by Fritz Fraundorf
"142.... 143.... 144...." Cait Sith counted aloud as he idly played
with a ball-and-paddle
set. "145... 146..." Cait
Sith's counting ceased when he missed the next hit. "Damn. I was going for a new record
Cait Sith hopped off his bed and looked around his cave in the Esper
world, searching for
something to do. It
was always the same old routine every day. Espers were boring. As much as he hated to
admit it, Cait Sith really
preferred the human world. His crowning achievement was the time when, sent to spy on
the humans, he
assaulted Reeve's Cait Sith robot, demolished it, and then took its place, pretending to be
under Reeve's control
while really observing the humans' battle with Sephiroth. Nobody even noticed how
quickly "Cait Sith no. 2" -- the
real Esper Cait Sith -- had showed up at the Temple of the Ancients. That showed you
how smart humans were.
But Cait Sith liked humans. Espers never did anything exciting, and,
worst of all, they
were hard to annoy. Cait
Sith liked annoying people, especially Rufus. Rufus had a short fuse.
Cait Sith set his ball-and-paddle set down on the floor and strolled
outside the cave. The
Esper world was the
same as always -- bleary green grass, dull gray cliffs, and little excitement. C.S. strolled
through the rocky village
towards the gate to the human worlds. Leaving the Esper world was, of course, strictly
forbidden, but Cait made
special (and entirely illegal) exceptions all the time. Bahamut never noticed.
As he turned a bend in the road, he passed Ramuh. "Hiya, gramps," Cait
Sith greeted him.
"Uh... how 'bout them
"You should practicing your magic," Ramuh said gruffly. "You never know
might get summoned. You
kids are just spoiled. You take all this 3-D polygon nonsense for granted. Well, back I was
a young 'un, I was a 16
x 16 2-D sprite, and I liked it! We were grateful for what we had back in those days. I
would have wept with joy if I
had more than 16 colors, let alone any of this lens flare and anti-aliasing rubbish!" Ramuh
rambled on, unaware
that Cait Sith had already walked halfway across the block.
"Hey! Come back here! Are you listening to me? Sheesh, kids these days.
You give them a
few camera angles
and they think own the world."
Cait Sith ignored Ramuh's rants as he walked up to the barred steel
double doors that
sealed the pathway into
the realm of the humans. He glanced furtively around first to make sure nobody was
looking. Seeing the site
deserted, he pried the doors apart. A rush of magical energy flew out and sucked Cait Sith
* * *
Rufus pushed the Up button on the Shinra Building elevator. He waited,
this early in the morning,
for the elevator to come. It eventually dinged and the doors opened. Rufus walked in and
pressed the button for
the 69th floor.
Just as the doors were about to close, a short cloaked figure came racing
up and threw
itself violently onto the
elevator floor, clutching its chest. "They got me!" it gasped in a high-pitched voice.
"They... got... me...!"
"Not again," Rufus said, recognizing who it was. "Won't you ever leave me alone?"
Cait Sith took off his cloak, stood up, and giggled. "No."
There was silence. Rufus watched the floor numbers tick by and prayed
that Cait Sith
would go away.
"Hey, you want to play Go Fish?" Cait Sith asked, producing a deck of
cards from his
"No." Rufus folded his arms and stared at the floor counter, his back to Cait.
"Well, what are we gonna do?"
"Can't you sit still for five minutes?" Rufus asked sourly.
"Of course not," Cait Sith chuckled.
The elevator dinged as it reached the 69th floor. Rufus sprinted out
of the elevator and
headed for the stairs that
led up to his office. Cait Sith hopped after him, singing The Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Rufus paused at the foot of stairs and looked back at Cait. "Will you knock it off?"
"Having a bad hair day, huh?" Cait said. "Oh, wait. For you every day is bad hair day."
"All right, that's it. Nobody makes fun of my hair." Rufus snapped his fingers. "Security!"
Reno and Rude ran into the room. "Cait Sith again?" Reno said, spotting the cat.
"Hey, leave me alone, it's Take Your Esper to Work Day," Cait Sith protested,
on his hips.
Rude grabbed the struggling cat and threw him over his shoulder. He
and Reno then
turned and walked out of
the room, Cait Sith humming funeral music.
Rufus sighed, shook his head, and tromped up the steps to his office.
He crossed the
stone-floored room to his
wide, U-shaped desk. Behind the desk, a wide window looked out on the city of Midgar.
Rufus sat down in his
desk chair and examined the paperwork on his desk.
First was an angry letter from the Wutai Justice Department. Rufus tossed
it directly in the
garbage can. Next
was Mayor Domino's daily death threat, demanding that he be recognized as the true hero
of FF7 or Rufus
would meet a painful demise. Domino had been sending these letters daily for over a year,
and nothing had ever
come as result of Rufus's inaction. He tossed that one too.
"Dooo beee dooo beee dooooo..." a voice sang softly. It was coming from
The Shinra president
turned and looked behind his chair. Cait Sith was crouched down behind it, a smirk on his
"How did you get back up here?" Rufus demanded.
"I'm special," C.S. replied, still under the chair.
Rufus made a grab for Cait's tail. The cat Esper bolted out from his
hiding place, ran
across the room to the
stairs, and hopped onto the bannister. Rufus jogged half-heartedly after him.
Cait Sith jumped in the elevator and pushed a random button. The elevator
descend to the 32nd floor.
While waiting, Cait ran around in circles as fast as he could. By the time the elevator
doors opened, he was
extremely dizzy. He took one step in what he thought was the direction of the door and
fell down. "Whee," he
Cait Sith got to his feet and stumbled dizzily down the hall. On the
sides of the wall were
what looking like
recording studios. This must be the Shinra Records floor, Cait thought. Never one to pass
up the opportunity to
harass someone, he poked open the door to one of the studios and peered inside.
There were two guys inside. One was banging some pots and pans together,
and the other
was playing a rusted
trumpet. "What are you doing?" Cait shouted over the racket.
The pot-and-pan guy looked up. "We're making the FF Tactics soundtrack."
"That's your soundtrack?" Cait pointed at the pots and pans. "That's
pathetic! I could do a
better soundtrack than
- hey! That's it! I'm going to start a band! Thanks, guys." Cait Sith ran excitedly out of the
"Uh... you're welcome," the trumpet player said. "Yeah."
* * *
Cait Sith bounded through the back door of Cloud's villa in Costa Del
Sol. Cloud and Cid
were standing around
the pool table, playing pool. Cloud was bending over the pool table, lining up a shot. Cid
lounged against the
wall, puffing on a cigarette. Cait Sith sidled up to Cid. "Hey, Cid. I'm starting a band.
Want to be in it?"
"A band? Why the @*&$%*$&% would I want to be in a band? #&$%$,
man, you've got
to be crazy."
"Sorry I asked," Cait Sith retorted. He strode by Cid and stormed up
the steps. On the
way upstairs, he bumped
into Yuffie. "Hey, Yuffie, want to be in - er, never mind. We'd probably get banned if we
had you in our band. Hey,
banned, band; that was pretty cool. Get it? Banned - band?"
"Aww, you're so mean," Yuffie pouted, ignoring Cait's feeble attempts
"Besides, I already have my own
band." Yuffie pushed Cait Sith aside and ran off down the stairs.
Cait Sith walked upstairs. Vincent was standing in a corner, doing absolutely
"Hey, Vincent, want to be
in my band?"
There was a pause. "....band?" Vincent said.
Cait Sith waved his hand. "Forget it." He hopped into the next room,
where he found Red
XIII and Hanpan the
wind rat seated at a table. They were attempting to play Balderdash, but neither of them
could find any words the
other didn't know.
"Stenopaic?" Red XIII asked hopefully.
"Having a small slit or opening," Hanpan said quickly.
Hearing Cait Sith's footsteps, the pair stopped and looked up at him
guys, I'm starting a
band," C.S. said. "You wanna be in it?"
"You?" Hanpan stared up at Cait Sith. "You're starting a band?"
"Are you insulting me?" Cait Sith demanded. "I'm pretty good at Bust
a Move, you
"Oh, well, that's different then," Hanpan said sarcastically. "Good
luck. If you get a band
started, I'll be sure to
come and laugh at you."
"Thanks for the support," C.S. said dryly. He turned to leave.
"No, wait!" Hanpan called. "I think Mog was going to start a band a
while back, but it
never got off the ground.
Maybe he'd want to team up with you."
Cait Sith paused and looked back over his shoulder. "Really?" After
less-than-flattering comments, he wasn't so sure that the wind rat was telling the truth.
"Yes, really," Hanpan sighed. He rolled his tiny eyes. "Oh, all right.
I'll take you there.
You'll probably get lost
* * *
Cait Sith wandered through the mines of Narshe, with Hanpan perched
on his shoulder.
Cait knew that Hanpan
was going to bite him any minute now, but so far the wind rat had remained relatively civil
while giving directions,
albeit a bit curt. "Left," Hanpan said.
Cait Sith turned left and proceeded down another rocky passageway. He
shivered. It was
cold in the mines, and
he was only wearing his short red cape. A wooden door had been set into the wall at the
end of the passage. It
was old and starting to rot. Cait pushed it open and stepped through.
He knew he had stepped into the Moogle caves, because the music had
changed to Mog's
theme. Cait pushed
his way through the hordes of Moogles that seemed to fill every available inch of the cave.
Cries of "Kupo!"
echoed through the cave, accompanied by a lone "Kupoppo!" and an "Uhhhhhh...." from
Cait stepped over two Moogles playing marbles to reach the one that
had said "Kupoppo".
Remember me? Cait Sith?"
"Hellokupo!" Mog greeted him.
"Hanpan said you were trying to start a band once," Cait Sith said with
a nod towards the
rat perched on his
"Oh, yeah, I was," Mog said. "But that was a couple months ago. The
only person I could
get to join was Neko the
cat, kupo. So I gave up."
"Well, I'm starting my own band," Cait Sith said. "You want in?"
Mog shrugged. "Why not, kupo?" He turned to Umaro, who was crouched
on a rock
beside him. "Umaro, I'm
leaving to join a band. Stay here 'til I get back. Got that? Stay here."
Umaro stared blankly at his Moogle companion. "Uhhhhh.... you want fries with that?"
"Oh, you're pathetic," Mog said. "Let's go, kupo."
Hanpan pointed up in the air. "Look out!" he shouted urgently. "Falling asterisk!"
* * *
Cait Sith, Hanpan, and Mog entered Neko's shop near Potos Village. A
bipedal purple cat
overalls ran to greet them. "Customers?" Neko purred. "Great! What can I do for you
guys? Items? Weapons?
Gas, food, lodging? If you don't come see me today, I can't save you any money!" Neko
sentences in about the time it took for a normal person to utter a single word.
"Have you considered going into business as a used car salesman?" Cait Sith asked.
"Cars?" Neko looked at him. "I do sell used Chocobos. You in the market
for a used
Chocobo? I've got some
real beauties. Step right this way." Neko motioned towards a door.
C.S. reached onto his head and adjusted the ice pack he was wearing
as a result of being
hit by an asterisk. "Or
you could do Micro Machines commercials," he added thoughtfully.
"Calm down, kupo, we're not here to buy anything," Mog said.
Neko's face fell. "You're not?" he said, his speech instantly slowing
down to a normal
"You remember when we tried to start the band a couple months back?"
Mog asked. "Cait
Sith over there is
starting his own band, so I joined it. You interested too?"
"I'm trying to become famous," Cait Sith explained. "If I hit the big
time maybe they'll give
me a cameo in Brave
Neko considered the situation. "Are we going to make any money on this?"
Cait Sith turned to Hanpan, who had left Cait's shoulder and was hovering
in the air.
"Doesn't he remind you of
Yuffie?" he asked.
"Well, he isn't nearly as ugly and he is a naturally-occuring species," Hanpan said.
Mog was continuing the discussion with Neko. "If we get popular enough,
we might get
big bucks," he said.
"Come on, kupo."
Cait Sith adjusted his ice pack again. "You know, being hit by an asterisk
"I'll take it on good faith that we will make money on this," Neko said. "Count me in."
Hanpan looked at the trio. "What is this, the cute animal character band?"
Cait Sith whirled to look at him. An excited grin crossed his face.
"Yeah! That's it! Let's
call ourselves the Cute
Animal Characters! ....are you sure you don't want to join the band?"
Hanpan held his hands out to the side of his body and spun slowly around
in the air. "Do I
look like I could play an
Cait Sith looked at the foot-tall wind rat, then nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, most of your
body mass seems to
have gone to your ego."
"For somebody who wants me to join his band, you're sure not being very polite about it."
"Sorry," Cait Sith said completely insincerely. From the smirk on his
face, it was obvious
what his true feelings
were. "Er... you could be our manager."
Hanpan started ticking off points on his fingers and talking under his
breath. He seemed to
be evaluating the
proposition. "Oh, what the heck," he said, throwing his hands up. "I don't have anything
better to do. I'm in."
"Speaking of instruments, what kind of instruments do we have?" Mog asked.
Cait Sith cringed. "Er..." He hadn't considered instruments. That was just a minor detail.
Neko raised a paw. "I'll take care of that. Hang on." Neko put his hands
on his shop
counter, swung his legs and
torso over, then ran up the stairs. He returned in a few seconds toting a large orange bag.
Neko climbed back
over the counter with the bag and set it down on the floor. He loosened a rope tying the
bag shut and starting
rummaging around inside.
Neko started tossing objects out the bag: a weedwhacker, a toilet, a
trading card, a box of
Oreos, some kelp, and finally two guitars and a drum set. "I knew those were in here
somewhere," Neko said.
"You keep all that stuff in your bag?" Hanpan asked.
Neko shrugged as if this was no big deal. "Oh yeah." He reached into
the bag and
produced a small wooden
monkey with a crank in its back. "Look, here's a clockwork monkey."
"What would you ever want kelp for?"
"Hey, you never know when it might come in handy," Neko said. "Be prepared,
motto. Actually, 'caveat
emptor' is my motto, but you know what I mean."
Cait Sith stared at the selection of instruments. "Can I have a sackbutt?"
"What is a sackbutt anyway, kupo?" Mog said.
Cait Sith shrugged. "I don't have a clue; I just like the word. Sackbutt
Hanpan cleared his throat. "Sackbutt (n). A medieval wind instrument
similar to a
"Oh, shut up," Cait Sith said. "Sackbutt sackbutt sackbutt."
"I got dibs on the drums," Neko cut in.
"Well, I guess we've got the guitars then," Cait Sith said to Mog. The
cat Esper picked up
one of the guitars and
gave it a few experiments strums. "Wow, this is great. My very own garage band."
"Er... you're an Esper, right?" Hanpan said. "Since when do Espers have garages?"
"Okay, we're a cave band," Cait Sith said. "Big whoop. No, wait, I've
got a better idea."
He grabbed Mog's hand
and ran out the door, towing Mog behind him. "Follow me!" Hanpan and Neko looked at
each other, shrugged,
then jogged after him.
* * *
Cloud strummed his fingers on the table and watched the streets for
any sign of customers.
villa in Costa Del Sol had been filled with a lot of junk from its previous ownership by
President Shinra, so he
was holding a garage sale to get rid of it all. So far, though, he hadn't had much in the way
Cloud was just about to take down the big sign reading "GARAGE SALE"
customers arrived. Or at
least he thought they were customers. Then Cait Sith came flying around the corner --
almost literally -- and
skidded to a stop in the driveway. "How much are you asking?" he asked, leaning eagerly
across the table.
Cloud looked at Cait and the rest of the Cute Animal Characters, not
them. "How much am I
asking for what?"
Cait Sith gestured towards the villa. "For the garage, stupid," he said.
"The garage?" Cloud repeated. His brow furrowed in confusion. "I'm not
Cait Sith's temper changed instantly and he become quite irate. He pointed
at the sign
advertising the sale. "It
says right there, GARAGE... SALE. That's false advertising, that is. I'm making a citizen's
"You can't do that!" Cloud protested.
"Oh yeah?" Cait snapped. "Why not?"
Neko reached into his bag and pulled a pair of toy handcuffs. "Here,"
he said, handing
them to Cait Sith. Cait
slapped them around Cloud's wrists and snapped them shut.
"Let go of me!" Cloud said, trying to wriggle out of the handcuffs.
"I don't think so," Cait Sith said. "You guys stay here and watch him.
I'm going to go call
the police." Leaving his
friends behind, he ran off in search of a phone booth. He found one in front of the grocery
store in downtown
Costa Del Sol. Cait Sith darted into the phone booth, but then realized he had no money.
Cait Sith looked around the grocery store parking lot and spotted a
vending machine for
the Corel Times. He
slid his small fingers up into the change slot and reached around for a coin.
There was a puff of smoke behind him. "You should be ashamed of yourself,"
"Breaking into a
newspaper box. How low are you going to get? It's Espers like you who are making the
gaming industry the way
it is. Back when I was a young 'un, we had RESPECT for property and something called
morals. Morals, y'hear?"
Cait Sith looked around. Everybody in the parking lot was watching him.
"Go away," Cait
Sith hissed to Ramuh.
"We wouldn't break into a newspaper box for pocket change! In my day,
we were just
glad to have pockets in the
first place, change or no change!" With those final words, Ramuh disappeared in another
puff of smoke
Cait Sith finally managed to extract a quarter from the coin slot. He
stood up and glanced
nervously at the
crowds clustered around him. A drop of sweat trickled down his forehead. "Heh, heh...
don't mind me. Uh, I'm the
newspaper box repairman. Yeah, that's it. The repairman. Heh." He nervously surveyed
the faces in the crowd.
His eyes stopped on a man whose badge identified him as the store manager. Another
drop of sweat rolled
down his face.
The manager returned C.S.'s stare. "Give me twenty pushups," he grunted.
"You heard me. Gimme twenty pushups."
Cait Sith glanced around the crowd again. Seeing no other alternative,
he got down to his
knees and did twenty
pushups under the stare of the store manager. The manager appeared satisfied and walked
away to attend to
Cait Sith, got to his feet, and pushed through the crowd and hurried
back to the phone
booth. He popped the
quarter in and dialed 911. "Hello? Cait Sith, Esquire, speaking. What do you 911 people
do between calls,
There was some angry and garbled shouting from the other end. "Sorry,
I was just
wondering. Get me the
Meanwhile, back at the villa, Neko and Mog were attempting to restrain
hovered above Cloud's
face, his hands covering Cloud's mouth. Cloud was trying to wriggle out of their grasp and
remove the toy
handcuffs that C.S. had slappd on him. He pushed Hanpan away from his face. "Stop this
"I don't think so," Mog said sternly. "We're taking a bite out of crime."
"I'm not a criminal, you -" Cloud left the sentence hanging and turned
towards the villa.
"HELP!" Hanpan flew
under the table and started tickling Cloud's feet.
The front door of the villa flew open and Vincent and Yuffie ran out.
"What's going on
here?" Vincent asked.
"Somebody get these stupid animals away from me!" Cloud shouted, trying
to fend off
Hanpan while also
pushing Mog away.
"Hey, there's nothing in here," Yuffie said, peering into the cash box.
Vincent drew his gun from inside his cloak and pointed it threateningly
at Neko. He said
consequently nobody paid him any attention.
"Officer, did you see that?" a high-pitched voice said. "He's carrying a concealed weapon!"
Mog turned towards the source of the voice. A police car pulled up with
pointing out of the window at
Vincent. C.S. dived through the window and landed on the villa driveway. Two police
officers got out of the car by
more conventional means.
One of the officers flashed a badge in the general direction of the
chaos. "Costa Del Sol
police," he said.
"I don't see any gambling going on here," the other officer said, puzzled.
"Right there, officer, he's the leader!" Cait Sith said, pointing at
Cloud. Cloud ducked
under the table to avoid
Mog and Neko.
The officer ducked down to talk to Cloud. "Is this your house?"
"Yes! Now get these maniacs out of here!"
The officer produced a search warrant and waved it in Cloud's face.
"First I'd like to
investigate this alleged
marijuana-growing operation in your basement."
"Just what did you tell those guys?" Hanpan asked Cait Sith. C.S. grinned in response.
"How did you find out about that?" Yuffie said indignantly.
"Fine, go ahead and search the damn house!" Cloud said. "Now make these
twits leave me
"We're making a citizen's arrest, sir," Neko explained, trying to sound reasonable.
"Leave him alone," the other police officer advised. "We're in control
of the situation
now." Somewhat regretfully,
Neko and Mog backed away from Cloud.
The police officer who had shown the search warrant to Cloud had already
gone into the
house. Hanpan floated
over next to Cait Sith's ear. "Now what do we do?" he whispered. "As soon as that guy
gets back out, we're
Cait Sith looked around and spotted the police car. The doors had been
left open, and the
keys were still in the
ignition. "Let's get out of here!" He ran for the car and jumped through the door with
Hanpan flying after him.
"Hey!" the police officer said, running to stop them. Mog kicked him
in the groin, then he
and Neko jumped in the
back seat, while the police officer watched in astonishment.
Cait Sith slammed the door close and turned the ignition. "Hey, anybody
know how to
work the lights?" Hanpan
pointed at a lever in response. C.S. flipped it and the lights start flashing with
accompanying siren. "Wheee!" he
As the police officer ran towards the car, Mog had the presence of mind
to lock the doors.
The officer started
pounding on the car windows and yelling incoherently. "Now what do I do?" he asked
"Step on the gas," Hanpan said.
The police officer raised a crowbar. "Step on the gas," Cait Sith repeated,
gas down. The car
wheels screeched as the vehicle took off at 50 miles per hour, leaving the police officer in
a cloud of exhaust.
Unable to stop his swing, the police officer followed through on his smashing motion with
the crowbar and struck
the pavement. The last the Cute Animal Characters saw of him, he was vibrating violently.
Hanpan covered his eyes as the car barreled down the streets of Costa
Del Sol. "Step on
the brakes!" he yelled.
"Step on the brakes," Cait Sith repeated, stepping on the brakes.
The car slowed down to a more normal speed. The road ahead was relatively
despite the presence of a
four-way intersection. "Check and turn the signals to the right," Hanpan instructed.
"Check and turn the signals to the right," Cait Sith repeated, doing so.
"Step on the gas, now turn to the right."
"Step on the gas, now turn to the right." Cait Sith hit the gas too
hard and the car speeded
up greatly, causing
him to miss the turn. The car turned into a lawn and knocked over a couple of garbage
cans. A dog started
Getting into the whole spirit of things, Cait Sith turned on the police
radio. "Come in,
Sierra Oscar! Come in,
Sierra Oscar!" he said into it.
"Look out!" Hanpan cried urgently.
"Look out!" Cait Sith repeated automatically. Then he did a double-take
and looked up.
The car was rolling
directly towards a lamppost. He slammed the steering wheel to the side, but it was too
late. The police car
smashed into the lamppost, caving the front of the car in. The front license plate wobbled
and fell off.
The police officers jogged up to the car. The one with the crowbar still
looked a little
dazed, but nevertheless
smashed in the driver's side window. He leaned his head through to talk to Cait Sith.
"You're under arrest," he
said. "Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law."
Unable to resist the opportunity, Cait Sith retorted, "You're a big
fat smelly dumb-dumb
Cloud sauntered up with his sword slung across his back. He appeared
as casual as always
as he approached
the two police officers. "I think there's been a misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding?" one of the officers said indignantly. "You call
"There seems to be a problem involving my garage sale. I think Cait
Sith -" Cloud jerked a
thumb towards the
cat. "- thought I meant I was selling my garage."
"And what does that have to do with this stuff about illegal gambling
growing and our car being
stolen and this talking cat calling me a smelly dumb-dumb head?" The officer was growing
and his face was turning red.
"Hold on, buddy, don't go postal," Mog said from inside the car.
"Why don't you just go grab some donuts and I'll deal with this?" Cloud volunteered.
Cait Sith poked his head out the window to face the officers. "Don't
mess with him, he's
level 99," he squeaked.
The two police officers looked at each other. Although they said nothing,
they were both
thinking the same thing.
They both did just want to get out of here and forget the whole mess, but that would be
technically speaking. One of the officers arrived at a mental compromise. "I'll just give you
a citation, little fella'."
The officer reached into his pocket, produced a pad of paper and a pen,
something down. He tore
the sheet off the pad and handed it to Cait Sith.
Cait Sith stared at the paper, then held it up closer to his face. When
that failed to produce
he held it out at arm's length. It still looked like gibberish. "Are you training to become a
doctor?" he asked the
Hanpan tore the citation out of Cait Sith's hands and peered at it.
The piece of paper was
taller than he was.
"Called officer a big fat smelly dumb-dumb head," he read. "Cited for disorderly conduct."
"I take it you want the car back?" Neko asked.
"Yes," the other officer said sternly. Regretfully, the four band members
got out of the car
and stood aside. The
police officers climbed in and drove off.
"What was all this about?" Cloud asked when the police had left.
"We want to buy your garage," Neko explained. "For our band."
"You went to all this just to use my garage?"
"Look, you can just go ahead and use the garage! Why didn't you say
so in the first
* * *
Mog and Neko backed into the garage, carrying an old sofa that Mog had
ago at a government
seizure auction. They stumbled across the floor of the garage and set it down as soon as
Cait Sith was sitting on the floor of a garage, making a big poster
that read "CUTE
Cloud's garage had dark wooden walls and ceiling, and a smooth cement floor. Near the
back of the garage,
two wooden beams rose out of the floor and supported the ceiling. Cloud's car was parked
in the garage, but
there was still plenty of room for the band.
Neko picked up his bag from the corner to retrive the group's instruments.
inside and tossed out a
salmon puppet, a pair of fuzzy dice, a protractor, a neon green bathrobe, and a balloon
woodchuck before he
found the guitars and drum set.
Neko placed his drum set towards the rear of the garage, between the
two beams. He left
the two guitars sitting
on the floor in front of the drums. Neko then procured a pair of large speakers and two
microphones from his bag
and started wiring them.
Hanpan flew to the couch and perched on the back. "So, are you guys
going to write our
music or are we getting
somebody else to do it?"
The three band members looked up at Hanpan. Nobody said anything. After
seconds, Mog said, "Er, I
guess we'd better get somebody else."
"How about Edward?" Cait Sith suggested. "You know, the bard?"
"Edward?" Mog repeated. "Well..."
"Maybe he's a wimp, but he is a bard. Bards, music, they go together, you know?"
Somebody knocked on the door of the garage. Mog pushed a button on the
wall and the
door opened up.
Standing in the light from outside was a bipedal mole, clad in a turban and a green tunic. It
was Mogu from
Breath of Fire. "Hi, I heard you guys are starting a band."
Cait Sith stood up and held up his poster for Mogu to see. "That's right;
we're the Cute
"I'm a cute animal character," Mogu said. "Can I join your band?"
"Can you play?" Hanpan asked guardedly.
Mogu reached into a pocket in his tunic and took out a kazoo. With a
confident grin, he
popped the kazoo in his
mouth and proceeded to play The Ride of the Valkyries. Without warning, he hit the front
part of the kazoo with
his free hand, flipping it into the air. He caught the kazoo in his mouth and resumed
playing right where he had
"Wooowwwww, he's good, man," Neko said.
Mogu took the kazoo out of his mouth and smiled. "Well? What do you think?"
"You're in," Hanpan said.
"All right!" Mogu stepped into the garage and threw himself down on the sofa.
"Hey, do you write music?" Neko asked. The purple cat was still wiring
the speakers and
"No, but I know somebody who does," Mogu said. "Jean the frog. You know him?"
Cait Sith glanced around at the other band members. Their blank faces
indicated they did
not. "Nope. Never
heard of him."
"Breath of Fire 2. He's the prince of SimaFort. He's a bad fighter and
he's a bit on the
stupid side, but I know he
does write songs."
"Okay, I'll go give him and Edward a call," Cait Sith said.
* * *
Jean was a chubby green frog with a rather out-of-it expression on his
face that indicated
his mind was usually
elsewhere. He was wearing a frilly blue-and-white tunic that looked like something out of
an early medieval court.
Edward was, well, Edward the bard. Upon their arrival, they had immediately got to work
writing the Cute Animal
Characters' first songs.
While the pair was writing songs, the actual band decided to warm up.
Cait Sith picked up
his guitar and gave it
a few strums. The guitar was totally out of tune, but Cait's lack of anything remotely
resembling musical talent
prevented him from recognizing this. He played some random notes in a completely
Neko walked behind his drums, cleared his throat for no real reason,
and started banging
on the drums totally
out of sync with Cait Sith's guitar. Mog joined in on his guitar, adding to the cacophony.
Mogu stood up straight,
cracked his knuckles, took his kazoo out of his pocket, and began The Dance of the
A rhythmic pounding noise started outside the garage. Neko paused in
his drumming for a
concentrated, and then resumed, drumming in time to the pounding.
"Kick, punch, it's all in the mind," Cait Sith yelled. He continued
to play his guitar
Hanpan floated over to the cat. "Er, I don't mean to be rude, but have
you ever played a
"Air guitar," Cait Sith shrugged. He played an awful chord that sounded
like nails scraping
down a blackboard.
The pounding noise continued outside. "What is that sound?" Mog wondered.
his guitar and
waddled outside. Cid, with a cigarette clenched in his mouth, was standing on a ladder to
the left side of the
garage, nailing soundproof tiling to the side of the garage.
Mog realized what Cid was doing. "Oh, come on, we're not that bad, kupo," he said.
Cid looked down at him. "Yes you are," he said. "All that @*$&%*$%
racket is givin' me
"Well, we're new," Mog replied. "Give us time."
"You're a lost cause," Cid said. "Even Shera could play better than that."
"Hey, Mog, get in here!" Hanpan shouted from inside the garage. Mog
scurried back into the
garage. Jean and Edward were discussing something with the rest of the band. Mog
walked over to join them.
Neko shoved some paper in his face, which was at about Neko's arm level.
first song," Neko said.
"It's called 'Blue and Green'."
Mog scanned the lyrics. They would not be too hard to remember. "Anybody
these?" Mogu raised his
hand, so Mog handed him the lyrics.
The Cute Animal Characters walked over to their instruments: Cait Sith
and Mog in the
front with their guitars,
and Neko behind them with his drums. The lanky purple cat looked out of place among
the other short members
of the band. Mogu stood between the guitarists and Neko, the band's first song perched on
a music stand in
front of him. Hanpan perched on the sofa to watch this first performance.
"Okay, on the count of three," Hanpan said. "Go!"
Cait Sith started playing, but stopped when Hanpan shoute, "I said 'go',
not 3. Let's try
again, okay? On the count
of three. 1.... 2.... 3!"
The band launched into a raucous meledy that did not in any way resemble
Jean's music -- except
for Mogu, who carefully studied the music as he played. His kazoo was completely
drowned out by the
cacophony surrounding him. Outside, a dog started howling. After a short beginning, they
got to the lyrics, and
Cait Sith began to sing.
Blue, blue, blue, green!
Blue, blue, blue, red!
Blue, blue, blue, green!
Blue, blue, blue, red!
Outside, a dog started howling. The door from the garage into the villa
was nudged open
and Red XIII peered
through. "Some of us are trying to visually assimilate information, you know."
"In public?" Mog yelled over the noise.
"Er... he means he's reading," Hanpan yelled.
Red XIII turned and padded back inside the villa. The door slammed shut.
stopped playing and looked
at each other with slightly guilty expressions. "I can tell when we're not wanted," Neko
said bitterly. "Especially
when some people are trying to visually assimilate information."
Cait Sith shrugged and his normal demeanor -- hyper -- returned. "Let's
go over to Shinra
Music and see if we
can get signed."
"Already?" Mogu asked. "But we just started practicing today!"
Cait Sith threw himself down on the sofa and leaned back, a confident
grin on his face.
"Hey, we've got natural
talent," Cait Sith said with absolutely no indication that he was at all insincere.
Hanpan considered the idea. It was completely impossible for them to
get signed at this
level of quality (or lack
thereof), but what harm would it do to try? "Let's give it a shot," he said.
* * *
The Cute Animal Characters stepped nervously into a recording studio
on the 32nd floor
of the Shinra Building.
This was the big moment, or at least Cait Sith thought it was.
The recording studio was a spartan affair, with dark gray walls and
Reeve, who was serving as
interim director of the Shinra Records division after the previous director met an untimely
death in an incident
involving a duck and a bottle rocket, stood expectantly on the far side of the room.
The group took their places at their instruments. "Ready?" Cait Sith
asked tensely. He
looked back at the rest of
the group. They all nodded their agreement.
The Cute Animal Characters launched into another jarring mix of out-of-tune
unrhythmic drum beats, and
a masterful kazoo that was sadly overwhelmed by the rest of the instruments.
Blue, blue, blue, green!
Blue, blue, blue, red!
Blue, blue, blue, green!
Blue, blue, blue, red!
After about a half a minute of "Blue and Green", the door to the recording
open. A Shinra
employee poked her head through. "Er... is that the fire alarm?"
"Naw, it's this here alleged band," Reeve shouted back.
"We haven't gotten to the good part yet!" Cait Sith explained, then
launched into the next
Blue, blue, blue, green!
Blue, blue, blue, red!
Blue, blue, blue, green!
Blue, blue, blue... and YELLOW!
The Cute Animal Characters concluded their song with a screeching guitar
shattered windows around the
floor. They looked anxiously at Reeve, who did not appear very enthusiastic. "Y'all call
that a band? That ain't
"Well, uh, I guess we'll be leaving then," Neko said. He hurriedly backed
out of the room,
pulling his drum set
along. He paused and turned the drums to fit them through the door, then left.
Cait Sith scratched his head. "Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. But
he probably likes
country music, so I
guess he just doesn't have any taste."
Mogu dried off his kazoo with the sleeve of his tunic. "I don't know what we did wrong."
"It's not the end," Hanpan said. "There's other big, evil, companies out there."
"Sebec in Persona. And Umbrella."
* * *
The next day, the Cute Animal Characters stood in a recording studio
in the Sebec
Building in Lunarvale, ready
for a second audition. This time, they were going to play a brand new song written by Jean
"Go ahead," the recruiting agent said.
The band began playing a slightly slower song than "Blue and Green".
Neko pounded the
drums as hard as he
could, and Cait Sith and Mog strummed their guitars out of synch with each other. Mogu
blew on his kazoo until
he thought his lungs would explode, but he could still not be heard over the racket the
others were making.
Bonobos are pygmy chimps
Don't stuff 'em in blimps
Cait Sith and Mog had gotten as far as those two lines when the agent
rose to his feet,
pointed at the door, and
The band stopped.
"I should have you arrested for impersonating musicians!" the recruiter
was... total... crap! Get out
of here! NOW!"
The Cute Animal Characters tore out of the room. Mog forgot his guitar
and ducked back
in as fast as he could
to retrieve it. "Things just aren't going well, are they?" Neko sighed.
"Kupo," Mog said sadly.
"Let's give Umbrella a shot," Hanpan said. "We've still got that song
we haven't played
* * *
A few hours later, the Cute Animal Characters were set up to play once
again, this time
for Umbrella. It was
starting to become a routine. Hanpan would contact the company, hype their band, and
line up an audition. The
band would wait around in the lobby until they got a chance to play, then they went to the
recording studio and
were promptly thrown out of the building. They hoped to avoid that last part this time.
"Third try's the charm," Cait Sith said quietly as they waited for the signal to begin.
The Cute Animal Characters began playing their third song, a fast tune
(using the word
"tune" loosely) that
actually allowed Mogu's kazoo feats to be heard for once.
We wanted a new floor
Didn't want one that's dumb
We went to the store
And picked out marmot linoleum
"Stop!" the recruiter shouted. After a moment's hesitation, the band
paused in mid-beat.
"You phonies get out of
here. I want to hear the kazoo guy."
Cait Sith, Neko, and Mog paused and look at each other for reassurance.
They had not
expected this. Seeing no
point in arguing with the guy -- and not even sure exactly what was going on -- they took
their instruments and left.
Hanpan stayed behind.
The trio of ejected musicians sat down on side of the hall and waited
silently. Inside, they
could hear Mogu
playing In the Hall of the Mountain King on his kazoo. After about a minute, Neko spoke
up. "Hey, I have a
crossword puzzle I was working on; you want to help me out?"
"Sure," Mog shrugged.
Neko started rooting around in his bag for the puzzle. He tossed out
a huge ball of string,
a live chicken, five
Aces of Spades, an inflatable teepee, and a whoopie cushion before finally locating a
folded-up newspaper. The
chicken ran off squawking. In the recording studio, Mogu launched into Louie Louie.
Neko examined the puzzle. "Okay, what's a five-letter word for a 'foul smell'?"
Cait Sith sat on the whoopie cushion and giggled. "Odor?" he suggested.
"No, that's four
"Reeks?" Mog said.
"Nah, it has to be a noun," Neko said, studying the puzzle. "And the second letter is 'd'."
Cait Sith picked up the five Aces of Spades and dealt them out in front
of Mog. "I've got
five of a kind. Let's see
you beat that."
Just then, the door to the recording studio opened and Mogu strode out
at a jaunty pace.
Hanpan was perched
on his shoulder, a smug expression plastered on his face. "Well?" Mog asked. "What
Mogu grinned. "He thought I was great. I got signed."
"Yahoo!" Cait Sith exclaimed, jumping up and doing a little dance that
with fleas. "We made
"No," Mogu corrected. "I made it."
Cait Sith stopped and raised a finger to his cheek. "You mean..?"
"I'm sorry," Mogu apologized. "But I'm quitting the band."
Neko stood up abruptly. "But we need you!" he pleaded. "You're good!"
"Look, I know you guys are having a tough time, but I can't do anything
to help you. I'm
better off on my own."
Hanpan stood up to a full ten inches. "It's not the end of the world,
you know," he said.
"We can find someone
Cait Sith sighed as he sat down. He idly uncoiled the ball of string
from Neko's bag.
"Yeah. I suppose you're
* * *
"Boy, we really aren't doing that good, are we?" Cait Sith said. He
was lying on his back
on the sofa in Cloud's
garage. The other band members also lounged around, suffering from a similar lack of
enthusiasm. Not only had
they failed three auditions, they had lost their best musician as well.
"It's gotta be the songs," Mog spoke up.
"What?" Neko said. He was standing behind his drums, resting his head
in his hands and
his elbows on the
"It's our songs. That's what's wrong, kupo. Our songs are terrible."
Cait Sith sat up. "It's all Edward and Jean's fault!" he declared. That
was all it took to
re-energize Cait, and with
him the rest of the band.
"Let's fire them!" Neko said, getting into the spirit of things. Then he paused.
"I'll handle this," Hanpan said.
"Kupo, don't be too hard on them," Mog cautioned the wind rat.
"I won't," Hanpan said. "I'll make it quick and painless."
Cait Sith turned to Neko. "Did you ever get that five-letter word for a foul smell?"
"No, I didn't. Hey, Hanpan!" he shouted. "You're smart. What's a five-letter
word for a
foul smell, second letter is
Hanpan paused on his way to the door into the villa and gave Neko a
steely gaze. "There
aren't any," he said
coldly. He then flew up to the doorknob, wrapped both his arms around, and yanked it
open with all his might.
Hanpan leaned through the open door. "EDWARD, JEAN, GET IN HERE!" he shouted.
"While we're on the subject of words, do any of you happen to know what
means?" Cait Sith asked.
"I do, but I'm not telling," Hanpan said.
Edward and Jean appeared in the doorway with slightly guilty expressions.
know what was going on,
but Hanpan was clearly not happy. The wind rat perched on the edge of Neko's drums,
crossed his tiny arms,
and gave the pair a hard stare.
"Your songs suck," he said succinctly. "You're fired."
"But before you go, do you guys know a five-letter word for a foul smell?" Neko asked.
Jean's eyes started to water. "But... but... they were such good songs,"
"They came right from my
Cait Sith turned to Mog. "I really don't think I want to see his soul," he whispered.
"And I just came up with a new song," Jean continued. "All about Costa
Del Sol. It goes
'Sand, sand, sand, this is
Costa Del Sol's song.'"
"We did the best we could," Edward interrupted hastily. "I thought they
were pretty good,
really. They had a lot of
Hanpan picked up one of the songs and stared at it depreciatingly. "Oh,
really. Where are
the subtle contexts in
'Blue, blue, blue, green!'?"
Jean squinted in concentration. His right hand came up to cover his
fat chin. "Er... behind
the door?" he said.
Edward turned to Jean. "We could always start our own band."
"Yes, that's it," Jean agreed happily. He nodded his head loosely, looking
as if his head
was not attached to his
body. "We'll start our own band."
Edward started towards the garage door. "Let's go. We've got to get
home... and fast!"
The pair power-walked
out of the garage.
Neko had been examining the crossword during the events. "Wait a second,
letters. My bad."
"Then it is 'odor,'" Cait Sith said smugly. "I was right."
Mog dusted off his hands in a symbolic gesture. "Well, we've got that
taken care of," he
squeaked. "Now what
are we up to? We're still not going to get signed."
Cait Sith started pacing the garage. The wheels in his mind began to
turn and thoughts
raced through his little
furry head. "I've got a plan. Chocobalooza is coming up next month. If we can win there,
somebody's bound to
sign us." Chocobalooza was an annual music contest held at the Gold Saucer. Winning at
guarantee a band instant fame... but there was tough competition.
"Step one is just to get invited," Neko said. "And how could we possibly do that?"
Cait Sith stopped pacing, whirled, and pointed upwards. "I know! We gotta believe!"
"We can 'believe' all we want, but that's not going to get us an invitation,"
"We need to attract
attention to ourselves somehow."
Mog raised a hand to his round nose to think. "If we die, that usually makes headlines."
"Are you volunteering?" Neko asked.
"Er... we could draw straws. Kupo."
"How 'bout Spin the Bottle?" Cait Sith suggested.
"Don't be ridiculous," Hanpan said.
"You're just scared."
"Here's a better idea," Neko said. "Let's do something controversial."
"Controversial?" Mog repeated.
"Yeah. Write some controversial songs with like religious themes or
something, and then
say we're not going to
release them, but then 'reverse' our decision. Just to attract attention, y'know."
The three gave him flat stares that suggested they did not think too
highly of his idea.
Neko surveyed their faces
and saw he was fighting a losing battles. "Well, er, it worked for Xenogears..." he said
Hanpan's expression shifted. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
Cait Sith gazed up at the rat, who was still sitting on the drums. "I
think so, Hanpan, but
why would Gilgamesh
want the potato chips?"
* * *
Fei regarded the crew of animals with puzzlement. "Let me get this straight.
You want me
to write songs for your
"You guessed 'er, Chester," Cait Sith said.
Fei spread his hands to the side. "But I'm terrible at music!"
"That's okay," Neko said. "Just write something controversial. With religious themes."
"And put in lots of swearing too," Mog suggested.
"If we wanted swearing, we could just get Cid to write that," Cait Sith disagreed.
"Just, like, it make it offensive, okay?" Neko said.
Fei sighed. "All right. I'll try."
* * *
A few days later, the band gathered once again in Cloud's garage to
read the song that Fei
had just sent Cait
Sith. The cat Esper eagerly tore open the envelope and took out the song lyrics. He read
"This song has religious themes
I wrote it while standing under a beam
It also has lots of swearing
But don't think I'm not caring
I don't like religion one bit
I think religion is a piece -"
Cait Sith lowered the lyrics in disgust. "These are terrible! 'I wrote
it while standing under
a beam'? We'd get
laughed right off the stage at Chocobalooza!"
"Okay, maybe that wasn't the greatest idea," Hanpan admitted. "I do
"So where are we gonna get some lyrics?" Cait Sith said.
"Kupo! Why can't we just write them ourselves?" Mog replied. "I'm sure
we could do
better than 'Blue, blue, blue,
"Yeah, why not?" Cait Sith agreed. "How 'bout it, Hanpan?"
Hanpan shrugged. "It's your band. But what about getting a replacemnet
for Mogu? We
really need a fourth
Neko waved his hands towards the door. "Hey, if anybody comes in here,
we'll sign 'em
"Who do we know that can sing?" Cait Sith scratched his head and tried to concentrate.
"Celes?" Mog suggested. "She was in the opera once. Granted, it was on accident but -"
"She might be cute, but she's not an animal," Cait Sith said. "We're
looking for cute animal
"Actually, Cait, humans are animals, despite what they might like to
believe," Hanpan said
"Oh, shut up, Genius Boy," Cait Sith said.
"Just because I'm above your intelligence level doesn't mean you have
to insult me. I was
going to offer a
suggestion, but now I'm not so sure."
"What it is?" Neko demanded.
Hanpan sighed and relented. "Why wait for people to come here? Let's
hold auditions to
* * *
Cait Sith checked his watch. 9:50. In ten more minutes they would start
the auditions to
pick a fourth member of
the Cute Animal Characters. Mog and Hanpan were setting something up inside the
garage that involved a lot of
sawing and electric wiring -- Cait Sith wasn't so sure what -- and Neko was out putting up
auditioners to the villa. They'd already labeled the front of the garage with a big banner
reading "CUTE ANIMAL
The door into the villa opened and Cloud walked in. "What's all this
about?" he asked
Cait Sith barely turned his head to look at Cloud. "We're holding auditions
for our band,"
he said as if this was
nothing noteworthy. "Mogu quit."
"Oh. You know, you could have told me about this beforehand," Cloud said.
"We didn't think you'd want to be bothered," Cait Sith said, his attention
focused on Mog
and Hanpan's work. He
was trying to figure out what they were doing. They had set up a desk at the rear of the
garage and were
engaged in some sort of wiring job on it, but C.S. couldn't figure out its purpose. "I know
you've got a lot to do
what with all those cameo appearances and whatnot. But don't worry, when I become
famous, I'll take some of
those appearances for you."
"You're too kind," Cloud said wryly. He turned to leave and opened the
door. "I've got to
check my orange juice
"You do that," Cait Sith said, but Cloud had already closed the door
behind him. C.S.
checked his watch again.
9:56. "Hanpan, do they really sell orange juice futures?"
"Yup," Hanpan said. "And soy beans too."
The garage door opened and Neko hurried in. Behind him trailed Yuffie,
who was yelling
at him. "Yeah, well, if
you think you're so good, let's see if you can beat us at Chocobalooza!" Yuffie called after
Neko. "My group
already got an invitation."
Mog quickly pressed the button to close the garage door.
"Hey, let's see what the magic 8-ball says about our band," Cait Sith
suggested just to kill
time. He reached into
a pocket in his cloak and took out the magic 8-ball he had received last Christmas. "Oh,
magic 8-ball, will our
band be a success?" Cait Sith shook the ball and peered inside.
"You wish, buster," he read. He paused briefly to analyze this unexpected
turn. "Oh well,
it's not like anybody
pays any attention to these things." He quickly put the 8-ball away again.
C.S. checked his watch again. It was now 10:00. "You guys ready to go?"
he asked Mog
Hanpan looked appraisingly at the desk he and Mog had been sitting at.
"I think so. Why
don't you open it up?"
Mog opened the garage door, then retreated to a chair behind his desk.
remained standing on the
sides of the desk. A large line had formed outside the garage. "Looks like we got a good
The first person in line was a baby yellow mouse with a red bow in her
hair. "I'm Pipsy!"
she squeaked as she
approached the desk.
"That's too cute," Mog said. "NEXT!" Mog pressed a big red button on his desk.
A trap door opened up under Pipsy. She looked down. "Uh-oh!" Pipsy exclaimed
went spiraling down
into a deep, dark, pit. The trap door closed again, awaiting the next potential band
Two woodchucks in football helmets waddled in. They had big noses, but
tails and even shorter and
stubbier arms -- their arms were little more than triangles pointing out of their shoulders.
"I'm Jogurt," one of the
"And I'm Golpher."
"We're the Groundhog Brothers," Jogurt said.
"There is no Groundhog Sister."
"We come from Gophonia."
"Gophonia is a city," Golpher added.
The existing band members looked at each other to confer. "Well, they're
"But they don't have any arms," Mog countered. "NEXT!" He pressed the
again. Jogurt and Golpher
disappeared into the hole with twin squeals of surprise.
Next in line was a short brown monkey accompanied by a tall man wearing
a yellow hat.
"This is Curious
George," the man introduced the monkey. Curious George hooted.
"We're looking for video game characters here," Mog sighed. "And besides,
people who can talk.
NEXT!" Mog slammed the red button, sending both Curious George and the Man in the
Yellow Hat spiraling into
"You know, a Curious George game would actually be really cool," Neko
could run around and eat
puzzle pieces and throw pizza dough at people."
"Um... yeah," Cait Sith said.
"And then there could be a level where you go out into space, and..."
Palmer was next in line. "What do you want?" Cait Sith asked suspiciously.
"Hey-hey, I want to join your band!" Palmer exclaimed. "I can dance really well!"
Mog leaned over the desk at him. "You're not cute, you're not an animal,
furthermore, the thought of you
dancing will give me nightmares for weeks. NEXT!"
Mog pressed the red button. As the pit trap opened again, Palmer said,
"I guess I need
practicccccccccccccccce..." The last syllable trailed off as Palmer hurtled down into the
gloom, making him
sound like a leaking ballon (which really wasn't all that inaccurate a comparison).
"Palmer dancing," Cait Sith shuddered. "I think I've suffered permanent emotional scars."
"There could be a bonus level where you have to time it right to dump
some sand on the
bank robbers," Neko
"All right, all right, you made your point," Cait Sith said.
A large, furry, white dragon with blue wings lumbered up to the desk.
The dragon was
being accompanied by a
short mushroom person with a crown and a long brown beard. There was a sudden crash
behind the dragon. The mushroom looked around. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry," he said. "I
hope that wasn't your lamp."
"King Truffle? Flammie?" Neko said, recognizing them instantly.
"Hellooooo!" King Truffle greeted him. Flammie made a dragon noise.
"Okay, he's pretty cute, but we're looking for people who can talk,"
Mog said. "NEXT!"
He pressed the button
and Flammie and King Truffle were dropped into the void below. After a few seconds,
there was a loud thud as
Flammie hit the ground, followed by a high-pitched squeak from one of the Groundhog
Mog looked back at the rest of the band. "Somebody go out and write
on the sign that we
want people who can
talk," he said. "I don't want any more of these animals who can't talk, kupo."
Cait Sith looked at Neko. Neko looked at Hanpan. Hanpan looked at Neko.
right," Hanpan snapped. "I'll
"I've got a pen in my bag somewhere," Neko said. He dug into the bag
and tossed out
spaghetti, a pair of pliers, three pieces of coral, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles poster, an
emerald pig figurine,
and a pair of swim goggles before triumphantly raising a thick red Sharpie pen.
Hanpan took the pen -- which was longer than he was tall -- and wrapped
it as if he was climbing
a rope. Holding the pen beneath him, he flew out of the garage. To somebody who did not
know him, it looked
like he was riding on the pen. Hanpan flew up above garage, positioned himself alongside
the banner, and held
the pen tip to the banner. Using his whole body weight to move, he jerked himself and the
pen in the shape of an
"T". He continued the process, spelling out "TALKING ANIMALS ONLY."
Crono, looking at the sign, shook his head sadly and walked away in disappointment.
Meanwhile, the next person had stepped up to the desk inside. It was
Frog. "Thinkest thou
that I canst join thy
band?" Frog inquired.
He was met with blank stares. "Huh?" Cait Sith said.
"There'd have to be a level at the laundromat, too," Neko said.
"Will you shut up about Curious George already?" Cait Sith snapped.
"Er... we were looking for people who spoke English," Mog said to Frog.
"And you're not
that cute anyways.
NEXT!" Mog slammed the red button and dropped Frog in with the others.
Hanpan flew back into the garage just in time to see the next visitor.
It was Spekkio, in his
furry white Kilwala
form. "I'm Spekkio, the Master of War!" Spekkio declared. "Buwa ha ha ha!"
"Now this has potential," Hanpan murmured.
"Not as much as a Curious George game, though," Neko said.
"CUT THE DAMN CURIOUS GEORGE CRAP!" Cait Sith roared. "I don't want
"Sorry. But you have to admit it would be really cool."
Spekkio was munching on an apple. "The better at music you are, the
stronger I appear,"
he said. "What do I
look like to you?"
"Some furry white critter," Neko said.
Spekkio looked at him apprehensively. "You're not that good a band,
are you? Oh well, I
like the concept. You
wanna see me play the keyboard? I'm really good, if I do say so myself."
"Er... we don't have a keyboard," Neko said. "I could check my bag if you like."
"Don't bother," Spekkio said. He waved one hand casually and a keyboard
appeared in the
room. The Master of
War waddled over to it and started playing the motorcycle chase music from FF7.
It took about five seconds for the band to reach a conclusion. "You're
hired!" Cait Sith
* * *
Palmer reached around in the dark, searching for a way out of the pit.
Around the pit,
there was similar
confusion. "Sir, thy monkey hast given me a wedgie," a voice said in the darkness.
King Truffle looked upwards. "Helloooo!" he shouted. "Anybody up there?"
there was a startled
squeak followed by a crashing sound. "Oh no, not again." Flammie's swinging tail had hit
Jogurt and sent the
little woodchuck flying through the wall and into the sewers. The incident prompted tales
of rabid woodchucks
running loose in the Costa Del Sol sewers, which soon developed into tales of giant albino
running loose in the sewers. An enduring urban legend had begun.
Jogurt had been protected from the flight by his durable gray football
helmet. As he tried
to re-orient himself,
three figures walked up. They were Edward, Jean, and Malak.
"Hello, Jogurt," Jean said. "We're starting a band, the Really Useless
you like to join?"
* * *
Cait Sith's pen scratched across a paper, churning out lyrics for the
resurgent Cute Animal
Characters. He wrote
the first thing that popped into his mind without any consideration for whether it was
worth putting in a song.
Nobody could fault his quantity, but his quality had... issues.
While C.S. wrote, the rest of the band was practicing. Spekkio was showing
keyboard skills by playing
with his eyes closed and with one hand tied behind his back. Neko and Mog tried
desperately to keep up with
him on their own instruments.
Hanpan was pondering how to get the group to Chocobalooza. They had
to get some
recognition to receive an
invitation, but since nobody would sign them until they went to Chocobalooza, they
couldn't get any recognition. It
was a classic case of catch-22.
Cait Sith looked at his manager and seemed to read his thoughts. "You
know, the ASPCA
is putting on a benefit
concert here next week. We'd be a perfect group to play there. Being cute animals, you
"That's a good idea," Hanpan sounded genuinely surprised. "Those benefit
usually take anybody
that comes their way. I'll give them a call." Cait Sith tried to hand them his PHS phone,
but Hanpan pointed to the
sofa. "Put it on the sofa."
Cait Sith set the phone down on the sofa. Hanpan flew over to it --
it was bigger than he
was -- and pressed each
of the buttons to dial the ASPCA. He then stood next to the speaker on the phone. "Hello,
I understand you're
having a benefit concert in Costa Del Sol," Hanpan said.
"Yes, we are," the ASPCA person on the other end said.
"I'm the manager for a group called the Cute Animal Characters," Hanpan
said. "We are
cute animal characters,
you see -- we have two cats, a Moogle, and a Kilwala. And I'm a wind rat. We were
wondering if you'd be
interesting in having us play at your concert."
There was a pause. "Is that your band in the background?" the ASPCA person asked.
"Yes, it is."
There was another pause. "How about you come to the concert, and if
we don't raise
enough money, you'll start
"People will pay money not to hear you play."
"Hold on a sec." Hanpan turned away from the phone to face the band.
"Hey, guys, is it
okay if people pay
money not to hear us play at a benefit concert?"
"Not to hear us play?" Spekkio repeated. "Er..."
Neko shrugged. "Hey, it's free publicity and it goes to a good cause. Why not?"
Hanpan turned back to the phone. "All right. It's a deal."
* * *
Neko closed the trunk. "We're all ready to go," he announced. The Cute
Characters climbed into Cloud's
car. After the previous results of Cait Sith's driving, Cloud had wisely volunteered to drive
the band to the concert
(despite Cait Sith's protests that he could drive "real good" in Gran Turismo).
Cloud waited until the gang was all buckled up and Hanpan perched on
then he started the car
and headed off for the concert site, on the beach. While Cloud drove, Cait Sith reached
over and turned on the
radio. "And now, the Really Useless Characters' hit single 'Green and Blue'."
After a brief pause, some jarring music -- even worse than the Cute
Animal Characters --
came on. It featured a
nausea-(or worse)-inducing mix of bagpipes, a harp, pan pipes, and a gong that sounded
about every three
seconds. Over this cacophony, Edward screamed the "song"'s lyrics.
Green, green, green, blue!
Green, green, green, red!
Green, green, green, blue!
Green, green, green, red!
"Hey! They can't do that!" Cait Sith exclaimed.
"They're even worse than we are!" Spekkio said. He reconsidered this
statement. "Er, not
that we're bad or
"Actually, Spekkio," Hanpan said, "musical talent seems to be inversely
success. Just look at
Hanson and the Spice Girls."
"Wow, we must really be good then, kupo," Mog said.
Cait Sith was still irate. "All they did was change 'green' and 'blue'
around and now they
have a hit song! Why
didn't we think of that? Arrrrgh! As Cid would say, 'Damn, I'm pissed!'"
"Let's sue them for copyright infringement!" Neko exclaimed, eager for
any opportunity to
"But they wrote the songs in the first place," Hanpan said.
Cloud had been ignoring the whole conversation. Not doing so might have
appearance that he was
actually interested in something, and that was the last thing Cloud wanted. "We're here,"
he said casually. They
had arrived at the concert site on the beach.
The Cute Animal Characters got out of the car. The ASPCA benefit concert
held on a square wooden
stage on the beach, with plenty of room left for crowds. Neko and Spekkio started setting
up the instruments
while Cait Sith checked in with an ASPCA person.
"So we're not going to play unless you don't meet your fundraising goal?"
"That's right. You're so bad, we figured a lot of people would pay money
if you wouldn't
play," the ASPCA person
"Wow, that's nice to hear," C.S. said sarcastically. He went to join
the rest of the band on
the stage. As the point
of the concert was for them not to play, there wasn't a whole lot to do. Neko and Mog
were sitting on the edge of
the stage,with their legs dangling off, and Hanpan was perched on Neko's shoulder.
Spekkio was off chatting
with a TV crew from channel WARK.
Cait Sith sat down next to Mog. "Now we just sit here for an hour,"
he said. "Anybody
bring something to do?"
"I'm still working on that crossword puzzle," Neko suggested. "I've
got it in my bag." He
ran across the stage,
picked up his bag, and started tossing out stuff: a box of Pop-Tarts, a chainsaw manual
half-chewed up by mice,
some edible soap, a map of Norway, and a huge 72-foot tall soldier figure (it was a 12/1
soldier). He eventually
located the newspaper that had the crossword in it. After removing it from the bag, Neko
heaved the 12/1 soldier
back inside. Despite the fact that it was far bigger than the bag, the figure fit in anyway.
Neko returned to where Mog and Cait Sith were sitting. Hanpan hopped
back up on the
purple cat's shoulder.
Neko examined the crossword. "Hmmm... okay, clue is 'Really bad musician', eight letters.
Second letter is A,
fifth letter is S."
"What's going the other way?" Mog asked.
"Hold on, I'll look," Neko said.
While Neko was looking, a young boy who looked to be about four years
old passed by
the stage, licking a
lollipop. He was accompanied by his mother. "Mommy, why isn't the band playing?" the
"They're really bad, dear," his mother explained patiently. "We're paying
money so they
"Oh." The boy considered this fact, then decided to ignore it. He turned
to Neko. "I like
your pet rat, Mister."
"Whoops," Cait Sith said immediately. Trouble wasn't just brewing, it was boiling.
Hanpan flew over and landed on the boy's shoulder. He took a deep breath,
then turned to
the boy's ear and
bellowed, "I'M NOT A DAMN PET!" Satisfied, he flew back to Neko.
The boy ran off in tears. "You should be ashamed of yourself," the boy's
sternly. "Using language like
that around children." Incensed, she stormed off after her child.
There was a puff of smoke behind the group. Cait Sith looked back. Ramuh
instruments. "You should be ashamed of yourself!" he snapped. "Tell that rat to go wash
his mouth out with soap
right now! Back in the good ol' days, if we'd said something like that, we'd have gotten
strung upside-down from
the flagpole and beat with a baseball bat! Just because you're trying to get to this
doesn't give you an excuse to mouth off to innocent children! And the music these days --
it's all a lot of noise! In
my day, we listened to real music. I bet you whippersnappers have never even heard of
Nobuo Uematsu or
"Who's that?" Neko asked, pointing at Ramuh. "Do we know him?"
"It's that old psycho Ramuh," Mog said. "What's he doin' here?"
"I'm keeping you twerpy kids in line, that's what I'm doing!" Ramuh
said. "If you really
wanted to go to
Baloozahooza or whatever it is -"
"Chocobalooza," Neko interrupted.
"- you should have talked to wise old Ramuh! Dio owes me a favor for
Materia lying carelessly around
like that, so I could have gotten you an invitation. But did you? Nooooooo! Speaking of
Materia, it's just a load of
rubbish. Materia, Magicitie, who needs it? In my day, spells were bought at stores, and we
were darned please
to have 'em! Only certain characters could use magic, you know. Now just everybody
goes around -"
"Er... could you get us an invitation?" Cait Sith asked hopefully.
"I already said no!" Ramuh snapped.
"Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?" Cait Sith
"Here, maybe this will help," Neko said. He produced a spray can of
"SD Spray" from his
bag, -- miraculously on
the first try -- pointed the nozzle at Cait Sith, and sprayed. A white fog came out and
enveloped Cait Sith. When it
disappated, Cait was left with a huge head and a tiny body.
"Pleeeeeease?" SD Cait asked.
"Oh, all right," Ramuh relented, overcome by SD Cait's cuteness. "But just this one time."
"Thank you!" SD Cait squeaked as Ramuh disappeared in another puff of
turned to Neko. "How long is this gonna last?"
"It should wear off in an hour or so," Neko said. "Now let's get back
to my crossword.
How about 'Main
character's weapon in Suikoden', five letters?"
"Stick," Hanpan said.
Neko filled in the answer and examined the results. The eight-letter
answer for "Really bad
musician" was now _
A _ T S _ _ _.
Cait Sith peered over Neko's shoulder. "That better not be what I think it is."
Neko looked at some of the other words nearby. "Ah, 'critter with bow
in Secret of Mana',
that's easy. Chobin.
Now we've got _ A _ T S _ _ H for the bad musician. "Sorry, Cait, but I think it's you."
"Give me that!" Cait Sith tore the newspaper away from Neko. He stared
at in disgust.
"Dammit, who makes
these things?" C.S. ripped the newspaper in two and flung the halves out into the crowd.
"My crossword!" Neko said. "How dare you! I've been working on that for a week."
Cait Sith grumbled and folded his arms across his chest defiantly. With
nothing left to do,
the Cute Animal
Characters were forced to just sit and wait until the hour-long period was over. Cait Sith
ran to check with the
"We've met our goal," he was told. "You don't have to play. You can go home now."
"But we still can?" Cait Sith asked hopefully.
"No, that would be false advertising," the ASPCA person said.
Cait Sith nodded in agreement. "False advertising is really bad. See,
I was trying to buy
this garage, but -"
"You can go home now," the ASPCA person repeated.
"- and so I went to the grocery store and found this pay phone and -"
"Didn't you hear me? I said YOU CAN GO HOME NOW."
Cait Sith, finally getting the message, went back to the car, where
the other members of
the band were waiting. "I
think I got on TV!" Spekkio said excitedly. "They said the concert's going to be on the
As Cloud drove back to the villa, Cait Sith turned on the radio. "And
we've had still more
requests for the Really
Useless Characters 'Green and Blue', so here it is yet again."
C.S. quickly flipped off the radio. "The irony of this is disgusting," he said.
* * *
Back at the villa, Spekkio quickly flipped on the TV to see if there
was a story about their
concert. It was a
commercial break. The group waited patiently through endless promos about WARK's
news helicopters, then
the news resumed.
"Our next story concerns a up-and-coming rock foursome," the news anchor said.
"Yes! That's us!" Spekkio exulted. His enthusiasm was halted when the
broadcast cut to a
video of none other
than the Really Useless Characters playing "Green and Blue". Edward was strumming his
harp, Jean was
playing a rusted set of pan pipes in a completely unmusical fashion, and Malak was puffing
away on his
bagpipes. Meanwhile, the football helmet-clad Jogurt was running headfirst into a gong
over and over. Each
time, he would bounce off, remain dazed for a moment, and then charge into it again.
Cait Sith quickly turned the TV off. "What's going on here?" he demanded.
'blue' and 'green' around
and now they're the biggest thing since you didn't have to hold Reset while turning the
power off to keep your
"Kupo, at least we're going to Chocobalooza," Mog said. "That's our
chance to beat 'em
* * *
At last Chocobalooza arrived. Ramuh had made good on his promise to
acquire the Cute
Animal Characters an
invitation to Chocobalooza, and the band was now waiting backstage at the Gold Saucer's
Event Square for
their chance to play.
The first band was Dio's own band, which he had formed with Richter,
Simon, and Trevor
from the Castlevania
series. Being the owner of the Gold Saucer, Dio had of course given his band an
invitation. That didn't mean Dio
and the Belmonts were any good, however.
"With competition like this, we could actually win," Spekkio said to
Cait Sith. "Uh, Cait?
Cait Sith was sound asleep. "Wake up, Cait!" Hanpan shouted. There was
"WAKE UP!" Still
nothing. "He'd better get up before it's our turn," Hanpan muttered.
The Cute Animal Characters did not have to worry quite yet. Dio and
the Belmonts left
the stage to little
applause, and were succeeded by a lone man with a bushy moustache.
"Uh, Hanpan? Kupo?" Mog said nervously backstage. "What's Saddam Hussein
"Haven't you heard?" Hanpan said. "He's become a rap artist to improve
his public image."
[no, not really]
On stage, Saddam Hussein took the microphone and started singing his
song "Menace II
Democracy". The Cute Animal Characters (except for C.S., who was still asleep) watched
experience from backstage.
The West has done its own fair share
So why can't we pollute our air?
Yeah, life in the desert is really rough
And UNICEF don't pay enough
They say that I'm a menace to democracy
But democracy is a menace to me
Oh yes, I never dreamed it would be like this
I am the number one ruler of the Middle East
The Scuds over there will bring you good luck
The nerve gas over here comes in a truck
They sat that I'm a menace to democracy
But democracy is a menace to me
Cait Sith dozed on. After Saddam Hussein, the next musician was none
other than Ronald
McDonald. "I'm not
Ronald McDonald," Ronald McDonald explained, prompting many puzzled expressions in
the audience. "I'm
really the ghost of Richard Nixon. I just took over Ronald McDonald's body."
"Cait, you really gotta see this," Neko urged, to no avail. The cat
Esper was missing out
on the increasingly
bizarre concert. On stage, Nixon / Ronald McDonald began his song.
Do you believe in cheating?
And I hope you do
You'll always have a friend named Spiro Agnew
Anything can be done,
So expect to win!
When you believe in cheating
And I hope you do
You'll always have Nixon to kick around too
Law and order have flown the coop
I take my orders from Lippo Group
When you believe in cheating
And I hope you do
You'll always have money 'til someone sues
The Lincoln Bedroom is up for sale
As long as I don't wind up in jail
When you believe in cheating
And I hope you do
"WAKE UP, CAIT!" Hanpan shouted as Nixon / Ronald McDonald left the
stage to mild
applause from a
Dio walked on briefly to announce the next group. "And next up, the
Wu-Tai Clan." Dio
walked off stage and was
replaced by Yuffie, Gorky, Shake, and Chekhov.
"Oh no, it's Yuffie!" Neko exclaimed. Although he had only known Yuffie
for a few
weeks, he had quickly acquired
a healthy revulsion for her.
The Wu-Tai Clan started rapping badly. Very badly. About ten seconds
perfomance, many members of
the audience appeared to be writhing in pain. Then Wedge and Vicks burst into flame.
"Oh my God, they killed Wedge and Vicks!" Mog exclaimed.
Neko shook Cait violently. "Cait! Cait! Wake up! The audience is on fire!"
Cait Sith sat up and shook his head. "Huh? What?" He looked out from
were raging through
the audience and people were screaming. The Wu-Tai Clan kept rapping.
"You don't think this is one of those mitochondira incidents, do you?"
"Nah," Spekkio shrugged. "Just really bad singing." He went back to eating an apple.
"Well, somebody's got to do something!" Hanpan urged.
As if on cue, the ceiling over the stage caved in and an onion wearing
a karate gi dropped
onto the stage. "Hey
hey!" it shouted. "You're bad! Want to try super beginner's course?"
Chop-Chop was followed by P.J. Berri, Katy Kat, Sunny Funny, and finally
himself. "You rappin' awful!"
Yuffie drew her boomerang. "I'll make you try the super beginner's course!"
"If you want to test me, I'm sure you'll find the things I'll teach
ya is sure to beat ya,"
Chop-Chop rapped. He leapt
towards Yuffie. "Kick, punch, chop!" he shouted, kicking Yuffie across the stage.
Gorky, Shake, and Chekhov rushed towards the PaRappa gang. "Block, turn,
and kick it!"
whirling around and kicking Gorky. Next to him, P.J. Berri was throwing donuts at Shake
Cait Sith was fully awake now. "Yeah! Go, PaRappa, go!" he exclaimed,
jumping up and
Yuffie sprung to her feet. "Wu-Tai forever!" she shouted.
"Crack, crack, crack the egg on your head," PaRappa said. He tossed
an egg at Yuffie. It
smashed on her
forehead, coating her face in egg white.
"Gawd, this is, like, totally disgusting," Yuffie said, trying to wipe off the egg white.
"Hey, it's not our fault if we don't have any talent," Chekhov admitted
in the middle of the
"A rap group without talent is like a dance floor without me!" Katy
Kat said angrily. "Do
"Jump, kick, chop!" Chop-Chop said, jumping over Chekhov, then whirling
Chekhov in the back.
"This is really a lot of fun," Sunny said.
"Chop, kick, block!" PaRappa chopped Shake in the head and then kicked
him into the
wall. "I got the funky
Yuffie wiped the egg off her face and hurled her boomerang at PaRappa.
"Duck!" PaRappa repeated, ducking under the boomerang and its return flight.
"Hmm, yeah, I see you're getting better. Kick to the limit in order
to get her now,"
Chop-Chop rapped. He and
PaRappa advanced on Yuffie. Yuffie backed off. "C'mon, c'mon, why don't you follow my
said to Yuffie. "We're almost done; I'll make it easy at first."
Dio ran onstage. "Hey, hey!" he shouted. "What's going on here? Stop
violence at once!"
"But she set the audience on fire!" P.J. protested.
"Yeah, and if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your dog, I would
have gotten away
with it!" Yuffie snapped.
"Can't you resolve this peacefully?" Dio demanded.
"How about Janken?" Katy suggested.
"Fine!" Yuffie agreed. She stepped forward to face off with P.J. Berri.
Dio, as a neutral party, counted as Yuffie and P.J. pounded their fists
on their palms.
"Jan.... Ken.... Pon!" Yuffie
chose scissors. P.J. had paper, but quickly folded up his hand into rock.
"He won," Dio said, pointing at P.J.
A yellow light shown upwards around the stage, then its occupants were
floating out in
space. The Knights of the
Round appeared in the distance. "Mwaha ha ha!" Yuffie laughed. She pointed up at the
gonna do when they come?"
"I gotta believe!"
"Only one person can save us now!" Sunny exclaimed.
A caped figure soared towards the group. "Never fear, Joe Chin is here!
I shall put on my
magic gloves of glory
and..." Joe Chin's voice got faster and faster until he became completely unintelligible.
"No, not you," Chop-Chop said, kicking Joe Chin out into space. "We
need -" A sound
above him caused him to
look up. "- JET BABY!"
The first Knight of the Round swooped towards PaRappa's group. Jet Baby
at him and rammed
him, catapulting him back the way he had come. Jet Baby then soared towards Yuffie and
boomerang from her hands. The Knights of the Round spell ceased abruptly and the gang
was back on stage.
"You may have defeated this time, but you haven't seen the last of me!"
"Wu-Tai forever!" Yuffie
and the other Wu-Tai Clan members flashed white and then vanished.
PaRappa faced the astonished -- and relieved -- audience. "Thank you,
thank you, thank
you, everybody," he
said, bowing. "And don't forget... you gotta believe! Thank you!"
"That's it for today!" Chop-Chop said. He and the rest of the PaRappa
crew left the stage
applause, having saved the audience from the Wu-Tai Clan. Wedge and Vicks, however,
were dead. Again.
"Well, that was an interesting interlude," Hanpan said backstage. "Even
if did have
absolutely nothing to do with
the main storyline."
"Jet Baby!" Cait Sith shouted triumphantly.
Spekkio consulted the Chocobalooza program. "Hey, guys. The Really Useless
are next up."
"Too bad PaRappa left when he did, kupo," Mog said.
The Really Useless Characters strode on stage. They knew PaRappa's surprise
would be a tough
act to follow, but they were going to try anyway. And so they began playing "Green and
As the awful, completely unrhythmic, "music" began, Cait Sith jammed
a pair of earmuffs
on his head. "I don't
want to listen to this!" he declared.
The rest of the band toughed it out, but the jarring music was not easy
to listen to. For
some inexplicable reason
(perhaps owing a lot to hive mentality), the crowd was cheering wildly. Spekkio turned to
Mog. "You ever heard
the song 'Paralyzed'? I used to think that was the definition of bad music, but these guys
make it look like Wrinkly
Kong's theme from Donkey Kong Country 2."
"Huh?" Neko said. "Wrinkly Kong's theme?"
Spekkio stared at him. His apple fell from his hands. "You've never
heard Wrinkly Kong's
theme? That's the
best piece of video game music ever! Um, anyway, these guys are really bad."
"So I noticed," Hanpan said.
Eventually, the hellish sounds subsided. The ecstatic crowd applauded
demanded an encore.
Luckily, since the Really Useless Characters had only one song, there was none. Mog
tapped Cait Sith. "It's
over," he said.
"I know," Cait Sith said as he took off his earmuffs. "I could hear
it right through these.
Those guys need to be
taken out and shot."
As the Cute Animal Characters were a last-minute addition to the Chocobalooza
they would be the final
band to play. Thus, the band had to wait through perfomances by a Moogle dance troupe;
the Turks' band; some
prehistoric people from Chrono Trigger; Johnny "The Man" and his robot companions;
Ozzie, Slash, and Flea's
heavy metal band; the Murond Holy Place boys' choir; and the Artist Formerly Known as
Then at last it was the Cute Animal Characters' turn. Cait Sith strode
confidently onto the
stage while Neko and
Spekkio pushed the drums and keyboard out. Mog trailed out after them. C.S. took the
microphone. "And now,
folks, it's the moment you've been all been waiting for. Unfortunately, due to increased
demand for our
autographs, we are no longer to make them available except when accompanied by
generous cash dontations.
So just relax and enjoy our much talked-about music." Cait "neglected" to mention that
none of the talking about
their music had been positive.
Cait looked at his fellow band members. All were ready to play the brand
new song they'd
been saving for this
occasion. C.S. nodded once, then twice. On the third nod, they began.
I saw a dead ferret on the road
Stinkin' up the air
It smelled like a rotting toad
And it looked like Rufus's hair
* * *
Cait Sith watched the scenery pass by Cloud's car on the trip back to
Costa Del Sol.
"What did we do wrong?"
he said eventually. "How could that spoony bard and his gang of bozos win instead of us?"
"Bribing the judges?" Neko suggested.
"Speaking of the judges, are they really allowed to give out negative
"Oh, well, at least we got an honorable mention," Spekkio said.
Neko looked back at him. "Uh, actually, it was just a mention. It wasn't honorable."
Mog tried to liven things up a little. "I didn't see exactly what Dio
gave you at the awards
ceremony -- what was
Silently, Cait Sith held up a sandwich bag filled with water. A goldfish
floated on the
surface of the water. Mog
peered at the fish intently. "It looks dead, kupo," he said.
"It is dead," Cait Sith said. He tucked the fish and accompanying bag
back into his cloak.
"Maybe I can give it to
Yuffie or something."
Mog shrugged. "Hey, at least we tried hard and did our best. Kupo! That's
counts, isn't it?"
The others all turned to stare at him with a mixture of annoyance and
shock. "No," they
* * *
A few days later...
Cloud stepped into his garage. Cait Sith was in the process of taking
down the big Cute
poster, and Spekkio was disassembling the speaker system. Mog and Neko were just
carrying the sofa out of
the garage as Cloud entered.
"Quittin' the music biz?" Cloud asked.
Cait Sith turned to look at him. "Yeah," he sighed. "We figured there
was no use trying to
compete with Jean and
the moron crew." He nodded towards a director's chair in the corner of the garage and his
returned. "We've moved into the movie business now!"
"But they're already making an FF movie," Cloud protested.
Cait Sith shrugged. "So?" he said, talking excitedly. "We're not making
the FF movie. Our
first movie is going to
be Thirty-two Short Films About Rufus's Hair. Then we're doing a documentary on the
rise and fall of our band."
Cait Sith paused for breath, then continued. "We were thinking about
having us win at
Chocobalooza in our
documentary. They say history is written by the winners. I say it's written by the media.
But Hanpan and Mog were
against it, so we went with a factual version instead. Besides, Malak's lawyers didn't like
the scene where we
stuffed a bomb in his bagpipes."
"I think you made the right choice," Cloud said. "Well, I look forward to seeing it."
"Oh, you've already seen it. In fact, you're in it right now."
As Cloud gave Cait Sith a started look and backed out of the room, the
music began to play.
***CAST OF CHARACTERS***
Musician #1.......Larry the Pus-Filled Boil
Musician #2.......Pukey the Singing Squirrel
Store Manager.....Mr. Pudo
911 Operator......Mrs. Pudo
Cop #1............Richard Kim
Cop #2............Kyle Walker
Shinra Employee...Lagonga Derdaboink
Sebec Director....Pat Mackey
Umbrella Director.Carl Hanauer
Man in Yellow Hat.Louie Ord
ASPCA Person #1...Bub Stig
Radio Announcer...Monga Chippy
ASPCA Person #2...Erg Gibbon
Boy...............Jeffy of the Family Circus
News Anchor.......Isaac Emery
Ronald McDonald...Ben McKee
Produced and directed by: Cait Sith
Screenplay by: Hanpan
Special effects: Spekkio
Sound engineer: Mog
Soundtrack by: the Cute Animal Characters
Based on the fanfic by Fritz Fraundorf.
A Cute Animal Pictures film.