Hey peoples... Let me tell you, I've had the suckiest week ever. I went off for a week and my.. um.. "female friend" went off for a week, well now a week and 4 days. I was talking to her on the phone and I believe I heard the most devastating words in my life..
"Let's just be friends"

About an hour later and the tears still continue to roll off my face. I tried laying in my room but everything in there reminds me of her, mostly because there pictures of her everywhere in my room and a card that meant alot. Now I lie here in the guest bed, wondering what can go wrong next? Me committing suicide? Ha! That might be a good thing. I can't do that because I didn't make a promise to her, but because she doesn't want me to, I believe I'll try not to. Maybe I can "accidently" fall on some glass, I know a guy who tried it, would've died too if the ambulance wouldn't have been a few streets over. Ah, stupid tear! Get off my nose! Sorry, just talking to myself again. I care about her too much let go. She says let's just be best friends, but I know that most of the time that deosn't work out like planned. So I'm just going ahead and trying my hardest to let go. So I close eyes and loosen my grip that I've had a hold of for 2 months and 19 days now.. So I open my eyes and to my surprise I look at my hands and they're still grasping tightly. Why can't I let go? I know that even if I do, I will still have a five-fingered hold. That may not seem like a lot but how many fingers you have? I was mad at her, now I regret. I wouldn't talk because I was mad, and now still I am the one not to speak. Just shedding my tears. I was because she broke a promise, mostly because she's damaging herself yet she may not realize it. Now it only seems like harmless fun but it can turn into something more serious, that is why I beg her to not do so. She says she cares, I want to believe so badly, I still have some doubt. So many thoughts, such a small mind. Some things I try to see just make me feel blind.

I only ask her not to because I care. Oh, but it's just one time... That leads to one more time and one more. That's how people get addicted. She could have a great future ahead of her with or without me in it, whatever happens I want the best for her. I don't want her to throw all her possibilities away. Please Lord, just let her see.. I can't do a thing but just sit here and cry. I guess some fluids have built up since I stopped, now they reach my lip. I can see the flames my eyes are burning, but the water just helps out the cause. And 10 minutes later someone turns the fauscet off.. Now I'm sitting thinking of all the promises I made but only a few come to my mind.

These thoughts of mine might sound messed up but the more I think the more I come up with. I don't know, that could be my mind messing with me.. Like it always does, filling my head full of lies..

So full of thoughts, so full of confusion, I don't know what to think anymore. The tone we speak is totally different so dark, so grim. I miss the cheerfulness in her voice. I do believe I made the right choice. Now that I've found her I never want to seek again. My heart found the right one now just to wait and see what else can be done. I know everytime I look at her I'll think of the good times, when I could just put my arm around her, now I have to just sit back and stare at what I had. I want to touch so bad what I wish was mine, if only things could go back in time. It all was there before it seemed so perfect, then this dreadful week came and vanished before me faster than it appeared. What the future holds God only knows. Maybe my wishes will be granted..

Superman has found his Kryptonite.

The next day after a lil bit of sleep and I can't even put on clothes.. Everything I have reminds me of a moment with her.. The shaking of my bones is still there, quivering with every movement I make. I sat and cried again at 6:30 this morning, my mom seen my tears. Being friends just doesn't seem like enough, but she feels she needs to be alone so I guess I'll let her be. She seems to be having fun, but my heart full of sorrow. Not so much because of the break-up. For the fact I hate to see her throw her life away, I just wish she could see.. She is so perfect, yet wrong. Everything comes with a consequence, I don't want her to pay.
Who knows what the future holds.. We talked today, she cried, I cried, we shared our tears. She is not ready for a lond term relationship. I don't understand.. I really don't. One week she tells me I'm the one she wants to be with, the next it's over. So confused, so torn apart. I hope no one ever has to bear the pain I feel. Though I try to hide it, I still mope. Walking around aimlessly like a lost puppy that was just dumped out with no one to claim its own. Only has friends to run the streets with, but with no one to care. When a stray finds a home it's still afraid, of being hurt again. It puts up a shield of how close to let the claimer get, that's how I feel now.

(June 1st) Whatever is going on, I want to know, for the good or for the worse. But how can it get any worse? Again the rain starts to fall from my eyes. How good it was before she left. Serious as can be, we talked about living together and how many kids to have. Only later in life, of coarse. She tells me one thing but does another, that hurts most of all. The friendship we had can never be the same, everytime I look at her now I cry.. For all she meant to me and now she is gone.. Now she needs time to think. I do too... I don't like this whole thing. In a sense I feel used.. She got me attached and just walked out. Before she left I wrote a note, I stated she was in where no one has been before (Deep inside my heart) then asked her "Please don't step back out". Approximately 1 week and 3 days go by and she steps out.. But for 2 months and 16 days, I was the happiest man alive..

Tonight (June 1st) I went to see Bruce Almighty with a best friend, to get my mind off things. I haven't laughed so hard in so long.. but the ending just made all my emotions come running back to me. Tonight she told me she just needed time to think, to clear her mind. I should be mad at myself for thinking things would last, when this little voice in the back of my head kept telling me she wasn't ready. Once again, I ignored.. I only wish I would listen to myself when I speak, instead of ignoring for the full pleasure at the time but then turns to mourn.

(June 2) Today I went to take my exams and pick up het stuff. I couldn't because she had to sign a form. her Grandma brought her. I was toward the end of my history exam when she walked through the door, I seen her face and had to fight off my tears. I missed the last 10 questions and failed the exam because I was so nervous. I went to walk with her to het her report card. Outside the doors we hugged for a while, it felt so ever good to hold her. As much as I tried not to, I cried, right in front of her I cried. The only person to ever see me cry besides my mother. After a few moments of sniffling, I stared into her eyes. I wanted to kiss her, she wanted me to kiss. I could tell by looking into those oh-so-beautiful eyes. I couldn't, it felt wrong. I wanted to so bad, I felt I shouldn't touch what isn't mine. I know we stepped into the relationship too fast, I only did the ethings because I thought she wanted me to. I would do anything she wanted. I thought we would be together forever, that's why I started caring as much as I did. I wish I would've known earlier so I wouldn't get attached and be the sad person I am now. I can only look at pictures of her only, the ones with me just bring memories and tears. But now at 2:15AM I'll try and get some sleep. Maybe I won't have to fall asleep with water in my eyes.