Rating: Will eventually be NC-17

Feedback: Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Summary: Xander and Spike go on a first date. But things are never that simple, are they? Can the boys make it through the night without fighting, making idiots out of themselves and having to visit the Emergency Room?

Beta'd by my wonderful kitty_poker1

How To Date A Vampire

by
Suki Blue

Part One

“Love can build aaaa briiiidge…between your heart and miiiind.”

Xander grinned and lathered far too much shampoo into his hair. Ohmygod, what a great day this was.

“Love can build aaaa briiiidge…”

In fact, it had really been last night that was great. Today was just for floating and reminiscing and getting totally excited.

“…Love can build aaaa briiiidge… between your heart and miiiind.”

Last night… Xander took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he remembered. Last night, he had kissed Spike. Yup, that’s right, Spike. Six months of crushing and wishing and willing erections to go away and finally…he’d kissed Spike.

Or had Spike kissed him?

Xander shrugged. Who cares? The point is there was lippage, kissage and a small amount of touchage…well, just an elbow and a shoulder. But that was a start, right?

“Yeah! A damn good start! Love can build aaaa briiiidge, between your heart and miiiind.”

Xander carried on lathering, unaware that his head of bubbles was threatening to touch the ceiling.

And the extra special reason for the vigorous soaping, singing and the permanent grin?

A date. A first date.

Xander lathered some more and remembered.

“I like you, mate.”

“Um, really? I guess I kinda like you too. You’re…swell.”

Swell? Swell?! What kind of compliment was that?! Fix it! Fix it!

“I mean, you’re…good…um, wanna go out with me?”

“What, on a date or sommit?”

“Sure. You wanna?”

“Yeah. Alright.”

And then they had kissed. It had been a small kiss, no tongue and fairly chaste. More of a lip-to-lip peck, really. But still, men don’t kiss unless they’re romantically interested and maybe Spike was just taking it slow. Oh, yeah, definitely. Tongue down the throat and a grab for the sacred area a panicky Xander will make.

Slow is good. Slow is great. Whoever invented slow was the best inventor of all time.

Still, fast is good. Fast means Xander Jr gets some action. But then again, that would involve possible naked stuff. Was he even ready for that? Was he ready to lose the back end of his virginity?

Hell, yeah!!!

But…skeered.

The tower of bubbles finally sagged and toppled.

“Ow, ow! My eyes!” Xander screeched as he flailed like a blind man looking for his lost dog. “Where’s the damn towel?”

On the bed.

“Damn it!”

Inspiration struck and Xander stuck his head under the shower spray.

“Owowowowowowowow,” he complained as he rubbed at his stinging eyes.

Great. What a fantastic start, Xander thought bitterly. Our fist real date and I’m blind. Nice going, Xan-man.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, completely out of the blue, Xander had a dreadful realisation.

“This is our *first* date. The first one. The big one,” he said aloud. “Oh. My god. How could I have been so stupid? Of course it’s going to go wrong! First dates always do! And this is just the beginning!”

Xander climbed out of the shower before his legs decided to fail him. He felt his way through the apartment like a blind man that had given up looking for his dog and had thought ‘fuck the little bastard, I can manage on my own’.

The bed was eventually found with only a small amount of bumping and bruising and Xander sat down heavily on it and located his towel.

“Owwwwww,” he whined as he pressed his face into what should have been fluffy warm goodness but was actually stiff, cold crapness. Stoopid, cheap, crappy, bastard towels.

Xander squinted at the clock. Nope, wasn’t working. He picked up the clock and brought it closer.

OHMYGOD!

That was it. The panic was really on. It was three o’clock and that meant he only had four hours until Spike picked him up for their *first* date!

OHMYGOD! Four hours?! And I have absolutely nothing to wear!

Xander groaned and fell back against the bed.

So, he was blind, had nothing to wear and was dangerously short on time. Could things get any worse?

Part Two

Spike paced nervously up and down the hallway.

Buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger.

He stopped at Xander’s door and attempted to knock.

Nope. Can’t. Bollocks.

What if Xander was having second thoughts? What if Xander had been completely drunk on his two beers and was now regretting asking him out? What if he was regretting their kiss? What if at some point between last night and now Xander had gone out and got himself another bloke? Fuck, what if they were in there right now making sweet love to each other? No, Xander wouldn’t want that, not from a stranger. Hey, what if this strange bloke was trying it on against Xander’s will?!?!?!

“I’m not having that!” Spike cried as he kicked the door in.

“GAH!”

“Xan? You alone?”

“Of course I’m alone! And did you just break my door?”

“No. Yeah.”

“Do I want to know why?”

“Probably not.”

“Then I won’t ask. What’s a broken door between friends?”

“Exactly. ‘Sides, just a busted hinge. I’ll have it fixed in a jiffy.”

“Good. Okay. Yeah. Well, I’ll just be in here finishing up and you’ll be here fixing the door and…okay. Back in a minute.”

Spike watched Xander hightail it into the bathroom with a mixture of confusion and relief. Xander was being way too cool about the broken door. That was the sort of thing that usually sent him into a complete rage! Well, maybe that was a slight exaggeration. But Spike was positive that under normal circumstances Xander would have practically chewed his ear off.

Not that a little nibble wouldn’t have been nice. Maybe later.

Hey, maybe Xander was nervous, too?

Okay, Xander, breathe. Just breathe; it’s only Spike. You’ve known him for a long time and there’s no need to be getting the jitters. What’s he gonna do, huh? Bite?

Oh, maybe. Although that might feel real…

Stop it! Not making it any easier here.

Okay, just stop panicking. Pull yourself together, go out there and have a *great* first date. You can do this.

Xander took one last long look in the mirror. At least he looked hot. Well, he was pretty sure that he did. His vision was still a little blurry, though. But judging by the snugness of his pants, he was sure that Spike would at least see something he liked.

One last look and a deep breath and Xander left the bathroom.

“That was quick,” he noted as he watched Spike return the tool box to the shelf. “You fixed it already?”

“’Course. Told you. Only a hinge. Easy peasy.”

“Oh. I didn’t take you for a…door fixer type person. A door breaker, yeah, but not so much with the politely fixing it afterwards. Are you feeling okay?”

“Feeling just dandy.” Or sick to the bottom of my stomach. Take your pick, mate. “You alright?”

“Great!” Or sick to the bottom of my stomach. Take your pick, Spikey.

“Ready to go, pet?”

“Sure. Um, where did we say we were going?”

“We didn’t. Thought The Bronze might be nice, though. Familiar surroundings and all that. Sound alright?”

“Sounds great. What are we waiting for?” Xander asked with a nervous grin. “Oh, me?”

“Yeah, we’re waiting for you. Ready now?”

“Completely and totally.”

Spike couldn’t help himself. He looked Xander up and down and licked his lips. “You look…bloody great.”

“Really? Thanks.” Xander ducked his head and blushed furiously. “You look…actually, I have no idea how you look. Could you help me to the door?”

Xander looked around him. Now that he could see much more clearly, he didn’t really want to. He looked everywhere except at Spike.

What the hell is this? Why have I suddenly lost all ability to speak? I can’t even babble! Oh, my god, I’ve lost my powers, the only thing that separated me from all the normal people. Come on, Xan-man, just say something; say anything, anything at all!

“The chips are…big tonight.” I really detest myself.

Spike brought the bowl closer and picked up the top-most chip. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Normally poxy little things in ‘ere.” He dug down deeper in the bowl to investigate further. “Bloody hell!” he cried, pulling out a huge chip from somewhere near the bottom. “That is the biggest sodding crisp I’ve ever seen!!”

Xander’s eyes widened. “Whoa! Are we sure it’s even a chip? Looks more like a boat! Without the sails, rope and the starboard bow, of course. And there’s no ship’s wheel. But apart from that…”

“Yeah. Yeah, I see what you mean.” Spike placed the chip in his beer and watched, disheartened, as it took on water and promptly sank. “Bollocks.”

“See, that’s why you should always buy a spare beer in case of chip-sinking emergencies. That’s just alcohol abuse. Now what are you gonna do, huh? You’re beerless. And we’re one chip down.”

“Think I’ll just buy another one, luv.” Spike froze. Not that it was particularly cold; he just went very still. I just called him ‘luv’. Bleedin’ hell! Hang on, don’t think he noticed. He kinda looks blank. Think I mighta got away with it.

“Okay.” Ohmygod. He just called me ‘luv’. Excuse me while my heart does a little squee.

“I’ll do that, then,” Spike said.

“Sure.” Great. And once again I’m reduced to one word sentences.

“You want another?”

“I’m good. Thanks.” Okay, three word sentences. Although, technically, that was two words and then one word. Yeah, that was definitely two sentences. I left a definite pause there. Did I? Geez, I’d hate to be a writer.

Spike turned towards the bar and stopped. Why in the bloody hell was he so nervous?! It wasn’t like he hadn’t been to The Bronze a thousand times with Xander in tow. Why was this so hard?

Because this time it’s a date, you plank. Ah, yes. That would be it. It was the deadly ‘Date’ word. And it was the reason that Spike felt like throwing up his half pint of beer.

Spike turned back around and studied Xander. Apparently, he was experimenting with trying to sail some of the other crisps. Yup, that was another beer ruined.

Right. It was time to get tough. This was their first date and Spike was determined that this was going to be the best first date in the history of all first dates. Yeah, it was time for something drastic.

“Xan? Wanna go see a movie instead?”

And considering that, in all likelihood, there would be bugger all showing, that was damn drastic!

Part Three

It was a warm evening; very pleasant, in fact. The sky was clear and the streets were fairly quiet. Not that Spike really gave a shit. Nor Xander. Oh, no.

Actually, they barely noticed anything around them. All that existed was each other and the thoughts inside their own heads.

An old lady tripped and fell flat on her face, and there she stayed as Xander looked up at the sky and Spike shoved his hands in his pockets and stepped over her. Should I try to hold his hand? What if he gets embarrassed? What if I try to hold his hand and he goes to pick his nose? What if he’s already picked his nose?

The walk to the movie theatre was a short one. Or possibly a long one. Maybe it was a medium sized one? Who could actually tell? Xander was uncharacteristically quiet and Spike was doing a pretty good impression of a very quiet Angel. Don’t tell that to Spike, though. He’d probably be quite upset by that observation.

To their left a car veered off the road and wrapped itself around a lamppost. “ARGH! My shoulder! It’s broken! Darn! But I must get home to feed the cat and take my pregnant wife to hospital!”

“So, um, not much happening tonight,” Xander observed, looking to the right.

“Nah. Nothing ever happens on a Saturday. Reckon all the demons are in the pub rather than out scaring people. Who wants to work on a weekend, eh?”

“That’s true. I never thought of it like that.” Xander smiled. At last! A conversation! “Do demons ever go on holiday?”

“Course!” Spike was indignant. “Every year!”

“Oh.” Xander thought about that. “Where do they go? To the Cleveland Hellmouth for more Hellmouthy adventures?”

“Are you serious? A holiday. No demon wants to work on his hols! Nah, they’d go somewhere where they could get away from it. Bognor, Isle of Wight, the Norfolk Broads, Philadelphia. And yeah, most dead bodies would rather be there.”

Xander laughed and stepped over a sick child. “I’ve actually been to Philadelphia. It’s not that bad.” Okay, conversation is going well. Keep it flowing, Xan. Keep. It. Flowing. “So where did you go when you wanted to get away from demoning every night?”

“Well, me and Dru, we went to all sorts of places. Quite well travelled, actually. Rio was a favourite. Italy. Mexico. Brazil.”

“Ever go to Transylvania?”

“Ha, bloody ha. No. Too many Transexuals. Besides, gave up holidays when Dru left me.”

“Oh. Sorry. I guess you must miss her,” Xander said, lowering his head as he realised that their great conversation had moved to a tragic place.

Spike realised this, too. And tried to fix it. “Miss her? ‘Course not. Why would I miss her? Bloody, stupid…vampire, with her bloody stupid…skirts. Bloody stupid.”

A building had caught fire and the windows suddenly blew out. “It’s okay, Spike. You and Drusilla were fangy together for a long time. It must feel weird to be without her.”

“Sometimes,” Spike admitted. “I don’t like being alone.”

They stopped at the corner of the street and stared at each other in the romantic glow of the nearby fire.

“I don’t like it, either,” Xander said.

Spike moved in for the kill…Well, not an actual kill. He moved in for a kiss, his hands connecting with Xander’s and his mouth opening just slightly to capture Xander’s lips in a slow, gentle kiss.

Three fire trucks showed up and one of them ran over a troop of high school jocks.

Xander opened his eyes and tried not to show his shock at managing a real kiss without bumping noses. It was nearly unheard of on a first date! “Wow. That was…” Don’t say swell. Don’t say swell. “…that was…um, better than swell.” Xander Harris, you are California’s biggest idiot. You could run for State Idiot and be elected in a second.

“Yeah. Much better than swell,” Spike agreed.

“Sweller,” Xander confirmed. “Is sweller a word? How about swellerer? Or swollen? No, that’s not right. Hey, I should write my own dictionary.”

“Good idea. Don’t forget sausage.”

“Sausage?”

“Blackadder. Never mind. So, we’re here.”

Xander blinked and looked around him. “Oh, yeah. I think I must have zoned back there.”

“Me too. I’m still in a daze, if the truth be known. Must be your fault.”

The remaining high school jocks attacked one of the fire trucks.

Xander blushed and had to look anywhere but at Spike, lest his face got so bright that he got mistaken for a traffic light. “Oh, my god!”

The burning building exploded again and spilled fire onto the street. Eight people caught fire.

Spike whipped his head around to look in the direction of Xander’s madly pointing finger. “What?! Where?”

“There. Ohmygod, we really must have zoned!”

“What?!”

“We just walked right past Kelly Rippa! She’s kinda hot. And perky – in more ways than one. Hey, why are there six dead people in the middle of the road?” Xander suddenly put his hands on his hips. “And is somebody smoking?”

Part Four

As the fire trucks pulled away and several body bags were loaded into the coroner’s van, Xander turned to Spike and spoke. “I so love Sunnydale.”

Spike shoved his hands in his pockets and eyed Xander suspiciously. “Yeah?”

“Totally! Death, mayhem, Hellmouth, apocalypses, demons, freakish occurrences; you gotta love it all. It’s like living in a TV show! Or a book! Or maybe some kind of slightly darker spin-off!”

Spike continued his suspicious stare. “And you like this because?”

“Because it keeps me on my toes. Sure, the whole dying thing sucks all the way to hell, but trying to save people? Way cool.”

Spike turned back to the carnage before them; three buildings on fire, a blood splattered road, a delirious man running about the street shouting something about feeding his wife and taking his pregnant cat to the hospital, cops, a couple of robbers that had shown up somewhere in the fray to clean out the local pharmacy of all its tampons.

“Don’t think this was particularly Hellmouthy, pet. Just another Sunnydale evening.”

“It’s still big with the freaky, though. I so can’t see something like this happening anywhere but in Sunny D.”

Spike watched as a large orange demon skipped down the street in a pink tutu and a cowboy hat. “Very true.”

“Damn right.”

“So, Speed or Hellraiser, pet?”

“Huh? Are you offering me drugs?!”

Spike rolled his eyes and motioned his head towards the theatre. “No, you daft git. What film do you want to watch? Speed or Hellraiser?”

“Oh! Um, which one starts first?”

“Hellraiser, I think. Starts in ten. You up for it?”

“Sure. I’m totally up for anything! Well, except for fishing. I won’t do that. I have an aversion to fishing rods. But Hellraiser I can do. Is it scary?” Xander examined the movie poster framed on the outside wall. “It looks scary. Although, I kinda like all the pins. They should call this guy Pinhead!”

“They do.”

“Oh. See? I could so write a movie. And direct it. And produce it. Although I don’t really know what a producer does. But whatever he does, I could definitely do it.”

Spike leant against the theatre wall and smiled as Xander carried on babbling like a mental patient. Ahhh, there was nothing like a major incident to settle the old nerves.

“…and I never understood about that whole thing with all the balls. Whatdyacallit? Oh, yeah, sport…”

Well, Xander definitely seemed to have lost all his nerves. Or at least he’d forgotten about them, what with all the excitement of burning flesh and rioting.

“…I mean, football? The ball isn’t even shaped like a foot! And rugby? You English people have some strange sports.”

“Don’t look at me, mate. I always thought Rugby was a place.”

“Really? That’s a weird name for a place. But then again, so is Washington. What, they do a ton of washing there? I just don’t get it! You wanna go in? You want popcorn? Do you think popcorn floats? It must do.”

Spike, overcome with a sudden sense of bravery that he knew he needed to use before it slid away, smiled again and slipped his arm around Xander’s shoulders. “Tell you what, we’ll buy an extra coke and test it, yeah?”

Xander pushed down the urge to shout, “You’re the best!” and instead slipped his own arm around Spike’s waist. “Great.” Ohmygodwow. I have my arms around Spike. Well, one of them. I can’t really use both arms, ‘cos we’re walking now and that might look weird. I guess we could say that we’re Tangoing.

Crikey. He’s all warm. I likes it. I likes it very much. God, I wish I could touch his backside. That would be heaven in the shape of an arse. Not sure he’d go for it yet, though. Maybe I’ll try it later; see how it pans out.

Spike settled for a brief squeeze to Xander’s shoulders before he led him to the ticket booth and paid for their tickets with his free arm. Once inside they headed straight for the concession stand, where they bought two jumbo cokes, and one regular coke to experiment with, and one giant-super-Godzilla-sized bucket of popcorn to share.

“So, in the great scheme of things, relatively speaking, they’re showing some pretty good movies,” Xander observed. “Old movies, yeah, but so much better than Driving Miss Daisy. I gotta admit, that old woman scares me.”

“They must be under new management.”

“They’re always under new management,” Xander said after a long slurp of Coke. “It’s what happens when the old management keep dying. Except, every time someone died the place got handed down to another family member. I guess they ran out of family members and someone else got it.”

Yeah, this date is taking a turn for the good, Spike thought. Nerves gone. Conversation flowing. All they had to do now was go take their seats and watch the film. Simple. Easy as pie. Easy peasy, lemon sqeezy.

As they passed through the doors to Screen One and Xander mentioned something about giant squids and the potential dangers of hammocks, Spike started to panic again.

Where should they sit? Would the back row be too presumptuous? And when the hell did he start using the word presumptuous? Ah, no, he hadn’t actually used it. He’d only thought it. So it didn’t count.

Would they hold hands? Would he be able to put his arm around Xander again? Okay, he’d just this minute done that. But should he do it again? What if Xander didn’t want to? What if he took offence at being cuddled in a movie theatre?

Damn, what if they’d chosen the wrong film? What if Xander hated Hellraiser? What if it was too scary? Then what? Did Xander even like horror films?

Oh my god, what if the popcorn was all rubbery?!

“Um, back row?” Xander asked, jolting Spike from his horrific thoughts.

“Is it rubbery?!” Spike asked, panic making his voice somewhat shrill.

“Huh? Is the back row rubbery? I dunno. I guess I could check…”

“No! The popcorn! Christ, Xan, is it rubbery?!”

Xander popped some in his mouth. “Nope. Warm and soft and kinda spongy. Just like it should be. So, back row?”

Spike resisted the urge to clutch at his heart in relief and instead nodded and headed for the back row, growling at another couple when it looked like they were going to seat themselves in the same place.

Right. So far, so good. They both wanted the back row and the popcorn was not at all rubbery. All that was left to worry about was whether it would float and whether or not the film was any good.

Oh, and there was also the trauma of whether to hold hands, cuddle, or rest hands on the other person’s knee. Damn, it was quite a decision.

Bugger it. I am not gonna sit here and debate this all the way through the damn film. I’m going to make my mind up…now.

Part Five

So, decision made, thought through for all of three seconds and then, unfortunately, executed.

Spike swung his arm wide and went for a full-on seated hug. “Ow!” He pulled his arm back and shook his stinging fingers.

“Excuse me?! What do you mean, ‘OW’?” Xander asked incredulously. “It’s me that’s just been hit in the eye! And, ironically? You’d think I would have seen it coming. What were you playing at, Spike?”

“Erm…I was going for the popcorn?”

“In my eye?”

“Erm…I was confused by the…dim lighting?”

Xander narrowed his one remaining good eye. It really wasn’t a good night as far as eyeballs were concerned. Not that his eyeballs were particularly concerned. But the rest of him was.

“I was swatting a fly?” Spike continued.

“Spike…,” Xander warned.

“Alright! Was just trying to put my arm around you.”

Xander half stared. “That was a hug? Geez. What counts as a kiss? A headbutt?”

“Actually, Goo’Lash demons headbutt as part of their mating ritual,” Spike helpfully supplied.

“Really? They do that? Doesn’t that hurt?”

“’Course not. Well, not unless a horn goes astray. I tell you, you don’t even want to hear about the oral sex.”

“No, I don’t think I do. But thanks anyway.”

“Then you’ve got your Chip’N’Dip’N demons. You don’t want to have sex with them. I made that mistake once. Can’t even look sideways at anything vaguely egg-shaped now.”

“I’ll cross them off my list,” Xander said, distractedly. He prodded the area around his eye and decided that it didn’t feel that bad at all.

“You alright, luv?”

Xander looked up at the softly spoken words. Spike did look genuinely sorry and genuinely regretful. Xander smiled. “I’ll live. As long as you go get me goobers.”

Spike nodded in agreement. “Consider it done,” he said. “And I’ll buy you dinner after.”

“Two desserts?”

“As many as you want.”

Xander’s eyes widened. “You might wanna take that back,” he grinned. Wow. As many desserts as he could eat? That was so worth getting smacked in the eye for. He was tempted to ask Spike to smack the other one and thus get at least two main courses.

Xander relaxed back into his seat as the trailers started and Spike left to get goobers and goodness knows what else.

So, Spike had tried to put his arm around him, huh? That was cool. Trouble was - would he try again? Or if Spike did try again, would Xander end up with a split lip or a broken nose?

A few latecomers shuffled past and ambled down to the front row.

Hey, here’s a radical thought! Maybe I could put my arm around Spike? I could do that. Could I? Yeah! I could totally do that!

…Or, maybe I could kiss him and then he’d kiss me and then we’d put our arms around each other and then…

The latecomers mumbled and grumbled at each other before dropping into the front row seats.

And then we’d be making out in the back row! I’ve always wanted to do that! Yeah, this is a great plan. Touchy, touchy, feely, feely; all in the dark. Yup. I’ve made up my mind. I’m definitely gonna grope Spike.

The mumbling, grumbling, front row inbreeds mumbled and grumbled louder.

“Bloody hell, there are some rough gits in this town, eh?” Spike observed with disgust at the blithering idiots at the front.

“Ignore them. Come sit.”

Spike was suspicious. It was so very unlike Xander to be so direct. He ignored the idiots and sat anyway.

Spike watched as Xander’s expression turned from fearful, to nervous, to a diver getting ready to spring from a diving board, perform a record breaking back flip/forward flip/whateverthefuckdiversdo, and then plummet into the pool below.

“You feeling…?” And that was as far as Spike got before Xander’s mouth descended on him and attacked with the enthusiasm of a zebra at a waterhole. And soon enough after that, Xander’s hands followed to touch, stroke and feel.

Bleedin’ hell! Spike thought. It must be Christmas!

Spike wasted no more time on something as pathetic as shock. He folded Xander into his arms and kissed him hard and deep – firm and wet. One hand tangled in Xander’s hair and tugged hard as Spike deepened the kiss further, spurred on by what sounded suspiciously like a whimper.

Spike cursed the cinema. Who the bloody hell invented them, anyway?! If it wasn’t for the damned cinema they could have been at Xander’s apartment, or the crypt – anywhere but somewhere where you couldn’t get naked!

One of Xander’s hands trailed down and, after a moment of hesitation, brushed over worn, black denim and squeezed Spike’s erection.

Between the moaning that Spike suddenly found himself doing and the sheer, utter shock that Xander was indeed a very bad boy, Spike almost missed the moment that a button popped and his zipper was lowered.

The inbreeds seemed to get upset by one of the seats. They ripped it from the floor and tossed it at the screen.

Spike pulled Xander closer and panted as Xander’s warm hand pumped him slowly and teasingly. “Fuck, pet. Yes. Little faster, luv. Yeah.”

The inbreeds grunted and argued amongst themselves.

“Fuck, Xan. Luv. Pet. Harder, luv. Just a bit.”

Xander’s hand was tiring. Were all hand jobs like this? His hand never ached when he did himself. Maybe it was the angle?

One mumbling idiot grabbed hold of one of his compatriots and pulled off his arm.

“Oh, Xan, yes! Just a little more… Yeah, like that. I’m nearly…”

“OOOOOOG!!!!” Cried the unfortunate inbreed with only the one remaining arm.

Spike growled and pushed Xander out of his line of sight. “Oi! Do you bloody mind? I’m trying to get off, here!”

The inbreeds slowly turned around, their eyes glowing in the darkness and their rotting flesh only just visible in the distance.

“Ummm,” said Xander.

“Ermm,” said Spike.

“BRAINS!!!” said the inbreeds.

Xander and Spike looked around the theatre. It was just them and the rotting corpse people. Marvellous.

The zombies lumbered towards them. “BRAINS!!!”

“Nope, none here,” Xander tried to stall. Just while Spike tucked himself away.

“Right. We got three choices,” Spike announced.

“We do?”

“Yup. One – we give them our brains. Two – we fight. Three – we get the fuck out, call the Slayer, and bugger off bowling instead – work up an appetite for dinner. Thoughts?”

“Ummm…You’ll let me pay for the lanes?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“…And we can get chips? I need to stretch my stomach ready for dinner. I can still have two desserts, right? ‘Cos, we made a deal, pal. You better not be thinking about welching just because a bunch of zombies show up unexpectedly,” Xander said, illustrating the word ‘zombies’ with a show of jazz hands.

“Xan, pet, sweet pea, you can have all the desserts and all the main courses and all the chips and all the lanes in the world as long as you stop gabbing and make up your mind.”

“Really? I can have…?”

“Xander!”

“Okay, okay! Ummm, run?”

“You got it.” Spike grabbed Xander’s arm and dragged him to the theatre door. Together they barrelled into the foyer and ran screaming into the night. “ZOMBIES! Everybody run for your lives!!!!”

Half an hour later, Xander pulled back his arm and prepared to bowl his ball. “Oh, shit! We forgot to call Buffy!”

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