2003-05-01 11:38:24
"Between the thing with Mr. Casual, my eating disorder, being sick all the time, being broke, trying to find a job, the fear of loosing my house etc... I'm at the end of my rope. Right now I want out so badly that I could take every pill in my house and never look back. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.
I knew I blew it yesterday but I didn't think I had totally blown it. I honestly expected him to give me another chance to kiss and show him I was just nervous. I purposely ran into him today. His mood was totally cold towards me. After a bit of general talking I said, so did I blow it. Are you going to give me another chance. He just shrugged and said you had three. I kissed you three times and you blew every one of them. I said come on, I was nervous I at least deserve another chance. He said, what is it in baseball. Three strikes and your out. That was the jist of things on the subject. When I left I turned to him and said. Tell me, have I totally blown it. Do you still have the intention of eventually coming over or is that something I need to stop waiting for. He said, I don't know you tell me. I said, no. Your the one. You know whether I've totally blown it with your not, have I? He said, something to the effect of he's not going to get with anyone who dosen't want it. When I blew the kisses yesterday, to him he felt that meant I didn't really want it. I just thought I wanted it. Or that I wasn't sure what I wanted. I tried this morning to explain I was nervous and that I wouldn't blame him for not wanting it after the way I kissed him yesterday. I was hoping to get a chance to do it right and show him that I actually do know how to kiss and I do want it. He was totally cold though and gave no sign that he was interested in anything so I did nothing. So after he said he wasn't going to get with anyone. I said, how can you think I don't want this. He said, well. I might still come over. I said, might. I don't do might. You know whether you still intend to or not.
2003-05-02 11:09:50
I find it ironic that yesterday I wanted to swallow every pill in my house and today I came within thirty seconds of being seriously injured or killed by a drunk driver.
2003-05-03 09:24:28,
1. Blowing a chance at romance
2. Loosing the receipt to the new Answering Machine that dosen't work
3. Nearly choking on a pill
4. Coming within thrity seconds of serious injury or death at the hands of a drunk driver
5. Learning that, I'm worth something"
2003-05-05 03:12:03,
"1. I had strange dreams
2. When I woke up I was at a dairy freeze buying ice cream
3. I am now craving ice cream
4. Today I shall get my resumes done
5. I wish I wasn't so weak"
2003-05-05 10:48:40
"This someone trying to kill me thing, is ceasing to be funny.
I came within thrity seconds today of being inolved in an accident."
2003-05-06 03:01:04
1. I'm nervous
2. I always seem to be saying I'm nervous
3. Today something in my life will change forever
4. Perhaps it will change for the better, perhaps worse
5. I hope someone will do the right thing"
2003-05-06 08:41:49
"My plans had to chance so the meeting didn't happen which means life is still the same. Don't know if that' s a good thing or a bad thing.
I was sitting on the bus thinking how Geo always tells me. Why worry about things. All the worry in the world isn't going to change the outcome. One thing I've always admired about him is his carefree attitude towards life. He is so easy going and confident and not afraid to take a little risk now and then.
I'm the exact opposite. I worry about everything. Even silly little things I can't control. I let worry and fear control my life. I can never make a move that I don't have to analyze every outcome first. I've always said to him that I wish I could be like him. He said, you can. I said, no I can't. He said, yes you can. The only person stopping you is you."
2003-05-06 08:56:56
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.""
- Unknown
""Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.""
- Robert Louis Stevenson
""It's never crowded along the extra mile.""
- Wayne Dyer
""Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less.""
- Ken Blanchard
""One of the secrets of life is to make stepping-stones out of stumbling blocks.""
- Jack Penn
""Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things.""
- Frank A. Clark
""Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.""
- Winston Churchill"
2003-05-06 11:31:15
Things to remember about Happiness""
(c) Diana Robinson, Ph.D.
Almost all of us want to be happy. Being happy is not a skill taught in
school. If we are lucky, our parents taught us about happiness, either by
example or by shared wisdom. For the rest of us, there are some important
things to remember about happiness, and the art of being happy.
1. It is OK to want to be happy. It is not unduly selfish, or
materialistic, or self-centered. Wanting to be happy is normal.
2. To pursue happiness is an inalienable right - to be happy is not. Some
people seem to believe that they have a right to be happy, that other
people should make them happy, that when they are not happy they have a
right to complain about it and that complaining will cause them to be
happy. All three premises are false.
3. No one owes you happiness. Assuming you are an adult, your happiness is
not anyone else's problem. If you are a person who spreads happiness, then
others will probably want to contribute to your happiness. This is their
choice, not your right.
4. Happiness comes from attitude, from within. We become happy when we
cultivate an attitude of appreciation and gratitude, when we focus on the
good stuff. One way to do this is by keeping a regular gratitude journal.
This gets us in the habit of looking for what is good in our lives, and
when we focus on that we are likely to be happy.
5. Owning more things does not make you happy. Advertisers would like to
make us believe that we can buy happiness, but we cannot buy happiness by
buying more things. Wanting things goes back to our heritage as
hunter-gatherers. It was important to hunt, and to gather, but that was for
reasons of survival. For most of the people reading this, our 'wants'
rarely relate to our survival.
6. Happiness is more a process than it is a goal. When I get... when I
reach... when I am... we may think that happiness is something that will
come, or will happen, one day. Eventually, we will probably find that
happiness is the journey, and that if we focus only on the destination we
will never get there.
7. Talking about unhappiness does not make you happy. It is true that we
all need to vent at times. The purpose of venting is to express our
dissatisfaction with something so that we can move on. If we vent just to
let others know how badly used we are and how awful something is, nothing
new will happen. If we keep our mental attic filled with unhappy stuff,
there will be no room for anything else. We need to get rid of it so as to
make room for the happy thoughts to move in.
8. Happiness is more often accompanied by accomplishments than by
compliments. Certainly it is nice to be appreciated, and we all need to
receive encouraging words from others. But they need to be based on fact.
The empty words that are just intended to 'raise self-esteem' ring hollow
when we know that we have truly done nothing to deserve them. It is when we
have worked and achieved that we can know that the words ring true, and can
really feel good about them and ourselves.
9. Memories of happy times can be stored up for retrieval during the bad
times. Very few of us will never feel unhappy, will never fall into 'the
slough of despondence.' A major help then is to remember the times when we
were happy, and the fact that we have those memories 'in the bank.' They
are a part of us, they can remind us that we are capable of happiness, and
that the world is not always out to make us miserable. When you are happy,
consciously store up the memories - they will serve you well.
10. Happiness comes from sharing happiness. There are few joys as complete
as those that involve bringing joy to someone else. Happiness defies the
laws of economics in that it is not something that we have less of when we
give it away. It is something that grows greater for the giver as it is
given. The more you give, the more you have."
2003-05-07 14:33:34,If people knew how much I loved pizza they would refrain from talking about it in the journals.
2003-05-08 02:37:51
1. I always seem to be dreaming lately about food
2. This morning I had a dream that I was grocery shopping. I bought carrots, rolls, hot dogs and bacon
3. Assertiveness is a good thing
4. Let's hope I can be assertive today
5. Let's hope their are no more attempts at my life"
2003-05-09 04:05:0
1. Their is nothing like waking up at 5:20 to hear the voice of a friend
2. Try steam cleaning your living room at 5:30 in the morning
3. I still don't know how to approach a friend about something
4. I wish I could be a guppy everyday"
2003-05-10 05:05:08
"1. Getting sick from a gasoline spill
2. Learning to be assertive
3. Almost starting a bonfire in my house
4. A strange blister coming up on my leg
5. Kissing, kissing and more kissing :)
6 Finding out a bit of good news"
2003-05-11 12:08:31
They always say be careful what you wish for. I wished for something that in my head I knew I should have never wished for. Everyone told me to be careful, but I didn't listen. I followed with my heart and now I'm in too deep. I tell myself I am strong. I tell myself that I won't get hurt but I'm just pretending.
Knowing the hurt that will come I still race headfast into this collision course that will change my life forever."
2003-05-12 02:56:15,
1. I'm excited about something
2. I wish I had listened to everyone's advice about something
3. Be careful what you wish for
4. I'm very nauseus
5. I'm poor (:
6. I need a job"
2003-05-12 14:53:55
"Fightened and alone. I have lost my trust, I have lost my hope. I have just lost.
Most of my family is dead. Most of what little family I have live's out of state. I have one relative here that contacts me once in a great while. As of this moment I have not heard from him in over four months. My social disorder leaving my communication skills poor at best I rarely make enough conversation with anyone to make friends. At this moment I have one real life friend to my name. I have many journal friends but we have never spoken except in comments. I long to hear my phone ring. I long to have email to answer and friends to go out with once in awhile.
Due to my social disorder, among other things I have not worked in 3 years. At the moment my financial situation is so bad that if I do not find a job soon I won't have money to pay bills or eat. By the time I can get to one place on the bus to apply and then to another I've spent half the day. I sent 19 resumes in to various minimum wage places but have yet to hear anything. Not having worked in 3 years and having limited experience prior to that I hold little hope for getting a job.
My eating disorder having consumed me if I do not end this starvation of myself I know I will soon die.
My social disorder, leaving my communication skills poor at best has made my love life almost non-existent. At 33, I long for children that will most likely never come. At 33, I come home to an empty house and an empty bed.
Having no friends and little money, my weekends are spent the same as the next. Sat I attempt to eat breakfast at some fast food. After breakfast I pick up and needed groceries and head home. Checking my email I then head out to mow part of my lawn. Then it's on to the shower and sitting down for a day of movies on TV. Sun, I wake up and do it all over again.
This life that I am living, is not a life. It's a prision that I allowed myself to end up in. I long to be the bad girl I know deep inside I am. I long to be normal. I long to find a way out but my life is like a maze. Everywhere I turn their is a different exit and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to find my way out. How do I become normal when I've spent fourteen years of my life trapped in this nightmare."
2003-05-12 16:43:35
i wish I could sleep and never awake. If only I could be that lucky.
2003-05-13 03:12:21
"1. I look like hell
2. I feel like hell
3. I'm forcing myself to get out and get some breakfast
4. I wish I could erase yesterday
5. I wish more than anything I had just listened to the voice inside me"
2003-05-13 08:20:48
I can't stop crying. I can't stop wishing for a way out. I haven't felt this close to death in a long time.
2003-05-14 06:36:52
A new day and I still feel the same. At least I'm not contemplating the pills in my cabinet. I was muddling through the problems and trying to deal the best I could and what happened kind of sent me over the edge.
I just don't get it. If all this time of flirting and wanting each other was going to come down to a few kisses and chemistry. He could have kissed me months ago and found out their was no chemistry. It hurts because this is not some random guy. This person is my friend. I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what I feel about any of it at the moment."
2003-05-15 06:54:26,
8:40 I sit staring at the computer screen. It seems like that's all I've done for the past four days. It's never been this bad before. I could always manage to pull myself out but nothing has worked this time. It scares me because I wonder if this is the time that I won't pull out.
2003-05-16 16:31:09
"I just ate two of my ever so tasty steak sauce sandwiches on, regular bread. Hopefully the laxative I took will cancel out some of it."
2003-05-18 11:07:38
Fell into a black hole. Trying to pull myself out of the black hole. I'm not doing great but at least I no longer have the desire to hurl myself out a window. Wake up and realize I'm out of cash. $347 in my account. $143 owed for Electric and no job makes me feel closer to that black hole again.
2003-05-20 08:04:14
I went out yesterday to buy a pair of shorts. I only had one pair. They fit perfectly but they are awfully short and their yellow. I went to buy the size I've been currently wearing. They were too big. Not hugely big but they had more room than they should have.
I noticed the new jeans I had bought last month were fitting awfully loose but I felt as fat as always and I thought I looked the same so I didn't think anything of it. But I'm now one size smaller. I'll probably end up having to buy a new pair of jeans. I haven't weighed in probably three weeks or more. I figured since it has been so long I would just wait until my birthday and weigh then."
2003-05-21 02:37:57
1. I'm listening to my scanner while getting ready
2. One should not be cursing at police officers at 4:30 in the morning
3. I once wanted to be an undercover officer
4. I also wanted to be a forest ranger when I was 12
5. I don't do mornings"
2003-05-21 09:05:40
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing—that's why we recommend it daily.""
- Zig Ziglar
""It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, and a hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a life time to forget someone""
""The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.""
- Emily Dickinson
""True love isn't finding the person that you want to live with, but finding the one person that you cant live without. . .""
""It is never too late to give up your prejudices.""
- Henry David Thoreau
""The only way to pass any test is to take the test.""
- Anonymous"
2003-05-22 03:13:56
"1. I woke up at 3:00
2. Thankfully I managed to go back to sleep
3. I had another one of those dreams I don't want to be have
4. I'm beginning to think a certain situation is impossible
5. I wish a certain someone would do the right thing"
2003-05-22 13:45:44
"I'm always explaining to Geo and to the man about being a Gemini and really having a, twin self. Their's one side of me that's the social phobic, good girl who does the right thing. Does what she's expected. Then their is the other twin who is quiet but certainly not to the extent of social phobia. The other twin is the bad girl who dresses sexy and does what she wants.
The bad girl in me is really more of who I am than the girl who trys to conform to the norm. Everyone always expected me to be the good little girl. My family, my parents. They anted no part of the other me. Now here I am free to the twin I really am and what do I do. I still revert to the social phobic girl.
And the point of this post was actually supposed to be about choosing a name for the other me."
2003-05-26 04:47:46
1. I have no plans for Memorial Day
2. I miss someone
3. I'm excited about something
4. I'm sad about something"
2003-05-27 13:44:20
I've been thinking for awhile of writing Dr. Phil. I think of it more and more everyday but what would be the point. I'm too social phobic to ever go on TV. I'm too social phobic to handle a phone interview. What talk show host is going to want to help someone if they can't come on the show.
2003-05-27 17:31:27
ahem! Can anyone recommend a good song or songs to do a striptease too?
2003-05-28 03:29:50
It's 5:21. I've been up since 4:05 (:
Today I'm meeting up with my great, great nephew and my cousin. We're headed to McD's for a goodbye lunch. My nephew is supposed to get with me and go over ideas about getting something done with my house so I can get out of here. When he emailed he asked if it was ok to talk about things in front of my cousin. I told him it was ok.
I had thought we we're going to talk at the house. Apparently their picking me up at 11:30 and we're going to talk while eating. I am not interested in having a conversation about this in McDonald's. Now that I think about it. I'm not too comfortable getting into my depression with my cousin. I'm not even comfortable getting into it with my Nephew.
He still thinks I should rent the house and he said. He would try and get ahold of someone he used to know to find out if that would be the best option. That's all well and good but I don't have weeks to sit around while he tries to contact someone. This is serious from a financial standpoint and an emotional standpoint.
If I don't settle something soon. I'm either going to be broke, dead or both. He just never seems to get the seriousness of what I try to tell him about my depression."
2003-05-28 03:40:57
Did I mention that my nephew hasn't seen me in months. He has no clue how small I've gotten. I don't even know that he knows that my eating disorder was back. I'm not looking forward to this.
2003-05-29 16:00:10
"This girl has waited long enough. Tomorrow I intend to inform the man that wants that it feels to me that he is simply stringing me along. When he won't sit down and talk with me and be honest all I can do is make assumptions that may or may not be true. If he's not stringing me along then he needs to prove it. It's very simple, either he wants to give this a chance or he dosen't. No more excuses. If he wants me he had better take it because I'm not going to be here six months from now when he may ""finally"" decide he wants to get some. He can either give me a chance or miss out. Either way he has a choice to make and he must make one.
This leads me to a question. Do I tell him he needs to make a choice soon or do I give him a time frame to make one in? If so, how long should I give him. A week, two weeks, three.
How exactly should I go about it. I want him to know I mean business and I expect an answer."
2003-05-29 02:38:26,
1. I'mnervous
2. I'm tired
3. I'm more uncertain about my future than I ever was
4. I wish I could knock some sense into a few people"
2003-05-29 10:39:51
I'm hurt and angry over something that I'm not sure I have a right to be.
2003-05-30 02:51:01
1. I wish I could knock some sense into someone
2. I wish a certain someone wasn't so stubborn
3. I wish I could learn to the let bad girl in me out
4. I think I wish for too much sometimes"
2003-05-31 14:36:46
"Reading a discussion going about about people who say they have an eating disorders when they dont & cut etc.. when they don't. Those people are merely attention seekers. The remark was made by a lot of people that they would never want to know they have an ED. They wear long sleeves & do things to hide their ED.
I am the exact opposite. I don't flaunt my ED but I don't hide it either. The people in my life know I have an ED & when someonein my life asks me what I'm going to eat today. I have no problem about saying nothing. If someone in my life asks what I ate, I have no problem telling them 1/2 a sandiwch and a coke. If someone in my life sees my hands shake & asks why I'm so cold all the time I tell them because people who don't eat have no body fat. I would never discuss my ED with some random person but with the people who know me I am open about it.
This makes me wonder if I would be considered an attention seeker. I know for the most part most people with an ED don't want anyone to know but I have to think that their must be a few other people like me."
2003-05-31 14:53:06
"People who know little about ED's have many misconceptions about them. Mainly because of t ED website's with misinformation & articles & books that don't tell it like it really is.
I know that Anorexics don't starve themselves every single day. We may have periods of fasting but we have bodies & we do have to eat to a small extent to stay alive.
But in living this & knowing this my ED still manges to distort my perception.
For me when I eat, I feel like a bad Anorexic. Even if it's just a sandwich, 1/2 a sandwich. The moment I've eaten I think. What's the matter with you, how could you have eaten. You know to be a good Anorexic you have to starve.
I rarely post what I've eaten because I think to myself. I don't want people to know I had 200 calories today. What will they think of me. They'll say I'm not Anorexic or not being a good Anorexic. I know that, that is an irrational thought on my part but for me it's the way an ED works in my mind."