With popular titles like, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” it’s apparent that gender and relationships go hand in hand in today’s society. Being a woman who’s well aware of how much society has an impact on our sexuality, I was immediately drawn to this topic. I began to question how exactly gender weighed in on relationships. Do females have more of a need than men to be married? Is marriage the ultimate goal for this generation? Do men and women have different ideas about sex, as it is often portrayed in the media? There is obviously a multitude of interesting questions that can be proposed on this subject, but time has confined the research to just a few. In this paper I’ll examine the differences/similarities men and women had when first learning about sex. The question of marriage will be examined, determining if there is in fact pressure to get hitched, if so, where that pressure comes from and how it may relate or differ depending on gender.
In addition to all the popular and diverse research available on the subject, this Women’s Studies project serves to continue dissecting just how gender plays a role in relationships. My task is to derive themes and common threads from the numerous surveys filled out, and relate them to gender.
Of the 119 students that participated in the qualitative portion of the gender and relationships survey, 103 (87%) identified as female and 16 (13%) as male.
The second question on the survey asked participants to “describe who first told you about sex, and what they said.” According to the responses, the general 6th grade “sex education” classes at public schools seemed to be the authority on teaching people about sex. This was consistent for men and women, and probably the most accurate form of information. Many people complained the presentation of educational material was “outdated”, but that the terms were “anatomically correct” and focused on the biological aspects and dangers of sex, rather than the emotional side.
In conjunction with school education, a good portion of those surveyed (roughly 37%) at least had some form of communication with their parent(s) about sex. What’s interesting though is that of that 37%, nearly all of them (mostly women) identified their mother as the sole teacher of sex education. What intrigued me was that the idea of “love” was more prominent than the actual function of the sex organs, and the idea that sex was a “bad thing,” even though it’s obvious (in most cases) that sex is needed for reproduction. It was rare for a mother to go into detail of how the reproduction process worked, instead the mother stressed the importance of it being something that ensues when “two people love each other” or commonly when people are married. Some mothers stressed that sex was only for “mommies and daddies” which raised the question of whether sex was deemed only appropriate for two people of opposite gender?
For the mothers who did manage to lay down the biological factors of sex, most of them favored doing it in book format. Many attributed this to the fact that their mother’s were embarrassed about the subject, or somehow felt uncomfortable discussing it. Some people mentioned that their mothers engaged in a question and answer phase after completing the book, but asserted that it was awkward.
There were random responses where both parents took an active role in sex education, and from those surveys it can be concluded that when both parents become involved, there’s a better chance for just the “straight facts,” rather than the “scare” of sex that can be seen when just one parent takes on the task of educating.
As for fathers providing the details, only three students said that this was how they first learned about sex. Two of these responses claimed their father offered a book to read, but one girl explained her terror of having to learn about sex through molestation and abuse, which subsequently made the topic of sex a very disturbing and discreet one.
Friends and other sources come in third place when learning about sex, but also fall victim to being the most crude and inaccurate informants of them all. While overall this percentage is fairly low, when looking at just men, an alarming 42% received their information this way, citing pornography as some of their educational material. T.V. and the media played a role in both men and women’s first views of sex.
In hind sight, many people recognized friends’ views of sex to be “incorrect.” A lot of people revealed that they just didn’t quite understand the material they were hearing from friends and older siblings, causing a lot of quiet confusion. One woman recounted her first experience with the topic of sex, saying that her “boyfriend in the 4th grade…told me that normal people have sex…I never talked to him again.”
Question three expanded on the previous one by asking, “What other messages did you get about sex from family members?” The biggest stress here was to wait for marriage, not necessarily due to religious concerns, though a few people did mention that. (What about all those people who choose not to get married, are they expected to live a life without sexual gratification?) Aside from marriage, parents indicated that finding the right one was also very important. Some parents split their messages when the mom warned against getting pregnant, but the dad strictly forbade sex altogether. Again the idea of intercourse only being acceptable for a man and a woman arose. Quite a few people mentioned their parents stressing that opinion. What I found most interesting, was how emotional consequence was virtually avoided in all situations. It seems the focus in recent years has been on physically safe sex to protect from STD’s, but protecting the self-esteem issues that frequently coincide with sexual relationships has been neglected. One female student responded by saying that her parents stressed the “responsibility [of sex] – meaning that [it] brings a lot more to the table than you think – it changes everything.”
A decent portion (approx. 14%) confessed that their parents and families completely avoided the subject of sex whenever possible, or dismissed it as “bad”. Some elaborated and suggested that their parents thought the idea of females discussing sex wasn’t appropriate. One woman admitted that even though her parents weren’t comfortable talking about sex, she “was intrigued, [but] didn’t understand what it actually was.”
It seems that in this case, the most helpful advice came from older siblings, most of whom had already had some real life experience with sex. These older counterparts often encouraged their younger brothers and sisters to wait before entering into sexual relationships.
Of the limited men that were surveyed, most found that members of their gender were more forthcoming when talking about sex in a positive light. One man said sex was described to him as “good stuff” and another pointed out that the males in the family seemed to take pride in it.
The fourth and final question, “Describe in what ways people pressure you to get married or not to marry” is one that causes me to question myself. Although I am not necessarily tallying up the quantitative research, I did briefly review it and noticed that 26 was a common age assumed to be appropriate for marriage. I recently turned 26, and very recently became single, though I have never been married. I had believed 30 to be the appropriate age to get married, though I theorize that as you get older, your opinion on the proper age to marry, goes up. It would be interesting to include age on a survey sometime and examine the data.
Surprisingly, about 23% of those surveyed admitted to not feeling any pressure at all, either way, to get married or not. Most of the primary and direct pressure comes from society and the way we view relationships. In current times where teen pregnancies are on the rise, many young parents feel pressure to marry. Those that don’t are often questioned as to why they remain single. Nearly all the people who pinpoint societal pressures say that the public looks down on people who are old and single; they see them as “sad and unsuccessful” and often “question their sexual orientation.”
Society doesn’t always pressure verbally, it’s apparent in tax laws that married couples are favored over singles, and quite a few students pointed this out. Again regarding sexuality, why do those committed couples who cannot legally get married miss out on the benefit of tax breaks? That’s an issue that is currently being debated in politics and in the minds of many.
Aside from society, it seems that families (particularly parents) play a large role in pressuring their children to marry, though usually it’s in subtle ways. Many people cited that their parents voiced a desire for grandchildren. Others said a slight emphasis was placed on the tradition of marriage and the “norm” of it. Some cultures provide arranged marriages, but one classmate revealed that she declined the tradition in favor of going her own way, and her parents accepted that, as long as it provided her happiness.
Not all parents were in complete favor of marriage, a lot of them stressed the importance of maturing and waiting until you’re ready. One of my personal favorite responses was an anecdote provided by a female student saying that her dad refused to pay for a wedding if it took place before the age of 30.
Breaking down the differences in gender and marriage seems to outline the stereotypical gender roles. Many females suggest that while they value their title as independent women, the idea of becoming a “housewife” and partaking in “womanly jobs” appeals to them. Men on the other hand, are often talked out of marriage by peers and show a general fear of the “M” word. One man commented that “guys ask if you’re crazy [when discussing marriage].” Both men and women have a hard time viewing marriage in a positive light, due to climbing divorce rates. One woman pointed to her mother’s disdain regarding marriage saying “I think [her opinion] is a reflection of her own not-so-happy [relationship].”
The most positive (at least in my opinion) conclusion from this survey is the realization that regardless of gender or background, bettering one’s self through education is a top priority for most everyone interviewed. Some students are eager to get married, and others have a very limited desire, but most say that finishing college will come before all that.
From this survey it’s easy to see where stereotypes come from, but I hope that within the research it’s obvious that there can be deviations from the norm, and many interesting reasons supporting theories surrounding gender and relationships.