So...this is where I will ramble, babble, write, or just generally fill up space.
That's all.
Sometimes you just have to say FUCK IT!
(pardon my language of course)
hmm...wasn't that a line in one of those cheesy 80's movies?
I can't remember...
Anyway...its true...I'm convinced...its like struggling with a piece of
writing or artwork...
every once in a while, you just have to tear up that page, and start
over with a new, clean white sheet of paper...
We spend so much time trying to work things out, trying to figure things
out in our heads, searching for answers, reasons, explanations, solutions,
the right path, the wrong path, that little stony path just left of
center...
What we don't realize, is that while we are doing all of this, life is
still going on, people and places and opportunities are just passing us
by while we are stuck in one spot, looking at everything in that place
with a microscope,
trying to figure out where to go next, if its safe to step a quarter of
an inch to the right, when the whole time, if we had just...walked,
moved, taken a leap...we would have realized that no matter what we do,
whether we step left or right, there are just as many risks, just as many
dangers, and just as many possibilites for an incredibly good outcome!
So, I'm saying it now...no, I'm screaming it now...FUCK IT!!!!
Why the hell shouldn't I trust myself? Why shouldn't I take what I feel as
being worth something, if not to other people, at least to myself! Why
should I give a damn about what anyone else thinks about what I do or say
or think or feel...as long as I am not hurting anyone, I'm allowed to do or
say or think or feel whatever the hell I want, and to feel good about it!
I'm allowed to be who I am, dammit!
*stepping down with a slight bow*
Thank you. *s*
There are millions of souls floating around this world, many of which
never touch each other. But in life, there are a few who meet, whether it
be by chance, fate, purpose, need, desire...whatever the reason, in each
persons life there are souls that touch their own. The affect of that touch
may be good, bad, amazing, terrifying, mundane, exciting, well worth the
time spent, a complete waste of time...it can be anything from a simple
glance while you're walking down the street that you hardly remember two
hours later, to a lifelong friendship and bond. Whatever the situation
behind this meeting of souls, isn't it best to be always grateful that you
had the chance to experience someone else's soul in your life? Isn't it
best to take those experiences, whether good or bad, take them into yourself,
into your experience, and allow them to shape who you are and what your life
means to you? Isn't it these things that make life what it is, that give
your life some sort of meaning, some reason for it all? It's a simple thing
to notice, appreciate, think about two seconds of eye contact between you
and someone else, but to me, its those things that mean so much.
TRUST: (trūst) n. 1. Confidence in the integrity, ability, character, and truth of a person or thing. 2. Custody, care. 3. Reliance on something in the future, hope. -v. 1. To rely, depend. 2. To have confidence in, feel sure of. 3. To believe.
Okay, that being said...what the heck is trust anyway? Its certainly more than a definition, the dictionary can't possibly explain it. Trust is something that is felt, and I've never been able to define a feeling.
I think what's complicated about trust, is that so many things go into it. When you are an infant, you trust unconditionally. There have been no experiences in your life yet to cause you to do anything but trust. And as an infant, you really have no choice, you wouldn't survive if you didn't trust because all your needs are met by someone else.
But then you start to grow up. You gain more and more independance as the months and years go by. The more responsibility you take for yourself, the more suseptible you are to that huge wealth of trust you were born with being chipped away at. Everytime something or someone causes you pain, and little bit of that trust is plucked out. By the time you reach adulthood, depending on the events leading up to that time, you might not have much trust left.
What happens when you don't have any trust left? You rely on yourself. That's lonely. That loneliness can make you start to build some trust back, because, the only way to rid yourself of that loneliness is to trust someone, so you have to build some.
Or the little trust you have left, that should be put in yourself, you put onto someone else in an attempt to cure the loneliness. But then you're left not trusting yourself, probably end up losing yourself in the process.
You might want to trust, might have a great desire to put trust in yourself, in others...but how can you do that, if its just not there? Try as you might, you just can't grab hold of an ounce of trust.
You can't buy trust, you can't get it as a gift. So where do you get it? How do you survive in this world without trusting anyone, not even yourself?
Near as I can tell, you don't. You flounder around, grasping at straws of trust, maybe wrapping your fingers around one once in a while, only to have it slip from your grasp. And you keep on reaching, grabbing, trying to hold on. Over and over. And that's not really life, that's not living.
So what then? What do you do?
I'll admit it. I don't know.
My grandmother passed away about two years ago
(don't worry, this isn't a sad story at all...). She had cancer and had
been pretty sick for a long time, close to a year. She was the first
person in my life to die, and even though I knew, intelligently, that
she was going to die, I didn't know how to deal with it. So, when she
did pass away, I just felt numb. I had no reaction except for a few tears
at first.
That night, our house was full with family amd I, being the
youngest, had to sleep on a cot in our front foyer. I couldn't fall
asleep...wasn't tired in the least. It was summer, a beautiful warm
night, clear skies and a bit breezy...the front door was open, and I
could see out the front porch to the street and across the neighbors
yard and such, so I just sat there looking out the window, listening
to the leaves rustling on the trees and straining to see them move in
the dark. I didn't sleep at all, I don't even think I laid
down...just
sat there listening, watching, smoking cigarette after cigarette.
Well,
it got to be morning and the sun began to rise. As the sky began to get
light, I began to feel again. What I felt was a sense of peace and
warmth. It started out just barely noticable, and as it grew lighter
and lighter, this feeling grew stronger and stronger. Soon the birds
began to sing and chirp, and this feeling enveloped me when I heard
the birds. There was this one bird...I didn't see it and I still don't
know what kind of bird it is...but I know its call...this bird started
first, ended last and was the loudest of all the birds...it seemed to
speak to me...the energy that I heard and felt from that bird sent me
a message and it said that everything was okay, that all was as it should
be...there was no need to be sad, no need to feel any particular way...
I sat there and listened and watched in amazment.
I don't think anything
before or since in my life has kept me in such rapt attention. Finally,
when the sun had risen fully and the cars and people came out and drowned
out the birds' songs, I laid back and went to sleep.
When I awoke later, that sense of peace and warmth was still with
me. I didn't cry for my grandmother again, I didn't feel sad. I do miss
her and that causes some sadness occasionally, but more often I feel that
she is with me, her energy is a part of me.
Until this experience I had never had any real ideas about
spirituality or religion. But now I know that we are all a part of
this mass of energy...it is constantly shifting and changing, but no
part of it ever leaves. That peace and warmth that I felt that night
is still with me...I feel it every day. I know in my heart that the
universe is with me, and can never leave me. I know that all of the
good energy that I put out will come back to me, and as long as I don't
put out bad energy, nothing can really hurt me. Sure, someone could walk
in here right now and shoot me dead, but it would only be my body that
dies...nothing can hurt my heart and nothing can harm my soul. That
feeling that came over me that night was the universe's way of wrapping
its arms around me, and holding me safe. I am thankful everyday for this
experience.
A Kiss
A hard shade of pink surrounds,
enhances an icy pale blue stare
which forces drops of salted sorrow
down my reddened face
My tongue sneaks out to taste
the salt just like it did
to taste your lips on mine-
with fear
Fear of pain, of loss
fear of one salty drop
tainting the crystal
fresh water spring
of the waterfall that plummits
into white foamed rapids-
life
A hopeful trembling hand reaches out
to catch a shooting star
And misses by and inch-
dream shattered seconds to truth
The pieces are hard to find.
