Finding myself trapped in the bowels
of my mind, forced to critisize my own life. Forced to watch playback
in my head of days past... losing all sense of gravity and reality.
Anarchy has driven me mad, no doubt. Not like I wasn't mad enough before.
Ive become a slave to the people. Doing the bitchwork for Jonathyn.
It's becoming a chore. It's nothing like my old federation. Everything
has to be done a certain way. I am not acoustomed to all this force
and overbearingness of a man who I barely know.
It figures enough.. I had always thought
of him as a father to me.. one that I never had. One I hadn't killed
yet.... but he always ignored me, or shoved me aside with yesterday's
trash. I bet people like Rigg enjoyed seeing that. So now here I am,
he finally noticed me. I'm not just the chump girl in the back with
a loud mouth. I've actually done things I've said, unlike the cynical
asses like Bigg Rigg or Gecko. And here's my payment. A job of being
someone's bitch. I guess get used to it, or get the hell out, right?
The mirror of my old fashioned vanity shattered under my fist. I hadn't
realized I put that much effort into it. But shit happens. And in the
meantime, you buy some more mirors.
"Seven years bad
I laughed. Seven years bad luck. Fuck that crazy notion. I was a firm
believer in intuition and superstition and that didn't even phase me.
Let bad luck come. I've dealt with it before. It's about as easy as
Wild Orchid walking through a man's gym. She could take one step in
and already be all kinds of screwed. That's probably why Rigg is always
up grabbing himself trying to look inportant. Crabs can be awfully itchy.
Never had them, but I heard it through the grapevine.
The catacombs inside my head are long and dreary.... I feel the movie
that relates the most to me, is Beauty and the Beast. For the mere part
of the weeping, sorrow red rose under the glass.... wilting slowly..
falling apart... yet the only key to complete and utter happiness and
bliss. But suprisingly, it is not because of love. Or not loving. Love
has nothing to do with it. Not this rose. I don'tbelieve I have loved.
I think I've lusted. I think I've been stupid. So the red rose symbolzes
my sanity... slipping away.....
Looking up to the ceiling, I catch my reflection in the sunroof glass.
I smile, watching my hand come to my lips with a freshly lit ciggarette.
Inhale, exhale. Suck in the cancer. Die free. I had caught a glimpse
of Jem Williams's promo today. It hadn't suprised me a bit. But the
feelings in my stomach did suprise me. Only for a certain reason. People
underestimate me. They do it all the time. And the one man I thought
wouldn't do that, underestimated me big time. He assumed that I'd be
angry with him for having himself a new play-toy. Or that I'd wallow
in petty arguements and feeling sorry for myself. That amuses me all
fine and dandy. And I may have done that before.... but never again.
Not for a foolish man.
The water was churning fromt he faucet
earlier. It had died to a soft tricle, then to a slight drip. The water
had run free of the old-system water tank. Frigid cold water.. under
my fingers.... reminded me of the tears i had shed... for so long had
they fallen from the eye, now run dry.... no more crying for the lost
and decieved. I turned the faucet all the way off, the dripping stopped.
Ahhhhhh. Beauty of the silence. It is hard to enjoy silence when all
the voices talk to you, arguing with eachother over petty issues. It
is hard to think about the real probalems at hand. The problem wasn't
Jem. He wasn't the problem at all. There was no problem. I had helped
sign him into his contract. Without Jonathyn and I sitting to talk about
his coming into Commisionership of Anarchy, Jem wouldn't be where he
was today. But I am not expect him to kiss my shoes for it. But it is
sad to see that over all this time that he would let a little bit of
stress come between us. Anarchy is stressful to run. And when I'm on
a mission, get the hell out of my way. but he made a poor choice. I
had to correct it. And the only way I could correct ti was to please
the fans even more. ANd what better way to do it, than for two old lovebirds
to finally fight mano-e-mano in the ring. "Clash of the Titans".....
Jem Vs. Kitten.
Instead, this was Jem vs. The world. Somehow, I became his ultimate
enemy. It wassad to see that when for a long time we had been friends.
NO matter how much we deny it now, we were dancing around the thought
of a relationship, but never went there. We just... hovered above..
'benefits' I suppose. It makes me angry with myself to think I had given
in a little to him.. just to have him hate me now. And if it was for
the 'attitude' I had at Anarchy, then I have a perfectly good explaination.
I never signed a contrac with Jon to have my own staff anyhow.
This was bullshit.
It usually happened to me this way,
but I learned to move on. But I really don't want to kill Jem. I've
changed since I've last stepped into the ring. Seriously. I can't even
control myself anymore. Should I go easy on him? No.. he won't go easy
on me. I don't know what to do. If I lose, even if it's on purpose...
I will lose Anarchy. I will lose the position I have earned int he eyes
of the fans... and plus, Bigg Rigg would have a field day. ANd I really
don't need him running his half-witted overly prideful mouth about shit
he has no idea bout. But if Jem loses, I don't know.. I wouldn't want
that shit following him. I guess there is a difference between people
like him and people like me. I guess I'm not so cold-hearted after all.
That is what a friendship was supposed to be. But he has thrown it right
out the window. Shows how much friendship could mean to a guy. So I
guess no, I'll lay it on him hard. Show him, and any other son of a
bitch who thinks they can pass by Kitten and get away with it. Show
him.. show Revolution.
Life is Hell.
Shuriken has made an impression on the XWF already. Massive man, with
discipline of a Nazi. But calm, and coordinated. It was odd to have
him burst into the show whilst Jem and I were speaking to the audience.
It was an unwelcome intrusion, I don't care if you were Pamela Anderson
or Jesus Christ himself. Unwelcome means not wanted. He was unwelcome.
But something has struck me odd with the new addition tot he roster.
Shruiken is different than the other wrestlers by far, but still something
strikes me odd. I feel I will follow his movements to the best of my
ability. I am no ninja, but I have been trained in the likes of Martial
Arts. I don't think I'l follow too far behind.
Job is hell.
I don't know what's going on inside my head. Perhaps a hot bath will
help my cooperate. And tehn maybe the next time I am sen I'll be more
presentable. I suppose so. Anarchy, Jonathyn, Jem, unwelcome guests,
Revolution.... it's not like it's the worst that's happened. Hell, this
is pretty damn easy to deal with. I jsut suppose it's hard to do it
all alone, whilst getting stabbed in the back. It makes me with people
like Black Widow were here. Or Steve Jason. does anyone remember him
anymore? Hell, I bet I had scared him off long ago. It used to be great
talking with him. Dougy at least could give me a good laugh. Him and
Jem. But I guess it is only me here in all this shattered glass from
my mirror. Over and over again I have to look at myself.
Bath.... Gym.... Gym....Bath.....Take
my mind off of things. Slow down. Calm thyself.