Last Christmas

by
Jameschick

Standing in the darkened corner, he wondered what he was even doing here. He wasn’t a part of them, never had been, and even dying for them wouldn’t change it. He’d already done it, after all, and it had gotten him nowhere.

He should have just ignored the bloody phone; he knew who it was on the other end - it was December, and ever since the destruction of ole Sunnyhell, Red had made it her life’s mission to keep them all in touch with one another. The fact that they had scattered to the four corners of the Earth didn’t seem to get her down one bit. He remembered the conversation as if it were yesterday and not almost three weeks ago.

Which is how it came to this. Him standing in the corner watching as the others mingled.

Ripper had brought his friend Olivia, who had jumped slightly when she’d first seen him and had studiously avoided him since; Dawn had shown up with the older brother of one of the new Slayers; Buffy was still dating the Immortal - the wanker - Red was chatting up some Asian girl by the bar, and Xander… Xander was as beautiful as he remembered.

Spike sighed and tipped his bottle back, draining the end of his lukewarm beer before reluctantly giving up his shadowed seclusion to seek out more alcohol. Stronger alcohol. He needed something to make him forget the reason he didn’t want to be here tonight in the first place. Xander.

“J.D. Leave the bottle, that’s a mate,” Spike said to the young Hispanic man tending the bar. At least the party wasn’t in L.A. like it had been last year; he didn’t know if he could have taken it had they been at the same hotel.

Spike grinned as he watched Willow at the other end of the bar. The girl she was with seemed interested enough, he thought. At least one of them would be getting lucky tonight; he just hoped Willow’s new girl wasn’t the type to freak out come morning.

~*~

It had been at least an hour since he’d abandoned the bar for his dark corner again - this time heavily fortified with the liquor of his choice - and the party had gotten to the stupidly drunken portion of the evening. One of the Scoobies - Dawn if he remembered correctly - had suggested Karaoke and currently, Buffy, Willow, and Xander were on the makeshift stage belting out the lyrics to “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”. Although he was pretty sure they were making things up as they went along.

There weren’t any Fyarl Demons in the Rover’s version - at least not that he was aware of.

He rolled his eyes as the trio left the stage and Giles and his bird took their place. They sang a nice little rendition of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” and then got off the stage amid laughter and clapping. Dawn jumped up next and began to sing “Frosty the Snowman”.

He was just considering ducking out the back way when Willow spotted him and made a beeline for him. “Oh, bollocks,” he muttered, knowing he was stuck.

“Spike, there you are!” she said as she hugged him the way only the truly drunk can. He of course reciprocated in much the same fashion seeing as he’d drunk enough to kill a horse that night.

“Red. Happy Holidays. See you’ve been keeping yourself busy tonight,” he said as he looked to her friend who was watching them with interest.

“Oh! That’s Sonya, she’s new.”

“I figured as much. You having a good time, then?” Spike asked with somewhat genuine interest. He’d always liked Willow, after all.

“Yeah, It’s not the same, you know. I mean every year we have new faces among us, but I’m good,” she answered, nodding her head in conviction. “Hey! You haven’t sung yet,” she smiled like she’d just discovered the secrets of the Universe.

“And I’m not planning on it either.”

“But, Spike, you have to. Pleeeeeease?”

And that was how he found himself on stage. Mic in hand, and trying not to look at Xander Harris as he began to sing.

Spike shook his head softly as he sang. He could see Willow sitting right up front of the little stage, a huge grin on her face as she swayed back and forth to the music. It really was too bad she wasn’t into blokes, and even more so that he was. Well, one bloke at least.

And damn it all to hell, before he could stop himself, he was looking straight into those deep brown eyes as he sang that last bit. After swearing to himself that he was just going to forget all about Xander Harris and his crooked smile and his warm skin, his sparkling eyes and those breathy little moans he made when he was touched just the right way… Well, he had to stop thinking like that. He had a song to sing. Then he was getting the fuck out of there as fast as he could.

And what was that look? Xander almost looked apologetic, but that couldn’t be it. No way was Xander Harris sorry for what he’d done last year. Not after the things he’d said, the things he’d done; the things he’d accused Spike of doing.

Spike almost forgot where he was and what he was doing as the all the anger and pain and outright hurt from Xander’s cruel words and actions from last Christmas came rushing back to him, but then he remembered. He made sure Xander remembered it too as he sang right to him.

As the music faded out, Spike dropped the microphone, jumped down from the stage and headed straight for the door. “Sod this!” He grumbled as he snatched his coat from the rack and swirled it behind him.

Shoving his arms through his sleeves, he made his way outside into the swirling snow, and cool night air. It was nice, this reminder of Christmases past, when he was still alive. Christmas in California had always seemed so artificial. It just wasn’t real without the snow.

“Spike, wait!” he heard being shouted behind him as he continued to walk away. He spun around and glared at the dark-haired man chasing him down the street.

“I did wait, Xander. I waited a whole week for you to come back before I left L.A. I waited six months for you to call and apologize for what you said. I waited a whole fucking year for you to make this right between us before we had to play at being nice in front of the others. I did my waiting, Xan; I’m done with it.”

If he comes after me this time, Spike thought to himself, then it meant something. If he doesn’t, I’m done with the whole lot of them.

As he turned the corner, and Xander had made no move to follow him, Spike shook his head sadly, wiped his eyes roughly, and closed the door on another chapter of his life.

“Wasn’t worth the hassle anyway. Bloody humans, can’t understand what it is to commit to someone,” Spike grumbled as he snatched his cigarettes from his coat and stuck one in his mouth. As he leant in to light it from the match he’d just struck, he heard a voice behind him.

“You’re right; we don’t. We’re selfish, and stupid and have no idea of the depth of our own cruelty. But,” the voice lowered, “we’re only human, we make mistakes. Sometimes we make mistakes so big we don’t think there is anything that we can do to fix them. Sometimes, we cut our losses before we should, remaining silent when we should speak.”

Spike slowly turned around, seeing a very humbled Xander Harris in front of him. “Sometimes, we do things we don’t mean, things that hurt others, and even when we know we are wrong, we don’t apologize. Well, I’m not one of those people, Spike. Not anymore. I owe you more than an apology, I owe you an explanation as well.”

Spike took a drag off his cigarette and looked the man in front of him over carefully. “All right then, explain why you came on to me, why you took me back to your room that night only to throw me out the next day accusing me of everything from using a thrall on you to getting you drunk and raping you. Explain that to me Xander; I think I waited long enough.”

Xander nodded. “You’re right. Can we do this inside? Someplace warm?” he asked. At Spike’s nod he turned and headed back to the hotel, hearing the vampire’s steps echoing behind him.

~*~

It was like a nasty case of deja vu. Here they sat, in Xander’s hotel room, after the annual Scooby get-together. Spike was two sheets to the wind, the third sheet having been taken care of by the cold air. The only difference from last year was it was New York, not L.A. and Xander was sober.

Clearing his throat, Xander nervously fidgeted with his hands. Spike waited for him to speak and after several minutes of silence, Xander finally began. “First, the apology. I’m sorry, Spike. I treated you like shit and I had no right to do that. You did nothing wrong, and everything right. It was my idea to bring you back to the hotel that night. My idea to kiss you, to ask you to bed me. I wanted you and in my state of Harris Holiday Happiness - also known as being pissed out of my head - I didn’t stop to think about what you might want.”

Xander snorted to himself in disgust. “You weren’t the first guy I picked up on a bender and went off on the next morning, Spike. You were just the first friend I’ve done it to.”

Pacing, Xander didn’t look as he continued to explain himself. “After Sunnydale, everything went to hell, my life spiralled out of control and I guess I just lost it for a while. I went to Africa on assignment, then to Asia, then to Australia, and so on. No settling down, no home, no friends, no job to go to in the morning. Just more Slayers to find, more Slayers to train. They’re just girls, Spike, you know? I never was good at distancing myself from others in need. I got close to them; each one of them I lost just killed me a little bit more. So, being my father’s son and all, I turned to the bottle.”

At this point, Xander looked up at Spike and shrugged helplessly. “I know it was stupid, especially with the way I grew up. I knew better but I did it anyway. I have no excuse for my actions and I’m not trying to blame the booze for my attitude either. I’m just giving you the facts.”

“Fair enough,” Spike said and motioned for Xander to continue.

“After Anya died, I swore there would never be another woman in my life. She was it, Spike, the one woman I was meant to love, you know? I’ve always found men attractive as well as women; I just never acted on it before. I was always too afraid of what my parents would say, what my friends would think, how my co-workers would react, to do anything about it. Then all of a sudden, it didn’t matter. I had no parents to worry about, my friends were scattered all over the planet and co-workers, well I didn’t really have any. It was just me. So, while I was in Sydney I went to a bar one night, got pissed off my face, and got picked up by a man.”

Spike nodded knowingly. He could see where this story was going.

“Needless to say, the next morning when I sobered up, I freaked out over it all. I left the hotel, found the Slayer I was after and never looked back. It was always a different place, a different bar, a different guy, but the end results were always the same.”

“Got drunk, got shagged, and in the morning got the fuck out?” Spike asked.

“Yeah,” Xander answered sadly. “Only not quite as neat as all that. I had issues with my… position in these trysts. I couldn’t take the fact that every derogatory name my father had ever used for homosexual now applied to me. Maybe it would have been different if I had been the one to, you know, take charge, but I wasn’t. I’m not.” Xander blushed slightly and Spike grinned.

“Nothing wrong with liking to bottom. I done it myself for decades under Angelus’s rule.”

Xander’s eyes widened and he got a far away look on his face before shaking himself out of that particular visual. “Yeah, well, anyway, that’s my explanation. I was a drunken asshole with identity issues. I used you, abused your friendship, and then come morning, I accused you of being everything that I was. I’m sorry, Spike. I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your friendship, but I’m asking for them anyway. Will you forgive me?”

Spike stayed silent for several minutes after Xander’s quietly spoken plea. It sounded like a reasonable explanation, and he could relate to using drink to ease loneliness and pain. It had taken several cases of Jack to get himself over Drusilla after all. The real question was, what happens the next time Xander gets a few drinks into him?

“You still a drinker, Xander?”

Xander shook his head. “Haven’t touched a drop since last Christmas. Not since the night we…”

“Shagged?” Spike supplied.

“Yeah,” Xander nodded. “Not since then. After you left, I took a long hard look at my life and what I’d become. I didn’t like it. Any of it. So I quit.” Xander grinned. “I quit drinking, I quit running all over the planet chasing down Slayers, I quit picking up random guys in bars, I just quit everything. I moved back to Watchers’ Headquarters for a while and got my shit together. Then I came back to the States, got a job with a local construction company, and now, here I am.”

Spike had to admit he was impressed. It sounded as though Xander had gotten his shit together. Only problem was, Spike wasn’t sure if he could be friends with him. Not when he wanted more.

“I forgive you, Xander,” Spike said quietly and Xander smiled in relief. “But,” Spike continued more seriously, “I don’t know if we can be friends.”

Xander’s face fell and he nodded his head understandingly. “I understand, Spike. I was a real shit to you and in your situation, I don’t know if I’d be willing to be friends with someone who’d treated me the way I treated you.”

Spike shook his head. “That’s not it, Xan. I… Last Christmas might have been just another one-off to you, but for me, it was something more. I don’t just go around shagging anyone. Not anymore. I wanted more than a shag from you, I thought you wanted the same. When you threw me out that morning, you hurt me. After Angelus, Drusilla, Harmony, hells, even Buffy, I thought you were different. I thought, after seeing the way you were with your Anya, that you were a decent bloke, that you wouldn’t just use me and cast me aside. Then you proved me wrong.”

“Spike, I -”

“Don’t. You made your apologies and gave your explanations; it’s my turn to speak. Now,” Spike said as he took his turn pacing the room, “I’m not saying that I love you, or that I was in love with you then. I’m just saying that I wanted - and do want - something more from you than friendship.”

At Xander’s hearty chuckle, Spike spun around, eyes narrowed in anger, his vampire face slipping to the fore. “Find this funny, do you?”

“No!” Xander smiled and shook his head. “It’s not funny at all. Spike, do you know how many guys I’ve been with since we were together?”

Not really wanting to hear the answer, Spike merely growled in response. Xander continued anyway.

“None. I’ve not been with anyone since you. I didn’t want to be with anyone after you.” Xander walked over to Spike and gently stroked one fingertip across Spike’s brow ridge until it faded away. “I wanted, and still want, more than friendship from you too, Spike. I think a part of me always has,” Xander said softly and then leaned in and pressed his lips to Spike’s.

~*~

Who deepened the kiss didn’t matter. Nor did it matter which of them led the other toward the bed. The only thing that did matter was that they were both where they wanted to be - had wanted to be for a year now.

Clothing was shed in haste, and limbs entangled as they fell into a passionate embrace. There were no words spoken as Spike used every trick he knew to have Xander writhing beneath his hands and lips and teeth and tongue.

Xander kept his eyes open as Spike’s hands and mouth mapped out his body. He didn’t want to close his eyes for fear that when he opened them, it would all disappear as it had so many times this past year as he’d woken from dreams of passion to a cold and empty bed.

Finally though, as Spike breached Xander’s body, sliding the length of himself into that hot tight sheath, groaning his pleasure at the long missed sensation, Xander could hold his tongue no longer. “Spike, oh God, Spike, I missed you.”

Spike covered Xander’s lips with his own and made several long, slow, strokes before pulling away to let the man beneath him breathe unhindered. He looked deep into those big brown eyes and felt like his heart had started to beat again. “I’ve missed you too, Xan. There’s been no one for me this past year either. I only wanted you.”

“Oh, God,” Xander breathed and pulled Spike’s mouth back to his own, kissing him fiercely.

The only words spoken after that were sharp exclamations of more, harder, and yes, oh my God, yes! And when Spike’s eyes changed from blue to amber, when his face contorted and his teeth lengthened, Xander turned his head to the side, baring his neck to his lover and with one hand behind Spike’s head, pulled him down until he felt the press of sharp fangs against his throat.

“Xan, are you sure?” Spike whispered against the silky smooth skin.

“Yes, yes please, Spike, please,” Xander breathed, as he applied pressure, trying to make those sharp ivory points sink deep into his flesh.

And as Spike gave into his plea, as he sunk his fangs into Xander’s throat, marking the man that he had wanted as his own for far too long, he thought that maybe a year wasn’t so long of a wait after all. Not if it ended like this.

Happy Holidays Everyone!