Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: NC 17
Warnings: Semi- character death, Angst, Borderline- underage sex, but not really.. (just read it, I can’t explain!)
Summary: That would be giving it away, wouldn't it?
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Beta: Mofetash
Second Chance
by
Denied Heaven
Prologue
“Mmm,” Xander purred into the cool mouth currently devouring his. When Spike leaned back and smirked down at his dark, glazed eyes and slightly dopey expression, he blinked slowly up at the vampire.
“What was that for?”
After grabbing the boy’s swollen lower lip in between his strong white teeth and tugging gently, Spike reluctantly rolled over to sit at the edge of the bed.
“Need a reason to snog you now, do I, luv?” he asked, standing and stretching, muscles rippling under pale skin. Padding naked over to his duster, he pawed through the pockets in search of his lighter, before glancing back at the bed and crooking a dark eyebrow in question.
Xander grinned and stretched his arms out above his head, wiggling around so that he was spread out on the dark sheets. It was rare when he had the bed all to himself.
“Well no, but if that was a prelude to anything else, I have to say you’ve worn me out for now, Spike. Not a vampire, here, us breathing-types need a break every now and then.”
Eyes heating up at the sight of his claimed writhing naked on his bed, arms above his head in a position of submission, Spike bit back a low moan and growled out, “Yeah, a pity, that.” Tearing his eyes away from the innocently erotic sight, he drew deeply on the just-lit fag, drawing the smoke deep into dead lungs, before letting it out in a slow stream towards the ceiling.
Under control again, he turned back to the dark haired teenager on the bed. No, not a teenager any longer, the boy had turned twenty a few days ago, he reminded himself. It didn’t help, though, Spike had a feeling he would always see the boy as the scrawny sixteen year old his sire had offered to him four years ago.
Has it really been four years?
It hadn’t been too very long after that day that he had taken Angel up on the false offer. After Dru had left him for another demon because he had helped send Angelus to Hell, he had kidnapped the whelp and the witch for a love spell to use on her.
Hadn’t ever gotten around to it, though. He had smelled the pheromones pouring off of the boy every time he had touched him and with just one real look into those puppy brown eyes, he had gotten lost in a different kind of love spell.
Truly sad how far down he had come since that day, but at least he had the boy. He could live with helping the Slayer, killing his own kind and reuniting with his ponce of a sire, as long as they let him keep Xander. He’d rather take the boy far away from the Hellmouth and the interfering, nosy humans but his claimed wouldn’t leave. Bloody noble child.
He had no business being with a human of such light and goodness, he knew it and so did everyone else. But though him and the boy had both fought it with every fiber of their beings, they had eventually given into their feelings and Spike couldn’t remember a time in his life, human or not, that he had been happier.
So he corrupted the boy a little, and let Xander try to convince him to work on the side of good. Compromise was good. Fuck, he had even went and gotten a soddin’ soul for the boy after he had almost took him by force once, during their often fiery and mercurial ‘courtship’.
Bloody nancy poof ‘m turnin’ into. There was no fire in the mental grumble, though, and Spike’s lips twitched as he watched his lover sprawl spread-eagled on the bed and curl his toes into the sheets. Such a puppy, he was.
A flicker of long dark eyelashes alerted him to the fact that his boy was watching Spike watch him. Through their bond, he could feel the slow heat building steadily up again in the human’s body and he bit back a smirk. Stubbing out the fag on the top of the dresser, he left it there and slowly, sinuously, stalked his way back to the bed.
Letting his eyelids drop heavily to partly shield his dark eyes, Xander could feel the pulse race in his neck with every prowling step his vampire took towards him. Muscles twitching, wanting to flee because something primitive in his mind screamed that Spike was the predator and he was the prey, he had to force himself to lie still.
He had run from Spike once, playfully, early on in the relationship, and the bruises had taken weeks to heal. Spike had been apologetic, climbing off of him and doctoring him up, but he had gotten a harsh scolding from the vampire afterwards.
He sure learned that lesson. No running from the demon, it just makes it attack.
Besides, it wasn’t like he actually wanted to run from Spike, not when the vampire did such delicious things to him.
By the time the blonde was crawling up the bed to cover him, his breath was coming in short pants and his cock had shown its renewed interest by hardening again, already leaking on his taut belly.
He arched up against the cool flesh that covered iron-hard muscles, as Spike pressed him down into the bed. His low voice purred into Xander’s ears, “Such a good boy, all ready and eager for me, aren’t you, pet? So,” a wet velvety lick along his neck, “Bloody,” another soft massaging lick, this time right over his claim mark and he whimpered. “Responsive,” the word purred right over that sensitive skin and Xander shuddered in need.
“Please, please,” he choked out, bending his neck even farther. Spike chuckled, a low and slightly evil sound. “But luv, I thought I had tired you out?”
Xander growled and bucked his hips, rubbing his erection against the vampire’s just as hard, but slightly cooler, one. Spike hissed at the sensation and shifted, his eyes glowing gold as he looked down at him. Whimpering, Xander pressed soft kisses over the now-familiar and loved planes of the demonic face and tilted his head back once again, baring his throat to his lover.
Unable to tease any longer, Spike brushed his fangs over the human’s warm, silken skin and sank them deep into the first marks he had made on his boy. He drew slowly, so slowly, on the wound, wanting to draw out the moment as long as he could. It was only a small taste, but it ran hot and wild through his veins, making him shudder in need.
The boy bucking under him, the hot pulsing erection grinding into his own hard, sensitive flesh, made his eyes roll back into his head. Through the bond, he could feel the almost agonizing pleasure that Xander was feeling from the bite, could feel the blood connecting them even further.
Distantly, he heard Xander’s hoarse moan as the boy came and felt the warmth on his belly. All of the erotic sensations combined and he felt his own body convulse against the sweaty body of his lover as his balls drew up, emptying his cool essence to mix with the boy’s.
Licking the small punctures closed, he purred, a low rumble, and flipped them so that Xander was lying on his lightly vibrating chest. Long, elegant fingers brushed the tangled black and sweaty hair back from the boy’s forehead, before he pressed a cool, soft kiss to the flushed skin there.
Xander’s pulse slowly started to wind down and he snuggled his chin in closer to the crook of his vampire’s neck. There was nowhere else he wanted to be and he wished that they could spend all day just as they were.
Even as he had the thought, though, he felt Spike sigh underneath him and he clung a little tighter, knowing they had to get up and get dressed any minute. The strong cool arms around him tightened a bit, then relaxed, and Spike shifted him so that he could get back out of the bed.
“Gotta run over to Peaches’ old place, he’s in town cuz his seer had some vision bout somethin’ and he wants me to look at a drawing to see if I recognize it. He called earlier while you were sleepin’,” he told Xander, as he reached for a towel to wipe the sticky mess off of his belly, then slipped into a pair of faded blue jeans.
Grimacing, Xander dropped his head onto the pillow and sighed. “So not going with you. He hates me and we always manage to piss each other off when we’re around each other more than five minutes.”
“He doesn’t hate you,” came the automatic answer.
“Does so, he gives me these looks. Evil looks,” he complained, flipping over on his belly so he could watch Spike move around the room. The blonde laughed and pulled a grey t-shirt over his head. It had taken Xander over two years to get his lover out of wearing nothing but black and red. Not that he hated those colors, Spike was beautiful in anything, but since Spike had taken over his wardrobe, he figured he had to get some payback somehow.
“Pet, Angel only has three expressions. Broody, annoyed and somewhere in between,” the vampire told him, walking back over to the bed to ruffle the messy black hair on his head. “Don’t care, still hate him. He always tries to separate us,” Xander mumbled, pouting up at Spike.
Spike sighed, getting annoyed with the old argument. “Oh, like your bleedin’ do-gooder friends don’t? No one is gonna separate us, luv. Stop worryin’ so much.” He smacked Xander on the ass and the boy yelped. “Get dressed, I wanna get back home sometime tonight.”
Spike grinned as he watched the dark haired boy grumble and sigh as he pulled on a pair of black jeans, boots and a dark blue button-up over a white t-shirt. Coming up behind him, the vampire wrapped his arms loosely around the boy’s waist, nuzzling his chin against the warm crook of Xander’s neck.
“You don’t have to go, pet. Just remember to not leave Giles’ without me, I don’t like you patrolling with those twits when I’m not there.”
Xander turned around in his arms and huffed out, “I’m not helpless, Spike. I’ve been killing demons for almost five years now, give me some credit.”
Narrowing his eyes at his human, Spike growled. “This isn’t negotiable, Xander. You aren’t a Slayer, a witch or a vampire and they all seem to forget that. They don’t look after you enough and ‘m just not bloody havin’ it.”
With a roll of his eyes, Xander pulled away and stalked towards the dresser to grab his comb and quickly brushed through the tangles in his hair. Throwing it back down, he snapped, “Yeah, yeah, Xander’s weak and helpless, I get it. Can we go now?”
A strong hand swung him around and cold, hard as steel fingers dug into his shoulders as he stared defiantly at the angry vampire. Golden eyes glared into his as Spike shook him lightly, growling out, “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
Shoving Xander back a few steps, Spike reached for his duster and pulled it on, scowling. Sighing deeply, he closed his eyes and breathed in a slow, deliberate breath. His features human again, he turned back to the boy and caught him by the chin in a strong grip, murmuring gruffly, “Love ya, I do. Don’t want anythin’ to happen, is all.”
Xander sighed and nodded wearily, as fed up with the same weekly argument as Spike was. There just didn’t seem to be a compromise.
Following his lover out the front door of their apartment, the cool night air sneaking in underneath his new black leather jacket, Xander turned and locked the door. Spike smiled almost sadly at him, an apologetic yet obstinate look in his eyes before saying, “Be careful on the way to the Watcher’s. Should be there in a few hours.”
Throwing his hands up in exasperation, Xander groaned, “Spike, it’s only a block down! I promise I’ll make it in one piece.”
The blonde nodded, before turning to start off in the opposite direction, towards Angel’s old mansion. After a second’s hesitation, Xander ran a few steps after him. Grabbing him by the collar of the duster, feeling the cool leather bunch up in his fist, he whirled him around. He ignored the startled look on Spike’s face and brushed his lips over the vampire’s lightly, before deepening the kiss for a long moment, tongues delving and sliding against each other.
Stepping back, he smiled at the bemused expression he had caused and said softly, “Love you, too, Spike. See you in a few hours.” Turning, he jogged down the sidewalk, heading towards Giles’ house.
Spike stared after the boy until he turned the corner, then shook himself lightly and smiled as he turned and made his way to his sire’s.
---
“I just don’t understand why you’re still with him, Xander. I mean, you hated him just like we did, then one day you’re just shackin’ up. You weren’t even gay!”
Muttering under his breath, Xander closed the heavy book he was looking in and thumped his head down on the desk repeatedly. “We’ve had this conversation a million times, Buffy. I love him, and nothing you can say is going to change that.”
She rolled her eyes in exasperation and brushed a hand through her hair. “He’s a vampire…he’s evil and I should have dusted him years ago. I mean, how do you know he really loves you and isn’t just using you for something?”
Standing so quickly that he knocked his chair over, he whirled around to face her, eyes flashing with temper. “He went and got a soul for me, damn it. I would think that would prove it.”
“Yeah, after he practically raped you, Xander. Don’t forget we were all there afterwards, we saw how devastated you were,” she snapped back, and Willow finally looked up from the computer and made a small noise in her throat. “Buffy…” she started, but Xander pounded his fist on the desk and they both stared at him.
“Stop, just stop. It was three fucking years ago and he was going through a bad time. Deadboy did a whole lot worse to our group but he’s still trusted and allowed around. I’m sick of you guys treating Spike like he’s lower than dirt when all he does is help. So…stop,” he bit out, closing his eyes briefly before staring at them steadily.
They looked at him sadly a moment and he pushed down the guilt he felt for snapping at them; he was just sick of listening to it. In four years, nothing had changed their minds about Spike.
Finally, the girls looked briefly at each other and Buffy cleared her throat. “So, yeah. Let’s go patrol, we aren’t finding anything out about the baddy here.” Buffy and Willow stood, Willow walking to the couch to wake up Tara, and Xander bit his lip in indecision. He didn’t want to worry Spike but he also didn’t want to bring up that he wasn’t supposed to leave without him and start the whole conversation over again.
“Maybe we should stop by Angel’s, he or Spike might know something about it,” he finally suggested, and to his relief, they simply nodded. Buffy yelled into the kitchen and told Giles they were leaving and the Watcher walked back in, nodding absently.
“Since you’re heading over to Angel’s, I’ll walk with you. There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask him and I keep forgetting to call LA.”
---
Less than a block from Angel’s, the demon found them. None of them had seen it coming and Buffy hadn’t felt it approach, either.
Within minutes, it had knocked Willow almost unconscious by slamming her against the wall and kept dodging away from Buffy’s attacks. Tara shook her lover, trying to keep her awake. Giles was cursing softly as he tried to figure out what would kill it and Xander was trying to distract it so that Buffy could get in a few shots.
Wincing as the scaly fist of the demon knocked him hard into the brick wall, Xander shook his head and tried to make the stars whirling around in his eyes fade. When it started back towards Willow, he reached out and punched it hard in the back, just as Giles yelled, “Xander! No, don’t! Buffy, cut its head off. Now!”
It was too late, however. As soon as his fist made contact with the tough leathery scales, two inch diameter, razor sharp spines sprang from the demon’s back. As soon as Buffy decapitated it, the spines sank back into the demon.
Xander jumped back and didn’t feel the pain at first, but at Willow’s gasping yell, he looked down. Three of the deadly spines had impaled him, through his chest and stomach, leaving large holes that were pouring out blood so dark that it was almost black.
The pain hit fast and he dropped to his knees in agony, as he watched everyone move in slow motion towards him. His head spun crazily and the world tilted, black spots dancing in front of his eyes. When he blinked them away, the pain was gone…only a numb coldness remained.
Willow held his head in her lap and he stared up at her, mouth trying to form the words he wanted to say. Her tears rained down on his face and they felt so hot on his skin. “Spike…” he rasped out painfully, and she nodded. “It’s okay, Xander. You’re gonna be okay.”
He knew better, he could feel his heart slowing with every labored breath and the weight on his chest pressed him farther and farther down into the ground as he gave up trying to speak.
Reaching for their bond, he sent, Sorry, so sorry. I didn’t know, you were right, so right. Love you, need you, and closed his eyes at the sudden wash of pain and terror he felt coming from Spike. Close, so close, but too far away.
***
They were in mid-conversation when the pain hit Spike and he screamed, feeling as though a red hot knife had cut him from chest to navel, splitting him wide open. It took him a moment of clutching at his belly in horror before he realized the pain wasn’t coming from him.
Nausea roiled in his stomach, for the first time in a century, and he almost blacked out, but he managed to stay upright, as upright as one can be on their knees and bent over. Mentally running a check over his body, he was reassured again that there was nothing physically wrong with him. But the pain…
Then it eased, which scared him even more than the agony ripping apart his insides, because he went numb, almost paralyzed, practically frozen in place. He could feel Angel shaking him, a big meaty fist on his shoulder, but he couldn’t speak.
When whatever it was released him, it happened in a flash, and he collapsed down on hands and knees, shaking. It was then that he reached for the bond in the back of his mind, wanting to make sure Xander hadn’t felt anything he had been going through.
Xander. And just like that, he knew. Even before the flood of love and sorrow, of pain, apology and hopelessness from his lover washed through his brain, he knew. And he howled, screamed with the anguish of it, the agony of a different sort burning through his veins.
Angel hauled him to his feet and he could hear the older vampire begging him to tell him what was wrong, but he couldn’t speak, couldn’t draw in enough air to. No no no, gotta get to Xander, gotta help, please baby, please…
“Xander,” he finally managed to gasp out, stumbling towards the door. With Angel behind him every step of the way, he made it outside and felt around for the boy, trying to figure out what direction he was in. After a moment, he didn’t need to try.
He could hear the screams.
There was Buffy’s voice, and Willow’s…and they were wailing, loudly, cursing and crying and the sound made his heart shrivel up because… he knew. With every racing moment, closer and closer, he knew.
Within seconds, the two of them were around the corner and they could see the group of humans. Blood, so much blood. The smell of it coated the air, the pool of it dark against the dirty street.
The watcher was on his knees, supporting his Slayer, Tara was kneeling by Willow…and Willow…she was bent over his boy, his life… his everything. At his horrified gasped-out moan, her head came up and he collapsed next to her, watching the tears stream down her red and swollen face. He didn’t want to look, couldn’t. But he did.
Wide open brown eyes stared up at him, eyes that should be filled with agony and pain but were filled instead with an awful, consuming sorrow. Tears and blood covered the beloved face of the boy and Spike’s hands trembled as he wiped ineffectually at it. Xander’s chest rose and fell in a heavy, uneven rhythm and his pale, bloodied lips moved, trying to form the words that Spike knew he didn’t want to hear.
A loud coughing choked sound came from the boy’s throat and before Spike could grasp the fact that this was really happening, that this was the end unless he did something quick, Xander’s eyes rolled back in his head and he was gone.
Just like that.
No warning, no time to convince the Scoobies that they could ensoul him later if Spike made him a vampire, no time to say goodbye or ‘I love you’ or ‘Don’t you fucking die on me’. Just gone.
He felt it echo, the snap of the bond, felt it vibrate through his bones and leave him screaming hoarsely in denial. It couldn’t happen this way, it wasn’t right, wasn’t fair. Then the sudden emptiness, the awful echoing emptiness where their love used to be, where the only warmth and joy in his life had been.
“No, no,” he muttered at first, then said louder and louder until he was screaming it. “No! Ya can’t do this to me, Xan, I fuckin’ need ya, I can’t do this alone. Fuck,” he yelled, fingers digging into the body that only an hour ago had been filled with so much life, so much happiness. He slit his wrist with his fangs and poured his blood into the open mouth, but there was no movement, no life.
Tears started pouring down his vampiric face, but he didn’t feel them. Shaking the still warm body furiously, he begged him in choked whimpers, “Don’t Xan, don’t leave me, please, please, no.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Slayer start to move closer and felt the witch shift anxiously, and he snarled at them, clutching the boy tighter. Giles shook his head at the girls, his own tears falling, and whispered brokenly, “He’s already gone.”
The slight hope abruptly extinguished in the red-head's eyes and Spike felt the answering loss of hope in his own; there would be no miracle, no recovery, no rising from the dead.
“Go,” he snarled at the humans. “You can have him and do whatever you need to later, but go. Please,” he added brokenly, his voice breaking on the softly spoken word. The four humans stood dazedly, arms around each other as they cried, and gave one last look behind them as they started to walk away.
His body started shaking with his sobs and he shoved a bloody fist into his mouth to stifle them. The taste of their mixed blood just made him cling tighter to the dead body of his lover and keen loudly, as he felt his sire press close to his back to try to comfort him.
Angel wrapped strong arms around him as he collapsed over Xander’s body, howling in agony and sorrow until his throat was so raw that he couldn’t do more than gasp out pleas and curses. He could feel the cool tears of the older vampire against the back of his neck as he cried, rocking him as he rocked Xander, the pool of blood widening slowly in the dark, dirty alley.
***
Green sparking lights flickered erratically in the small dark room, casting eerie shadows on the walls. Taking a deep breath in, Willow finished the last of the chant and exhaled, as she felt her body race with energy, and a tiny unfamiliar stirring within her.
The room went dark and she closed the circle, standing wearily, her body exhausted by the events and emotions of the day. Please work, Goddess, please let it work.
Tomorrow, she knew, she would be terrified. But tonight, with the magic and the pain and sorrow still racing within her, she just hoped it worked.
Sliding quietly into bed next to her lover, she cuddled close to her warm body, feeling her tears start once again. Xander, I don’t want to be here without you. And he needs you, we never realized, never knew. But Goddess, he needs you.
When Tara stroked her wet hair from her face, she smiled sadly up at her, her heart aching so badly that she couldn’t breathe. It was unfair of her to have done this, but a second longer and it would have been too late. But she didn’t want to lose Tara, either.
“Tara, honey, how do you feel about babies?”
Chapter One
The full moon cast a silver glow on the tanned skin of the boy, causing him to look almost ethereal and otherworldly. Keeping to the dark shadows, Spike stalked silently behind the carelessly whistling human, telling himself it was the chase, the hunt, that excited him so much, that made him almost feel his borrowed blood pound in his dead veins.
It wasn’t the pure innocent beauty of the boy, it wasn’t watching the gleaming black hair blowing messily across his forehead and those pink luscious lips pursed wetly as the idiot announced his presence to any predator in the area. He didn’t want the bumbling teenager. He just wanted to eat him. Or so he kept telling himself.
Apparently, so did the fledge who ignored Spike’s presence and jumped out from an alleyway to grab the boy by the throat. Within moments, the young vampire was dust and Spike found himself gazing down into the dark incredulous eyes of Xander, from where he sat confused on the ground, covered in ashes.
He looked almost grateful, which galled Spike, because he hadn’t even realized what he was doing until it was done. Face flashing to demon, he snarled down at the boy and Xander’s face went white even as his eyes narrowed and he pushed to his feet unsteadily. Spike could smell the terror wafting off of the boy but, except for the paleness of his face, he couldn’t see it.
Annoyance turned to grudging respect, then back to annoyance, as Xander stared him down, snapping, “What? Can’t go get your own meals and have to steal from other vamps now?”
He scoffed, “Who bloody says I’d want to eat you?”
They stared at each other a few more moments, before Xander looked down and sighed, edging warily away. “If you aren’t gonna kill me, then I’m gonna get home. School tomorrow, and all that, y’know? Not that you would care I have school, but I want you to know I’m not running away, or walking, just…class, can’t be staying up all night. So yeah, this is me, going home. Like…right now.”
Another two steps backwards, and Spike lunged forward to grab the kid’s arm. Liquid chocolate eyes widened and Spike moaned at the scent of fear and pheromones coming from him.
“Never said I wasn’t gonna kill ya.” He yanked the boy closer and Xander stumbled, falling against him, hands grabbing onto Spike’s shoulders. Ignoring the terrified whimper, his head darted down so that he could lick from the boy’s collarbone to his ear in one long swipe, the body clinging to his shuddering, the smell of desire coming from Xander spiking his own.
‘Bite him, bite him,’ his demon chanted, coming to the forefront so suddenly that his face changed without him willing it to. Leaning his head down again, he could almost feel the hot blood rushing into his mouth, but his body wasn’t listening to him. His hand fisted in the boy’s shaggy black hair, yanking his head back, and when Xander gasped in pain, his mouth came down over the boy’s, tongue delving inside to taste and stroke the soft, heated flesh.
They both moaned, arms tightening on each other, as Spike devoured the boy’s mouth, claiming, dominating, possessing it for his own with every stroke inside, every nip on the boy’s lips, every soft caress. When Xander’s soft tongue shyly ventured into his mouth, Spike growled and shook in need, and he nipped sharply at it. The taste of the boy’s blood was like nothing he had tasted before, sweet and hot, spicy with his lust, and Spike jerked back, stepping away from him.
“Go,” he panted out, eyes blazing gold, fangs itching to bury themselves in the tender skin of the teenager’s neck. Xander, confused, took a step towards him, and Spike snarled, shoving him away, wanting him to run home so he didn’t have to feel this dividing need, didn’t have to argue with himself over whether to kill the boy or not, take him or not.
His shove slipped, however, and instead of knocking the boy backwards, his hand sank into a warm chest, through skin and bone, wrapping around his heart. If the boy didn’t have his heart, he couldn’t stare at him with those gorgeous, sweet, innocent eyes, eyes that begged so much from him yet expected nothing.
With a yell, he yanked the offending organ out and it turned to dust in his hand. The last expressions on that beloved face were hurt and betrayal, and love, before Xander’s body disintegrated. Still love.
Dublin, Ireland
Spike awoke screaming, sitting straight up in bed. Eyes closed, fists clenched in the sheets, tears pouring down his face and screaming. It was the sound of Xander’s name, loud and echoing in his own voice, that brought him back to reality. His eyes opened slowly as he panted, throat raw, chest tight with held-in sobs.
Blue eyes bright with tears darted around the hotel room, reassuring himself that it had been just a dream. It was more than that, though. His memories of Xander were all he had left, and now his nightmares were fucking even those up.
Wasn’t the way it had ended, of course, but enough of it had been real to make him ache. Even now, ten years after the boy had died, he could remember every moment they had shared, every touch, every kiss, every harsh word or cry of ecstasy.
He had stalked Xander for weeks after he had let him and the witch go, cursing his own softness in doing so. That night that the fledge had almost killed his boy had been the first time he had kissed him, first time he admitted to himself that he had wanted the kid. Xander, for all his arousal, hadn’t been quite as ready to admit anything, though, and had punched him hard and stalked away, after Spike had raised his mouth from those warm sweet lips and told him to go.
That had been how it really ended, not Spike pulling out his boy’s heart, for Christ’s sake. And those warm brown eyes hadn’t held love for him at that time, not yet, but he had wanted to run from them when they first started showing it.
Now, he’d give anything to see those eyes again, shining with love for him or not, even hate would be preferable to not having Xander in this world.
Sighing deeply, Spike climbed out of bed and stretched, knowing he would get no more rest that day. Ten years and he was still haunted. Yeah, he loved hard when he loved. He still dreamed of Dru sometimes and wondered how she was doing, he still heard Angelus’ husky laugh at night, but Xander? Xander haunted him.
He would spend months ruthlessly suppressing any thought of him, any slightest memory. It would work until he saw a head of dark hair, smiling brown eyes or a flash of a crooked white grin and he would rush back to his hotel room and throw up violently, sobs wracking his body as he begged to be released from the pain.
After, he would spend days not moving, not eating, just sitting in the dark and going over every moment he had known his sweet, gorgeous boy in his head. From the first night he had seen him, dancing with the Slayer at the Bronze, all goofy smiles and bumbling steps, to that last, awful night, he went through them one by one, every word, every smile. Making sure that he remembered it all, never forgot a single, precious second.
There had been many a night, after one of those episodes, that he would sit on the roof and wonder how badly it would hurt to watch the sun rise, how quickly he would burn before he didn’t feel anything anymore. Something always stopped him, though.
Like it had that first horrid night, when he had finally escaped from his sire’s embrace hours later to rock and keen over the cold body of his claimed, holding a stake to his heart determinedly.
That empty gaping hole in his mind had glowed slightly, had warmed a little, and that had somehow been enough to keep him from doing anything drastic. Moments later his snarling sire had loomed over him and ripped away the stake, thus ending his first suicide attempt.
He didn’t have Angel to save him from himself anymore, he hadn’t seen any of the old group since that night, but some weird hope, some odd feeling that said it couldn’t be this bad forever, was enough to stop him at the last minute every time. And thinking of Angel, he realized that he seriously missed the poofy buggar.
He had left that night, ten long, aching years ago, without a word to anyone, with one last kiss on those cruelly cold, dry lips, lips that had always been hot and wet, wonderfully alive. There had been no way he could have gone back to their apartment, no way in hell he could have stood seeing Xander’s things still lying there waiting for him to come back.
He hadn’t been able to face the Scoobies either; his hatred had faded over the years, but he still blamed them. If it hadn’t been for them, his laughing, golden-skinned, brown-eyed boy would still be taunting and teasing him, loving him. So staying in Sunnydale had been out.
Could have stayed with Angel, but it was just too close, too raw, too many memories. So he had run, and had been running ever since, from city to city, country to country, continent to continent. At least when he didn’t see anyone who knew Xander, he could pretend his boy had left him or he had gotten tired of him and done the leaving himself, that Xander was still out there somewhere and there was always the possibility of a reunion. Of course, he never would have left Xander and he would sure as hell not have let him leave, but it was still a nice thought.
Eventually, though, he would break down and get reminded, or end up drunkenly telling the whole sorry story one night, and wake up with the desire to go somewhere new, somewhere that even the memory of remembering Xander wasn’t.
So onward he would go, until he couldn’t run anymore, until he had been everywhere and ended up in the one place that started things back at the beginning again. Not London, not Sunnydale, but Ireland. Ireland was the beginning to him, the place his sire had been born and raised. He realized now what needing to come here meant.
It was the first step in facing the past.
Suddenly, he couldn’t spend another minute in the misery he had been living in. It was time. No more running. It was time to face the past so he could either move forward, or end it once and for all.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, he pulled open the phone book and called the airport. First stop London, then off to LA. He had some demons to face.
---
London had been the same, it pretty much always was every time he went. The only real memories there were good ones, aside from his human life, so it hadn’t been that hard to bear.
Now, though, on the plane to LA, he was having serious doubts about whether he could do it or not. Shaking hands opened the third little bottle of Jack Daniels in as many minutes, and he gulped it down quickly. He knew Angel would be pissed over the way he left, but that couldn’t be helped now. He just hoped the other man wouldn’t mind putting him up for a bit because he just wasn’t ready to make the trip to Sunnydale.
Not now, not yet.
***
Angel felt him the moment he arrived in town. At first, it was so unfamiliar, it took a moment to place what the feeling was, but then a broad smile briefly flickered over his lips. His boy was back.
A small part of him had been wondering if Spike was even still alive, but surely he would have felt it if he had passed. So it was with great relief, and more than a bit of anger, that he looked up to see a head of now honey-blonde hair and those burning blue eyes, wary eyes.
He was out of his chair and holding the startled younger vampire against the wall before he even realized that Angelus was angry enough to take control. Not that his demon was any angrier than he was. Snarling down into Spike’s face, he thumped the blonde’s hard head against the wall a few times, then hauled him into his arms and hugged him tightly.
“You damned idiot, I thought you were dead!”
A dark eyebrow raised and Spike opened his mouth, but Angel glared and he shut it. “Don’t even go there, boy, you know what I meant.”
“Worried bout me, Peaches? Touched,” he smirked. His eyes, though, his eyes were filled with a kind of confused relief. Did he really think Angel wouldn’t worry? Wouldn’t care?
Stupid childe.
In answer, he just hugged Spike against his chest again and breathed deeply, the scent of family soothing Angelus and reassuring himself that his childe was still around. Stupid, stupid boy.
Pulling back, he grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him harshly, opening his mouth to yell at him some more, when Spike’s eyes went over his shoulder and widened, mouth gaping. Frowning, Angel looked backwards and saw Buffy staring at them with tears in her eyes and he smiled softly at his mate, knowing how badly she had felt about Spike and Xander after seeing Spike break down over the boy.
Feeling Spike move under his hands, he loosened his grip and turned back to the blonde vampire, just in time to see Spike jerk away and head for the door.
“Spike?” he heard Buffy ask in a hushed voice and he could hear the suppressed tears in it. Spike stopped, his back to them, shoulders hunched and muscles quivering.
***
Not fair, not fair, not fair!
He had sensed her and for some odd moment, he had thought Angel was actually living with Dru, but even before he looked up into her eyes, he had known who it would be standing there, smelling of his sire and family. Buffy.
The unfairness of it almost brought him to his knees and it was all he could do to stand there and not scream in agony. Angel had gotten to turn his Slayer, a Slayer for fuck’s sake, and his boy was rotting in the ground. They had forever and all he had were memories and dust, not even the promise of seeing him again in the afterlife because there was no chance Xander was in Hell and there was even less of a chance that he was going to Heaven.
If it hadn’t been for the raw pain in her voice, he would have walked out the door and kept walking until the sun rose. At the feel of Angel’s hand on his shoulder, he stiffened even more, every muscle quivering with the need to escape.
“I’m so sorry, Spike, I hadn’t wanted you to find out like this. We just couldn’t find you.” He heard the apology and sympathy in his sire’s voice and sighed shakily, staring blankly at the carpet. A single tear full of bitterness, envy and broken dreams slid down his face and he raised a shaking hand to wipe it away quickly, before straightening his shoulders and turning to stare at his new ‘sister’.
She hadn’t been made long after he had left, a year or two maybe, and was still the beautiful girl he remembered. Her bottom lip quivered as she stared back at him and he hesitated a brief moment, flashes of bitter arguments and a choking hate going though his mind, before he opened his arms to her and let go of the past.
He had his arms full of soft woman and golden hair before he had even blinked and he bent his head to breathe in the traces of sun still left in her silken locks as she wrapped her arms fiercely around him, murmuring something. It took a moment before he got over the distraction of Buffy actually hugging him before he realized what she was sobbing into his shirt.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry, we didn’t know, all my fault, never should have met him, wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t met me, God, I’m so sorry…” she kept repeating it over and over as he stood stunned, feeling the same pain and anguish inside of him radiating from the small ex-Slayer in his arms.
Awkwardly patting her back, he looked with wide eyes at his sire, asking for some help. Angel just stood there with a sad smile on his face, so Spike had to wait for the storm to recede, just stroking her back. All of his past hate and anger towards her slipped away with every tear from her eyes, every choked apology.
Later, when they were all sitting on the large couch in front of the tv, Buffy on Angel’s lap and Spike curled up facing them, they talked. Mostly they asked about where he had been, what he had been up to. It was awkward and full of silent pauses when someone stumbled and brought up something painful, but it was nice to talk to people he had known for so long after years of strangers.
They didn’t say much about what had been going on around there or Sunnydale and he didn’t want to ask. Eventually, Buffy’s eyes started drooping and Angel told her softly to go on up to bed and he would get Spike situated for the day. With a last kiss pressed to Spike’s cheek, she smiled and told him goodnight.
Shaking his head at the sight of Buffy the vampire, he watched them kiss and whisper softly about something, eyes flickering to him and back. Slipping a pack of fags from his pocket, he shook one out and lit it as Angel reassured Buffy about something and gave her one last smile, saying he would be up in a minute.
There was silence for a few minutes after she disappeared upstairs, Angel staring at the floor, brow furrowed as if he was debating something in his head. Spike was about to roll his eyes and make some comment about brooding, when those dark eyes came up and looked into his.
He could tell his sire was about to say something deep and important and his mind raced to put it off, he didn’t want to deal with anything else that night. He was tired and emotionally drained, just wanted to sleep.
“So, think ya could put me up a few days, Peaches?” he asked, and the other man just nodded, opening his mouth and Spike sighed, knowing it hadn’t worked.
“Spike…” he started, then growled softly and ran his hands through his hair. Looking down, then back up at Spike again, he said, “You can stay as long as you like…but first, you need to go to Sunnydale. First thing tomorrow. Dawn and Willow deserve to know you’re alive and okay, and to hear it from you, see you.”
Blue eyes blinking, Spike just stared a minute, before smirking and shaking his head. “I’m not that hard up, wanker. I can find a place to stay on me own.” He stood up, his mind screaming at the very mention of Sunnydale, too soon, too soon, but a strong hand gripped his arm and held him in place before he could walk out.
“Please, Spike. I can’t imagine how badly it has to hurt to even think about going back there, but I really think it would help. I might be wrong and it might make it worse, but you have to face it. I wish I could do it for you or go with you, childe, but it’s something you have to do on your own.”
Heart aching, chest hurting, mind spinning with everything that had gone on that night, Spike clenched his teeth and closed his eyes, nodding slowly. He didn’t want to, but his sire was right, the bastard. It was time, and he had to face it.
---
The next night, after a surprisingly tight embrace from his sire and a sad-eyed goodbye from Buffy, he took one of Angel’s cars and headed towards Sunnydale.
Chapter Two
His fingers clenched frozenly on the steering wheel, Spike tried to not look around as he entered the city limits of Sunnydale. Not that it mattered, because from what he did see, nothing was the same. Oh, the Bronze was still there, and the high school, but the past ten years had changed the town.
It seemed... happier. The dark cloud that had hovered over the place had dissipated, leaving a sense of quiet and peace in its place. Spike couldn't even feel the Hellmouth.
It was as if it had never existed there.
He still saw the occasional demon, but no more than any other large town or small city. Something had obviously happened to close the mouth of Hell, something that had probably cost Buffy her life, but he had no idea what.
A sliver of guilt ran through him at the thought that with him there, things could have happened differently, but the Slayer had seemed happy with the way things had gone and was much the same as before, just a little more mature. Obviously, Red was still in the souling business.
Willow...
There went that guilt again. The red-headed witch had looked so broken, hollow, the last time he had seen her. Maybe if he had stuck around, they could have helped each other through the agony of Xa-.
He broke off the thought, staring determinedly out the windshield as he passed by their old apartment, not even glancing over. The closer he got to Giles', which is where Angel had told him that the witches lived now, the more his stomach knotted.
As he was nearing the park that was between their place and Giles', he noticed a small shape moving quickly down the old path, followed by a larger, more sinister-looking shadow. Sighing to himself, he pulled into the small parking lot at the edge of the baseball field and climbed out.
Guess with the Hellmouth gone, parents figured it would be a safer place to be and didn't shove it into the brats' heads to not run around after dark.
Loping silently across the field, he cut around behind the child, putting himself between the boy and the man following him. The scent of lust and sickness coming from the man made him curl his lip in disgust.
The scent of the boy, however... it was heady and sweet, intoxicating, and Spike had to shake himself before he just stood there frozen in the middle of the park, barely reining in his demon. Making noise so that the boy knew that there was someone behind him, he jogged up the path towards the kid.
"Hey, kid!" he called out, wracking his brain for a reason to approach the boy without seeming just as much a predator as the man following them. The boy walked faster, head down and hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans.
Reaching into the deep pockets of his bomber jacket, Spike pulled out a small Star-Trek figurine, something he always carried, never having had the chance to give it to Xander like he had planned. Striding up to walk in pace with the small boy, he held it out to him with knots in his stomach, nauseous at the thought of losing it.
"Hey, did ya drop this? I picked it up over there," he told him, waving his hand absently towards the way the boy had come.
Deep chocolate brown eyes flickered up to his as the boy shook his head and Spike felt the punch of them knocking him flat on his ass. Puppy eyes, liquid and consuming, dark eyes that drag you down inside until you don't know which way is up anymore, but really don't care.
Xander's eyes.
It was impossible, of course, and he held his breath, waiting for the overwhelming agony to wash over him, almost knocking him to his knees as it did so. The boy stopped when he hunched over, fists pressing against the hollow space under his ribs where the pain hit hardest.
"Mister? You alright?"
That voice, those eyes... that smell.
He whimpered silently, nodding, just wanting the kid to stop talking and back up, but a small hand came up to touch his shoulder and he glanced down into the boy’s worried face. Xander’s face.
Clenching his eyes closed, Spike backed up and tried to breath. Wasn’t him, wasn’t him. Never was. He couldn’t count how many times this had happened to him over the years…although they were usually a bit older. This was the first time a kid had made him feel the overwhelming déjà vu and vertigo of seeing his boy in someone else.
Taking a few calming breaths, Spike shook his head to clear it and straightened up, not looking over at the boy again. “Yeah, sorry bout that. Got a mite dizzy…Asthma y’know?” He coughed once for effect and saw the boy nod slowly, warily, at him from the corner of his eye.
He wondered if the boy was old enough to think he was on drugs or just figured he was insane, because he sure wasn’t buying it. Smart kid.
Without looking over at him again, the boy started walking towards the street, and Spike paused to glance behind them. The man that had been following the boy was nowhere in sight but Spike had his scent. He would find him later, he wanted to make sure the boy got home safely.
Before he could turn around and follow the boy, however, he heard a car door slam and a familiar, so familiar voice yelling out, “Alexander Rosenberg, you get your butt over here right this minute!”
---
The kitchen was bright and cheery, reminiscent of Joyce’s back in the happy times. It looked like a real family’s kitchen, unlike the clean and sterile place it had been when it had been just Giles living there.
His mind determinedly blocking out all thoughts of the small boy getting lectured by his mother…Red as a mother?…Spike continued to glance around the small kitchen and avoid the overly bright and anxious eyes of Tara and Giles and the curious gaze of Ethan Rayne. He had been mildly shocked, only mildly because he was already in so great a state of shock that if the world ended he wouldn’t have blinked, to see the warlock there when he entered the house.
Obviously, he had only recently worn Giles down, from the hesitant but loving glances between the two older men.
No one was offering up any explanations for why Willow’s son looked so much like Xander that he could be his twin and since he was afraid of the answer, he didn’t ask. They sat silent in the small room, as Willow continued to berate the boy for not coming home before dark. Eventually, she grounded him for a week and told him to start on his homework and she would bring him some dinner after she talked with ‘Uncle William’.
After he had heard Willow’s voice yelling for the boy, Alexander, Spike had slowly turned around, the world giving way underneath him. From the look on Willow’s face and the gasp she made when he took a couple of steps towards her, she was feeling the same.
Before he could even open his mouth to say anything, she was in his arms, and he was breathing in the old familiar scent of strawberries and incense. There were some tears, an admonishing smack on his chest as she shrieked out that everyone thought he was dead and some laughter, before they both remembered the dark-haired boy watching them with calm but confused eyes.
Willow had paled, before flushing darkly, swaying on her feet, and Spike had held her up gently. In a soft shaky voice, she had introduced the boy as her son and introduced him as “William”, which was a bit confusing since she had never used the name before. Before he could ask anything about the boy, who still made his stomach knot and the world careen whenever he looked at him, not to mention the name, she had rushed them all into the car and they drove in silence to Giles’.
With a sigh and an exasperated roll of her green eyes, she walked into the kitchen, Alex’s grumbling complaints over being grounded following her till she closed the door for privacy. As she made her way to the table to sit next to Tara and across from Spike, he studied her.
Motherhood had been good to Willow. A bit taller than she had been as a girl, much more filled out, her hair was lightly braided and quite a bit longer than it had been. Still the beautiful red it had always been, though.
Tara looked much the same as she always had, sweetly rounded and calmly serene. The older ex-watcher and warlock looked good for their years, too, trim and distinguished. Must be something in the city water.
The silence stretched out awkwardly as Willow opened her mouth several times, trying to figure out what to say. When Spike could take it no longer, he looked the witch in the eyes and said softly, achingly, “Just tell me it’s real, what ‘m thinkin’. Tell me Xa-Xander didn’t decide to knock you up so that you two could have a baby in your lesbian love nest and just forgot to tell me. Tell me it isn’t just a coincidence that he looks so much like him. It’s impossible, but fuck…tell me it’s him. I don’t care how or why, just please…”
Biting her trembling lips, the girl…no, woman now… nodded slowly, her eyes slowly filling with tears, a look in her eyes begging him, but for what he didn’t know.
Having his greatest hope, his most secret and unattainable desire confirmed made the world freeze in place. The room spun and everyone in it blurred, but every sound came across crystal clear, including the buzzing and humming in his ears. Panting for unneeded breaths, he closed his eyes and tried to fit his mind around the whole impossible, huge situation.
Xander was alive. In an odd sort of way, but alive nonetheless. Clenching his teeth to blink back the hot, scalding tears pricking his eyes, he glanced back up at Willow to find her watching him with a worried and guilty look on her face.
A small delicate hand reached for his and she said softly, “He doesn’t remember anything, Spike. Any of it. His parents, me, you.” A tear trickled down her face and he wiped it away gently, his heart breaking at the truth of her words, a truth he hadn’t considered but should have, since he had seen no recognition in those dark eyes earlier.
“You did what you could, luv,” he rasped out past his tight throat. “Or at least ‘m assuming it was a spell, yeah?”
She nodded, glancing down at the table guiltily, and he tipped her chin back up. “You did what you could, which was much more than any of the rest of us could. He’s alive, Red,” he whispered, awe and tenderness in his voice.
Another tear fell and she choked out, “But it’s not him, Spike. It’s Alex, my son. It isn’t Xander in that room. We keep trying to not jar his memory because we just don’t know how it will affect him. I don’t know if he will ever remember and I don’t know if I can even handle it now if it does happen. I want Xander back but… He’s my baby, Spike! I can’t lose him, either. A-and he’s too young right now to remember what he was to you.”
His eyes closed at the pain and guilt in her voice and a silent, hot tear slid down his cheek. “’M not gonna hurt him, make him remember… or take him away, Willow. He’ll always be your baby. But he’s mine, too, and I can’t just stop feelin’ that, damn it. But I’m not a pedophile, for fuck’s sake. He’s only nine years old.”
Nine. His boy was a baby, not even a decade old. With no memories of him, them.
It hit suddenly, the overwhelming grief of it all. Xander was alive but it wasn’t Xander. And he didn’t know him.
He tried to stand up, to get away, but the tears kept flowing and the sobs starting wracking his body. Not fuckin’ fair. None of it. There was a low murmur of concerned voices, and then there was only Tara, wrapping her gentle arms around him and easing them both to the floor. Soft soothing words were whispered in his ear as she let him cry it all out, the injustice of his world, everything he had been through the past ten years while his boy was alive and well, walking around, growing up. Unknowing.
After the sobs subsided, they sat quietly in the now silent and empty kitchen, drawing comfort from each other over the awful loss of the boy they had all loved. Eventually, Tara started talking, in hushed short phrases, telling him a little of what had went on ten years ago.
“Willow, s-she took his soul into her body from the place where it was waiting. She did it only hours after he died, any later and she would have pulled him from Heaven and she c-couldn’t do that to him. She told me that night, but we didn’t tell anyone else till it was confirmed. You were gone weeks by then, we tried to find you but you moved too often and we eventually gave up. Knew you’d make it back here eventually. I think she thought it would…be Xander, you know? She wasn’t expecting to be a mother, neither was I. But goddess, we love him. In a w-way that only a parent can understand. There’s still the love we have for Xander but it’s all mixed in with this other love and it’s so confusing some times.”
She touched Spike’s face gently, wiping away some of the tears. “He is very loved, Spike. Wants for nothing. Willow does a great job raising him because she remembers how his other parents treated him and tries so hard to make up for it. She’s s-scared, Spike. She is so scared she is going to lose him and she feels awful about not wanting him to remember, to go from her child back to her best friend. It wasn’t anything we were expecting. I think seeing you here made her r-realize how unfair it is to not want him back, to remember who he was.”
He nodded bleakly, heart dying just a little more. It was all just…impossible.
But impossible or not, he couldn’t leave. Couldn’t abandon the boy or the others, now that he had them all around him again. Couldn’t go be that lonely dead inside person he had been for over a decade.
So he moved back into his and Xander’s old apartment, aching at the memories and hiding away every memento around that would make it more difficult for him, anything that would trigger a memory on Alex when he was too young to deal with everything that had happened.
Dawn and Oz, and what a sickeningly adorable couple they made, came over often and Spike found a great comfort in the young man’s calm. Dawn mothered him relentlessly and he found he liked the strength that being a werewolf gave the almost-fragile girl he remembered. They, along with visits to Angel and Buffy’s, got him through some very rough times in the beginning, helping him to realize that Alex idolized him and he couldn’t rebuff the child because of the deep pain it caused him to be around the kid.
He got to know the boy, helping him with homework, playing video games with him, teaching him poker. Just talking. Getting to know Alex. Growing more and more fond of the boy who housed the soul of his claimed.
The boy was growing up into a more self contained, strong and confident boy than Xander had been at his age. Most of it was his upbringing, but every now and then, they would see the wisdom beyond his years in those dark eyes, and they could only wait with bated breath to see what would happen.
If Willow ached a little every time she saw a glimpse of Xander in his chocolate eyes, if Spike died a little every time the voice of his lover-turned-child called him ‘Uncle William’, they both hid it well.
And if Spike ever screamed and raged against the fates that had dropped him and shattered him into a million pieces only to put him back together and do it all over again, he did it in the dark confines of the house that used to be filled with laughter and love, but now was filled only with pain and loneliness. And a fierce longing for what had been.
Chapter Three
His feet were warm. As that hazy blurred thought passed through his mind, he slowly drifted awake, the soft sound of a heartbeat caressing his ears. Only one person could get in without waking his demon and he smiled slowly. His eyes flickered open at the sound of a soft, “Shit!” and he grinned sleepily.
“Your mum know you use that kinda language?” he rasped out, and the boy stretched out on the end of his bed turned to look over his shoulder and smirk. “Of course,” Alex lied glibly, before turning his attention back to his game.
Taking advantage of the teenager’s inattention, Spike slid out of bed and grabbed the jeans that were lying in the floor, pulling the soft material over naked hips in a quick, smooth movement. “You been home yet?” he asked, stretching his muscles and running a hand through his sleep mussed curls.
“Yeah, I went home before coming over, yeah, she knows where I am and yeah, you’re invited to dinner if you wake up before it’s all gone,” Alex answered, focused on the tv screen and his creature taking an axe or whatever it was, to what looked like a bunch of zombies.
Kid musta bought it because that wasn’t one of Spike’s. Turning his attention from the promise of a new game to explore, he stared longingly at the small strip of tan skin, tapering down to the dip of Alex’s spine just above the boy’s jeans, his shirt having hiked up from his movements.
“I know you want me,” Alex said softly, so softly Spike almost didn’t hear him and he froze, hoping he had imagined it. “I can feel it when you look at me,” he continued and Spike cursed under his breath, a feeling of hot panic rushing through him as he moved towards the bedroom door.
Before he got past the end of the bed, though, Alex paused the game and sprawled back onto his elbows, looking challengingly at Spike through heated dark eyes. “When are you gonna do somethin’ about it?”
Ripping his eyes away from the expanse of sleekly muscled flesh that was the boy’s belly, Spike shook his head quickly, backing up. “’M not,” he bit out, moving again towards the door.
Rolling off the bed and jumping to his feet in one smoothly fluid move, a move that would have had him tripping over his feet in his last incarnation, Alex stormed over to Spike, hands fisted and eyes narrowed. “Why the hell not? You want me,” he yelled, ignoring the guilty flinch on Spike’s face, “and I sure as fuck want you. So why not?”
“Watch your mouth,” Spike snapped out, wincing again internally at the ludicrousness of the statement, and watched as Alex growled in frustration, turning away from the older man to pace, driving his hands through his dark hair.
“Stop fuckin’ treatin’ me like a child!” he finally yelled, whirling back around to glare heatedly at the vampire. “You are a fuckin’ child!” Spike yelled back, trying to beat that very fact into his own head.
At the boy’s silent snarl, he calmed his voice and tried to speak evenly, reasonably to the upset teenager. “Alex… you’re too young to know what you want. You’re too young to even be thinking about stuff like this.”
He rolled his eyes, scowling, “Oh right, like no fourteen year old knows jack shit about sex. Come on, Will. Over half the kids at school are doin’ it.” Stepping closer to Spike, he touched his shoulder gently, as if expecting him to bolt. “We’ve been dancin’ around this for months, Will. You can’t pretend anymore.”
And they had, to Spike’s chagrin. He had hoped Alex hadn’t noticed his small touches, the hugs that lasted a bit longer than necessary, the consuming need to just touch the boy sometimes too overwhelming to resist. He had ignored the small longing looks from the corners of the boy’s eyes, and Alex had pretended not to see his own, but apparently the kid had decided to stop playing.
And God help him, Spike wanted it, too.
Long nights of cuddling with the warm familiar body, watching movies or competing on the playstation, of helping the boy do his history or English homework or just sitting and reading quietly while Alex worked laboriously over his math, the one subject Spike had no clue on, they had brought the two closer and closer. Guiltily, Spike had started to see Alex as a totally different person than his Xander and he found he even liked the changes that separated the boy from who he used to be.
Of course, whenever he saw the small glimpses of Xander within him, his heart would melt all the more.
He wanted the boy, alright. More and more each day, until it was all he dreamed about, all he thought about. But Alex was just a baby. Having helped raise him for the past five years, he just couldn’t get past that fact. Shouldn’t, either. Fourteen was much too young to get involved with a Master vampire.
It was unbearable, but it was the truth. He had no business whatsoever touching the boy.
Clenching his teeth, he stepped away from the soft touch and muttered, “Can’t, Alex.” Closing his eyes, he breathed in deeply and shook his head to clear it. “We need to get you home, almost past dinner time,” he said softly, not looking at the boy.
The barely suppressed hiss made his eyes jerk up to the boy’s face, his furious face, dark eyes narrowed and blazing as he shoved past Spike, spitting back at him, “Don’t bother, Will. I’ll tell her you’re still sleepin’.”
Spike stood frozen, flinching at the sound of the front door slamming shut, as his hands started shaking wildly. He couldn’t do this. He shouldn’t be expected to do this. Had loved the boy for decades, even before he had existed. Loved his Xander with an all-consuming need, a love that had transcended to the boy wearing his face, bearing his soul.
How could he be expected to not touch him, want him, need him? But he was. Couldn’t live with himself if he hurt the boy, took too much, too soon. So fuckin’ young.
Trying to calm his shaking hands, Spike grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it over his head, yanking on a pair of socks and his boots. He grabbed his bomber jacket from the back of the kitchen chair and slipped it on as he picked up his keys and headed for the door.
No matter how pissed his boy would be when he showed up, he couldn’t let him walk home at night by himself. Even with the Hellmouth closed, in an eerie parallel to his last life, the kid was still a bloody demon magnet, of the non-human and human kind.
---
The next couple of months crawled by tensely. Alex stopped coming over after school, unless it was because Willow sent him over for some reason. Even then, he just recited what he was supposed to tell or ask him and left, though Red could’ve easily used the phone. Spike figured she noticed the tension and distance between them and was trying not too subtly to bridge it.
He could tell by her eyes sometimes that she was fully aware how hard it was for him, all of it. Occasionally, it got to her too, Xander did. And she would show up in the middle of the day while Alex was at school and break down in his arms, sobbing, and they would spend hours talking about the boy he had been and the man he had been becoming.
She wouldn’t let him distance himself from all of them, wouldn’t let him stay away, even for the boy’s sake. So with Alex not coming over to his place, Spike found himself spending more and more time over at Giles’ than he ever had before.
They never talked. Ever. Just the sight of the boy made Spike’s throat close up, knowing that Alex wanted him as much as he wanted the dark haired teenager was agonizing and chipped at his self-control. The looks between them got hotter and longer as the weeks passed, until Spike could feel that dark gaze burning on his skin every time the boy looked his way.
They moved carefully around each other, as if afraid to touch, afraid they would break down if skin touched skin. It was unbearable.
Sprawled out in his bed, staring moodily up at the ceiling, Spike sighed in frustration. It couldn’t go on much longer, neither of them could live with the tension, the longing and need. His demon was on his back constantly now, urging him to take the boy, already. Claim him again. Need him, need him.
Last night, he had come so close, so close to giving in. To shoving the boy over the counter and just fuckin’ taking him, right in his mother’s kitchen, with his family in the next room.
He had gone in to put his plate in the sink, not knowing that Alex was in there alone. As soon as he had stepped into the small room, he had known it was a mistake and tried to back out again before the boy saw him. At the sharp hitch in Alex’s breath and the way he stood frozen, Spike knew resignedly that the boy had felt him.
Trying to keep his calm façade, he had walked over to the sink and set down the plate, before turning to the boy. He hadn’t known what he was going to say to him, and never got a chance to really say anything.
Huge luminous brown eyes, aching eyes, eyes that were way too old and way too young. Flushed cheeks that Spike had had a feeling hadn’t been flushed until he walked into the room, tanned skin over his jaw flexing like he’s clenching his teeth to keep from saying something… begging something.
Unable to stop himself, Spike had stepped closer, reaching out a shaky hand to stroke over the heated skin of Alex’s cheek, watching those dark eyes close as the boy’s breath hitched again. “Please…” he had whimpered out, voice breathless and hoarse, going straight to Spike’s cock, swelling it against his tight jeans.
And he couldn’t not. As if pulled by a string, he had stepped another step closer, another step farther off the path. His breath ghosting over Alex’s lips, lips he remembered the feel of, the taste of, lips he would know blindfolded, yet had never touched, he gave in, leaning down the tiniest bit more, until the only thing between their lips was the heat rising off of the boy’s. Shivering against him, panting and trying to hold still, Alex had raised his mouth up to meet his, barely touching, not even enough to be called a touch and then…
“Hey William, bring the cake in when you come back and I’ll start us all some coffee.”
He fuckin’ hated his sire. And since when did he eat and drink human food? Stupid Buffy.
Jerking away from the boy pressed up against him, he had panted harshly. Alex’s black eyes, eyes dilated with lust and need, had flown open and the boy had sobbed once, before biting down on his quivering lower lip to suppress the others.
Before Spike could say anything to him, he had whirled and ran out of the room, going out the back. Shaking, Spike had dropped heavily into a chair and tried to breathe, not that he needed to but thinking that it might ease the terrible tightness in his chest.
Hadn’t helped. Nothing had and eventually he had left, ignoring his sire’s knowing gaze, understanding gaze. Ponce would have had to have been dust to not have smelled the lust pouring out of the kitchen.
Flipping over with a sigh, Spike closed his eyes. He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he knew he had to do something. They couldn’t keep on like this.
When he heard the sound of his front door being unlocked, he blinked and glanced over at the clock. Four A.M. What in the world was the boy doing walking around at four o’clock in the morning, coming over here when he knew Spike would be getting ready for bed?
He hadn’t seen him since their almost-kiss last night, had stayed away that night.
Sitting up, he reached for the jeans he had pulled off about twenty minutes ago, wanting to at least be half-dressed before Alex came in. He had them tugged up and halfway buttoned when the knock came on his bedroom door, the boy opening it before he could reach it.
Opening his mouth to lecture the kid about walking around before dawn, he stopped at the scent of tears. What the fuck? Eyes roving over the boy concernedly, he saw the disheveled hair, sleepy eyes, red-rimmed with half-dried tracks of tears down his flushed cheeks.
“Alex?” he asked slowly, reaching toward the boy. He gaped when Alex flinched away, never having had the boy not want his touch before.
“I can’t do this anymore,” the boy rasped out almost silently. “I hate that you won’t let me near you, let me touch you.”
“Alex…” he started, voice strained with the knowledge of just why he couldn’t.
“No, you don’t fuckin’ understand, Will! You don’t listen. You think I’m some kind of horny kid who doesn’t know what he wants, just has his hormones totally out of wack. You’re gonna fuckin’ listen to me this time,” Alex snapped out, slamming the bedroom door closed, rolling his eyes at Spike’s wary look. “I’m not gonna molest you, damn it.”
“Well, wot is it then? Why’re you here at four in the morning, upset?” he asked, forcibly holding his hands down at his sides so he wouldn’t reach for the boy again.
Alex started pacing, face flushing even more, and Spike flinched at the Xander-ish way the boy was acting. Gone was his cocky confidence, his brash openness. The boy was uneasy and uncomfortable, scared, but was bravely trying to come up with a way to say whatever it was he needed to say without coming across as a total idiot.
It hurt.
Then Alex was turning back towards him, eyes bright with a pain that made Spike forget all about his and he took a step towards the distraught boy but Alex shook his head.
“I dream about you, did you know that? Every night. I wake up screaming your name sometimes, bawling like a baby. Some dreams are filled with blood and death, so scary that I can’t sleep right for days after. But,” he bit out, turning away from Spike’s shocked face, “not all the dreams are bad. Some are very, very good. I feel things, do things… that I hadn’t known were possible. I know how you taste, Will… Spike. I know how you taste everywhere, how you feel moving over me, inside of me. It’s all so perfect, so god damned beautiful, that it hurts. Aches.”
He glanced up again, taking in the vampire’s paler than normal face, his pain-filled eyes.
“After those dreams, I wake up crying for a different reason, aching for you so badly that I can’t fuckin’ breathe. I don’t know what’s goin’ on, Will, but I’m so damn scared. It’s not fair that I know this, feel this, know what it’s like to be loved by you and then have to see you every day, unable to go near you. I don’t even fuckin’ care that it might not be me you care about. I can’t deal with that now. I just know I can’t do this. I can’t- If you won’t-” his voice caught, choking on the words. “If you won’t let me close to you, then just stay away from me. It fuckin’ hurts too much.”
Spike’s eyes glittered, too caught up in the ultimatum to acknowledge the terrible pain that the memories of their past put inside the boy. He stalked forward, making Alex back up at the expression on his face until the boy’s legs touched the bed and he fell backwards across it.
Leaning down, he fisted a hand in the lush black hair, yanking back Alex’s head as the boy gasped in pain. “Is this what you want, pretty little boy? My body over yours, taking what I want without any consideration to you? You have no fuckin’ idea,” he bit out, voice hard, his face mere inches from the panting boy’s, “how dangerous it is to provoke me.”
Rubbing his hard cock lewdly against Alex’s shivering belly, he rocked into him, smiling cruelly at the shudder of fear from the boy. “Are you ready for this, Alex? Ready for me to part those long legs of yours, drive myself into your hot little body?” he purred out, wincing inside but trying to make it clear to the boy that as much as he thought he was ready, he was still a child, emotionally and physically. Because without Alex to stop him, he was so dangerously close to the edge that he could go under any moment. Stop me, baby, please stop me.
“Stop…” he finally sobbed out, struggling, eyes wide and tear-filled. “You know this isn’t what I want.”
“Its not? Seems to me it’s what you’ve been beggin’ for. Let me know when you figure out what you want, little virgin,” Spike mocked cruelly, letting go of the boy and turning away from the bed.
“Fuck you,” Alex snapped, shaking with fear and shame. “None of this is my fault, damn it. I can’t help it that I feel this way, I can’t control it.” With his voice quavering that way, he sounded no older than he had when Spike had first met him five years ago and it made the scene on the bed even more unbearable for him.
Forcing himself not to turn around, eyes filling with hot tears of self-hatred at the words the scared and confused boy panted out, he heard Alex move towards the door. He wanted to hold him, comfort him, tell him he did care, did need him, always had… but he didn’t dare.
Turning back to him once he was at the door, Alex ground out, “Don’t worry, I won’t bother you again. There are plenty of guys at school who’d love to have a go at me. Maybe after I’ve been fucked a few times, this,” he motioned between them, “won’t matter so fuckin’ much.”
Spike snapped.
Before Alex could take another step, Spike had him up against the wall, yellow eyes in a demon face boring down into him, snarling out, “Don’t fuckin’ push me, boy. Don’t push me.”
The boy’s face paled, brown eyes huge in his face, as he stared up at the demon holding him to the wall. It was one thing to know someone close to you was a vampire; it was another thing entirely to see it.
Feeling the slight body against his tremble, Spike smiled grimly down at Alex’s shocked face through a mouthful of fangs. Releasing him and stepping backwards, he said roughly, “This is who I am, Alex. And you aren’t ready for this, yet.”
With shaking fingers, the boy bravely reached up to stroke his fingertips lightly over the demonic planes of his face, making Spike smother a purr of pleasure.
“I know who you are, Will. And I love you.” Soft, aching words, words that made him close his eyes in helpless wonder and sharp pain, his face smoothing back to human. Biting back the sob that wanted to come from his throat, he opened his eyes to stare down at the beautiful tear-streaked face of the boy in front of him.
“I love you, too, pet. God help me, I do. Which is why we can’t bloody do this,” he whispered.
When Alex’s eyes filled and dropped bleakly, his shoulders slumping, Spike pulled the dejected boy into his arms, kissing the silky black hair that tumbled down over his forehead. Closing his eyes, he held him like that for a few moments, reveling in the feel and smell of the boy, smiling sadly when Alex’s arms came around his back to clutch at him tightly.
He rocked him, his boy, comforting him silently, letting him feel how much he cared about him. Steeling himself, he backed up, knowing he had to let go, and gripped the boy’s chin in a cool, hard hand, tilting it up so that he could look down into those dark eyes.
“You know I care about you, right? More than anything on this bloody planet,” he asked quietly, and Alex bit his bottom lip and nodded, a last, silent tear rolling down his cheek. Spike wiped away the little bead with his thumb, feeling his chest tighten unbearably.
He smiled down at the boy and Alex smiled back bravely, a bit quivery but still a smile. “Go on home, pet. Your mum will be in soon to wake you up for school, don’t want to give her a scare, yeah?”
Alex nodded, jaw flexing as he clenched his teeth, and Spike could feel the ache coming off of the boy.
Unable to say anything else, he followed him to the front door, as far as he could since the sun was slowly rising. As Alex opened the door, he whispered out, “Love you, Alex,” and saw the boy freeze, before continuing outside.
The whispered, “I love you too, asshole,” made him grin and then the door closed and the boy was gone.
Leaving Spike to fall down to his knees and sob out the agony of knowing his Xander was still in there, somewhere, knowing it was hurting the boy so much that he didn’t dare to sleep… feeling his heart almost burst from the joy of it, mingled with the deep pain at the thought of losing him again.
Neither of them could bear it any longer, the closeness when they couldn’t touch, show their love. It was agony, pure and simple. Torture.
So, when Alex showed up the next evening to invite him to dinner, he wasn’t that surprised to find a note telling him goodbye. Not surprised, but hurt, so hurt and devastated. It was hours before he was able to pick himself up off the floor and make his way back home.
Days before he could stand hearing William’s name. Weeks before he stopped being furious.
And it was a month after, that the first of many gifts and postcards arrived for him. Nothing big, just a box of chocolates from Germany and a silly postcard with the words, “Know how much you love them. Thinking of you, W.”
Even longer before the first short, but agonizingly sweet, phone call.
Chapter Four
“Alex! Phone!”
Scowling, Alex paused his game and sighed. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, hadn’t really, for weeks. At least with his family, he didn’t have to pretend everything was fine, they knew it wasn’t. Although, how much they knew, he wasn’t sure. Sometimes, he had a feeling they knew a lot more than even he did.
It was quite embarrassing, having your mothers, grandfathers and both sets of aunts and uncles looking at you sympathetically because the love of your life couldn’t bear to even be in the same damn country as you.
He wasn’t sure how everyone knew, either, he sure hadn’t said anything. But they did. Thankfully, though, none of them tried to talk to him about it. He just couldn’t.
Reaching for the cordless phone on his nightstand, he punched the ‘talk’ button and yelled down, “Okay, Mom, I’ve got it.”
Putting it to his ear, he waited for the beep of her hanging up before he said anything. Parents…never knew when they’d sneak and try to listen in.
“Yeah?”
“Is that any way to answer a phone?”
…
“Alex? Ya there, pet?”
His throat closed up, eyes welling… that voice, that damned, hated, so fuckin’ loved voice. Sounding like absolutely nothing had happened, as if he hadn’t been gone for three miserable months without one word. Well, spoken word. The postcards still came every couple of weeks, making him cling to the hope that the damned vampire wouldn’t go off and forget him.
“Alex? What’s wrong?”
“Stupid bastard!” he finally choked out, hitting the ‘talk’ button again fiercely, pissed that he couldn’t just slam the phone down and deafen the prick.
Chest heaving, biting hard into his fist to keep his mom from hearing the sobs coming from his throat, he glared daggers at the phone when it started chirping again. Snatching it up before someone else answered, he snarled into it, “What?”
“Alex…” Will’s husky voice growled out warningly, causing heat to swell and burn in his belly even as his whole body shook trying to suppress the sobs.
He tried hard to speak, to yell and curse at the vampire, but all that came out was a choked hiccup-y whimper, a sound that made him cringe even as it burst the dam inside him, letting tears start streaming down his face.
“Pet? Aw fuck, please don’t cry, Alex. Fuck. ‘M sorry, should go. Didn’t mean to upset you, luv,” he heard Will say, voice soft and sad.
The thought of him hanging up and not calling back again made a harsh sob escape from his throat and the vampire started cursing again.
“Shit. Pet, please, please don’t do this to me. Don’t cry like this when I can’t be there to hold ya. You’re breakin’ my heart, ‘ere,” he pleaded roughly.
Making an effort to will the tears away, Alex scrubbed at his face and breathed in, not wanting Will to think he was a baby who couldn’t handle the separation. Even though he couldn’t.
“You left me!” he choked out, and winced, because that had so not been what he was going to say.
A deep sigh, and then, “I had to, Alex. You know that.”
“Still fuckin’ sucks.”
A smothered laugh. “Yeah, it does. Christ, it’s so good to hear your voice, pet.”
“I…I really miss you, Will,” he whispered, gripping the phone so tightly that his fingers were aching.
“I miss you, too, luv. So fuckin’ much.” He could hear the tears in Will’s voice now and it made it just a little easier to bear, knowing the vampire hated it as much as he did.
There were a few moments of silence, then Alex mumbled out, “Sorry I made it to where you had to leave, Will.”
“Ahh baby, I’d smack ya if I could reach ya for that. You didn’t make me leave, my own lack of control did that,” the blonde groaned into his ear, making his cheeks flush at being called ‘baby’, something the vampire only did when his guard was way down.
“But if I hadn’t-” he started, only to get cut off by a low growl.
“Stop. Listen and listen good, Alex. What happened was not your fault. It would have happened, anyway. It was inevitable, luv.”
“Too hot for you to resist, huh?” he teased, ignoring the ‘inevitable’ part, the same feeling he got from his family when they looked at him lately. As if his destiny was written out somewhere and everyone could see it but him.
A low muffled groan that made him smile wickedly, and then, “You have noo fuckin’ idea, boy.”
He laughed, feeling himself relax for the first time in months.
“Listen, luv, I need to go now, just wanted to call and check up on ya,” he heard a second later, and oh look! There went the relaxed, happy feeling.
“Will, are you gonna call again?” he got out before he could stop himself from pleading with the vampire.
“Ya want me to?”
“Fuck, yeah. Of course I do.”
“’Ow bout every other Friday?”
He sighed, wanting every night, hours and hours a night, but it was more than he had been expecting so he agreed, “Yeah, great.”
“You still have the keys to my place?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Just go over there after school every other Friday and I’ll call. Not sure what time cuz fuck knows where I’ll be, but I’ll call before dark so you can get home. Just want to talk to ya without everyone there.”
Alex grinned, a look in his eyes that would have made Will backtrack frantically if he had seen it, and purred out, “Sounds good.”
Will laughed, replying, “Oh Christ, I know that voice. Get those dirty thoughts outa your head. Gonna be the death of me, he is.”
Snickering, Alex closed his eyes, clinging to the last few moments he would have, knowing they would have to hang up any minute.
Will sighed, “So. Two weeks, then?”
“Yeah,” he choked out, not daring to breathe.
“Now don’t go starting that again. Smile for me, pet.”
He tried, sighing out, “Gonna miss you so bad.”
“Always miss you, luv. I gotta go now. Love me?”
“Always. Love me?”
“You’ve got no idea, pet. No idea.”
Click.
---
“Hey.”
“’Lo, pet. How was school?”
“Borinnggg. How’s uh.. Europe?”
“Asia. Pretty nice. Good food.”
…
“What’s wrong, ya seem down.”
“Nothing, Will. Really. Just missing you.”
“Mm-hmm, what’s really buggin’ you?”
“I hate when you do that.”
“I know. Now, out with it.”
Grumbling. “Angel and Buffy were over last night. I called him ‘Deadboy’ and everyone about passed out. Everyone knows something, Will, including you. I don’t understand what’s going on and I fuckin’ hate it that no one will tell me!”
A trembling sigh, and “Alex…”
“See! It even affects you like that! Is it something to do with my dreams, Will? Of you havin’ white hair insteada blonde?”
“I can’t tell you, luv. You have to come up with it all on your own, I can’t force you to.”
A low growl, then, “Fuck you. You’re the same as the rest of them. I thought you cared more about me than they did, Will. But… Fuck. I’ll talk to you in a couple weeks, I can’t talk now.”
“Alex, damn it!”
Click.
---
“Hey.”
“I oughta turn you over my knee.”
Snickering. “Yeah, you should. Come over and do it.”
“You’d like that wouldn’t you… My hand fallin’ on that perfect little ass of yours, turning it all pink for me.”
“What the fuck! Will!”
“Well, stop teasin, ya brat. Turned ya on, din’t it.”
“Bastard.”
“Knew it.”
A snort, choked laugh. His face flaming red, he waited for Will to say something else, change the subject. Much as he wanted him, he was still pretty shy about it all.
“Over your little tantrum, then?”
He grumbled. “No, I still wish someone would tell me what’s goin’ on so I don’t feel totally crazy all the time.”
Low sigh. “I wish I could, Alex. So much. It’s healthier for you to work it out on your own, though. What’s happenin’ now?”
“Gah…I don’t know. I’m seeing things while I’m awake now, not just dreamin’. Demons that aren’t even in Grampa Rupert’s books, Buffy killing vampires… how crazy is that? A little girl that looks so much like mom. Mom and Oz kissing. There’s just a lot of crazy stuff that keeps flashing in front of my eyes, Will.”
Silence.
“Will? Don’t you go all weird on me, too.”
“Sorry, Alex. I’m here. How does seeing all that make you feel?”
A snort he can’t suppress. “Am I going to have to start paying you by the hour?”
“Cheeky brat, you really are askin’ for that spankin’, aren’t ya?”
Low moan he hoped that the vampire couldn’t hear, but from the amused laugh, he knew he had.
“Makes me feel sad. And happy. I don’t know, Will.”
“S’alright, luv. You should prolly get home now, before it gets dark.”
He sighed. “You need to start calling sooner so we can talk longer.”
“I would, but the more I talk to you, the more I want to come and get ya.”
“Works for me!”
A husky laugh in his ear, making him shiver. “Yeah, me too, luv. Too bad your mum wants you to graduate high school.”
“Yeah, yeah. Talk to you in a couple weeks, Will.”
“’Kay pet. Love ya.”
“Love you, Will.”
Click.
---
The months passed, postcards and gifts coming erratically, but the twice a month phone calls coming religiously. Will was there for every major thing that happened in his life, if only by phone.
They didn’t always get along, and more than one call ended with the phone of one or the other being thrown across the room, but neither missed the next call. Sometimes, Alex thought they were the only things keeping him sane.
He was almost sixteen now and the dreams and daydreams just kept getting more and more vivid, until he couldn’t separate reality from fantasy some days. His mother started getting dark circles under her eyes from the nights he woke screaming and everyone treated him like he was about to break at any moment.
Only Will still treated him like he was normal, but even the vampire got quiet a lot when Will told him some of the things he saw. So he tried to not mention it, keeping it all filed away in the back of his mind.
His conversations with Will were too priceless and precious to mar with the pain and confusion he felt when talking about his dreams.
“Hey!”
“Oh, someone is in a good mood today.”
“What, I’m not allowed to be happy to talk to you?”
“Ya better be! So, how’s life, then?”
“Nothing like it would be if you were here.”
“Sweet boy.”
“S’true.”
“So what would it be like if I was there?” in a low purring growl that went straight to Alex’s groin.
“Fuck.”
“No, I think you’re still a bit young for that,” amusement apparent in the soft voice. “Other things, however…”
“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?”
A low laugh, along with a smothered moan.
“Oh my God! Are you jerkin’ off on the phone with me?”
Another laugh. “I don’t know, are you ‘jerking off’, too?”
“That’s not what I meant!” That wasn’t a squeak. Honestly, it wasn’t.
“It could be.”
Oh fuck, that voice, sultry and seductive and since when did he start using words like sultry?
“Will…” No, that wasn’t a moan, it was an exasperated groan.
“Are you hard, baby?”
Oh fuck. Fuck. His whole body flushed, belly tightening and trembling.
“I am now,” he growled out, whining.
Husky laugh, he could listen to that laugh forever.
“Good.”
“Will…don’t tease me.”
“What makes you think I’m teasin’, luv?”
“I’m still fifteen! You said-”
“Oh fuck that. I’m not touchin’ ya, am I? Half a world away, aren’t I?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Not a saint, Alex. Never confuse me for one because I’m trying to let you grow up, pet.”
“Thank God,” with a small snicker.
“You ever touch yourself at night and think of me?”
“Will!”
“Oh come on, you’ve asked me worse.”
“You know I do.”
“Touch yourself for me now?”
A small whimper. “Will…”
“Pretend it’s me. Unbuttoning your jeans, sliding my hand down inside.”
“Fuck, Will,” he moaned out, shivering as his own hand took the path the vampire was laying out for him.
“Feel good, luv?”
“Uhhum..”
“Good. Now pull out your dick for me, pet.”
“Gah, Will.”
“You blushing, luv?” Gentle laughter.
“Noo… yeah, a little.”
“So hot when ya do. Want to stop, baby?”
“Fuck no!”
Will laughed. “Wrap your hand around it for me, Alex. Can you feel me touching you? Stroking you. You’re so hot in my hand, pet.”
He whimpered, the husky accented voice in his ear sending jolts of pleasure to the hard cock in his fist. Will moaned and it made him shiver, closing his eyes and pretending it was the vampire’s cool hand on him and not his own.
The soft purring voice in his ear led his every movement, his hand moving as if it were controlled only by that accented husky voice thousands of miles away. Soon it was all he could do to keep holding on to the phone, as his imagination, Will’s voice and his hand combined to make him a sweaty, thrashing mess on the cool sheets of Will’s bed.
“Please, please,” he choked out, as Will told him to tug harder, faster, panting and moaning in his ear as he too neared the edge.
“Fuckin’ beautiful ya are, perfect, Alex. Want you to come for me, baby, want to hear you,” he rasped out, and Alex shuddered, his back arching and legs tightening as that drove him over. Bright lights exploded into tons of colors behind his tightly closed eyes, and he cried out Will’s name helplessly, as his body convulsed.
“Oh, Christ,” Will moaned out and Alex heard him give a choked shout, muffled but enough to let him know that Will had came with him. It was almost enough to make him hard again.
They both panted into the phone for another couple of minutes, before Alex had to rush home and sneak upstairs before his mother noticed his stained clothes. It was the first of many such phone calls, as Alex got older.
But not every call was happy and fun, because Will soon discovered all that he had been keeping from him when he called to check up on Willow and she told him about all the nightmares and confusion he had been having.
So, after a huge and heated fight about how they couldn’t have any kind of meaningful relationship if Alex didn’t let him know about things that were hurting and upsetting him, Alex agreed grudgingly to go back to telling Will about the things messing with his mind.
And then it happened.
“Mm, ‘lo?”
“Alex? What’re you still doin’ there, pet? It’s late. Got held up by some slimey git and couldn’t call sooner. Was spectin’ you to be home by now.”
“Fell sleep,” he mumbled out, eyes still closed, phone held loosely in his grasp.
“Adorable, ya are. Dreamin’ anything special?”
“Mmm… do you remember the first time we made love, Spike?”
Silence.
Then, “Alex, luv?”
“We had been patrolling, me, Buffy n Wills. I kept seein’ you, followin’, but when I turned to look, you’d be gone. After I walked the girls back and took off, you slammed me up against the wall of the alley, member, Spike? Wanted you so bad, couldn’t tell you to stop. But you did, didn’t want to take me like that. Drug me back to your place, least it had a bed. Needed you so bad, sweetheart. You remember? I was crying after and you thought you’d hurt me, was about to leave, all upset, but I told you I loved you. You din’t believe me, though, for months. Silly. Spike? You okay, you’re awful quiet.”
“A-Alex?”
“Spike? Are you crying? What’s wrong?”
“Xander?”
“Spike? I- Will? What’s goin’ on, Will? Oh fuck. Fuck. Will, I’m scared,” chest tight, head spinning. Hyperventilating.
“Oh shit. Alex, calm down for me, baby. Just breathe, baby. Come on, breathe for me.”
“Can’t-Can’t, Will. What’s happening to me?” he screamed hoarsely, his whole life flashing before his eyes, and then another one, all jumbled up and twisted until he had to drop the phone and put the pillow over his head to control the spinning.
He stayed that way until he felt a warm hand, shaking hand, stroking his back and someone gently tugged away the pillow.
“M-Mom?”
“Hey, honey. Will called me, said you needed me. What happened, honey?” she asked quietly, eyes huge and scared as she took in his condition.
“I-I remember. Some things.. it’s all confused, I don’t know who I am, anymore. I don’t know which life is which, am I real, mom?”
“Oh, baby. Of course, you’re real!” She hugged him to her tightly, rocking him, and he shook and clung to her.
“Am I dead?”
She froze. “Alex?”
“Just tell me! Please. I already remember so much, it isn’t going to hurt anything to just answer a couple of questions.”
“Xander died. But you, you’re very much alive.”
“Am I Xander?”
“Do you feel like you are?”
“Mom, please!”
“I can’t answer that, honey, because I just don’t know. You are his soul, yes. I wasn’t expecting you to become a different person, but please, we love you so much, don’t ever feel we don’t. I love you both.”
He wiped away the tears on her face and hugged her close. “We both love you, too. I’m still gonna call you Mom, even when I remember it all. You’ll always be my mom and my best friend.”
She smiled and laughed, through her tears, and reached down to pick up the phone he had dropped. Turning it off, they only waited a few seconds before it was ringing. She answered and Alex snickered as he heard the frantic vampire yelling.
His vampire. His Will, Spike. Always his.
Things were gonna be okay.
Chapter Five
Ignoring all the laughing and nudging going on around him, Alex kept looking around at the huge number of people watching the ceremony. He said he’d be here, so he’s here, somewhere.
Probably hiding out near the back, because with his eyesight, he could see a lot better than Alex could. He sighed. Would have to wait until it was over to see him.
He’d waited almost four years, what was another hour or two? Shaking his head, he sighed again. Who was he kidding? Another hour or two would drive him up the wall. His hands were already sweating, his knees were shaking and his belly had so many butterflies, he wouldn’t be surprised if he started floating out of his hard metal chair.
And not because he was nervous over graduating high school. Wasn’t like he had never done it before.
Their phone call last night had been intense, the kind where he could barely breathe the whole time they were on the phone. The knowledge that Will’s self-enforced exile was up and he was coming for him made his heart pound in his chest and his head go fuzzy.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this, luv?”
“Of course I am. I’ve been ready for years.”
“Not talkin’ bout sex, you horny buggar. Well, not only about sex.”
“Neither was I! Okay, I was, but it’s all your fault! What else, then?”
Muffled laughter, then a seriousness he rarely heard from the vampire. “Pet, you do realize that the night I come back to you, you won’t be human the next day, right?”
He gulped. He was ready, he was. It was just… “That soon?”
“I can’t go through it again, luv. I can’t do it. I can wait as long as you need, but the next time I see you, it’s gonna be forever, baby.”
“I want forever right now, Spike.”
“You’re sure?”
Rolling his eyes, he had to laugh. “Yeesss, I’m sure. Absolutely, positively, without a doubt sure that I want to spend forever with you. Even if it means watching my family die, I can’t make it without you, Will. And hey, who wouldn’t want to be eighteen forever?”
A pause, then, “Oh shit!”
“What? What’s wrong, Xan?”
“I won’t be able to drink!”
“What?”
“I’ll be eighteen forever, I’ll never be twenty-one!”
“Git.”
“Hey, that’s a serious issue, buster!”
“Git.”
He laughed, his heart feeling lighter than he could ever remember it feeling.
“I love you, y’know?”
“Love you too, pet. So bloody much it scares me.”
“So uh… are we gonna tell mom first or am I just gonna run around soulless and evil having all kinds of fun?”
He could practically hear Spike rolling his eyes. “Of course we’re gonna bloody tell your mother. Not that she doesn’t already know. Fell in love with your soul twice over, didn’t I? Why would I try to get rid of it?”
“Whew. Cuz, I kinda like it, too.”
“Wanker.”
“Only when you make me!”
“Oh, shove off.” He could hear the suppressed laughter, though.
“Sure you wanna put up with me for eternity?”
“Christ, yes.”
He sighed, happily for once. Then looked at the clock and sighed again.
“Damn, I have to get up early for all the shit before graduation. You still coming? It’ll be dark ‘n all.”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Not like I haven’t done it before, but still.”
“Alex, hush. I’m so very proud of ya and I’m bloody coming and then I’m taking ya back to our place and fuckin’ ya till ya can’t move for days. Alright?”
He gulped again, face flushing hotly. “Uh huh.”
“You blushin’?”
“Uh huh.”
“Bloody adorable. See ya tomorrow night, luv.”
“Night, sweetheart. Love you.”
“Love you too, pet.”
Alex blinked, realizing his row was standing up. He had just daydreamed through his whole graduation. He grinned. Didn’t mind at all.
Least it was almost over now. He felt the tingles up and down his spine as he thought about afterwards, the though of dying again making him a bit queasy but worth it, so fuckin’ worth it, to be with Spike forever. The tingles warmed up when he thought about what else the vampire had promised him for tonight.
He glared hotly at the line of kids in front of him, wanting them to move faster, get this charade over with. He had the rest of his life to embrace, didn’t want to spend another moment in this place.
And then it was over.
His mother was hugging him and crying, there were people taking pictures everywhere, and he was surrounded by family. Dawn was pressing his palm to her belly to feel the babies kicking, when he heard the purred voice behind him.
“Bit havin’ puppies?”
She growled playfully, as Alex straightened, shaking, to turn around. Everyone went silent, or maybe it was just that his head shut out everything but the beautiful sight in front of him.
Golden hair, tear-bright blue eyes, snug faded jeans and a black t-shirt, Spike was the most gorgeous man he had even seen. And then those perfect lips quivered once before curving up into a smile and his heart just totally bottomed out.
Willow clenched his hand hard, once, and then slowly let go. His eyes flickered to hers and she smiled tremulously, nodding, and he took a step towards Will. One step was all he needed, because he was suddenly yanked hard up against the vampire’s firm chest, strong arms wrapped tightly around him as they clung, neither daring to even breathe in fear that it was somehow a dream.
There was laughter and some cheers in the background, but for them, everything else just faded away. Almost two decades of pain were wiped clean by the tight embrace, fingers digging in, heads buried in each other’s necks to hide the tears they just couldn’t hold in, shouldn’t have expected to hold in.
When they regained control of their emotions, they lifted their heads, both laughing softly as they wiped each other’s eyes. With Spike’s strong grip around his waist, they turned back to their family and everyone came up to hug them, knowing that they wanted to be gone as soon as possible.
It was a bit embarrassing for Alex, feeling like a bride on her wedding night with the knowing looks passing between everyone, but at least he had some memories of past times to make it a bit easier on his nerves.
When everyone had had their turn, they looked over at Willow and Spike motioned her over, to hug her so tightly she squeaked. “I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me, Red. I owe you more than I could ever repay you. Just know I’ll take care of him, yeah? Love him more than my life.”
“I know, Spike. I could never hand him off to anyone else.” She turned to Alex, cupping his cheek in her hand. “My baby. I love you, so much. Both of you. I’ve got the Orb, and Spike will call when I’m needed. Who knows, maybe you can talk Spike or Angel into turning Tara and I if we ever decide we’re ready. Eternity with this family, I could get used to the idea.”
Xander laughed, feeling his heart swell even more. Spike yanked her forward to kiss her lightly on the forehead. “Would be an honor for either of us, Red. If you ever decide.”
Goodbyes said, Spike led Alex to his car and the rest of the trip home was made in silence, their hands in an unbreakable clasp between them on the seats. His nervousness mounted with every mile closer to the house and Spike just smirked at him, shaking his head.
“All that teasing you’ve done over the years and you’re gettin’ cold feet now?” he said as he pulled the car into the parking lot behind the apartments. “Not cold feet. Just nerves. I’ll be okay when you kiss me.”
Spike groaned, tugging him closer as they walked to the building. “We still haven’t done that, have we?”
“Hard to believe, isn’t it?”
He laughed, unlocking the door and leading Alex inside. “Fuck, it’s so good to be home.”
“Always did feel like home to me. Even when I didn’t remember. Just cuz it was yours.”
“Ours. Was always ours,” Will said, turning to face him and pulling him close. “Do you have any idea how much I need you right now?”
He was sure his eyes glazed, they must have because Spike smirked and nodded. “Yeah, I see you do.”
A cool hand came up to lift his chin, bringing their mouths closer, and it was all he could do not to break out into shivers and melt into a puddle of mush before they even touched. So long, so fuckin’ long, he’d waited for this.
Then Spike’s mouth was on his, cool and sweet and firm and… his mind went blank as he felt the first brush of the vampire’s tongue against his. So good, so fuckin’ good. Why hadn’t he known a simple kiss could be anything but simple?
A few more swipes of Spike’s tongue against his and he felt his knees buckle. How embarrassing. But damn, that tongue was lethal!
The blonde chuckled into his mouth, making him moan at the slight vibrations, and at the small sound from his throat, he felt Spike stiffen and yank him closer, holding him up, tightly against him.
Devouring. That was the only word that could describe what the vampire was doing to his mouth. All Alex could do was hold on tight and give in to the incredible sensations, feeling tremors of pure pleasure skitter up and down his spine.
He didn’t remember them taking their shirts off, but his chest was pressed up against Spike’s cool one, naked one. And wow, wasn’t that an awesome feeling? Then fingers were ghosting over his nipples, plucking, then pinching lightly, and his knees buckled again. Shit. He whimpered as the electric shock of it went straight to his cock, which was already throbbing and hard, poking up into Spike’s. Which was another really nice sensation.
He hadn’t realized they were walking backwards, but the back of his legs hit the bed and he toppled backwards, déjà vu moment there, and then Spike was over him, pressing against him and any other thoughts flew out of his mind.
Lips sucking and biting gently at his neck, as hands worked frantically at his jeans and he lifted his hips a bit to help, hissing as it put more pressure on his aching dick. Then they were open, cool hands on his hot, hot flesh and oh god, should anything feel that good?
His memories didn’t do it justice.
Whimpering, moaning, he arched up into the cool hands, shivering as a wet mouth and sharp teeth fastened over a throbbing nipple. He was being devoured. He found he quite enjoyed it and would never see the word the same way again.
His hands yanked desperately at Spike’s jeans, wanting him now, now, not another minute later. Waited too long already, need it.
Apparently, Spike felt the same, because he leaned up to help jerk his jeans down and off, hissing as their erections pressed against each other, hot and cool, but both throbbing and hard, slick and so, so soft against sensitive flesh. They both shuddered, hands grasping for any skin they could grab onto, eyes blind with the pleasure of it.
“Can’t wait any longer, sorry luv, need you now,” Spike groaned out into his neck, rubbing against him and panting as Alex writhed underneath.
He gasped out, “Don’t b-be sorry, just fuckin’ do it already!” making Spike laugh against the pulse in his neck and rear back onto his knees. While Spike was reaching for the lube, Xander wiggled around to kick his jeans and socks the rest of the way off, sprawling back into the bed.
Within moments, the vampire was back over him, kissing him softly as slick fingers teased around the tight entrance to his body. When he relaxed enough for Spike, the blonde slowly inserted a finger, then two, as he gasped and panted under him. His body adjusted fast to the slow stretch and burn and when Spike hit that spot in him, he threw his head back and keened as his whole body shook.
Oh fuck, so that’s what he’d been missin’. Yeah, memories just didn’t amount to shit when it came to the real thing.
When he was begging hoarsely, body on fire with it, Spike finally, agonizingly slowly, entered him. And ow. Yeah. He breathed in, going still, waiting for the searing pain to fade as he knew it would. Ungh. Yeah, moving was good, too.
Fuck.
He almost wished for the pain back because with this bolt of pure electrifying pleasure every time Spike moved, there was just no way this was gonna last long. Then Spike swiveled his hips and hit his prostate again and Alex decided that it didn’t matter, anyway. They had eternity.
Within minutes, he was screaming and leaving claw marks down Spike’s back but he didn’t have it in him to care. He was on fire, his whole body ached and needed, and oh fuckin’ God, it was so good. Couldn’t breathe, breath was hitching embarrassingly but the vampire loved it, murmuring dirty and hot things into his ears until he was thrashing his head and his body locked up and oh god. Nothing ever felt so good. Surely, he was dead now because living through that? Not likely.
Then teeth buried deep in his throat and ow fuck, then wow… he didn’t remember that feeling so damn good, either. Each long pull from his neck went straight to his cock, making it hard again, pulse again, as his life slowly drained away. And it wasn’t scary, not like he’d thought. Maybe because he was coming again, so hard and fast that everything was spinning and light and faint… and then it faded dark and the last thing he felt was the cool burst within him that was Spike, coming deep inside, the last thing he tasted was the cool, thick iron-y taste of his lover’s blood, and the last thing he heard was a softly whispered, “Love ya so damn much, Alex. See you when ya wake up.”
Epilogue
“Any regrets?” He had felt Spike before he had entered the room and it made him smile, slightly, as he gazed out the window at the night.
“No. Forever with you? Everything I have ever wanted,” he answered his mate, his sire, as Spike pressed close behind him, wrapping his arms around him.
“Same here. Everything to me, Alex.”
He laughed, tilting his head backwards so he could see the blonde. “You always call me that, now. Are you afraid if you call me Xander, I’ll feel bad? Because I am Xander, Spike. As much as I am Alex.”
Pursing his lips, Spike leaned back and cocked his head. “Yeah, a bit, I don’t ever want you to feel like I regret you. I regret the death and the lost years, but I don’t regret Alex.”
“Mm, I know. S’ok, Spike. How bout Alexander?”
“Bit long to scream in bed, luv.”
“True.”
They laughed, and Alex turned away from the window to press his lips lightly to Spike’s. “Love you.”
“Love you, too, pet. Luv, Alex, Xander.”
“Dork.”
“Git.”
“Jerk.”
“Ponce.”
The End
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