Locked inside this mortal shell, forced to quarry with the incestcial swarm that is reality. Blinded by a blindfold of what I've been forced to see, my mouth covered with the hand of law and manner. Driven entirely upon rage derived from lies and deception from years past.... walking out into it all unable to grasp why. Hands tied behind my back, feet shackled by this human pain, wasting it all, trying to rid of it.. the weakness that is me, the weakness you will find.. but I shall never fall.... only you shall fall before me.
 

.....drip....drip...drip....

Finding myself trapped in the bowels of my mind, forced to critisize my own life. Forced to watch playback in my head of days past... losing all sense of gravity and reality. Anarchy has driven me mad, no doubt. Not like I wasn't mad enough before. Ive become a slave to the people. Doing the bitchwork for Jonathyn. It's becoming a chore. It's nothing like my old federation. Everything has to be done a certain way. I am not acoustomed to all this force and overbearingness of a man who I barely know.

.....drip....drip....drip...

It figures enough.. I had always thought of him as a father to me.. one that I never had. One I hadn't killed yet.... but he always ignored me, or shoved me aside with yesterday's trash. I bet people like Rigg enjoyed seeing that. So now here I am, he finally noticed me. I'm not just the chump girl in the back with a loud mouth. I've actually done things I've said, unlike the cynical asses like Bigg Rigg or Gecko. And here's my payment. A job of being someone's bitch. I guess get used to it, or get the hell out, right?

......drip...drip....drip..
.
*SMASH*

The mirror of my old fashioned vanity shattered under my fist. I hadn't realized I put that much effort into it. But shit happens. And in the meantime, you buy some more mirors.

"Seven years bad luck..."

I laughed. Seven years bad luck. Fuck that crazy notion. I was a firm believer in intuition and superstition and that didn't even phase me. Let bad luck come. I've dealt with it before. It's about as easy as Wild Orchid walking through a man's gym. She could take one step in and already be all kinds of screwed. That's probably why Rigg is always up grabbing himself trying to look inportant. Crabs can be awfully itchy. Never had them, but I heard it through the grapevine.

.......drip.....drip.....drip....

The catacombs inside my head are long and dreary.... I feel the movie that relates the most to me, is Beauty and the Beast. For the mere part of the weeping, sorrow red rose under the glass.... wilting slowly.. falling apart... yet the only key to complete and utter happiness and bliss. But suprisingly, it is not because of love. Or not loving. Love has nothing to do with it. Not this rose. I don'tbelieve I have loved. I think I've lusted. I think I've been stupid. So the red rose symbolzes my sanity... slipping away.....

.....drip....drip.....drip.....

Looking up to the ceiling, I catch my reflection in the sunroof glass. I smile, watching my hand come to my lips with a freshly lit ciggarette. Inhale, exhale. Suck in the cancer. Die free. I had caught a glimpse of Jem Williams's promo today. It hadn't suprised me a bit. But the feelings in my stomach did suprise me. Only for a certain reason. People underestimate me. They do it all the time. And the one man I thought wouldn't do that, underestimated me big time. He assumed that I'd be angry with him for having himself a new play-toy. Or that I'd wallow in petty arguements and feeling sorry for myself. That amuses me all fine and dandy. And I may have done that before.... but never again. Not for a foolish man.

....drip....drip...drip....

The water was churning fromt he faucet earlier. It had died to a soft tricle, then to a slight drip. The water had run free of the old-system water tank. Frigid cold water.. under my fingers.... reminded me of the tears i had shed... for so long had they fallen from the eye, now run dry.... no more crying for the lost and decieved. I turned the faucet all the way off, the dripping stopped.

--------s-i-l-e-n-c-e--------

Ahhhhhh. Beauty of the silence. It is hard to enjoy silence when all the voices talk to you, arguing with eachother over petty issues. It is hard to think about the real probalems at hand. The problem wasn't Jem. He wasn't the problem at all. There was no problem. I had helped sign him into his contract. Without Jonathyn and I sitting to talk about his coming into Commisionership of Anarchy, Jem wouldn't be where he was today. But I am not expect him to kiss my shoes for it. But it is sad to see that over all this time that he would let a little bit of stress come between us. Anarchy is stressful to run. And when I'm on a mission, get the hell out of my way. but he made a poor choice. I had to correct it. And the only way I could correct ti was to please the fans even more. ANd what better way to do it, than for two old lovebirds to finally fight mano-e-mano in the ring. "Clash of the Titans"..... Jem Vs. Kitten.

No.

Instead, this was Jem vs. The world. Somehow, I became his ultimate enemy. It wassad to see that when for a long time we had been friends. NO matter how much we deny it now, we were dancing around the thought of a relationship, but never went there. We just... hovered above.. 'benefits' I suppose. It makes me angry with myself to think I had given in a little to him.. just to have him hate me now. And if it was for the 'attitude' I had at Anarchy, then I have a perfectly good explaination. I never signed a contrac with Jon to have my own staff anyhow.

This was bullshit.

It usually happened to me this way, but I learned to move on. But I really don't want to kill Jem. I've changed since I've last stepped into the ring. Seriously. I can't even control myself anymore. Should I go easy on him? No.. he won't go easy on me. I don't know what to do. If I lose, even if it's on purpose... I will lose Anarchy. I will lose the position I have earned int he eyes of the fans... and plus, Bigg Rigg would have a field day. ANd I really don't need him running his half-witted overly prideful mouth about shit he has no idea bout. But if Jem loses, I don't know.. I wouldn't want that shit following him. I guess there is a difference between people like him and people like me. I guess I'm not so cold-hearted after all. That is what a friendship was supposed to be. But he has thrown it right out the window. Shows how much friendship could mean to a guy. So I guess no, I'll lay it on him hard. Show him, and any other son of a bitch who thinks they can pass by Kitten and get away with it. Show him.. show Revolution.

Life is Hell.

Shuriken has made an impression on the XWF already. Massive man, with discipline of a Nazi. But calm, and coordinated. It was odd to have him burst into the show whilst Jem and I were speaking to the audience. It was an unwelcome intrusion, I don't care if you were Pamela Anderson or Jesus Christ himself. Unwelcome means not wanted. He was unwelcome. But something has struck me odd with the new addition tot he roster. Shruiken is different than the other wrestlers by far, but still something strikes me odd. I feel I will follow his movements to the best of my ability. I am no ninja, but I have been trained in the likes of Martial Arts. I don't think I'l follow too far behind.

Job is hell.

I don't know what's going on inside my head. Perhaps a hot bath will help my cooperate. And tehn maybe the next time I am sen I'll be more presentable. I suppose so. Anarchy, Jonathyn, Jem, unwelcome guests, Revolution.... it's not like it's the worst that's happened. Hell, this is pretty damn easy to deal with. I jsut suppose it's hard to do it all alone, whilst getting stabbed in the back. It makes me with people like Black Widow were here. Or Steve Jason. does anyone remember him anymore? Hell, I bet I had scared him off long ago. It used to be great talking with him. Dougy at least could give me a good laugh. Him and Jem. But I guess it is only me here in all this shattered glass from my mirror. Over and over again I have to look at myself.

Bath.... Gym.... Gym....Bath.....Take my mind off of things. Slow down. Calm thyself.

Sleep.