The soldiers took the Monkees directly to the throne room, where King Hiram, Princess Ellie Jo, and H.P.I. Smith were whiling away the time playing three-handed bridge.
"It's either feast or famine," the king said. "We need one dummy, and now we have four. Take 'em back to the cell," he commanded the guards.
"One moment, Your Highness," Smith said. "Isn't it possible that these scalawags found The Button? They knew it was in a goose. And they were recaptured in the marketplace. When you put one and one together, what do you get?"
"I don't know. I didn't have to take math," King Hiram replied. "When you're king, the only required subjects are gym and lunch. What do you get?"
"The Button, I hope," Smith replied. "Frisk 'em," he said to the soldiers.
The Monkees were searched. "Nothing, Your Highness," the leader of the soldiers reported.
"They ditched it," Smith guessed.
"Did you?" King Hiram snapped at Peter.
"I cannot tell a lie. George Washington did it," Peter replied.
"Sound the alarm!" King Hiram shouted. "Put out a pick-up for George Washington! I want him brought to me the minute he's found."
Smith leaned across the table and whispered to the king.
"Do tell!" King Hiram said, surprised. "I thought that was Abe Lincoln." He addressed the leader of the soldiers again. "Cancel the alarm." Then to Smith he said, "Do you have any of that truth serum left?"
Smith reached inside his cape and brought out the needle.
"That won't be necessary," Mike said. "We'll tell you what happened to The Button. It's riding around on top of a lady midget. She's wearing it in her hat."
"Oh, boy" the king groaned. "The stories get wilder every time. First, it was swallowed by a goose. Now-- I won't even repeat it." He signaled to Smith. "Hit 'im with the serum."
Smith got up from the table and cautiously advanced on Mike.
Mike simply rolled up his sleeve. "One way or the other, I'm going to get it," he said. "It might as well be the easy way."
Smith looked disappointed. "I don't work very well the easy way," he said. "It's not natural. Couldn't you resist a little bit?"
"I'll do it for you," Peter said. "Give me the needle."
Smith held it out to him.
Peter reached for it. "Ouch!" he cried. His eyes became glazed. "I cannot tell a lie," he said. "The Button is riding around on top of a lady midget. Mike dropped it in her hat."
"They did it again!" the king raged. "I never seen such a bunch of lyin' truth-tellers! Lock 'em up!"
The soldier escorted the Monkees from the throne room and back to the dungeon, where, once again, the guard locked them in the cell.
"I don't know why you boys keep runnin' away," the guard said. "Seems to me this cell ought to be like home to you by now."
"We're proving how normal we are," Davy replied. "It's normal for a boy to run away from home."
"Maybe so," the guard said. "But it sure ain't normal for--"
"Will you just lay off the long hair?" Micky said gruffly.
"I'm only tryin' to be a daddy to you. That's your troubloe, I figure. You need a daddy to give you a strong talkin' to. Now, when I was a boy--"
The guard interrupted himself. Princess Ellie Jo, carrying a covered basket, had entered the dungeon.
"Howdy, Princess." The guard beamed. "Can I hold your horse for you again?"
"How thoughtful." Princess Ellie Jo blushed. "Yes, of course you may. It's in the barn."
"I'll get right out there," the guard said, heading for the door. "It sure is an honor, holdin' a princess's horse."
As soon as the guard was gone, Princess Ellie Jo handed the basket through the bars to the Monkees.
"Eggs?" Mike speculated.
"Enough to bribe every guard in the palace," she replied.
"Shall we break them now or wait until after she leaves?" Micky asked Mike.
"These eggs won't break," the princess said. "I hard-boiled them."
Micky, who was holding the basket, lifted the cover and reached in and picked up an egg. He hefted it. "Solid as a rock," he announced. "We couldn't break these if we tried."
"I'll believe that when I see it," Mike said. "Let's not take any chances. Put the basket down."
Micky returned the egg to the basket, covered it, then gently placed it on the floor at his feet. "Even if they fell, they wouldn't break-- not from that height," he said. "This time, we can't miss."
"So far, not too bad," Mike said. "But what do we do when we get out of here?"
"Paw's already figured that out," Princess Elllie Jo answered. "The circus is playin' in town this week, and he figures that lady midget is part of one of the sideshows. He's gone out to the circus grounds to find her."
"Then there's not a minute to lose," Micky said. "Go get that guard, Princess. We can't bribe him until he gets back."
Blushing, the princess hurried away from the dungeon.
"I'll watch for the guard," Micky said.
He took a step forward to get nearer the bars. As he did, he kicked the basket. It tipped over. Fortunately, thanks to Princess Ellie Jo's forethought, the eggs did not break. But unfortunately, thanks to Princess Ellie Jo's forethought, they rolled from the cell, into the corridor, and out of reach.
"You don't have to watch for the guard anymore," Mike said to Micky.
"I wonder what went wrong," Davy said, frowning. "It seemed like such a sure thing. The princess hard-boiled the eggs. She brought the eggs to us. Micky put them--"
"You passed it," Mike said. "Where it went wrong was when she brought the eggs to us."
Just then, the guard came sauntering back into the dungeon. He had a blissful smile on his face.
"See that," he said, holding out a hand. "That's the hand that held the princess's horse. You know what I'm gonna do with--"
The guard, not watching where he was walking, stepped on an egg. His feet flew into the air. An instant later he landed on the floor with a thud. The blissful smile remained on his face. He was completely unconscious.
"Do you suppose he's some sort of undercover agent and he's really on our side?" Davy mused, studying the guard. "He certainly has been a lot of help to us."
The Monkees reached through the bars, got hold of the guard, and pulled him to the cell. They then relieved him of the key and opened the door. After placing the guard inside the cell on the cot, they locked the door. Then they slipped out of the castle.
"Now, how do we get on the circus grounds?" Mike asked.
"There's a Sam on the corner." Peter pointed. "Let's ask him."
They hurried to where Sam Directions was standing. He was reluctant at first, however, to tell them how to get to the circus grounds. He was specializing that day, he advised them, in directions to Battery Park in uptown New York.
"Battey Park is in downtown New York," Mike pointed out.
"Naturally. All my directions are wrong," Sam replied. "It's what they expect when they ask directions from a stranger."
"But you gave us the right directions earlier today," Micky said.
"I was on my lunch hour," Sam explained.
"Well, look. Since we've met before, you're no longer a stranger," Mike said. "So how about giving us the right directions?"
Sam considered for a moment. Then apparently he decided that there was basically nothing unethical about giving the right directions. "Circus grounds, eh?" he said. "Just follow the parade."
After thanking him, they stepped into the street and joined the parade that was passing by, falling in behind the clowns.
The Monkees waved to the people in the crowd lining the street. And the people waved back.
"Look, Mommy!" a little boy cried. "There are the monkeys!"
"Watch how you spell that, kid!" Davy shouted back.
In time, the parade reached the circus grounds and disbanded. The clowns disbanded. The bareback riders and their horses disbanded. The animal wagon disbanded. The elephants disbanded. And even the band disbanded. Only the Monkees remained together.
"We'd better stay close to the tents, out of sight," Mike said. "King Hiram is probably around here somewhere. And we don't want to go back to that dungeon. Princess Ellie Jo is probably running low on eggs."
"Where will we find the lady midget?" Davy asked.
"In one of the sideshows," Micky said. "Every circus has a midget act. Little people are a big draw."
Leading the way, Mike started around a corner of a tent. But suddenly he drew back.
"King Hiram and H.P.I. Smith!" he whispered. "We almost ran into them. They're right around the corner!"
"I'll bet they've found The Button!" Davy said.
"Then why are they still here?" Micky asked.
"Shhh!" Mike said. "Let's try to hear what they're saying."
The Monkees peeked around the corner of the tent. King Hiram and Smith were standing only a few feet away in front of a huge advertising sign.
"It just don't make no sense a-tall," King Hiram was saying disgustedly. "Every circus has a midget act. Little people are a big draw. How come this circus don't have no midget act?"
"I don't know," Smith replied, baffled. "All I know is, I've checked every sideshow on the grounds and not one of them is a midget act. I wonder if those boys were really lying when they told the truth."
"Ain't likely," King Hiram repied. "What's more likely is, you saw them midgets and missed 'em. They're itty-bitty, you know. Come on." He motioned. "I'll take a look-see for myself. There ain't nothin' that gets by the king!"
King Hirama and Smith moved off, headed for the sideshow area. As they departed, they sign they had been standing before was revealed. It advertised:
"What do you make of that?" Davy mused.
"It couldn't be important or it wouldn't have got by the king," Peter said.
"Elementary," Mike said. "The king has been looking in the wrong place. The lady midget isn't in a sideshow. She appears in the main tent."
"Then all we have to do is go to the main tent and find her," Davy said.
"We can't miss," Micky said.
"Unless we're too late," Mike said. "I don't want to be an alarmist, but-- Well, I'm a little bothered by that part where she lands on her head."
"If it doesn't bother her, why should it bother you?" Davy asked.
"Do you remember where I put that button?"
"In her hat." Micky nodded.
"And, if she's wearing that hat when she lands on her head, what will she also land on?"
"The Button!" the Monkees cried in unison-- and in alarm.
"Stop that act!" Mike shouted, racing toward the main tent, with Micky, Peter, and Davy at his heels.
The Monkees entered the tent and halted. The crowd cheered.
Davy bowed.
"I think they're cheering that elephant that's standing on its nose," Micky said to him.
"I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to take a chance on offending then if they were cheering me," Davy explained. "You know, an elephant standing on its nose isn't so great. I do the same thing every time I pack."
"You stand on your nose?"
"On my trunk," Davy explained. "I have to, to get it closed. I always pack too much."
"Ladeeees and gentlemen-- and children of all ages!" the ringmaster bellowed, standing in the middle of the center ring. "I now direct your attention to the catapult!"
The crowd-- and the Monkees-- looked toward the far end of the tent. A lady midget, who was wearing a funny hat that looked a lot like a flower pot, was being lifted up to a catapult.
"Stop! You know not what you do!" Mike called out.
"Look, Mommy! There are the monkeys!" A little boy pointed.
The Monkees strolled over to the box where the youngster and his mother were seated.
"Lady, could you do something about your son's spelling?" Mike begged.
"Yes, he's liable to pull that line sometime when we're right in the middle of a crisis situation," Micky said.
"And if we're distracted," Davy pointed out, "we may fail to resolve that crisis in the nick of time."
"Do you think the cavalry would have ever arrived in time," Peter asked, "if your son had been around shouting. 'Look, Mommy! There's the calvary'?"
"Every fort in the West would have fallen to the savage Indians," Mike said.
"Nonsense!" the woman said huffily. "India is thousands and thousands of miles away."
"Well, now we know where the kid learned to misspell," Mike said to the others. He suddenly scowled. "And, speaking of misspelling, weren't we in the middle of a cry-sis situation?"
"May I have your attention!" the ringmaster bellowed crankily. "Ladeeees and gentlemen and children of all ages-- the main attraction of the afternoon! Our brave little lady midget will now be catapulted from the catapult! She will travel the entire length of the tent and then land squarely on her head!"
"I knew there was something we had to do!" Mike said.
"I think we're too late," Peter said. "We'd better leave it to the calvary."
"May I have a drum roll!" the ringmaster shouted.
From the band came a loud drum roll.
"Stop!" Micky cried frantically, rushing up to the bandstand.
"I can't hear you over this drumroll!" the drummer shouted back.
"At the count of ten!" the ringmaster bellowed. "One...two...."
The Monkees ran toward the catapult.
"Three...four...five..." the ringmaster counted.
The Monkees reached the catapult.
"Take off your hat!" Mike shouted up to the lady midget.
"Why? Is the flag passing by?" she shouted back.
"Six...seven...eight...."
"Don't land on your head!" Micky pleaded.
"Ah, you're worried about my brains." The lady midget smiled. "Don't worry boy. If I had any brains I wouldn't be doing this act."
"Nine...ten!" the ringmaster counted.
The catapult fired. The lady midget went sailing high into the air.
"To the other end of the tent!" Mike shouted. "We'll catch her when she comes down!"
The Monkees dashed back across the three rings. When they reached the far ring, they stopped and, arms outstretched, waited for the lady midget to come down.
"Doesn't she look a little different?" Davy said.
"It's probably because she isn't wearing that funny-looking hat," Peter guessed.
"Her hat!" Mike groaned. "She lost it in mid-air! It's coming down in the center ring!"
The Monkees raced back to the middle ring. They stood under the hat, waiting for it to reach them.
"Dog take it! There you-all are!" a voice shouted. "And there's that dingdongy hat, too!"
King Hiram and Smith had just entered the tent.
"How'd you find us?" Micky asked. "You're supposed to be checking the sideshows."
"We heard some kid yell, 'Look, Mommy! There are the monkeys,'" Smith replied. "And we took a chance on it being a misspelling."
At that moment, the hat settled into Mike's arms. "Got it!" he cried. "Let's go!"
"Get it!" the king shouted to Smith. "Let's go!"
The Monkees began galloping around the center ring with King Hiram and H.P.I. Smith in hot pursuit.
"Ladeeees and gentlemen and children of all ages!" the ringmaster bellowed. "I direct your attention to the middle ring!"
"Could you hold it down a little?" Mike asked the ringmaster as he passed. "This is supposed to be a secret mission we're on."
The lady midget-- who landed on her head in the far ring and had then made her way back to the center ring to find out what all the commotion was about-- now got into the act.
"Stop, thief!" she shouted, racing after the king and Smith, who were racing after the Monkees.
"Madame! Are you addressing the king?" Smith asked indignantly.
"I was yellin' at that one in front," she replied. "You was supposed to pass it on."
Smith tapped the king on the shoulder. "Stop, thief! Pass it on," he said.
Obligingly, the king passed the message on. It soon reached Mike, who, by that time, had nearly caught up with the lady midget.
"Stop, thief!" Mike shouted.
The lady midget halted.
Mike tripped over her. Peter fell over Mike. Davy fell over Peter. Micky fell over Davy. King Hiram fell over Micky. Smith fell over King Hiram.
The ringmaster ran around the ring shouting to the crowd. "Don't look! Don't look!" he begged. "Give us another chance!"
"Boo! Boo!" the crowd shouted back.
"Here come the clowns!" the ringmaster announced, signaling frantically. "Everybody watch the clowns!"
A tiny stagecoach pulled by six tiny horses came thundering into the center ring, raising a huge cloud of dust. Clowns began piling out of it. One clown, two clowns, three clowns, four clowns. Each clown was approximately six feet tall-- three feet taller then the stagecoach.
A Monkee suddenly appeared from the cloud of dust. It was Mike! Still carrying the hat, he resumed the race around the ring, followed by Peter, followed by Davy, followed by Micky, followed by King Hiram, followed by Smith, followed by the lady midget.
"Say, did you notice anything peculiar about that tiny stagecoach?" Mike said to Peter.
"Shhh-- I'm counting clowns," Peter replied.
"I'll save you the time," Micky said. "There are fifty-seven of them."
"Thanks," Peter said. Then, addressing Mike, he asked, "Now, what was it you were saying?"
"I asked you if you noticed anything peculiar about that stagecoach."
"You mean that tiny stagecoach that looks like it would hold about three lady midgets, at the outside, and that fifty-seven six-foot clowns got out of? No... what about it?"
"Oh, nothing too exciting," Mike replied. "But it sure raised a big cloud of dust for a little stagecoach like that. I thought that was a little peculiar."
"Maybe it just tries harder," Peter suggested.
"You know, there's one thing that's occurred to me," Davy said. "If that tiny stagecoach holds fifity-seven six-foot clowns, it ought to hold four Monkees, don't you think?"
"I'll try to work that out," Micky said, beginning to count on his fingers.
"Even if it doesn't work, it's better than racing around this ring," Mike said. "Next time around-- everybody into the stagecoach."
"The king and Smith, too?" Peter asked. "Should I pass it on?"
Mike shook his head. "If we invited them, the lady midget would want to come too. It'd just be too crowded."
A half-turn later, the Monkees reached the stagecoach. Ducking down, they climbed in. Micky, the last one in, slammed the door.
"Giddyap!" Mike called to the tiny horses.
The horses leaped forward. They galloped from the tiny ring, galloped through the exit, and galloped toward the main highway.
"It's a little cramped in here," Mike commented. "Who's sitting on my neck?"
"That's not your neck-- that's my leg," Davy replied.
"Can anybody see where we're going?" Micky asked.
"So far, so good," Peter replied. "We're right behind the horses."
"If I remember my Western movies," Mike said, "somebody ought to be steering."
"There's no steering wheel," Davy reported.
"Look for reins," Micky suggested.
"It's okay. I've got 'em!" Peter said.
"Try again," Mike said. "You've got my shoelaces."
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3
Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6
Chapter 9 / Chapter 10
