Ang Puno't Dulo ng Pag-ibig

Yukiko 1, 2

Dolce Vita 1, 2

Text Pal

A Sad Love Story

Regrets

Melodies of Life

Yukiko

For the next few months, we chatted everyday and each time I felt that I am slipping into this pit of angelic darkness called love. she told me she couldn't go out very often as her guardian is very strict - finally she is talking more about herself. Her parents are overseas working, leaving her all alone, which contribute reasons for her character. I know she longs for my company like I longs for hers. We are like one in-separate-able pair of best friend. Whatever problems she has, she consulted me and I will be there to give my expertise advice. Maybe this is what true love is, someone to be there regardless of whether you two are together - someone to guide, shield and depend. Jerry, the woman's men, said that I am wasting too much time on a single girl. I should have just pop the question and leave the thinking to her, after all life is too short to spend on one person. But the urge to reveal my feeling hasn't reached to such stage for desperation yet. Maybe next time I would, but when is the right time?

'Cloud. I have something to ask you.'
Oh no, not again?
'What do you think of me?.'
Oh ^!&#, peer evaluating time! Even though I speak easily to
myself, when it comes to expressing to HER, I am score an F9 for it.
'Cute? And you are a very good friend of mine.'
'That all?.'

What do you mean that's all? Oh dear, I have to say something that she wants to hear or forever I will be condemn in her eyes. Noooooooo...
I decide to avoid the question using my avoidance tactics.

'There is a lot of things in my heart that I feel about you, but in this short span of time, I can't express it out. But regardless of what is it, I want to let you know that treasure you a lot.'

Phew, lucky thing I manage to come out with this marvellous sentence. It seemed that after the episode of knowing her, I am beginning to learn the trades of using words. I didn't know how to reply her smile and decide to leave it until she reply me with something else. Five minutes went by and I am starting ponder whether I should reply anything.

'Cloud. can we meet for dinner tomorrow?'
Another date! Yeah I screamed literally at my computer scream as she is able to go out once more, with me.
'Sure! What about your guardian? She allows you to go out?'
'Yes, she allow me to go out tomorrow.'
'Ok. we meet at Mac at Parklane ok?'
'/me nodded her head.'
Ok I have to go offline now. remember don't be so early ok?. I feel bad if you have to wait for me.'

I smiled at her consideration for me.
Before I could reply with anything, her nick has quit IRC. Guess that I have to wait for tomorrow to see her again.

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I arrived early as usual, this time about 15 minutes earlier, waiting for her outside Macdonald patently. Reckoning about her sudden wanting to meet me suggested motives, that's what TV drama always show. Maybe she needed a large sum of money, borrow from me and then disappear into thin air. hiak. the effect of TOO much TV. again.

As I was busy throwing impossible scenarios into the pictures to cease my tension, she stood in front of me. As I looked up, I noticed her face is getting fairer and whiter to the extend of being pale, but nevertheless her sparkling eyes never loses its glow. Must be the effect of those skin whitening Japanese beauty product.

'Waited long?'
'Only about 5 minutes.'
My first lie I made to her. But it was for good cause.
We went into Mac and sat near the window seats, where we could look out towards the roadside.

'What do you want, I buy for you.'
You eat anything, I eat anything.'
I went to buy for her and decide upon Mac Nuggets Meal as she is a small eater. Less than an instant, 2 packets of large fries, 2 large coke and two boxes of 6-pieces nugget was on the tray as I carried them. Somehow, I noticed that she was looking at me with such mesmerizing effect that I nearly unbalanced myself.

'Cloud. why are you so good to me?.'
Good? What you mean good? You mean you want me to trick you to bed and after that meet about for sessions like this? Thinking back, only ******* guys would do that and being a good guy, I shall uphold my reputation.
What you mean?'
'Before those day when you wanted to know me, I was actually getting a little irritated when you stalked me.'
'Oh really?. I must have seen like a pervert or something to you right?.'

She giggled out of a sudden and I wondered what she meant. But then again. till now, I realize that you are different from other guys that wanted to know me.'

What? There are other idiots doing the same thing too? Oh well, I am NOT surprised, considering her lovable nature and attractiveness.
'You are my best friend and appreciated it. and must be fated that will know each other right?'

Fate again. Why must woman always bring up the topic of fate everytime when it comes to relation of any kind? I nodded my head a little. She seemed a little solemn today and I reckoned that if there is anything I could give in to her, I should give in. I tried to cheer her up a little as the topic she started were on the emotional side. I spoke some joke and she giggled a little as we continue to our meals. Sometimes I feel that she is the only person in the world that appreciate what I am doing - be it stupid, silly, cute, dumb or whatever $@%!. It is not much, but she always responded.

We finished our meals and were playing with our straws like little kids. As we had our little 'fighting', I looked into her eyes and her eyes seemed to tell me that she may have gone through a lot of in during these period. I don't know what was the problem may be, but all my mind was telling me was to make her happy - simple and sincere.

'Can we go somewhere where I could see the sea?'
We took a taxi down to Marina Bay. Reached in while moment, we got out and walked close to the shores where the waves roar in protest from the raging winds. The sky is densely clouded and the breezes is strong, but just nice enough for comfort. We sat down side by side and watched the waves continual sweeping up the shores.

Suddenly she position and lean herself on my back with her head facing up, looking at the nightly sky. I told myself never would I forget such day. The first intimate bodily contact I had with a girl back to back, just like two hearts melted in one. We spoke nothing, just revelling in nature's enjoyment.

The sky is beautiful right?.'
I looked at the sky and to me, it appeared as if it's going to rain soon. Then she stopped leaning on me, and looked into me. As if a soldier going for war, my gaze never left hers - I have decide not to avoid it. We studied each other gaze for a moment and after what seemed like eternity, I could see a layer of wetness in her eyes.

'Cloud. would you remember me?.'
Actually I was wondering why she sobbed, but it seemed that maybe she wants to bring out something to tell me and I suspect it is nothing good. I nodded my head to her question and her gaze move onto the rough sea.

'Why? I will never forget you. is there something wrong?'
She kept quiet, rolling her vision between the sea and the sky before looking down...
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I. have to go back Japan.'
Like a prick on bubbles, an internal implosion occurred within me.
Don't tell me all the fantasy I am having is coming to an end? If this was a dream, I pray that I will never wake up from it.
'I understand. your parents are over there and they worried for
you.'

Even though I am fighting inside, I had to put on a brave front. Well, she isn't my girlfriend or something, I can't demand her not to leave. Girls of her age needs their parents to be with them more than friends.

'Will you come and visit me if I ask you to?.'
'Yes of course! I will!. Can we still contact through IRC?'
I was hoping for a small miracle, its nothing much, but at least I could still talk to her online.
'I don't think I have computer or internet connection at my house.'
The atmosphere is getting intense and to make matter worst, the I could feel a drop of water falling on my skin.

Then. its ok. we could chat on the phone whenever we can and I think we better leave now, it's going to rain.'
We both got up and walked hastily towards the road in trying to catch a cab, but halfway through, the merciless weather started pouring heavily. Even though I just had a shock from what she had just told me, in the present moment, in my mind, all I thought of is to shield her from the chilling rain as I didn't want her to fall sick. My hands formed a tiny, little barrier and covers her head. It is **** dumb and I don't understand why am I doing such acts - it won't block the rain from drenching her.

Then, I saw a coming taxi driving and I flagged it.
'You are so silly Cloud.'
The next thing I knew, we were in the cab pretty drenched. I told the uncle to reduce the air-con to the lowest and put my arms around her shoulder, rubbing her arms to gain some heat. Gradually, for some reasons, she was in my embrace and I was stroking her soaked hair. Her eyes were kept closed and my fingers travelled to her cheeks. Pinching lightly to fulfil my long awaited-desire, she
opened her eyes, like an awaken baby in the morning. My index finger teased her dimples a little as she felt tickled and ruffled her head in between my arms and chest.

All good things must come to an end - the cab reached her place and lucky thing, there was shelter to her house. I told the uncle to wait for a while and got out of the cab with her.

'When are you leaving then.?'
'Tomorrow.'
Tomorrow? Did I just hear wrongly? What's the rush? Sometimes, reality is extremely cruel - heaven makes sport of men.
I am suppose to tell you earlier, but I can't bear to.'
She is right. If she told me earlier, my feelings would be just like dying patients with the last stage of cancer - waiting for THAT day. It's terrible!

Would you see me off?.'
In my heart, there is this robust urge of seeing her every second, but if I were to see her off, the scene would be unimaginable. My mind and soul won't be able to endure the parting scene.

I think, we should just keep this the last meeting then.'
I actually managed to smile and kept this mask of mine, this brave front indestructible. It remains on my face emotionlessly and dead. Well. perhaps it's better if we keep it this way. By the count of three, we both just walk off to our destination and never look back ok?

She nodded and I could see her tears closed to spilling out.
'3.2.1.'
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Boy ar, come, drink this.'
It was close to my June examination and my mum knocked and came into my room, bringing me the usual examination brain tonic - Chicken Essence. I gulped down the entire bottle and sat by my study table in my room. Working through last year papers has driven me to the pinnacle of madness. I looked out of my room's window and thought of Yukiko, again.

It has been a few months since I last saw or heard from her. After the scene at her estate and we promise not to look back at each other, I never turn back to even have my last glance. I feel that I already had my last glance when I spoke my last words to her. As I depart, I controlled myself emotionally and force my tears back to its origin. For a guy's image, I can't allow such feelings to overpower me.

I went online that day and see if she was there using another nick, but no she wasn't. I know it already passed midnight, but I finally succumb to my inner self and wanted to make sure I won't think back and regret on the fact that I never check whether she was online that day.

I don't know why she never contacts me since then, but I know she has her reasons. Maybe she lost my number over there, maybe she is busy adapting to her new life. or maybe she has forgotten me? No can't be! How can that be? How can the scenarios that have been taken place be so easily forgotten? The day I knew her, our chats, the movie, dinner, straws fighting, the beach, the unexpected rain, the cuddle and every other tiny little details. Is this piece of
dreamland meant to be only a dream?

Tomorrow is the beginning of my exam. I rubbed my eyes a little and stretched, telling myself not to ponder over past issues as it may affect my exam performance. I went back to my books and paper and continue began working on it.
Boy ar! Your phone!'

My phone? At such hours of the night?
'Hello?.'
There was no respond, but somehow I had this feeling that it was her.
Yukiko?? Is that you?'
I was praying and gripping the phone hard, hoping that a miracle
could happen.

'How. how you know it was me?.'
I smart what! Hey! I never hear from you SO LONG!'
I emphasised on the words 'So long' as if I had never heard anything from her for few decades. The first thing I did was to told her to hang on for a moment and screamed at the top of my voice, literally. My happiness could not contain inside me and I need to release it. Then I scolded her, in gentle tone, for not
contacting me and making me so worried for her.

'Sorry. I can't use the phone here for very long too.'
Actually, I don't mind the duration of her calls - I just wanted to hear her voice so badly.
'Miss me?.'
'For making me worried and missing you so badly, you shall treat me movie the next time I see you.'

I used the same trick again. HAHAHA!
We spoke on the phone and talked like old friends and the pressing examination stress seemed to have vanished. I was hoping in my heart that time will freeze so that we could chat till the end of time.

Cloud. remember that day when I ask you if you would visit me in Japan and you said you would.?'
'Yes? You want me to go over? Ok sure, tell me your address. I will go over right after my examination next sat.'
Next sat?. examination?. that is when?'
Maybe 28 May or slightly later.Yeah. tell me your address?.'
I jolted down her contacts in Japan and kiss it.
'Cloud. I got to go already. can't talk anymore. Before I put down, is there anything you want to tell me?.'
Take lots of care ok? I can't wait to see you soon!'
You put down first Cloud. I don't want you to see me hang up on you.'

With that a heavy heart our conversation ended as I put the phone down. In preparation for the coming trip to Japan, I hurried my revision, determined to do well so that I could psycho my mum to pay for my trip. I thank you God for giving me this chance!!
HOORAY!

*Days passed*
Finally I am close to finishing my examination - today is the last paper. I was home, like all other days, doing my revision. My mum says that if I do finish this examination, she would pay for my tickets, provided I give her my words that my results will be good when it is out. Regardless. I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE! I want to see her so badly and life has been good to me, even though little setbacks filled along the way, but I love the surprises Cupid has in store for me.

From morning till night, I have been studying non-stop, although my mind wandered on the thought of seeing her again. For the sake of going over, everything is worth it. Then, in amidst of studying, my mum calls for me and I guess it must be regarding the trip over. Hehz. Yeah I will see her soon!
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'Boy ar. a letter for you.'

Huh? A letter for me? I had never receive a letter addressed to me before. I examined the envelope and it wrote ' To Cloud' on the front. Curiously, I tear opened and a letter fell out.
Dear Cloud,

Before I began, I apologise for not telling you everything about myself. In this world, if there is one person I wouldn't want to see crying - it would have been you.

I wrote this letter on the night when we parted and promise not to look back. Actually I broke the promise; I did looked back, because I feared that I may not have the chance to see you again this lifetime. I know you are putting on a brave front because as a woman I could cry and I know you would be there to console me, but someone has to be the stronger one to console and reassure right?

The reasons why I have to go back to Japan is because I am suffering from a rare case of a blood cancer that may claim my life very soon if it is not treated. My parents wants me to go back to take a major operation there because if this operation were to fail, I would disappear from the surface of the world and they wants to be with me during this period, that's why I ask you if you
would come to visit me if I ask you to.

The success rate of this operation is only 30% and anything could happen. So I want to tell you that I appreciate your company, your advices, everything you did or said. I giggled to myself every night after we chatted online and I began to ask myself if I fell in love with you. I guess I did, although you never express yourself to me. Perhaps it is just one sided, but no wrong liking you what right?

You told me you rather wait for the special one, and I told you I will also wait for mine. During the time when I was cuddling in you, I knew that you are the one. I hope that the cab could drive slower because I may not get the chance to cuddle in you again. You may find a girlfriend by then, or I am already in heaven watching over you.

My operation begins on 24 May and I will call you maybe a week plus before to fulfil the promise you said you would come over and visit me in Japan. By then you would know the truth and I could see you for the last time, at least.

But then again, if you receive this letter through mail send by my guardian, it means that I am already gone, leaving my physical body, leaving my suffering and of course, leaving this world. But do not despair, as I will always be around you, shielding you like what you did, in vain, to protect me from the rain today. You said you are not romantic at all, but to me, you are the best a guy could be.

I am feeling a little tired writing this letter, but I am determine to finish what I had to say. If there is one thing final question I want you to ask me, it would be you asking me whether if I like good-looking guys. No, I don't like them because I like guys like YOU - unique and extraordinary, just like Rosemary in the movie we watched together. This distinct character could only be found in you and I want you to kept it that way for I like the way you are,
not the way you looked.

I love you, Cloud. very much.
Yukiko

Tears I have been fighting back, at this time broke from my resistance barrier and roll down my cheek as I saw the date today - 27 May. I was rooted to the ground, totally defeated, lying at the mercy of my ill-fated destiny. I clutched my head tightly as trains of disillusioned thoughts sinks into my mind. Why DIDN'T I LEFT Singapore to Japan? I should have hack care about my examination to be with her, her final days. I should not have delay the trip over. I should not.

Decisions, most of the times, have cruel consequences regardless of which options I chose. I was at the verge of mental breakdown, totally confused and helpless, like a baby in crossfire, weeping silently to myself for the tears I owe her and for the lack of courage to express my feeling. She was waiting for me to pop the question! And I never did! I should have fuc-king listen to Jerry. At the very least, I could let her know HOW MUCH she meant to me and how much I loved her.

I knew something is happening to me.
I was crying.

As expected, my results were good. Since that day, I never spoke much because I was hurt, disappointed and regretted beyond words. I sat at the bus stop where I first saw her and every scene replay itself in my mind, like a drama. I recalled that she still owe me a movie treat - although this could never happen and thinking of it, made me sink deeper into this whirlpool of depression.

Clutching tightly onto the heart origami that she made, I waited for the bus and soon, it arrived.
I took it and realise that it was the same bus driver again.
'Eh boy ar. why your girlfriend not with you ar?.'
I smiled at him and pointed to my heart.
'Nope! She is with me. all the time.'