"G's Collection of Funny, Page"
Random Thoughts
#98: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate works-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
#24: If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
#41: If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove tough your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
#308: If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.
#223: If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
#301: One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something. Let me be surprised for a change.
#8: I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
#288: If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
#294: The weirdest thing about going to the store and seeing a jar of pickles with your picture on it is not that your picture is on the jar. It's that the store manager won't give you the pickles for free, and doesn't even think the picture looks like you.
#115: If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
#213: If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
#384: I don't think I can be hypnotized. This hypnotist tried to hypnotize me one time, but he couldn't. And I tell him that each time I go over to wash his car, which is every Wednesday.
#448: When we were kids, I used to make fun of my friend Kevin whenever he had to go to his piano lesson. But look where he is now and look where I am. Actually, I don't know where his is now. But look where I am, that's my point.
#38: If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE:
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.
****! ***The Top Ten Men!!********
1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll
love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose
interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and! chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK:
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT
13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FO! IL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
JOKES:
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I dont know... Its never happened.
THEMES:
1. PROCRASTINATION: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
2. STUPIDITY: Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.
3. INEPTITUDE: If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
4. FAILURE: When your best just isn't good enough.
5. UNDERACHEIVEMENT: The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
6. DOUBT: In a battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
7. ADVERSITY: That which does not kill me just pospones the inevitable.
8. CLUELESSNESS: There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
9. INCOMPETENCE: When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there is no end to what you can't do.
10. REGRET: It hurts to admit when you make mistakes - but when they are big enough, the pain only lasts a second.
11. RISKS: If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on all of life's great disappointments.
12. INDIFFERENCE: It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
13. MISFORTUNE: While good fortune often eludes you, this kind never misses.
14. TROUBLE: Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.
15. AGONY: Not all pain is gain.
16. HAZARDS: There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that, though, you are doomed.
17. Blame Canada.
18. Confucious Say:
-Man who stand on toilet... High on pot.
19. Confucious Say:
-Those who quote me are fools.
Truely Great Pick Up Lines:
-(Spanish Voice) Hello, my name is Carlos. You are going back you my place with me. You will take off your panties and pretend your feet hate eachother.
-Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
-Playing doctor is for kids... Let's play gynecologist.
-Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Laura?
-Hi, I'm a tawdry slut looking for a good time.
-Hi, my name is G, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
-I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
-I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.
-Let's bypass all the bullshit and just get naked.
-My name's G. That's so you know what to scream.
-Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
-You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
-Would you fuck a complete stranger? (No) Hi, my name is G...
-Nice fucking weather. Want to?
-(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I with everything else.
-Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.
-Hello. I have sex on the first date. Do you?
Quotes:
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter
(i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "*%&$ this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take
the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
**Freshman Guide to Bra Removal***
OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
TECHIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"
WORTHLESS FACTS...
It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk
More than 2500 left handed people are killed every year from using right handed products
At - 40 degrees Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing
You use more calories eating celery than there are in the celery itself.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to
the wrong parents daily
The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.
After the “Popeye” comic strip started in 1931, spinach consumption went up by thirty-three percent in the United States.
The average person spends two weeks of their life kissing.
The spray WD-40 got its name because there were forty attempts needed before the creation of the “water displacing” substance.
The first ever “World Summit on Toilets” was held in Singapore in November 2001.
Until the 1960's men with long hair were not allowed to enter Disneyland.
Coconuts kill more people in the world than sharks do. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.
In 1983, a Japanese artist, Tadahiko Ogawa, made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of ordinary toast.
Gloucestershire airport in England used to blast Tina Turner songs on the runways to scare birds away.
There is a town in Texas called Ding Dong. In 1990, the population was only twenty-two people.
A B-25 bomber airplane crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.
India has a Bill of Rights for cows.
Emilio Marco Palma was the first person born in Antarctica in 1978.
On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."
A Russian man who wore a beard during the time of Peter the Great had to pay a special tax.
All the Krispy Kreme donut stores collectively could make a doughnut stack as high as the Empire State Building in only 2 minutes.
Americans consumed more than twenty billion hot dogs in 2000.
An egg that is fresh will sink in water, but a stale one won't.
Approximately 850 peanuts make a 18 oz jar of peanut butter.
Baskin Robbins once made ketchup ice cream. This was the only vegetable flavoured ice cream produced. However, they discontinued it since they thought it would not sell well.
Battle Creek, Michigan is referred to as the "Cereal Bowl of America." The city produces the most breakfast cereals than any other city in the world.
Budweiser beer is named after a town in Czechoslovakia.
By federal law, for a noodle to actually be a noodle it must have 5.5 percent egg solids in it, otherwise it cannot be called a noodle.
Canada has more donut shops per capita than the United States.
Canola oil is actually rapeseed oil but the name was changed in Canada for marketing reasons.
Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from producing tears.
Club Direct, a travel insurance company in Britain, provides insurance plans for protection from coconuts.
Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine when it was initially introduced.
Coca-Cola was the first soft drink to be consumed in outer space.
Decaffeinated coffee is not 100% caffeine free. When coffee is being decaffeinated, 2% of the caffeine still remains in it.
Dustin Phillips of the U.S. has the record for ketchup drinking. He drank a 14-ounce bottle of tomato ketchup through a ¼ inch straw in 33 seconds on September 23, 1999.
Every day, over five billion gallons of water are flushed down toilets in the United States.
If all the Oreo cookies ever sold were stacked on top of one another, they would be as high as 13.3 million Sears Towers.
If all the strawberries produced in California annually were put side by side, they would wrap around the Earth fifteen times.
In 1981, blueberry flavoured jellybeans were created for United States' president Ronald Reagan's inauguration in 1981.
In Spain, it is common to pour chocolate milk or cafe au lait on cereal for breakfast.
It takes seven to ten days to make a jelly belly jellybean.
Japanese research has concluded that moderate drinking can boost IQ levels.
JELL-O was declared The "Official State Snack" of Utah in January 2001.
Ketchup originated in China as a pickled fish sauce called ke-tsiap.
Macadamia nuts are not sold in their shells because it takes 300 pounds per square inch of pressure to break the shell.
Ninety-nine percent of pumpkins sold in the United States are for the sole purpose of decoration.
On average, 350 squirts are needed from milking a cow to make a gallon of milk.
On average, an ear of a corn has 16 rows and approximately 800 kernels.
Pikeville, Kentucky consumes the most Pepsi per capita then any other American city.
Scientists at the Texas A&M University's Institute for Biosciences and Technology are working on ways to grow vaccines inside of bananas.
Smelling bananas can help a person lose weight.
The average Hostess Twinkie is 68 percent air as measured by volume according to university researchers
The average person can live about a month without eating any food, but can only live about a week without water.
The capital of Vermont, Montpelier is the only state capital in the United States that does not have a McDonalds.
The chocolate "M&M's" stands for the last names of Forrest E. Mars Sr., the candy maker, and his associate Bruce Murrie.
The formula for Coca-cola has never been patented.
93% of all greeting cards are purchased by women.
America's favorite Crayola crayon color is blue.
An airplane mechanic invented Slinky while he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use for the springs.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Before toilet paper was invented, French royalty wiped their bottoms with fine linen.
Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving foam.
If someone was to fly once around the surface of the moon, it would be equal to a round trip from New York to London.
In 1982, a cactus in Phoenix, Arizona killed a man. David Grundman fired two shotgun blasts at a giant saguaro cactus that ended up falling on top of him.
Paper money is not made from wood pulp but from cotton. This means that it will not disintegrate as fast if it is put in the laundry.
Scatologists are experts who study feces. (aka. crap, dung, dookie, dumps, feces, excrement, etc.)
The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
The most popular name for a pet in the United States is Max.
The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.
There are five years in a quinquennium.
There was a 19th century Native American tribal chief who went under the name, "Not Able to Fornicate."
In Australia, a tornado is called a "willy-willy."
A jiffy is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Thus the saying, I will be there in a jiffy.
After the U.S Civil War, about 33%-50% of all U.S. paper currency in circulation was counterfeit.
During the 16th century, newly married couples in France had to stand naked outdoors while the groom kissed the bride's left foot and big toe as part of traditional customs.
In 1926, a waiter in Budapest committed suicide. He left his suicide note in the form of a crossword and the police had to get help from the public to solve it.
In the spring of 1975, a baby in Detroit fell 14 stories and landed on Joseph Figlock, who was walking below. A few years later it happened again. Figlock and both babies survived.
David Rice Atchinson was President of the United States for exactly one day. This happened due to a glitch in American law at the time.
In the 1985 Boise, Idaho mayoral election, there were four write-in votes for Mr. Potato Head.
A female ferret can die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A squirrel cannot carry the rabies virus.
Approximately sixty circus performers have been shot from cannons. At last report, thirty-one of these have been killed.
On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.
Parker Brothers prints about 50 billion dollars worth of Monopoly money in one year.
In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become a year older on New Year's Day.
On average, there are 333 squares of toilet paper on a roll.
The numbers on opposite sides of a die always add up to 7.
In 1979, Namco released Pac-Man, the most popular arcade game of all time. Over 300,000 units were sold worldwide. More than 100,000 units are sold in the United States alone. Originally named Puck Man, the game was retitled after executives saw the potential for vandals to scratch out part of the letter P on the game's marquee, which might discourage parents from letting their children play. Pac-Man became the first video game to be popular with both males and females.
If you were born in Los Alamos, New Mexico during the Manhattan project (where they made the atomic bomb), your birth place is listed as a post office box in Albuquerque.
The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Eskimos never gamble.
20252 is Smokey the Bear's own zip code.
203 million dollars is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.
If you had enough water to fill one million goldfish bowls, you could fill an entire stadium.
Zip code 12345 is assigned to General Electric in Schenectady, NY.
Success magazine recently declared bankruptcy.
The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
acetwothreefourfivesixseveneightninetenjackqueenking Excluding the joker, if you add up the letters in all the names of the cards in the deck (Ace, two, three, four,...,king). the total number of letters is 52, the same as the number of cards in the deck.
The Statue of Liberty's mouth is 3 feet wide.
The father of the Pink Flamingo (the plastic lawn ornament) is Don Featherstone of Massachusetts. Featherstone graduated from art school and went to work as a designer for Union Products, a Leominster, Mass., company that manufactures flat plastic lawn ornaments. He designed the pink flamingo in 1957 as a follow up project to his plastic duck. Today, Featherstone is president and part owner of the company that sells an average of 250,000 to 500,000 plastic pink flamingos a year."I did it to keep from starving." - Don Featherstone (flamingo creator)
If China imported just 10% of it's rice needs- the price on the world market would increase by 80%.
Cleveland spelled backwards is "DNA level C".
When wearing a Kimono, Japanese women wear socks called "Tabi". The big toe of the sock is separated from the rest of the toes, like a thumb from a mitten.
There are 52 cards in a standard deck and there are 52 weeks in a year. There are 4 suits in a deck of cards and 4 seasons in a year. If you add the values of all the cards in a deck (jack=11 queen=12, etc.) you get a total of 365 the same as the number of days in a year.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Any cup-shaped object placed over the ear produces the same effect.
In 1982, the last member of a group of people who believed the Earth was hollow died.
The famous painting of "Whistler's Mother" was once bought from a pawn shop.
Revolvers cannot be silenced because of all the noisy gasses which escape the cylinder gap at the rear of the barrel.
In 1961, Henry Matisse's painting Le Bateau hung upside down in New York's Museum of Modern Art. It remained upside down for forty-one days until someone noticed. It's estimated nearly 116,000 people passed in front of the painting before the error was noted.
The number 4 is the only number that has the same number of letters in its name as its meaning.
If you lace your shoes from the inside to the outside the fit will be snugger around your big toe.
In 1931, an industrialist named Robert Ilg built a half-size replica of the Leaning Tower of Pisa outside Chicago and lived in it for several years. The tower is still there.
The first manager of the Seattle Space Needle, Hoge Sullivan, was acrophobic - fearful of heights. The 605 foot tall Space Needle is fastened to its foundation with 72 bolts, each 30 feet long. The Space Needle sways approximately 1 inch for every 10 mph of wind. It was built to withstand a wind velocity of 200 miles-per-hour.
The first revolving restaurant, The Top of the Needle, was located at the 500-foot level of the 605-foot-high steel-and-glass tower at the Century 21 Exposition in Seattle, Washington. It contained 260 seats and revolved 360 degrees in an hour. The state-of-the-art restaurant was dedicated on May 22, 1961.
The official soft drink of the state of Nebraska - Kool-Aid.
7.5 million toothpicks can be created from a cord of wood.
A McDonald's straw will hold 7.7ml, or just over one-and-a-half teaspoons of whatever you are drinking. This means that it would take 17,000 strawfuls of water to fill up a 34 gallon bathtub.
Before settling on the name of Tiny Tim for his character in "A Christmas Carol", three other alliterative names were considered by Charles Dickens. They were: Little Larry, Puny Pete and Small Sam.
The name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box is Bingo.
A lead pencil is good for about 50,000 words.
It's rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.
A car operates at maximum economy, gas-wise, at speeds between 25 and 35 miles per hour.
A car that shifts manually gets 2 miles more per gallon of gas than a car with automatic shift.
A car uses 1.6 ounces of gas idling for one minute.
Half an ounce is used to start the average automobile.
The Sarah Winchester house, in San Jose, CA, is a truly bizarre piece of architecture. Mrs. Winchester, after losing first a daughter and then her husband to disease, consulted a medium to find the reason for her terrible luck. The medium advised her that there was a curse on her family, brought about by her husband's manufacturing of rifles when he was alive. To escape the curse, the medium advised, she should move West and build, and perhaps would live forever. Mrs. Winchester did just that, using the fortune she had inherited to buy a house and just keep building—adding on room after room for 36 years. Each room had 13 windows (the number was considered spiritual rather than unlucky) and many of the windows contained precious jewels. Other odd features of the house—intended to confuse evil spirits—included a staircase that went straight to a ceiling, doors that open onto two-story drops, a room with a glass floor, and a room without windows that - once entered - a person cannot leave without a key. The house contains 160 rooms, 2000 doors, and 10,000 windows, some of which open onto blank walls. There are also secret passageways.
In the game Monopoly, the most money you can lose in one travel around the board (normal game rules, going to jail only once) is $26,040. The most money you can lose in one turn is $5070.
Russians are buying skateboards from the U.S. - but not for recreational purposes. They see them as an answer to some of the country's transportation needs, because the boards are less expensive than bicycles and require little storage space. The first boards went to school instructors so they could train pupils how to ride them.
The "black box" that houses an airplane's voice recorder is orange so it can be more easily detected amid the debris of a plane crash.
According to scientific studies, a rat's performance in a maze can be improved by playing music written by Mozart.
The bonobo monkeys use sex (and/or sexual favors) to placate members of their social group instead of grooming. They are one of the few species of animals that have sex for fun.
According to the World Health Organization, there are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
Sex burns 360 calories per hour.
Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions
The condom is named after Dr. Charles Condom.
In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is illegal to get a fish drunk, and in North Carolina it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.
Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 US states.
More than half the American men surveyed admit to having sex with women they disliked.
The condom made originally of linen was invented in the early 1500's.
THE BEER PRAYER
Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
In the name of the bitter, the lager, and the pale ale...
Barmen....
THE CREATION OF A Pu-Tang
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pu-tang to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and! chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
the lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
had a dirty wang,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a pu-tang.
Yes, some of this information is stolen from other sources, but this is non-profit, and I dont remember where I stole this shit from.