True Stories but sometimes way too funny!
(Heard ya giggle! Shame on you!)
This Really Happened? Oh my gosh! (NEW!)
Even More Darwin Awards, Hunters Beware!
Last Revised: Nov. 1998
What the Company Really Means:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple
of the daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some overtime each night and some overtime each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Everyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER MINDED:"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Darwin Awards 1998
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who
provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by
getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally
jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers
said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the
wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom
Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet
of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their
hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.. It took rescue workers
using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200
people looked on.. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA,
as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base
of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick
Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet
Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could
not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a
revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont , Daniel
Kolta,27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
Ozark, Ark, after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1) In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
fracturing his skull.
2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of
a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.
3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a
quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car . While driving
around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to
toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they
apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an
annual festival in November includes five days of amateur
bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors
were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.
Said one participant, "It's just one bull against ¢a town of! a
thousand Morons."
SOME MORE ALSO ClOSE WINNERS
1) Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying
masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash
and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran
suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of
her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her
husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a
good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure
why I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so I
didn't think anyone would see Besides, it couldn't have been for
more than two seconds ". However, cab driver Vegas did see and
lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner
of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental
technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab
against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's
gums with a cleaning pick.. In shock, he bit down, severing two
fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a
falling piece of the medical building.
2) TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison control center after
eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad
she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had
poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and
confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the
inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the
foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was
wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting
foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks
away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,
throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3) La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from
a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.
"My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He
must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped
against the dog and sat down right on the thing " The extraction
took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr
Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real
trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony
just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself Three
times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made
jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we
finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in
there".
4) TACOMA, WA -Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with
several friends when one of them said they knew a person who
had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the
middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg
and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet
before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just
no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
5) BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily,
were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested
spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their
Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began
tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey
commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of
perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and
Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing
away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in
the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her
wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler
"Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight
hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned
out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must
have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound.
Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the
dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal It's really a very stringy
piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining
the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal Control
has no plans to seize Rudy.
(# 1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother
decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid
of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the
explosive equivalent of one-tenth stick of dynamite. They
ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind
a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of
the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating
Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to
go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was
stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either
brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute
to the hospital.
(# 2) A Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female
companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in
Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car
crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a
level crossing (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side
of a barn!). The vehicle became wedged between the second last and
last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the
train carried more than a kilometer and a half, they approached an
unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said.
Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a
pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came
to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with
minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help.
But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the
spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was
recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
(# 3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in
Minneapolis with third- degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin,
Kenneth E.Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game
of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the
more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
(# 4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male
choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an
exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going
to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He
was really drunk."
(# 5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont.,
Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision,
thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with
their snowmobiles.
(# 6) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at
the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to
see if it would protecte him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the
25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the
Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
(# 7) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when
he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall
cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the
rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his
clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped
and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut
through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he
plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made
him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind
fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
(# 8) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton,
Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably
his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no
previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices
as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from
the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but
didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)
Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the
"stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The
intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to
extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm,
torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.
In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a
container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and,
startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and poisonous snake
immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the
wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several
friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped
from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation
grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who
had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot
off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid
waters of the Tacoma Narrows and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
"All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on
that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed
foot was never located.
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer
and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by
Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was
wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and,
despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal
escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet
away from Mr.Michaels' deck. Determined to terminate the animal, Mr.
Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe,
intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful
attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon
fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no
avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr.
Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the
sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding
fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a
much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a
Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph
McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home,
right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.
In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a
Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,
"followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor
injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when
they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again
if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
A word of caution for you hunters:
Darwin award candidate
Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+
dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets hold of his friend and they go do
some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are
frozen.
These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of
course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks,
something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to
make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly
down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole
drill.
Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a
short, 40 second fuse.
Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place
the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are
standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the
ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with
the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw
the dynamite which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer,
the guns AND THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for
retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and
gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms
and wondering what the hell to do now.
The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments
before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's
now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights
than ever before.
Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before
this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8
duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this
time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared,
thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find
cover, with the now really short, short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.
The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some
thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.
BOOM !
Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+
monthly payment vehicle sinks to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2
candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I
can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him
that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.
He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.
I felt pretty sorry for the dog myself.
True "Dumb Robber" Stories
More Right to remain stupid stories...
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
dollars. ¢ If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?!
Florida: ¢ Uh, pardon our English! A thief burst into the bank one day
wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief
yelled, FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FxxK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was
silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It
probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun.
He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away
and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on
the wall engraved "Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer... that's her. That's the lady I
stole the purse from."
Seattle : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Newark : A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Ann Arbor : The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling
the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their
truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Who's lacking intelligence...?
With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey
Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for
giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last
year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole
installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last
year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole
my new security system..."
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up
the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough
to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to
the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their
"next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted
deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible
Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views.
Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with
over six million dollars...
Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an
MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too
many business grads out there,"
he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have
happened..."
Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot,"
the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack
designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was
running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said
police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his
pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.
More True (?) Stories
Oh Cool Mommy
!An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways
from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven
thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of
Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow.
The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.
MMM Good!
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed
round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people
were taken to hospital for treatment.
Duh...
An Indian man who eight months ago decided to spend his life in a tree
has died. He fell out of it.
Time to stop drinkin' hic!
Following a drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki
passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows
as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and
glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
Did she eat at White Castle?
An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely
when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was
undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an
unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.
OUCH!
A 20-year-old man was given a concrete enema by his mischievous
lover. Surgeons had to meticulously remove the cast which, of course
formed the shape of a rectum, perfect in every respect except for the
imprint of a ping-pong ball which was apparently used to retain the
enema.
Pewwww!
The Cinnamon family from Washington were surprised when several
ball-sized chunks of green ice crashed through their roof and landed on
the floor beside them. The ice soon melted, giving off a revolting
odour. The Cinnamons were not happy to later discover that the ice was
frozen human waste from the leaky sewage system of a passenger jet.
Oh, my gosh!
Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the telephone
system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing
message to 'Hello, you fat bastard!'
Umm...
The defence in an Irish murder trial hung on whether the accused,
Thomas McGann, could draw a gun from his pocket without shooting
himself. Demonstrating in court, his lawyer shot his own foot, and died
12 hours later. McGann, however, was acquitted.
Eat the evidence?
Police in France are looking for a man who has been robbing banks
dressed as a giant aubergine. During an armed robbery in Marseilles, he
was asked by the manager 'Are you serious?', to which he replied 'No, I
am an aubergine', and fired a shot. The man escaped with the cash
leaving a real aubergine on the counter.
Could be a commercial?
In April 1993, suspected drug dealer Alfred Acree tried to evade capture
in Charles County, Virginia, by running into a wood. The police had no
trouble following him because he was wearing a pair of 'Light Gear'
trainers, with battery - powered lights that flash when the heel is
pressed.
Ouch again.
During a 'smash and grab' on a Zurich jeweller in October 1980, a thief
had his finger cut off by broken glass as he grabbed a tray of rings.
The police identified the finger from their fingerprint records and
arrested the thief within a few hours.
Tiny The Turtle!
In Ireland, a man staggered into the emergency room of Belfast Hospital
with a wind-up turtle attached to his testicles, explaining that his
young son had dropped the toy into his bath. "A mechanical joint
connected to his tender bits and jammed solid," a nurse said.
When a crook decided to steal the central heating system from an empty
house in Fulham, he removed a pipe connected to the gas supply, then lit
a match so that he could see. Although the house exploded, he
continued with the job and even returned the next day, only to be
arrested.
Whats the brown stuff?
A totally wrecked cream-coloured Ford Orion was found at the bottom of
a 100 foot cliff face near Scarborough in North Yorkshire early on the
morning of 22nd June. It was thought to have left the road at a sharp
bend between Osgodby and Cayton. There was no sign of the driver,
but a pile of human excrement was found in the driver's seat.
Scarborough Eve News, 24 June 1996.
So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following
excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key"
because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files
from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and
heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the
customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down,
getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,
the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting
the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so
a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got
me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing
all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"
and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
BASIC TRUTHS
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted
then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.