Yukiko For the next few months, we chatted everyday and each time I felt that I am slipping into this pit of angelic darkness called love. she told me she couldn't go out very often as her guardian is very strict - finally she is talking more about herself. Her parents are overseas working, leaving her all alone, which contribute reasons for her character. I know she longs for my company like I longs for hers. We are like one in-separate-able pair of best friend. Whatever problems she has, she consulted me and I will be there to give my expertise advice. Maybe this is what true love is, someone to be there regardless of whether you two are together - someone to guide, shield and depend. Jerry, the woman's men, said that I am wasting too much time on a single girl. I should have just pop the question and leave the thinking to her, after all life is too short to spend on one person. But the urge to reveal my feeling hasn't reached to such stage for desperation yet. Maybe next time I would, but when is the right time? 'Cloud. I have something to ask
you.' What do you mean that's all? Oh
dear, I have to say something that she wants to hear or forever I will
be condemn in her eyes. Noooooooo... 'There is a lot of things in my heart that I feel about you, but in this short span of time, I can't express it out. But regardless of what is it, I want to let you know that treasure you a lot.' Phew, lucky thing I manage to come out with this marvellous sentence. It seemed that after the episode of knowing her, I am beginning to learn the trades of using words. I didn't know how to reply her smile and decide to leave it until she reply me with something else. Five minutes went by and I am starting ponder whether I should reply anything. 'Cloud. can we meet for dinner tomorrow?'
I smiled at her consideration for
me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I was busy throwing impossible scenarios into the pictures to cease my tension, she stood in front of me. As I looked up, I noticed her face is getting fairer and whiter to the extend of being pale, but nevertheless her sparkling eyes never loses its glow. Must be the effect of those skin whitening Japanese beauty product. 'Waited long?' 'What do you want, I buy for you.'
'Cloud. why are you so good to me?.'
She giggled out of a sudden and I wondered what she meant. But then again. till now, I realize that you are different from other guys that wanted to know me.' What? There are other idiots doing
the same thing too? Oh well, I am NOT surprised, considering her lovable
nature and attractiveness. Fate again. Why must woman always bring up the topic of fate everytime when it comes to relation of any kind? I nodded my head a little. She seemed a little solemn today and I reckoned that if there is anything I could give in to her, I should give in. I tried to cheer her up a little as the topic she started were on the emotional side. I spoke some joke and she giggled a little as we continue to our meals. Sometimes I feel that she is the only person in the world that appreciate what I am doing - be it stupid, silly, cute, dumb or whatever $@%!. It is not much, but she always responded. We finished our meals and were playing with our straws like little kids. As we had our little 'fighting', I looked into her eyes and her eyes seemed to tell me that she may have gone through a lot of in during these period. I don't know what was the problem may be, but all my mind was telling me was to make her happy - simple and sincere. 'Can we go somewhere where I could
see the sea?' Suddenly she position and lean herself on my back with her head facing up, looking at the nightly sky. I told myself never would I forget such day. The first intimate bodily contact I had with a girl back to back, just like two hearts melted in one. We spoke nothing, just revelling in nature's enjoyment. The sky is beautiful right?.' 'Cloud. would you remember me?.'
I. have to go back Japan.' Even though I am fighting inside, I had to put on a brave front. Well, she isn't my girlfriend or something, I can't demand her not to leave. Girls of her age needs their parents to be with them more than friends. 'Will you come and visit me if I
ask you to?.' Then. its ok. we could chat on the
phone whenever we can and I think we better leave now, it's going to rain.'
Then, I saw a coming taxi driving
and I flagged it. All good things must come to an end - the cab reached her place and lucky thing, there was shelter to her house. I told the uncle to wait for a while and got out of the cab with her. 'When are you leaving then.?' Would you see me off?.' I think, we should just keep this
the last meeting then.' She nodded and I could see her tears
closed to spilling out. It has been a few months since I
last saw or heard from her. After the scene at her estate and we promise
not to look back at each other, I never turn back to even have my last
glance. I feel that I already had my last glance when I spoke my last
words to her. As I depart, I controlled myself emotionally and force my
tears back to its origin. For a guy's image, I can't allow such feelings
to overpower me. I don't know why she never contacts
me since then, but I know she has her reasons. Maybe she lost my number
over there, maybe she is busy adapting to her new life. or maybe she has
forgotten me? No can't be! How can that be? How can the scenarios that
have been taken place be so easily forgotten? The day I knew her, our
chats, the movie, dinner, straws fighting, the beach, the unexpected rain,
the cuddle and every other tiny little details. Is this piece of Tomorrow is the beginning of my
exam. I rubbed my eyes a little and stretched, telling myself not to ponder
over past issues as it may affect my exam performance. I went back to
my books and paper and continue began working on it. My phone? At such hours of the night?
'How. how you know it was me?.'
'Sorry. I can't use the phone here
for very long too.' I used the same trick again. HAHAHA!
Cloud. remember that day when I
ask you if you would visit me in Japan and you said you would.?' With that a heavy heart our conversation
ended as I put the phone down. In preparation for the coming trip to Japan,
I hurried my revision, determined to do well so that I could psycho my
mum to pay for my trip. I thank you God for giving me this chance!! *Days passed* From morning till night, I have
been studying non-stop, although my mind wandered on the thought of seeing
her again. For the sake of going over, everything is worth it. Then, in
amidst of studying, my mum calls for me and I guess it must be regarding
the trip over. Hehz. Yeah I will see her soon! Huh? A letter for me? I had never
receive a letter addressed to me before. I examined the envelope and it
wrote ' To Cloud' on the front. Curiously, I tear opened and a letter
fell out. Before I began, I apologise for not telling you everything about myself. In this world, if there is one person I wouldn't want to see crying - it would have been you. I wrote this letter on the night when we parted and promise not to look back. Actually I broke the promise; I did looked back, because I feared that I may not have the chance to see you again this lifetime. I know you are putting on a brave front because as a woman I could cry and I know you would be there to console me, but someone has to be the stronger one to console and reassure right? The reasons why I have to go back
to Japan is because I am suffering from a rare case of a blood cancer
that may claim my life very soon if it is not treated. My parents wants
me to go back to take a major operation there because if this operation
were to fail, I would disappear from the surface of the world and they
wants to be with me during this period, that's why I ask you if you The success rate of this operation is only 30% and anything could happen. So I want to tell you that I appreciate your company, your advices, everything you did or said. I giggled to myself every night after we chatted online and I began to ask myself if I fell in love with you. I guess I did, although you never express yourself to me. Perhaps it is just one sided, but no wrong liking you what right? You told me you rather wait for the special one, and I told you I will also wait for mine. During the time when I was cuddling in you, I knew that you are the one. I hope that the cab could drive slower because I may not get the chance to cuddle in you again. You may find a girlfriend by then, or I am already in heaven watching over you. My operation begins on 24 May and I will call you maybe a week plus before to fulfil the promise you said you would come over and visit me in Japan. By then you would know the truth and I could see you for the last time, at least. But then again, if you receive this letter through mail send by my guardian, it means that I am already gone, leaving my physical body, leaving my suffering and of course, leaving this world. But do not despair, as I will always be around you, shielding you like what you did, in vain, to protect me from the rain today. You said you are not romantic at all, but to me, you are the best a guy could be. I am feeling a little tired writing
this letter, but I am determine to finish what I had to say. If there
is one thing final question I want you to ask me, it would be you asking
me whether if I like good-looking guys. No, I don't like them because
I like guys like YOU - unique and extraordinary, just like Rosemary in
the movie we watched together. This distinct character could only be found
in you and I want you to kept it that way for I like the way you are,
I love you, Cloud. very much. Tears I have been fighting back, at this time broke from my resistance barrier and roll down my cheek as I saw the date today - 27 May. I was rooted to the ground, totally defeated, lying at the mercy of my ill-fated destiny. I clutched my head tightly as trains of disillusioned thoughts sinks into my mind. Why DIDN'T I LEFT Singapore to Japan? I should have hack care about my examination to be with her, her final days. I should not have delay the trip over. I should not. Decisions, most of the times, have
cruel consequences regardless of which options I chose. I was at the verge
of mental breakdown, totally confused and helpless, like a baby in crossfire,
weeping silently to myself for the tears I owe her and for the lack of
courage to express my feeling. She was waiting for me to pop the question!
And I never did! I should have fuc-king listen to Jerry. At the very least,
I could let her know HOW MUCH she meant to me and how much I loved her.
Clutching tightly onto the heart
origami that she made, I waited for the bus and soon, it arrived.
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