It's been a long time since I've been close to you......

I have this problem and its probably the same problem as every other person out there (well almost) so okay here goes, I cant get over my ex and ok ok ok it sounds like totaly stupid and gay but thats the way it is. We got on so so so well it sort of felt like he knew everything about me without even asking and when I was with him I felt truly happy for like the first time in my life. We used to do stupid stuff like just randomly go to Leicester Square and chase pigeons and sing Tom Bombadill songs on our bench and laugh at people who thought we were weird. Its like when we broke up I was gutted but I got over it quicker than I thought I would, I spose some one must of had this before because last night I suddenly thought of him and I was like man I miss you like hell, we just stopped talking, maybe it was easier that way I dunno. I found myself visiting his journal in college today just to see how he was and what he was doing with his life and he has a new girlfriend, I saw a picture of her, she is real pretty, real skinny too.

I guess I'm saying this right now becuase I feel lonely and I need someone so badly, I know I'm not perfect but the guys at college are all so obbsessed with finding a nice blonde girl who is good at everything and who doesnt wear odd clothes and listen to deppressing music and paint strange pictures, somedays I wish I could just wake up and be a different person for just one day of my life. Maybe that would just be running away and not accepting the problems that I have with myself. But I can change, I can be better, its the can I be bothered? part that worries me.

I mean I have the GREATEST friends and ok ok ok they do wallow in self pity but at least they dont mean to I mean hell I DO IT we all do but EVERYDAY is it really nessecary esspecially when things arent as bad as you think they are. So its present day tommorow I bought presents in true madness style including a teapot and a set of vintage handbags which I must say make me go wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Im going now, to wallow in self pity and miss my ex. ALEX I MISS YOU, I NEED THE LOVE!

X

Vegetarians International Voice for Animals

So I had a talk (at college) today from a veggie organization called Viva! and it was fantastic, although lots of people were being complete dorks and talking all the way through I listened and I thought that the woman was great for coming in of her own accord and telling us her point of view, the least that people could do would be to listen to the poor woman. I went up to her at the end and signed some petitions she had which was nice and I've decided to become a member. Ive been vegetarian for a while now, it started because there is no way I'm putting that rubbish in my body its full of drugs and anti-biotics and its so cruel the way the animals are made to live in tiny cages so they cant even move.

Making a good start on the website, Im not esspecially good on the computer but hey if my mother can do it then I guess a monkey could. Seeing some other peoples Im like aaarggghhh there is no way I'd be that good but I can only be me thats the best I can do I'm afraid. The design part isnt the problem because I'm an arty farty person so I love doing that sort of thing. I really want a Dead Journal account but it wont let me and I dont want to ask some random person for a number so I can use it. Hey I might they cant kill me right? I been visiting bluedragonfly a lot lately its a good site I'm impressed, although some of the wanna be's you get on there are enough to make me want to hurl. Thats why I rarely visit pro ana sites anymore they're often full of 14 year old girls who have nothing better to do than pretend they have an eating disorder to make sense of their perfect little worlds.

I was listening to Jeff Buckley today my god that guy can sometimes make me cry or he can make me want to rip my hair out, I guess I have to be in the mood for it or I don't want to know. At the moment I'm lasping into deppressed music and a lot of people say to me well if you're deppressed why do you go and listen to music that increases your chances of killing yourself? It doesnt it does actually help knowing that there is at least one person out there that is more deppressing than I am, I hate being deppressed I have no idea why some people think its cool to be an artist and deppressed I think its a pain in the arsehole.

I heard some fantastic guitar playing today OKAY OKAY OKAY that statement might be slightly biased considering I fancy the guy who was plucking the strings but hey lets NOT go there as he has a girl friend and he is just so so so out of my league. This kinda took my mind of the video my mates put on at lunch time of them on a Nottingham psychology conference basically it was an hour and a half of them running around the halls of residence drunk and knocking on doors screaming, I mean I was seriosuly about ready to kill someone by the end of it it was THAT boring. Im going now my sister is burping in my ear...

farewell, box set of red dwarf and a bottle of vodkakakakakaka awaits. mmmmmm

Today I almost got run over by a bus......
Isnt it funny how life works itself out? This time last year I was so unbelievable sad, so gay and so so so obsessed with being Miss popularity. Now the people who used to be my best mates are slowly turning into fashion zombies they are the guys that make me feel like shit today. I have this problem and no one seems to get it. No one seems to want to understand me or even bother to try, its not like I want to be weird or I even try perticularly hard I just am. Some people revel in it, some absolutely love being odd and dress weird to provoke a reaction and make everyone think they are cool. In college no one wants to hear anyone else speak, they just love the sound of their own voices like fog horns peircing my brain. Then there is someone different, someone who gets me, someone who is prepared to listen to things I say without treating me like the freak who cut her arms and got caught, the wierd girl who wouldnt eat or talk to anyone, the girl that everyone struggled to like just because some popular guy though she was cute. No one realises how lucky they have it, I guess a few of them woke up today when a bunch of us had to take care of some disabled kids, they were the sweetest nicest kids in the world and most of them could even talk or walk, but they still smiled. Some people I know actually pretend to be cool, like this girl in my college who stopped eating for a week and said that she had anorexia, she made me want to puke, for a start she was fat and for seconds everyone dished out the help to her when other people needed it most. If you have anorexia you dont ASK for help, you dont BRAG that you have gone for days without eating anything, you dont want anyone to know, you hide it, like you hide the cuts on your arms because its madness and madness is definately not cool.

Im sounding miserable and I guess I am, its only coz I'm not allowed to be sad, not allowed to cry, not allowed to do anything that might upset the family. My mum made it all happen she was always going on about what a fat child I was and how I could never do anything right, Kali is perfect she used to say, why cant you be more like your sister? So I tried I tried so hard to be her daughter but she didnt care, Im the bastard child. When I told her about X she didnt listen, she didnt want to hear, she was putting the decorations up. I was 8, I was scared. Im still scared of the dark, the cold and yellow eyes staring at me. So what did I do? I fucked and fucked and drank and stuffed my face I was a ruin and then I thought...I dont have to be this way anymore, I can be perfect, just a little more I thought, so much to do, so little time, so much fat to melt away, and Im almost there, Im almost perfect.
I wish

Ugly -Smashing Pumpkins

I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
It's not me
So beautiful and free
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
I was born so beautiful
But now I'm ugly

And I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
I know there's nothing I can say
To change
The judgment in their ways
I'll never be what you need
Can't help at all
My love was so beautiful
But now I'm ugly
Yeah...

I'm good enough, but I don't care
I'm good enough, but I'm not there
I'm good enough, but I don't care
The sun is out, but I'm not there

(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough, but I don't care (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) The sun is out, but I'm not there (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere)
(I can go anywhere) I'm good enough (...somewhere)

I don't look in the mirror
I don't like what I see staring back at me
Everything is clearer
I'll never see what you see
And I rot in my skin
As a piece of me dies everyday
I know I'm nothing
Because I'm ugly

and dont you forget it..............