REGRET
by : Siew Lee
The cold breeze blew across the plains of Ningenkai, far and wide it covered the nature enriched lands. It moved upward to a hill as I stood there, unmovingly. I raised up my head and looked at the beautiful scenery set before me; birds were chirping so happily, yet there was a hollow emptiness in my sorrow heart. Why?
I sat down on the green grass and sighed melancholily. Even the constantly warm and soothing sunlight didn't at least calmed my soul, in fact, it even aggravated my emotional turmoils. I didn't know what to do about it. Life was so difficult without him.
I would never admit it in front of anybody, but I can't hide away from the truth forever. It was so obvious in the midst of my troubled heart, I... I missed him. It was so bleak in this world, until he came by, bringing a candle of hope. That time, I was a ruthless and hardhearted thief, never once looking back to feel for others. Maybe I really had a heart of stone in the past.
But fate had finally closed its unforgiving clench on my best friend. He had miscounted decades ago. He shouldn't had just went into the body of a normal human, I guess he never knew that normal humans can't support souls of youkai that easily. They can't support souls forever, the body will somehow age and die; but he had never once regretted what he had done. He told me once that he shall always be grateful to his human mother, Shiori; and he would do anything to protect her. That time, I hadn't comprehended why he said that; but now, I understood. Losing a loved one was always that painful.
Humans couldn't live forever, yet they seemed to be living in a perfect world. Life was just so cold and hard for me, until this friend stepped into my life. Human nature was so difficult for me to comprehend, so diverse, yet so similar at times. He was so cold-blooded last time, unblinking when he slaughtered innocents; but now, as Shuichi Minamino, he had changed totally. I knew he would do anything just to protect his human mother, just then, I felt pangs of jealousy when he did that. Why? I used to ask myself.
I had once asked him, whether he regretted about being human this life. He answered me no. He will never regret whatever he had done and he will never look back. Was the power of love that mighty? I wished I had tasted it myself, but now I simply didn't had the chance.
Gently, I fingered the red rose in my hands. He had always loved roses, so red and daring. I looked at it yearningly, how could humans get attracted by something that easily? I had never understood this point. When he was alive, I had never once told him that what I felt for him; but he was dead now. When he was still in this wonderful world, I was so cold and detached to him, yet he stood by me, always ready to help me, listen to me. I had never appreciated him truly. What can I do now? Nothing. It was a regret.
I closed my eyes, letting the cool breeze carry away my troubles. Images of him still swam in my mind, questioning my conscience for what I had done. Did I treat him like a friend? I knew he always wanted to be my lover, but I so oblivious to his advances. All had began to get clearer now. That look, that light in his eyes when he looked at me was so passionate, but I had never paid any attention to that. I guess he must had waited for me for nearly an eternity.
I could still remember vividly how he died. True, humans could never escape from Death, but his expression at his deathbed was calm, as if he had knew it all along. I stood there, watching his life drain away bit by bit. That helpless feeling in my chest was agonizing and painful. When his eyelids slid shut, I felt that the entire world had fell on me. My best friend was dead! That acute sensation in my heart was so alien, as I had never tasted a death of a loved one. But I had felt it, that one lonely night.
Sub-consciously, a tear rolled down from the corner of my eye. I reached up and wiped it away with the back of my hand. One question still lingered on my mind, but I had always avoided it. Maybe I never wanted to answer it. Maybe time had came for me to face the reality like a true man. Will I ever accept his love?
Maybe I would, if he was alive. No more maybes, I would definitely accept him. This was another regret of mine. If I had managed to face the truth deep inside me earlier, I won't have to bear the burden of my conscience torturing me. I had finally reached the end of the journey, and there was only one conclusion. I shall always love Kurama in my heart, whether as a friend, or as my sweetheart.
I blinked open my eyes and stood up. The chilly wind was still blowing across the plains, bending grass and flowers; as if they were bowing to my regret. I softly touched the gravestone beside me. Slowly, I put the red rose I was holding on the grave.
Kurama, you shall always remain a part of me eternally no matter what it takes.
Softly in the wind, I whispered, "Kurama, I'll wait for you..."
Copyright reserved 1998 Siew Lee
- Owari -
Regret (END)
Copyright © 1998 Siew Lee
HOT is © 1999 - 2000 by T-chan
All Rights Reserved 1999