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you would have been perfect for me
freshman year
before the boys in my creative writing class
embarrassed me
with their poems about sex and their surfboards
and before my best friend was my best friend
before she corrupted me

you're so
I want to dirty you
I want to pull you down in the mud with me
and coat you with sin
I feel guilty if, when you stop to talk to me,
I'm wearing something more revealing than a turtleneck
every time you hold the door for me I think
why do you have to be such a gentleman?

You probably think it's wrong for me to spread my emotions
on this blank page
and let other people see my insides
would make you flinch:
but I love it
I did everything I could to make you notice me
but what I worked so hard for
doesn't matter anymore
If I can have you I don't want you
Heroes always get the girl--
when is it the bad guy's turn?

the golden boy kisses me
the villain begs for me
you sit in the front row clapping for my tears
but they're not for you
they die, just as you always dreamed they would
and I smile but it's not for you
not anymore
you're too late
I've moved on and I'm done waiting
I'm done being good

the sunshine streams through
starry on your eyelashes
I see myself reflected in your eyes
and I hate the girl there
I hate her and I hate you
for leaving me with this bitter guilt
I hate you because you're the only one
who thinks I'm pretty enough to kiss

1 November 2000