The Female Handbook

This document is a manual to girls. Girls can be very complicated they will try to trick you with loaded questions, give you guilt trips, and try to control your life. If you are having a problem with your girlfriend, do not be an idiot; consult this manual before you make any decision. I believe I can speak for all guys when saying; Girls are one of the most dangerous things in this world, they may seem nice and sweet, but they come straight from the devil. They are manipulative, unpredictable, and downright insane. The problem is, all guys, ok, most guys love girls, not for their minds of course, but for their sweet sweet bodies, but girls are tricky, you can not trust them, they are evil temptresses. This manual will give guys all over G-Prep and possibly all over the world the upper hand. Contained in this handbook is every low down trick a girl will try to pull. Do not be fooled though my friends, the opposite sex is not stupid, they will most likely come up with new tricks to get us with, but for now, this is your weapon to combat their evil, good luck.

If your girlfriend says that it is ok that you go out with your friends, do not go out with them. This is a way for girls to make us look like assholes.
Never talk behind your girlfriend’s back, she will find out.
Never talk about an ex-girlfriend around your current girlfriend.
Never compare your girlfriend to an ex-girlfriend.
Do not let her drink at parties, she will make a fool out of herself. Beer and girlfriends do not mix.
If you want to go out with your friends, make sure you make the plans three weeks ahead of time.
The day after you go out with your friends, make sure that you have a legitimate story to back yourself up with.
Never go out with a girl for more than five months, or else she will run your life.
If your girl ever asks you "If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?" the answer always is "Nothing sweetheart, you’re perfect."
If your girlfriend asks you to attend youth group with her, always politely decline. Remember, girls and religion do not mix.
If your girlfriend asks you "Do I look fat in this outfit?" the answer is always, "No, you look great" or "You have got to be kidding me, you look absolutely stunning."
Always kiss your girlfriends parents asses.
If your girlfriend asks you over for dinner with her parents, always say yes, and try to look excited about it.
If your girlfriend asks you what your fantasies are, never say "to be with two girls at one time." it will never happen. It is a fantasy and now she’s pissed off.
No matter how many fights you get in, or what the fight is about, always apologize, it is always your fault. I repeat, IT IS ALWAYS YOUR FAULT!!!!
There is no such thing as a high maintenance girlfriend; all girls are high maintenance.
Never have sex with your girlfriend after you break up with her. No matter what you think, you are back together with her.
Never get back together with your girlfriend after you break up, it will not work out, and you’re sure as hell not going to marry her, so why waste your time.
If you ever cheat on your girlfriend, and she asks you if you ever have cheated, YOU MUST LIE!!!!
If she ever asks you any question and tells you to answer honestly, and the truth will get you into trouble, YOU MUST LIE!!!!
If your girlfriend catches you in a lie, and you know your caught. Do not get defensive, you’re busted just come clean.
If you cheat on your girlfriend there are three things you must do: 1. Do not tell any other girl, it will get back to your girlfriend. 2. Make sure the girl you got on does not go to the same school as your girlfriend. 3. Do not push your luck, never cheat twice.
When you buy her flowers never buy a dozen, always buy the half-dozen, it’s cheaper, and it doesn’t make you look desperate.
Never ask her for gas money.
On your first date, do not try to act like a bad ass, you will just end up making a jerk of your self.
Girls love cologne.
Wash your hair.
Change your pants every three days. (This does not mean you have to wash them, just let the girl think you do.)
Never make fun of their music; no matter how much is sucks.
If you are talking to your girlfriend on the phone and there are a lot of uncomfortable silences, you have done something wrong. Apologize to her and act like you know what you have done, you will eventually find out. Use lines like "look, I’m sorry I’m such a jerk" or "I know I was wrong, sometimes I act like a jerk and I don’t know why."
Never tell your girlfriend another girl is hot. First she will be mad at you and think that you are going to dump her for that girl. Once she gets over that, if you ever see one of the girls when you are with her, do not look at her, look the other way. If she sees that you are looking, you are fucked. Your hand will be your best friend for at least a week.
If your girlfriend asks you if the sex is ok, always say, "yes, it’s amazing, I’ve never had better." Remember bad sex is always better than no sex.
Never go out with one of your ex-girlfriends friends; this is one of the biggest mistakes a guy can make.
If you are having an argument with her and you are 100% positive you are right, just give up, you are wasting your breath, let her win because you never will. YOU ARE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT!!!!
Apologize Daily. (It doesn’t matter what for.)
Never go out with Eva. (Just ask John, or look at Karol)
Never go out with a girl whose friends you hate.
Clean underwear everyday, no exceptions.
Always, always, always jerk off before a date, and then wash your hands.
If she asks you if you masturbate, always say no.
If she asks you when the last time you masturbated was, always say the summer before junior year.
If you ask her if she masturbates and she says no, do not insist that she does. (Even though all girls really do.)
Never tell her friends something in confidence, she will find out.
If she asks you if you ever watch porn the answer is always, "I don’t need to when I have you, besides that stuff is gross," or "Yeah right, I haven’t watched that crap since eighth grade."
Never ask her if it’s a good size. As long as she has sex with you, you don’t really need to know.
If she is in a bad mood, never assume she is on her period. Assumption is the mother of all fuckers.
Never criticize your girlfriend’s blowjobs. Remember her teeth are right next to your cock.
Never go out with Debi. Your head will hurt. Debi and brains do not mix besides how smart could she be when she spells her name D-e-b-i.
If your girlfriend asks what part of her body is the sexiest, you are trapped, the question is loaded. If you say any one part, she’ll question "what’s wrong with the other ones?" The perfect answer is "Every part of you is sexy, why make me choose, I love you."
If your girlfriend asks you which is more important, mind or body, you are trapped, either do not answer, or come up with something witty like "I think that brains are just as important as looks, that’s why I’m with you."
Never make fun of your girlfriend’s friends.
If a girl insists on paying for something, do not let her, you will never hear the end of it.
Never make fun of ugly girls because they will probably be hot later in life.

There you have it, everything you need to know about girls. This text is for educational purposes only and is not for sale. If anyone has a problem with what is written her I encourage them to come and talk to me about it instead of going to the G-Prep faculty. This text is meant to be a joke and is written in a lighthearted manner, if you are offended, lighten up.