Empty and alone, am I. Withering slowly in the existance that had been a torture-bidden, fear-stricken one. Waking up in breaths deep, soaked in sweat and the illusion of the nightmare we live everyday. In the middle of a city, looking to be somewhere in the wrong side of town. Trash lays about, houses eroding from years and years of missing improvement dates and the carlessness of their owners. Mixed races from white to black huddled in groups along the street, mostly a bunch of neighborhood friends talking a lot of shit. Pack-Rats. Porch-Monkeys. The whole stero-typical 'ghetto' in the small state Kitten had hailed from. She returned to bask in the glory of our government... the rotting corpses of roadkill, the road crews taken from the state to conserve street budget. People stopped caring as prices rose and war became inevitable. Businesses closed after September 11th, leaving this town almost completely abandoned. But in this small community... the dirty roaches strived to survive.
~Smoking a rolled herb, watching the red bud glow it's luminous red sunset glow. Exhale... watch the smoke dance... Take another drag, pull into the exstacy that is the mirage they feed us. Exhale... Inhale.. start over with anew tomorrow.~
I touched Gabriel's pale cheek, stroking a long peice of blonde hair from it's place. I knew I had to leave her with an old friend from my childhood. It wasn't the best place. But there still was school down the street in the old high school - for all ages and ethnic groups.... there was a park nearby.. and the last of the law inforcement sat watching like vultures from afar. At least Gabriel wouldn't have to see what she saw... Cyren hitting me. I never want her to see that. Watching my father hit my mother ... beat her face into the linoleum floor in the kitchen with a meat tenderizing hammer... it ruined me. It was like a tv... it just... click.... it was off. But I knew I'd be back for my Gabbie'. I'd have to be. She's my new daughter. But a week or less would be fine. She'd love playing with the many many kids around the neighborhood.
~Touch her face, kiss her cheek. Close the door, wave bye-bye. Not a second to lose, spread your wings, take a running leap, be prepared to fly~
I had a private jet arrange to take me back to the XWF. I had a few issues to take care of with particular people. And not only did I want my daughter to be away from the shit when it hit the fan.. but I wished Cyren to get away from it too. Cyren had done a lot of damage. He had a lot of enemies. But knowing him.. he would just sit back and bask in it. Like it was sunlight to tan the palest of skin, gently. He loved chaos. Mass destrucion... unique crimes... poetry and such. It was quite attractive. Appealing in all sorts of manners. But there was things I had come to realize in my absence I wished to share with the biggest hard-head in the federation...
Six and a half hours later, the night sky an ominous cloud of black and white specs twinkled a heavenly pleasentness throughout the area. The warmer temperatures felt good against skin that had been covered since the leaves turned. The wind danced the swing with my hair, blowing the newly growing strands about the back of my neck, just grazing the bottom of my chin. I walked from the airport to the interstate, where a bus kindly enough stopped to see if I needed assistance. With an extra tip, and one hell of a fake smile.. I managed to take a spot at the back of the bus, hanging onto the rail from the ceiling. I was prepared for this, I had thought about doing it since the first day the first angry word was spoken between us. I wanted to say things so bad. Things I wouldn't say in fear of losing his interest. I became aquainted quickly with where people could be found, knowing what time and place of each member's engagements.
Steve Jason at this time no doubt would be in the locker room, alone. Maybe with Dougy or maybe Steve Sayors by his side. If he happened to be around anyone else, there still would be not a care in the world by me. I didn't intend for this to be a hostile situation. After all... I'm not barbaric... but Steve Jason... we'd have to see.
~Creeping up behind you, avoiding your attention. Stealthy gaze and swift movements keep the corner of your eye, empty. Suprise, suprise, you happy to see me?... Look at what time can change...~
Steve Jason had sat up, then stood, facing directly at me. He was not happy that I was there. I felt the aura of the room switch dramatically from concentration to rage. It was a feeling I wasn't comfortable with. Not because of what he could do to me... but what I would do to him.. and anyone who would try and stop me. I had a bone to pick with him. Now whether that be my bone or his bone... would be the final decision.
"A clairification needs to be made."
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Steve Jason crossed his arms, looking at me with a stern expression. Apparently, I was 'invading his turf' or something of that likeness. I knew he wanted to rip me apart from where he stood. But I felt no fear as I looked at him, nor anything else. Just pure energy of the words that escaped my lips.
~Take the breath inward, part thy lips to speak. Hoping each word holds a meaning you will find, you hadn't been a dissapointment before.~
"Time does change things, Stephen. And you are one of those things that have changed. And maybe you haven't seen it or maybe you haven't felt it... but I know it. Because I know it all too well.... You are a very hostile person, Steve Jason. Not only within the realm of your mind that decides where to strike the punches... but you are prejudgemental and highly tempremental. And before I go into this.. 'clarification'.. I want you to think about this one thing...."
A deep hope rose within me, desperate for the wills of the cosmos would lead his fate to that of the truth. For him to open his eyes completely, and look at the world outside of the false-y happiness and colored foregrounds. To look behind it ... or at least to understand that people all see the world in a different way... and not "Steve Jason's" way.
"... We can constantly fight back and forth. We can shoot off slander and libel all we want and accomplish nothing. The people that are your enemies will drown out.. and all of our energy will be focused upon eachother.. the negative energy we both posess, flared in the wrong directions. Because Steve Jason... we both know that I am not your biggest opponent. And we both know I have several things to do before I ever would try for the "Undeniable". But what drives me mad... is that I had thought you much more decent than your current behaviors. I thought you were more mature. Sure, I do not have much to say since I was very immature. I KNOW it..I was terrible. But times have changed. And you don't know me as 'un-intelligent' or 'immature' any longer. You have been spreading this.. this shit-talking gossip around too far. First I hear you are calling me a Blair-Witch Wannabe. Well.. no matter how flattering that may be, I really do not need you mocking the beliefs that seem real to me. You don't see me carrying a bible cursing at the Lord in vain, do you? No.. that is Cyren. Yes.. I am affiliated with him. But that doesn't mean we always view things the same way."
Steve showed no emotion, the gripping fear that he was lost, and wanted me dead clenched at my voice box. Men.. were so hard-headded.
"What has bothered me moreso was that you go about saying "Kitten still wants me". I am not going to debate whether I want to be with you or not.. BUT, I will tell you right now the honest truth.. I don't."
Steve laughed sarcastically, looking away from me. It was hard to imagine he held me in his arms on the way to the hospital... this cold hearted man was the same one who saved me from many obstacles... avenged Jem's attack.. and even attempted to avenge me.. It was just to hard to see it in those cold, solid eyes.
"....But I did. And that is the change that has come between me and you. Which sends me to several judements. That somehow I am not wrapped around your little finger anymore... and now there is some ego-threat upon you. Like "ah-ha, she didn't stick around which means you can't get women'... Now that I am not following you like a sick puppy.. it is like you have serious issues with an issue smaller than a breakup. it is like some stupid male driven gluttony. And it is really pitiful.. expecially when I thought I could trust you."
~His stale stance is driving my migrane to fritz. Losing myself in thoughts of why, trying to break through the ignorance. His lips parted in an angry snarl, ready to rip my flesh from bone. I felt the heat rise from his body, an angry force I wish I could get to clean his ears out, and listen.~
"It really hurt how you mocked what I felt for you. You had helped me. You stick your fist in and pulled me from the wreckage that was my life and soul, and breathed life down my throat once again to warm my heart. And I thought the world of you. But then... you mocked those feelings. You were just like the others. Backstabbing. You say you hate me.. why?.. What have I really done?.. It was Cyren's Order. I'm at my own desolate end of The Order. There was only once I had attacked.. and that was Andrew Gibson and you KNOW I have plenty of reasons. Which is funny that you say you avenged me... because you only beat up on a non-existing Bigg Rigg. He hardly was resent after his attack upon me. All Rigg was, was talk. And that is all he remains. But you know what?.. I still watched from afar.. preparing.. thankful. Gracious. But Andrew Gibson comes back... and I expect to see some sort of blow up. YOU'VE GOT A MURDERER IN YOUR FED! Not just one you'd see in a Trent Gein promo... but the kind that kills other members of the fed. Wrestlers... friends. But the memory of Kitten.. faded away. And soon.. I wasn't even existant as more than a blip at the end of the radar screen. Never even inducted into some sort of hall of fame.. And I think.. I was the first Woman who won the Universal Here.. and if I wasn't that.. then I was one of the very few. Maybe I didn't do things the way people wanted me to. But I have fallen down this rocky hill all my life.. and if I happen to fall in shit.. then I'll go bathe... if I fall into luck.. then goodie for me. Because you just don't know what it is like being me.... that is why you don't understand."
I couldn't tell if his mood changed at all.. I was too wrapped up in telling him 'how it was'. I hated when people had the story wrong. I hated tis fight between me and him. We are two of the most toughest, strongest people in this fed. He being at the top of the men.. I.. being the ULTIMATE of the females. Which is why I no longer applied myself in the Women's Division. It was too... mediocre of a job. They all have it too easy. But we being the strongest people.. and fighting was ludacrious. Instead of a constant arguement and the blood and tears of hard work against eachother... they should unite.. being unstoppable.
"You blame me for Cyren's actions. Even before anyone knew who I was... you were yelling about The Order.. and at one point specifically.. The Secret Serpent... defiling 'YOUR' fed... leaving them all to punishment. And of course.. to keep myself under the shadow of anonymousity, I talked some shit back to you. And it was fun that way. But suddenly I became the root.. the main cause of all the evil in this federation. Okay.. maybe people wanted me dead... maybe all that time you wanted me to just die and leave you alone.. but I had thought you better than that. Expecially when you went on and on about my menstural cycle? That I am a 'slab of meat' to you? What kind of friendships do you have, anyhow?... Maybe that is why you haven't told Felicia the little 'secret', huh? I bet you STILL haven't have you....."
Steve remained silent.. I took it then that he hadn't. But.. for a split second.. I thought I had struck a nerve.
"I have seen some shit, Stephen. I have been through hell. But I conquered it. I am on top of it now. And now I have found my niche in the drum. And now I beat to my own tune. But somehow that isn't right to you. I'm not a god-fearing, slightly wasted surfer from the middle of the ocean. I am not that. And if that is what happiness is.. then cool for you. But it isn't me. That is just not me. So how about you take your judgements.. and shove them in the direction that deserves it the most. I may be a part of the Order.... But I am not a servant of the Order. I do have my own mind.. rather than the cows that follow under the thumb of over-paid and over-fed wrestlers I know around here. And with that mind I make my own decisions. I decide where the fuck and what the fuck I am going to do each day. Not Cyren. And if I happen to be present when something bad goes down... it doesn't mean I helped.. or that I approved. Cyren does his own thing. We all know that."
I sighed. I doubted anything fell through his thick skull, and into his head. The pedestal the XWF legends had been put on proved to be one of the most powerful totems around. More important than respect... because in this world.. it was the ULTIMATE respect to be upon that pedestal. But some arrogant, stubborn bastards refused to move. Or some became tyrannic, running the fed like a Communism Democracy. The modern-day Hitler.
"But I am going to be who and what I want to be, Steve. And that is something everyone hated so much about me before... but I cared then. It hurt what people said... but what has happened since I've been gone... It doesn't mean SHIT. You can keep talking behind my back and getting all angry at me... or .. we can be adults."
I stared at him, wishing and praying for some sort of guiding light that told him 'this is not a joke'.
"...We used to be good friends, right? I mean.. I had your back you had mine... I saved your life a couple times I think... and you did mine... it was a connection. Nothing more and I realize that now. I was naive. I saw a man with physical attributes that attracted my eye and followed it like Homer Simpson walking to the Doughnut Shop. But that was then... this is now."
~My words a jabbing knife, my tongue the kiss of the dragon. Ripping new thoughts that hadn't been claimed.. or maybe it'll all end with his fist. Either way I walk out humble, unable to express what pain I feel inside. For more reasons than the abandonment my colleagues did to me after my death.... more reasons than my enemies... it is beyond comprehension...~
"I... I don't know if any of this means anything to you.. or if it has sunk in yet... but this is the most honest I have been. I've come back to this federation to start over again.. and prove I'm no chump pussy with an anger problem who screws her way to the top. Because I've never done that, Steven. I'm not like the rest of these little bitches around here. I got class. I had to.. or I would have been killed. And now that I am back... I tried to keep my idenity secret.. but I heard you talking shit. Sterotyping me with the rest of the 'gothic' people this stable has turned out to be. But I am nobody else BUT myself. ANd I will remain Lillith R. Groves for the rest of my life and I will be proud of it. Because I don't give a fuck anymore."
I walked closer to him, feeling his urge of anger swell. I didn't know if he was actually pinned by my words.. or if he heard them at all. But standing next to him, I noticed that I had actually changed dramatically. I was at least an inch taller then I was before, mostly from working on leg and back muscles. I was toned... no cuts.. no bruises.. I was.. Lillith. Not the creature from hell Steve had tried calling me. I stuck one red nail to his chest, poking a muscle slightly. I had hoped this made more of an impact thinking wise. I didn't think it was too smart though... because many times retarded, immature men went off saying I was hitting on them. Half the men on this Earth aren't worth the dirty, roach-infested cess-pool crotch hole they crawled from. And I have been beginning to believe... that even attractive forgieners were just another one of them.
"I'm not playing games with you, Steve. This feud is pointless. One.. because you have had your information all wrong. The Order has helped me get back into the XWF, along with established some fucking help if I need it. Andrew Gibson is after me, Steve. Just like he was before. But this time, I know it. But instead of something important to whine about.. it is because I took his World Title away from him.. rather.. helped Default keep it. What happened to everyone's help when Bigg Rigg ran out during Snow Job, and threw me off of the cage?... When Jon Page jumped weakily from the cage, on top of Rigg and I?... No one was there for me, Steve. So all this time I have done it for myself. And now that help is abound... I'm taking advantage. I'm not going to be fucked over. If everyone else can have their help... I can too. I did nothing to defile your fed. Spraypaint can be painted over. It isn't like I took a shit on your grandma's grave. All I did was show him my face.... So maybe I wear black. Maybe I'm not christian. Maybe I'm not the stereotypical bimbo-bitch blonde haired lolly-pop weilding whore people want me to be. But I am glad I am me now, Steve. And it was something I wish I could have been told long ago."
I took another step closer, avoiding the thought I was in danger.
"I over-estimated you, Steve. And you under-estimated me. I guess this makes us completely even. It is your choice where you want to go from here. But all I know is that if we continue this feud.. it won't stop until we are the very last ones alive... standing on the last chunk of the ring. You are a beast, Stinger. Not as an insult, we both know this. You are a beast. But for as long as you avoid affection.. being... your wife-thing.....the more pissed she will be when she finds out. And maybe that is half your problem anyway...Not enough affection.."
~The aching pain of someting in my throat, like a large beach ball choking back my tears. The words so important unable to escape, leaving me with a dry mouth, and silence in the air.~
"...I did love you. I.. I think. But love is a two-sided thing. And when only one has a heart... it is kinda hard. But when you come back from the 'dead' to hear you've fallen off the face of the Earth... your killer walks around scotch-free....and then your friends start talking a bunch of shit.... you aren't just going to sit back and relax...."
I felt pressure against my finger. I was pressing on his chest awfully hard with my finger. I was upset. Never had I felt so disrespected. But I didn''t ant to come off as threatening.. unless.. I HAD to. I stepped backwards, just looking at Steve. He was so different. A different person. But I... am I different woman.
I walked to the door of the weight room, popping a Menthol into my mouth. With a flick of one finger, the end glowed a bright orange, releasing smoke into the air. I turned, only for one last thing....
"....Real men admit their mistakes. I take that for women too. I said my peice. Now lets see how much of a man you are...."
And I walked away.
~No chance of tears, no place for fears. Only a single wish and hope on my mind to find sanity in a world so cold.~