My heart was beating wildly; maybe even as wildly as the engines right beneath my feet were. Sweat moistened my palms, embedding my brows and my neck. Meg was walking beside me, supporting me, carrying me and the weight which my own feet could not bear.
"We have to fight, Gabriel, " Rin was saying. I noticed he was sweating as well, and I could feel ,even with moderate distance between us, that his heart was beating as wildly as mine. But unlike me, he was fighting ; doing his best to survive ; doing his best to lead others , even though it was my duty.
"Yes, we have to fight," Rin went on.
I shut my eyes. When you were young, everything seemed to easy, so free. You have the world at your hands, can rotate it the way you want it to, can even make it stop. But I'm not young anymore , at least, not my heart . But Rin was. That was why he was saying we should do this, do that as if everything was just that easy.
"Are you listening, Gabriel?" Rin shot up again. His voice was steady, but I know he was as nervous as I was. "We'll find a way. I just know it."
I didn't say a word. Have I told you that when you were young, you're also blind? You see things that weren't there, feel things that never existed , know things that never made sense. Now I am old, I could see all the bitter things youth had hidden from me.
"Gabriel!" Rin finally shouted. "Are you listening to me?"
I coughed and almost fell to the ground. But Meg was there. She held me, and although my eyes were shut, I could see her big brown eyes worrying for me. I couldn't believe it. "Master Gabriel ," she croaked out. "Are you ok?"
Yes, I still couldn't believe it. Meg had been my faithful servant, even more faithful than a wife. She had given me her best, her services , and even herself to me without anything in return. How could have I been so harsh on her? All this time she was serving me, I never appreciated anything she has done. She was a mere servant ,I told myself with a sneer. And now, she was still a mere servant, I told myself , close to tears. I just hope that before I die, I could at least show something to her that may be an emblem of my gratitude. I still ask myself, though, why things begin to clear up be just when you're too weak to open your eyes?
"Yes, " I lied. Even though I know they'd know the truth anyway. Meg could feel my emotions, could understand them and could respond to them, whereas, I, all I could feel was my own agony, my own happiness and my own pain. It's only now that I began to realize other people matter. Now that my universe was shattering to pieces, I start to see those people behind it who created it for me with their bare hands. Those who suffered. Those who died. Those who I referred to as mere servants.
"Where will go now, Rin?" asked that cute girl Gerry. She looked scared, and I know she really was. She stood behind Rin along with Mei and Jan, who I know, even if it was not evident from their faces, were scared as well.
"You ask Gabriel that question, " Isabel mumbled, giving me a meaningful stare. She was the only one who dared to look at me that way, mixture of disgust, question , annoyance and ...............hope? You could see her inner personality, the strong character that made her up by just looking at her ebony eyes. It was boring to me, asking me questions, trying to talk sense out of me. She folded her arms before her chest without lifting her eyes off me.
I remained wordless. Rin was clenching his fist with much fury. I know he was craving to lay hands on me. For being a coward. A dastard. The person far beyond his expectations. After all, I was the leader of the such a powerful troop that attempted to invade his country. All the while that my troops were failing, I put the blame all on them. Weaklings, I describe them with much repugnance. But I never saw my own faults. All this time, I was the coward. The dastard. I was the main reason of their defeat. What a shame. I was the only one who deserved that name. Weakling.
"Gabriel!" yelled Rin once more, interrupting my thoughts. "Aren't you gonna help?"
Harsh laughter erupted from me. if you were not too inattentive, you would have noticed it was not the same ruthless laugh I used to possess. Only sadness, sarcasm, distaste. But I guess no one there is that observant to notice that. As they look at me, their eyes showed something of disbelief, hatred and shame. "There is nothing I could do."