, it’s called.
(To phone.)
Yes, Rita, dear, that’s just wonderful. Now, remember, send someone from security down to fix this elevator. I can’t wait to see you either, darling. Kiss-kiss!
(She hangs up the phone. Lights on Stage R slowly fade out.)
It’s all set. They’ll be here in a few minutes.
BILLINGS. Wonderful.
PAUL. I guess we did just fine without my wife.
LAUREN. Your wife...
I'd Rather Eat Glass [Part II]
