Disclaimer: It may come as a surprise but I'm not Joss Whedon or Mutant Enemy and therefore I do not own Spike or any of his many shagging and verbal sparring partners. I weep for the injustice of it all and play with these characters in the fiction I write because this is pretty much all the fun I have.

Heh, the title has intrigued you, no? So, umm, you need a sense of humour to read this. It has...ummm well...stuff to do with the ass. Read some journal entries a while back about bodily functions and, well, lmao...this happened. You might cringe when you read some of it but...I think it's funny. Of course, I have a sick sense of humour that some people don't get...
Anyhoo.

Beta'd by kitty_poker1 and she didn't even hemorrhage from her eyeballs or anything.

Stay Away From my Ass!

by
Eyezrthewindows

Xander unsuccessfully held back a girly shriek when arms wrapped around his waist and a hard body pressed up against the back of his own.

"Spike!" He trembled as the sneaky vampire nuzzled his neck, licking the racing pulse point he'd found. "Don't do that, you bastard."

"Vampire," the blond mumbled around hot Xander skin he didn't want to relinquish. His hands roved Xander's body and, while one plucked at a sensitive nipple, the other went south to the front of Xander's jeans. He squeezed the cock he found, hand rubbing through thick denim, riling things up in there.

"Why don't you give yourself a break, luv? You've been doing housework all bloody day."

Xander squeezed the dish he held in his hands hard, then it slipped from his wet fingers and fell back into the suds with a muffled thud. He melted against Spike, allowing the vampire to suck on the sensitive spot behind his ear for a while before he tensed and held himself stiffly in Spike's embrace.

"Spike, I have stuff to do. I can't take a break right now. Have to get all this done because I want to be able to enjoy the rest of my weekend. Now, go away and let me wash my dishes. Unless...you want to help so it can be done faster? You don't have to lounge in front of the tv all day being a lazy-assed bastard, you know."

Spike growled and let go of Xander. He went to the fridge and got a beer, which he opened and sipped while he watched the boy resume cleaning the dishes. "You know," he suddenly purred, putting down the bottle and sidling back to Xander's body. He pressed himself up tight against the boy's backside and rotated his hips. He grabbed Xander's ass and squeezed it, watching his fingers cup handfuls of taut muscle. "You can keep doing that and I can just bugger you right here. Can be a new kink. Housework in the midst of a good, hard rogering. How about it, pet?"

Xander shuddered, but moved his ass away from Spike's seeking erection and clingy hands. He rinsed his hands off and firmly pushed the vampire away as he turned around to face him. He crossed his arms and glared. "I don't think so. I'm not in the mood. Keep your hands off my ass."

"Thought you liked my hands on your ass. My cock in your ass." Spike quirked an eyebrow and lowered his gaze to the tented front of Xander's jeans. "And that says otherwise, luv. You want it. I know you do."

Xander flushed and lowered his hands to cover the evidence of his arousal. "So? Just because my dick's hard doesn't mean I want to have sex with you, Spike. It has a mind of its own. Thinks by itself. Gets me in trouble. I don't have time for a fuck and I don't want to listen to my dick right now, okay? Just leave me and it alone and keep away from my ass because we don't want you right now!"

"That makes no bloody sense!" Spike said, exasperatedly. He threw up his hands. "You make no sense!"

"Fuck you, Spike!" Xander snarled, shoving past the vampire and heading toward the bathroom with a stiff-legged gait.

Spike grabbed one of Xander's biceps and jerked him hard into his body. "Yes! Fuck me!"

"Ugh!" Xander struggled and finally won his freedom when Spike's chip went off. He felt mildly bad about causing his lover pain but he was too pissed at the moment to really care. He slammed into the bathroom and locked the door, leaning against it breathing hard once he'd calmed himself a little.

Spike growled and pounded on the very door Xander was pressed against once he'd recovered a little from his slight headache. "What's wrong with you?"

"It's nothing, Spike, okay?" he murmured softly, embarrassment washing over him as he sank down to sit on the floor. "Just leave it, please. Just stay away from me and my ass."

Spike forced down his anger and rubbed at his still aching head thoughtfully. He stared at the door a moment before he sighed and went to the sofa to lay down, slinging an arm across his pain-sensitised eyes.

"You can talk to me about anything, pet," he said, just loud enough for Xander to hear him through the door.

That made Xander feel even worse, but he didn't leave the sanctuary of the bathroom.

When he finally did leave it, he noticed Spike had finished the dishes for him and had put them away. He felt a twinge of guilt for treating Spike badly but the vampire hadn't wanted to take no for an answer and it had pissed him off.

Sometimes, his lover didn't know when to quit, how to accept 'no' as an answer. 'No', to Spike, was a maybe leaning toward yes and all the vampire had to do was persuade the answer to be a 'yes'.

He went over to the couch where Spike was reclined watching tv, and gingerly sat down beside him. For a long time neither spoke but he could feel the vampire's weighty gaze on him more than once.

He sighed. "What is it, Spike?"

Spike pursed his lips and finished off the beer he'd had resting between his legs. He set the empty bottle on the coffee table and then settled back into the couch cushions. He draped his forearms over his thighs and sat with his hands framing his crotch-- his default slouching pose, a pose that was sure to get Xander's motor running and the bastard knew it.

"I'd like to know what's up your ass? You're acting buggering nuts. More than usual, anyway."

Xander winced at his phrasing, fidgeting beside his lover. "Nothing's...umm...wrong, Spike. Just leave me alone." He scrunched up in the opposite corner of the couch.

Spike sneered and closed the distance Xander had put between them. He braced himself on his forearms over Xander, pressing his erection into Xander's hip bone. "Tell me," he hissed, face a mere inch from the boy's, eyes intent, stoic and serious for once.

Xander's eyes narrowed and he pushed ineffectually at Spike's shoulders, then slumped when that didn't work. "Fuck off."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Pet, you can tell me anything, remember? I love you. We're in this together. Blah blah fucking blah."

Xander took a deep breath and something in his expression really got to Spike because the vampire frowned and sat back, allowing Xander to push away and try to collect himself.

The boy ran both hands through his hair and propped his elbows on his knees, not looking at Spike. "I really don't think you want to hear this, Spike. I've been trying to spare you but you're....you're horny all the time and it's impossible! Hiding things from you isn't easy. You're just too nosy a bastard."

Spike's lips thinned. He put his arm around the boy's bowed shoulders. "Just say it."

Xander sighed, shut his eyes and plowed onward. "Remember a few days ago when I came home from work limping and generally whining about how much pain I was in?"

"Yeah..."

"I sorta hurt myself and..."

"I know that, pet. Rubbed your back with that poufy lotion you like so much."

"Yeah, but the pain didn't stop with my back ache, Spike. I, umm...well, the day after that...you know how I didn't want you to fuck me and I did you instead?"

Spike's eyes glazed over as he remembered that day, the day of many orgasms and plunderings of his own ass by Xander's cock. "Ooh, yes, pet. I remember that day fondly. Speaking of ..." He pushed Xander back against the couch and straddled his lap.

He began to kiss Xander and both forgot all about what Xander was trying to tell Spike.

Spike drew open the front of Xander's pants, pulled off all his own clothes and then deep-throated Xander's cock to slick him up. He quickly impaled himself and rode Xander into oblivion.

Xander's hips rose and met each of Spike's thrusts, hands clenched tight on the vampire's slim hips.

He came before Spike did, mouth falling open in a silent scream.

Spike jerked himself off and climaxed all over the front of Xander's shirt. He collapsed in the puddle of cum and nuzzled his face into Xander's damp neck.

Xander's cum began to leak out of Spike's ass and soon there was a puddle in Xander's lap and on the couch cushion beneath him.

He grimaced. "Eww."

"Hush, luv, spoiling the after glow."

Xander grinned slightly and wrapped his arms around the replete vampire, who snuggled into his embrace.

Fifteen minutes later, Spike and Xander were redressed and Xander was trying to pretend the conversation they'd begun before the really hot sex hadn't occurred.

Spike, on the other hand, had slinked over to the other end of the sofa and had slung his feet into Xander's still tingling lap. He had one arm behind his head and the other had confiscated the remote. His feet were grinding into Xander's sensitive groin, trying to distract him into unknowingly spilling his secrets.

That had worked too many times for Xander to be comfortable with and he knew it would likely work this time as well. Spike was the expert manipulator.

"So, pet, what was that you were saying before you buggered me?"

"Umm...no idea what you're talking about, Spike -- oh, look, it's Spongebob!"

Spike quickly turned the channel and his eyes moved from the tv to Xander's uneasy face. "Xander."

Xander sighed. "Do I have to?" he whined. "Can't we just pretend I never started talking? I can blow you if you want..."

Though Spike was sorely tempted to take his boy up on that very attractive offer, he couldn't. He had to know what was bothering his pet because it was affecting both of them in a very negative way.

He wanted to fuck Xander and Xander wouldn't let him! He'd call that an unusually cruel kind of negative.

"No. Talk. Now."

Xander pouted, shoved Spike's feet off his lap and stood. He went into the kitchen and got himself a beer but didn't return to the couch. He didn't look at Spike as the vampire followed him. "So, after my back felt better...I sorta felt weird...down there. I took a shower and afterward I bent over and looked at my ass in the mirror. I spread my cheeks and--Spike! Quit being perverted! This isn't a sexy story!"

Spike blinked, adjusted his newly formed erection and affected an innocent expression that didn't quite cover the lusty gleam in his eyes. "Sorry. Go on, pet."

"I have a hemorrhoid, Spike! I lifted something too heavy at work and I have freaking piles! I'm too young to have those! I had to use hemorrhoidal cream and suppositories! God, it's so embarrassing! And it hurts!"

Spike recoiled, instantly losing his erection. He moved closer to Xander, hesitantly. "You have piles, pet? Don't they have creams that work in just a few uses?"

Xander's face flushed with embarrassment and his hand tightened around the neck of his sweating beer. He couldn't look Spike in the eye. "Yes, dammit. I've been using it, but -- yes, there's a but other than mine -- but, that's not the end of it. Because of the hemorrhoid I haven't...umm...been able to umm..."

Spike moved closer and took Xander's beer from him. He drank it in one big gulp and slammed it down on the counter. He took Xander in his arms and hugged him, cupping his hands over Xander's poor, tortured ass. "What is it, pet?"

"Well, the, umm...hemorrhoid thingy's nearly gone but...umm...because of it I couldn't go to the bathroom and now I'm constipated! I haven't crapped in five days and it's starting to feel weird down there! I think I'm going to have to go buy some constipation medicine or something."

Spike used his vampiric gifts to their fullest. He pulled away from Xander, immediately dropping his hands from the boy's ass, and gawped at him from the five feet he'd put between them.

His features warred between being horrified and repulsed and sympathetic toward Xander's plight.

"You..."

"Yes, I'm full up, Spike! No room in my ass for anything right now, least of all your massive schlong! So don't even think about fucking me because it ain't gonna happen! Sore and full of crap. This really sucks. God, I hate my life, this is so embarrassing." He turned away and leaned against the sink, staring blankly down at the garbage disposal.

Spike swallowed dryly. Then went to the cabinet to Xander's right for something stronger than beer. He pulled out a bottle of whisky and started drinking directly from it. After a few swallows, his eyes fell to Xander's ass.

It looked so innocuous and pert and firm and, damn, he was getting hard again, despite what the boy had told him. He drank some more alcohol and removed his gaze from Xander's backside. "Erm...how long you figure this'll...be an issue?"

Xander snorted, hands tightening on the metal lip of the sink he'd grabbed onto. "No idea. The thought of taking something inside me right now is very unappealing. I think I need to go to the store and...get some stuff and then I'll...have to perform surgery on myself. You might wanna go out and kill stuff for an indeterminate amount of time."

"Yeah, no problem." Spike finished the entire bottle, wishing he had more. He tossed it in the trash and went to stand uncertainly beside the flushed boy. He touched him lightly on the shoulder and nowhere else. "If you need help..."

"Oh, God, no!" Xander exploded, pushing away from the sink and Spike. "Don't even say shit like that. It's disgusting. Makes me feel even more disgusting. God!" He grabbed his keys, his wallet and his jacket and stalked to the door. "I'm going to...umm....yeah. You might wanna be gone when I get back because this is something I've gotta do on my own."

Spike frowned, shoving his hands into his jeans' pockets. "All right, pet."

Xander left, slamming the door behind him and Spike immediately went to put on his duster and boots. He left before the sun set, taking his chances in the sewer to leave the apartment; he made sure to take his time with the patrolling.

Xander, meanwhile, was in hell at the supermarket. There was a whole aisle dedicated to embarrassing bodily functions and he had no idea what to get. There were blue boxes, red boxes, pink boxes, white boxes, aqua bottles, striped boxes...it was enough to make him want to just go ahead and commit suicide to put himself out of his misery.

A little old man shuffled along behind a half-filled basket full of vegetables and fiber-enriched foods -- all generic and the cheapest available, most likely because it was all he could afford. Xander pretended he didn't see him, head falling forward so his hair would cover part of his flaming face.

When the man didn't leave, Xander's face heated even more but he didn't dare look up.

Why the hell didn't the little old guy leave?

"You need some help? Whatcha need? Hemorrhoid remedies or constipation medicine? You're standing in front of both..."

Xander. Wanted. To. Die.

He cupped his hand over his burning face. "U-uh...I..." He was near tears but...well, if the little man wanted to help him...well, he really needed help! "Um...both. I-I don't know what to get. I've never, umm...been in this situation before. It's kind of embarrassing."

He couldn't believe he was talking to a total stranger about his ass problems.

The old man smiled kindly, showing off extremely straight, white false teeth in a wrinkled face. "I was in your shoes once upon a time only I didn't get no help and...well, it was a messy thing but you gotta start somewhere if you ain't got any help. Don't be embarrassed, kiddo, it's all part of life." The old man shuffled up to him and peered over his glasses at different boxes and brands. He pointed a gnarled finger. "I'd suggest you get the Preparation H suppositories, Tucks medicated pads for the soreness and the Ex-lax pills. Those work wonders on an abused butt hole. Though, you mightn't want to take the two pill dosage the box says. Those'll make you sick; horrible cramps and nausea are only some of the side effects. Just the one'll be good enough."

"U-uh. Th-thanks, sir."

Xander wished the earth would open up and swallow him.

He got what the old man recommended, plus an enema kit and some extra soft toilet paper with aloe.

He nearly died of embarrassment paying for all of the stuff -- the young cashier smirked at him the entire time he was ringing up and bagging the stuff, clearly not believing that it was for his old house-confined grandfather -- but got home relatively unscathed, the paper bag of items sitting innocuously on the passenger seat beside him mocking him silently.

When he got back to his apartment, he called for his lover and with a relieved sigh discovered Spike had actually done what he'd asked.

He was very grateful for that.

He took one of the pills and then removed all of his clothing so he could take a soothing, hot shower.

He was tense and needed to relax. It would take hours for the pill to work and he already felt dirty.

The pill worked in half the time it said it would on the box and he nearly screamed when his sore ass grew even more so as it stretched to its limit and tore.

He soaked himself in a hot bath, taking care to sit on one cheek, and then administered the enema to make sure everything was...all cleaned out in there, then the Tucks. The soft toilet paper was a blessing and by the time he was finished with everything it was four a.m.. He was exhausted, his ass was so sore he couldn't even touch it and the sun would rise within the hour.

Spike came in tentatively to find Xander in bed on his side, knees drawn up to his chest, pillow between them to keep pressure off his ass.

He stripped, then crawled into bed and pressed himself up behind the sleeping boy, gently kissing him on one t-shirt covered shoulder.

Xander awoke with a start and a whimper, scooting across the bed to get away from Spike. He lost his pillow in the process. "Ow!"

Spike's eyes widened, wincing with sympathy. "What's wrong, pet? Are you okay? Did, er," he looked sheepish, "everything come out all right?"

Xander leaned on one ass cheek, careful not to put pressure on his anus. He glared at Spike. "How dare you ask me that, Spike? You don't know what hell I've been through tonight. God, my ass hurts. I'm tired. I could've killed myself because of the embarrassing crap that happened to me in Wal-Mart earlier. And you're an insensitive prick! You're lucky you died over a hundred years ago and don't have to deal with all this...umm...stuff."

Spike held up his hands placatingly. "Now, now, luv, don't let's get all upset over it. I'm sorry. Didn't know you were all...tender down there. Don't worry, I won't touch you. Just settle down and let's have a kip, yeah? Just want to cuddle with my honey."

Xander stared at the vampire suspiciously through his mussed bangs and sleepy lashes. He shifted slowly back to where he'd been lying but turned to face Spike. "Turn around."

Spike raised his eyebrows but did as Xander asked. Xander moved up behind him and threw an arm and a leg over Spike's body, snuggling in.

Spike sighed and moved back into the heat of Xander's body.

"Well...how long's it gonna be till you, er, are able to take my cock again?"

Xander stiffened and started to pull his arm and leg away from Spike but the vampire hurriedly grabbed hold of each limb and wouldn't let him go.

Xander bit the nape of Spike's neck hard enough to hurt but not break skin. "Spike."

"I'm sorry, pet, but you know the most important things in life for me are fighting, fucking and eating. You being at the beginning of that list, I mean. The others coming after you, of course."

Xander snorted and licked the spot he'd bitten. "No idea, Spike. It'll be a while, though. I'm having a hard enough time sitting as it is. I may have to buy one of those rubber butt donuts and sneak it in to use at work for a while. Probably a couple of weeks at least."

"Christ! I won't get to bugger you for that long? I'm going to effin' die of frustration!"

Xander slapped the side of Spike's head. "No, you won't. I said, I can't be fucked. I never said anything about not fucking you."

Spike blinked, then smiled slowly and pressed his naked ass into Xander's cloth-covered dick. "All right, then. Can handle that. Like your big, hard, hot prick up my ass, Xan-pet."

Xander laughed and ground his burgeoning erection into Spike's body, then groaned as pain shot through his rectum. "Okay, none of that. You're going to have to do all the work when we fuck again, Spike. Moving makes...it hurt."

Spike licked his lips. "I have no problem with that, luv."

"Didn't think you would. Now, shut up and go to sleep. I'm tired and I only have two days till I have to be back at work. I need to rest my ass all I can now so it won't be so sore when I have to be moving around and sitting on it all day."

Spike snorted. "Shut your gob, pet. Go to sleep."

Living with a human certainly was different to what Spike was used to. But, despite the differences and sometimes graphically disgusting parts of it, he wouldn't change it for the world.

Though, he could certainly live without the disgusting ass parts of the deal.

He shuddered slightly.

When he got the chip out, the first thing he'd do would be to turn Xander and have the witch slap a soul without the pesky no-shagging clause in him. That way, he could have his boy without all the gross bits.

He had to admit, though, he'd really miss the warm human bits...but it would be well worth it in the end.

He sighed, relaxed and eventually went to sleep in Xander's arms.

Here Endeth the Story

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