There were six of them. And there was soon to be another. But he was
not one of them.
No, he had been cut! What had he done wrong? Nothing! But he had been cut; he was not
one of them. It wasn't right! It was all a conspiracy! They were all plotting against him, all
six of them. They thought they were so great. Now it was time for justice to be delivered.
They would soon feel his wrath.... the wrath of Evil Cid!
* * *
Wedge walked into the meeting room of the Highwind, carrying the mail. "Hey, Cid,"
Wedge said, waving a letter. "You've got mail."
"Can't you see I'm @#$in' busy?" Cid snapped. "Check," he said, moving his knight.
Red XIII examined the chess board. "Are you sure you want to do that?"
"Of course I'm sure!" Cid replied.
Red XIII sighed and slid his bishop across the board. "Checkmate," he said. "I win."
Cid swore and threw his hands up in the air. "Seven turns!" he shouted.
"Wow, you're almost as bad at chess as Barret is at PaRappa," Caet Sith
impudently from nearby.
"I heard that, cat," Barret said from across the room.
Wedge stood impatiently in the doorway. "I'll just open it and see if
important." He tore open the letter -- and it exploded. "Not agaiiin!" Wedge's voice trailed
off as he was enveloped in the explosion.
There was silence. Cid eventually broke it with a string of curses.
"@#$&! That was
meant for me!"
"Poor Wedge," Caet Sith said. "How many times has he died now?"
* * *
Cid entered his lab in Baron Castle. His mail was sitting on the table. Out of habit, Cid
decided to "Peep" his mail before he opened it. He recoiled in shock as he examined the
first letter and stared at its contents.
There was a bomb inside.
Cid gingerly picked up the top letter by its corner and set it aside.
He then proceeded to
examine the rest of his mail, all of which was harmless, but could not shake the thoughts
of the bomb from his mind. Somebody had obviously wanted to kill him... but who?
* * *
Mid opened the Previas' mailbox in Karnak. There was a single letter inside. Mid took it
and was heading back towards the house when he heard a loud "WARK!" behind him.
A rabid Chocobo was charging straight towards him. Mid tried to scramble
to get out the
way, but the Chocobo plowed into him and knocked him down. The letter fell from Mid's
hand and was snatched up by the rabid Chocobo, which kept running.
Mid got dizzily to his feet. The rabid Chocobo charged off through Karnak,
letter as it went. Suddenly, the Chocobo exploded in a ball of flame and burned up.
"Yikes!" Mid said. "Good thing I didn't open that letter!"
* * *
Evil Cid stood in the so-called Ryukahn Desert; what was really going to be his
laboratory. Instead they made it a stupid desert! With an airship buried under the sand that
you raised by using a "Floater" stone! What kind of storyline was that? The fools would
pay for this outrage!
His letter bombings had apparently failed, but he had a brilliant new
plan. He would draw
the other false Cids here and deal with them personally. Cackling evilly, he reached over to
his newly-constructed radio transmitter and flipped it on...
* * *
"Who could be responsible for this?" Cloud wondered aloud as AVALANCHE gathered
in the meeting room of the Highwind.
"Oooh, let's try the Psychic Friends Hotline," Caet Sith said, grabbing
the phone off the
wall and calling the Psychic Friends Hotline. "Hello?" he asked. "I'd like to know who just
sent a letter bomb to Cid Highwind." After a brief pause, Caet said "Thank you" and hung
up. He turned to the rest of the group and gave a thumbs-up. "It's the work of the Evil
Cid," he reported. "Apparently he wants revenge against all of the Cids."
"I can't believe you actual trust that stuff," Tifa said to him.
"I'm not the one who's paying the phone bill," C.S. shrugged.
"What do you mean, 'all of the Cids?'" Cloud asked Caet.
"Oh no, not those $&*$!in' losers we met in that Guardian Amulet
episode," Cid said
[note: the Guardian Amulet was another one of my fanfics].
"It stands to reason that those would be the individuals in question,"
Red XIII said. "And
it would seem logical to assume that this Evil Cid would have sent letter bombs to the
other Cids as well."
"Tough toasties," Cid said. "Don't think you're draggin' me into another
adventure." Cid crossed his arms and turned away from the group. "I've got things to do.
The Highwind needs a tune-up." Lighting a cigarette, Cid turned and marched out of the
room. He descended the ladder that led into the Highwind's rarely-seen engine room.
Cid picked up his toolbox from the steel floor of the engine room and
set it on a nearby
workbench. He then turned to the radio sitting on top of a cabinet and turned it on. As he
was turning away, the radio announcer spoke. "You are listening to WCID, the ONLY
station dedicated to playing 'MMMBop' 24 hours a day! And now, back to more
"@#$)(*#$%!" Cid swore. Acting quickly, he spun the dial to a different
channel, only to
be confronted with exactly the same message. Cid hurriedly slammed the dial to several
different channels, but they were all the same. As the song started, Cid tried to turn the
radio off, but the on / off switch was stuck on the "on" position. Out of desperation, Cid
flung open his toolbox, grabbed a nail gun, and shot the radio. The radio exploded, leaving
only a pile of parts with electricity sizzling between them.
"Who @^$%(in' messed with my radio?" Cid said aloud, staring at the broken device.
Cid kicked his toolbox off the bench and stormed back up to the meeting
room. "Let's see,
I control all of the north continent, so I get three extra guys," Vincent was saying. He
picked up the pair of dice from the side of the Risk board and started shaking them. "All
right, Barret, I'm attacking the North Corel Area with four guys from the Icicle Area."
"Roll the dice, foo'," Barret said.
Caet Sith looked up. "That was quick," he said, seeing Cid in the doorway.
"Some ^&$%$) messed with my radio," Cid snapped. "Every channel
was playing some
$%&*! MMMBop crap, and I couldn't turn it off."
"That's terrible!" Caet Sith said. "I'm outraged! I'm going to express
with a large-scale letter-writing campaign that will do absolutely no good whatsoever!"
"Are you making fun of me?" Cid demanded.
"I LIKE Hanson," Yuffie protested.
"You would," Barret muttered.
"And not only that... but it was station 'WCID'. What kind of $(&%^
would do that to
"Evil Cid?" Aerith suggested.
"Oh, $%(&$^," Cid swore. "All right, I guess I'm stuck in this,
then. Nobody plays
Hanson songs on my radio... and lives!"
"So what's the plan?" Cloud asked nonchalantly.
"First, we've got to warn the other Cids," Aerith said. "But how could
we possibly do
"I know!" Caet Sith said, jumping off his moogle and onto the table. "We gotta believe!"
"They live on other worlds, right?" Red XIII said. "Couldn't we build
a new rocket in
Rocket Town and use it to reach the other worlds?"
"Sounds like a plan," Cloud said with a nod.
"It IS a plan," Caet Sith said.
"By the way, it's your turn," Red said to Tifa. "Are you going to go?"
* * *
Rufus sat at his desk in the Shinra Building, doing paperwork. To alleviate the boredom,
he reached for the radio on his desk and turned it on.
"You've just been listening to Hanson's MMMBop. And because WCID is
MMMBop station, back to more MMMBop!"
Suddenly, the door to his office flew open as Reno dived in and shot
the radio off Rufus's
desk. "What was that for?" Rufus asked as Reno picked himself off the ground.
"We've received lots of reports of that happening, Mr. President," Reno
his suit. "Apparently something's been scrambling the airwaves with channel WCID and
playing nothing but MMMBop. Not only that, but the radios get locked in the 'on'
"Who's behind this?" Rufus demanded. "Cid Highwind?"
"That would be the logical assumption, yes," Reno said. "But our intelligence
he hates Hanson... then again, our intelligence reports that about almost every human
being. Except Yuffie Kisaragi -- but we're not sure if she meets that 'human' requirement
Rufus's phone rang. The president of Shinra reached for it. "Watch,
I bet it has to do with
Cid," Reno said to nobody in particular.
"President Rufus of Shinra," Rufus answered the phone.
"This is Cid Highwind," Cid said. "Somebody's messed up my radio. It's
Hanson #$%(* now. We think it's some guy called the Evil Cid, who wants revenge
against me and the other Cids. So we're trying to warn them about what he's up to, but we
need a rocket to get to the other worlds where the Cids live."
"And this is where I come in," Rufus said.
"Right," Cid agreed. "We need you to fund the rocket construction."
"And what's in it for me?" Rufus asked.
"I'm still thinking about that one," Cid said.
"I'll fund the rocket on one condition," Rufus said. "Sephiroth's ghost
has taken over
Junon and he's turned it into a 'Jenova World' theme park. You were with me on that
Guardian Amulet expedition, so you know about that. If you'll testify in Sephiroth's trial
for stealing my city, I'll fund the rocket."
"Is that agreement legal?" Cid asked.
"Do you want the rocket or not?" Rufus snapped.
"Oh... right. Okay, that sounds like a fair deal," Cid said.
* * *
Cid and Shera stood on the launching pad in Rocket Town, supervising the construction
of the new Shinra-27. Blue-suited Shinra flunkies scurried around the staging area with
rocket parts and building supplies. "The rocket's coming along well," Shera observed.
"This time I really am gettin' out into space," Cid said determinedly.
There was silence for a while, until Cid spoke again. "Shera," he said.
I've wanted to ask you for a long time."
"What's that?" Shera asked.
"Why was there #$&%$!in' gravity in the Shinra-26 when it was out in space?"
"Uh... um... I guess... I don't know," Shera stammered, taken aback.
* * *
"Thank the Planet for strategically inserted asterisks," Caet Sith said as the gang stood in
front of the completed Shinra-27 rocket. The new rocket was almost identical to the
Shinra-26, except, of course, that it said Shinra-27 on the side.
"The rocket's not very big, so we won't all be able to go," Shera explained.
"Cid and I will
go by ourselves and come back with the other Cids."
"Just out of curiousity, how did you plan to get back?" Red XIII asked.
There was a pause. "Oh, %$%^)@," Cid said. "I knew something was wrong
plan. Well, we'll worry about that when the time comes. Nothing's going to stop me from
launching my rocket."
Cid confidentally strode into the rocket, followed by Shera. "Hey-hey!"
a voice behind
Cid and Shera both turned. Palmer was waddling up the steps to the launching
no, it's old fatman Palmer," Cid said.
"Hey-hey!" Palmer said again. "Rufus sent me to monitor the rocket launch!"
Cid glanced at Shera. "Are we going to take this $%&$% along?"
"Do we really have any choice?" Shera asked. "Shinra IS funding the rocket, after all."
"As Barret would say... damn Shinra..." Cid said, lighting a cigarette.
"All right, Palmer.
Cid, Shera, and Palmer boarded the Shinra-27 rocket. "When's the launch?" Palmer asked.
"Any minute now," Shera answered.
"Captain!" a crew member said urgently over the rocket's intercom. "Somebody's
"Not $&%$^)%^*%in' again!" Cid shouted, kicking the wall. "Who is it?"
There was a pause, then the crew member replied, "It's Biggs, sir."
"He's expendable," Cid declared. "Proceed with the launch."
The rocket shook slightly as the girders holding it dropped down. It
then shot into the sky,
covering the launching pad in a trail of smoke. "Aieeeee!" Biggs screamed as he was
* * *
Evil Cid put down the controller to the spy satellite he was using to keep tabs on the other
Cids. Everything was working perfectly. Now was the time to activate the next stage of
his plan. Evil Cid strode through the sand to his transmitter and pressed a button on the
* * *
Windia Castle, Breath of Fire II...
Nina walked into her younger sister Mina's room. After Deathevn had
been defeated, the
elders of the Dragon Clan had restored Mina into her human form.
Mina was seated on her bed, watching Eichichi's latest creation, a TV.
As Nina came into
the room, the TV screen suddenly filled up with static. Moments later, the Pocket Monster
Pikachu appeared on the screen and flashed its red eyes. Mina instantly toppled over on
"Mina? Mina? Are you all right?" Nina asked.
Mina sprung to her feet, glowing blue. She started to grow until she
was the same height
as her sister. Then she shot a bolt of lightning from her hands at Nina that knocked Nina
to the ground. "Fool!" she shouted. "I am not Mina! I am... Evil Nina! Mwah ha ha!"
Mina / Evil Nina raised her hands, transformed into the Great Bird,
and flew out the
window of her room. "Wait!" Nina shouted as she stumbled back to her feet. "Mina!
Come back! What are you doing?"
* * *
Cid, Shera, and Palmer stood in the Shinra-27 watching its progress through space on the
autopilot display. "The rocket construction sure went quickly," Shera noted.
"We got a lot of the parts used," Palmer explained. "They were from
some space station...
the Mir, I think it was called."
There was silence.
"This does not bode well," Cid said.
"I guess we could repair the boding device, then," Palmer said, rubbing his bald head.
"Shut up, you $)&$%in' idiot," Cid snapped.
The entire rocket suddenly shook as a large explosion sounded from below.
to pour up out of the vents from the engine room. Shera scrambled down the ladder to
investigate. One of the oxygen tanks had caught fire -- it was old oxygen tank no. 5. Shera
struggled to catch her breath as the room filled with smoke, then hurried back up the
ladder. "One of the oxygen tanks blew up," she reported.
"$&%^!" Cid swore.
Palmer pressed the button to turn on the intercom that connected the
rocket with the
control station. "Uh..." he said hesitantly. "Midgar, we have a problem."
* * *
Cid Highwind awoke in a bed somewhere with a throbbing headache. As he looked
around, he saw he was in a castle. Shera, apparently unconscious, was in another bed on
the other side of the room. "Where the spoony am I?" he asked aloud.
"What kind of idiot would ask rhetorical questions?" somebody said.
Cid looked up. Two people were standing over the bed. One was a heavy-set,
man wearing blue clothes, a blue helmet, and goggles. The other was a thinner guy in a
"You're awake!" the bearded one said. "Remember me? I'm Cid IV." When
FF4's Cid, and FF6's Cid had met in the Guardian Amulet adventure, they decided to use
Roman numerals after their names to distinguish themselves.
"Oh... yeah," Cid VII said, still half unconscious. "What happened to my rocket?"
"It crashed," Cid IV explained. "In the Kaipo Desert. Luckily, you landed
on one of your
companions -- the fat one. Otherwise you might have been more seriously injured. As it is,
you just suffered a minor blow to the head."
"So I did make it to your world," Cid VII said.
"Yup," Cid IV agreed. "Welcome to Baron Castle."
Cid VII grinned in satisfaction. "I did it!" Then a more serious expression
crossed his face.
"Is the rocket repairable?"
Cid IV shook his head. "It's totalled. The whole thing exploded when it landed."
Cid VII nodded. "One of the oxygen tanks caught fire."
"Nonsense," the thin man in the suit suddenly interrupted in a whiny
voice. "It was hit by a
"A missile?" Cid VII snorted. "Don't be ridiculous!"
"It was a missile, all right," the thin man insisted. "I read it on
the Internet. It must be
"I was spoony there!" Cid VII exploded. "Besides, who would be shooting
small rockets out in the middle of nowhere in space?"
"The aliens," the man said, talking faster and faster. "The same ones
who crashed the
spaceship at Agart! They've taken over the government! They abducted my best friend!
They -" The man suddenly broke off when Cid VII grabbed a book off the bedside table,
sat up, and hit him over the head with it.
Cid VII hopped out of bed. "Spoony," he said. He then shook his head.
"Huh? Why did I
"You were probably trying to swear," Cid IV said. "The laws of physics
are different here.
If you try to swear, it's somehow censored and changed to 'spoony.'"
"What kind of spoony is that?" Cid VII said. "No, I didn't mean that! Oh, spoony!"
"Don't bother trying to fight it," Cid IV advised. "But you haven't
told me yet... what did
you come all this way for?"
"Cid, you know anything about an 'Evil Cid' fellow?"
"Evil Cid?" Cid IV repeated. "Can't say that I've heard of him. Who is he?"
"He's some fake Cid or something," Cid VII said. "The spoony took over
all the radio
stations on my planet and turned them into WCID, which plays nothing but MMMBop
spoony. Oh yeah, and he sent me a letter bomb."
"I got a letter bomb a few days ago," Cid IV said quickly. "Evil Cid too?"
"Evil Cid's out for revenge against the other Cids," Cid VII said. "I
came here to warn
"We'd better get to the other Cids quickly," Cid IV said. "Evil Cid
may have sent them
bombs too. Follow me." Cid IV started for the stairs.
"What about Shera and fatman Palmer?" Cid VII asked with a nod towards the other bed.
"The fat one's had a concussion," Cid IV said. "He'll be out of action
for a while." He then
looked at Shera. "She should be recovered pretty soon, though."
The thin man shook off his stunned condition and immediately started
talking again. "And
they built crop circles! The Tower of Bab-il; they built that too! They're the ones who
censor everything we say! It's all a conspiracy!"
"We can pick her up on the way back," Cid IV said.
"Back? Where are we going?" Cid VII asked.
"Follow me," Cid IV urged, running down the stairs.
Cid VII followed him, leaving the thin man ranting at the walls. "The
face on the moon!
The face on the moon!"
Cid IV lead Cid VII through Baron Castle and out the front gates. He
then took Cid VII
around behind the castle and into a grassy field. Sitting in the middle of the field was a
huge mechanical whale.
Cid IV motioned towards it with an extravagant gesture. "Behold the
Big Whale, our
"A whale?" Cid VII said. "What kind of a spoony spaceship is that?"
"We didn't exactly have any choice," Cid IV said in an injured tone.
"It's our only chance,
anyways. I'll get this loaded; you go check on Shera."
* * *
Cid IV paced the Big Whale, waiting for Cid VII. The newest Cid eventually arrived with
Shera. "I'll pilot," Cid IV said. "Where to first?"
"I guess we'd better go pick up that loser in a raincoat," Cid VII said.
Cid IV walked to the center of the spaceship and touched the Crystal
of Flight. The Big
Whale started to levitate and rose from the ground until it passed through the atmosphere
and out into space.
While the Big Whale plodded through space towards Cid VI's planet, Cid
VII and Shera
took a look around the ship. A door in the back of the main room led into the Big Whale's
sleeping quarters. Cid VII poked his head into a narrow passage in the back. "Hey," he
said. "There's a big fat Chocobo back here. Kinda reminds me of Palmer."
"WARK!" the Chocobo bellowed.
The pair then climbed down a ladder into a wide, dark, room. It was
hangar in which was
stored Cid IV's airship, the Enterprise. "Preparing for landing," Cid IV said from above.
"Please return all seats to the upright position and turn off all portable electronic devices."
Cid VII and Shera returned to the main room of the Big Whale as it landed
on the Solitary
Island. The two Cids ran out and found Cid VI's tiny hut. Cid IV knocked on the door.
Cid VI opened, peered out, and started in surprise. "Who are you?" he asked.
"Remember us?" Cid IV asked. "I'm Cid IV, and this is Cid VII."
"Oh, the other Cids," Cid VI said, recalling the pair. "What brings you here?"
"Evil Cid," Cid VII said. "He's out for revenge against the other Cids.
Did you get a letter
"No," Cid VI said. "No, I didn't. But then the carrier pigeons take
a long time to get out to
this little island."
"It's not raining out, and you were indoors anyway," Cid VII blurted.
"So why the
#@%*$%$ are you wearing a raincoat?"
Cid VI ignored him. "Am I being recruited here?"
"That's the general idea," Cid IV said. "We've brought my spaceship,
the Big Whale Grab
your airship and let's go."
Cid VI cringed and started to fidget nervously.
"You forgot," Cid VII said to Cid IV. "This poser doesn't HAVE an airship...
and he calls
himself a Cid."
"It's not my fault," Cid VI protested. "I'll see what I can do."
"We'll be waiting for you at the Big Whale," Cid IV said.
"$%*!@ poser," Cid muttered under his breath as Cid VI returned to his
* * *
Cid VI charged up the hill to where the Big Whale was parked, riding in a suit of
Magitek Armor. Two Imperial soldiers in more armor followed him.
"What's this?" Cid IV asked.
"Magitek Armor," Cid VI explained somewhat apologetically. "It was the
best I could
come up with. It's a new model, though -- it can fly. I also brought two friends along." He
gestured towards the pair trailing along.
"Hi," said one of the soldiers. "I'm Wedge and this is Biggs, but he goes by Vicks."
"I sure hope we don't die again," Vicks said.
"All right, get on," Cid VII said. "We'll put the Magitek Armor down in the hangar."
Wedge and Vicks took the Magitek Armor to the hangar while the Cids
gathered on the bridge. "All right, next we need to pick up Cid V," Shera said.
"Never met him," Cid VII said.
"We should be able to find him," Cid IV said. He walked to the Crystal
of Flight and
touched it. The Big Whale took off and flew towards the FF5 world.
"We're out in the vaccuum of space, in a spaceship," Cid VII said to
Cid VI. "So WHY
THE #$*&$% are you wearing a raincoat?"
"We're here," Cid VI announced as the Big Whale landed near the town
of Karnak. The
three Cids disembarked, leaving Shera, Wedge, and Vicks behind.
After asking around, the three Cids found their way to the Previas'
house. Cid IV knocked
on the door, and a short blond kid in glasses answered it. "Hello?" the kid said.
"Uh... does Cid live here?" Cid IV asked.
"Yeah, hang on, I'll get him," the kid said. He disappeared inside the
house, and shortly
Cid V appeared at the door.
"Cid Previa," Cid V introduced himself. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm Cid Highwind," Cid VII said. "Cid VII. These are Cid IV and Cid
VI. We're the other
Cids. You would be Cid V."
"Pleased to meet you," Cid V said, shaking hands with the other Cids.
"No fair," Cid VI said. "You have a last name."
"Maybe if you took off that raincoat, you'd get one," Cid VII snapped.
"Do you know about Evil Cid?" Cid IV asked. Cid V shook his head. "He's
Cid that's out for revenge against us and the other Cids. We're trying to gather up all the
Cids to defeat him."
"All right, count me in," Cid V said. "Can I bring Mid along, too?"
"Mid?" Cid VI asked.
"He's my grandson," Cid V said. "He's a Cid-in-Training."
"All right, bring him along," Cid VII said.
Cid V turned inside the house. "Mid!" he called. The short blonde kid
returned to the
doorway. "Mid, these are the other Cids -- Cid VII, Cid VI, and Cid IV. They need our
help to defeat the Evil Cid."
"All right," Mid said. "Let's go."
"Just who is this Evil Cid guy, anyway?" Cid V asked.
Cid VII scratched his head. "Now that you mention it, I never bothered to find out."
"Hang on," Cid V said. "I'll find out." He ran off and returned several
carrying a turtle tucked under one arm.
"This better be important," Sage Ghido said.
"We just have one question for you," Cid V said. "Who is Evil Cid?"
"He's really Cid I," Sage Ghido said. "Except that there is no Cid I.
He got cut, you see,
and now he's out for revenge."
* * *
The Big Whale landed near the town of Canaan. The ever-increasing group of Cids
disembarked and entered the town. They soon located the residence of Cid III.
"What can I do for you?" Cid III asked.
"We're the other Cids," Cid IV greeted. "I'm Cid IV, these are Cids,
V, VI, and VII, and
you're Cid III. Cid I's turned evil, and we need your help to stop him."
Cid III paused to digest this information. "Oh. Okay. All right, then."
"You didn't get any suspicious mail, did you?" Cid IV asked.
"No, can't say that I did," Cid III replied.
"Must be the crappy technology they have here," Cid VII said. "You people
"Huh?" Cid III asked.
"Didn't think so," Cid VII said half to himself. Then another thought
occured to him. "You
DO have an airship, don't you?"
"Of course," Cid III said indignantly. "All Cids do."
"Hey," Cid VI protested.
"In fact we have several," Cid III said. "The -"
"We?" Cid VII cut in. "Do you have a split personality or something?"
Cid III ignored him. " - Enterprise, the Nautilus, the Invincible.."
"Hey, the Enterprise is MY airship," Cid IV said. "I'm suing."
"You have three airships?" Cid VI asked. "Can I have one? PLEEEEEASE?"
"Stop whining," Cid VII said, pulling the hood of Cid VI's raincoat
down over his face.
"You don't get an airship until you take off that damn raincoat."
"Stop arguing!" Cid V shouted, holding his head. "I thought we were
after Evil Cid!
We've got to hurry to make sure Cid II doesn't get a bomb."
"I thought Cid II was dead," Cid III said.
"Hmmm... that's right," Cid IV said.
"Let's go to his world anyway," Cid VII said. "Maybe they've appointed
a new Cid."
* * *
The Big Whale landed near the town of Poft. The five Cids got off and entered the town.
"This is where the old Cid lived," Cid III said. "Maybe somebody knows something about
there being a new Cid."
Cid VII grabbed a passing citizen. "Hey, you!" he said. "You know if there's a new Cid?"
"A new Cid?" the citizen said. "What was wrong with the old one?"
"I thought he was dead," Cid VII said.
"Nope," the citizen said. "He's still alive. He was wounded in the war, but he's still alive."
"Oh," Cid VII said as the citizen passed on. The Cids poked around town
until they found
Cid II's house.
Cid IV knocked on the door. Cid II peered out. "Yeah?" he asked. "What do you want?"
"Are you Cid?" Cid IV asked.
"That's me," Cid II said. "Wait, I think I know who you are. You're
probably the other
"Uh... yeah, as a matter of fact, we are," Cid VII said, taken aback.
Cid II opened the door fully and stepped onto the doorstep. "Why am
I last?" Cid II he
snapped. "Is it just 'cause I'm 8-bit? Is that it?"
"I didn't say that, I -" Cid VII started.
"Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinkin'!" Cid II snapped. "You're thinkin'
that Cid II ain't
a real Cid 'cause he doesn't have those fancy pol-ee-gons. Well, I've got more Cid in my
little fingers than all you youngsters do put together!"
"We were just -"
"You probably thought I was dead too, didn't you? Takes more than a
bunch of Imperial
flunkies to stop the likes of me! Why, one time back in the summer of '42 I -"
"Are you #$%@#$in' coming with us or not?" Cid VII asked irritably.
"Come with you? Why would I come with you when you're swearing like
should wash your mouth out with soap, young man! That's the problem with kids these
days. Got no respect for their elders!"
"But Cid I's gone berserk!" Cid VII protested. "He's turned into Evil
Cid, and he's taken
over all the radio stations and -"
"Eh? Radio stations?" Cid II said. "What are those? Is that another
one of your
new-fangled inventions? Limit Breaks, Materia, it's all a load of rubbish! Back in the good
old days, all I had was a dagger and a Fire 1 spell, and I was dang pleased to have 'em!"
"We've got to stop him!" Cid VII continued. "And the only way is if all of us Cids unite."
"And we didn't have any call spells either!" Cid II continued. "Knights
of the Round...
hmph! You kids are just spoiled rotten. In my day, it took actual skill to beat a boss!
Actual skill, y'hear?"
Cid IV calmly rapped Cid II on the head with his hammer, knocking #2
out. "I hate to do
that, but what other choice did we have?"
"I'll go find his airship," Cid V said. "Meet you back at the Big Whale."
* * *
When the Cids to the Big Whale, they found three similar-looking girls with wings. "Are
you the Cids?" one of them asked.
"That's us," Cid VII said. "Uh, except for that #$%*in' fellow in the raincoat."
"We're the Ninas. I'm Nina II, and these are Nina I and Nina III. We're
looking for Evil
"Evil Nina?" Cid VII repeated.
"It seems to be spreading," Cid IV observed.
"Evil Nina has teamed up with a fellow named Evil Cid," Nina III explained.
that since Evil Nina was trying to get revenge on us, Evil Cid might be after you Cids."
"Damn right he is," Cid VII said. "He's replaced all the radio stations
with his 24-hour
"Why?" Nina I asked, puzzled.
"Why?" Cid VII repeated. "He's one of those crazed evil maniac type
people! He doesn't
need a #$)%(*$%in' reason! Unless it was some kind of trap... designed... to.. lure... us...
to him..." His voice trailed off and he stared blankly ahead, thinking.
"I smell evil," Cid VI said.
"No, you smell terrible," Cid VII said, cracking up.
"Shut up, Cid VII," Cid III said.
"So now what are we going to do?" Cid IV asked.
"We don't have any choices," Cid VII said. "Trap or not, he's playing
Hanson music on the
radio. It's a crime against all of humanity. We must stop him."
An airship landed behind the group with Cid V on deck. "I found Cid
II's airship," he
"Thanks for pointing that out," Cid VI said.
"Stop trying to be #@$%@ funny," Cid VII said. "And take off that raincoat."
"That's Cid V," Cid IV introduced his fellow Cid. "Cid V, these are
the Ninas: Nina I,
Nina II, and Nina III. They're in pursuit of Evil Nina, who's teamed up with Evil Cid."
"Oh," Cid V said. "Okay."
"Don't stop to try to understand the storyline," Cid IV said. "It's
just a waste of time.
C'mon, let's get going. Next stop, Cid I's world!"
* * *
"Cid?" Evil Nina asked Evil Cid. The pair were in Evil Cid's laboratory-under-construction
"Yeah?" Evil Cid asked. "What?"
"We've stunned the greater part of the population of the universe with
broadcasts," Evil Nina mused. "Why stop with just the Cids and Ninas? Nobody can stop
"Hmmm..." Evil Cid considered the idea. "That's an awfully devious,
diabolical plot. Sounds good to me!"
Suddenly, a huge mechanical whale descended from the sky. The whale
hovered in mid-air
and deployed four airships and several flying suits of Magitek Armor. On board the fleet
stood the Cids, Mid, the Ninas, Vicks, Wedge, and Shera.
"Stop right there, Evil Cid!" Cid III shouted.
"I've been expecting you," Evil Cid sneered.
"Wouldn't want to disappoint you, then," Mid said as Vicks tried to
lock a missile on Evil
Evil Cid reached behind his radio transmitter and grabbed a bazooka.
He fired it at Vicks's
hovering Magitek armor. "Oh, no, not again," Vicks muttered. He tried to pilot his armor
out of the way, but while he was fiddling with the controls, the bazooka shell struck the
front of the armor and exploded, destroying the Magitek Armor and Vicks.
"Pathetic fools!" Evil Cid. "I am the real Cid! Did you really think
you could stop me by
cutting me from the game! Impostors! I am the real Cid! Now we shall see who really
deserves to be a Cid!"
"Not him," Cid VII muttered, jerking a thumb towards Cid VI.
"Don't people like him usually belong in padded cells?" Cid III said.
"Bad guys always explain their plans," Cid IV whispered. "Let's get
him while he's
"You're already too late," Evil Cid continued his rant, apparently unaware
of the airships
that were landing on all sides of him. "My broadcast scramblers have paralyzed the
populace of the galaxy! You are powerless to stop me!"
Evil Cid suddenly found Cid VII's spear pointed at his throat. "Yeah?"
Cid VII said. "You
and whose army?"
"This army!" Evil Nina said, stepping forward. She raised both her hands
and cast a spell.
Hundreds of purple stars spun out from her hands and settled down over the desert.
Where each star landed, a violet-colored Moogle rose from the ground.
"Moogles?" Cid V said in surprise.
One Moogle, who was wearing a Burger King crown, stepped forward. "We
are the Evil
Moogles," he said in a raspy voice. "We have come to seek vengeance for the eradication
of our species by the Chocobos."
The Moogles rushed towards the party of Cids and Ninas. As pike-wielding
swarmed around his feet, Cid VII turned from Evil Cid and cast a Comet 2 spell.
Asteroids rained down from the sky, pelting the Evil Moogles, but they continued their
"In my day, only MAGIC USERS could use magic!" Cid II shouted as he
approaching Moogle onto its back. "Yessiree bob, you were darned lucky if you could
cast magic when I was a young 'un. If you were a fighter - ha! You couldn't magic a rock
down a hill!"
Cid VI fired a barrage of TekMissiles at the Moogles that were attacking
him as he tried
to wade through the tide of Moogles towards Evil Cid. Nina II cast Typhoon on a band of
Evil Moogles, sweeping them away. Meanwhile, Evil Cid and Evil Nina were dragging the
broadcast scrambler towards the mountains.
"They're getting away!" Nina I said as she ran a Moogle through with
her rapier. She
transformed into her bird form and flew over the Moogle hordes after the fleeing duo.
Evil Nina changed into her own bird form and spiraled up to block Nina
Evil Cid was pressing some buttons on the broadcast scrambler, which was pointed
towards the battle. "Prepare for impact, troops!" he shouted as the device's built-in
monitor came on.
The Evil Moogles all shut their eyes tight and turned away from the
appeared on the monitor and flashes his red eyes at the Cids and Ninas. All of them had
seizures and collapsed to the ground. "Oops," Evil Cid cackled. "My bad." He pressed
another button and the monitor switched off.
The Moogles, all carefully avoiding eye contact with Pikachu, opened
their eyes. They
picked up the stunned Cids and Ninas and carried them towards the mountains.
* * *
Yuffie slid open the doors of the Highwind's meeting room. "Guys?" she asked. "I'm
feeling airsick again. Can I turn on the radio? MMMBop usually makes me feel better."
"Guys?" Yuffie repeated, peering into the meeting room. Cloud, Tifa,
Aerith, Barret, Red
XIII, Caet Sith, and Vincent were all lying unconscious on the floor in front of the TV.
Yuffie looked around the room. "I guess they won't mind if I turn on
the radio, then."
* * *
When Cid VII recovered from his seizure, he found himself hanging upside down from a
chain inside a cave. He looked around and saw that the other members of the party were
in a similar predicament. More importantly, there was a pool of lava underneath him. By
craning his neck, Cid saw Evil Cid, Evil Nina, and some Evil Moogles loading the
broadcast scrambler onto Evil Cid's airship.
Cid VII looked up. There was some sort of pulley system on the ceiling
that was holding
the chains up. It was obviously rigged to drop them in the lava after a certain amount of
time, which was being displayed on a LED panel on the side of the pulley device. The
clock read 5:00.
Evil Cid laughed, well, evily. "I hope you weren't planning anything
for the rest of the
afternoon," he chuckled. "It looks like you'll just be hanging around, heh heh. That is, until
you're dropped into the lava in five minutes."
"@#$(*$%!" Cid VII swore. "Why not just kill us right now instead of
coming up with
some $%$@! elaborate plan like this that just gives us a chance to escape?"
Evil Cid produced a worn yellow book from his coat and thumbed through
Conquest for Dummies: A Reference For the Rest of Us, Chapter 13. Under no
circumstances should you attempt to kill heroes directly. Always use the most elaborate
method possible to kill the heroes, preferably one involving a bomb or other device
equipped with a digital readout that counts down the exact amount of time left until the
heroes die. Remember, the heroes always need some roundabout way of escaping, but
don't let them know -- just laugh evily about it and leave them to their demise."
Evil Cid closed up the book and put it back in his coat. "Well, I'd
love to stay and chat,
but I've got world domination to attend to. Have a nice day!" He, Evil Nina, and the
Moogles boarded the airship, which Evil Cid had converted into a spaceship.
"Back in my day, we only died when we ran out of hit points!" Cid II
shouted at him as
Evil Cid turned the igntion. "All these new-fangled traps and whatnot, it's too much for
Evil Cid's airship rose up through a hole in the ceiling of the cave,
then it turned off and
took off into space.
There was a brief silence, until Cid VII spoke. "Cid VI," he addressed
his comrade. "We're
about to be dunked into a lava pit, and you're still wearing a #%*$&% raincoat! SO JUST
#$%&$%IN' TAKE IT OFF! NOW!!!!
"There's got to be some way out of here," Nina III said.
"Better hurry," Mid said, looking up at the clock. "We've only got 4 minutes left."
"Hey, that's still 3 minutes and 59 seconds to spare," Cid III said.
By leaning forward, Shera managed to get her chain to swing in that
direction. She then
leaned back and the chain swung in the opposite direction. She continued to lean back and
forth until the chain was swinging back and forth a good distance.
2 and a half minutes...
As the chain swung towards the wall, Shera grabbed a handhold on it
and waited for the
chain to stop shaking. She then started to climb up the wall.
When Shera reached the top of the wall, she grabbed a handhold on the
pulley and reached
over to the LED panel, which now read 1:45. "I can just reach the controls," she reported.
"Good," Cid VII said. "Now #$%*in' get us down from here."
1 and a half minutes...
Shera examined the pulley controls. There were two wires hanging from
the LED panel,
one red and one blue. "There's two wires," she reported. "Looks like I'm going to have cut
one of them... which one?"
Shera fumbled in her lab coat for a pair of pliers. "Red or blue? Which
should I pick?" she
"Does anybody ever pick the wrong one?" Cid IV asked rhetorically.
Shera tried to trace the wires through the device, but they disappeared
inside the LED
panel. Their function was unknown.
"I'll try the blue one," Shera said nervously.
Shera cut the blue wire with the pliers. There was a clinking sound
and the chain holding
Wedge opened up. With a despairing cry, Wedge plummeted into the lava.
"I guess there's a first time for everything," Cid IV said with a shrug.
Shera cut the red wire. A slight rumble emitted from the LED panel,
and then the
countdown stopped at 0:01. "It's stopped," Shera announced.
"Great," Nina II said. "Now how are we going to get down from here?"
"I think there's a switch up here that will open the chains," Shera
said, examining the
"Don't press it!" Cid III shouted. "We'll all just fall into the lava."
"I wasn't going to," Shera said.
"Hold on," Nina I said. She shifted in her chain and began to shimmer.
Her form shifted
into that of a bird. "All right, let me go, she said."
Shera studied the switches carefully, then flicked the one corresponding
to Nina I's chain.
The chain opened up and dropped Nina towards the lava. Nina quickly flew back up into
the air and positioned herself under Nina II. "All right, drop me," Nina II said. Shera did.
Nina II fell onto Nina I's back, and Nina I ferried her out of the cave. She then returned
for the next trip.
* * *
When Nina I had transported the whole group outside the cave, the Cids started to look
around for any sign of Evil Cid. "He's definitely hit the road," Cid V said.
"And he's taken that #$%&$% scrambler with him," Cid VII said.
"He didn't say where he was going, did he?" Mid asked.
"Nope," Cid III said. "We'd better just take a guess."
"Let's go back to my world first," Cid VII said. "I want to pick up
* * *
Evil Cid, Evil Nina, and the moogles got off the Ropeway at the Gold
Saucer. The usual
people in Chocobo suits were gone. As they stepped towards the entrance, the receptionist
greeted them. "Welcome to the Gold Saucer."
Evil Cid turned to Kustig, the Burger King crown-wearing leader of the
Evil Moogles and
snapped his fingers. Kustig ran the receptionist through with his pike.
The group continued on into the Gold Saucer. The Station Square was
deserted. Evil Cid
put his goggles on and hopped down the chute leading to the Battle Square, and the others
Evil Cid looked around the Battle Square. Everyone was lying unconscious
on the floor.
Pikachu was flashing his red eyes on the monitors. "Put your goggles on," he said. Evil
Nina and the Moogles all put on dark goggles and proceeded into the room.
Evil Cid turned to his moogle troops. "You know the plan, Kustig," he
"Yes, sir!" Kustig said, saluting. "Kupo!" He and the other Moogles
hurried out of the
Evil Cid walked into Dio's showroom and carefully searched the room.
found what he was looking for: a big red button labeled "Please do not press this button.
Thank you." Evil Cid grinned evily and pushed it.
* * *
After the 33rd straight iteration of MMMBop, Yuffie was feeling much better. "I wonder
what's on TV," she said aloud. Yuffie walked over to the TV and flipped it on. Pikachu
popped up and flashed his eyes.
Yuffie stared at it for a while, unaffected by its evil power. "Boring,"
she said. She
changed the channel, but Pikachu was on every channel. Disgusted, she turned off the TV.
Yuffie picked up the TV Guide and looked at it. "What's going on here?"
"What happened to Chocobo Joe's Cartoon Fun Hour?"
Suddenly, a spear flew across the room, piercing the TV Guide and knocking
it out of
Yuffie's hands. Yuffie whirled as Cid VII entered the room and raised her hands
innocently. "I didn't do anything!" she said. "I don't know what happened!"
"Then what happened to them?" Cid VII asked, looking at the unconscious
"You call that a party?" Cid II snorted. "What kind of characters are
dumb-looking cat on a fat moogle? Some weird dog critter? Count Dracula? Where are
the black mages with the pointy yellow hats? Where are -" Cid III clamped his hand over
Cid II's mouth to shut him up.
"I don't know," Yuffie said to Cid VII. "Really, I don't! I was in the
engine room as usual,
and when I walked in here, everybody was just lying on the floor!"
Cid VII bent and examined the PlayStation underneath the TV. It was
on. He opened it
and looked inside. "Looks like they were playing PaRappa," he observed. "I wonder if
Barret's gotten off the first level yet."
Cid VII reached up and flipped the TV on. He suddenly found himself
staring at Pikachu.
Pikachu flashed his eyes and Cid fell to the ground.
"Cid?" Yuffie asked, looking down. "What happened?"
"Turn it off!" Cid V shouted, looking away from the TV. "TURN IT OFF!"
Yuffie switched the TV off. "What was wrong with that?" she asked, puzzled.
"I mean, it's
kind of boring, but..."
"It gives you seizures!" Cid VI exclaimed. "It's part of Evil Cid's schemes!"
"Oh," Yuffie said, shrugging. "Yeah, I heard about that. I think it
only works on
"Cid? Cid? Are you all right?" Shera asked, waving a hand over Cid VII's
many fingers am I holding up?"
Cid VII sat up. "Will somebody shoot that @#$*?$ radio?" he asked. The
radio was still
on, playing MMMBop over and over.
"But I LIKE Hanson," Yuffie protested.
Nina II grabbed the radio and pitched it out the window of the Highwind.
It fell several
miles and landed on a tiny island inhabited by a primitive tribe of Moogles, who thought it
was an offering from the gods and built a great shrine in its honor where all the Moogles
gathered to listen to MMMBop. This custom persisted until a duck flying overhead was
killed in a freak thunderstorm and also fell onto the island, starting a religious war between
the Moogles that worshipped the radio and those that worshipped the duck. This problem
was eventually solved when a clever Moogle came up with the idea of having the duck
sing MMMBop. Unfortunately, the duck soon died from lack of oxygen because the
Moogles were making it sing MMMBop non-stop 24 hours a day, and the Moogles all
took the duck's death as an omen and all committed ritualistic suicide. It would have made
a very tragic story, except nobody knew about the island in the first place.
But on with the story.
"Why doesn't somebody do something about that ##$%$ Pocket Monster?"
He grabbed the phone and pressed the speed-dialer button for Rufus's office. The phone
rang several times.
"Hello, you have reached President Shinra's office. Rufus is not able
to come to the phone
right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the Chocobo wark - click!" Cid VII
hung up the phone.
"Nobody was there," he reported. "Pikachu probably got them too."
"Is there anywhere that isn't paralyzed?" Nina I wondered. "This could be trouble."
There was silence, then Shera snapped her fingers. "Gongaga Town!" she exclaimed.
"Huh?" Yuffie asked.
"They don't use electricity," Shera explained. "They won't have any TVs."
"Oh yeah, that place," Yuffie said. "It sucks. They don't have anything worth stealing."
"Maybe they have some idea what to do about this," Cid VII said. "Yuffie,
Don't let anybody on the Highwind."
"Yeah, okay, sure," Yuffie said nonchalantly. "Whatever."
* * *
The Cids, Ninas, Mid, and Shera entered the hut of the elder of Gongaga Town. "Well,
hello," the elder said. "We don't get many visitors to this town. What can I do for you?"
"Are you aware that the rest of the world is paralyzed?" Mid asked.
The elder appeared shaken. "No, n-no, can't say that I do."
"It's the work of Evil Cid and Evil Nina," Nina III explained. "They've
overrode all the TV
broadcasts with the Pocket Monster Pikachu, whose flashing eyes give people seizures."
"Isn't there anything we can do?" Cid III asked.
"I believe I have the solution," the elder said. "I think we kept it
after the.... disaster." The
elder walked into the adjoining room and started looking for something.
Cid VII ducked as a huge plush elephant flew through the door and almost
hit him in the
head. The elephant was followed by a pogo stick, a box of ravioli, a toilet, a live seal, and
a crate of Smurf figurines. Then the elder emerged from the room, carrying a videotape.
"Here it is," he said.
"What is it?" Cid V asked.
"It's a videotape of a Mr. Cool Whip commercial," the elder explained.
"I believe if we
build our own broadcast scrambler and display this, it will counteract the evil effects of
Pikachu. The only question is how to make that scrambler."
"Hey, no problem," Cid IV said. "We're the Cids; we can build just about anything."
"Better count him out," Cid VII said, pointing at Cid VI.
"Oh, knock it off," Cid VI said.
* * *
A short hour later, the Cids stood in front of their completed broadcast scrambler.
"Allllrighty then," Cid IV said, putting the Mr. Cool Whip tape in the scrambler. "Let's see
if this works."
"We'd better take it outside first," Shera said.
The group hauled the broadcast scrambler outside. Cid IV flipped it
on. The scrambler
began to hum quietly.
Mid pointed up into the air. "What's that?" he asked.
Cid VII looked up. A large circular gold-colored vehicle was soaring
through the sky.
"What the @#$@!?" Cid exclaimed. "That looks like part of the Gold Saucer!"
"Not only that, but it's got the Sister Ray strapped to the bottom of it," Shera noted.
"How did that happen?" Cid VII wondered.
"I'll give you three clues, and they're all Evil Cid," Cid III said.
"All this talk of broadcast scramblers and flying saucers; I don't get
it," Cid II said. "What
happened to the good old days of lost keys 'n' castles, that's what I want to know."
"Oh, just shut up," Cid VII snapped.
"And I bet then we'll have one of those F-M-V clips and whatnot," Cid
II snapped. "I
won't have any of it! It's games like yours that have made this industry the way it is! Look
at me, I'm an 8-bit sprite and I could whup the lot of you before breakfast. You're just
spoiled because you have 6000 hit points. In my day, we were lucky to get into triple
digits by the end of the game."
"SHUT UP!" Cid VII roared.
"It's flying to the east," Nina II observed of the Saucer.
"I don't know what he's up to, but it can't be good," Cid VII said.
"Let's get that
#@#%$&%." The Cids, Ninas, Shera, and Mid hurried out of town and back through the
jungle to where they had parked the Big Whale.
* * *
Rufus woke up, although he hadn't ever remembered that he was asleep. Looking around,
he saw that he was sitting at his desk in his office in the Shinra Building. The TV on his
desk was on, showing a Mr. Cool Whip commercial. He must have nodded off
momentarily. Rufus checked his watch, only to see that it was earlier than he had fallen
asleep. With a start, he pressed the date button on his watch -- it was the next day!
Something very unusual was going on here. Rufus decided to utilize the
bureaucratic tradition and let somebody else deal with it. He pressed a button on his desk
to call Reeve. "Reeve, what is going on here?" he demanded. "And why do I have this
sudden craving for Cool Whip?"
"I don't know, sir," Reeve said. "I think I fell asleep or something.
The last thing I
remember was a Pocket Monster appearing on my computer monitor."
"Hmmm..." Rufus said as he hung up. "..a Pocket Monster. Something is
Rufus recalled the events of the past week: first there was that incident with the radio --
Evil Cid! Cid Highwind claimed that an Evil Cid had scrambled the radio; what if he had
scrambled the TV broadcasts? That would explain the Pocket Monster, but why had he
"Sir!" Reeve's voice cut in on the emergency annoucement system. "Part
of the Gold
Saucer is flying directly towards Midgar!"
"Part of the Gold Saucer?" Rufus repeated. "Are you sure? What's it doing flying around?"
"I don't know, but it's got some huge weapon on it!" Reeve said.
"Dio would have let me know if he was planning something," Rufus mused.
There was a brief pause as Reeve scrambled to execute the order, but
his voice soon
returned. "Uh... sir?" he said nervously. "The Sister Ray's missing!"
* * *
"What happened?" Cecil wondered, shaking his head to clear his mind. "The last thing I
remember was some huge yellow critter with red eyes."
"It must be a conspiracy!" the thin man shouted.
"Shut up," Cecil said. He got up to turn off the TV, which was now displaying
endlessly-repeating Mr. Cool Whip commercial.
"Cool Whip," Cecil said dreamily.
"Huh?" Rosa asked.
"We need.... Cool Whip," Cecil said in a distant voice. "Lots and lots of... Cool Whip."
"Cecil? Are you all right?" Rosa asked.
"Cool Whip," Cecil said. "Somebody order some Cool Whip! Buy out the
need Cool Whip!"
"He seems hypnotized," Rosa said.
"Do you want us to get the Cool Whip?" a retainer asked.
Cecil nodded. "Cool Whip," he said. "We need Cool Whip!" The retainer
hurried from the
room to obey the order.
"Snap out of it, Cecil!" Rosa said. She cast Heal on Cecil.
"Cool Whip..." Cecil said again, then stopped. He looked around. "Cool
Whip? Was I
talking about Cool Whip?"
"Don't worry about it," Rosa said.
* * *
Cid VII hopped from the Enterprise onto the deck of the Highwind, while the Big Whale
hovered overhead. He hurried down inside. Yuffie, for once, had apparently managed to
not steal anything (including, but not limited to, the airship itself). When he entered the
meeting room, he found a conscious Cloud and the rest of the group awaiting him.
"Hey, Cid," Cloud said. "You're back. How 'bout them Mariners?"
"@#$&*($%$!" Cid shouted at him. "You're doing it agian!"
"What happened?" Aerith asked. "I think we lost consciousness or something."
"Barret must've been rappin' really bad," Caet Sith said, staring at
the TV. PaRappa had
been replaced by an endlessly-repeating Mr. Cool Whip commercial.
"Oh, just shut up," Barret said.
"I guess it worked, then," Cid said approvingly.
"What worked?" Vincent asked.
"Can somebody bring another radio in here?" Yuffie asked. "I want to
listen to MMMBop
"The other Cids and I overrode Evil Cid's @#$*% Pikachu with a Mr. Cool
commercial," Cid explained.
"Pikachu?" Aerith asked. "What's Pikachu?"
"It's a @$%*&%in' Pocket Monster, or somethin'," Cid said. "Its eyes give you seizures."
"Mr. Cool Whip rules!" Caet Sith said. He began to sing the Mr. Cool
Whip song. "I'm
Mr. Cool Whip, the hippest in town... what the?" Caet Sith switched into Reeve's voice.
"Someone's stolen the Sister Ray!"
"It's Evil Cid!" Cid said urgently. "He's stolen the Gold Saucer! Speaking
of which, I need
the Highwind. I'll drop you folks off at Gongaga Town -- that's where our broadcast
scrambler is. Don't let any @#$#$ mess it up."
* * *
As Cid dropped off the rest of the group at Gongaga Town, he found a small army of
Moogles waiting for him, plus one yeti. "Kupo!" Mog exclaimed. "You must be Cid VII."
"That's me," Cid said. "What are you?"
"Uhhhhhh..." Umaro said.
"We're the good Moogles," Mog said. "We've come to stop Kustig and the
Oh, and that's Umaro the yeti. We're from Cid VI's world."
"That @#$*& in a raincoat?" Cid VII said. "Oh well, the more the
merrier. Hop on
board." The Moogles climbed onto the Highwind. When they had all boarded, Cid took
off. The Highwind rose up into the air towards the docking bay of the Big Whale, located
on the rear bottom of the spaceship. The automated double doors of the docking bay slid
open and Cid VII parked the Highwind alongside Cid VI's Enterprise, Cid III's Nautilus,
Cid VI's Magitek Armor, and Cid II's and Cid V's unnamed airships.
Cid VII and the Moogles hopped off and proceeded up to the bridge of
the Big Whale,
where the other Cids, the Ninas, Shera, and Mid were waiting.
"Uh, I brought some friends here," Cid VII said, gesturing towards the mass of Moogles.
"Kupo!" Mog exclaimed. "I'm Mog, and we're the good Moogles! We've come
Kustig and the Evil Moogles! Kupoppo!"
"The Gold Saucer's almost to Midgar," Mid reported from a radar screen.
"Don't worry, the Big Whale can catch up with it," Cid IV said, running
to the helm of the
ship. "Hang on, here we go!"
* * *
The Turks burst into Rufus's office, accompanied by Reeve. "Mr. President, sir, the Gold
Saucer's directly over the Shirna Building! We've got to evacuate NOW!" Elena said.
"Cool Whip..." Rufus said, staring hypnotized at the TV. "Must buy Cool Whip..."
"Rufus, hurry!" Reeve said. "The Gold Saucer could start shooting at
any - WHAT'S
YOUR PROBLEM, BARRET? ARE YOU TONE-DEAF OR WHAT?"
"Huh?" Rufus said.
"Never mind," Reeve said quickly. "C'mon, let's get out of here."
Reno threw open the door to the roof. "We'll take the fire escape down,"
he said. The
Turks, Reeve, and Rufus hurried out onto the roof and ran to the fire escape on the edge
of the building. "A LONG way down," Reno amended.
The five hurried down the fire escape. When they had reached the 55th
floor, Reeve was
already starting to get tired. "This is taking forever!" he said, wiping his forehead. "Why
couldn't we take the elevator?"
"Don't stop now," Rude said. "We're only on the 55th floor."
"Why'd we make this building so tall?" Reeve snapped. Not concentrating
because he was
getting tired, he accidentally spoke the same sentence as Caet Sith in Gongaga Town.
"Oh, shut up," Caet Sith said to Barret, who had broken out laughing. "It's not my fault
you took the stairs up."
"Serves you damn Shinra right!" Barret said.
As they were rounding a turn, they almost collided with Mayor Domino,
who was running
*up* the fire escape. "Pardon me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?" Domino asked.
"Get out of our way!" Rufus shouted at Mayor Domino. Rude (rather rudely)
Mayor Domino aside and they ran past him.
"You haven't seen the last of me!" Domino shouted after them as they
left. "One of these
days I'm going to get my own fanfic, and then just you watch out!"
"54th floor," Rufus noted. "Sporting goods."
"We'd better hurry," Reno said, pointing up into the evening sky. "The
Gold Saucer looks
ready to fire at any moment."
* * *
"@#$%$!" Cid VII exclaimed as he stared out the window of the Big Whale. "The Gold
Saucer's already over the Shinra Building. He could fire at any @#$#*$in' moment!"
"By the way, did we have any exact plans in mind for stopping Evil Cid?" Cid III asked.
"I'm workin' on it," Cid VII said, rubbing his head.
"I had an idea," Shera said. "You remember when Cloud and Barret were
thrown in the
Corel Prison? Dio dropped them down there through a hole in the Battle Square. That
means there's a hole on the underside of the Saucer. It might be big enough for the airships
to fit up through."
"Good thinkin'," Cid VII said. "You're in rare form today."
"That wasn't very nice," Cid IV said as he piloted the Big Whale towards
"It's nothing new," Shera said with a shrug.
"Back in my day, our party members all stuck together!" Cid II snapped.
"Not only that,
but we had room for FOUR CHARACTERS! Four characters! Not three, that's for
wussies and stupid kids! What's in FF8? One character, three different weapons, no armor,
and your HP, MP, attack, and defense all rolled into one stat? Heck, my dog could design
a better game than you, and I don't even have a dog!"
"SHUT UP!" the other Cids and Mid shouted in unison.
"You're learning well, little fellow," Cid VII said to Mid. "Just try
to swear more, and
never, ever, wear a raincoat."
"Leave him alone, Cid VII," Cid V said defensively. "You might affect
him later in life."
Cid VII chuckled in response.
Nina I looked out the window. "There's some people down there on that
noted. "Do you want me to go down there and rescue them?"
"All right, you Ninas check it out," Cid IV said. "Take the Moogles with you."
The three Ninas slid open the side door of the Big Whale and flew out.
They were joined
shortly by the Moogles, who were equipped with parachutes from the Big Whale's
"To the airships, everybody," Cid IV said as he set the Big Whale into stall.
"Mid, you stay here," Cid V said as he started down the ladder into the hangar.
"I'll guard the Big Whale," Shera volunteered.
The six Cids climbed on board their respective airships (and Cid VI
into his Magitek
Armor). The hangar doors slid open and the six vehicles shot out into the sky over
Midgar. The Gold Saucer was hovering directly over the Shinra Building, charging up the
Sister Ray. A vast horde of Moogles was descending like a pink-and-white blanket over
the city. In the middle of them flew the three Ninas.
The six lone airships circled up towards the bottom of the hovering
Gold Saucer in pursuit
of Evil Cid.
* * *
Evil Nina watched the approaching airships on a radar screen in the generator room of the
Battle Square, where the Evil duo was controlling the Saucer piece from. "Evil Cid! The
Cids have discovered the prison chute. They're on their way!"
"The false Cids, you mean," Evil Cid sneered. "I am the only real Cid!
would be... uncivilized."
"Sir, don't you think we should do something?"
"All right," Evil Cid said. "Deploy the Evil Moogles!"
* * *
"43rd floor," Reeve panted. He stopped when he realized the rest of the Shinra staff was
no longer running, and, furthermore, the sky had suddenly gone dark.
Rufus and the Turks were standing on the landing, staring up into the
sky. A vast horde of
Moogles was descending from the sky, blotting out all the sunlight.
"KUPO!" the Moogles thundered.
A huge red-and-white bird and two winged girls broke through the mass
of Moogles and
swooped down towards the fire escape. Reno instictively readied his nightstick, but Nina
III raised a hand. "Don't worry, we're friends," she said. "We're the Ninas. We're fighting
with the Cids against Evil Cid and Evil Nina."
While the Ninas were talking, the Moogles had assumed positions around
the city to
defend against any possible ground attack by Evil Cid. Their preparations were rewarded
when a second tide of Moogles -- this time the violet-furred, black-winged Evil Moogles
-- descended over the city.
"This building is going to blow any minute now," Nina II said. She looked
towards Nina I,
who was in her bird form. "Hop on."
Rufus, Reeve, and the Turks climbed on the back of bird-Nina I. She
flew away from the
building with the other Ninas flying alongside her. The descending Evil Moogles opened
fire on them with crossbows, uzis, and (in the case of one very confused moogle) a glue
"They're firing at us!" Elena shouted.
"What tipped you off?" Reeve said in reply.
Nina II cast a Hail spell on some of the Evil Moogles, freezing them
in the air and
obstructing the shots of some of the other Moogles. Mog and the good Moogles started
dancing, sending rains of stones, blasts of plasma, and the ubiquitous Elf Fire at the Evil
Moogles. The Evil Moogles returned fire, while a few kept shooting at the Ninas.
"I have glue in my hair," Rufus complained, trying to rub the offending
substance out of
"This is some sort of new occurence?" Reno asked.
"SHUT UP!" Rufus shouted suddenly. "I don't want to hear any more about my hair!"
"Look out!" Nina III shouted. Three Evil Moogles were parachuting dangerously
the group. One of the Evil Moogles fired his crossbow at Nina I. The bolt struck Nina I in
what would be her shoulder in human form and she tumbled towards the ground. Rufus,
Reeve, and the Turks were thrown off her back.
"Nina I!" Nina II exclaimed, diving after the falling bird. Nina III
followed close behind
The Turks, Rufus, and Reeve bounced off the awning of Big Tiny's Tire
Barbecue and fell in a heap on the ground. Nina I crashed through the awning next to the
ground, ripping a hole in it. When she hit the ground, she reverted back to her human
The other two Ninas landed next to the group. Rufus picked himself up
around. They had landed several blocks away from the Shinra Building, on the fringe of
Wordlessly, Rude pointed up into the sky. Rufus looked up. A large blue
forming from the barrel of the Sister Ray, which was pointing directly down from the Gold
Saucer to the Shinra Building. Then, in a brilliant flash of light that temporarily blinded
Rufus, the Sister Ray fired. When Rufus regained his vision, the Shinra Building was in the
process of exploding outwards. The interior of the building was incinerated in the
explosion, and the walls caved outwards, broke, and fell to the ground in fragments. In a
few seconds, not a piece of the building was standing.
* * *
Cid VII let out a string of curses several minutes long as he stared at the rubble of the
"There goes the neighborhood," Cid III said wryly.
"That could have been Rocket Town..." Cid VII muttered as he concluded his outburst.
"It's going to take time to recharge," Cid IV said. "Now's our chance."
"All right, we're going in!" Cid VII said.
"Roger, Cid Leader," Cid V said. The Cids assembled their airships in
formation -- the
Highwind in the lead, the Enterprise and Nautilus behind that, and Cid II's and Cid V's
airships in the rear. In the middle of the formation hovered Cid VI's Magitek Armor.
The formation of airships swooped through the hole in the bottom of
the Gold Saucer and
into the prison chute.
* * *
"This is longer than I thought," Cid VII said as the airships shot up the narrow prison
"Bogey at six o' clock!" Cid V shouted, looking at the radar screen on his airship.
"That's no problem," Cid II said. "It's only 5:15."
"No, you idiot, that's not -" Cid V was interrupted as three stolen
piloted by Evil Moogles flew into the chute.
"We'll get them," Cid V volunteered. "Move into attack position, Cid 2."
"Roger, Cid 5," Cid II said. "Moving into attack position." Cid V and
Cid II dropped their
airships back towards the three helicopters. The Evil Moogles fired the helicopters'
machine guns at the airships, but the airships had sturdy armor and were barely damaged.
Cid V fired two missiles back at the helicopters. Two of the helicopters
were hit, spiraled
down into the bottom of the chute, and exploded. The third zipped between them and
started firing at Cid VI's Magitek Armor.
"Help! Help!" Cid VI shouted over the radio on his Magitek Armor. He
Armor back and forth wildly, trying to evade the helicopter. Meanwhile, three more
helicopters flew up from behind.
"Stay on target! Stay on target!" Cid VII shouted.
Cid III shot down one of the approaching helicopters from his Nautilus.
Cid VI, pounding
his controls frantically, managed to fire a Bio Blast at one of the helicopters.
"What the #$%*&$% are you doing, Cid 6?" Cid VII shouted over the
radio. "You can't
use a @#$#$*&in' Bio Blast on a helicopter."
"Sorry, my bad," Cid VI apologized. He pressed another button, using
X-Fer on the
nearby helicopter. A blue column of light surrounded it and it vanished.
The remaining two helicopters moved behind the lead airships and started
to lock on
missiles. "Quick!" Cid VII shouted. "Run Formation B!"
"What's Formation B?" Cid III asked. A missile arced towards his Nautilus.
Cid III turned
the airship and fired a missile at the incoming missile. The two missile met in the air and
exploded. While the helicopter tried to fire again, Cid III shot it down with his machine
Cid IV's Enterprise moved alongside the remaining helicopter. Cid IV
reached through the
window of the helicopter and smashed the instrument panel with his hammer. The
helicopter's airbag deployed, crushing and killing the Evil Moogle pilot. The helicopter
dropped to the bottom of the chute and exploded.
The airships (and Magitek Armor) stopped at the end of the chute. There
was a small
round hole leading up into the Battle Square. "End of the line," Cid VII said. He tossed a
grappling hook up through the hole. It caught on something above, and he shimmied up
the rope. The other Cids followed him.
* * *
"There goes the Shinra building... again," Rufus said bitterly. "That's, what, the third time
this year? First the Diamond Weapon, then that Chocobo incident in the Guardian Amulet
adventure, and now this."
"Excuse us," a voice squeaked. Rufus turned. Two Evil Moogles pushed
carrying a ping-pong table. The Moogles set it up in the rubble of the Shinra Building.
More Evil Moogles were approaching from all corners of the city with ping-pong tables.
Other ones were putting up some hastily-constructed wooden fences around the rubble.
"What are they doing?" Elena wondered.
"I don't know, but whatever it is, let's make them stop," Reno said.
One of the Evil Moogles looked up. "We needed the space for our 3rd
invitational tournament," it explained. "Sorry about your building."
"Why you..." Rufus said, at a loss for words. He turned to the Turks.
"Get those Moogles
off my property!"
"Excuse me," a big (for a moogle) Evil Moogle said, walking up to the
group. "If you
don't have tickets for the tournament, you'll need to leave."
"Should we shoot him, Mr. President?" Reno asked.
"Hold on," Nina II whispered. "There's too many of those Evil Moogles
to fight. I've got a
better plan. The Evil Moogles have a leader -- Kustig. Let's buy the tickets and see if we
can find him at the tournament. If we take him out, the rest of the Evil Moogles will
"We'll take the tickets," Rufus said to the Evil Moogle.
"If you want the tickets, you'll need to speak with the ticket agent,"
the Evil Moogle said,
pointing to another Evil Moogle standing in a booth in front of the "stadium".
"How much are the tickets?" Reeve asked the ticket agent.
"500 gil a piece," the ticket agent said smugly.
"500 gil for a ping-pong tournament?" Reeve demanded, outraged.
"Look, you're the one who wants to get into the tournament. Nobody's making you."
"Oh, all right." Reeve reached into his pocket, took out his wallet,
and handed the Evil
Moogle 4000 gil for the Shinra group and the three Ninas.
The Evil Moogle took the money, reached for a roll of green tickets,
and tore off six.
"Here's your tickets," he said. "The main gate's to your left."
Reeve and the others walked a short distance around the exterior of
the court to the main
gate. Reeve presented their tickets, and the ticket taker (another Evil Moogle) took them
and examined them. "Sorry," he said, handing them back. "These tickets don't have serial
numbers. I can't take them."
Reeve stomped back over to the ticket booth. "These tickets you gave
us are defective!"
he shouted. "They're missing serial numbers!"
"Oh, really?" the ticket agent sneered. "If you'd like to return a defective
will be a 200 gil processing fee per ticket."
"200 gil?" Reeve shouted.
"As I said, those are your tickets, not mine," the agent said. "If you
want to get into the
tournament, you'll need some tickets."
Silently, Reeve handed the ticket agent 1600 more gil. The agent took
them and the
"defective" tickets. He carefully examined them. "You're right," he noted. "These tickets
ARE missing serial numbers. Very curious. I wonder how that happened?"
"Give me some new tickets!" Reeve shouted. Behind him, the Turks drew their weapons.
"Tell you what," the moogle said with an evil grin. "Since I'm such
a nice guy, I'll give you
some new serial numbers for the low, low, price of 350 gil each."
Reeve no longer bothered to argue. He just handed over the money. Chuckling
breath, the Evil Moogle took out a rubber stamp and stamped serial numbers on the
group's foreheads. "There's your serial numbers," he said. "Now get lost and don't come
"What kind of serial number is this?" Rude shouted.
"Don't worry, Rude, you've got plenty of room for it," Reno said.
"Hey," Reeve said, after finishing some quick calculations. "I could
have bought new
tickets for less than it cost to get the serial numbers for these."
"Heh, heh, heh," chuckled the Evil Moogle. "Say, that's a nice watch
you're wearing. How
much will you sell it for?"
"Make me an offer," Reeve said defensively. He did not trust the Evil Moogle.
"How about 8000 gil?" the Evil Moogle suggested.
"Sure," Reeve said. He could buy a new watch for less than that.
"Well, I don't have 8000 gil," the Evil Moogle said. He took 5000 gil
out of the ticket
office drawer. "But if you give me the amount of money I have here, I'll buy it."
"Sounds fair," Reeve said. He handed 5000 more gil to the Evil Moogle.
The Evil Moogle
then handed 8000 gil over to him. Reeve took his watch off and gave it to the Evil
"Heh, thanks," the Evil Moogle said. "And thanks for the free money."
The Evil Moogle
waddled out the back door of the booth and into the tournament.
"Hey -!" Reeve shouted. "Come back here!"
"Oh, well, we've got our tickets," Nina III said. "And our, uh, serial
numbers. Let's see if
we can find Kustig."
* * *
The Cids climbed up through the end of the prison chute and into the Battle Arena. "Here
we are," Cid V said.
"You call this a final dungeon?" Cid II snorted. "I've seen more impressive-looking
GameBoy games! Where are the insanely powerful monsters? Where are the really great
weapons guarded by even more powerful monsters? This is almost as bad as your stupid
crater! Back in my day, it took days to beat a final dungeon!"
The Cids cautiously advanced through the Battle Arena to the Battle
Square. "Where is
he?" Cid IV wondered.
"Let's try Dio's showroom," Cid VII said, walking up the stairs to the
the room looked normal... except that a grate in the corner of the room was open. Cid VII
bent down and peered inside. It was dark inside. He took out his lighter, held it down into
the hole as far as he could, and flicked it on. From its dim light he could see a ladder.
"There's a ladder down there," Cid VII said. "Let's check it out."
The six Cids slowly descended the ladder in the dark for about twelve
feet until they
reached a metal floor. Cid VII stepped off the ladder and turned on his lighter again. They
were apparently in the furnace room. The metal floor continued some distance, so they set
off. A bright light directly in front of them in the distance grew gradually larger as they
When the Cids reached a light, they found it to be a door. Cid III peered
the door was a narrow tiled metal bridge suspended over a vast chamber of machinery. On
the end of the bridge was a heavy steel door.
"Do we get a save point?" Cid VI asked nervously.
The Cids started across the bridge, ready for any appearance of Evil
Cid's forces or the
renegade Cid himself. They were three-fourths of the way across the bridge when one of
the tiles opened up and an orange-and-gray robot rose up on a pressurized platform.
The robot had large feet and jointed legs. On top of the legs was hinged
an oblong body
with no type of arms. Several tubes ran from tubes on top of the body to valves on the
front. Above the valves was a black panel with a single eye.
It was WarMech.
"All right!" Cid II exclaimed exuberantely. "Now we're talking! A traditional
sure took a while! I remember seein' these when I was a kid! Of course, I could beat them
up by the time I was three. That's 'cuz we didn't have any of these new-fangled
snowboards and motorcycles, if we wanted entertainment, we had to go out and fight
monsters! Why, I remember when -"
Cid II was rudely interrupted when WarMech's front opened up to reveal
a row of
cannons. The cannons fired a quick burst of blue electric beams that encased the Cids in
spherical blue force fields.
The door at the far end of the bridge opened and Evil Cid stepped through.
you're feeling a little shocked," he sneered. He patted the back of WarMech. "This was
another one of my inventions. And what did they do with it? They took it and stuck it on
an obscure bridge in some castle! Now at last it serves its true purpose! Prepare to die,
Suddenly, a bazooka shell arced across the bridge and hit WarMech. The
and Evil Cid quickly dived backwards. The force fields disappeared.
Cid VII turned to see where the shell had come from. A shadowy figure
armed with a
bazooka had entered the room from the door they had come from. "Looks like I showed
up just in time," he said. He crossed the bridge to the Cids. "Hi," he introduced himself,
shaking Cid VII's hand. "I'm Cid VIII. I'm new."
"Hey," Cid VII said.
"Thanks for saving us there," Cid IV said.
"No problem," Cid VIII said. He looked around. "I'd love to stay and
chat, but I've got a
lot of work to get done for the new game. Knock Evil Cid around for me, okay?"
Cid VIII turned back down the bridge to leave. "See you guys in '99.
Be there and be
"Don't forget to add some challenge!" Cid II shouted after him as left the chamber.
"I don't think he heard you," Cid V said.
"No," Cid II said darkly. "I think it's a lost cause."
The Cids turned back towards Evil Cid, but he had vanished while the
Cids were talking to
Cid VIII. "He must be in that room," Cid III said. "Let's get him!"
* * *
"This is getting really boring," Rude complained. "And there's no sign of that Kustig
"Kupo nuts!" an Evil Moogle vendor shouted, passing through the stands
of the makeshift
stadium. "Fresh kupo nuts!" He stopped in front of the Ninas. "Want some kupo nuts?"
"No thanks," Nina I said.
"Here, have a trial package," he said, handing Nina I a small purple
package of kupo nuts,
about the size of an airplane peanuts package.
"Given the general shoddiness of the rest of this operation, I'm not
sure if it would be a
wise idea to eat those," Reeve said.
"No," Nina I said. "Especially not when they're ticking. Who has a good arm?"
Rude raised his hand. Nina I handed him the kupo nuts. When the vendor
turned to hand a
hot dog to another Evil Moogle, Rude tossed the kupo nuts into the vendor's tray of food.
"This could get ugly," Rufus said, reaching for his shotgun, which he
had tucked under his
The package of kupo nuts detonated in a small explosion that consumed
the food tray.
The vendor's fur caught on fire, and he quickly batted it out. He looked back and forth,
then his eyes fell on the Ninas. He reached under his wings, procured a Burger King
crown, and jammed it on his head. "Get them!" he shouted, pointing at the Ninas.
"That vendor was Kustig!" Nina II exclaimed, jumping to her feet. The
Evil Moogles in
the crowd had all drawn weapons and were advancing on the party from all directions.
"We seem to be outnumbered," Elena observed.
As the Evil Moogles closed in, there was a commotion from the back of
the stadium. A
tide of good Moogles had smashed through the walls of the stadium and were fighting
their way through the Evil Moogle ranks.
"Over here!" Nina III shouted, standing up on her chair.
The group fended off the Evil Moogle attacks while the Moogles fought
their way to
them. "Quick!" one of the Moogles said. "Follow me, kupo!" The Ninas, Turks, Reeve,
and Rufus followed the Moogle through the battlefield and outside the stadium.
"Kustig's gotten away," the Moogle said. "We've got to get him." He
gestured towards a
cobalt blue van parked on the street. "Hop in, kupo."
The party piled into the van, where another Moogle was already waiting
in the driver's
seat. As soon as the group was in the van, the driver Moogle slammed the gas and the van
took off down the street.
"Hold on!" Reeve said. "I need to buckle up! Buckling up saves live, you know."
"Shut up, Reeve," Rufus said.
"I'm Kuvicks," the Moogle that had saved them introduced himself as
they drove. "This is
my buddy Kuwedge."
Kuwedge upshifted and turned a corner. A white Ford Bronco was driving
street ahead of them. "There!" Kuvicks shouted. "There's Kustig!"
"Are you sure?" Reno said. "That, uh, could be somebody else."
Kustig's head appeared in his window as he looked back towards the van
His head disappeared back inside, but then the Evil Moogle riding in the passenger seat
pointed an uzi out the window and started shooting at Kuwedge's van. Kuwedge upshifted
again in an effort to catch up with Kustig.
Rufus pointed his shotgun out the window and took a few shots at the
Evil Moogle's head.
The Evil Moogle ducked back inside the vehicle.
"Speed up!" Elena shouted to Kuwedge. The Moogle upshifted his van.
As the vehicles neared an intersection, Kustig's Ford Bronco turned
a corner. Kuwedge
quickly upshifted and made a sharp turn to pursue. The van's tires squealed as it followed
Kustig down a different street towards a street market.
Kustig's Ford Bronco swerved through the stalls of the crowded street
did his best to pursue and upshifted again, even though the van was already in its highest
"Look out!" Kuvicks shouted. "Fruit cart!"
The van crashed into a fruit cart, knocking the cart over and spilling
apples all over the
street. An angry vendor raced into the street and shook his fist at the van as it disappeared
down the street.
"We're gaining on him!" Reno said, watching Kustig's Bronco carefully.
Kuwedge upshifted yet again as the vehicles near another intersection.
through, but as Kuwedge reached the intersection, cars suddenly pulled up, blocking the
By the time the cars had gone, Kustig's vehicle had vanished. "Now we've
lost him," Nina
"We know he went down that street," Kuvicks said. "Keep going; we might
be able to
catch up with him!"
"Just how many gears does this van have?" Reeve wondered as they drove
"Uh... guys," Rufus said. "This street leads to Sector 7. Led, that is."
Kuwedge turned a corner. The road ended abruptly at the hole in the
Plate where Sector 7
used to be. "Uh-oh," he said.
"We're going to have to jump it!" Kuvicks said.
Kuwedge upshifted and drove the van directly towards the end of the
street. They hit a
bump near the edge and flew into the air. "You know, this is completely impossible in real
life," Nina II said as the van sailed over the gap.
The van landed on the other side of the street in Sector 6 and immediately
took off down
the street. "There!" Elena said, pointing at a building. "An old abandoned warehouse!
Kustig's got to be in there!"
Kuwedge drove the van at the brick wall of the warehouse. The van smashed
wall, sending out a cloud of dust, and rolled into the warehouse. Kuvicks and Kuwedge
jumped out of the van, armed with their pikes, and were promptly gunned down.
"Holy @#$!#!" Rufus said. "Where did that come from?"
The others cautiously climbed out of the van. Reeve looked down at the
bloody corpses of
Kuvicks and Kuwedge. "You know, I'm beginning to think there's only about 25 different
people in the world, and everybody else is just a clone."
"A very interesting theory," Kustig sneered from behind them. He put
down his sniper rifle
and stepped forward. "Perhaps you can explain it to me sometime."
"Stop right there, Kustig!" The doors of the warehouse flew open and
Mog and Umaro
"Uhhhhhhhhh..." said Umaro.
"Mog!" Kustig shouted.
"And I'm the REAL Mog!" Mog said, pointing his pike at Kustig. "I know
what you're up
to, Kustig. You're the one who's behind that heinous plot to make all Moogles called
'Mogs'. You can't fool me!"
"Oh yeah?" Kustig said. "It's morphin' time!" Kustig clenched his fist.
His body started to
Nothing happened. "Okay... maybe it's not," Kustig apologized.
"Yo mama's so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!" Mog shouted at him.
"Yo mama's so fat she had to be baptized at Sea World!"
"Yeah, well, yo mama's so fat I took a detour around her and ran out of gas!"
"Yo mama's so old her Social Security number is 1!"
"Yo mama's so stupid, if she threw a rock at the ground, she'd miss!" Mog said.
Kustig paused to think. "Hmmm... let me see here," he said, trying to
think of another
Before he had a chance, Mog threw his pike at him and ran him through.
Kustig hit the
ground with a thud. Mog then looked up to the rafters. "You up there!" he shouted (as
best he could with his squeaky voice). "I know you're up there! Hear me, Evil Moogles!
Kustig is vanquished! You can join the good Moogles or die! And henceforth we shall be
known again as Moogles, not Mogs!"
* * *
Evil Cid and Evil Nina stood watching the Battle of Midgar in the control room of the
Battle Square. "Kustig's dead!" Evil Nina exclaimed.
"Yeah... and you're next!" a voice said from behind.
Evil Cid turned nonchalantly in his swivel chair. Cid VII was pointing
his spear at him, and
the other Cids were gathered behind Cid VII. Evil Cid causually got up from his chair and
picked up his own spear from the floor.
"If you turn into some angel-looking sort of boss, I'm going to be very
you," Cid II snapped.
Cid VII and Evil Cid stood with their spears pointed at each other.
Nobody moved. Then
Evil Cid put his spear down. "We'll do this the civilized way," he said. He opened a drawer
to his left and took out two rectangular boxes. "Backgammon or Pictionary?"
There was silence from the Cids.
"Pictionary," Cid III volunteered.
"All right, then," Evil Cid said, putting down the Backgammon box and
opening up the
Pictionary one. He pulled up some chairs. "Have a seat."
"What kind of a final boss is this?" Cid II was saying. "You kids wouldn't
know a final
boss if it upped and bit your rear! Back in my day, we spent weeks levelling up before we
could beat the final boss! Kids in my day wept with joy when they won! You
whippersnappers wouldn't have had a snowball's chance in hell against Chaos!"
The Cids sat down in a row. Evil Cid and Evil Nina sat across from them.
sudden death. You go first," Evil Cid said.
"Aren't we a little outnumbered?" Evil Nina asked. Evil Cid laughed
Cid IV took a card and looked at it. It read "carbon monoxide." Cid
IV stared at the card
for a while. "I can't draw this!" he protested.
Evil Cid laughed again.
Cid IV shrugged, took a pen, and drew a stick figure lying down. "A
guy lying down!" Cid
Cid IV added X's to the stick figure's head. "A dead guy!" Cid V shouted.
Cid IV then added some wavy lines above the stick figure. "A dead guy
VI guessed. "I've got it! A drowned guy! Drowning!"
Cid IV drew an arrow pointing at the guy's mouth. "Drowning!" Cid VI
said again. Cid IV
waved his hands in despair and added clouds around the stick figure.
"A drowned guy flying!" Cid VII shouted. "I don't know! What the @##$%*&$% is it?"
"Time's up!" Evil Cid said. "My turn! Nina, you draw."
Evil Nina took a card and looked at it. She then drew a large letter J.
"The letter J!" Evil Cid guessed.
"Right!" Evil Nina said.
"Hey, this isn't fair!" Cid IV protested.
"Too bad!" Evil Cid said. "Looks like I win! Now get out of my saucer!"
The Cids did not budge.
"I said get out of here!" Evil Cid shouted. "Or am I going to have to
play hardball? Nina,
deal with them!"
Evil Nina cast a spell and threw a huge fireball at Cid VII. Cid VII
quickly cast Reflect and
the spell bounced off and exploded harmlessly on the wall.
"Oooh, scary," Evil Nina said sarcastically. "Let's see how you do against
some acid rain!"
Evil Nina waved her hand and black raindrops start to pour down.
The raindrops splattered over the floor, burning sizzling holes into
whatever they touched.
The Cids all fled the room in terror.
All except for Cid VI.
Cid VI stood calmly as the raindrops bounced off his raincoat. He reached
into the pocket
of the coat, procured the remote control for the Cids' broadcast scrambler, and pressed a
button to switch it off.
Evil Cid grabbed his spear from the floor. "You and your stupid raincoat!"
Evil Cid charged towards Cid VI. Cid VI jumped out of the way, rolled across the floor,
and grabbed the remote for Evil Cid's big-screen TV.
"What are you doing?" Evil Cid asked, baffled. Cid VI looked away from
the TV, pointed
the remote at, and pressed the Power button. Then he dashed out of the room.
Evil Cid scratched his head. "Now what was that all about?" He turned
to look at the
big-screen TV. He did not say anymore. A giant Pikachu flashed its eyes. Evil Cid had a
massive seizure and fell to the ground, dead.
* * *
"Well, I'll be," Cid VII said as the Cids were leaving the furnace room. "That
@#$$%*&in' raincoat actually came in useful for once."
The Cids started up the ladder. "Wait!" somebody said behind them. Cid
VII looked back.
Mina was running across the room.
"I'm Mina," Mina explained. "Nina II's sister. I was turned into Evil
Nina by Evil Cid --
when I had a seizure from that Pikachu thing. But when it showed up again, I had another
seizure, and now I'm back to normal."
"All right," Cid IV said. "Come with us."
"Just what are we going to do with the @$%*$%in' Battle Square, anyway?"
wondered as they climbed up into Dio's showroom.
"Let's try this," Cid V said, pressing a red button labelled "Please
press this button. Thank
Instantly, the Battle Square saucer took off at high speeds towards
the rest of the Gold
Saucer to return to its normal place.
"What kind of an ending is this, anyway?" Cid II complained as they
flew. "Just because
it's in Full Motion Vid-e-o doesn't make it a good ending! You kids are bunch of lazy
slackers! At least we included all the characters in our endings! Not that we had any secret
character mumbo-jumbo in our games. We were lucky just to have a full party and some
moldly Cure Potions! Why, back when I was a young 'un..."
* * *
"Check," Red XIII said, moving his rook.
"Knight captures rook," Hanpan responded. With some difficulty, the
wind rat picked up
his rook and moved it across the board.
"That scrambler thingy seems to have stopped," Barret observed. "I wonder if it's broken."
"Hey, guys," Yuffie said, wandering into Gongaga Town. "I finally found
a radio." She
turned on the radio and actual music started playing. "Hey, what's this?" she said. "What
happened to MMMBop?"
Nobody was paying any attention to her. They were all looking up in the sky.
The Big Whale and all the Cid's airships touched down in Gongaga Town.
The doors of
the Whale slid open. The six Cids, Mid, Shera, the Ninas, Mina, Rufus, Reeve, the Turks,
Mog, Umaro, and a vast horde of Moogles stepped out.
"Evil Cid has been defeated!" Cid IV announced. "The universe has its
radio and TVs
back! And the Moogles are Moogles once again!"
The Moogles all cheered.
"Thank you, thank you," Cid VII said, bowing. "First of all, we'd like
to thank all the little
people, who didn't help us in the slightest!"
"Humans," Red XIII said in disgust, turning back into his chess game.
At last he had found
a worthy opponent. "They solve one minor problem and they think they're the greatest
thing since mutiple-celled lifeforms. Your move, by the way."
* * *
Palmer woke up in Baron Castle and rubbed his head. "Where am I?" he wondered. "What
happened to the rocket?"
Dizzily, he got out of bed and stumbled out of the room. He made his
way down the stairs
and threw open the first door he came to. It appeared be to a storeroom of some kind. At
least, it was being used that way.
The room was packed full of thousands of cans of Cool Whip.
Palmer's eyes lit up. "It's Cool Whip time, baby!" he exclaimed.