Sundowning - Shatter
That's it! I've had enough. No really, I cannot stand another bloody second of such high levels of human twattle and lack of brains.
Two months, two long, boring, dull, patient and idiocy filled months! Can you believe that? And they haven't done a thing.
The Scoobs I mean. They just sit around and, basically, let her grind herself into the ground. Pretending she's okay, pretending she's healing and pretending they're doing the right thing by 'giving her the space she needs'.
In truth they're scared of her, what she's become. Powerful. Very very powerful. I should be scared of her. But I should be a lot of things.
I should be a hunter.
I should be a killer, stalker.
I should be able to feed where I will and be what I am.
But I'm not, so if I can't be those things than I won't be that other thing.
I miss Red. I really do, she was always such a hoot to be around. Ah..my little emotional duckling. I could just smile at her, or wave, maybe pass the odd comment that could be seen in so many different contexts.
She'd eep, or squeak..sometimes grab Buffy's hand. Even before they 'hooked up' she'd always dive behind Buffy when the ol' Spikester got to be too much to handle. Then again, with her ..mm..endurance 'Too much too handle' could be simply saying 'hi'.
Oh she was such a treasure. Really. A regular cornucopia of human reaction that I just loved to play with. Hhhmm..yes, in a way she was my favorite toy. Particularly, strangely enough, when she remembered she had a backbone.
When I first tried to chomp her, and discovered the bloody chip, she was strange. Being sympathetic, having a pleasant conversation with that, which seconds, before had been trying to eat her. She had it bad though. Actually seeking reaffirment of who she was from ..of all things..a vampire. Course her instincts caught up eventually and she brained me with a lamp.
You just don't get entertainment like that anymore.
For the last two months, I've gotten zilch, zip, nada..NOTHING from her. I've tried, in subtle ways, to sound her out, but a big fat zero has been my reward.
I swear I'm beginning to go through withdrawal!
Which is one reason I'm out and about this fair eve. I'm going to find her, I'm going to find Red, find Willow..and the two of us..are going to have a little chit chat.
It might even help her out a little. Crack that plug in her..whatever that's forcing herself to cut her own soul, deeper and deeper. Bleed the wound I will, break, bind and heal. That's me..a..kinder, gentler undead killing machine.
Nah, I'm just doing this for _FUN_.
And fun it will be, if I can just find the stupid bitch.
Hmphs..must be slippin' in your old age Spike. Should have checked here first. I mean, where else would she be really? Where else indeed but the grave.
Yes, yes.._the_ Grave. It's the only one around here that matters. Unless maybe there's a grave with a handy dandy De-Chip the Vampire gizmo in them somewhere. That kinda grave would matter too but I digress.
She's kneeling, again, by Buffy's grave..her tomb..ooohh spooky and very very sad. Where her bones lie..bones? Well..not quite yet. Give it about another few years and there's be bones heck yeah. Shush..shush shush now, we're approaching holy ground and I must be respectful. That's always easy for one of my breeding.
"Knock knock." I say rapping my fist on the top of Buffy's headstone. "Anybody home?"
"I heard you coming far away Spike." Red replies. She doesn't bother looking at me. Just keeps staring at Buffy's grave.
"Smell me too I imagine." I say and take a deep drag from my fag and blow the smoke in her direction. She doesn't flinch.
This is going to be so...good.
"Doesn't matter." I continue speaking. "Wasn't talking to you anyway. I was, in fact, striking up a conversation with my favorite Slayer here so I'll ask you to mind your own business."
"Buffy's dead." She says plainly.
"You don't say." I snap back. "But..don't you think she's up there somewhere?" I sweep my arm across the sky. "Looking down upon all her loved ones, with them, and you, in spirit if not in actual body?"
I grin. I would imagine it's not a pleasant one but I'm not a pleasant person. Thank God.
"Or is it more of a nature thing." I continue. "Returning to the Earth from which she sprang forth. Becoming part of the greater whole, part of all that is now around us. Like.." and I point. "That flower you're at this very moment crushing to death under your left knee."
She doesn't move. Doesn't even look at me.
She merely takes a deep breath and sighs. "Buffy's dead." She says again.
"We are in total agreement." I say back. I rest my forearms on the headstone and lean toward her until our faces are inches apart.
"But.." I say slowly, tasting each word. "You don't really believe that do you?" And I lightly poke her in the forehead with a finger.
That got her attention and she turns her eyes to mine.
It..takes quite a bit to get me nervous. I think she's beyond 'quite a bit' and then some. Eyes are the windows to the soul..I read that somewhere. Or was it a movie..anyway..
Eyes tell us lots. Like my eyes, when I let the demon out, have told many people 'I'm going to rip your heart out, eat it, and then catch a good show later this evening. Have a nice day.'
Her eyes. They don't say anything at all. Not a thing. Not even a simple 'I am here.' message.
I learn right now that darkness is not the opposite of light. It's just it's absence. Whatever is inside her, inside Willow, Red, right this very second. That's the absence of light!
It takes a bit of doing but I don't look away.
"Of course I do." She says. Still in that plain voice.
"That's a new look for you." I say changing the subject. Have to keep her off center. If she even has a center anymore.
She glances down at her apparel. The color red has been a pretty consistent theme with her for a while now but she's wearing something different today. A white t-shirt, with a pair of light green slacks. At her waist is her ever present bag of sawdust(Yeah I've heard of that trick. I rather approve.)
She shrugs, re-locking eyes with me. "Can't wear red forever."
Back to action. "You don't believe she's dead." I say. "Buffy I mean."
"I know what you mean." She interrupts. Tsk..whatever happened to manners? Not that I actually believe in them, I just use em' to my advantage.
"Excuse me Red." I hold up a hand to stop her. "But don't you mean to say 'I know who you mean?'"
That shuts her up and I cock my head a little to the left as she takes a moment to gather her thoughts. Such as they are.
She finally nods. "Yes." She says quietly. A..tonal value change. Happy, happy day..er..night.
"Interesting fun fact of vampires." I say, keeping my head cocked to the left. Just the right of tone too, light hearted, irrelevant with just a dabble of scorn. Natural Spike voice actually. "We can smell emotions."
She nods again. "I know. I read it when doing research. It was in-"
"Yes, yes, yes.." I flap my hand and make a quiet snorting sound. "I'm sure Ye Olde Book of Boring Blither Blather Volume Fifteen of UmpteenGillion, is a fascinating topic but one I glibly, and happily shove aside."
"The point being," I light up another ciggie. What. It's not like they can kill me. "We, meaning yours truly, can smell emotions. Feelings. And you know what Red me luv, me darlin?"
"No." She says in that monotone voice. She's back to starting at the grave. "What?"
"I can smell it on you." I inhale and hold it..enjoy the warmth on the inside for a change. Let it out through my nose. "It's right here." I point to a spot just below her throat. "Locked up tight. Stuck, if you like to think of it that way. A solid block of feelings that cannot go back and _someone_ will not allow forward."
"What is it then?" She asks.
"Oh that's easy." I shrug and stand up straight. I start walking around her and the headstone in a small circle. Round n'round the mulberry bush. "Grief mostly, pain, a lot of self pity but the big big biggie..the..Big Bad of the whole gobstopper you got there. Why..that's disbelief."
"So!" I say, I continue my pacing round n'round. "Not only are you not believing, you're lying about your not believing."
She doesn't say anything. I pause and study her closely from behind. She looks the same, still..solid. Unmoving...hang on a mo'. What's this? Why..I do declare! It seems the toes on her left foot have begun to go all a'tremble.
I bend over, at the waist with my hands behind my back. I flick the remains of the fag off into the darkness.
"What's that moon mean Red?" I ask.
The so called Moon is in fact stuck somewhere between three quarters and a new moon. A few thin wisps of clouds are between it and us. I don't really care what it means, if anything. Just another topic change..food for the game.
"You're all such a Wiccan and such." I continue to say. "Moon phases, moon this that, tides, etc..etc.. Growth cycles and other whatnot. What's the moon to you and yours now?"
She raises her head slightly and looks upwards for a second before returning her gaze to the headstone.
"It means nothing." She says. "It's not in any state to be useful. It's just a moon."
"Ah." I say. "Thanks pet. I did wonder sometimes."
I resume my pacing.
"Did you know," I begin. "That my Drusilla was very much into the moon? She liked it quite a bit. I don't think she had any hocus pocus mumbo jibber jabber attached to it but she was rather fond of watching it wane, getting smaller and smaller with every passing night. She used to say, 'There's a big daddy vampire up there Spike. He's drinking the moon and one day I shall meet him. I'll meet the big vampire who drinks the moon and he'll take my hand in his, kiss my fingers and the two of us shall go out to tea.'. I never could convince it was just a big rock."
I light up my third fag of the night.
"So." I press on. "One night I ask her what's happening to the 'Big Daddy Vamp' when the moon is getting bigger. She simply said, 'Oh, it's such a big meal that he can't hold it in. So he spends a great deal of time puking it back up. I do hope I never meet him then. He'd positively ruin my dress!'." I take a drag.
"After that wonderful bit of mental imagery I never really brought it up again." I finish.
Red doesn't move. I'm not sure if she even heard me.
Right. Time for the big guns.
I crouch down on the balls of my feet in front of her.
"You don't really believe she's dead." I say again.
"You might feel it here." I point to her heart. A heart that just a second ago sped up quite a bit. I can hear it.
"You might even believe it here as well." I tap her left temple. "But that's just two parts of the whole ducks. Not the complete package."
I stand back up. "Still..time flies doesn't it? How long has it been exactly? Since we put Buffy in the ground I mean."
Red shrugs. "Around two months. I think."
I pretend to be shocked. "You mean you're not sure?" I gasp. "You? The love of her life, that which she fought and died for above all else. To insure that the world would exist for you to live in and be...well..alive? You? Not being sure? The person that Buffy, the Slayer, died for so you would not be sucked into some nameless hell and spend eternity as some beastie's sex toy..."
I close my eyes briefly, this is very close to the line. Even for me.
"Again?" I finish.
She doesn't react. SHE DOESN'T REACT!!
Jesus Christ, Lord in Heaven have mercy..this..this is really bad!
Scratch that God, ignore my blathering.
Yes. I can smell you Red. I can hear you. I know you from the inside now and I have you!
I can smell your sweat, it just started streaming down the inside of your shirt. I can hear your muscles tightening beneath your clothing, I can hear your heart beat faster and faster.
Yes! I can smell the salt Red. Willow. Duckling. Behind your eyes I can smell it gathering.
Now. Now for the kill.
"How long has it been again luv?" I ask. Again I crouch on the balls of my feet before her.
"Ab.." She swallows. Better and better. "About two months."
"You're never going to see her again." I say soothingly. "Never hear her laugh with you as you babble. Never watch a sad movie and comfort each other. No more meetings at the magic box either, rolling your eyes together as Anya embarrasses dear, dear, Xander again and again and again."
I bring my hand up slowly and rest it on her shoulder in a gentle fashion. This last bit requires physical contact. Angelus would be proud..stupid weak willed little sod that he is.
"How long?" I whisper now, hunching closer. Bringing my face scant inches from hers. "How long has it been?"
"Eight..eight weeks or so." She tries to shrug, a gesture she was quite good at but now fails miserably.
"Those soft lips of her." I whisper. "Never going to kiss them." I'm really careful now. I trace Red's lips with the tip of a finger. Slow..slow..be strong..be deadly. If she detects weakness you're spatter.
"No more whispers in your ear." I whisper into her ear. "No more arms holding you close in the dead of the night." I move my hand back to her shoulder and slowly..slowly..slide it across her back.
"No quiet touches or secret glances." I add. "Sharing pizza's or her buying you mochas. Never going to happen again. She's gone. Gone the way of all flesh."
She chokes back a sob. One last little push.
"She'll never arch into your touch." I whisper. I begin moving my thumb along the base of her neck. Back..and forth.
Feather light I am. "No pleading, no gasps of pleasure. No more hot streaks moving down your body as she moves you higher and higher. Together, you'll never move together again. She'll never..." I pause. Stroke the fingers along the hairline. "Ever..cry out your name in ecstasy again. Gone..gone and gone. She's dead. And you're alive."
"No." She whispers.
I grab her face between my hands fiercely. "How _LONG_?" I shout. "TELL ME!!"
"EIGHT WEEKS, THREE DAYS, SIX HOURS!" She shrieks back at me.
"AND?" I'm holding her eyes open with my fingers, forcing her to look at me, not letting her run away from this. I have her head in my hands and I'm not going to let go and not do what has to be done...namely forcing her acknowledge the truth. Yes, someone gave her truth once, but now I've got a new one for you and you're going to eat it.
The whole bloody thing!
"THIRTY SEVEN MINUTES!!"
I let her go.
Ever seen someone disintigrate? Not a pretty picture, I wish I had a camera.
"Well." I say pulling myself to my feet. "Wouldn't be fair of me to expect you to know the exact second now is it?" I glance over my shoulder at her.
"Buffy." I hear her. "Oh Buffy, Buffy..no.. no no ..no! Please Goddess Oh please no..."
She's hunched over, arms crossed over her chest. Saying 'No' over and over again.
I want a cigarettes.
I think I'll have a cigarette.
As I'm lighting up the cigarette that I want and am having she stops sobbing. That was brief.
She looks at the grave again, I think she's seeing it for the first time. Who know. Freud I ain't. Who would want to be?
Seeing everything as a penis. Disgusting.
"I'll find you." Willow says.
It's a quiet voice. Normal whisper really. So..why does I feel the sudden urge to run?
The temperature drops, just in the general area, like a ring around the both of us and the grave. The temperature drops and it's COLD!
"I'll find you." She says again and starts to rock back and forth on her knees.
"Red." I say.
It's getting colder. I can see her breath and a light sheen of frost just crisped over all the local vegetation.
"I'll find you!" She says even louder. "I'll find you if it's the last thing I do!"
Her rocking has gotten faster , I can't smell her anymore. Ozone, that's all I have around me. It's everywhere. Cold and Ozone. The hair on my arms is standing up and that's hasn't happened in decades. What the hell is going on?
I take a step backwards. "Red." I try again. "Whatever you're doing I suggest you stop!"
Her eyes lock with mine and they are now ...Mary Mother of God.
Before there was nothing, now there is ...she has Everything in her eyes.
"I'll find her Spike." She gasps at me. "Tell the others I'll _find_ Buffy!"
Are those small rocks around the grave FLOATING?
Running appeals to me right now. Pity I'm not going to get the chance.
Everything goes White. I mean White with a capital 'W' and I think I'm being tossed head over buttocks. (Damn you Gump!)
I land hard, that's gonna smart! But..I'm alive...er..undead. Whatever. I'm still here.
I clamber to my feet and take in my surrounding.
I look around. Nothing seems any different. Buffy's grave is right there. Grass looks fine, no scorch marks, nothing.
Red's gone though. No sign. No body or ashes, nothing again.
Like nothing ever happened. What the hell is going on? One minute I'm playing with Red here and the next _whoomph_ someone hit the big ol' reset button.
Hang on a second. The..flower. The flower she was sitting on. All the grass she was sitting on. They're..straight.
Like...hmmm..like she was never there.
I straighten my duster, brush off a few pieces of dirt. Not the reaction I was expecting but it was still fun. Maybe I fixed her too. We'll see.
Right now I fancy a game of pool.
As I walk away from her grave I feel a tune coming on and just this once I give into it.
"Happy trailssss...to you...until we meeeeet again."
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