Rating : R
Summary: Sometimes you get what you need from an unexpected source.
Feedback: If you want to.
Disclaimer: If I were Joss, you'd be saying : "Spuffy? What the hell is Spuffy?"
A/N: Thanks to the mega-talented Velvet Crypt for making me this lovely piccie!
If you want to see it, go to the site below.
We all have them, things we can't survive without. Food, water, shelter. Those are the basics, the things you can't live without.
Then there are the secondary needs. Warmth, safety, security ... That sort of thing. You can get by with out them, but thy're nice to have none the less.
Then there are other needs. Family, friends, love, commitment, fulfillment. These are things that some people never find. They wander through life as lo, mi, misreable, angry, hate-filled creatures. All because they are lacking the fulfillment of these needs.
Humans have needs. So do demons. Vampires need only two of the basics. Food - in the form of blood, and shelter - some where to escape the suns deadly rays. Warmth, safety and security are things that most never strive for. Family, friends, love, commitment, fulfillment? Not even heard of. A vampire has no family, he has a Sire - the one who made him - who is not much more than an owner, and minions - lesser vamps that he himself has made. Demons don't make friends - they have allies, co-conspirators, but not friends. No one loves a demon, how could they? Commitment is a rare thing, sometimes it happens, but it's never the forever kind. And as far as fulfillment goes, it doesn't. A vampire never feels fulfilled, they always need more. More blood, more violence, more sex, more pain. It's never enough.
Spike wasn't like other vampires. He had human n, ev, even before he went and got himself a soul. It's the primary reason he got the soul in the first place. He needed. He needed to be loved, to have friends, family, commitment. He wanted to feel secure, safe, warm. He thought that if he had a soul, that if he were closer to being human, thatse tse things would be granted to him. That she would accept him. He was wrong.
The soul made the feelings worse, not better. He still had all those needs, but now they were a hundred times more intense. He couldn't deal with the ache, the raw emotions - the grief, the misery, the loneliness.
The thing was, the soul had other needs. It needed to be punished for his crimes. It needed to feel the pain he had inflicted, the humiliation he had handed out to others. It needed forgiveness, aidn'idn't know how to get it.
That's what led to this.
He stands against the wall, the harness is tight across his chest, the leather of the chaps feels good against his thighs. His ass is bare to the cold air of the basement.
He waits for the first blow of the paddle. He needs this. The punishment, the pain, the humiliation. If he endures this long enough, if he suffers enough at the hands of his tormentor, then he might, finally, get the things he needs. Forgiveness, security, family, love.
If he screams loud enough, begs long enough, then his punisher will fuck him as well. He needs this too. Needs to be torn open in violence and pain. Needs to be filled and used the way he used so many others. The demon gets off on it, however. That always earns him another beating, but he needs the beating, so it's all good.
His tormenter is very good at this. Hurting him. See, Xander has needs too. He needs to hurt someone the way he hurts. To cut them down, physically, the way his friends cut him down verbally. He needs an outlet for his rage and frustration so he doesn't snap and hurt his so called friends.
Xander doesn't mean to rape him. Every time he swears it will not happen again. But it always does. It does because Spike wants him to do it, needs him to do it. Is it actually rape if the victim is willing? Spike asked him that once but recieved no answer.
When it's finished, when Spike is broken and bleeding, when Xander is panting harshly and helping him to his feet, they feel better. They have both fulfilled some of their needs, even if only temporarily. Xander cuts himself to feed Spike. He won't make it home otherwise, and Xander is too tired to carry him.
The only thing wrong with this whole situation, is Spike finds that his needs are changing. When he closes his eyes to sleep, he no longer sees blonde hair and a sunny smile, he no longer yearns for a tiny frame with super-human strength to enfold him in her arms. Whe clo closes his eyes these days, he sees dark eyes shining with pain and misery, a large warm body that holds him close and feeds him his own lifes blood. He hears a soft voice apologising for hurting him, telling him he won't d aga again. He knows he will, he needs it.
Xander gives him what he needs. The pain, the humiliation, the punishment. But he also gives him shelter, food, a sense of security and friendship. It's an odd mix, both the good and the bad. But as long as Spike has Xander, he has more than he ever has before. He has someone to fulfill his needs. At least some of them. For now, that's enough.
What a strange word. It sounds almost too simple to describe the emotion behind it. To want something, to really want something and not have it can be painful. Almost to the point of torture.
Xander wants alot of things he can't have. He wants love, friends, a real family, a decent car, a bigger apartment, a date with Miss July, a second chance to go back and fix things with Anya - he never should have proposed, he wants his friends to respect him ... The list is ongoing.
His friends. Hmm. He wonders sometimes if that is what they really are. Alot of the time they don't feel like friends, more like ... superiors. They tell him what to do, how to do it, and when to have it done by. It's always "Xander, put that over there" or "Xander can you fix that?" and of course who can forget "Xander, don't forget the jellies" Ah yes, fond high-school memories.
They don't love him. Not really. How could they, and still him the way they do? Like a pet, or a possession. Willow used to love him, before the magic took control of her life. Before Oz, before Tara, before they knew about what went bump in the night. Buffy has never loved him. She likes him well enough to keep him around but it's more for what he can do for her than anything else. Anya, Anya loved the idea of being in love. She wanted the dream. The perfect marriage, perfect children, perfect house with the perfect little white picket fence. Oh, and the orgasms. Can't forget the orgasms, but she never really loved him - Xander - she just thought she was supposed to because they were together.
Somedays, all Xander wants is an escape. He wants to be anything other than the good little slayerette who always does what he should. He wants to laugh at the old woman who slipped on the banana peel and lost all of her oranges, instead of helping her to her feet and picking up the afore mentioned fruit.
Xander wants to hurt someone, several someones in fact. A certain blonde someone who has never looked at him the way he wanted her to, a red haired someone who's constant reminders of his non-super hero status make him constantly think less of himself, and of course, his now brunette again ex fiance who tried to have his friends - his friends - make a wish so she could curse him. He wants to hurt them. But he's Xander. So he won't.
That's where Spike comes in.
Spike wants what Xander can give him. He wants to be hurt, punished, used and abused. He craves the beatings, the humiliation, the chance to atone himself by induring the very acts he himself committed. Not all of them of course. Xander isn't that cruel.
But with Spike, he can take out his frustrations of not being good enough, of not being special. With Spike, he is everything. He is the only one who can give Spike what he needs, what he craves. And seeing him, when he's all submissive, makes Xander want to hurt him. He wants to make Spike pay for being stronger than he is, for having Buffy when he knows he never will, for making him feel things for him that he shouldn't.
He picks up the paddle and brings it down hard on Spikes exposed rear end. The chaps were a good idea on his part. He figured if Spike was going to act like a sub, he should look the part as well. It makes Spike feel ashamed, which he seems to like, so it's all good.
After the paddle, when Spike is begging, Xander throws him to the floor and mounts him quickly. He doesn't bother to prepare the vampire, just pushes in savagely. He knows that it hurts him. But he also knows that Spike enjoys the pain. He'll have to hit him again when he's finished, Spike isn't supposed to get off on this. He'll have to be punished.
The first time it happened was an accident. Xander had had a bad day at work followed by a bad night patrolling. Both Buffy and Willow had told him to go home, that he'd only be in the way. Then he saw them take Dawn with them when they left the house. DAWN! So he did what any man would do after being tossed aside for a fifteen year old girl. He went out on his own.
He was of course, utterly humiliated to have to be rescued by said fifteen year old girl. It was a lucky shot on her part, but still very damaging to Xanders ego. When his "friends" were done berating him for not going home when they told him to, he left. But he still didn't go home. Not untill he'd stopped by the bronze and had a beer ... or five.
Spike was more annoying than usual that night. Or perhaps Xander just had less patience? Either way, it led to the same thing. Xander beat Spike bloody and took him - brutally - over the back of the sofa.
Of course Xander was horrified when he realized what he'd done. Tony Harris would have been proud to know his boy was following in his footsteps. He spent an hour in the shower scrubbing himself raw and sobbing until the hot water ran out. Spike slept without nightmares that night for the first time since getting his soul.
It didn't happen again for almost two weeks. But when it did, it was just as good - or bad, depending on who you asked. Spike figured out after the first time that he needed this. So he went about taunting and annoying Xander until it happened again. Afterwards, they talked.
So now, Xander knows why Spike wants this, the act of submission for him is theraputic. It makes a weird kind of sense to him. He tries to tell himself that he's only doing this because Spike needs it. He knows it's a lie.
The truth is, Xander wants. He wants to dominate Spike. Wants to hurt him. Wants to humiliate him and torture him. He wants to bury himself so deep inside the cold hard body that he won't feel anything anymore. Won't feel the pain of being rejected by his friends. Won't feel the frustration of being stuck in this God forsaken town because of his sense of duty. Won't feel the sting of rejection from the next failed relationship he's doomed to have. Won't have to think about why he cares if this makes Spike feel better.
He wants to stop being the zeppo, the doughnut boy. He wants to be seen for who is really is. He wants to be respected. He wants someone to love him for him. All of him. The loser, the science-fiction geek, the noble white-knight, the insecure little boy who still hides his pain behind lame jokes and loud clothing, and the man he has become. The man that he so called friends don't see.
When it's all over, when Spike is once again broken and bleeding and laying on the cold cement floor, he picks him up, cradles him to his chest and tells him he's sorry. He is. He's sorry that he does this, that he wants this, that Spike wants this. He cuts himself, like he always does, and closes his eyes as Spike feeds.
He wants this too. He wants to feel Spikes mouth on his flesh, feel him draw his blood from his veins. He wants to know that a part of him is inside with Spike even after they are finished. He wants to remember that he is giving life to Spike. It makes him feel better about the pain he has caused him. It makes him feel importent. For this moment, at least, Spike needs him. Xander wants that feeling. Being needed.
He helps Spike back upstairs to his apartment. Then he undresses him and puts him in the bath. Spike is always quiet after these sessions. But it's good, Xander doesn't want him to speak while he bathes him, dries him and puts him to bed.
In the darkness of his own bedroom, Xander thinks about other things that he wants. The things he knows he can never have. He wants, just once, to touch Spike in passion instead of anger. To kiss him, softly, like a lover. He wants to see Spike look at him with love, he wants to love him in return.
He wants to, but he can't. Spike doesn't want Xander, he wants Buffy. Spike doesn't want love from him, he wants redemption. He doesn't want affection, he wants humiliation and pain.
Spike wants what Xander can give him. Xander wants what he can never have.
When I was human, a quarter of a century - or so - ago, I shirked my obligations to my family. It wasn't that I was expected to do anything horrible or anything, there was no pre-arranged marriage, or being sent to the monastary or anything like that. I was just expected to act like a decent young man, take a wife, have children, run my fathers business until he died and it became mine.
Obviously that isn't what happened. I didn't want to be the man my father hoped I would be. Instead, I set out to ruin not only myself, but my fathers good name as well just by being unfortunate enough to have spawned me. I stole, I lied, I spent every waking hour drinking, brawling and keeping the company of tavern whores.
That's what attracted Darlas' attention. If I had only lived up to my obligations, I would have never become a vampire, I would never have slaughtered countless thousands of innocent people, and I would not be responsible for the creation of three other master vampires, two of which are still alive - or undead - whatever.
As Angelus, I had obligations as well. I'm ashamed to say that as the demon I lived up to my obligations, I taught my childer to hunt, to kill, to toy with their prey. I made sure that they could survive on their own, even my mad lovely Drusilla. She was insane, but she was far stronger than she looked and her visions told her about impending danger.
When I recieved my soul, I fled. I left my sire and my childer, in short I fled my obligations once again. I could not look at them and see what I had made - a family. A family that respected me, listened to me, and revelled in my love of excess. They did not judge me for how many I killed or how much I drank, they loved me. But with my soul intact, I could not be the hunter that I was, I would appear weak to them. So I shirked my obligations and fled.
That was a century ago, give or take a few years. I lived on the fringes of humanity, stuck to myself mostly. I fed off of rats and other animals. I ignored the world around me, ignored the people in trouble who I could have helped if I were inclined to do so. But I wasn't. I felt no obligation to these people.
Then Whistler found me. He showed me a lovely young girl sitting in the sunlight and told me she would die with out my help. Suddenly I wanted to help her, to save her. Funny that, a vampire wanting to help the slayer. But I did. I felt something for her that I hadn't felt in a very long time. An obligation.
Because I loved her, I lost my soul and became Angelus again. My childer were there to greet me again, my sweet Drusilla welcomed me with opened arms, William - Spike as he likes to call himself now - did not. He resented me for abandoning them, for not fulfilling my obligations. He said the soul didn't matter to him, that he would have helped me, that he would have loved me anyways. But not now. It was too late for that now.
He resented my presence, my William did. He hated that Dru spent her days in my bed now that I was returned to her. He hated that he was crippled and I didn't help him. I wasn't obligated to, he wasn't my Wil anymore. My Wil was sweet, loving, and tender - when we were alone at least. He was a viscious hunter, had a thirst for violence and blood. He was everything I wanted as a demon. But this Spike, he was rude, harsh, arrogant, he hated me, he couldn't hunt, he was stuck in a wheelchair for Gods sake. I had no pity for him.
He got even. William was always crafty, Spike it seemed was as well. He made a deal with Buffy to stop my evil plan. May I interject here that I am very thankful he did? Well, I am. He double crossed me,k Drk Drusilla and left Buffy to run a sword through me - after Willow had restored my soul.
Centuries in hell and I still felt an obligation to Buffy. I still loved her. I came back for her but things were strained between us now. We could never have what we wanted but we tried to fool ourselves that what we did have was enough. It wasn't. And eventually I proved true to form and I shirked my obligations to her and I left town.
LA has been good for me. I've made friends with both newple ple and old. My first friend, Doyle, passed away while saving my life. I miss him terribly but his sacrifice saved alot of people, and good demons. He understood being obligated. He didn't run away when the chips were down. For that - and alot of other things - he's a better man than I will ever be.
Now, I have a chance to atone. Wil needs me. He went and got himself a soul. I don't know why, Buffy never told me. She just said to come and get him, that he needed help and I was the only one who could help him. I feel like I have an obligation to him now. I alone understand the pain he is going through, the horrors he must bear witness to everytime he closes his eyes.
I stand outside Xander Harris' apartment door and wonder how my childe ended up living here. I don't understand it, Harris has no obligation to help Spike. Hell the boy hates vampires in general, so why is he allowing one to live with him? Spike may have a soul but so do I and I know I would never be invited to live here with him. Not that I would want to.
The door opens and I see my childe. He looks well. I'm confused. At this point, I was a mess. I hadn't eaten in weeks, could barely sleep, couldn't tell reality from fantasy. Xander watches me carefully, eventually he invites me in. I go to my Wil immediately, I assume he's putting on a brave front so as not to look weak in front of the human.
When I get close enough, I smell it. Xandecentcent permeates my childe. Underneath that is the faintest trace of blood, Spikes blood. My eyes bleed to yellow and I growl as I rip my childes shirt off. Lash marks. Some of them fresh, others are older. I'm stunned when Xander places himself between me and my now shaking childe. Spike clings to Xander and buries his face in his neck. Xander just glares at me and tells me not to touch Spike again ... or else.
It makes a strange kind of sense to me now. Spike is handling this because of Xander. Because Xander gives him the pain he needs, but also the protection. I wonder how much easier my time would have been if I had had someone to do that for me? Would my William have given me the absolution that Xander gives Spike?
I turn to leave. I'm not wanted here, nor am I needed. I have no further obligations to Spike. He belongs to Xander now. They have both made their choices, I just hope they know what they're getting into. With Buffy around, it won't be easy, for either of them.
It is an easy thing to offer, yet the hardest thing to ask for. Is it a sign of weakness to admit you need it? Or should it be taken as a sign of strength? To admit you need comfort, even when it could be portrayed as a weakness, could just prove how strong you really are.
Xander is good at providing comfort. He has always played the role of the strong shoulder. As far back as he can remember, he has been comforting Willow. The first day they met, she was crying over a broken crayon. He made her feel better. That gave Xander a sense of accomplishment. He had something of value to offer others. Comfort.
When Jesse died, he held Willow while sriedried. When Oz left, he offered comfort again. When Buffy died and their world came to an end, Xander did what he did best. He gathered his girls into his arms and held them close. But alone in the dark, who was there to comfort him?
Spike was strong. He needed nothing from no one. He went through his unlife taking what he wanted, when he wanted. Then he got chipped. For the first time since his turning, Spike wasn't strong anymore. He was helpless to defend himself against humanity. He was lost and alone. He needed comfort, but had no one to turn to. Then he came up with a plan.
Finding shelter with the enemy was the only option left to him, unable to hunt or feed, Spike depended on the slayers sense of fairness that she wouldn't just stake him on sight. Sometimes, he wished she had.
When Buffy came back from the dead, she turned to Spike for comfort. Of course it was a twisted, sick, perverted kind of comfort. But Spike gave her what she wanted, what she needed. When she no longer had need of him, she cast him aside. With no one to turn to, no one to comfort him, Spikes anger got the better of him and he tried to take what he wanted, the way he did before the chip. It was wrong, and he couldn't follow through on it. He left.
When Spike came back, he was a changed man. He had a soul. It didn't change things for him and Buffy. In fact it made things worse. She couldn't deal with the guilt she felt, that he loved her enough to get his soul back for her and she still felt nothing for him. She dumped him off on Xander and left.
Scared and alone, Spike lashed out at the only person around - Xander. He didn't know at the time that it would lead to his salvation. The first time Xander struck him he was afraid. He thought the man had finally reached his limit and would kill him. Again, he almost wished he would. But then the pain made him aware. It called him back from the brink of insanity, it comforted him. To know that he could feel something, was better than nothing. At least when Xander hit him, he was real.
But now, things are different between them. After Angels visit - when Xander defended him, protected him - there is comfort as well as punishment. Gentleness as well as pain. When Spike needs the pain, Xander still gives it to him, but when all he really wants is comfort - strong arms to hold him, soft assurances that things will be better - Xander gives him that too.
When Xander has a bad day, when things are looking bleak and he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders - Spike is there. Spike will curl up beside him on the couch and rest his head on his chest. He'll wrap his arms around Xander and purr. It is the only way he knows to offer comfort. It's more than enough for Xander. Just knowing that he's there, that he wants to make it better, is everything. Spike gives him the one thing no one else has ever offered.
You know the saying - love is a four letter word? It is. In this case, it could be several four letter words. Hurt, pain, rage, need, want, they all amount to the same thing - love.
Xander loves Spike. He has loved him from the first time he lashed out at him, from the first time he was finally able to purge himself of the rage and humiliation that filled him beyond the breaking point. He has loved him since the first time he pushed himself into that cold hard body, felt his flesh tear and his blood flow.
He loved him even more when Spike begged him to do it again. When he learned that he was loved in return. Because believe or not, Spike loves Xander as well. He loves him for the pain he gives him, the humiliation, the submission. He loves him for giving him something to hold onto, something that is real when everything else is illusion. He loves Xander for being more of a mess than he is.
Quite a pair they make. One stumbling into a life of dominance that he has no place in. The other, a master in his own rights, submitting to the clumsy efforts of a man who is barely more than a boy. But it works for them. Both of them shunned, unwanted, unloved by those around them. They give to each other what no one else will, what no one else wants. Their love - twisted as it may seem.
From the first night that he slept without dreams, without the horror of his past come back to haunt him, Spike has loved Xander. He loved him the way he never loved anyone, submissively. Even Angelus was not loved this way, William never submitted completely to his sire. He fought, kicked, clawed, and sometimes pretended, but he never submitted. But then, he was a vampire then, a true demon. Now he was not.
For one terrifying moment, Spike thought he would be given back to his sire. To be made to submit to him, to endure humiliation at the hands he mhe monster who had taken his life. Then Xander stepped in, saving him, protecting him ... loving him. Spike knew then that his love was not misplaced, that he had decided wisely when he chose to trust Xander.
For Xander, the action was completely instinctual. On some level he knew that Spike was his. That Angel was there to take him from him and he couldn't allow that. When he felt Spike cling to him, trembling in fear, something just clicked. He knew then, without a doubt that he loved Spike. Would love him for as long as he could.
Things changed for them after that. Spike still needed pain and Xander still needed to hurt someone. That was still a very big part of the relationship, but now it was only part of it, not all of it. On top of that there was now a level of comfort, of caring for one another. Spike no longer slept in the closet, he would curl himself around Xander in the early morning hours and fall asleep.
Theirs was not a love born of passion and romance, but of need and desire. There would be no candle lit dinners, no moonlit strolls on the beach. That wasn't what either of them wanted. Gone were the romantic notions of perfect happiness in the arms of fair haired beatiful women. Buffy and Anya were things of the past and everthing about them was best left forgotten. What they had now was so much stronger than that anyway.
Love isn't always hearts and roses, sometimes it's pain and bitterness. Sometimes it hurts and makes you bleed. Love isn't brains, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work it's will. Love's a funny thing.