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Written for [info]phendog's Death by... ficathon. I hope you enjoy!

Written for [info]mirasol Who wanted to see human Harmony die by a glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn. I hope this fits the bill!

Parody
Summary: Harmony is dead. But who killed her???
Rating: R, I suppose. ~shrugs~
Warnings: Large amounts of sillyness.

Thanks to [info]kitty_poker1 for the beta.



Death By The Horn


by
Suki Blue





“Well, it’s bloody obvious, innit?” Spike announced, glancing casually at Harmony’s dead body.

“It is?” Xander asked.

“’Course it is, luv. You’ve only gotta look at the evidence.”

Xander looked around, at their friends, at the room, at the body, at the glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn that was sticking out of it. He shrugged. “So, who did it?”

Spike grinned and unwound his arms from Xander’s waist. He fished out his cigarettes and lighter from his pocket and slowly lit one up. “The killer is…a complete twat.”

Buffy sighed heavily and crossed her arms. “Give it up, Spike. You don’t have a clue who did this. It could have been anyone.”

“Wrong, on both accounts.”

“Meaning?” Giles asked.

“Meaning, I do have a clue, and the killer isn’t just anyone. The killer is…someone in this room.”

~cue shocked gasps~

Giles rushed to the classroom door and closed it quickly. “Someone in this room?” he whispered.

“No need to whisper, G-man. Everybody left already.”

“Still, Xander. Better safe than sorry, that’s what I always say.”

Buffy huffed and began pacing. “Look, guys, can we get a move on? Harmony is dead…”

“Yay,” Xander cried in a quietly pleased voice.

Everybody stared.

“I just completely incriminated myself, didn’t I?”

Everybody nodded.

“Damn.”

“S’okay, pet. I know you didn’t do it.”

“Thanks. But who did? And why?”

“Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? Let’s start with the one person that hasn’t said a word since we discovered the body.” Spike stalked the end of classroom. He turned dramatically, his duster whirling around him like a superhero’s cape, and pointed to Willow.

“Red.”

~cue shocked gasps~

“I-I…I didn’t.”

Spike stalked towards her. “That’s your glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn, innit?”

“No, no, no…”

“Admit it, Red. I saw you buying it, a week last Thursday. Xan saw you too. Remember, Xan? We were passing that bloody awful hippy shop and we saw Red in the window?” Spike asked his lover without taking his eyes of Willow.

“Yeah, I remember. It was the evening that you took me out for dinner and I fell down that hole. Willow, how could you?”

“I didn’t kill Harmony!”

“No, I mean, how could you not tell me about the hole? You must have seen it and you know I would have fallen down it eventually. But you never said anything about it.”

“She was too preoccupied to give you or the hole even one single thought, pet. I wonder why that was.”

“I… I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Willow stammered.

“Oh, you don’t?” Spike asked in a mock surprised voice. “So, you won’t know what I’m talking about when I tell everybody that you were madly in love with Harmony?”

~cue shocked gasps~

“I…I…Yes, okay, I’ll admit it, I was in love with her.”

Spike continued. “And you bought the glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn for her as a gift, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Willow? Is this true? Were you in love with Harmony? And did you really buy her that god-awful glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn?” Giles asked.

“Yes, yes,” Willow sobbed. “It’s all true. All of it.”

“So why did you try and deny it, ducks, eh?”

“Um, because I thought…I thought that if you knew about the glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn, you’d think that I murdered her.”

Spike nodded and crushed the butt of his cigarette under his boot. “Sounds fair. Or is it? I reckon you got another reason to want to keep your gob shut, eh?”

“No!” Willow said with a panicked voice. “There is no other reason. I swear!”

“You’re lying, Red. I know it. I can smell it. You didn’t want us to know that you bought it because then we might find out that…Buffy stole it!”

~cue shocked gasps~

“No! I…she…yes,” Willow finally admitted. “I was afraid that if you knew that Buffy had taken the glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn, you’d find out that Buffy must have killed her.”

All eyes turned to Buffy.

“You murdered Harmony?” Xander asked. “Why?”

“I didn’t!” Buffy protested. “I didn’t want to tell you that I took the glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn because you would all think that I’d murdered Harmony. But I really didn’t.”

“Then why did you take it, if it wasn’t to stab and kill your…mortal enemy?!”

~cue shocked gasps~

“Because I’m in love with Willow!”

~cue shocked gasps~

“Yes, that’s right. I love her and I couldn’t bear the thought of her giving such a beautiful gift to Harmony. I didn’t say anything because I knew that you’d all think that I killed her. But I didn’t.”

“That’s right,” Spike said. “You didn’t.”

~cue shocked gasps~

“So, who did?” Xander asked.

“Well, pet. Remember that other evening when we went bowling and you fell down that other hole?”

Xander thought about it. “Yes, I do.”

“Well, I saw the Watcher, here. He was passing on the other side of the street. And guess what he had with him?”

“The glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn!” Xander cried triumphantly.

~cue shocked gasps~

“I can assure you, I did not take the glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn. I am not a thief and I’m certainly not a murderer.”

Spike grinned a truly evil grin. “I know.”

~cue shocked gasps~

“So, Giles didn’t have the glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn?” Xander asked, slightly confused.

“No, pet. He didn’t have *the* glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn. But he did have *a* glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn. Christ knows why. I just wanted to embarrass him.”

“So if Giles, Willow and Buffy didn’t do it, who did?”

“I know, I know!” Buffy shouted, jumping up and down on the spot. “It was Spike!”

~cue Buffy waiting for shocked gasps~

“Guys? I said it was Spike.”

Xander laughed. “It couldn’t have been Spike! I was with him the whole time!”

“Ah, yes,” Giles said. “But where were the two of you this whole time? I’ll tell you. In this very room! When Harmony screamed and alerted Buffy, Willow and I to this most horrifying scene, you and Xander we already here. Spike, you made one mistake.”

“And what was that, then?” Spike asked while he played a quick game of Tetris on his cell phone.

“You said that Xander was *not* the murderer. However, you failed to mention that he was the accomplice!”

~cue shocked gasps~

Xander put his hand up. “Um, not meaning to state the obvious, but he didn’t mention that I was an accomplice because I’m not an accomplice, which is why he didn’t say it, that I’m an accomplice. I’m not. And Spike didn’t murder anyone.”

“Then how do the pair of you explain that you were in this very room when Harmony screamed and met her untimely end?”

“Because we weren’t in the bloody room, that’s why.”

“Hang on. You were both here when we arrived. We came running straight away. We would have seen you come in. You had to be in here this whole time,” Willow pointed out.

“Yeah, we were in here, but not in this room.”

“Huh? I’m confused,” Buffy stated.

Spike rolled his eyes and put away his cell phone. “My boy and me were in the cupboard,” he said, bluntly.

“You were in cupboard,” Giles repeated. “Would you mind telling us why you and Xander were in the cupboard?”

Spike shrugged. “If you want. He was giving me a blowjob, bloody good one, too.”

“He was giving you a blowjob.”

“*Yes.* Christ on a bike, is there an echo in here? Look, Parent-teacher night was basically over. Xan’s mum had buggered off home to start fixing us dinner and I had the horn.”

“*You* had the glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn?!” Buffy asked.

“No! You stupid bint! I was horny! Needed to feel my boy’s luscious lips on my cock, ain't that right, pet?”

“Uh-huh. You know what Spike’s like when he gets like that. It was either suck him off in the cupboard or get stripped naked on the way home. I opted for the cupboard,” Xander said with a shrug.

“So, you see. That’s how *I* saw the murderer, but Xan didn’t. He had his nose buried in my crotch.”

“Oh, well, that explains it,” Giles said, confidently. “But you really must tell us, who did murder Harmony?”

Spike walked over to the other side of the room. “While Xan and me were at it in the cupboard, two students came in and started going at it on the desk over there. That was when Harmony came in. There was an argument. It seems that Harm here was none too pleased at what she was seeing.”

Spike yanked open another cupboard and pulled two people out by their ears.

“Cordelia and Jonathon!” Willow cried.

~cue shocked gasps~

“Yeah, it seems that these two have been going at it like bunnies for several weeks now. Trouble was, stud-boy here was also doing Harmony on the side.”

~cue shocked gasps~

“You’ve been seeing Cordelia *and* Harmony?” Buffy asked. “How did you manage that?”

“It must be my boyish good looks and unfaltering charm,” Jonathon replied.

“Really?” Willow asked dubiously.

“I have money,” Jonathon admitted.

“So, which one of you killed Harmony?” Giles asked.

Cordelia raised her hand. “It was me. Harmony and I were fighting. Harmony just got on my last nerve and I snapped. So, I stabbed her with my glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn…”

“Hang on,” Buffy interrupted. “Don’t you mean, *my,* um, *Willow’s* glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn? I believe you stole it from me?”

“Get over yourself, moron. Like I would steal from you. I bought it with my allowance, thank you very much.”

“So, who stole Buffy’s glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn?” Giles pondered aloud.

Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out a glittery, fluffy, purple unicorn horn. “I did,” he said with evil grin that was extra, extra evil.

~cue shocked gasps~

“*You* took it?! Why?” Willow asked.

“Thought Xan’s mum might like it. She deserves a little something for all the meals she cooks us, eh Xan? She’ll like it, won’t she?”

“Of course! It’s glittery and fluffy and purple, her favourite combination. She’ll be so happy. And that means that I’ll be happy and that means that I’ll make you…”

Giles cleared his throat and Xander removed his hand from the inside of Spike’s jeans.

“Now, to the matter at hand. Cordelia, you have committed a most atrocious act of violence and I for one am completely sick to my stomach. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Cordelia hung her head. “Sorry.”

“And well you should be, young lady. I should hand you over to the police myself…but I won’t. Harmony was a frightful bore and quite frankly she got on my tits. I’m actually quite grateful that she’s dead. *However,* if you ever commit such an act on school property again, I shall have no alternative but to start dishing out detentions. And that goes for you too, Jonathan. Now, if we’re all finished, I should like to get home. The big fight is on tonight and I’ll be buggered if I’m going to miss it.”

Everybody nodded and started filing from the room.

“Who’s going to clear up Harmony’s body?” Xander asked.

Spike squeezed his lover’s ass and pulled him in for a damn good snog. “Cleaners’ll do it. It’s what they’re paid for, innit, cleaning?”

Everybody laughed, agreed and went home. Except Harmony. Her spirit was left to wander the corridors of Sunnydale High for all eternity.

What fun.





The End






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