We have no time to train you.

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple

of the daring guys wear earrings.

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some overtime each night and some overtime each weekend.

Everyone in the office can boss you around.

We have no quality control.

Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who

provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by

getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and

drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an

18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who

"totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally

jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he

had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers

said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the

wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom

Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet

of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their

hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of

Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.. It took rescue workers

using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200

people looked on.. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA,

as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was

burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had

placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base

of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick

Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet

Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could

not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,

Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a

revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the

trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont , Daniel

Kolta,27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus

earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their

snowmobiles.

8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near

Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked

the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a

rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,

fracturing his skull.

2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean

out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of

a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second

floors of his house.

3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in

September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a

quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car . While driving

around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to

toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they

apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an

annual festival in November includes five days of amateur

bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors

were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.

Said one participant, "It's just one bull against ¢a town of! a

thousand Morons."

1) Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.

Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying

masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash

and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran

suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of

her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her

husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a

good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure

why I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I

didn't think anyone would see Besides, it couldn't have been for

more than two seconds ". However, cab driver Vegas did see and

lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner

of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental

technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab

against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's

gums with a cleaning pick.. In shock, he bit down, severing two

fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a

falling piece of the medical building.

2) TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after

eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad

she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had

poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and

confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the

inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the

foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was

wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting

foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks

away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,

throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3) La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from

a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.

"My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He

must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped

against the dog and sat down right on the thing " The extraction

took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr

Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real

trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony

just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself Three

times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made

jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we

finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in

there".

4) TACOMA, WA -Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with

several friends when one of them said they knew a person who

had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the

middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least

10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon

arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one

had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,

volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay

nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg

and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet

before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He

miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was

rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,

"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just

no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

5) BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily,

were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested

spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their

Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began

tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey

commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of

perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and

Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing

away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in

the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her

wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler

"Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight

hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned

out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must

have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound.

Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the

dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal It's really a very stringy

piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining

the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control

has no plans to seize Rudy.

(# 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother

decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid

of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the

explosive equivalent of one-tenth stick of dynamite. They

ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind

a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of

the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating

Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to

go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was

stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either

brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute

to the hospital.

(# 2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female

companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in

Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car

crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a

level crossing (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side

of a barn!). The vehicle became wedged between the second last and

last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the

train carried more than a kilometer and a half, they approached an

unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said.

Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a

pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came

to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with

minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help.

But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the

spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was

recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.

(# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in

Minneapolis with third- degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin,

Kenneth E.Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game

of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the

more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

(# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male

choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an

exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going

to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He

was really drunk."

(# 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont.,

Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision,

thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with

their snowmobiles.

(# 6) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at

the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to

see if it would protecte him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the

25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the

Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

(# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when

he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall

cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the

rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his

clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped

and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut

through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he

plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made

him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind

fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

(# 8) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton,

Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably

his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no

previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices

as listed below:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a

substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed

handguns in public places.

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police

patrol car parked at the front door.

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,

having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the

would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from

the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but

didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)

Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the

"stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The

intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to

extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm,

torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.

In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a

container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and,

startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and poisonous snake

immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the

wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several

friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped

from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation

grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the

bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they

discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who

had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of

lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured

around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His

fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot

off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid

waters of the Tacoma Narrows and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.

"All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on

that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed

foot was never located.

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer

and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by

Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was

wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and,

despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal

escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet

away from Mr.Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr.

Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe,

intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful

attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon

fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no

avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr.

Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the

sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding

fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a

much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a

Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph

McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home,

right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.

In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a

Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,

"followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor

injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when

they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again

if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+

dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets hold of his friend and they go do

some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are

frozen.

These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of

course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks,

something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to

make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly

down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole

drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a

short, 40 second fuse.

Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place

the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are

standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the

ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with

the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw

the dynamite which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer,

the guns AND THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for

retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and

gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms

and wondering what the hell to do now.

The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments

before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's

now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights

than ever before.

Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before

this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8

duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog

stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this

time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared,

thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find

cover, with the now really short, short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some

thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.

BOOM !

Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+

monthly payment vehicle sinks to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2

candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I

can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him

that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and

asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and

asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun

and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly

provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill

on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen

dollars. ¢ If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?!

Florida: ¢ Uh, pardon our English! A thief burst into the bank one day

wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief

yelled, FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FxxK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was

silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It

probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun.

He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away

and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on

the wall engraved "Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that

he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,

and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the

window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,

knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of

Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her

purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give

them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had

apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the detailed

description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher.

They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a

positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer... that's her. That's the lady I

stole the purse from."

Seattle : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Newark : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into

a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded

cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash

register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said

they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a

chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling

the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their

truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still

attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With

their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

With a Little Help from Our Friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a

gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas

canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,

shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced

him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then

proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension

under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey

Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for

giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann

reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that

destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly

installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last

year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole

installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last

year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole

my new security system..."

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46

teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the

money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up

the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police

showed up and grabbed him.

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough

to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to

the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their

"next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted

deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible

Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.

Trips to the moon also available."

Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with

over six million dollars...

Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an

MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too

many business grads out there,"

he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have

happened..."

Did I Say That?!

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just

couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each

man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"

the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack

designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The

robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was

running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said

police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his

pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the

doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a

Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger

to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his

pocket.

An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways

from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven

thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of

Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow.

The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.

MMM Good!

An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed

round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people

were taken to hospital for treatment.

Duh...

An Indian man who eight months ago decided to spend his life in a tree

has died. He fell out of it.

Time to stop drinkin' hic!

Following a drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki

passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows

as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and

glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.

Did she eat at White Castle?

An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely

when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was

undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an

unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.

OUCH!

A 20-year-old man was given a concrete enema by his mischievous

lover. Surgeons had to meticulously remove the cast which, of course

formed the shape of a rectum, perfect in every respect except for the

imprint of a ping-pong ball which was apparently used to retain the

enema.

Pewwww!

The Cinnamon family from Washington were surprised when several

ball-sized chunks of green ice crashed through their roof and landed on

the floor beside them. The ice soon melted, giving off a revolting

odour. The Cinnamons were not happy to later discover that the ice was

frozen human waste from the leaky sewage system of a passenger jet.

Oh, my gosh!

Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone

system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing

message to 'Hello, you fat bastard!'

Umm...

The defence in an Irish murder trial hung on whether the accused,

Thomas McGann, could draw a gun from his pocket without shooting

himself. Demonstrating in court, his lawyer shot his own foot, and died

12 hours later. McGann, however, was acquitted.

Eat the evidence?

Police in France are looking for a man who has been robbing banks

dressed as a giant aubergine. During an armed robbery in Marseilles, he

was asked by the manager 'Are you serious?', to which he replied 'No, I

am an aubergine', and fired a shot. The man escaped with the cash

leaving a real aubergine on the counter.

Could be a commercial?

In April 1993, suspected drug dealer Alfred Acree tried to evade capture

in Charles County, Virginia, by running into a wood. The police had no

trouble following him because he was wearing a pair of 'Light Gear'

trainers, with battery - powered lights that flash when the heel is

pressed.

Ouch again.

During a 'smash and grab' on a Zurich jeweller in October 1980, a thief

had his finger cut off by broken glass as he grabbed a tray of rings.

The police identified the finger from their fingerprint records and

arrested the thief within a few hours.

Tiny The Turtle!

In Ireland, a man staggered into the emergency room of Belfast Hospital

with a wind-up turtle attached to his testicles, explaining that his

young son had dropped the toy into his bath. "A mechanical joint

connected to his tender bits and jammed solid," a nurse said.

When a crook decided to steal the central heating system from an empty

house in Fulham, he removed a pipe connected to the gas supply, then lit

a match so that he could see. Although the house exploded, he

continued with the job and even returned the next day, only to be

arrested.

A totally wrecked cream-coloured Ford Orion was found at the bottom of

a 100 foot cliff face near Scarborough in North Yorkshire early on the

morning of 22nd June. It was thought to have left the road at a sharp

bend between Osgodby and Cayton. There was no sign of the driver,

but a pile of human excrement was found in the driver's seat.

Scarborough Eve News, 24 June 1996.

So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following

excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to

"Press Return Key"

because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse

was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out

to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man

complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files

from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and

heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the

customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the

typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective

diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer

along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled

floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked

the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down,

getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his

computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,

the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of

paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting

the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so

a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got

me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead

was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for

me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard

no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with

soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing

all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was

enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an

invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"

and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't

get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer

was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she

pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on

this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out

to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her

brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the

unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for

something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed

the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty

period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because

I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,

at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?

Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a

promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted

then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-profit organization.

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.