You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different Night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen start your engines.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle..

Bikers back down from your mama opening a beer bottle.

Your bicycle has a gun rack.

After removing the empty beer cans from your car you find you get fifteen more miles to the gallon.

Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.

You come back from the dump with more than you took to it.

Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.

Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with your armpit.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You are allowed to bring your dog to work.

You actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has a opening on the lube rack.

The neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You've ever vacationed in a rest area.

You hold a frog and it worries about getting warts.

You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.

You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.

You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

The Orkin man tells you "Give up you've lost".

You think paprika is a third-world country.

You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".

People hunt in your front yard.

Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.

Going to the bathroom in the of middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight.

You can take your bra off while driving.

You have more than 10 ceramicle statues in your front yard.

You can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells".

You give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.

People are scared to touch your bathrobe.

You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree at the corner.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

If your letter from mom reads like this one:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home,...so we moved.

I wont be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address, wish I would have thought of that.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with those heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle, yet.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some of the men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for about 3 days.

Three of your friends when off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down in time.

Not much more news this time, nothing much happened.

Love, Mom.