2003-03-11 08:22:11 "I was doing ok until last night. When we brought up who had the selective memory. He told me to bring the letter he would prove to me that I said I would call him. I said ok, I will because that's not what I said. I was sitting in my computer chair which is really just a hard wicker chair and the chair was eating into my bones and I was hurting so bad I knew I could sit there any longer and I was re-reading the whole letter, thinking about what was said, thinking about what an idiot I am. And I began to cry. How did my life get to this. I had hopes and dreams. Maybe they would have never come true but I had them. Where did they go. How did I get to starving myself. How did I get to being so insecure and having such a low self esteem of myself. I'm so afraid of being alone that I willing to settle for so little." 2003-03-11 08:20:55 "I want to go on, Married By America. I want to be a Bachelorette. I want someone to set me up. Why am I destined to spend my life alone." 2003-03-11 08:18:58 Things have been so screwed up this week I'm going to try and fast until Monday. Or at least fast the next two days. The hard thing for me to handle when I fast is the headaches I get. The Migraines get so bad that I end up eating something to get rid of it. 2003-03-11 08:17:56 "My day is going so lovely. I head out in the cold for my appointment. I intended not to eat but decided I probably should. I got sick, twice. Walked five minutes in the cold to my appointment only to find the doctor had, had an emergency. They had tried to call at eight but of course having to take two busses to get there I was already gone. I got out for nothing, I ate for nothing (: Come home to find mutt #2 had torn up four rolls of toliet paper all over my floor. Cleaned that up and proceeded upstairs to find she had chewed one of the straps off of one of my favorite shirts. Check the domain, the changes still hadn't gone through. Went to log onto my hosts site to make sure I had the DNS info correct. Their was a nice little message on the index page saying. This site was hacked by so & so. I will fix the bug I have placed on your server if you will pay to me $500. Email me at so & so." 2003-03-11 08:18:33 "You are the anorexia angel. You wish you could just fly away sometimes...maybe you want to be a little kid again. Purity is so beautiful-- immortality! The glory of being able to refuse and take life from yourself, like a plant. You don't want to go so low that you can never move and you want all your bones to show, but still be able to tell your front from your back. You don't want to be grotesque, just ethereally unnaturally thin." 2003-03-11 08:17:17 I am never eating again. I'll fast until I pass out. I'll starve until I die. I won't live in this disgusting body 2003-03-11 08:15:33 I took a how fat of a girl are you quiz. It said I'm 100% a fat girl (: It's sad when a simple online quiz can trigger you." 2003-03-11 08:16:02,,took off my shoe and was looking at my right foot. It looks like it's turning blue on the heel. 2003-03-11 08:16:48 "[10 Mar 2003|06:23am] 1. I had chest pains that kept me awake most of the night 2. I almost contemplated calling 911 3. I won't be seeing Geo today 4. I made a pretty new journal style 5. The journal style shows up blank in Netscape (:" 2003-03-11 08:10:02 1. I had a dream about Karen Grassie (Caroline, Little House) 2. I can't breathe 3. This is normal as I have Asthma 4. I'm not seeing Brady today 5. I have to cash a check 6. I do not feel like getting out" 2003-03-11 11:53:28,,I'm still tweaking with the journal layout so things may look off for a bit. 2003-03-11 13:44:42 "My foot is worse than I thought. I try and keep lotion on them everyday because your skin gets scaly when you have an eating disorder. I went to put lotion on today and the whole right heel is turning/turned blue as well as my ankle. Looked at my left and it's just starting to shows signs. I noticed when I walk on my right foot lately it's felt like someone was poking it with something. Kind of as if it would if you had a sticker or a splinter. Of course I have Raynauds Syndrome. I'm sure it's a result of that but knowing what's it a result of doesn't really help." 2003-03-11 14:38:50 "Modern man thinks he loses something--time--when he does not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what to do with the time he gains--except kill it."" - Erich Fromm ""True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."" - Charles Caleb Colton ""Anger or hatred is like a fisherman's hook. It is very important for us to ensure that we are not caught by it."" - Dalai Lama ""The question for the child is not ""Do I want to be good?"" but ""Whom do I want to be like?"""" - Bruno Bettelheim ""A woman is like a tea bag: you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."" - Nancy Reagan ""Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."" - Erich Fromm" 2003-03-11 17:28:00 If I hear one more reality TV judge tell someone to loose weight I'm going to scream. It's no wonder so many people have eating disorders. Eating disorders can be blamed totally on the media and society but the do play a great part. 2003-03-12 11:43:3 I woke up with the chickens this morning. I stopped to see Geo. He said, you haven't told me. I want to know. What's wrong with your heart. I said, it's broken. Don't you remember, you broke it. Very funny, now what's wrong with it. It's broken. So put some tape on it." 2003-03-12 02:58:50 1. I got very little sleep 2. This would be due to chest pains and my right foot 3. I'm nauseas (sp?) 4. Someday I will learn to spell nauseas 5. I can't take a nauseas pill because it makes me have to pee 6. I found the first state quarter issue this morning 7. I'm seeing Geo today 8. I will be giving him the state quarter" 2003-03-12 12:14:16 "What do you do when your having a problem with something a friend has done to you and the friend won't discuss the issue with you. When the friend goes on as if nothing ever happened and seems to expect you to do the same. Do you try to let the issue go even though your still very hurt and angry. What? How do you make the friend understand that the hurt and anger is causing a rift for you in the friendship and that the hurt and anger is not going to go away until the friends sits down and is honest with you." 2003-03-12 12:43:19 I decided today that I have to stop fasting. So my new rule is that I have to eat one sandwich a day with some chips. My sandwiches though, are not what one would call, true sandwiches. Mine consist of two slices of low fat bread spread with low fat ranch dressing. I haven't checked the actual calories yet but I think it will average somewhere between 210-230 calories." 2003-03-13 03:45:33 1. I had a dream that Bruce Willis asked me to marry him 2. I can't breathe (: 3. I barely slept 4. I feel fat 5. I could really use a hug from Geo right now 6. I'm, hopefully getting my hair colored today 7. I swore I would finally let my natural color grow out 8. I should have known I couldn't do it" 2003-03-13 15:38:48 In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life .. it goes on."" - Robert Frost ""I no doubt deserved my enimies, but I do not feel I deserved my friends."" -Walt Whitman ""Our greatest glory is not never faling, but rising every time we fall."" -Confusius ""Be who you are and say what you mean because the ones that mind don't matter and the ones that matter don't mind."" - Dr. Suess ""Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."" - Unknown" 2003-03-14 10:09:28 Hot Topic had a shirt yesterday that said. Sometimes I just want to put on a bunny suit and scream at the top of my lungs. That sounds so much like me." 2003-03-14 11:55:29,,I took a FreeLax early afternoon yesterday. I have yet to go once. Dosen't make sense since I have eaten. 2003-03-15 09:59:25 "Hmm... I got the email below from someone who saw my journal. Dear beautiful anna, I am a man who would love to support your quest for perfection.I find extremely thin women very attractive.I would love to write to you with creative texts and support poems etc.It might give you a different slant on things having an admiring male giving you encouragement and support.My writing might be poetic or just an encouraging note.You can write to me saying whatever you wish. Please let me know,Craig." 2003-03-16 12:42:19 "You know it bugs me when someone who chose to recover from their eating disorder starts trying to tell all the ED friends they once supported that they need to stop and they need to learn to love themselves, etc... It's one thing when it's coming from someone on the outside but someone who's been there themselves should know that we know what we're doing to our bodies and they should know that it's our choice." 2003-03-17 09:04:42 You haven't lived until you've seen a Hamster travel down thirteen flights of stairs. I was awakened at 4:30 this morning by my dog who was barking at something behind my stereo. I expected to peer behind and see a huge bug. I saw a white Hamster wedged in between the wall. I grabbed a candy jar and the chase ensued. Dog is chasing Hamster. I'm chasing Hamster while yelling at dog. Old dog is sitting at the bottom of the stairs looking up as if she thinks everyone has gone nuts. The Hamster veered into the bathroom and I thought I had it. However, upon sight of the dog the Hamster made it's way down the stairs. By the time the Hamster was caught I was awake. This one had only been out for a month. I have two that have been out for ions. I believe they are held up in my back closet of which I can't remove everything to catch them." 2003-03-17 11:33:05 "Like the empty sky it has no boundaries, Yet it is right in this place, Ever profound and clear. When you seek to know it, You cannot see it. You cannot take hold of it, But you cannot lose it. In not being able to get it, you get it. When you are silent, it speaks; When you speak, it is silent. The great gate is wide Open to bestow alms, And no crowd is blocking the way. - Cheng-tao Ke" 2003-03-17 17:54:00 I think I should just quit and go to bed. I just feel so , I don't know. My bones have been hurting all day. My back has been killing me for the past two days.I'm not sleeping. I haven't taken my vitamins in several days. I have managed to take my daily Aspirin and my Estrogen but that's it. I got weak when I was out and had to eat. Then I came home and binged. 1 regular coke 1 donught 1 sandwich a handfull of chips a handfull of pretzels." 2003-03-18 07:11:49 """We expect more of ourselves than we have any right to."" - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr ""Don't wait for your ship to come in. Row out to meet it."" - Anonymous ""When people shake their heads because we are living in a restless age, ask them how they would like to live in stationary one, and do without change."" - George Bernard Shaw ""Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world."" - Helen Keller ""I am happy and content because I think I am."" - Alain-Rene Lesage ""Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for."" - Epicurus" 2003-03-18 10:07:57 "House insurance with new plan State Farm decided to adopt 1,095.00. It was nice knowing you Mr. house insurance. Dear house, please be kind and not burn to the ground, be blown away by a Tornado, find yourself burglarized again or otherwise fall apart." 2003-03-18 16:06:26 I think people are beginning to get a little too crazy with the whole war issue. Now networks are going to stop airing commercials and stop airing certain shows. I don't remember them doing this with desert storm. Certainly their will be more news coverage and breaking in with updates but I think war is bad enough and America needs to keep some semblance of normalcy. 2003-03-19 11:07:55 Sometimes I wish I knew how to stop. Sometimes I'm glad I don't. 2003-03-19 05:19:49 1. I got no sleep 2. My feet are no longer blue :) 3. I broke a nail 4. I miss my dad's goofy smile 5. I wish my dad were here to make it all better" 2003-03-19 11:24:38 I cleaned out my refrigerator and cabinets this morning. So much food I threw away. I'll be at the store and see something I like to eat or something that sounds good and I'll buy it. Once I get it home I start thinking about all the calories in it and I can't bring myself to eat it. So it sits and sits in my cabinet until the date expires. 2003-03-20 04:03:49 "1. I was awaken at 1:45 by a Squirrel scratching on my roof 2. I'm headed to the mall to do some writing 3. I wish I could see Jarod today 4. I don't think it has sunk in that we are at war" 2003-03-20 11:17:43 For the record,"I have not had a baby :) B: Hey girl, I haven't seen you in months. How are you doing. S: Fine B: That's good. You didn't go and have a baby did you? S: No. B: You've lost some weight. I thought you might have had a baby." 2003-03-20 12:57:57 Sigh! One of our helicopters took enemy fire and is reported missing. I'll never understand war. 2003-03-20 18:08:28 "6:00 find myself hungry. Tell myself I can't eat anything more because I had to eat fast food. 6:30 decide to eat and make 1/2 a sandwich. Bring sandwich upstairs. Tell myself I've probably gained a pound already from this morning. Put sandwich away. 7:30 decide that I can't afford to loose too much more until after Wed. Decide I should eat. 8:00 eat sandwich spend the rest of the evening beating myself up convinced that I've gained two pounds today." 2003-03-21 03:37:15 1. My nose won't stop running 2. I'm trying not to think about the war 3. I'm tired of starving myself 4. I can also say that I'm not 5. A part of me wants to stop, a part of me dosen't 6. I can feel myself dying. Part of me welcomes it 7. Part of me is terrified" 2003-03-21 Getting something off my chest,I've been reading an un-named persons journal. An eating disorder is not something you can just turn on and turn off like a faucet. 2003-03-21 17:09:44 I'm trying to write Jarod a poem. I'm good at short stories, I'm good at long stories. But I suck at poetry. Hopefully I can formulate something out of what I have so far." 2003-03-22 10:54:38,,"7:30 1 multivitamin 1 Calcium 1 Iron 1 Hair Skin and Nail vitamin 1 Potassium 1:00 1 Estroven 1 low grade Asprin 2 Bone pills I'm tired. I want to lay in bed and sleep forever. Four more soilders were killed this morning. They interviewed the families. One man held up a picture of his son and said look at this Bush. Look at what your war has done, it's taken my only son." 2003-03-23 11:05:54 2 Cake mixes 1 bottle of steak sauce 2 bags of flour. One wheat, one white 1 bottle of Picante sauce 1/2 a bottle of waffle syrup Celery salt. Why do I need celery salt? Coke 1 pint of milk 1 container of Blueberries The milk and Blueberries are for Jaord. I'm making him Blueberry muffins Thursday. 2003-03-24 08:54:18 I finished up enough of the site to get it up. It's not a Pro-ED site but I'm toying making a seperate part to the site and putting up a link to the a Pro-ED area. I'm kind of torn. I never want to encourage anyone to develop an eating disorder. But I at the same time I feel people have a right to live their life the way they choose. *shrugs*, I don't know. Today, I'm trying to start a diet pill free life. I'm not at a place yet where I want to recover but I have to find some kind of balance between starving myself and managing to stay alive while doing so. So I'm trying to cut out diet pills. I only take one, sometimes two a day but all it would take is one to kill me. I don't expect it to go to well but I have to at least try." 2003-03-24 12:01:52 I've been looking in the mirror for so long. That I've come to believe my souls on the other side. Oh the little pieces falling, shatter. Shards of me, Too sharp to put back together. Too small to matter, But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces. If I try to touch her, And I bleed, I bleed, And I breathe, I breathe no more." 2003-03-24 13:02:21 I have so much I want to say but I can't seem to formulate my thoughts into words. I wish I could talk to Jarod about so many things. I wish I could sit down and pour my heart out about life, about my ED. Even though I probably shouldn't I still consider him my closest friend. But while we call each other friends. We never have truly been friends in the sense of friendship. Friends go out once in awhile and do something together. Friends are their for each other. I know that their are boundaries when you are married. And I try to be understanding of how his wife feels and the position that puts him in but I hate always being this secret friend. We hang out when he's working and we laugh and joke and everyone their knows we are friends. Then I leave and then he goes home and it's almost as if I seem not to exist as his friend until the next time we see each other. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe I'm just needy and pathetic and need stop needing someone to lean on every now and then. It's just hard, I have no family. Most of my friends are gone and it's scary feeling like your alone in all of this." 2003-03-24 13:03:49 I have so much I want to say but I can't seem to formulate my thoughts into words. I wish I could talk to Jarod about so many things. I wish I could sit down and pour my heart out about life, about my ED. Even though I probably shouldn't I still consider him my closest friend. But while we call each other friends. We never have truly been friends in the sense of friendship. Friends go out once in awhile and do something together. Friends are their for each other. I know that their are boundaries when you are married. And I try to be understanding of how his wife feels and the position that puts him in but I hate always being this secret friend. We hang out when he's working and we laugh and joke and everyone their knows we are friends. Then I leave and then he goes home and it's almost as if I seem not to exist as his friend until the next time we see each other. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe I'm just needy and pathetic and need to stop needing someone to lean on. It's just hard, I have no family. Most of my friends are gone and it's scary feeling like your alone in all of this." 2003-03-25 03:40:16 1. My dog took my brush off somewhere 2. I have to buy a new brush 3. I gained a pound 4. I want to throw my scales as far as I can see 5. I'm worthless 6. I'm alone 7. I wasn't meant to be here. I've known that from the start" 2003-03-25 11:48:25 I took my blood pressure this morning. My Diastolic was 62. My hands have their frequent blue tint. My arms have their frequent blue tint. Still I restrict. 2003-03-25 12:00:12 Man can live for about forty days without food, and about three days without water, about eight minutes without air ... but only for one second without hope."" - Hal Lindsey" 2003-03-25 14:00:30 "Ignoring me Jarod turns back to his papers. I pull off my shoes and socks. A few minutes later he looks up to see my holding my foot in the air. What are you doing girl? Trying to see my blue foot." 2003-03-26 03:39:08 1. Allergies, allergies, allergies. 2. I had my appointment today (: 3. I have to eat. 4. I hope they don't notice my blue hands 5. I get to see Jarod tomorrow 6. Jarod is my best friend" 2003-03-26 16:10:08 I got two new pages written on my book today. If my story helps one person I have accomplished a great thing. 2003-03-27 03:05:15 I'm seeing Jarod today It's out six year anniversary I wonder if that resolution of mine will ever come true. (see resolution below) He dosen't deserve me I shouldn't even be speaking too him I stick around because he's my saftey net. When everything else fell apart and everyone else left I always knew I had Jarod. And if I take away my saftey net then I'm alone. So in my reasoning. It's better to accept his mis-treatment of me than to say I deserve better and let go. The reality of being alone is worse in my mind than the reality of settling for a friend who dosen't deserve me. We've had a lot of great times. It hasn't all been bad. He once treated me with respect and he once cared for me very much, now I seem to simply be the friend who's good for the moment. Today I plan to tell him that. Resolution: To kiss the man. I don't care if it's only one kiss, just once before I die I want to feel that man's lips on mine." 2003-03-27 11:04:30 Jarod made my cry. It wasn't intentional. I want to binge so badly then I could be even more fat than I am. Going to go for a walk and see if it will help clear my head." 2003-03-27 13:57:07 A best friend and an eating disorder. I've had an eating disorder on and off for years. Part of those years, Jarodand I have been friends. For several years I never told Jarod about my eating disorder. I was afraid, he would judge, he would look at me different. He knew how messed up I was already what would he think if he found out I had an eating disorder. About three years ago I reached a point where I kind of wanted him to know. I wanted someone to be concerned about me. I wanted someone constantly telling me I needed to eat. When he would ask me what I was going to eat, or cook for dinner etc.. I would say nothing, I don't eat. He would laugh thinking it was me trying to be funny. I would sit thinking. Hello, I just told you I don't eat. Don't eat, as in starving myself to death. About a year ago I was sitting with him and writing out a paper journal entry. He asked to read it. I hesitated but I knew Jarod and I knew he wouldn't let it go. I talked in the entry about how I wished every second of my life was not consumed. About how much I ate, how much I didn't eat. I talked about how I knew deep down I wasn't fat but that was the perception I saw when I looked in the mirror. He finished reading and said. So, your obsessed with food. You think your fat, so do I. I think I'm fat. This lead to a whole are you crazy, your not fat discussion. Ironic that I was now trying to convince someone else of the same thing I should be convincing myself. After our talk it seemed as if he still didn't get it and once again it hurt. I'm telling him I'm starving myself. I could die. Does he not even care. Once or twice after that he made a comment but that's all their was. When the stuff happened with my heart he still didn't put it together. He asked if high cholesterol was my problem. Then he asked if it was high blood pressure. I said I don't eat. How could I have high blood pressure or cholesterol. He said, maybe your heart is bad because you don't eat. Gee, what a brillant observation. Even then he still didn't seem to get it, until today." 2003-03-27 16:17:54,, Jarod: Your hands are dity Abbey; Their not dirty, their blue Jarod: They are blue. Why are they blue Abbey: Well, it's what happens when you starve yourself." 2003-03-28 04:38:29 1. I had disturbing dreams last night 2. They did not help a current situation I'm agonizing over 3. I feel lost 4. I think I've been lost since the day I was born 5. I wish I knew what to do" 2003-03-28 05:06:21 My conversation with Jaord yesterday. Yesterday Jaord unintentionally made me cry. If you read my post from yesterday I said that he had never quite understood that it was more than me just not eating once in awhile. He didn't grasp how little I weigh, how little I eat, how serious it is. Yesterday he finally did. We were standing together and he started tickling my stomach. After a few seconds I said. Hey, watch it I've got bones there and they hurt, he said. Jarod: Everyone's got bones Not bones that are visable. Not bones they can clearly feel Jarod: Your can feel your bones. Abbey: Yes, here. I placed my his hand on my collarbone. He felt for a second and pulled away with this look Jaord: How much do you weigh I stood hesitating Jarod: How much, 120? Abbey: 120, God no. Jaord: 110? Abbey: No Jarod: Lower or higher Abbey: Lower Jarod: 100? I stared at him with no response. I knew he would never guess my real weight and I wasn't ready to tell him how much I actually weigh Jarod: If you eat 1600 calories a day you can maintain your weight at 100 Abbey: 1600 calories, yeah right. Jarod: Your weight, that's probably why you have heart trouble. Your gonna kill yourself I know Jarod: Are you big boned Abbey: Nooooo Jarod: Take your thumb and pinky and wrap touch your wrists. If they fit your wrist then your big boned. Here, let me show you. He took my fingers and showed me. They fit, that means your big boned. Abbey: I am not big boned Jarod: Yes you are Abbey: Then I am fat. Jarod: Your not fat. Abbey: You said I was big boned that means I'm fat Jarod: No it doesn't Jarod: Why do you starve yourself I hesitated, then turned away. Because I have to be perfect. I replied trying not to let the tears show Jarod: Shit, no one is perfect. Do you think all those models in the magazines are perfect Abbey: Yes 2003-03-28 16:48:27 I just put up a new ED test link on the site. A score over 20 is considered to be a need to seek treatment. I scored a 42 (: 2003-03-29 12:35:19,,Ugh! I cannot stomach another Estroven pill. No matter how far I stick it back in my mouth it's impossible to avoid the taste. 2003-03-29 12:59:54 [1)What is your name?: sarah (2) Are you happy with it?: Yep, since it's not my real name :) (3) Are you named after anyone?: Yep (4) Your nickname: Twig (5) Your screen name: myscaryreality (6) Would you name a child of yours after you?: no (7) Then what would you name your children?: i'll probably never have kids (: (8)if u were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be?: something stupid i'm sure. (9) If you could switch names with a friend, who would it be?: --- (10) Are there any mispronunciations/typos that people do to your name? They mispronounce my first name. They misspell my last name. (11) Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: no. (12) Your gender: girl (13) Straight/gay/bi?: Straight, with bi tendencies (14) Single?: Yep (: (15) Want to be?: nope (16) Do you have a crush? yep (17) Your birth date: june 11 (18) Age you act: It changes from day to day (19) Age you wish you were: don't think I like any age (21) The color of your eyes: hazel (22) Happy with it?: I guess (23) The color of your hair: naturally med brown/dark brown (24) Happy with it?: no (25) Left/right/ambidextrous?: right (26) Your living arrangement?: house (27) Your family: mostly dead. Most of the rest don't speak to me. (28) Have any pets?: two dogs and Hamster (29) What's your job?: having no life (30) Piercings?: yep (31) Tattoos?: two, one on my leg and one on my left arm (33) Addictions?: starving and more starving (33) Obsessions?: starving (34) Do you collect anything?: Yep (35) Do you speak another language?: Spanish and sign language (36) Have a favorite quote?: You are you and that should be enough for anyone ~ Mister Rogers (37) Do you have a webpage?: Yep (38) Do you live in the moment? Sometimes (39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: sometimes (40) Do you have any secrets?: Yep (41) Do you hate yourself?: Yep (42) Do you like your handwriting?: no (43) Do you have any bad habits?: yep (44) What is the compliment you get most from people?: that I'm too quiet (45) If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: no clue. (46) What's your biggest fear?: dying unloved, abandoment (47) Can you sing? Yep (48) Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: no (49) Are you a loner?: yep (50) What are your most important priorities in life?: getting through another day (51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: no (52) Are you a daredevil?: no (53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: everything. (54) Are you passive or aggressive?: passive (55) Have you got a diary?: yes (56) One thing you want more than anything in the world: To find peace (58) There are three wells: love, beauty and creativity. You can only drink out of one. Which one would you drink of?: love (59) How do you vent?: cry, throw things (60) Do you think you are emotionally strong?: no (61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in your life: yep (62) Do you think life has been good so far?: *shrugs* (63) Do you think you are good looking?: no (64) Are you confident?: no (65) Do people know how you feel?: I only have one person I truly let in but I don't even tell him everything I'm feeling (66) Are you perceived wrongly?: yep (67) Talk to strangers who IM you?: Even strangers don't IM me 2003-03-29 13:26:48 It's 56 degrees. I have the heater on. I can't seem to get warm. I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep until morning. 2003-03-30 14:32:30 I had disturbing dreams last night about a situation I'm unsure how to handle. The dreams led me to write a new short story today. I'm trying to get some sort of simple page up to put all my writings on. I want to show Jarod what I wrote today and get his reaction before I post the story in my journal. 2003-03-31 02:49:12 2. I'm headed to see Jarod 2. Jarpd makes me smile 3: Once again I barely slept. 4: I'm contemplating staying awake the rest of my life 5: I want to ask Jarod for something 6: I won't because it's hard admitting I need help" 2003-03-31 11:26:50 Their is an issue in my life that has been draining me emotionally and physically for over a year. It is an issue I have thought to death, written to death and talked to death. Their are moments here and their when the issue seems to get better. Moments when I think I have the answers but they are brief and when they pass the issue still remains. It is like a never ending rollercoaster. I can no longer go down the road I wasI don't have the answers or maybe I do and I just don't want to see then, I don't know I think being so emotionally entangled in the situation is keeping me from being able to look at things objectively. Like an outside party who has no bearing would. And now, it's seems things have turned even more crazier and more confusing than they were." 2003-03-31 13:00:55 I want to throw up until theirs nothing left but an empty shell.