This story popped into my head and I took time out from writing Long Road...to write the first few chapters. It takes place during Amends and works on through the Buffy/Angel verse as far as my muse takes me. What if Spike decided to come back and help his sire instead of looking for Drusilla? What if he found himself helping the Scoobies even without his soul and Xander took notice of the handsome blond vampire? Would Spike notice the dark haired, handsome Scooby? Of course we all know he would,lol, but how long would it take and would he fight it every step of the way or just go with it? Read on for answers.

Pairing: S/X
Rating: NC-17 eventually
Disclaimer: I own nothing or have nothing to do with BTVS or Angel.


Special thanks to amejisuto for encouraging me and answering my endless questions.

Amends, Friendship and Moving On

by
Xandercordy1

Part One

It had been a couple of weeks since the kiss - the one that had destroyed not only Willow and Oz's relationship but his and Cordy's as well and Xander had never felt so alone in his entire life. Willow had practically shoved him out of her life - only talking to him when Buffy was around, Buffy was acting differently around him - he didn't really know why, unless she blamed him for Willow and Oz's relationship problems. Naturally, Cordelia and Oz weren't speaking to him.

Xander could understand Cordy and Oz's hatred of him - in fact, he felt he totally deserved it, no matter how he tried to publicly excuse himself. That was denial Xander, goofy Xander, the Xander he used to pretend to everyone that he was alright even when his heart was breaking. But Willow's rejection had cut him deeply. After all, it wasn't like he was kissing himself and he had lost Cordy, too. Yet all the girls could talk about was how hard it was on Willow losing Oz like that. Buffy had tried to be supporto gal for almost a week, even going so far as to try to talk to Cordelia for him, but in the end it was forgotten and buried like most of Xander's problems. He loved his friends, which also included Cordy, Oz and Giles, but sometimes they were so clueless to how shitty his life was. Xander knew part of that was his fault. He didn't like to share his problems at home or anywhere for that matter, with anyone. Still, they were his best friends. Why couldn't they see how miserable he really was, especially now.

Christmas was near and everyone was excited. Everyone except Xander who knew he was going to have to brave sleeping outdoors so that he could get away from his family. Xander always found it ironic that while most people loved being with their families at Christmas, he couldn't stand being around his. Usually, it didn't bother him that much but since he knew what roamed around Sunnydale after dark it was a frightening prospect. He always packed up plenty of stakes to keep nearby, just in case, but he was beginning to think - what the hell? Let them take his life, please. It wasn't like he was doing much with it anyway.

Xander heard Willow's and Buffy's voices coming down the hall and he stood, swiping away the tears as he plastered on his Xander face. God, he was so tired of doing this.

"And then he just bailed. He didn't say anything...just took off. It was so weird," Buffy was saying as she and Willow headed towards their lockers. *Oh, Goody, some more angst about Angel*. At least it was different than the Willow/Oz angst he had been hearing lately but Xander was angry that his girls could see everyone's unhappiness but his own. So, Xander did what he always did, what came naturally when someone mentioned the vampire. He bitched and made fun of Angel, what else?

"Angel? Weird? What are the odds?"

"Do you think something's wrong? Maybe you should talk to Giles." Willow opened her locker door and put her books inside as Xander rolled his eyes. *Great plan, Willow. Giles hates Angel almost as much as I do and he has a good reason*. For Willow to be so smart, sometimes she could say the dumbest things. Why would Giles want to help the vampire who killed his girlfriend? Xander shuddered when he remembered the night Jenny had been killed, the way Angelus had set up the apartment to look like a lover's retreat only to leave a dead Ms. Calender in Giles' bed, the look on Giles' face when Buffy finally caught up with him and brought him home, and Xander decided he did have a reason to hate Angel after all. Giles was like the father he had always wanted and when someone hurt the people he loved, they hurt Xander, too.

"No, I don't want to bug Giles. He's still kind of twitchy when it comes to Angel," Buffy was saying. Couldn't these girls grasp the concept of anyone around them being in pain except for Oz and the almighty Angel? Now Xander was really ticked off. He threw his arms up in the air and the words came tumbling out.

"Oh, it must be that whole 'Angel killed his girlfriend and tortured him' thing." The girls were still rummaging around in their locker as though Xander hadn't spoken. What's new? Xander decided to press on. "Yeah, Giles is pretty petty when it comes to stuff like that. In case you two didn't notice, that was sarcasm, by the way." Buffy slammed her locker, giving Xander a warning look.

"Xander, enough." Well, at least he had gotten her attention.

"Maybe Angel just has the holiday blues. Everybody gets them." Willow took her place at Buffy's side, walking down the hallway and leaving Xander to follow. "Especially when they're alone."

Willow's words made the pain inside him flare. Couldn't they see that he was probably the loneliest person on the planet? At least Angel had someone to love and care about him.

"It's just so frustrating. I'm trying to do the right thing and stay away from him and get over it and then - boom - there he is. I just want a nice, quiet Christmas vacation." Xander's anger was replaced with sympathy for his friend. It must be hard on Buffy to have Angel's love and yet not be able to do anything about it.

"So, you doing anything special?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

"Tree, nog, roast beast. Just me and mom and hopefully my excessive gifts." Buffy looked at Willow. "What are you doing for Christmas?"

"Being Jewish, remember people? Not everyone worships Santa." Ooops, Willow was in a pissy mood.

"I just meant for vacation," Buffy offered and Willow looked contrite.

"Oh, nothing fun. Oz and I had planned," she cast a glance at Xander and he looked away, straight into Cordelia's eyes. "I guess that's off." Xander followed the girls to the couch and sat down, trying not to notice Cordelia sitting with her friends.

"Well, I'll be enjoying my annual Christmas Eve campout. See, I take my sleeping bag outside and go to sleep on the grass."

"Sounds fun," Willow said distractedly.

"Yeah, I like to look at the stars. You know, feel the whole nature vibe." Xander saw Cordelia rise and walk towards him and panic set in. He hoped she wouldn't spill the beans about why he really slept outside. Cordelia had been the only one he had ever shared that secret with - not even Willow knew.

"I thought you slept outside to avoid your family's drunken Christmas fights." Her voice was so loud that Buffy could hear her from where she was standing, putting cans of food into a box for the needy.

"Yes, and that was a confidence that I was hoping you would share with everyone." Buffy walked over and gave Xander a sympathetic look, putting her hand on his before turning a frown on Cordelia. *Huh, supporto gal is back*.

"Well, I'll be in Aspen, skiing with actual snow," Cordelia bragged.

"I hear that helps," Buffy shot back, not liking the way Cordelia was treating Xander. Maybe his friends cared more than he knew, Xander thought.

"It must be a drag to be stuck here in Sweatydale. But I'm thinking of you. Okay, I'm done." Cordelia gave Xander one last dirty look before walking away.

"She certainly has reverted to form," Buffy said.

"It's not her fault. After what happened, we've got to cut her some slack."

"That's the Christmas spirit," Xander encouraged Willow, hoping he sounded as cheery as he didn't feel.

"Hello? Still Jewish. Haunakkah spirit, I believe that was? Anyway, forgiveness is pretty much a big theme for me this year cause of the----" Willow's voice trailed off as she and Xander followed Buffy's gaze. Xander shifted on the couch, getting as far away from Willow as he could manage when he saw Oz staring at them.

"Hey, can we talk?"

"Sure." Willow got up and followed Oz out the door and Buffy came over and sat down next to Xander.

"Think they'll make up?"

"I hope so. I don't want my actions hurting anyone I love ever again." Xander blurted out the words without thinking. He kept his eyes on the floor in front of him, wringing his hands until Buffy took one and placed it between her own.

"It was one mistake, Xander. You're entitled to make mistakes. Lord knows, I've made a few."

Xander turned towards Buffy, shaking his head. "No, Buff you don't understand. You couldn't possibly know how many I've made over the past few years. Mistakes that have led to grief, loss and death."

"Xander, what are you talking about?" When Xander didn't answer, Buffy patted his hand, making him turn to look at her. "Come on, tell me. I hear confession is good for the soul."

Xander saw the sympathy and caring in Buffy's eyes, the things he had been searching for weeks to see and knew he couldn't hold everything in anymore - even if it caused everyone he loved to hate him. Didn't really matter - half of them did anyway. Knowing it was now or never, Xander let the guilt he had been feeling for almost a year come to the surface.

"Okay, but please try not to hate me." Buffy opened her mouth to protest but Xander's raised hand stopped her. "Just listen, because I really need to tell you this." Xander took a breath before continuing, hoping he could make Buffy understand. "It all started with Jesse. I know you didn't really know him that well, but he was my best friend - like Willow and you - except he was my guy friend. We did guy stuff together - camping, fishing, baseball - we were like brothers. Then he got killed and it wasn't your fault it was mine. You were busy fighting that big guy, Luke and I couldn't even manage to get both my friends to safety."

"You tried, Xander" Buffy squeezed his hand, trying to comfort him.

"But I failed. And even though Giles told me Jesse wasn't my friend, just a demon in my friend's body, I still had hope that I could get through to him somehow. I failed again."

"What are you talking about, Xander?"

You remember the Harvest...the fight at the Bronze?" Buffy nodded her head. "I've never told anyone this before, Buffy. Not even Will, so please don't say anything. It's not that I like to keep secrets from her, but I think it makes Jesse's death easier on her if she holds onto the hope that we'll find Jesse someday and she'll be able to resoul him, like she did with Angel."

"I promise I won't tell her. Hey maybe that could happen. Weirder things have---"

"No, it can't. While you were fighting and Giles and Willow were getting the people out, I found Jesse trying to turn Cordelia. He always had the hots for her, so it made sense. I remember thinking 'Giles is wrong. Jessie is in there'. So I tried to talk to him, pleaded with him to remember what we meant to each other. I told him I knew there was a part of him still in there somewhere."

"Like I did with Angel, when he turned into Angelus."

"Yeah, except Jesse wasn't cruel like Angelus. Not that I'm talking about Angel, it's just - well- he was still a fledge and Angel's like 200 and something years old. Jesse hadn't quite gotten down that being evil stuff yet. Instead, he kept telling me what a pathetic loser he had been as a human. I had my stake pointed at him, but I couldn't go through with it. I didn't see a vampire in front of me - I saw Jesse."

"I get that," Buffy assured him, and Xander nodded.

"I know you do."

"So what happened?" Buffy asked.

"Someone ran into him and he fell against my stake and I watched my best friend go turn to dust."

"Oh, God, Xander I'm so sorry." Buffy hugged Xander tightly. "I know what you must have been going through." Xander pulled away, guilt overwhelming him and Buffy stared at him, confusion on her face.

"Xander, you said you didn't blame me for Jesse's death."

"I don't. It's...I don't deserve your sympathy. I don't deserve to have anyone care about me."

"Yes, you do," Buffy insisted. "You did what you had to do, even if it was an accident."

"No, I don't, especially not you. Buffy, I told you a lie and because of that lie....you killed Angel. After going through what I did with Jesse, I should have been more compassionate about your problems with Angel. I should have tried to support you instead of badgering you for months to kill him. I should have told you the truth instead of lying, because I know it had to be worse - killing the man you loved. I'm a heartless bastard." Xander sat back relieved to have finally told his best friend the truth, yet dreading her response.

"You know how we're always telling you we don't understand you? Well, this is one of those times. Make me understand, Xander."

Xander looked into Buffy's eyes and knew the time had come to face the music for what he had done. He only hoped that he could somehow be able to regain her trust and love. At the very least, maybe he wouldn't get beaten up. But deep down inside, Xander knew he wanted to be punished for the things he'd done concerning her and Angel's relationship.

Part Two

Xander shifted nervously under Buffy's stare, clearing his throat and silently praying to anyone that would listen to have mercy on him. It wasn't every day he told a slayer that he had helped send her boyfriend to hell.

"Willow didn't say 'Kick his ass'."

"What did she say?"

"Uh, I think it was more like 'Tell Buffy I'm going to try the spell again', punctuated with resolve face." Xander stared straight ahead, not wanting to see Buffy's face when the truth kicked in. "There was resistance on my part followed by more Willow face which you know I can't say no to, so I left the hospital and went to find you and I did and then ---"

"You lied to me," Buffy said, ending Xander's babble.

"Yeah, I think we kinda covered that earlier."

"About the man I loved more than anything in the world. Knowing what was going to happen, knowing that I was going to have to kill him, knowing that it would be Angel I would have to kill instead of Angelus--"

"Whoa, hold up on the last one." Xander held his hands up, finally turning to face his friend's oddly calm face. *Was that good or bad?* I'm guilty of all the above except knowing that it was going to be Angel."

"Would it have mattered?"

"Buffy, I know what you're thinking but it's not entirely true. Yes, I was jealous of Angel and yes, I gave him a hard time but I really didn't want him dead, or is that more dead? Whatever, I didn't want that until he became Angelus and started hurting the people I love. Don't you remember how I hesitated before I told you what Will said? I was afraid you'd back down, hoping that Angel would come back and get yourself killed, that Willow's spell wouldn't work because she was so weak and she'd almost been killed once already, God, I thought Will was going to die and I didn't want...Kendra was already...I couldn't stand losing anyone else, but I did anyway. I lost you when you ran away. Buffy, when Willow told us she thought the spell had worked, I felt so guilty for letting Willow down and making you go through that hell."

"So guilty that you confessed to everyone?"

"No. I was a coward. I knew they would hate me for making you kill Angel and for the pain that you were going through what with the death and running away part. Shit, it hurt so bad to see the pain I caused everyone. It hurt to see Willow trying to be so hopeful, watching Giles going anywhere and everywhere trying to find you only to come back feeling worse than before and your mom...that was really bad."

"When did you see my mom?" The odd calm had left her face and was now followed by confusion.

"At your house."

"What were you doing there? I mean you knew I was gone so why did you even bother going over there?" It hadn't escaped Buffy's attention that Xander and her mom seemed close, especially at her return party when Xander had taken up for her mom over her.

"I...mowed the yard...helped her weed the garden...and did odd jobs for her at the house and the gallery."

"You worked for her?"

"No! I never took any money from your mom, even when she tried to give me some. I did it because...because she was lonely and she needed someone to talk to. And because Joyce is kind, compassionate, a good listener and a great woman. Plus, she cooks good." Buffy couldn't help the smile that crossed her face at those last words. She thought about what Xander had said and her smile was immediately gone as she slapped her friend hard on the shoulder, making him yelp in pain.

"Xander Harris, are you in love with my mother!?"

"What? No!" Xander shook his head while rubbing his sore arm. "I love her but I'm not in love with her. She's the kind of mother that every kid dreams about, wishes for and hopes they're lucky enough to have, that's all."

"Oh," Buffy sat back and stared at Xander who was still rubbing his arm. When he looked back up at her, she noticed that his eyes were shining with unshed tears. *Was his own mother so bad that he would want to adopt someone else's?* Buffy thought back to all the times they had called their parents with excuses of why they wouldn't be home on time. She remembered how Xander always had to remind his parents who was calling, how sometimes he hadn't even bothered to call, saying they were out of town or some such excuse and about what he had told them earlier about sleeping outside on Christmas Eve and reality hit her like a ton of bricks.

Xander saw the sad expression on Buffy's face and quickly backtracked. "Yeah, oh. She...she reminds me of my mom...only your mom actually cooks," he lied before changing the subject. "Now can we focus on my dirty little secret instead of your dirty thoughts?"

Buffy knew Xander was covering his feelings like he always did and she knew in her heart that if she hadn't already forgiven him for his deception, she would have now. Buffy pushed thoughts of Xander's home life to the back of her mind so that she could finish punishing her friend for all those months of misery he had caused.

"Fine. Let's get on with the you lying to me which led to months of pain and misery for me and all of our friends---"

"And your mother." Buffy gave him a dirty look. "I'm not helping myself out in this situation am I?"

"That would be a big, fat no." Buffy turned away so that Xander couldn't see the smile on her face. *This payback stuff is pretty fun.* She forced herself to remember how she had felt during her time away and she turned back to face him. "Do you realize what you put me through, Xander? Months of living alone in a strange city, being away from my friends and family, the loneliness, the nightmares...the...the guilt? And that's not counting the grief I was feeling. I sent the man I loved to hell."

"I'm so sorry, Buffy."

"Sorry? Sorry? You think that one little word is going to make up for what you did? That I'm going to say 'Oh, Xander that's alright. I forgive you for putting me through hell because after all, you are sorry'? Do you think I could ever trust you again? That I could ever forgive you?"

"No, I don't think that."

"What about everyone else? You think they can forget what you put them through?"

"No."

"And weren't you the one that pointed out what I had put my mother through during that real swell party after I came back? Didn't you call me selfish and stupid?"

"Well, actually I said that running away was...never mind. Go ahead."

"You told me to stop being an idiot---"

"I said stop acting like an idiot. Besides, you called me annoying and made fun of my code name." Xander defended himself.

"Xander," Buffy warned.

"And what's wrong with 'Nighthawk'? I thought it was pretty cool and---"

"Xander! Let me finish. You at least owe me that." Buffy said mocking Xander's words from the party.

"You're right. I'm sorry, I'll shut up now." Buffy shook her head, knowing that was impossible for her friend. As much as she loved Xander, Buffy would bet a hundred dollars that he even talked in his sleep.

"You told me that I couldn't bury stuff, that it would come back to get me. Why didn't you listen to your own words?"

"You're right. I should have told you this earlier."

"Why did you give me all that grief when I came back when you knew that you were the cause of it?"

"I don't know. I guess I was mad at myself and I took it out on you. But, geez Buffy, I never thought you would run away."

"What did you expect me to do after killing Angel? Go out dancing at the Bronze?"

"No, you did that after you killed the Master." Xander and Buffy's eyes met, each remembering how she had used and hurt Xander to make Angel jealous, how she had taunted him after he had saved her life. Buffy was ashamed and Xander was upset. "I shouldn't have said that, Buff. This isn't about your mistakes, it's about mine and I'll do anything - and I do mean anything - to make this right between us. I don't have that many friends that I can just throw away the ones I do - especially my best friends. Just tell me how I can make this right because I don't want to lose you again. I don't know what I would do without you or Will."

"You can start by telling Willow how you let her down." Buffy saw the stricken look on Xander's face and knew this would be hard for him to do, even though it wasn't necessary. Willow already knew.

"Oh, God." Xander took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll do it and I'll tell Giles, too."

"And Angel."

"Buffy, I know what I did was wrong but do you have to condemn me to the death sentence?"

"I'll go too so there won't be any Xander pieces lying around but you have to tell him. You owe him that much, Xander."

Xander thought about the way he had been treating Angel since his return from hell and knew Buffy was telling the truth. "Fine, I'll tell him."

"And my mom."

"Now I know you want me dead," Xander groaned, putting his face in his hands. After a few minutes, he looked up and nodded. "I'll tell her, too. Joyce deserves the truth, even if it means she won't like me anymore." Buffy saw the sadness return in his eyes at that thought, and she couldn't go on with this any longer.

"She doesn't hate you. None of them do."

"Angel does. By the time I get through telling everyone else, they will too." Xander sat up straight, determination on his face. This was his punishment and he was going to take it like a man. "I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I deserve whatever I get. Matter of fact, I don't want you to come with me when I tell Deadboy-I mean, Angel. I'm not going to have you two fighting over me. He has every right to kill me. If I had been in hell and someone said they had sent me there, I'd want to kill them." Buffy knew that Xander wasn't putting on an act just to get her sympathy. He truly meant every word he was saying, was probably hoping that Angel would beat him up. Buffy was pretty sure that Xander had been beating himself up over this all along and it was time for it to end. Time to quit thinking about the past and move into the future.

"Xander, listen to me. None of them hate you and they all know the truth." She burst out laughing at the shock on his face.

"How?"

"I can't believe you'd actually think that Willow and I wouldn't talk about Angel and what happened. No offense, Xander but men are so dumb sometimes. When I came back and Will and I started talking it didn't take long for us to realize what you had done."

"But you never said---"

"I wanted you to tell me, Xander. I wanted my best friend to come clean and ask for my forgiveness - not because he thought I had caught him in a lie and he had to...not because he thought he was going to be beaten up by Angel or me...but because he felt bad for what he had done. I wanted you to tell me that you were sorry and really mean it and now you have."

"But aren't you mad at me?" Xander asked.

"I was. We all were. I'm not even going to tell you how many ways we thought about making you pay for what you had done. In the end, we remembered all the times you came through for us, how many times you put your life on the line not only for me but for every one of us. Even Angel was impressed with how you stood up to Angelus. You're a good guy, Xander. I know we don't say this often enough, but you're loyal, brave and most of all a very caring friend. Why would we throw that away over one
lie? It was a big one, I'll give you that, but Giles made us see that you might have done the right thing even if it did cause alot of pain. Truth be told, we all had the same doubts that you had only we didn't want to admit that. Besides, I don't think it would have done any good if you had told me the truth. Angel had already opened the portal - I would have had to kill him no matter what." Buffy saw the look of relief that flashed across Xander's face and smiled.

"So where do we go from here?" Xander asked.

"Forward." Buffy leaned over and the two friends hugged, both glad that this was finally resolved. Maybe life would be easier for everybody now.

Part Three

Spike had gotten as far as Los Angeles when he had decided to turn around and head back for Sunnydale. He didn't know why, couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he knew something was wrong with Angel. But why exactly did he care?

Spike passed the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign, not even bothering to knock it down as was his tradition, too lost in thoughts of his brooding sire to notice. Yes, it was true that Angelus had been an arsewipe the last time he had appeared, taunting Spike by making passes at Drusilla while he was confined to that damn wheelchair. Still, Spike had teamed up with the slayer to send Angel to hell, so Spike felt they were even on that score. And Angel - well that was a totally new thing for Spike. Falling in love with a slayer - that was downright icky. Helping that little band of do-gooders and trying to earn his white hat was disgusting. But all said and done, Spike knew why he was coming back. He still cared about Angel - not like before, but he still loved the gelled poof.

Spike was hungry and decided to head towards town to find a meal. He parked his beloved Desoto and strolled through the streets looking for something tasty. There were so many happy meals on legs walking around looking at the Christmas trees and rushing to buy presents for this silly holiday. Spike felt the familiar prickling of his skin and knew the slayer was about somewhere. He searched the crowd and saw her and her mother in the tree lot across the street. Spike smiled, remembering how sweet Joyce had been to him - offering him comfort when he told her about Drusilla and giving him hot chocolate with those tiny marshmallows he liked so much and suddenly his appetite was gone. No way in hell would he repay her kindness by draining someone near her and definitely not Joyce herself. Spike always repaid kindness for kindness and Joyce would always be safe from him, even if he couldn't say the same for her daughter. But if he killed her, wouldn't that cause Joyce grief? Spike sighed and headed back for his car, tossing the cigarette butt on the ground before getting in and heading towards the mansion.

The closer he got to the mansion, the more Spike could sense Angel's pain. He had just pulled his car to the back of the mansion and gotten out when he spotted Angel walking towards town. Spike decided to follow, hoping he could get a clue as to what was bothering Angel before he confronted him. Needless to say, he was very surprised to see who opened the door Angel was knocking on. The watcher. And by the looks of things he wasn't very happy to see Angel. Might be because of the killing his girlfriend and torturing him thing. Humans had a bad habit of holding grudges. Spike slipped closer so that he could hear the exchange between the two men.

"Hello," Giles said.

"I'm sorry to bother you," Angel replied, looking guilty. Spike was surprised to hear the watcher start to laugh and noticed that Angel was feeling the same way, if the look on his face was any indication.

"Sorry. Coming from you that phrase strikes me as rather funny." Giles' expression hardened. "Sorry to bother me."

"I need your help."

"And the funny keeps coming."

"I understand I have no right to ask for it but there's no one else," Angel told him and Spike felt a tug of pain in his heart. Angel must really be in bad shape if he thought he had no one else to turn to except the watcher.

"Alright," Giles said, leaving the doorway and Spike crept closer to see what the man was doing as he heard Angel call out to him.

"I can't come in unless you invite me."

"I'm aware of that," Giles stepped back into the room and pointed a loaded crossbow at Angel and it took everything Spike had not to jump over the bushes and place himself between the two men. "Come in."

"I've been seeing...I've had dreams lately, about the past. It's like I'm living it again, it's so vivid. I need to know..I need to know why I'm here." Spike crept closer, watching through the open door as Giles questioned Angel.

"Here? Back on earth."

"I should be in a demon dimension suffering an eternity of torture." Good grief, Spike thought. Why must Angel always torture himself about what he did as Angelus. Those two were totally different people and the Angelus he had witnessed wasn't even the true Angelus he had loved so very long ago. Spike was relieved to see that Giles had lowered the crossbow.

"I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that."

"But I'm not. I was freed and I don't understand why." Angel approached the man.

"Knowing why you were back would give you peace of mind?"

"It might."

"Then that's something you need help with," Giles was speaking as he layed the weapon on the table and Spike saw the scared look cross his sire's face. What was that all about? Why was Angel staring over Giles' shoulder like that? "Because to be blunt, the last time you became complacent about your existence it turned out rather badly." Giles noticed the change in Angel and the way he was looking over his shoulder and his gaze followed the vampires. "What?"

"Don't you see her?" Angel asked, fear in his voice as he backed away from the watcher. Giles looked around the room before turning back to Angel.

"Who?"

"I can't." Angel ran from the house, Spike following close behind. What the hell had Angel seen that had spooked him so much? Spike had looked around while the watcher was and like the other man, he had seen nothing but the two men in the room.
Angel was definitely cracking up. Spike took an unneeded breath and stepped into the mansion. Angel turned, a bewildered look on his face.

"Spike?"

"In the flesh, mate."

"No, you're not here." Angel shook his head and backed away as Spike approached him.

"Yes, it's me you bloody ponce. I don't know what's happening here, but I've come---"

Angel rushed forward and pinned Spike to the wall, his arm against Spike's throat. "What are you doing back? Do you have anything to do with what's happening to me? Maybe you think if you drive me crazy it will give you a free shot at Buffy and her friends. Is that it?"

Spike shoved Angel backwards and casually reached into his duster pocket for his cigarettes. Angel watched as Spike lit one up and leaned against the wall.

"Angel, you know me. If I wanted to kill the slayer I would do it whether you were around or not, that's just my way."

"And if you tried, I would have to stake you even if it killed me to do it because that's my way." Angel threatened. "That goes for Joyce, Willow, Giles, Xander, Oz and Cordelia as well.
Touch any of them and you'll answer to me."

"Wasn't planning on it, Angel. Not this time, anyway. But I guess you'll have to refresh my memory on who these people are because I don't want to accidentally eat one on my nightly jaunt for food." Angel's eyes narrowed and Spike laughed. "I promise I'll be a good little boy while I'm here. I'll only kill the mean humans. Just shows you how much I want to help you with whatever is going on because you know I like mine young, innocent and very sweet."

"Spike, I'm not bluffing."

"Didn't think you were. Now let's see. I know Joyce and believe me I would never hurt that lady. She's a kind woman, that one. I know you love the slayer. Can't for the life of me figure out why, but I'll leave her alone for your sake. Giles is the watcher and he's too old and definitely not innocent so he's safe. Oz is that werewolf, right?" Angel nodded his head, not knowing what to think of Spike being back in Sunnydale. "I don't fancy eating a werewolf and Cordelia, the cheerleader. Pfft. She's too mean, gives me the creeps she does. Reminds me of Darla." Spike shuddered at the mention of his grandsire. "So
that leaves the litte red headed witch. She is a treat and so pretty. Did you ever notice the power coming off that one?" Spike didn't wait for Angel to answer as he paced back and forth. "She doesn't know she has it yet, but when she discovers it she would definitely make a beautiful vampire."

"Spike---" Angel growled.

"I gave her enough trouble when I was here before, so I'll leave her alone as well. That leaves...oh, yes. Xander. The nummy treat you offered me when Dru and I first came to town. I think it's only fair that I have him. After all, you did offer him to me. First gift I've had from you in over 100 years and---"

"It was a tactical maneuver, Spike and you know that." Angel defended himself, knowing that was yet another thing he had done to add to the long list of wrongs in his life.

"Doesn't matter. You offered...I accepted, but of course you knew I would. Always did go for the dark hair, dark eyes look not to mention the smell of his blood as it coursed through his veins." Spike smiled in recollection. "I sensed innocence, love, compassion and bravery but there was that underlying dark side to him, too. Exactly what I like. Too bad he slept through our last visit."

"As I recall, you knocked him out with a microscope when he tried to stop you from kidnapping Willow."

"Yeah, there was that. Brave lad if not a little stupid. Maybe I'll have a meeting with him this go around. Really get to know him...find out what makes Xander tick."

"You stay away from Xander." Angel stalked towards Spike and the younger vampire started to laugh.

"Relax, poof. I'm not here to bother the humans, just trying to get a rise out of you." Spike's voice became serious. "Angel,
there's something wrong with you and I want to help."

"Why?"

"Because you're my sire. Because of our history together. I still love you, Angel - not the kind of love we had before but the love of a childe for his sire. I give you my word as your childe that I won't hurt any of them and you know I'm a man of my word." Angel stared at his childe for a few minutes and saw the honesty in those words. He knew that if Spike promised him something, he would keep his word.

"What happened to your plans to find Drusilla. The last time Buffy and I saw you, you were heading out to torture her and make her love you again." Angel sat down on the couch and Spike sat next to him.

"Decided it wasn't worth it. Anyone that would choose a Chaos demon over me doesn't deserve my love, even if it is my black Goddess." Angel smiled at Spike's arrogance.

"I hate to tell you this, Spike but Drusilla is a very fickle vampire. I know you well enough to know that you would never be happy with her, no matter how hard you tried. You've always been the type to want a one on one relationship."

"I know that now...that's why I decided against finding her. Let her rot in hell for all I care." Spike was surprised to find that he meant every word he said. "Now, what the fuck is going on with you? I followed you over to the watcher's house and heard you saying something about being haunted by your past? Are you talking ghosts with chains...the whole thing?"

"I don't know what it is, Spike. Every time I lay down to sleep, I have dreams about people I've killed, especially Jenny, Giles' girlfriend. That's who I saw at his house tonight and that's why I ran." Angel looked shaken now and Spike put his arm around the older vampire.

"Don't worry, Angel. I'll chase the nightmares away. Why don't you go and get some sleep and I'll stay our here and keep watch. If you slip into the past, I'll pull you out." Angel nodded and walked towards the bedroom, turning to look at Spike.

"It's good to have you back, childe."

"It's good to be back, sire. Now get yourself off to bed and I'll try to figure out how to find the answers to your questions."

Spike watched Angel trudge back to his bed and hoped that he could actually do what he had promised. Angel wasn't looking very well and Spike vowed then and there to help him, no matter what the cost. Even if he had to team up with the slayer and her little band of do-gooders. No one messed with his family and got away with it.
******************************************
Spike was woken a few hours later when he heard Angel's voice talking to someone. He sat up, noticing the room was empty and turned to ask Angel what was going on. The older vampire was staring at the doorway to the mansion and Spike decided to listen to what he was saying - maybe it would give him a clue about who they were up against.

"You're not here."

"I'm always here." Angel leaned up against the wall, watching the form of Jenny Calendar approach him.

"Leave me alone."

"I can't. You won't let me." Angel sat down on the fireplace and faced her.

"What do you want."

"I want to die in bed surrounded by fat grandchildren but I guess that's off the menu."

"I'm sorry." Angel said, and Spike realized the vampire was seeing someone from his past. But who?

"You're sorry? For me? Don't bother. I'm dead, I'm over it. If you want to feel sorry for someone, you should feel sorry for yourself. Oh, but I guess you've already got that covered."

"I am sorry for what I've done. What else can I say to you?"

"I don't want to make you feel bad," the spirit said, turning into the Irish man he had killed. "I just want to show you who you are."

Spike watched as Angel threw himself to the floor. He ran over to help him, but the older vampire threw him to the side.

The spirit had changed into yet another man Angel had killed, a man who had walked in as Angelus lay in wait after killing his family.

"The thing I remember most is thinking how artful it was. In the dark, they looked just like they were sleeping. It wasn't until I bent down and kissed them good-night that I felt how cold they were. You grabbed me and I thought 'Who would go to so much trouble to arrange them like that?'"

Angel looked up and saw the spirit change back into the servant girl who was bending down in front of him. "But you see, that's what makes you different from the other beasts. They kill to feed, like your friend over there." She pointed at Spike before continuing. "But you took more pleasure in it than any creature that walks or crawls."

"Oh, God." Spike tried to shake Angel out of his stupor but the vampire's eyes weren't even focusing on him, instead looking the other way.

"Angel, Angel, for fuck's sake snap out of it."

"Cry out. Make a scene. He won't know what's going on.
Only you can see us." Angel pushed Spike away and ran forwards a few steps before stopping as if something was in front of him. The Irish spirit was back.

"I was to be married that week. But then, as I recall, you knew that."

"That wasn't me." Angel said and Spike was beginning to be afraid. He hated fighting something he couldn't see.

"Angel, mate, sire...snap out it." Spike approached Angel like he would a scared rabbit.

"That wasn't you?" Jenny was back.

"A demon isn't a man. I was a man once." Angel protested.

"Yes, you were," Spike agreed, not knowing if Angel was talking to him or the thing that was haunting him.

"Oh, yes. And what a man you were. A drunken lout who loved to bed the women and young men."Jenny disappeared and the servant girl took her place.

"A drunken, whoring layabout and a terrible disappointment to your parents."

"I was young. I never had a chance to----" Angel turned and walked the other way and Spike followed him.

"Never had the chance to what, Angel?"

"To die of syphillus? You were a worthless being before you were ever a monster." Angel put his hands to his head and started to pull at his hair.

"Just stop it! Stop!" Angel started to cry and Spike ran to him, taking his sire in his arms.

"Angel, you have to snap out of this!" Angel felt Spike's arms around him and wanted to come back to the present but the spirit wasn't letting him.

"I don't want to hurt you, Angel, but you have to understand. Cruelty is the only thing you had a true talent for. If you don't believe me, just ask your childe when I'm gone."Jenny said.

"That's not true." Angel protested while Spike started to purr, holding him closer.

"Nothing they're saying is true, Angel. Don't listen to them. Come back to me."

"You mistake it for a curse, Angel, but it's not. It's your destiny. I'll show you, I'll show you.."

"Angel, can you hear me? It's Spike, luv. Wake up." When Angel didn't respond, Spike hit him, knocking him to the floor. Angel's head jerked up and he stared at his childe.

"Spike, are they right? Is my only talent cruelty?"

"No, Angel - it's all a lie. Yes, when you were Angelus you were cruel, but you're not now. You help the good guys. I've seen the way you protect them and you're anything but cruel. Don't let this thing beat you, Angel. You're too strong for that to happen." Spike held Angel as the older vampire cried. After a few minutes, Spike led him to the bed. "Just rest."

"I can't, Spike. If I fall asleep, I'll remember again. Remember killing someone and seeing Buffy watching me, disgust on her face."

"You see Buffy in these dreams?" Angel nodded his head.

"It's like we're sharing them. I think they want me to kill her, Spike - and I swear I'm not going to do that, even if it means I have to kill myself." Spike gently rubbed his hand through Angel's hair.

"Not going to come to that. I'm going to find the answers we need to get rid of this thing once and for all. Are you going to be alright?" Angel nodded and Spike gave him one last look before he opened up the trap door and leapt down into the sewers. He was going to get some answers and he was going to get them now.

Part Four

Spike sat at the table in Willy's nursing his mug of blood and thinking about what the little snitch had told him. Things chasing the baddies from underground - what did that mean for his sire. He was frustrated - there could be so many things underground messing with Angel - which ones would it be? Spike was considering going to the slayer and her little gang to see if they could help him research this when he saw two of them come in the door. Buffy and her little boy - the one Angel had offered to him - Xander. He moved to a darker corner of the room, making sure he could still hear and see everything they said.

"So why are you helping Angel, Xander? Guilt over letting me send him to hell? Because that's in the past." Buffy turned to face her friend and Spike found himself watching the boy, curious to hear the answer.

"Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing, and uhm, I don't know maybe I finally got the Hannukah spirit," Xander's voice trembled and his eyes watered up. Buffy gave him a fond look, taking his hand and squeezing it.

"Are you sure this is how you want to spend your Christmas vacation?"

"Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life?"

"Well, it's much appreciated. We have to find out what is hurting Angel before we lose him." Xander nodded and they made their way over to the bar. Willy saw them approaching and tried to warn his customers.

"Hey! It's the slayer. What brings the slayer down here?" Spike almost laughed when he saw the vamps trying to sneak out the back of the bar. *Wimps*.

"Hey, Willy, how you doing?" the slayer asked.

"Keeping out of trouble. As God as my witness. So what can I do for you? A couple of drinks?"

"Yeah, let me get a double shot of uhm, information pal," Xander said trying to sound menacing. *This kid couldn't scare a flea, much less Willy or any of the vamps in here*.

"Three priests, they call themselves the Bringers, Harbingers, they have a no eyes kind of look." Buffy told Willy. The snitch shook his head.

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"How about I ring that bell for you?" Xander asked, leaning over the counter in his best John Wayne imitation. When Willy didn't answer, Xander leaned towards Buffy. "Does the threatening come now?"

"Maybe you shouldn't help," the slayer told him before turning her attention back to Willy. "They would have come to town recently. They'd be holed up somewhere summoning the spirit of the first." Willy glanced around the room before leaning close to the slayer.

"I heard a few things, you know from the underground."

"The underground?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, you know from the things that live underground. Apparently there's been alot of migration out of Sunnydale from the lower inhabitants. Something's scaring them off. And these are things that are not easily scared. Could be your priests are underground."

"Underground where?" Buffy asked.

"That I do not know."

"Okay, thanks," Buffy motioned for Xander to follow as she made
her way to the door. Willy called after the boy.

"Hey, you did great by the way. I was very intimidated by you." Willy told him, trying to make the boy feel good. For some reason, he liked the kid.

"Really?" Xander gave the bartender a goofy grin. Willy nodded and Xander smiled. "Thanks." Buffy rolled her eyes and grabbed her friends arm.

"Let's go."

"Hey kid," Willy yelled. "Merry Christmas." He turned back to the bar to continue his work, glancing over at Spike who put his finger to his lips. He had warned the snitch not to let the slayer or her gang know he was here. It wasn't that he was afraid of the girl - he just didn't have time for a showdown right now. Xander and Buffy had stopped, once again talking and Spike tuned into their conversation as he drank his blood.

"This was such a waste of time," Buffy said dejectedly.

"We know underground, that's a start," Xander tried to cheer his friend up, but it didn't seem to be working.

"Sure. In a town with 14 million square miles of sewer."

"Plus alot of natural cave formations and a gateway to Hell. Yeah, this does resemble square one."

"I don't know what to do."

"I think the best idea is to deck the halls with boughs of holly." Xander put his hand on Buffy's shoulder, and Spike noticed that the Slayer seemed to calm down. "Look, we'll catch the bad guys, sooner or later."

"You're right. We can't give up hope." Buffy agreed. "So, should we head back to the library for more research?"

"You go on ahead. I think I'll stop and get some donuts for everyone. We've been working all night and minds always function better after sugary goodness."

"Fine. I'll meet you back there---"

"In about 30 minutes. And don't worry. I'll make sure there are plenty of jelly donuts. Don't want Giles to get cranky." Buffy and Xander smiled at each other before the slayer left.

Spike shook his head. Xander was definitely not a help to the slayer except for being donut boy. No wonder Angel had offered him to Spike, he was the weak link of the group. Spike stood to leave but stopped when he saw Xander walking back to the bar.

"Okay, Willy now that Buffy is gone, let's have a little talk shall we?" Xander's voice had taken on an edge that was not apparent when he was with Buffy and he definitely seemed more confident.

"About what?"

"Oh, I don't know, how about let's start with what you didn't tell Buffy and work from there." Willy tried to look innocent but it wasn't working. "Don't give me the innocent routine, Willy. Buffy's a little sidetracked what with the worry of Angel and all, but me---well I happened to notice that you're holding back and I don't like it when my friends get jerked around."

"I'm telling you the truth, kid I--" Xander grabbed Willy's collar, cutting off the man's words as he pulled the snitch towards him.

"Know what I think? You know exactly where to find these bringer guys but for some reason you're more scared of them than you are of Buffy, which puts you in a not-sharing mood. The same mood that made you keep it a secret that Spike's back and sitting at that table over there. How am I doing so far?" Spike and Willy exchanged surprised glances before Willy answered his question.

"Pretty damn good, actually."

"Why are you back in town, Spike? Helping the bringers and their boss drive Angel crazy or did you - and don't laugh when I ask this - come back to help Angel?" Xander watched Spike approach, never letting go of Willy's shirt as he pulled a stake from his pocket.

"Think you can take me with that boy?" Spike gestured at the stake and Xander shrugged.

"Probably not, but I'd rather go down fighting than run away like a girly man. And don't call me boy. I'm not a boy, I'm a man...well, technically I'm a teenager."

"And you think me saying 'think you can take me with that, teenager' sounds threatening? Not bloody likely. I'll stick with boy."

"Don't you hate it when people don't listen to you?" Xander asked Willy, before turning back to Spike. "I have a name. It's Xander. Xan-der. And you never answered my question, vampire." Spike smirked at Xander's emphasis of the word vampire. He took a few moments to pull his cigarettes out of his duster, lighting one before answering Xander's question.

"You made your point, Xander. Not that it's any of your business, mind you, I had a feeling Angel was in trouble so I came back to help him."

"Uh huh. And I'm supposed to believe that why exactly? Because you were going to kill Angel to help Drusilla? No wait - I know. Because you went behind Angelus' back in order to help Buffy send him to hell. Right?"

"Could say the same about you, mate." When Xander looked surprised, Spike pointed at his ears. "Vampire hearing."

"Oh. And also, touche'." Xander turned his attention back to Willy. "So Willy, got something to say? And don't lie this time, cause I'm thinking since Spike is still here, you didn't tell him everything, either." Willy gulped when he saw Spike's eyes turn an amber color and he decided to come clean.

"Okay, okay I'll tell you. They're underneath that Christmas tree lot across town. Can't miss it, what with all the dead trees and everything." Xander let go of the man, straightening Willy's collar for him as he smiled.

"See? That wasn't so bad now was it?" He caught sight of Spike leaving and ran over to step in front of him. "Where do you think you're going?" Spike growled and Xander hurried to add, "If you don't mind my asking?"

"I'm going to find those bringers and kick their asses so they'll leave Angel alone."

"And what about the First? How do you plan on kicking it's ass when there's not an ass to kick?"

"What the bloody hell are you talking about, you stupid git? Everything has an ass to kick."

"Not the First. Giles said it wasn't a physical being. Ergo, no ass kicking. I was going to tell you everything I know about this thing while we went to get Buffy, but if you want to go over there, or under there as the case may be, without knowing what you're fighting then be my guest. What's one more crazy vampire in a town full of...well, crazy vampires." Spike wanted nothing more than to wipe that grin off the boy's face but he decided it could wait until later.

"Don't need any soddin' human or books to tell me how to kill things. I've been doin' that for centuries." Spike pushed past Xander, making his way for the door.

"Fine, go ahead, get yourself killed. That's one less lameass vampire we'll have to kill," Xander yelled at him, angry that Spike had dismissed him so easily and forgetting exactly where he was until he heard growls coming from several tables. Xander gripped his stake, backing up as four large vampires neared him. "Suppose you heard that, huh? Would it help if I said I was sorry?" Xander got his answer when one of the vampires knocked him across the room. "Guess not."

Spike turned at the sound of the blow, watching as Xander picked himself up off the floor and faced the vampires. He decided to sit back and see what Xander would do - after all he couldn't care less if one of the slayer's minions bit the dust. He had promised Angel he wouldn't kill one of them but he hadn't said anything about watching one of them die and this could be entertaining.

"Look, if you kill me you're going to be in soooo much trouble." Xander warned them. The vampires looked at each other and started laughing.

"Why? Are we going to get a bad case of indigestion?" one of them asked.

"No. Because I'm friends with the slayer. She finds out you killed me and you're dust." Spike rolled his eyes. How pathetic was this? Xander was hiding behind the slayer's coat tails and she wasn't even here.

"Who's going to tell?"

"He is." Xander pointed at Willy. The vampires turned to look at the startled bartender.

"What!? No, I wouldn't."

"You so would. Buffy knows the last place she saw me alive was here so who do you think she'll question first? And we all know that Willy will tell anybody anything to save his own hide."

"That's true." The four vampires turned towards Willy and Xander took that opportunity to dust two of them before they could react.

"Hey, you tricked us," the first vampire said.

"First rule in fighting - never take your eyes off your opponent," Xander ducked the vampire's swing before staking
him. "Second rule, never telegraph your punches. Third rule--"
Xander's speech was cut off by the remaining vampire, who happened to be the largest one.

"Third rule is to keep your mouth shut." The vampire threw Xander against the wall and he bounced off, coming to rest at the vampire's feet. "Let's have some fun with this one, boys."
he called out to six vampires who were sitting at a nearby table. Xander groaned as the others approached.

"I was going to say, third rule is to take out the biggest guy first." Xander grabbed the large vampire and pulled his feet out from under him, diving onto his chest, stake in the air. Before he could bring it down, Xander found himself being lifted up. He kicked out, accidentally hitting one of the vampires in the chest before he was punched in the face by another.

Xander kept fighting even though he knew he was going to die. If he was going out, he was taking some with him. He was shocked when the vampire on top of him turned to dust and looked up to see Spike standing over top of him, stake in hand.

"You tossers give vampires a bad name. Does it really take seven of you to kill one human?" Spike turned and grabbed the nearest vampire, snapping it's neck and turning it to dust before taking out the next five.

Xander couldn't take his eyes off of the vampire. Spike might be an evil, soulless creature, but his fighting was a work of art. Every punch, kick and block were gracefully executed and Xander had to admit that Spike's style was even better than Buffy's. Far worse was the fact that Xander found himself getting aroused by the sight of Spike fighting. He had always thought that Spike was a handsome vampire, but now he had to upgrade that thinking to gorgeous. *No, not thinking this, not thinking this*. Xander was so lost in his denial that he didn't notice when Spike extended a hand to help him up.

"Are you going to lay there all night like a useless lump or are we going to find the slayer?" Xander looked at Spike's hand for a moment before taking it. Spike helped him up but not before Xander noticed how smooth his hands were. Xander continued to stare at Spike until the vampire became annoyed. "What are you staring at?" Xander almost let it slip that he was staring at Spike's cheekbones, his beautiful blue eyes, his mouth---.

"An annoying vampire, that's what. If you were going to help me out why didn't you do it a little earlier, like say before I got beat up." Xander turned his anger at himself and his thoughts onto Spike.

"Oh, that's gratitude for you. Next time I won't help."

"That's just fine with me. I didn't need your help anyway."

"Yeah, right." Spike shook his head. "Stupid bloody humans. Whine if you kill them, whine if you keep them from getting killed." Spike glared at Xander. "Wanker."

"I don't know what that means but I'm sure I'm offended by it." Xander grabbed a towel off the bar and wiped the blood off his forehead and mouth before dabbing at his nose. "Ow, fuck that hurts. I think it's broken."

Spike cupped one hand around Xander's neck, holding the boy still while he felt his nose with the other. "Not broken, just bent."

"How would you know? Are you a doctor?" Xander pulled away from Spike, not liking the way his body responded to the vampire's touch.

"I've broken enough to know. Let's go find the slayer." Spike turned towards Willy, his finger pointing at the man. "You tell anyone, and I do mean anyone, that I helped a human and I'll kill you."

"Not a peep, Spike. I promise." Willy watched the two of them leave, wondering what in the hell had possessed Spike to save one of the slayer's friends. William the Bloody had saved a human's life. Yes, there was definitely going to be an apocolypse of some kind.

Part Five

Xander was having a hard time wrapping his mind around the concept that he was walking down the darkened streets of Sunnydale with Spike, that Spike had saved his life back at Willy's and most of all that he didn't feel scared. Maybe he really was as dumb as everyone thought he was. Xander couldn't quite put his finger on it, but for some reason he trusted the vampire.

Spike was having similar thoughts. He knew he wanted to help Angel, but why was he hooking up with donut boy to do this. While Xander was attractive, he was only a weak, mortal and Spike never made friends with humans, much less be seen out in public with one. However, Spike had to admit that Xander had done a pretty good job of taking care of those vampires back at Willy's and had managed to get the information that neither he or the slayer could get from the snitch. Maybe Xander wasn't as useless as he liked everyone to think. His attitude after the slayer left had definitely changed.

Still, Spike couldn't figure out why he had bothered to help the boy. He had the information he needed, so why hadn't he just walked out the door and let the vampires have at it? Spike decided to blame it on a combination of knowing Angel would be upset if one of Buffy's friends got hurt and not liking the fact that the vampires had ganged up on the boy. They were definitely a disgrace to vampires everywhere. The only thing Spike knew was that he didn't do it because he felt sorry for Xander - no, that would never do.

"Spike why did you help me out back there? Xander asked, breaking the silence and mirroring Spike's thoughts.

"I need the info you have on this First evil so I can help Angel, that's all." Spike took a drag from the cigarette he had lit earlier, hoping the boy didn't bring up----

"But you said you didn't need it. Said you'd been killing things for centuries and you could kill this thing, too."

"Maybe I decided I should learn how to take care of this thing if it's so powerful it's got Angel on the ropes," Spike admitted. "So are you going to tell me or not?"

"Okay. All I know is Giles found some letters in reference to the First. He said it was the first evil, absolute evil and it was older than man or demons. Said it had the power to bring Angel back from hell."

"So, how do we kill it?" Spike asked.

Xander shrugged. "I don't know. Giles hadn't gotten that far yet. That's why we're headed back to the library - see if he's found something new." Spike grabbed Xander's arm, bringing the boy to a halt.

"Bloody hell, whelp. You said you knew how to kill this thing. What are you playing at? Trying to lure me back to the white hats so they can stake me good and proper?" Xander looked surprised at Spike's accusation and shook his head.

"No. I just believe there's strength in numbers that's all. If this thing is everything Giles says it is, it's going to take more than you or Buffy alone to bring it down. And don't worry about anyone staking you. I'll tell them you're on the up and up - after all, you did save my life back there at Willy's."

"Nothing I care to brag about," Spike muttered, both continuing to walk towards the library once again. Spike glanced over at Xander and noticed the hurt look on his face. "What's the matter with you? Surely you didn't think I rescued you because I wanted us to be best mates or something stupid like that."

"Now why would I think that, Spike? I'm nothing -- besides, last time around you tried to kill me and Willow, so no I didn't think we were going to ---it's just---never mind." Xander pushed the doors open to the library and walked inside, mad at himself for even thinking Spike cared about his welfare. What was the matter with him? Why was he thinking these crazy thoughts about a vampire like Spike? First with the lusty feelings and then getting his feelings hurt, this was ridiculous. He was brought out of his thoughts by the yelling going on around him.

"Xander what are you doing with Spike?" Giles was yelling as Buffy bounded down the stairs.

"Spike if you've turned Xander---" Buffy threatened before nodding her head towards the weapons chest. "Giles, get me my stake."

"No, Buff it's not---"

"Like I would turn him," Spike snorted. "You think I want to go through eternity listening to his mouth?"

"Buffy, he came to help Angel." Xander explained, trying to ignore Spike's remark.

"He doesn't care about Angel." Buffy stepped towards Spike, Xander trying to come between them. "You should have stayed gone, Spike. Don't think I've forgotten the last time you were here. You kidnapped my friends and threatened my mother."

"Never tried to hurt Joyce. She was nice to me. We had a chat over a nice cuppa and she treated me like a human being." Spike insisted.

"Her mistake," Buffy pushed Xander to the side and hit Spike. Spike retaliated and soon both of them were punching and kicking each other.

"Giles, make them stop," Xander pleaded but the older man shook his head. Xander ran over to where Buffy and Spike were fighting. "Stop it! This isn't about you two this is about ANGEL. Remember, ANGEL? The guy that's being tormented by ghosts from his past? The vampire you both say you care about?" Buffy ducked one of Spike's punches and turned to look at her friend just as Xander made it to her side. Xander smiled at her right before Spike's fist connected with his jaw, knocking him across the room.

"Xander!" Buffy ran over to her friend, helping him up as she glared at Spike. "I owe you one for this, Spike."

"I can't help it if the stupid git got in my way," Spike protested and Xander shook his head.

"Let's just call it even. Spike helped me out back at Willy's." Before Buffy or Giles could question him further, Xander turned the topic back to Angel. "So, Giles, have we found out anything else about this haunty thing? Like how to stop it?" He sat down in the chair Buffy had led him to and patiently allowed Buffy to check him over.

"The First as I said is non-corporeal. There is no way to fight it, except to take out the priests who have performed the ritual that is making Angel see things."

"So we take out the no eyes-guys and Angel goes back to normal?" Xander asked. Giles nodded and Xander grinned, pushing Buffy's hand away from his face as he stood. "Let's go kill some priests."

"Music to my ears," Spike said, trying not to feel bad about the swollen eye and cheek Xander was sporting. He watched as Xander made his way to the weapons cabinet, grabbing three axes before returning to the table.

"Xander, there's two problems with your scenario," Buffy said as she took the axe Xander handed her. "First, we don't know where these priests are holed up and second, there's no way you or Spike either one is coming with me. I'll do this myself."

"Not bloody likely. I'm-"

"Buffy, it's like this," Xander interrupted before Spike could go into a rant. "We know where the priests are. You follow us and we'll show you, otherwise, we'll do it ourselves."

"Xander, this is Spike we're talking about," Giles protested.

"I know who he is, Giles," Xander said. "We met, remember?
Once when Angel tried to serve me to him as a meal and a few weeks ago when Spike hit me with a microscope and kidnapped me and Will. But he really wants to help Angel and I'm thinking we may need all the able bodies we can to kill these priest guys. If they can work magic that's powerful enough to take down Angel then Buffy needs all the help she can get - even Spike's."

"Xander, believe me when I tell you I'm mad enough to kill anything that gets in the way of my helping Angel. I don't--"

"How do you know that, Buffy? Are you willing to risk your life and Angel's because you're too proud to let Spike help?" Buffy glared at Spike who returned the look.

"I don't need to wait around here for the slayer's approval. I know where they are and how to kill them."

"Which you wouldn't know if it hadn't been for us," Xander argued. "You may be a super strong vampire but you don't know how many of those guys are down there. I'll ask you the same question I asked Buffy? Does Angel's life, or unlife as the case may be, mean so little to you that you're willing to risk it to prove a point?" Spike stared at Xander for a few moments before he shook his head.

"Fine, I'll play nice if the slayer will." Xander turned to Buffy who nodded her head.

"It's about time. Let's go." Xander started to walk towards the door but Buffy grabbed his arm.

"You're not going, Xander." Buffy told him. "You need to stay here and let Giles fix you up." She pointed towards his face. Xander reached up and wiped the blood that was still trickling down from his forehead.

"I've been hurt worse before. I need to do this, Buffy. Maybe it will...I just need to, okay? Besides, somebody has to keep you and Spike from killing each other on the way over and we're wasting time arguing." Xander walked determinedly to the doors as Buffy threw her hands up in the air before following, Spike close behind. No one said a word as they made their way to the Christmas tree lot.
************************************************
Buffy kicked open the gate of the tree lot, marching towards the six dead trees arranged in a circle at the back of the lot. All the trees around them were fine.

"This must be the place." Buffy, Spike and Xander removed the trees before hitting at the ground with their axes. After a couple of swings from all of them, there was a hole large enough for them to get through. "I'll go in first." Buffy crouched down and dropped into the hole, Spike and Xander following.

Xander looked around and noticed they were inside a cave. He followed Buffy and Spike deeper into the cave, taking in the sight of the many burning candles along the sides. *Definitely the right place*. They heard chanting in front of them and followed the voices, coming to stand in front of a table with six priests sitting around it.

"Alright, ten more minutes of chanting and then you guys have to go to bed." Buffy told them, causing the priests to jump up and take a fighting position.

"Don't throw a tantrum on us, guys. Your bedtime is later than mine." Xander said, hefting his axe and preparing to fight.

Xander swung his axe into one priest's stomach, doubling him over before hitting another one in the head. Xander turned back to the first one and buried his axe into it's stomach. He went to kill the other one, but he was already running away. Xander looked over to see Buffy and Spike quickly take out their guys.

"One of mine got away," he yelled, but Buffy didn't seem to mind. She used her axe to destroy the artifacts that were lying on the table in front of her, trying to break the spell. As the last artifact fell to the ground, Jenny Calendar appeared before them.

"Buffy...it's Ms. Calendar," Xander pointed and Buffy stared, while Spike smirked.

"Not the teacher. That's the First."

"Hmmm. I'm impressed." Jenny/The First told them.

"We aim to please," Xander tried to joke, still affected by the sight of his dead teacher standing in front of him. Buffy shook off her surprise and faced the woman, defiance in her eyes.

"You won't get Angel."

"Hmm. You think you can fight me? I'm not a demon, little girl. I am something that you can't even conceive. The First Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop of hate."

"Alright, I get it. You're evil." Buffy was beginning to lose her patience.

"Bet you're a real busy person, what with the being everywhere at one place, huh?" Xander asked.

"Do we have to chat about this all day?" Spike was as unimpressed by the First as it was of them.

"Angel will be dead by sunrise. Your Christmas...will be his wake. You have no idea what any of you are dealing with."

"Lemme guess. Is it...evil?" Buffy's voice dripped with sarcasm. They watched as Jenny shrunk, replaced for an instant by an image of a huge horned beast coming at them. It was roaring and it's eyes were glowing red. It faded as quickly as it had appeared, screaming a final warning.

" Dead By Sunrise!

"We've got to find Angel," Spike told them. All three of them ran as fast as they could to Angel's mansion. Xander couldn't keep up and ran in as Buffy and Spike were combing the place.

"Angel!" Buffy yelled, running towards the atrium and looking out. She saw the steps leading up and began to run for them. "He must have gone up here." Spike and Xander followed, pushing their way through the bushes as they frantically looked for Angel. As they came to the top of the hill, they saw Angel standing, looking out over the town. Buffy slowly began to walk towards him and Spike was about to follow, when Xander grabbed his arm. Spike turned to see the boy shaking his head at him.

"Don't. Let Buffy do this. If anyone can talk him out of killing himself, it's her."

"He's my sire," Spike said. "I think he would listen to me."

"Maybe. But I think all of us confronting him at the same time will only hurt and confuse him. Let's try the one on one thing first, okay. And you need to be close to the mansion, under these nice shrubs in case the sun comes up. You're flammable too, remember?"

"Seems to me you wouldn't be bothered by one less vampire." Spike seemed to be surprised by Xander's concern.

"Normally, you'd be right. But you've put yourself on the line for someone you care about and I respect that." Xander replied honestly, before turning to watch Angel and Buffy. He listened as his friend tried to convince the vampire to come inside, not paying attention to the fact that Spike was staring at him in amazement. *Who was this kid?*.

"Angel, please you have to get inside." Buffy was telling Angel who turned to look at her.

"It told me to kill you. You were in the dream, you know. It told me to lose my soul in you and become a monster again." He turned away from her, tears in his eyes.

"I know what it told you. What does it matter?" Buffy asked and Angel spun around to face her again, anger in his eyes.

"Because I wanted to. Because I want you so badly." Angel began to sob. "I want to take comfort in you and I know it will cost me my soul and a part of me doesn't care. I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs to be killed, Buffy. It's the man."

"You're weak. Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back but if it did it's because it needs you and that means you can hurt it. Angel you have the power to do real good, to make amends, but if you die now then all that you ever were was a monster. Angel, please the sun is coming up---"

"Just go."

"I won't.

"Do you think this is simple? Do you think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what I've done. Now go." Buffy reached for Angel's arm and he threw it off of him.

"You are not staying here." Buffy punched Angel in the jaw and Angel knocked Buffy to the ground. Xander started to go to his friend, but Spike held him down.

"Spike, he's going to hurt her."

"No, he's not. And if Angel did decide to hurt the slayer, what exactly would you do to stop him?"

"Anything it took." Xander muttered, turning back to watch Buffy and Angel.

"I love you so much," Buffy sobbed. "And I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help." She pushed Angel off of her and rose to her feet, Angel following. "And I hate it. I hate that it's so hard and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything you did because you did them to me. God, I wished that I wished you dead. I don't...I can't."

"Buffy, please....just this once," Spike and Xander saw that he was crying too. "Let me be strong."

"Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's everyday, but it's what we have to do. We can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch, and do not expect me to mourn for you because..." Buffy's words were cut off when snow began to fall. She and Angel looked around in amazement as did Spike and Xander. It was then that Spike noticed the sun hadn't come up nor was it going to. He stood up and turned to face Xander, who had also risen, tears rolling down his cheeks. Spike watched as Xander turned and wiped the tears away.

"Sun's not coming up today."

"How do you know that?" Xander asked, looking back at him.

"Vampire senses."

"So everything's okay now?" Spike nodded. "Good. This makes us even now, Spike. You helped me at Willy's, I helped you with Angel."

"What about this?" Spike pointed at Xander's swollen eye and bloodied face.

"Thought I covered that with the 'I helped you with Angel'. What part of that did you not understand?" Xander was upset that Spike had seen him get emotional at his friend's pain and he didn't want the vampire feeling sorry for him, not that Spike would.

"Be that way. I can't believe I was starting to feel bad about hitting you but you know what? I'm glad I did." Spike glared at Xander, pissed that he had even felt the slightest bit guilty about clocking the boy.

"Oh, yeah? Well, it's the last time you get a free hit, Spike. You hurt me or any of my friends ever again and I swear I'll kill you - even if it means waiting for you to fall asleep so I can set you on fire." Xander retorted, just as Buffy and Angel walked up to the two of them.

"What's going on?" Angel asked, his face going from curious to angry when he saw Xander's face and heard the boy's words. "Xander, why are you threatening Spike? Spike, what did I tell you about not hurting anyone?"

"No threatening, Angel. Just giving Spike fair warning." Xander told him but was ignored when Spike got mad at Angel.

"So this is the thanks I get for helping you? No 'thank you, Spike' just a harsh word and a kick in the ass to send me on my way?"

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Buffy pointed towards town. "Hit the road and this time, don't come back."

"Buffy, hold on a minute. I don't want Spike to leave. He came here to help me, even though he didn't have to. I know Spike and I know how hard it must have been for him to fight alongside humans, especially Xander - but he did it for me." Angel told her, before smiling at Spike. "I'd be happy if you'd stay for awhile. It gets lonely in that big mansion all by myself."

"Ta, mate, don't mind if I do." Spike smirked at Buffy who whirled around to face Angel.

"Angel, are you still crazy? Have you forgotten what Spike did the last time he was here? I don't trust him and I don't want him in my town."

"Buffy, this isn't yourtown and Spike has agreed not to hurt anyone while he's here." Angel told her.

"He's already hurt Xander and what did you mean it was hard to work beside Xander?" Buffy asked as Xander placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Spike didn't---"

"I'm sure if Spike hit Xander it was probably with good cause. Come on, Buffy, I don't want to argue with you but there have been plenty of times I've wanted to hit Xander and I've got a soul. The boy has a habit of running his mouth until you want to hit him."

"The boyis standing right here," Xander pointed out, angry and a little hurt that Angel was talking about him like this after he had gone to such lengths to help him.

"I can't believe you just said that Angel. Xander may annoy you but he's not nearly as bad as Spike and you just asked him to live with you."

"What do you want me to say, Buffy? Xander has tried to come between the two of us since day one and let's not forget his part in sending me to hell."

"And that wasn't Spike that went behind your back to ally himself with me?" Buffy asked. "At least Xander isn't a hypocrite."

"What do you call lying to his friends and---"

"Shut up! Both of you, just please shut up for a minute." Xander yelled, getting their attention. He stepped forward to stare intently at Angel. "Yes, I've tried to come between you two and yes I helped send you to hell but it isn't all about jealousy. You seem to have a way of hurting my friends, especially Buffy, whether you mean to or not and that doesn't really inspire me to think much of you either. I went out of my way to help you with this problem so that I could show how sorry I was about my part in the hell thing but if you don't understand that - well that's your problem." Angel looked at him in surprise but before he could say anything, Xander added, "And by the way, may I just point out that you're not a people person."

"I'm a vampire, Xander - I have two modes with people, bite and avoid."

"Well, that's a sad way to look at it. If you never allow people into your heart the world can be a very lonely place. I've learned it's worth it to have friends - even if there's only one or two really good ones." Xander turned to Buffy and took her free hand in his while he smiled at his friend. "I appreciate you trying to take up for me, Buff but don't bother. Deadboy and I will never be friends any more than you were with Cordelia. We'll deal, okay?" Buffy nodded and Xander kissed her on the cheek. "I'm going to head home. It's been a long night. Merry Christmas, Buffy."

"Merry Christmas, Xan." Buffy watched her friend walk down the hill and then turned to Angel. "Want to take a walk with me?"

"Sure. Spike, why don't you go back to the mansion and make yourself at home. There's blood in the fridge. I'll be back in a few hours." The two vampires exchanged a look, both of them knowing that Spike would not drink the bagged blood but neither of them wanting Buffy to know this.

"I think I will. I'm a little knackered." Spike walked back to the mansion to wait for Angel and Buffy to leave. As soon as they did, he made his way towards town intent on finding supper.
*******************************************
Spike wandered aimlessly through Sunnydale, trying to kill time until he got sleepy. He was restless after the fight and for some reason he couldn't get his mind off the boy - Xander. While a part of him found Xander to be an annoying git with a big mouth, the other part found himself liking the boy's spunk and wit. One minute Xander seemed helpless, the next he was fighting with a tenacity that rivaled his own. One minute Xander would be making smartass remarks at him, the next it seemed like the boy wanted to be his friend. Xander hated Angel and Buffy being together, yet he had cried at the scene on the hill. Yes, Xander was definitely a puzzle, and Spike had to admit that he enjoyed trying to figure puzzles out. Before he knew what was happening, Spike found himself standing on the sidewalk outside the Harris house. He knew where the slayer and all her little slayerettes lived and Xander's house was definitely unforgettable. It was probably the shabbiest house on the block, if not all of Sunnydale.

Spike noticed that there were no decorations on the house, no tree shining merrily in the window, no sign whatsoever that this was Christmas Day. He listened closely and heard the faint sound of Christmas music coming from the back of the house. Spike crept towards the back yard and looked over the fence. *Yes, that was definitely music, where was it coming from?* He slid the latch over and opened the gate, stepping quietly into the back yard.

It took him a few minutes to find what he was looking for. Xander was lying in a sleeping bag near the porch, his head almost completely covered except for his eyes and hair. The boy appeared to be asleep, a half eaten dinner on a plate nearby. There was a comic book lying open next to the bag, along with a lantern and a small cd player from where the music was coming. Spike was filled with a mixture of sadness at the sight of the seemingly lonely boy and anger at the thought that Xander would sleep outside knowing what roamed the streets of Sunnydale. A small smirk crossed Spike's face at the thought of teaching the boy a lesson. Maybe if he scared Xander enough, he would learn not to make himself such a target, plus it would be fun.

Spike silently made his way towards the sleeping boy, bending down to grab Xander, intent on biting the young man just enough to put the fear of vampires in his heart. He was shocked when he found himself on the cold, wet ground, a stake close to his heart as he looked into Xander's surprised brown eyes. Xander pulled back and sat down, the sleeping bag still wrapped around him.

"Jesus, Spike - I almost staked you. What the hell are you doing creeping up on me like that?" Spike sat up and wiped the snow from his duster.

"Just testing your reflexes, mate. Glad to see you passed the test. And you didn't almost stake me. I was getting ready to stop you." Spike sounded indignant at the thought of Xander getting the best of him.

"When were you planning on stopping me? When the stake actually entered your chest or as you turned into a pile of dust?"

"Pfft. You weren't even close to my chest," Spike argued, trying to sound nonchalant even though the boy had scared the unliving shit out of him.

"Oh, I was too and you know it. If your heart was still beating you would have died from a heart attack." Xander bragged.

"Would not."

"Would so."

"Not."

"So."

"What the bloody hell are you doing out here anyway, when there's a nice warm house right behind you? Are you asking to get killed? Might as well put a sign around your neck that says 'free meal'." Spike ranted, trying to change the subject.

"Why do you care? Last time I heard, you hated humans."

"Still do. And I don't care. It's just....if something happened to you then the slayer would be upset which would make Angel upset and that would make me ---"

"Upset," Xander finished for him. "So this is all about Angel?"

"Who else?" Spike asked, feeling uncomfortable and not knowing why.

"I don't think you need to worry about Angel getting upset over something happening to me, Spike. Didn't you hear him earlier?"

"He didn't say anything about killing you. Just said he wanted to hit you sometimes, that's all."

"Whatever." Xander rearranged his sleeping bag and layed back down, pulling the bag up to his chin. "You can leave now."

"Never answered my question. Why are you out here when there's a nice warm bed inside? Why sleep out here where the nasties are?" Spike watched as Xander shivered from the cold.

"Because the nasties aren't always outside your front door, Spike. Sometimes, they live with you." Spike saw a tear fall from Xander's eye before he turned away from him. "I answered your question so you can go home now. Or has Angel already gotten tired of having you around and thrown you out?"

"He's still out with the slayer, I suppose. I came out for a bite." Xander turned at those words and Spike smiled. "Don't worry. I promised Angel I'd be good while I'm here. I'll only snack on the baddies."

"How do you know if someone's good or bad?" Xander asked, letting his curiousity get the best of him.

"Their smell."

"You're saying that if a person stinks he or she is bad?" Xander was confused. "That's not true. I knew this one kid - Kenny Edwards, he only took a bath once a month. Man, did he reek...but he wasn't a bad kid. Actually, he was kinda nice...if you could get past the smell."

Spike rolled his eyes at the boy. "Not talking about how many baths someone takes, although taking a bath once a month is evil. You can tell alot about people from their natural scent. I can tell who is innocent, who has a dark side, can tell when someone's aroused, if they're happy or sad, if they're lying or telling the truth...that kind of thing."

"Wow, that's kinda cool. Vampires could really be useful, you know. I mean think about it. If they were policemen, they would know if someone was lying about committing a crime. If they were a doctor, they could tell whether someone was taking drugs or not. Or they could work at airports and sniff out drugs and stuff like those trained dogs do and..."

"Oi! No comparing vampires with trained dogs. It's not like we're going to roll over and fetch." Xander laughed when he got a mental picture of Spike and Angel doing just that and Spike gave him a mock glare.

"Sorry," Xander said, trying to gather his composure. "So, did you find anybody to, uh, you know.."

"A couple, but I'm still starving," Spike smiled when he smelled the fear coming from the boy. "Why are you afraid, Xander?

"Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe because I've got a hungry vampire staring at my neck. Let me warn you ahead of time, Spike. This blood ain't for sale. It stays with the original owner."

"Wasn't thinking about buying it. Vampires take things they want."

"Then why don't you take your ass back to Angel's where it belongs," Xander told him. "I'm tired and I want to go back to sleep."

"How can you sleep when the day is just beginning?" Spike prodded Xander.

"Easy. You close your eyes like this," Xander shut his eyes. "Besides, you're a vampire. Aren't you supposed to be sleeping now?"

"Usually, but this is different. No sun, can stay out as long as I like and there's snow." Spike scooped up a handful of snow and stuck it down Xander's shirt, making the boy yelp as he sat up, wriggling around to get the cold snow off his back.

"You think that's funny!? Xander asked, watching Spike laugh. He picked up some snow and rolled it into a ball before shoving it into Spike's face. Now it was his turn to laugh as Spike looked at him, water dripping down his face. They stared at each other for a minute or two before Spike jumped on top of Xander and soon both of them were rolling around in the snow, grabbing up handfuls and shoving them down shirts, pants, on top of each other's head and in their faces. After a few minutes, Xander gave up, begging Spike to stop between fits of laughter. The laughter died when the porch light came on and Xander sat up so quickly he knocked Spike onto the ground.

"Shit...Spike, get out of here. Go home."

"What's wr---"

"Just go, okay." Xander pushed Spike under the bushes just as the door swung open. A large, apparently drunken man stood in the doorway.

"Xander, is that you boy?"

"Yeah, it's me dad." Xander walked over to the porch, shaking the snow off of him.

"What the fuck are you doing out here? It's bad enough I have to listen to your mother crying because you won't come inside and spend Christmas with us but now you're waking me up at 6 in the morning? What's going on out here anyway?" The man looked around before turning his attention back to his son. "Have you been fighting again?"

"Yeah...I was asleep and someone came up and...I think it was a burglar...I tried to catch him but he got away." Xander flinched when his dad grabbed him by the collar and shoved him up against the door.

"What have I told you about fighting, boy? Why don't you ever listen to me? You couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag and yet all you want to do is fight, fight, fight. I'm tired of giving all my money to the hospital to get your sorry ass fixed, you understand me boy?" Xander looked at his father and Spike saw the anger in the boy's eyes.

"I understand that over half those times, it was your fault I was in the hospital in the first place." Xander's father went to punch Xander but he ducked and the older man ended up hitting the wall instead. He cursed and threw another punch but Xander ducked that one as well. "Don't make me hurt you, dad."

Xander's father laughed at those words. "Like you could hurt me, boy." Xander blocked the next swing and landed a right hook to his dad's face, knocking him backwards into the kitchen. Xander entered the house and Spike crept closer to watch.

"I don't wantto hurt you, dad. Doesn't mean I won't." Xander extended his hand to help his father up but the older man refused to take it, getting up on his own.

"Get out of my house, Xander. Stay out there, get pneumonia and die for all I care. You've been nothing but trouble for me since the day you were born. Your attitude stinks and I don't want you back in here until you appreciate what your mother and I do for you, is that understood?" Xander turned to leave and his dad threw a glass at him, hitting the boy in the back. "Keep the noise down back there or I'll call the cops and have you arrested. Maybe if you went to jail they could find some use for you there cause you're definitely useless around here." The man slammed the door behind Xander, locking it before heading back up to bed.

Xander walked past Spike, not saying a word as he once again re-arranged his sleeping bag and laid back down, his good mood gone. Spike walked over to him and leaned down to whisper, "Sorry if I got you in trouble, mate."

"Yeah, I bet you are. Listen it doesn't matter, okay. I stay in trouble so don't pride yourself on getting my dad mad at me. It wasn't a big accomplishment. Now will you go?" Spike stared at the wet cover, Xander's wet clothes and the way the boy was shivering and for some unknown reason, he felt sorry for the stupid child.

"Gonna catch your death of a cold. Why don't you come back to Angel's---"

"No thanks, Spike. I try to stay away from places where I'm not wanted. Why the hell do you think I'm out here in the first place? Besides, I don't need any help from an evil vampire." Xander turned away from Spike and the vampire stood up, shaking his head angrily.

"That's fine with me. I hope you get pneumonia and kick the bucket. Then I can drain you and Angel and the slayer can't say anything about that because you'd already be dead." Spike stalked off, not knowing why he was so angry and hurt about the boy's ungratefulness. Why should he care about some human, much less Xander Harris. He slammed the gate shut and took off down the road, not knowing that Xander had watched him leave, wondering why he had been so hard on Spike. It wasn't his fault his home life sucked and he was only trying to be nice. Xander curled back up in the sleeping bag, got as comfortable as he could and tried to go to sleep, thoughts of Spike running through his mind.

Part Six

Part Seven

Part Eight

It had been a week since the 'bonding party' as Xander had dubbed it. He lay in his bed, a smile on his face as he recalled what had happened.

Xander had fallen asleep to awaken to the smell of bacon, eggs
biscuits and gravy. He had to admit that Angel was one hell of a cook considering he didn't eat. Xander and Spike had both cleaned their plates, going back for seconds. Xander had complimented Angel on his cooking abilities and Angel had told him how Spike had somehow managed to round up the food for their feast. Xander had thanked them profusely, touched that they would go out of their way for him like this. It had been the best Christmas Xander had managed to have in a long time.

Xander had wanted to do something special for them so he had offered to teach Angel and Spike how to snowboard. Spike had finally agreed but Angel had bowed out, saying that Buffy was coming by later on. While he went to take a shower, Spike and Xander had made their way back to Xander's house.

"I don't like the idea of you coming back here, Xander." Spike watched the boy rummage through the garage until he found what he was looking for.

"It'll be okay. They won't even notice we're here. It's time for the football games, some more beer followed by lots of cursing and passing out." Xander pulled out two skateboards and Spike's eyes widened.

"You expect me to go down a big pile of snow on a piece of wood like that?"

"Why not? If I can do it, you can, too. You've got that natural grace and coordination thing that master vampires have." Xander proceeded to take the wheels off both boards before handing one to Spike. "I love snowboarding, but I haven't done it in a long time. Not much snow in California."

"So where did you learn?"

"My grandmother on my dad's side used to live in Colorado. She died a few years ago. I used to visit her as often as I could - she was the best of the Harris clan and she really loved me. She knew I liked to skateboard, so one winter when I went to visit she paid someone to teach me how to snowboard."

"And you think you're good enough to teach me?" Spike asked.

"I do alright. I can make it down the hill before you without falling on my ass - can you say the same thing?" Xander saw Spike's eyes light up at the challenge.

"Point the way and we'll find out." Xander led the way, taking them across town to the highest hill in Sunnydale that could serve as a makeshift ski slope. There weren't as many people there as Xander had anticipated, most of them having been there earlier in the day. Xander smiled, noticing that the various things the kids had used to sled down the hill had packed the snow down.

"It's going to be a fast trip, Spike. Are you sure you can handle this? Want me to give you some pointers?"

"I can handle it fine, whelp. And the faster, the better." Spike hoped his mouth wasn't overriding his brain. They found a safe spot away from all the other people and Spike watched Xander place his board on the snow before putting one foot on it. He saw that Xander was waiting for him so he copied the boy's movements, adding stretches and flexing his muscles before he put his foot on the board in front of him. "Are we ready to do this then?" Xander grinned at the vampire's confidence.

"I am if you are. We'll count to three and take off at the same time. And no cheating." Spike gave him a 'who me?' look. "I mean it, Spike. No starting early, no trying to knock me over on your way down, etc., etc."

"Gonna take the fun out of it." Spike muttered. "Want to put a wager on this race?"

"How much?"

"Ten dollars."

"You're on." They shook hands on it and Xander patted Spike
on the shoulder. "Oh, yeah, Spike I almost forgot. A word of advice. Don't let the board hit you where the Good Lord split you."

"Very funny, Harris. Start counting."

"One....two...what the hell are you doing, Spike?" Xander stopped his counting to ask the vampire who was now sitting on the board, a smirk on his face.

"Waiting for you to count to three so I can sled down this bloody hill and win ten dollars." Spike explained as if he were talking to a three year old child.

"You can't snowboard sitting down. You have to stand up." Xander pointed out but Spike shook his head.

"Never said nothing about that. The bet was whoever got down to the bottom of the hill first without falling on his ass wins the dosh."

"Without falling on your ass implies that you're standing up in the first place, Spike."

"No it doesn't. Now are you going to count to three or do you want me to do it?"

"I'll do it, but---"

"What's the matter, Xander? Can't count to three?"

"I can count, Spike. But you're---"

"Really? What comes after two?" Spike asked innocently as Xander glared at him.

"Three, you nimrod....Spike, that's cheating!" Xander yelled at the vampire's back, before hopping onto his board and pushing off. "Note to self. Never make a bet with a vampire who cheats."

Needless to say, Spike had won the race and most of the ones after - even standing up. They had spent almost three hours on the hill - racing, having snowball fights and building a vampire snowman, complete with fangs and ridges. When Xander had asked where Spike had learned his artistic skills, Spike had admitted that Angelus had taught him.

They had returned to the mansion, making sure they weren't intruding on Angel and Buffy before they headed inside. Angel had reheated the leftovers, Xander and Spike relating the events of their day as they ate. Xander had asked Angel to tell him what Ireland was like and he had fallen asleep, picturing the country Angel was describing. He had stayed with Angel and Spike for three days before going home.

The alarm clock blared, shaking Xander out of his reverie. He shut it off, making his way to the shower. There was a New Year's Eve party tonight at the Bronze and for the first time, Xander was actually looking forward to going. He loved his friends, but usually he was the odd man out at these things. Buffy and Angel were going, as were Willow and Oz. Cordy had hooked up with Devon again and Giles was bringing some woman from England named Olivia.

Xander had invited Spike, saying that they could hang together but the vampire hadn't committed himself, although he had looked pleased that Xander had asked. Spike had made a lot of noise about hating humans, not wanting to associate with the Slayer, etc. but in the end he told Xander he would think about coming. Xander kept telling himself that he only wanted Spike to be at the party so he could have someone to talk to or shoot pool with but deep inside, he knew that wasn't altogether true. Xander knew that he had a huge crush on the handsome vampire.
**************************************
"Would you hurry up, Spike? I told Buffy I would meet her at the party a half hour ago."

"So what's stopping you?" Angel looked at him pointedly and Spike shifted his feet as he took the last drag off his cigarette. "I don't know why I can't smoke in there...besides, no one told you to wait for me."

"Look, Spike. I want you to interact with the gang and get to know them. They're a nice group of kids and I think you'd like them if you gave it a chance. Besides, I might want you to help me look after them from time to time and I need them to trust you in order for that to happen."

"I told you when I first came back I wasn't going to be no fucking 'white hat'. Made that perfectly clear from the beginning and now you want to go and change the soddin' rules on me."

"Yes, you did tell me that. But I thought after you and Xander became friends things had changed." Spike looked at Angel in surprise.

"Just because I was nice to the boy a few times it doesn't mean he's my mate. I was friendly to the bint behind the counter at the 7-11 when I bought my smokes tonight - does that mean I'm going to take her home and have a nice shag?" Angel smiled at Spike's words.

"How did we end up talking about you shagging someone when I was only pointing out that you and Xander had become friends? Is there something you'd like to tell me?"

"About the bint? She's not my type." Spike said, deliberately misunderstanding Angel's question. The girl had been pretty enough for a human and she had made sure that Spike knew she was available for anything he wanted to do, but she reminded Spike too much of the slayer. Besides, he was certain the girl wouldn't want Spike to do what he really wanted to do with her, which was drain her dry.

"No, she wasn't. I know your type. Dark hair and dark eyes like---"

"What are you getting at, peaches?" Spike interrupted, angry that Angel was coming close to figuring out exactly what was going on in his mind.

"Nothing." Angel tried to act innocent, but Spike knew he was leading up to something. "Just that you've been spending quite a bit of time with Xander." There it was. Angel had hit the nail on the head. Xander. The one word that could make Spike's emotions spiral out of control.

"Are you suggesting I'm sporting a hard on for the boy?"

"No, but it seems funny that every time I bring up Xander your mind wanders to shagging and hard ons. I think you may be developing feelings for him."

"Yeah, I am. I feel sorry for him, okay? Xander's drawn a tough lot in life. Bad parents, living on the Hellmouth, helping the slayer when he doesn't have any special powers not to mention the way he manages to get himself into trouble all the time. But that's all there is to it." Spike tried to sound convincing, but it was hard to do when he wasn't convinced himself.

"So Xander wasn't the reason you changed your shirt five times before we left the mansion?"

"I wanted to look good for all the bints inside. It's New Years Eve and I plan on getting lucky." They walked into the Bronze and Angel tried not to smile as he watched Spike scan the crowd. He knew his childe's habits. Spike wasn't checking out the room as a predator would...he was looking for someone in particular and Angel had a feeling that someone was Xander.
**************************************
Spike was searching the crowd for Xander, not paying attention to the fact that Angel was watching him. He tried to look casual, even managing a few flirtatious smiles with some of the prettier girls and guys that were looking him over, but none of them came close to truly capturing his attention. As much as Spike's head was trying to fight his feelings for the boy, his heart was telling him that Xander was special. Spike didn't want to care about a mere mortal but Xander was doing a good job of working his way into Spike's life. Well, Spike would just have to change that tonight. He'd find a pretty girl or guy, have a nice shag and forget all about the boy before he got himself in too deep. With newfound resolve he concentrated on the conversation going on around him.

"I was beginning to think you weren't going to show," Buffy was telling Angel, wrapping her arms around the vampire.

"You know I wouldn't stand you up." Angel gave her a quick kiss. "I was waiting on the slow poke here." Buffy turned her attention to Spike.

"Hello, Spike." Her words were casual, her voice edging on friendly, but underneath it all Spike knew she was doing this for Angel. She didn't trust him any more than he trusted her and why should she? He was a vampire for fuck's sake. He was supposed to be making a meal of these kids instead of looking around the room like a lovesick puppy.

"Slayer."

"The name's Buffy, Spike." Angel gave Spike a look, while he squeezed Buffy's hand. The rest of the gang had appeared and Angel decided to introduce everyone before the tension in the room rose to a new level.

"Spike, you remember Willow, Oz, Cordelia and Giles. This is Olivia, Giles' date and this is Faith." The group greeted him, having been filled in earlier by Buffy about how Spike had helped Angel and how the older vampire had wanted him to stay on. They had been angry and upset at first, each of them remembering their encounters with Spike. Finally, after talking to Buffy and Xander both, they had decided to give the vampire a chance to prove himself.

"Two slayers." Spike could feel the tingling that told him that Faith was indeed a slayer. "What did I do to deserve getting that lucky?"

"Oh, you haven't gotten lucky yet, Spike. Tell you what. If you're a good vampire maybe I'll see what I can do about changing that." Faith was clearly flirting with Spike. *What was it about the Hellmouth that made the slayers want to fuck the vampires instead of killing them?*

"Is that right?" Spike flirted back. Faith had the dark hair and dark eyes going for her. She had a fuller figure than Buffy, which was also a plus. Maybe with enough alcohol Spike could forget about---"

"So where's Xander?" Angel asked and Spike silently cursed. Why was Angel making this harder on him? He grabbed a beer and chugged it down before grabbing a bottle of JD from a passing waiter. When the man stopped, Spike pointed at Angel. "This goes on his tab." Angel nodded and the man walked away.

"Xander hasn't gotten here yet. I'm sure he's on his way though. I called him earlier and he said he would be here." Willow told Angel. The group talked for a few minutes before Oz took Willow's hand.

"We'll see you guys later. Devon and I have a set to play and we're taking our groupies with us." Oz and Devon led Willow and Cordelia through the crowd as Giles turned to Olivia.

"Would you like to dance?"

"I think that would be lovely." The two of them disappeared into the crowd just as Buffy pulled on Angel's arm.

"What about a dance?" Angel shook his head.

"I don't dance."

"You do now." Buffy led Angel onto the dance floor, leaving Faith and Spike behind. Faith turned to face Spike.

"Let's have a go at the dance floor. I want to see what it is that makes Buffy so hot for vampires."

"Not interested." Spike took another swig from the bottle.

"Oh, you will be after this dance." Spike let Faith lead him onto the dance floor and closed his eyes when she took him into her arms. He tried to pretend that the body rubbing against him was someone else but it wasn't working - wrong body parts. Spike decided to quit trying to pretend and focus on her instead. Soon they were dancing seductively, their dance looking more like two people having sex than a dance. Faith's hands cupped Spike's ass pulling him towards her as she grinded her body into his and he did the same to her. She put her mouth to his ear, giving it a nip before whispering to him.

"How about finding someplace dark and cozy? I want to take you for a test drive. I have a tendency to give into my animal instincts." Faith licked Spike's bottom lip before biting it.

"That's good, because I tend to do the same." Spike licked her bottom lip before taking her into a bruising kiss, their bodies still grinding to the music. After a few moments they made their way to a dark corner of the room, both of them caught up in the moment as their hands groped each other's bodies.

"So what do you want to do to my body?" Faith groaned.

"I think you've got the idea." Spike pressed up against her and she groaned again.

"I'll tell you what I want to do to you. I want to ride you at a gallop until your legs buckle and your eyes roll up. I've got muscles you've never dreamed of. I want to squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you're begging me to hurt you just a little bit more. How does that sound?"

"Sounds like a bad idea to me, Faith." Spike and Faith looked up to see Angel and Buffy glaring at them. "You two want to have an orgy...take it outside. Or better yet to your apartment."

"We can do that B." Faith smiled at Spike. "B's a little on the stuck up side. She always wants to spoil my fun. I think it's because she's not getting any."

"Faith, that's enough."

"Chill, B. We're leaving." Angel grabbed Spike by the collar as they passed.

"Spike's not leaving just yet." Angel told Faith, before giving Spike a dirty look. "We need to talk."

"In the morning when I get---"

"No, now." Angel pulled Spike away from Faith and led him to a quieter part of the room away from the two girls.

"What's wrong with you? Can't you see I'm busy?"

"I think the entire room saw how busy you were, Spike." Spike smiled at Angel, not understanding why the older vampire was so angry. It wasn't like he was doing anything Angel hadn't done. Spike decided he had killed slayers, now he wanted to see what it was like to fuck one and he wasn't about to let Angel ruin it for him just because Angel had that stupid curse. His smile faded when he heard Angel's next words. "Including Xander."
***************************************
Xander walked into the Bronze, a spring in his step and hope in his heart. Hope that Spike would be here, hope that Spike was possibly feeling the same connection he was, and hope that Spike would like the new clothes he had spent with his hard earned road trip money. Xander was running late, but he had spent extra time trying to make sure he looked alright and an extra 10 minutes on convincing himself that he didn't look stupid. The salesclerk had actually flirted with him when he had modeled the clothes for her, but then again, salespeople would do anything to make a sale. *Guess that's why they call them salespeople*. Xander shook his head - even his thoughts sounded dorky.

The Bronze was busy tonight and it took a few moments for Xander to spot Willow and Cordy sitting near the stage. *Of course that's where they'd be*. Xander took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and walked towards his friends. This was the ultimate test. If he could make it past Cordelia's usual insults, he could get through the night. Xander didn't expect Cordelia's approval - she was still too hurt over what he had done to her to be true friends. Xander had decided to ride it out, adding his own insults to hers like they had done before they had started dating. Secretly, Xander hoped they could repair the friendship they had had while dating before they graduated.

"What are you two lovely vixens up to?" Xander smiled his most winning smile as he waited for Cordy and Willow to turn around.

"What does it look like we're doing dorkface? We're watching....what the hell?" Cordelia's sentence was forgotten when she saw her ex-boyfriend and Xander noticed that both girls were speechless as they looked him up and down, their mouths hanging open.

"Really? I thought the band was called 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' or 'Dingoes' for short."

"Xander, it's New Year's Eve not Halloween." Cordelia tried to sound snippy but the usual bitchy tone was softened and there was a definite look of approval in her eyes as she continued to stare at him. "What's with the get up?" Cordelia shifted in her seat, memories of seeing Xander in that Army costume, coming to the fore. *God, he had looked so sexy*. Muscles she had never known Xander had flexing as he handed her his coat.

"Gee, thanks for the update, C.C." Xander turned his attention towards Willow, hoping his best friend would say something...anything to let him know what she thought of his outfit. "So where is everyone?" *Oh, yeah, I'm the man. That sounded casual enough*.

Willow tried to answer but the words wouldn't come out. She was too busy being reminded why she had had a crush on Xander for all those years. While most of it was caused by his personality, she had always thought Xander was handsome. Willow had always liked the fact that Xander wore wild, baggy clothes - she knew if he ever dressed like this, half the high school girls would be knocking down his door. Willow was brought out of her thoughts by Xander waving his hand in front of her face.

"Uh, Will, is anyone in there?" Willow managed to nod her head, saved from further embarrasment by a voice coming from behind her.

"Oh, my God! Xander you look great!" Buffy came over and gave her friend a hug before stepping back to admire the view. Her mind flashed back to seeing Xander in his swim trunks, remembering how shocked she had been that her friend had looked so...so...fucking hot. Buffy took in the view - black, form fitting leather pants, tight, red sweater showing every muscle, dark hair laying in soft waves around his face and realized that she had forgotten just how hot Xander could be if he dressed right. "What's with the change of wardrobe?

"Uh, nothing. I figured I'd ring in the New Year with a different look."

"Yeah, Leather for Losers." Cordelia quipped, finally managing to return to her usual self.

"Cordelia, I don't know what everyone was talking about. That dress doesn't make you look like a hooker." Xander laughed, grabbing Cordelia's stylish red dress and giving it a playful tug. He knew he didn't mean what he said - Cordy looked beautiful, as always.

"Don't pay any attention to her, Xan. You look....awesome." Willow whispered, giving him a wink.

Xander's smile grew at Willow's words of praise and for a moment he forgot about who he was trying to impress until he saw Angel standing behind Buffy.

"Hey, Angel."

"Xander." Angel was nodding in approval as he smiled at the boy. He knew as soon as Spike saw Xander in this outfit he would give up the internal battle and concede defeat. Angel hoped the two of them got a clue soon - he had watched them dance around each other for a week, knowing they had fallen fast and hard for one another. Angel wasn't really that surprised - the two of them were a lot alike whether they knew it or not.

"So did you...are you here alone?" Xander grabbed a glass of punch, trying to look nonchalant while inside he was a mess. He watched Angel's expression turn from approval to discomfort and his stomach dropped. He had gotten dressed up for nothing. Spike wasn't here. Xander's happiness disappeared and he didn't think he could get more depressed about that thought until he saw Angel's eyes shift towards the dance floor and heard Cordelia's words.

"No, he came with the blonde boytoy formerly known as Spike. He's over there dancing with Ms. Slut-o-Rama."

Xander's gaze flew in the direction Cordelia was pointing and he immediately found Spike...the person he was so hoping to impress...dancing *was that what they were doing* with Faith. Now it was his turn to stare, open-mouthed as he watched the two of them grinding against one another. Xander halfway listened to the conversation going on around him while he tried to catch his breath. He felt like someone had punched him in the stomach or torn his heart out. Xander tried to look away so he could get his emotions under control, but it was like staring at a train wreck. *Yep, there it was. The twisted, mangled heap that was once his heart*.

"I think she's flirting with Spike because I have Angel. She's always asking me what it's like to be with a vampire." Buffy told them.

"Who are you kidding, Buffy? Spike is sexy and you know it." Cordelia told her before glancing at Angel. "If all vampires were as good looking as Angel and Spike, I wouldn't mind being turned."

"Faith can have Spike for all I care, but Angel's mine." Buffy put a possessive arm around Angel's waist and he automatically hugged her close, his eyes on Xander. Angel had never felt so sorry for anyone in his life. The boy looked as if his entire existence had come to an end. Angel's mind raced, thoughts of how to make this better turning in his head. Before he could do or say anything Xander's cup of punch fell to the floor, the liquid splattering the boy's clothes. He turned to see what Xander was looking at and saw Faith and Spike kissing. *Damn it, Spike, what are you doing? You know it's not her you want.*

"Oh, no. Xander you got red punch on your clothes. That will never come out." Willow jumped up, grabbing some napkins before trying to dab at the stains on his shirt.

"Yes, Xander proved my point. The clothing does not the man make. Cool clothes but still a geek." Cordelia said, getting a dirty look from Buffy.

"Don't worry, Xan. I'm sure my mom can get it out. She's a wiz at that type of thing, although I think the pants are ruined. Bring the sweater to my house tomorrow and mom will salvage it, scout's honor."

"Xander, are you okay?" Now it was Willow's turn to wave her hand in front of her best friend's face. Xander had been watching Faith lead Spike to the corner of the room and he could see enough to know that they were getting ready to have sex right here in the Bronze. He caught Willow's hand, trying his best to smile through the pain. Tears filled his eyes and he began to mutter excuses to his friends as he backed away towards the door. *Gotta get the fuck outta here before I die from the pain*.

"I...uh...I better...go home now." Willow and Buffy started to protest but Xander put his hand up. "I'll try to...I have to.." he gestured towards his clothes, "maybe, I can get back before midnight."

"Xander, wait---" Angel wanted to stop the boy but knew it would draw too much unwanted attention if he tried to. No one else in the group knew how much time Xander and Spike had been spending together - not even Buffy, who came to the mansion every day to see Angel.

"It's alright, Angel...see, I stole dad's keys while he was pas....passing by."

"Won't he be angry with you, Xander?" Angel asked worriedly.

"Nah. He'll never even know I was gone...quiet...like a mouse." Xander waved at them before making a beeline for the exit.

"Wow, I've never seen Xander care so much about his clothes before." Buffy turned to face Angel and saw him staring at Faith and Spike.

"I don't think it was the clothes." Angel muttered. Buffy put two and two together and came up with five, thinking that her friend had a crush on Faith. Anger built inside her as she thought of all the times the dark haired slayer had flirted with Xander. Faith had led Xander on, making him think she liked him. Xander had gotten dressed up to impress Faith only to have him find her macking on Spike.

"Angel, let's put a stop to this now. Faith has gone too far this time." Angel followed his girlfriend, knowing Buffy had misunderstood the situation. It wasn't Faith who had gone too far this time, it was Spike. Spike's desperate attempt to make himself forget Xander may have cost him the one person Angel knew Spike really didn't want to lose.

Part Nine

Xander leaned against the wall of the Bronze trying to get control over his emotions, trying to come to terms with the fact that Spike and Faith had been doing....that, and most of all trying to come to terms with the fact that Spike didn't like him... not the way he wanted him too, anyway. Tears started to slide down Xander's cheeks and he wiped them away. He was angry that he had set himself up for heartbreak yet again.

"Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you fall for the ones you know you'll never get. Spike's so far out of your league, he could be in another galaxy. Just because he was nice to you, just because we had fun together that doesn't mean he wants anything more than friendship. Spike tried to tell me he hated humans but did I listen? Hell, no. Stupid, stupid, stupid" Xander slapped his hand against his forehead with each stupid, knowing his head was telling him the truth but it didn't seem to dull the ache in his heart.

Xander's mind was going a mile a minute, thinking about all the good times he and Spike had had over the last week and a half. Never once had Spike tried to be anything more than a friend. He had never showed any type of love for Xander. Spike had made no excuses for his feelings about normal human beings. He often called them 'happy meals on legs', but wasn't Faith a human too? Xander snorted as he thought about that one. No, Faith wasn't a useless nobody like him. She was a powerful slayer, she had the super strength like Spike not to mention the same kind of sexiness that exuded from the vampire. They were two of a kind and he was just a big-mouthed boy trying to dress the part. Xander glanced down at his clothes and shook his head in defeat. No way he could compete with Faith.

Xander stood quietly for a moment, pondering his choices. He could go home, change his clothes and return; he could go home, get out of these ridiculous clothes and feel sorry for himself or he could turn around and go back inside while he tried to regain some form of dignity. Xander knew that Angel had noticed his reaction to Spike and Faith being together and was probably telling Spike right now. Spike would more than likely be defensive, saying that Xander had no right to be jealous. Maybe he would even laugh outright at the very idea of Xander thinking there could be more than friendship between the two of them and he would be right. They had only been civil to each other for less than two weeks - before that their relationship was killer and victim. Xander had no claims on him, yet here he was acting like a jilted lover.

With that last thought Xander's decision was made. Squaring his shoulders and holding his head up, Xander marched back into the Bronze. It was time to quit moping around about losing something he had never truly had and start acting like a man. He would have fun with his friends and try to ignore the heartbreak that wouldn't seem to go away no matter what his brain was telling him. He could do this - he was the master at hiding his feelings. He had plenty of years of practice.

Xander scanned the crowd, finding his friends sitting in the corner at their usual couch. As he walked towards them he was stopped by two very attractive girls. One was petite and blonde like Buffy, the other was a busty, dark-haired girl who was smiling flirtatiously

"Hi, handsome. My name is Carrie. This is Marissa. Would you like to dance with us?" She ran her hand up and down his arm, trying to get his full attention. Xander was going to tell her no when he caught sight of Angel and Spike having an intense discussion a few feet away from where his friends were sitting. Spike didn't look happy and Xander guessed Angel was giving him a lecture about hurting Xander's feelings. Hurt turned to anger - if Spike didn't want him, Xander didn't want Angel making Spike feel guilty. Xander forced himself to look away, turning to the girls with a forced smile plastered on his face.

"I would love to dance with you."

"Great." Carrie took Xander's hand and led him to the dance floor. She put her hands around his neck and Xander took her into his arms as they started dancing to the music. It wasn't long before Marissa joined them, wrapping one arm around Xander's waist while her free hand wandered, traveling from his shoulders down his back and finally coming to rest on his ass. Xander smelled the alcohol on their breath and decided these girls were very drunk - why else would they be touching him like this? It wasn't like he was a gorgeous guy like Spike. Spike. Xander glanced in the direction of his friends, trying to gauge their reactions to this performance. Oz and Devon were smiling, Willow and Buffy looked worried, Faith had a surprised expression on her face and Cordelia seemed downright annoyed. He ventured a further glance towards Angel and Spike who were still engrossed in their conversation. Xander closed his eyes, letting the girls do whatever they wanted. He was going to show everyone what a good time he was having if it killed him.
**************************************************
"For the last time let this go, Angel," Spike warned. He was really beginning to wish he had never come back to Sunnydale. First, he had developed warm, fuzzy feelings for a certain dark haired young man, which was totally unlike a master vampire. Master vampires did not have the warm and fuzzies over humans unless they were Angel, vampire with a soul. Spike didn't have a soul and even though he knew he was quite capable of love, he was unwilling to admit to any such thing when it came to Xander Harris. Secondly, he was almost able to forget about Xander for all of three minutes before Angel told him that Xander had been here and left. That he had seen Spike and Faith dancing and making out in the corner. Spike tried to act like he wasn't bothered by that fact, but deep down inside, Spike was worried. Worried that the whelp would go out into the dark and get himself killed by some crazy demon or vampire. That boy was definitely a demon magnet - sweet, innocent blood mixed with an underlying darkness born from years of living with his parents. Spike didn't love the boy, he told himself, he was just fond of him. He didn't want Xander to get killed because he was upset about Spike and Faith.

"I can't let it go, Spike. Xander was very upset when he left tonight. What if he's not careful and something happens?" Angel's words mirrored Spike's thoughts making the younger vampire shift uncomfortably.

"If you're so concerned, why didn't you escort Xander home? You're the bloody do-gooder around here, not me. Go rescue the whelp from whatever situation he gets himself into so that you can kill two birds with one stone. You'll be able to play the hero and make Buffy proud of you at the same time. Why keep bugging me when I have someone else to do - I mean pay attention to."

"Faith is bad news, Spike. There's something about that girl I don't trust."

"That would be because she's a vampire slayer and you're a vampire. But you can hardly fault me for being attracted to a slayer seeing as how you're so wrapped up in one of your own. Besides, I'm not looking for deep everlasting love - I've tried that and it never works out. Just in it for the fun. I've killed two slayers and I think it would be fun to bed one. How many vampires could say that?"

"I know you, Spike and I'm worried okay? If you go home with Faith tonight, this won't bode well for you. It might be great while it's going on, but afterwards you're going to feel like shit."

"Oh, you're forgetting Angel. I can shag all I want without having to worry about turning into what I already am. I don't have a soul to lose. I'll still be me, only difference is I'll have gotten off hopefully many times. I bet Slayer stamina is better than their blood." Spike smirked at Angel who glared back at him, knowing the younger vampire was deliberately missing the point.

"I'm not talking about that, Spike and you know it. I'm talking about Xander. I've watched the two of you for the past week. You've been almost inseperable. You've been happier than I've seen you in a long time...a very long time. You were never that happy with Drusilla or for that matter, me. Xander brings out the best in you and you do the same for him. I never thought I would be saying something like this but I think you two are good for each other. I know there's an attraction there and I truly think it could develop into something special if both of you would quit being so stubborn and just admit it."

"Thank you for the counseling session, Dr. Angel. Are you practicing being the 'Dear Abby' of the demon world?" Spike snarked, knowing what Angel was saying was true but too stubborn to admit how afraid he was of his feelings for Xander. Happily ever after and Spike never worked out and he was tired of trying.

"All I'm saying is I think Xander was trying to connect with you tonight, so why can't you meet him halfway?"

"I don't want to get involved with someone like Xander. The boy throws himself into dangerous situations without knowing how to fight and he's going to get himself killed. Sooner probably than later. I don't need that. And what makes you think Xander was trying to get my attention? Did he say something to you?" Spike couldn't stop the hope that was beginning to build inside him. Was Xander truly willing to set himself up for a fall just to get his attention?

"He didn't have to say anything, Spike. It was the way he was dressed. I'd say it took a lot of courage for him to wear the clothes he had on and quite a bit of money that he probably doesn't have to buy them. I must say it was well worth the money and he definitely didn't have to worry about his appearance. Xander looked...he was...never mind." Angel shook the memory away, waving his arm dismissively at Spike while relishing the fact that the younger vampire was taking the bait. He started to walk away but Spike grabbed him by the arm, pulling him back with an angry jerk.

"Oh, no you don't, Peaches. You're not going to start something like that and not finish. Tell me why you think Xander dressed up just for me and why you were ogling him?"

"Hey, don't blame me for looking. Everyone was enjoying the view - Willow, Cordelia, hell even Buffy seemed to like what she saw. I would have been jealous if not for the fact that I was highly impressed myself. Dressed in a red sweater that showed off his dark hair and eyes. The sweater was as tight as the black leather pants he was wearing. No one had to imagine anything -the broadening shoulders, the muscles that were evident in his arms and legs, the curve of his ass...it was all displayed for everyone to see. There was no denying what kind of body lay underneath those clothes. If I weren't so in love with Buffy, I would have made a play for the boy myself." Angel said the words carefully, making sure Spike understood what he was saying. Knowing his childe, it wouldn't take long for Spike to get worked up over the fact that Angel was thinking about Xander like that. Angel mentally ticked the seconds down, watching Spike's face as he registered what Angel had said. Five, four, three, two....

"Keep your eyes off Xander and on your slayer," Spike growled, rising to the challenge. He had practically been drooling, picturing Xander dressed like Angel described until the thought of Angel looking at Xander like that had pissed him off.

"I couldn't help myself, Spike. That sweater was blood red and you know how leather affects me." Angel winked at Spike, getting a kick out of making the younger vampire jealous over someone he had only moments before been denying he had feelings for. *Yes, this was definitely the way to get Spike's attention while trying to drum some sense into that thick head of his.*

"I'm warning you, Angel. Friend or not you're seconds away from getting your ass kicked."

"What's wrong, Spike?" Angel tried to look innocent. "You just told me you didn't want to pursue a relationship with Xander. That makes him a free agent. Besides, Faith is waiting." Angel nodded his head towards the dark haired slayer who was standing next to Buffy. He noticed the two slayers staring intently towards the dance floor, the rest of the gang doing the same. He followed their gaze, his own eyes widening in surprise at the sight of Xander and the two pretty girls on the dance floor. *Shit. Xander was going to mess up all the progress he had worked so hard to achieve.*

Spike was ready to tell Angel off when he saw his sire's look of surprise and turned to see what was going on. He took an unneeded breath, not knowing whether it was the reaction to how Xander looked or what the girls were doing to him that had caused it. Spike's anger built degree by degree watching the two girls touch Xander's chest, abdomen and ass, and it finally came to a boil when the girl in front of Xander ran her finger up his groin. Spike's jaw clenched, his fists balled in anger, wanting nothing more than to rip the girls apart limb by bloody limb. Xander's eyes flew open and he jumped back away from the girls, shaking his head and saying something that Spike was pretty sure only he and Angel could hear above the loud music.

"Hands, hands in new places. So not interested in that kind of naughty touching." Xander turned to walk away from them, his eyes meeting Spike's. They stared intently at each other for a long time, Spike's eyes full of rage while Xander's went from hope to confusion and finally settled on an anger that matched the vampire's. Spike broke the contact, turning to face Angel.

"Yeah, I can see how devastated Xander is, how much he wants to connect with me. What were you trying to do? Make a fool out of me? Do you get off on watching me get my heart ripped out of my chest? Is that it?" Spike turned his anger on Angel.

"You know I don't, Spike. Xander does care about you, just as you care for him. Can't you see he was doing that to prove how badly he wasn't hurting?" Spike's resolve to hold onto his anger wavered for a moment before he found it again.

"Well, it's his loss. I'm not into playing these stupid headgames with anyone...not anymore. I had enough of that with you and Dru. Like I said, now it's all about the fun. Speaking of which, it's about time I had some." Before Angel could stop him, Spike headed for Faith. Angel sighed, following his childe into what he knew would more than likely be a very ugly scene. *What was it going to take to make Spike and Xander admit their love for one another?*
***********************************************
"What were you doing, Xander?" Buffy asked as Xander approached the gang. She was upset with her friend for doing the very same thing she had been lecturing Faith about earlier. She had a feeling Xander was trying to get the girl back for the incident with Spike earlier.

"Uh...dancing?"

"I heard that's what they were calling it nowadays." Oz smiled at Xander, trying to break the tension which only escalated when Spike and Angel joined the group.

"No, that's what they call getting all thrusty with some slut bag hussy or in this case hussies." Spike's voice was cold, his eyes boring into Xander's as he spoke.

"Spike's right. What was that girl's shirt made of? Paint?" Cordelia added, not helping the situation. Xander didn't seem to hear her, his eyes never leaving Spike's.

"You should know, Spike. I saw you doing the same thing earlier." Xander glanced towards Faith. "Not saying that you're a hussy."

"Go ahead, Xan. It's okay. I've been called worse. If I had known you were into dirty dancing I would have had you join me and Spike. Could have been fun." Faith flirted, making Willow, Buffy, Cordelia and Spike turn their glares onto her. "What? My motto is - the more the merrier."

"Xander wouldn't do that," Willow defended her friend and Buffy nodded in agreement.

"Hey, I say he's got it so why not show it off? Those were some nice moves out there, Xander." Again, the girls glared at her, Angel joining is while Spike laughed.

"You call those moves? I've seen dying Zargot demons twitch with more rhythm than Xander."

"What's the matter, Spike? Upset because I'm getting some attention for a change?" Xander crossed his arms, staring at the vampire.

"What are you talking about, lackbrain?" Xander tensed at the name calling, his eyes snapping with anger and for a moment Spike was consumed with desire as he looked into them. *Fuck, Xander was beautiful when he was angry*.

"I'm saying, you just can't handle it. You and Angel have always been the 'special' ones. Hot little vampires with all the women chasing them. Now all of the sudden, two very pretty women are paying attention to the 'normal' guy and you can't stand that."

"The only reason those two were paying attention to you is because they were drunk. I mean, look at you." Spike motioned towards Xander's outfit. "A little boy dressing up in Big Bad's clothes. A word of advice? If you want to play at being sexy, learn what the word means first. Throwing on some leather doesn't help if you don't have the body to go with it. It doesn't make you look sexy, it makes you look stupid." Spike knew he didn't mean what he was saying. Xander did look sexy, with a capital 'S'. And that was just wrong. Spike didn't want Xander dressing sexy because when he did, others paid attention to him. Spike didn't want to have feelings for Xander but he didn't want anyone else to notice the boy either. Spike expected Xander to be hurt by his words but Xander only smiled.

"Oh, you are definitely jealous. Poor Spikey's plan didn't work so get over it before you go into a full fledged tantrum. I mean, really - what's next? You going to stomp your widdle feet and cry or are you just going to pout? You think you're the only one allowed to dance with beautiful women just to prove a point? Two can play that game and at least I stopped when it got too touchy feely." Everyone looked confused at Xander's words - everyone but the two vampires. Angel and Spike knew that Xander had figured out what Spike's problem was and now Xander was calling him on it.

Angel could barely contain his grin. He was seeing a Xander he never knew existed and he liked him. Finally, Spike had found someone who could hold their own against him. Now, if only Spike would reach out to Xander and not push the boy away. Angel became worried at that thought. Xander was laying it all on the line. If Spike pushed Xander away, would the boy break? He was brought out of his thoughts by Spike's words.

"Yeah? Well, that's because you wouldn't know what to do with her now would you? Not even if she was spread eagled, buck naked in front of you with a neon sign tied to her waist that had a flashing arrow pointing at her----" Spike's words were cut off by a fist to the jaw from Buffy.

"You're a pig, Spike." Buffy yelled, having been restrained by Xander, who had stepped between the two of them. Spike got to his feet, wiping the blood from his mouth while he smirked at the girl. Angel joined Xander, not knowing what Spike would do next.

"What's the matter, slayer? Your boy can't handle the truth?"

"It's not me who has a problem with the truth, Spike. We both know what the real problem is here, don't we? Well, if you're not man enough, or vampire enough to take the first step then I will. Don't you think I'm confused? Scared to death? Afraid of being rejected? But at least I still try. All my life the one thing I've been sure of is you can't hide from yourself. You have to put yourself out on a limb and hope for the best. I've had plenty of limbs cut out from under me lots of times but I keep climbing the tree, hoping that one day I'll find the branch that will support me. When I find the one that will hold me...I'll cling to it for the rest of my life and no storm, no wind...hell, not even a tornado will make me let go. The branch may bend but it will never break. Do you get what I'm saying?" Xander looked hopefully at Spike, waiting for the vampire's answer. He knew Spike understood him - he could see it in his eyes. Finally, Spike answered.

"I'm a vampire, Xander. Not good with wooden things...that includes trees. A branch breaks under me and I'm dust. Can't take that chance, no matter how beautiful and strong the tree is." Spike watched the emotions flicker across Xander's face. Hope and love were replaced with pain and rejection. Xander turned away from his friends, a single tear making it's way down his face before he wiped it away as he ran his fingers through his hair. When he turned back to face Spike there was a faint, fake smile on his face.

"Then we have an understanding. Glad that's taken care of." He snapped his fingers at his friends, who were still trying to figure out just what the hell was going on. "Hey, guys it's almost midnight. A new year to look forward to. We need some frosty beverages so everyone tell me what they want to drink and I'll go get them. We can toast to another year of life on the Hellmouth, complete with demons, vampires and other assorted dangers."

"Finally, something I understand." Buffy brightened, giving Xander her order before the others chimed in. As Xander started to walk away, she grabbed his arm. "No more talk of trees cause that was weird."

"No more talk of trees...I promise. From now on it's all about friendships and demony things which also includes high school, homework and Principal Snyder." The teenagers laughed as the tension left the group and they started to talk amongst themselves. No one noticed Xander's smile fade as soon as he turned and walked away...no one except Spike and Angel, who glared at the younger vampire.

"Go ahead and say something, Peaches. I know you're busting a gut trying to hold it in." Spike steeled himself for another lecture from his sire.

"I never thought I'd see the day that William the Bloody, my favorite and strongest childe, would become a coward." Angel walked away leaving Spike to stand by himself. Spike chanced a glance at Xander, watching as the boy waited for his order. From all outward appearances, Xander looked like he didn't have a care in the world but even from across the room, Spike could smell the sadness coming off him, could see the trembling of his fingers as he took the glasses and set them on a tray and could see the slight quiver of his lips...lips that Spike longed to kiss. Spike pushed himself away from the wall he had been leaning against, deciding it was time to leave. There was no way in hell he could stay here any longer..he felt like he was being torn in two. One part of him wanted to run as far away from Sunnydale and Xander Harris as he could get, the other was urging him to go to the boy and comfort him, to take Xander in his arms and kiss away his tears, to whisper words of love and promises of being Xander's everything. But Spike knew he was damaged goods when it came to relationships...just like Xander. How could two broken halves ever hope to make a whole?

"You leaving?" Spike turned towards the voice and saw Faith smiling at him.

"Yeah, I hate these bloody holiday rituals."

"Me too. Never was much for the family thing. How about we leave and find something more interesting to do?"

"Got any ideas?" He followed Faith towards the door.

"Oh, yeah." Faith gave him a quick kiss before the door shut behind them. No one but Xander saw them go.

Part Ten

Xander didn't know how he had managed to make it through the past half hour. He didn't remember anything that was said. All he could think about was Spike's rejection and seeing the vampire leaving with Faith. Once again, Xander Harris wasn't good enough. Once again, he had picked the wrong branch...only this time, it was a long fall to the ground. Despite all his brave talk from before, Xander didn't know if he could pick himself up this time or if he even had the desire to climb the tree again. He was so tired of climbing.

Xander was brought out of his thoughts by the sounds of 'Happy New Year' being yelled, horns being blown and balloons dropping to the ground. He sat at the table watching his friends kiss their better halves, realizing how totally alone he was. He got up and headed for the door, knowing he couldn't hold it together any longer. Xander had made it halfway across the room when he was grabbed by the arm and twisted around to face....fuck, it was his dad. Double fuck. His three uncles were with him and all of them looked angry. And why was that again? Oh, yeah - he had stolen their keys.

"Hey, dad. Happy New Year."

"Shut the fuck up. Where the hell are the keys to my car, boy?" Xander was glad that the merriment around them was drowning out the sound of his father's angry voice. He didn't know if he could stand the embarrassment if any of his friends heard this confrontation.

"It's out front. Come on and I'll take you----"

"I know where the damn car is. I want the fucking keys." His father's grip tightened and Xander knew there would be a bruise there in the morning.

"You're not getting them, dad. None of you are going to be driving until you sober up."

"Anthony, I think this kid of yours needs to be reminded who the father is." Uncle Rory pointed out. Xander's father nodded in agreement, pushing Xander to the door. Once they were outside Anthony threw Xander up against the building. He backhanded Xander, knocking him to the ground.

"I want my keys, boy."

"No. N.O. Nada." Anthony kicked Xander, knocking the wind out of him.

"What the hell is nada?" Uncle Harry asked.

"Nada chance in hell." Anthony grabbed Xander and pulled him back up, putting his hands around Xander's throat.

"Don't make me choke it out of you, boy. Why do you make me do this to you? Just give me the keys and I'll leave you alone."

"Can't...do that...Dad. Not...with you...choking...me." Anthony's hands loosened and Xander took a few deep breaths of the cool air. Before he knew what was happening, he was back on the ground, his uncles and his father holding him down as they went through his pockets. His father held the keys triumphantly in the air before looking back down at his son.

"Why did you take them, boy?" Xander searched his dad's eyes, trying to see the man he used to be before alcoholism overtook him.

"Because for some ungodly reason, I love you. I don't want you driving while you're drunk. I don't want you to die and I don't want you killing someone else either. Can't you understand that, Dad? I. Love. You." Xander stressed the words, hoping his father would comprehend what he was saying.

"Only idiots believe in love." Anthony dug his knee into Xander's leg, making the boy yelp in pain. "Now I'm going to have to teach you a lesson about stealing."

"Looks like you're the one who needs a lesson." Anthony's fist was stopped in mid-swing, making him look up at the dark haired man who was holding him.

"I don't know who you are but you need to keep your hands to yourself and your nose out of our family business."

"Don't think I can do that. Xander is part of my family and no one hurts me or mine." Angel's glare darkened as Anthony began to laugh.

"Dad, please get up. He'll kick your ass if you don't." Xander tried to warn his father but he wasn't listening.

"You think you can take me?" He dug his knee further into Xander's leg making the boy moan.

"I know I can...just as surely as I know I can snap your neck in two seconds." One punch sent Anthony flying across the sidewalk where he landed with a loud thud. Harry ran to assist Anthony while John and Richard attacked Angel. They managed two steps before they joined Xander's dad on the sidewalk.

"Who are you?" Anthony sat up, rubbing his jaw. Angel had bent down to check Xander's leg, pausing long enough to answer.

"Your worst nightmare. You ever, ever touch this boy again and I'll kill you." He showed them his demon face and all four men scrambled backwards, trying to get to their feet. "Do we have an understanding?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure." The scared men ran for the car, jumping in and peeling off. Xander watched the car weave down the road and tears filled his eyes.

"Fuck. He's going to kill himself or someone else some day. Why won't he listen to me?"

Because he's an alcoholic. He won't listen to anyone until he decides to get help on his own. Now let me check this leg out." Angel gave Xander's leg a gentle squeeze and Xander moaned again.

"Son of a bitch. Not you, Xander. I was talking about your dad."

"Good call." Angel helped Xander sit up, giving his hand a squeeze.

"I don't think it's broken but you'll probably have a nasty bruise in the morning."

"It'll match the one on my face." Angel touched Xander's swollen left cheek, noticing the flush of embarrassment. "Tell me the others don't know about this."

"They don't. I saw what was happening and made an excuse to leave. I didn't think you wanted them to know." They sat in silence for a moment. "Why don't you tell them, Xander? I'm sure Giles would let you stay with him. And there's the mansion. I've told you before you could stay with me."

"I don't want my friends worrying about me. They have enough on their plates just surviving on this Hellmouth. As for your place, I appreciate the offer but I don't think Spike wants me there." Xander raised his good leg up, resting his head on the arm he slung over the long limb. "Fuck, Angel - I blew it. Spike and I were becoming friends and that was nice but I couldn't leave it alone. No, I had to want more, I had to push him...right into Faith's arms."

"So that's where Spike went?" Xander nodded and Angel mentally cursed his wayward childe. He put a hand on Xander's shoulder. "Xander, I know Spike. He didn't mean the things he said. He's confused about his feelings for you and he's scared of being hurt again. Give him time and----"

"No. I made a fool of myself tonight, Spike gave me his answer and contrary to what everyone thinks I'm not stupid. It's all been said and done." Xander raised his head and Angel saw the bitter tears forming in his eyes. "So he's confused? Well guess what? I am too. I'm a 17 year old who's never had sex with anyone before, who's always considered himself straight, who's always thought he hated vampires and within a week of being around Spike my whole life has changed. I'm questioning myself about everything....I'm falling in love with a male vampire who has tried to kill me and my friends several times. And scared of being hurt again? Spike doesn't have a monopoly on being the only person in the world that has relationship problems. I'm a screw-up when it comes to romantic issues, too. Who better to understand than me?"

"Not to belittle your love life, Xander, but we're talking about 100 years of being with only two people. I left Spike alone and went off with Darla and Drusilla left him for a Chaos demon."

"Come on, Angel. I know you two were the ones that he was in love with, but you can't tell me Spike wasn't involved with other people in all that time." Angel smiled.

"He's a vampire, Xander. Of course he's bedded several men and women both."

"See? He's experienced. I'm not, and how scary is that? You don't think I thought about that, too? How I wouldn't be enough for him or be able to please him? God, Angel I've never been enough for anyone. I'm....I'm just a teenager with nothing special to fall back on. I've seen Drusilla and I'm looking at you right now and it's scary....comparing myself to both of you. I come up short in so many categories...strength, looks, brains."

"Drusilla was..and still is...insane."

"Okay, so maybe Drusilla's crazy, but she's still smarter than I'll ever be."

"That's not true, Xander. And there's nothing wrong with your looks."

"Pfft. Tell me another lie, Angel. Stand me up next to you and Dru and it's like comparing a prune to chocolate...or a warehouse to the Eiffel Tower....or an elephant to a deer or----"

"Stop it, Xander. You don't give yourself any credit at all, do you? You're a very special young man. You're handsome, loyal and brave to a fault. And you're the only one I know who can keep up with Spike in terms of quick wit and sarcastic remarks."

"Yet he chose Faith over me. I put my heart on the line tonight and he stomped on it. It took less than 10 minutes after that for him to leave with her and we both know they didn't go out for tea and crumpets." Xander stood up and wiped his clothes off. "I can't believe I actually thought that dressing like this would get Spike's attention. He kept going on and on about the virtues of wearing leather and I wanted to please him. But he's right. You have to have the body to carry it off and I don't. Faith does."

"Xander---"

"It's okay, Angel. I get it. If there's one thing I've got going for me it's knowing how to get up after I've been knocked down. I'll be alright. I'm going to put on my happy face, say good-night to my friends then go home and listen to country music. It's the music of pain, you know."

"Well, it's definitely painful to listen to that's for sure." Angel coaxed a smile from the boy, who slapped him on the arm.

"Hey! No making fun of my choice of listening material. What do you listen to? Opera?"

"Actually, yes."

"Shit, talk about painful." They walked back inside to find their friends getting ready to leave. Buffy hurried over to them, giving Angel a kiss before taking in Xander's appearance.

"Where have you guys been and what the hell happened to your face, Xander." She reached out and gently touched his bruising cheek. Angel jumped in with an explanation.

"Vampires. We took care of them." Xander gave him a grateful look as Buffy began to lecture him.

"Why didn't you tell me? That's my job, not yours. You could have been hurt...worse, Xander."

"Nah. Angel had my back." Buffy stared at him for a moment, a small smile playing along her pretty face.

"I never thought I'd hear you say that...and with such enthusiasm too."

"Angel's cool. I get that now. I've even made a New Year's resolution not to call him Deadboy anymore."

"Let's not get crazy, Xander. I have to admit that I liked having a nickname even if it was Deadboy. It made me feel like part of the group." Buffy and Xander both seemed surprised. "What? Xander calls you Buffster or Buff, Willow is Will, Giles is G-man, Cordelia is Queen C or Cordy---"

"We get your point, Angel. Maybe I'll just come up with something nicer." Xander smiled at the vampire, turning to face his friends. "Since we've already welcomed the New Year, I think it's time for me to go home." Xander hugged the girls while Angel stood nearby, a worried look on his face.

"Yeah, we're a little tired and the party's breaking up anyway. I was coming to find you guys when you came in."

"Do you need me to walk any of you home?" Angel asked.

"Nope, got that covered." Buffy proudly pulled a set of car keys out of her pocket and waved them in the vampire's face. "Mom decided to let me try driving again, Devon is taking Cordy home, Oz has his van so he's taking Willow, Giles and Olivia have already gone home and Xander has his dad's car so we're all good." Buffy stopped when she saw the glance between the two men in front of her. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing. Just...well, my dad came by earlier and requisitioned his car so I'm hoofing it."

"No, you're not. I'll take you home." Xander gave Buffy a doubtful look as she pushed him towards the door.

"Uh, Buff...no offense but maybe Angel could walk me home."

"No. Angel promised to make a sweep of the cemetaries before heading home. Everyone else is paired up so that leaves you and me. Besides, I want to show you how good I've become at this driving thing."

"Yeah, I heard how good you are at the 'driving thing'. Willow and Oz filled me in." Buffy mock glared at them.

"That wreck was so totally not my fault. The other guy was hyped up on enchanted candy and he hit me."

"That's true," Willow nodded, although her brow was furrowed with worry. "Still, Buffy there was the part where you had the parking brake on while you were driving and you took your eyes off the road while you were changing the radio."

"You are such a little worrier, Willow. Fine, I'll let Xander fool with the radio if it will make you feel better. But no country music, Xan."

"Damn. Country music is so misunderstood."
********************************************************************
Fifteen minutes later, Xander was beginning to understand why Willow had looked so worried, why Angel had made Buffy promise to be careful and why the vampire had insisted that both of them wear their seat belts. For someone as agile and graceful as Buffy was, she was a shit driver. Hell, she was worse than Cordy. Xander closed his eyes as they came very close to taking out Mr. Sanderson's mail box.

"I don't know why people have such a hard time trusting me to drive do you, Xander?"

"I can't imagine." Xander's voice was filled with sarcasm and Buffy reached out, slapping him playfully on the arm.

"Hands...hands on the wheel."

"Geez, Xander, would you quit being a side seat driver. You're making me nervous."

"Like I'm Joe Cool here."

"Oh, that's just because Willow made it sound like I couldn't drive. Hell, I'm the Slayer. If I can handle vampires and demons, I'm sure I can handle a piece of metal that rolls on four wheels." Buffy screeched around the corner and Xander grimaced.

"Or two."

"Huh?"

"Two wheels back there, Buffy." Buffy was about to make a retort when her eyes grew wide with fear. Xander turned to see what was wrong and a knot formed in his stomach. A car was weaving back and forth across the road and it was coming straight at them. "Fuck. Drunk driver."

"What do I do?" Buffy's voice sounded panicked. Xander undid his seat belt and leaned towards the steering wheel.

"Pull over to the side of the road and let it pass, Buff." Buffy swerved to the right, but the car was still coming towards them.

"Xander, it's no good. They're going to hit us." No sooner had the words left her mouth when they were jostled by the impact. The other car had clipped the front of Buffy's car sending it into a tailspin. Buffy and Xander both screamed as the jeep spun around in the middle of the road, finally coming to a stop. Both of them let out a sigh of relief when they realized they were in one piece.

"Merciful Zeus."

"Maybe I shouldn't drive." Buffy looked shaken.

"It wasn't your fault, Buff. It was that damn drunk driver." Xander noticed the car had left the scene. "Make that a drunken hit and run driver."

"My mom is going to kill me."

"It'll be okay. I'll vouch for you. Now how about getting us out of the middle of the road."

"Good idea." Buffy got ready to turn the car around and head towards home when she noticed lights coming down the road. "Xan.."

Xander turned his head just in time to see the truck's lights before they were hit again, this time on the passenger side. Their car was pushed a few hundred yards into an embankment, coming to rest at an odd angle. Buffy and Xander never knew where it stopped, both of them unconscious. The driver of the truck jumped out of his vehicle, grabbing his cell phone and dialing 911.

"Hello? I need help. There was a car sitting in the middle of the road and I couldn't stop. I hit it and it went into an embankment."

//Was anyone hurt?// The man looked inside the car and saw the two unconscious teenagers. There was blood everywhere and he was afraid he had killed them.

"Fuck, yes. Two kids...teenagers. We need an ambulance now."

//Try to stay calm sir. We'll have assistance to you within minutes. Just don't touch them...we don't know what kind of injuries they may have sustained. Tell me where you are.// The man gave them directions then hung up to wait on the ambulances. He hoped they got here soon. The driver wasn't moving but the man was more worried about the young man in front. His side of the car had taken the full force of the blow. He paced nervously back and forth, praying that neither one of them was dead.
****************************************************************************
The ambulances arrived within minutes. They managed to get Buffy out but were having a hard time extracting Xander from the car. The whole right side of the vehicle was a twisted, mangled heap and they didn't want to try and move the kid by taking him out the driver's side. They were pretty sure there was internal damage and they didn't want to make it worse. They got out the jaws of life and started working on freeing the boy just as a van pulled up alongside the police cars. They saw a red haired girl and a young boy jumping out and went to restrain them before they could get to the car.

"I'm sorry kids, this is as far as you can go."

"But my friends were in that jeep." Willow was hysterical, her worst fears being imagined. She had nagged Oz into taking this route to ensure that both her friends had gotten home safe, afraid of what might happen.

"So you know these two?" Willow nodded. "Good. We wanted to call their families but the girl didn't have an i.d. on her and we haven't been able to get the boy out yet."

"Oh, God." Willow's attention was on the big machinery that was being used to get Xander out of the car. She flinched when she heard the sound of crunching metal that was so close to her friend's body. "Are they going to be alright?"

"The girl has been transported to the hospital. Head trauma." The policeman layed a sympathetic hand on the young girl's face. She looked like she was going to be sick and her friend didn't look much better. "Ma'am? I'm sorry about your friends, but I need to know who they are so we can notify their next of kin."

"The girl is Buffy Summers. Her mom is probably home. The boy is Xander Harris. I...I don't think his parents will be home and if they are they're probably too drunk to come to the phone or answer the door."

"Is there anyone else we can call?" The policeman pulled out a cell phone and Willow extended her hand.

"Can I make the calls, please? I think the news would be better coming from me." The policeman looked at her a moment before handing over the phone. Willow began dialling numbers, first calling Buffy's mom and then Giles. Both assured her they were on the way to the hospital. Willow started to give the phone back to the policeman when she remembered she hadn't called Angel. It was still dark and there was a possibility he could make it to the hospital before sunrise. She punched in the numbers, hoping he would be back from patrol. After the third ring she heard Angel's voice on the other end.

//"Hello?"//

"Angel, it's Willow. Something terrible has happened. Buffy had a wreck....she's been taken to the hospital and I don't know how she's doing. All they told me was there was head trauma. Mrs. Summers and Giles are on their way. And...and Oz and I are here at the scene. Xander is still trapped in the car and...oh, wait they're getting him out now. Oh, God...." Willow's voice choked when she saw the amount of blood on the boy and the way his body hung limply as they lifted him onto a stretcher.

//"Willow...Willow are you still there?"// Angel's voice was almost hysterical. Willow numbly handed the phone to Oz, watching the paramedics working on Xander, yelling something about a lot of lost blood, low blood pressure, etc.

"Angel, it's Oz. Look, you need to get to the hospital now. We didn't see Buffy, but Christ Angel, Xander looks...."

//I'm on my way.// Oz hung up the phone, passing it to the policeman before taking his sobbing girlfriend into his arms. "Don't worry. Buffy and Xander have gone up against some really bad demons and they're still alive. A wreck won't stop those two." Oz tried to make his voice sound calm, but inside he was terrified that one or both of their friends were going to die.

Back at the mansion Angel was throwing on some clothes. He was terrified that he was going to lose Buffy and was worried about Xander as well. Xander. Shit, he needed to call Spike. He grabbed the phone book and looked up the number of the motel where Faith was staying. After a few minutes, he was connected to Faith's room, hoping and praying that Spike hadn't left yet.
***************************************
Spike sat on the side of the bed, his hands in his head as he listened to the shower running in the other room. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid. Yeah, the sex had been good but just as Angel had predicted...he now felt like shit. There had been no warmth, no tenderness just two people going at it. Spike had found out that slayers really did have stamina in that department but still he felt unfulfilled. This wasn't what he wanted and he wished for the umpteenth time that he had never come here. Faith had been pissed off when she had tried to initiate more sex only to have Spike tell her to 'Sod off'. He pulled on his clothes, not relishing another argument with the dark haired slayer. But he knew that was the least of his problems. How could he face Xander after this?

The door to the bathroom opened and he looked up to see a near naked Faith making her way towards him. He put up his hands, backing away while shaking his head. The girl's face went from teasing to anger.

"So what's the problem? You think I want some kind of commitment or something?"

"No."

"Good, cause you wouldn't get any. Sure it was good and I see why Buffy likes vampires...lots of stamina, but I'm just in it for the sex. I wanted to see what it was like to boink the undead."

Her words made Spike feel sick. He had let himself be used yet again. Used when he could have been with Xander...someone who had wanted nothing more than to be with him. Spike remembered how Xander had reached out to him, remembered the sadness, hurt and humiliation when Spike had told him no. He wondered what Xander had done when he found Spike and Faith gone. The boy was anything but stupid. Spike knew Xander would know exactly what they had done and he felt ashamed for the first time in a very, very long time. Tears filled his eyes at the thought of his boy being hurt because of his stupidity. *His boy. When had Xander suddenly become 'his boy'?* Faith noticed the tears forming in Spike's eyes and laughed.

"Come on, Spike. If you're that upset about what I said, I can try to make it up to you. Let's have another go." Spike's head snapped up at her words and he gave her a disgusted look. These tears weren't for her, they were for Xander.

"I told you before...Sod.Off. And don't flatter yourself. I'm not upset about you. I used you just as much as you used me. You wanted to fuck a vampire...I wanted to fuck a slayer. Nothing more to it." Faith's eyes filled with anger.

"Then get the hell out of my room."

"More than happy to oblige." Spike snatched his boots from beside the bed, starting to put them on as the phone rang. Faith cursed, giving Spike a final glare before answering the phone.

"Yeah, what's up?"

//"Faith, it's Angel. Is Spike there?"//

"Unfortunately, yes, but he was just leaving."

//"I need to talk to him. It's important. Can you put him on?"// Angel's voice was filled with worry and Faith thought she heard his voice crack, as if he were getting ready to cry.

"Angel, what's wrong? Did something happen?" Spike's hands stopped when he heard who was on the phone and Faith's words.

//"Faith, I haven't got much time. Let me talk to Spike."//

"Whatever." Faith held the phone out to Spike. "It's Angel and he's demanding to talk to you. Says it's important." Spike took the receiver and tried to stay calm, but there was a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"What do you want, Angel? I'm kinda busy." Faith snorted at those words and Spike turned his back on the girl as she dressed.

//"Well, get unbusy. I just got a call from Willow and...."//

"I told you I'm not a white hat. If there's an apocolypse coming---."

//"Spike, shut up and listen. Buffy had a wreck going home from the party. From what Willow and Oz told me it was pretty fucking bad."//

"I'm sorry about that, mate. You want me to come and keep you company while you wait?"

//Damnit, Spike. Listen to me. Xander was with her."// Spike's hands went numb and he almost dropped the phone. Xander was with her. The wreck was bad and Xander was with her. All of Spike's fears came back to him. He was going to lose Xander. Going to lose the boy before he could tell him that he was sorry, that he was just a coward who didn't want to admit how much he cared about Xander. //"Spike...Spike are you there? Answer me."//

"I'm here. I'll be there as soon as I can. Angel....is he going to die?" There was a long pause on the other end of the phone before Angel answered.

//"I don't know, Spike. I wish I could tell you he wasn't, but it was bad. The workers had only managed to get Xander out of the car while I was talking to Willow."//

"I'm leaving now." Spike threw the phone on the bed, not saying a word to Faith as he ran out the door and into the night, begging anyone who would listen to give him one more chance...just one more chance.

Part Eleven

Spike raced into the emergency room, practically knocking everyone to the ground on his way to the desk. The receptionist glanced up from her work as Spike approached.

"Can I help---"

"Harris....Summers...where are they?" The woman typed in a name and shook her head.

"I don't see a Harris Summers listed. Was that Summer Harris?"

"No, you daft bint! I said where are they...as in plural. XANDER HARRIS and BUFFY SUMMERS. Where. Are. They?"

"Sir, I know you're upset but if you don't keep your voice down----"

"Of course I'm bloody fucking upset. They were in a car wreck...they could be..." Spike couldn't say the word. He felt a hand on his shoulder, turning to face the offender, a deep growl rumbling in his throat.

"Spike, calm down. And watch that." Angel motioned towards Spike's face, noticing the vampire's features shifting in and out of demon form. "You won't be any good to Xander if you get yourself thrown out of here."

Spike concentrated on getting his emotions under control but it took him several minutes and a lot of Angel's calming influence to achieve success. Finally, after taking one last unneeded breath Spike asked the question he was dreading hearing the answer to.

"Is Xander dead?" Angel pulled him into a hug, feeling empathy for his childe. He knew exactly what Spike was going through. He had been panicky since Willow's call. The thought of losing Buffy was almost too much to bear. "He's not dead. Come on, we're over here." Angel led him down the hallway where Willow, Oz, Cordelia, Giles and Joyce were standing, trying to catch a glimpse of their loved ones as the doctors worked on them.

"How are they doing?" Spike strained to see Xander, but there were too many doctors surrounding him.

"The doctor said Buffy had three bad cuts, her left leg, left hand and a gash on her forehead. Her left arm was sprained, her nose was broken and from what the doctors could tell she's suffered a concussion. They're taking her down for a CAT scan to make sure there's no brain damage but we won't know how bad it is until she wakes up." Joyce told him. The door opened and Buffy was rolled out. Her skin was paler than usual but she was awake. Dark circles were evident under her eyes and Spike saw the pain in them but she forced a smile when Joyce leaned down to kiss her on the cheek.

"Mom's here. Everything is going to be okay." She stepped back to allow Angel a moment with Buffy. Buffy held Angel's hand as she surveyed the group, tears forming in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry you guys."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Buffy." Giles placed his hand on the girl's shoulder.

"Yes, yes I do. I...I panicked. I saw that car coming at us and I didn't know what to do. I've never felt so helpless in my entire life. Those other lights were coming at us and I froze. What if Xander dies because I froze?" The tears started to flow at the thought of one of her best friends dying because of her.

"Buffy, don't think like that. The accident wasn't your fault and Xander isn't going to die." Angel reassured her.

"I'm sorry, but we really have to get Buffy to x-ray. The scan shouldn't take long. If you'd like to follow us you can wait---" Buffy didn't let the doctor finish, looking at her mother with pleading eyes.

"Mom, I'm going to be fine. Please...stay here with Xander until he wakes up." Joyce turned to the doctor.

"You're absolutely sure my daughter is going to be alright?"

"Until we see the results of the scan I can't be certain. However, it's my opinion that your daughter will be just fine. She has a strong constitution and amazingly enough, she's already looking much better." Spike shuddered. If Buffy had looked worse than this, what did Xander look like. After all, she was the slayer and slayers were like vampires, fast healers. Xander was a normal human...no, there was nothing normal about the boy. He was extraordinary, Spike told himself. Xander was a fighter who had survived countless battles against Angelus, himself and the Hellmouth. He would be okay, he would be okay, had to be okay. The words kept running through his mind until he heard Joyce's reply.

"I'll stay with him, baby. As soon as we hear anything, we'll let you know." Joyce gave her daughter another kiss before the orderlies took her away. She turned back towards the door, a small sigh escaping her lips. "I can't believe Xander's parents aren't here yet. What kind of parents leave their son alone at a time like this?" The rest of the group shifted uncomfortably, each of them knowing in varying degrees just what kind of parents Xander had. They were saved from answering Joyce's question when one of the doctors made his way to the door. He stepped outside and Spike turned to catch a glimpse of Xander. If his heart had been beating, he would have had a heart attack.

Xander was strapped onto a board, every part of his body being held immobile. There was a tube in his nose, several iv's in his arms giving him fluids and blood, and his left eye and cheek were bruised. He had a large bruise on his forehead and there was blood matted in his dark hair. His torn and bloody clothes lay in a heap on the floor, his body covered with the clean, white hospital sheets which only made Xander look paler than Spike.

"I'm Dr. Stone. Are Mr. and Mrs. Harris here yet?"

"No. I called them as soon as I got word but they're not here yet."

"I'm Rupert Giles, doctor." Giles stepped forward to shake the doctor's hand. "I believe I'm listed as the emergency contact if his parents can't be reached." Dr. Stone opened the thick file in his hands and looked at the top sheet. Spike stared at the file, wondering how many times Xander had been here because of his parents and how many times it had been demons. Not much difference, if you asked him.

"Ah, yes there it is. Well, I guess I can tell you how Xander is doing."

"Is he going to be alright?" Giles looked weary and there were circles under his eyes. For a man who had never wanted children, he was surprised to find he now had five. The young people in the Scooby gang had found their way into his heart. Giles would never admit his feelings to the teenagers but he loved them as much as any father could love their own children---especially Buffy, Willow and Xander.

"Amazingly well, considering how bad the wreck was and how long it took to get Xander out of the car. I was afraid there would be life-threatening injuries but for once I'm happy to be proven wrong. He'll have to stay in the hospital for a few days so we can monitor him carefully, but I'm positive he'll make a full recovery." Everyone hugged, glad that both Buffy and Xander were going to be alright. Angel turned to see Spike's reaction but the younger vampire was concentrating on Xander. By the look on his face, he didn't agree with the doctor.

"What exactly are Xander's injuries?" Angel asked.

"He has a cerebral contusion, several lacerations that had to be sutured including one on the back of his head, bruising of the abdominal wall along with various organs and I'm sure he'll be very sore when he wakes up. I know that these injuries sound serious, but with careful monitoring there should be no complications and he'll be fine."

"Not with a doctor like you. Shift your arse." Spike shoved the man out of the way and strode purposefully into the room. If these idiots weren't going to help Xander, he would. Spike continued pushing his way through the nurses and orderlies, ignoring their protests. He bent forward, gently placing his ear against Xander's left abdomen. *Yes, there it was*. He heard raised voices and looked up in time to see Angel blocking the doctor's path.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Get out of my way or I'm calling security."

"Angel, what's going on?" Giles asked.

"Spike, you're going to get us thrown out of the hospital," Willow called out, upset at the thought of not being able to stay with her friends.

One of the orderlies grabbed Spike's shoulder, intent on removing the man from the room. Instead, he found himself flying across the room, hitting the wall before sliding down it in an unconscious heap. Spike growled, turning towards the others. "Anyone else feel like taking a nap?" The other orderly thought about it for a moment before vetoing the idea when he encountered Angel's broad form standing in front of him.

"I wouldn't try it," Angel advised, a cold smile on his face. "If you were lucky enough to get past me you'd still have to face Spike and he's upset at the moment." Angel directed his gaze at the unconscious man before turning back to the other. "That was only a warning tap...he hasn't gotten to the thoroughly pissed off, rip your throat out stage yet."

"Angel, get over here." Spike's tone was urgent, his blue eyes filled with fear. Angel wasted no time joining him at Xander's bedside. "Check Xander out and tell me what you think." It took only a few seconds for Angel to understand the cause of Spike's distress. Blood pooling inside where it shouldn't be, rapid breathing, weak pulse.

"I hear it. All of it." Spike faced the doctor.

"There's too much blood in Xander's abdomen. One or more of his organs is bleedin'." Dr. Stone was clearly offended by Spike's diagnosis.

"I ran a nasogastric tube to decompress Xander's stomach and there was a little blood there, but it's nothing life threatening if we keep a close watch on him. I'm sure the injured organs will heal by themselves with a few days bed rest. There was no bruising on the abdomen, no fractured ribs and very little blood in his urine."

"Did you bother to notice that Xander's heartbeat is off, his pulse is weak and he looks pale?"

"That's from the loss of blood due to his lacerations."

"There's blood from the lacerations but not enough to cause Xander's vitals to go crazy." Angel told him.

"Xander's skin is cool and moist. I'd say he's in danger of going into shock." Spike glared at the doctor, all the while rubbing his hand along Xander's arm. He didn't know if he was doing it to comfort the boy or to keep himself from killing the doctor. "And you're in danger of losing your life if that happens." Dr. Stone backed away from Spike, fear evident in his eyes.

"Are you on drugs?" Spike was shocked when Giles entered the room to stand beside him.

"I want another doctor in here immediately. If something happens to Xander while you're being arrogant and prattling on, I'll be inclined to help Spike carry out his threat. Xander means a great deal to me...to all of us and we're not going to lose him because of your imcompetency."

"How would they know---"

"Trust us." If there was one thing Angel and Spike knew, it was the human body. Angelus had learned long ago how much the human body could take before it would break. He knew how to find and cause injuries, how painful each injury would be to his victim. He had taught Spike well and he trusted himself and his childe with Xander's life.

"Not good enough. You're not a doctor so there's no way you could know what is wrong with MY patient. Statistics show that---"

"Xander isn't one of your statistics, doc, and I don't give a flying fuck about them. What I do care about is my boy and the fact that you're letting him bleed to death because you won't take your head out of your soddin' arse long enough to listen to us."

"Everyone thinks they're doctors." Dr. Stone rolled his eyes, making both Spike and Angel growl with frustration. Before Spike could make a move, Angel pushed the doctor against the wall. The orderly and nurses ran to get help while Angel let his face change into his vampiric form. The doctor would have screamed if Angel hadn't placed his hand over his mouth. He leaned down until his face was directly in front of the doctor.

"I'm beginning to feel unheard and if there's one thing I can't stand it's people not listening to me. Tends to make me cranky." Spike stepped up, also showing the doctor that he was a vampire. "Believe me when I tell you Spike and I have ripped out more internal organs than you'll ever surgically remove in a lifetime. I think that qualifies us enough to know these things, don't you? " The doctor nodded. "Good. We have an understanding, then?" Again the doctor nodded. "Xander doesn't have time for you to waste. We want another doctor right now."

"You can let go of my colleague." Angel looked up to see another doctor enter the room. He quickly changed back to his human visage but it was too late. The doctor smiled at the two vampires before making his way to Xander's bed. "No need to try to hide what you are. Unlike the rest of the Sunnydale population, I know what's out there. I've seen enough neck abrasions, anemia and deaths caused by lack of blood to figure out what's going on. Well, that and the fact that I was nearly killed by a vampire myself."

"And you're not afraid of them?" Giles asked, pointing at Spike and Angel. The doctor shook his head.

"If these two are this concerned about a young man I am fairly certain is 100% human, then I don't feel I'm in danger, however, Dr. Stone might be feeling quite differently. My name is Dr. Moreheart...I'm the chief surgeon here." He held his hand out, demanding the files from Dr. Stone. The man quickly handed them over before trying to leave the room but found himself stopped by Spike.

"If anything happens to Xander because of your stupidity don't even think of running. I'll track you to the ends of the earth if that's what it takes and when I find you, I'll make you scream in agony before I rip your still beating heart out of your chest." Dr. Stone went for the door but was once again stopped, this time by Dr. Moreheart.

"Do not leave this room, Dr. Stone." The other doctor put the files down and started examining Xander. He gently tapped on Xander's abdomen and shoulder, causing the boy to moan. Spike ran to his bedside, taking Xander's hand while the doctor continued to examine him. Xander moaned again, but never woke up and there was anger on the doctor's face when he looked at the other doctor.

"This young man has hypotension and rigid guarding on the left side. I saw where you ordered a CT scan but why didn't you perform a DPL?"

"As I told these....them," Dr. Stone pointed at Spike and Angel, "there were no bruises, no fractures and I didn't think the bleeding was---"

"That's your problem, Dr. Stone. You didn't think. I don't know where you got your medical license, but I'm going to make sure you never treat another patient at this hospital. Now get the hell out of my sight." Dr. Stone nodded and left the room. Dr. Moreheart pushed a button on the wall, speaking into it with clipped precision. "I need a nurse in ER Room 2 stat. Tell her to bring a lavage kit." Before any of the gang could ask the doctor any questions a nurse came into the room carrying the kit. As she set it up, Dr. Moreheart turned to the others. "You might want to leave the room while I do this."

"I'm not going anywhere," Spike stated as everyone except Angel filed out of the room. He was still holding Xander's hand and he had a stubborn look on his face which was quickly replaced with a surprised one when Dr. Moreheart laughed.

"That's alright. I don't think the sight of blood will make you sick." Spike and Angel watched as Dr. Moreheart made an incision into Xander's abdomen. He threaded a catheter into the cut while the nurse attached a bag at the other end. "I'm going to put some saline into Xander's abdomen, see if we can find any evidence of the blood we all suspect is leaking into it." When the doctor pulled the catheter out there was definitely blood in the bag. "Shit. Nurse, I'll suture the patient. Get some orderlies in here to take Alexander down to surgery and make sure you call ahead for an operating room. Tell them I need one now.

"Yes, Dr. Moreheart." The nurse ran out of the room, causing the Scoobies to enter in much the same fashion.

"What is it, Doctor" Giles asked, concern evident in his voice.

"There is definitely some internal injuries...Alexander has a damaged spleen along with possible injuries to the liver and surrounding organs. He should have been in the operating room by now." Dr. Moreheart stared at Giles. "Are you the father of this boy?"

"Well, not technically, but I've been authorized to make any decisions when it comes to Xander's health."

"Very good. Then you'll need to sign these consent forms so I can operate. We need to get inside and determine how bad the spleen was injured and whether there is bleeding from any of the surrounding organs. Hopefully, Dr. Stone's incompetency won't cause any complications."

"Such as?" Giles asked, handing the papers back.

"Let's cross that bridge when we come to it. I'll do everything humanly possible to make sure Alexander gets the best care possible. " By this time, the orderlies had arrived and were now ready to transport Xander to surgery. Spike kissed Xander on the forehead not caring who saw him.

"Gonna be alright now, pet. You have to be. So many things I need to tell you." Angel pulled Spike away from Xander so the orderlies could take him to the operating room.

"He's going to be fine, Spike. You have to believe that." Spike watched the others leave the room before turning to face Angel.

"Now do you understand why I turned Xander away? This is exactly what I was afraid of. My worst nightmare coming true." Spike was in game face, the smell of Xander's blood overwhelming him. He picked up the tray beside of the empty bed, throwing it into the wall. "Bloody humans are too damn fragile!" Another loud crash when an empty stand was hurled across the room. "I'm a vampire. I should be out hunting and killing them... instead I'm standing in a fucking hospital feeling helpless and scared witless that one of them is going to die!" Another stand hit the wall before Angel finally managed to grab Spike, holding him tight as both of them slid to the ground. Spike began to weep openly while Angel rocked him, trying to soothe Spike's senses. He could only imagine how the smell of Xander's blood was affecting Spike. Angel was having a hard time smelling Buffy's blood and he knew the one he loved was going to recover. It was a few minutes before Spike finally got some control of his emotions, but tears were still running down his face when he raised his head to meet Angel's eyes.

"Tell me something, childe. What you did tonight...rejecting Xander, leaving with Faith, having sex with her...did it make any of this easier?" Spike glared at his sire.

"You know it didn't! Are you bringing all this up so you can tell me you told me so?" Angel took Spike's head in his hands, wiping the tears from the younger vampire's cheeks.

"No. I'm answering your question. I don't understand. Xander was right when he said you couldn't run from your feelings. If you had accepted his offer of love...or whatever this is between the two of you...and he had gotten hurt, could you feel any worse than you do right now?"

"If I had told Xander I wanted him too, he wouldn't have been in the accident."

"Don't go there, Spike. I'm not trying to torture you or place blame. I'm trying to make you see that whether you're with Xander or not, you'll always worry about him because you care. Why deny yourself and Xander the happiness you could have....for whatever amount of time because you're scared? Hold onto the moments you have, cherish them and be happy while you can. One brooding, guilt-ridden vampire in our family is enough." Angel was relieved to see a small smile appear on Spike's face at those words.

"Too bloody right, mate. As soon as he's awake, I'm going to tell Xander how I feel." Spike and Angel rose, heading for the door. "I only hope I'm not too late." Angel didn't answer but mentally he was hoping the same thing.
***************************************
It had been three hours before the doctor had come into the waiting room to tell Spike and the others that Xander had survived the operation, but for Spike it had been an eternity. Angel and Joyce had gone back and forth between Buffy's room and the waiting room, the slayer demanding to be kept informed about her friend. Willow, Oz, Cordelia and Giles had managed to sleep a little, but Spike had paced back and forth until he was sure the tiles on the floor were going to be worn out.

"How is he?"

"The surgery went well. There was a large tear in the spleen but I was able to repair it instead of taking it out. I also found small lacerations on the liver and pancreas that were leaking blood so I repaired them as well."

"Can we see him?" Willow asked. Dr. Moreheart shook his head.

"Xander's in recovery right now. We'll be moving him to I.C.U. in an hour or so and I'm leaving word with the staff that you can see him then... but only for brief visits." The doctor turned to Spike and Angel. "You two can come and go as you please. If you hadn't caught the bleeding in time Xander could have died from shock. As it stands he's going to have to be watched very closely for any signs of infection such as peritonitis or sepsis. After witnessing Dr. Stone's incompetence, I would feel better if Xander had one of you with him at all times. I will rest easier knowing that you can catch any changes the staff might overlook, especially concerning his pancreas. It's very rare to see pancreatic damage due to blunt force trauma."

"Don't need to worry about Xander being alone, doc. I'm not going anywhere until Xander does." Dr. Moreheart and Angel grinned at Spike while the others watched in confusion.

"I figured as much. That's why I'm having a special room set up...one that will have a larger bed in it so that you can get some rest. However, I'm restricting any physical activity for at least two weeks, maybe longer depending on how fast and trouble free his recover is. Besides, I don't want the staff distracted or the other patients disturbed."

"Xander's worth waiting for.....what's two weeks?" Spike shook the doctor's hand. "You did good, doc. You saved my boy's life and that's something I won't forget. I'm putting out the word that if anyone or anything hurts you or your family, they will have to answer to me. You're under my protection now."

"Just doing my job. Now why don't all of you take a break? It's been a long night and as I said it will be at least an hour before Xander is out of recovery. If you'd like to visit your other friend or get something to eat feel free to do so. I've put some packets of blood in a cooler that will be placed in Xander's room if either of you get hungry." Spike and Angel thanked the doctor before informing him that they could be found in Buffy's room. She was worried about Xander and they needed to tell her what was going on. After the doctor left, the group turned to face Spike.

"What the hell was that all about? You and Xander aren't having sex are you?" Cordelia asked, making Willow's cheeks flush red with embarassment while Giles furiously polished his glasses.

"I'm guessing the tactful approach is off the menu." Oz put his arm around his blushing girlfriend.

"Pfft. Tact is way overrated. Besides, it takes too long. I want to know what's going on with Spike and Xander. Since I'm his ex-girlfriend I think I have a right to know whether he's suddenly turned gay or not."

"You just said the magic word, cheerleader. Ex-girlfriend. Past tense."

"With an emphasis on girl."

"Not telling you anything. What does or doesn't go on between Xander and me is our business. If he wants to answer your third degree when he wakes up...fine. Otherwise, sod off." Cordelia was about to reply when Giles intervened.

"Enough! Let's just be thankful that Buffy and Xander made it through this horrible ordeal."

"Haven't made it through yet, watcher." Spike was still worried about Xander. Even though he had come through the operation, there was still a possibility of infection. Spike decided right then and there that once he was allowed to see Xander he was not leaving the boy's side for any reason.

"Spike's right," Willow agreed. "Both doctors warned us about set backs. And then there's the freaking out part. Buffy's been going crazy worrying about Xander and she was so scared. She might have nightmares. Do you think there will be nightmares?"

"It's a distinct possibility. Everyone gets unnerved when they have an accident, especially one like they had." Giles agreed.

"I'm gonna have nightmares remembering how the car looked and I wasn't even in it." Willow said and Oz nodded.

"Definitely nightmare worthy."

"Still, things are better than they were last night, right?" Everyone had to agree with Willow's statement as they made their way to Buffy's room to tell her about Xander.
*************************************************
"I'm telling you for the last time....I didn't see the car! All I saw were the headlights swerving back and forth in the road." The gang could hear Buffy's voice all the way down the hallway and Angel hurried ahead as the others followed.

"I think it's time for you to leave. You're upsetting my daughter." Joyce said just as Angel rushed into the room. He glared at the two men before going to Buffy.

"Are you okay?" Angel took Buffy in his arms, holding her close while trying to be careful not to hurt her more than she already was. Buffy rested against his chest for a moment before turning hopeful eyes on him.

"Is there any word on Xander?"

"He made it through the surgery. He's in recovery right now...then they're going to move him to ICU."

"ICU? That's bad isn't it? Why does Xander have to go to ICU? Why can't he be in a room like mine? Is there something you're not telling me?"

"Buffy, calm down. Xander had lacerations to his spleen and liver but------"

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God." Buffy started to cry. Angel kissed her on the cheek, trying to calm her down.

"Xander's going to be fine. They repaired the internal damage and he didn't lose his spleen. They put him in ICU so they could monitor him. They want to make sure he doesn't get an infection from the surgery. It's standard procedure." Angel stared at the group, daring them to contradict him. Willow sat down next to Buffy and patted her on the shoulder.

"Buffy, do you really think I'd be here if there was anything bad going on with Xander? If I thought he was in danger, it would take a crowbar to pry me away from him." Buffy smiled, knowing Willow was telling the truth. Even though Buffy was best friends with Willow and Xander, the two of them had been inseperable since kindergarden.

"I'm so sorry, Will. Do you hate me?" Willow stared at her friend, confused by her words.

"Why would I hate you?"

"I was driving the car and you know how I---"

"Drive so carefully. Yeah, I do." Buffy saw Willow's glance at the two men, figuring out what her friend was trying to do.

"It's alright, Will. They're not blaming me for the wreck."

"Then why are you blaming yourself?"

"Because maybe...if I had done something differently...if I had been faster about getting out of the road..."

"You can't think like that, Buffy. It'll just drive you crazy second guessing yourself." Angel assured her, turning his attention towards the two men. "So what exactly are you doing here and why are you upsetting Buffy?"

"I apologize if that's what happened. We were hoping Ms. Summers or Mr. Harris could identify the hit and run driver." Spike's eyes flashed amber for a moment at those words.

"What the hell are you talkin' about, mate. What hit and run driver?"

"While all of you were waiting to see how Xander was the police came and questioned Buffy. She told them there was a car weaving on the road. She tried to dodge it, but the car clipped her jeep and spun them into the middle of the road where the truck hit them." Angel explained to Spike before questioning the police. "So you found the person who did this?"

"We found a car with a dented hood and left quarter panel sitting in a convenience store parking lot about a mile from the accident. It had black paint on it which we sent to the lab. We matched the paint taken from Ms. Summer's jeep to paint found on this car and they were a positive match. However, the owner of the car is saying that his car was stolen, so unless Ms. Summers or Mr. Harris can identify this person, we can't charge him with anything."

"Are you two fucking daft? Of course the bloke is going to make an excuse like that. Who was it?" Spike asked, intent on killing the coward. Angel read his childe's mind, rising to keep Spike from attacking the police.

"Spike, take it easy."

"Take it easy? Take it easy? Haven't you heard a word of this conversation, Angel? The coward left Xander and Buffy to die. Now he's trying to get out of what he did by telling lies. Well, it's not going to work. He's going to pay." The threat was evident....Spike was going to kill the man.

"He will, sir. If Ms. Summers can't remember anything then maybe Mr. Harris can. If not, we'll try to find a witness who can place this man driving the car at the time of the accident. As it stands, the man's wife is saying her husband was home all night. Ms. Summers, do you think it would help you remember if you took a look at him?"

"I don't know. It might." The policeman nodded, getting on his walkie talkie. "Bring the suspect to Ms. Summer's room."

Angel pulled Spike over to the corner of the room. "I want to kill this man as much as you do, but not here. We have to control our anger until the time is right. Can you do that?" Spike shrugged, not knowing if he could do what Angel asked.

"Has anyone seen Mr. or Mrs. Harris? Have they been here to check on their son?" Joyce shook her head.

"No. I called them as soon as Willow called me but they never showed up."

"I see. Did you talk to the mother, the father or both of them?"

"I talked to Jessica, Xander's mother. Why?"

"Did she mention if her husband was home at the time?"

"Not specifically but she did say they would come to the hospital as soon as they could. I don't know why they're not here yet." Everyone in the room, with the exception of Buffy and Joyce, were beginning to feel apprehensive...they were pretty sure why the detective was asking these questions. It was Spike who spoke up.

"The suspect is Xander's father isn't it?" The two policemen exchanged glances before the blonde one answered Spike's question.

"I'm afraid so." The room grew eerily quiet, each of them trying to register the fact that Xander's father had been the one to almost kill Buffy and his own son. Quiet until Tony Harris was brought into the room. After that chaos reigned, everyone rushing to separate Spike and Tony before Spike could actually kill the man.

Part Twelve

Part Thirteen

Part Fourteen

Part Fifteen

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