brandil asked for it. It's ... strange. But hopefully funny? Unbeta'd :)
Untitled Scooby Meeting Fic
". . . get you home, show you what I want to do with you, silk and leather and—"
"Spike! Why are you here?" When Spike sat up, offended expression not doing much to hide his surprise—and hurt—Buffy held up her hands. "Not why are you here," she stressed, "but why are you here? I thought this was just going to be Scoobies?"
That made Xander blink, instead of Spike. "Uh, not to throw significant other stones, Buff," he said, "but you seem to be accompanied yourself. Unless Deadboy—"
"Hey!" two voices exclaimed. "Thought you weren't gonna use that anymore," the accented voice pouted alone.
"On you, yes," Xander explained patiently, tugging Spike onto his lap in a move that all every member of the crowded front room watching interestedly. "On him I make no promises."
Angel grumbled, glaring first at Xander, then Spike out of sheer habit, then at the sofa Buffy sat on. "Why am I here again?"
"I don't know," Cordelia said, comfortably ensconced on the sofa next to Buffy, frapaccino in hand. Her glare was as fierce as ever, though the almost fond smile beneath it was not. "Go take your boy toy and see the sights. Hey, I know! He should show you all the places he's ever screamed and whimpered like a little girlie-man! That'll hours."
Angel's face twisted, instantly angry on behalf of his ‘boy toy'—who wasn't too busy laughing with everyone else from pushing off the door jamb he leaned upon and stepping next to Angel. "Yes, I believe a trip down memory lane is in order. What else does one do while stuck playing chauffeur?"
"Hey, I didn't ask both of you to come."
Angel glared. "I'm still not sure why any of us are here, Cordelia. I know you can drive."
Cordelia sipped her drink, totally cool while the room tittered. "You remember the demon from last week, with the purple horns? The purple horns that gouged my car? And you wouldn't let me borrow yours for the weekend."
Wincing at the reminder, as he'd done every moment since the event happened, Angel protested, "Yes, but—"
"Angel." Amusement bled through the censure, softening it into palatability as Wesley put a hand on Angel's arm. "We should go."
"And Spike!" Buffy added hastily. "Away, bleached wonder! This is for humans under twenty five only!"
"Except Giles," Willow added with a giggle. "Maybe you could keep Tara company, Spike? Just cause, you know, I worry. I do that. Oh! Plush, she's got a paper on Chaucer, and you said that the pilgrim's tale was your—"
"Right!" Scrambling off Xander's lap, Spike glared daggers at a snickering Angel. "Play with you later, love."
"Does no one else find that wrong?" Angel complained when the soft smacking of Spike and Xander kissing continued for more than thirty seconds. "It's disgusting! They're—they're—"
"Kissing? Rather like this, wouldn't you say?" Wesley's kiss was far more chaste and delicate than the macking in the corner, and somehow seemed even more powerful for it. Even Spike and Xander stopped to watch, slightly awed by the pole-axed look Angel sported when Wes finally let him go. "Come along, Spike. We'll drop you by the dorms."
"You gonna snog like that again? Cause I could maybe stick around for that. Or maybe Xander should go."
Xander's "Hey!" was completely obliterated by a floor-rumbling snarl.
"Angel! No, Spike, out the door. Yes, very good, Spike. I see Xander has taught you some manners. He and I should talk, later. I certainly can't get Angel to. . ."
The door shut before anymore was heard, though everyone left in the apartment remained silent in hope more would filter through. Only when the rumbled of a car pulling away was heard did they all relax—and sigh.
"You know, suddenly that creepy, so very jail-bait crush you had on him makes complete sense."
"Mm, isn't he?" Cordelia scrunched down the back of the sofa, tossing out a conspiratorial smile that should've graced the cover of porn magazines. "You should see him when he works out with Angel. Hoocha!"
"He did turn out very nicely," Buffy said. Then she shuddered. "Oh, god. I think Wesleys' hot! That's it, I need retail therapy. Lots of it."
In the lone easy chair, Giles crossed his legs and cleared his throat. "Yes, well, I can tell you from someone who's tried—retail therapy doesn't work as well as you'd like. With him, anyway."
Four ewwwww's went up.
Wrinkling her nose, Willow shuddered. "Giles! You aren't supposed to think he was hot—that's ... that's ..."
"Icky?" Xander offered.
"Epically wrong," was Cordelia's suggestion. "I was after a guy Giles thought was hot? ‘Wrong' is not nearly enough."
When everyone looked at Buffy, she shrugged. "I'm still stuck on thinking he's hot in general. I haven't gotten to where Giles thought he was hot. And hey! I thought you hated him! You called him a pansy-assed mama's boy."
Giles' flush made them all collectively wonder if they'd ever seen Giles blush before. Then the glasses came off to be cleaned and all was right with the world again. "Yes, well. He was a pansy-arsed mama's boy. I merely wanted to, er, tell him. In a ... certain manner."
He glanced up a few moments later to see four totally numb children.
"Oh, do grow up. Xander, I know you and Spike play games like that. I've had to hear them!"
"No. No no no. Nooooo, no no," Xander repeated, shaking his head and covering his ears. "La la la la. I am not hearing about Giles playing games he's not supposed to know exist, because he's old and that's wrong and I think I'm traumatized and will never have sex again."
Crossing her arms, Buffy gave Giles a smug look. "Oh, you are gonna get it now. Spike's gonna be pissed."
Giles merely shrugged. "I doubt he'd be willing to do so now, if that's your concern."
"Images!" Cordelia and Xander both cried. "Bad images!"
Grinning very slightly, Giles ignored them to finish with, "Because he's probably too busy telling Angel what a pansy-arsed mama's boy he is."
Totally. Stunned. Silence.
They all turned to Cordelia, who just smiled an evil little smile.
"You know," Buffy said slowly. "I think we should go to L.A. More often. Or, a lot and just drop in." Everyone, even Willow, nodded. "Cordy, you can tell us the best times, right?"
"Sure, but—Buffy, that's your ex, right?"
Buffy's grin was just as evil as Cordelia's had been. "Yup. Have I ever mentioned how smackable his ass is? Because it is. A lot. And with that Wes ... "
"How's next week?" Xander asked.
"Tara and I are free Friday!"
"I believe I can convince Anya to take the weekend off. . ."
"And I know Riley will be free," Buffy finished. "So, Cordelia. Next week okay?"
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