Dark. Like the area around the dim light of pain and torment in my head. The dark consumed me in the depth of night.
~ Red, under the soil lies the blood in the rivers of hell~
Coming back was the most glorious thing. I had no idea how much I really enjoyed this job. It wasn't even a job. It had brought be out of the dark. Never will I name what happened after my 'death'. I say 'death' lightly. But I didn't NOT die. Because I DID die. A peice of me. A peice of me.. that cared.
~Blanketed by a silver mist of pain, piercing like a sword through my heart. I watched as you left from me... my final peice of hope.~
Andrew Gibson was quite the piece of work. Already, before the chance for the medicine reacted with the wounds Default and I had caused, he was screaming bloody murder and pointing his fingers at everyone but himself. I had thought more of him, really. Even though he defiled the friendship between Black Widow and I, when he decided it was best to slap his dick around the table for everyone to lick. Even though he attacked her dilibratley trying to get at me. Even when he wrapped his hands around my throat in my most desperate hour. I had thought of him as stronger, though. But once again I had been dooped. He had no strength. He couldn't hold back his anger. He couldn't keep his focus. All he had to do was pull that flaming cloak off his head. But nope. And that was HIS fault. Not anyone else's. His own. It was his fault he wasn't chewing on gold. Because if fate thought him best to have gold.. he would have had it. And thats what is really sad. Andrew Gibson must have been one of the most unhappiest children on Earth. With his low stamina and flamboyant sex-life, he is bound to be 6 feet under crawling with AIDS... dead.. alone.. and miserable in the afterlife. I knew what they all said behind my back.. once I had 'left' the picture. I know what happened. Because I watched it all from afar. Never once had I been close to death. Yes, Andrew Gibson thought himself smart to strangle me in a comatose sleep. It took three men to take me down in the worst time of my life. Black Widow had died out of my life. I was rejected, alone, and wanted to die. And still it took three men to take me out. Jon Page and Bigg Rigg together at Snow Job..., and Andrew Gibson pulling the plug. But you know what? Revenge isn't even that sweet with him. It all falls too easy into the puzzle before me. He is only step one.. and the least of my problems.
~The banging of the eardrum sending a painful wave of hell through my mind, as I try to remember the last time I was happy~
Jem Williams. He had been on the verge of the Universal Title the last time I remember speaking to him. Unfortunately, the fame must have caught up with him and made him stupid. I almost thought I cared when I saw him throw Sayors against the wall in anger when Sayors asked him of me. I thought I had cared because his actions almost hurt. ALMOST. But now I smile. Because he deserved what he gets out of whatever relationship he gets. If he can blow off a friendship... what had been what I had hoped was genuine... that... feeling I thought we shared.... if he can blow that off.. then any relationship he thinks he has can be blown off just as easily. Leaving any woman in distress and pain. So.. they deserve what they get. The bruises left upon my heart will eventually fade away... but the hate... forever burns.
~Unsure of the fate between us lies the abundant reminder of hell. Slowly a worm leaking acid crawls up my spine, leaving my in paralisis forever.~
I never knew just how close I could get with Steve Jason. Now that I think about it though.. I guess it was just desperation. I don't know how I could have ever found interest in someone so prejudice. There is no way in hell I could have. And now that I am physically and mentally free; detatched of the pain and thinking that plagued me... I can see just why he never subdued to my calls to him. Arrogance. Just like the mutha-fucka in the parking lot who dared to challenge me. But he was just a coward, after I looked to his soul. Just a coward. Crying and sputtering like a little baby. Which makes me wonder why Steve avoided me. Perhaps it was so he never had to look in my eyes.. so I couldn't see him for what he really was. Yes, he's a champion and it is undeniable and whatever the hell else. Hs pride for his country is unbreakable and his will could never be penetrated by the spear of defeat. Yay. But until this day, I just never realized how much of a dick he could be.
HIS fed. HIS show. ANd the nerve that he called me, along with The Order a bunch of whatever gothics and all that mess. He had no right. For some reason everyone else can be what they want to be. Everyone else can group up and be somebody instead of a nothing. But then.. there are the nothings. The ones who have been nothings their whole lives. They band together, hoping to bring something good out of their allegence, but most of the time it had all failed. There could be Unloaded, Fully Loaded and what-not... but The Order? No-way! No way in hell could the nobodies try and re-vamp their lives to make them 'somebodies'. Nobodies should remain nobodies. They are all outcasts and since they aren't in a pink diving suit holding a boomerang and a surf-board.. the remain NOTHING. I don't get how everyone can have that chance to be their ultimate dream... it is revoked or mocked by some forgiener. Sorry, buddy. But this is AM-ER-I-CA. Can you say.. Am-er-i-ca?...
People are mad that The Order is standing on top. That The Order is the strongest. That the Order.. a TRUE stable, stands behind it's members. That these nothings are what need to be destroyed to bring back frilly bows and jolly laughs. I beg to differ. Because all of those people that are pissed at The Order.. are the people who have been trampled upon for underestimating The Order. If I could only get my hands on a few of those who think The Order is a band of cowards covered in black paint.
~Apologies escape my lips, for reasons I have none. I am crying but know nothing of why, clutching what little I had of you.~
Maybe I'm just talking a bunch of bullshit. Maybe I'm in for a world of hell. But maybe the little man finally wormed out of the bull, finding it's place in the sun. I have no anger for Bigg Rigg, Jon Page, Steve Jason, Andrew Gibson or Jem. None. I am not angry. Unlike them, I can control that now. I learned to accept what I am a long time ago. I am a piece of meaningless shit, not even a niche in the cycle of life and the existance of eternity. I will die.. and be forgotten. No matter if I stand on that pedestal Steve Jason and Jem stand on. No matter if I slink below sewage like Bigg Rigg or Andrew Gibson. Or.. I could dissapear off the face of the Earth like Page... but in the end.. I will be forgotten. And now that I am over all of that... now that I have learned the truth.. I can surpass the empty-headed bimbo 'champs' we have yelling at The Order. I could even surpass all the shit-talking and apologize. I can say I'm sorry. I can say I was wrong. I can lick the shoes of the people who hate me. I can, and I know it. Because I had done it all my life. Unlike the pampering they had recieved.
~'Oh god, oh god oh god, I'm sorry!' But you stillwalked away, leaving me alone in this desolate world, cutting deep into my flesh.~
Maybe I can't lead.. maybe I can't follow. Maybe I won't raise Gabriel with the best intentions. Maybe I should have died. But I didn't. Which eans fate has something in store for me.. something BIG. Something it didn't want me to miss. Possibly.. the biggest accomplishment of my entire life. What is that?.. You will never know.
~Left behind on the bay near the sea, I watch the ship trail away. They laugh and wave as they look behind to mock me... but inside the hate burns.~
But whatever reason I am here... I know that I am alive. And I am alive to piss you all off.