Today was so gorgeous.
Really, it was.

Speaking of gorgeous, here's a picture of me from homecoming night (ok, I know, hardly gorgeous):

I got my senior pics. Hot DAMN, I look good! Wait until I get it scanned and put it up on here...your computer will orgasm.

According to a test I took at www.thespark.com I will die on June 7th, 2065. Check this out:
You can expect to die on:
June 7, 2065
at the age of 78 years old.

Cancer (39%)
Alien Abduction (20%)
Suicide (8%)
Homicide (6%)
Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation (6%)

Interesting, huh? Just wanted to share that. Plus I'm madly in love with John. I wanted to share that too.

It is astounding to my mind and devastating to my heart the impact your absence has on me. I am not affected by the inability to touch you or see you (though I do miss such things). Instead, I am simply affected by the lack of your presence. It is as though, when I am in your presence, your aura envelops mine and the two partake in a sort of intercourse that entirely distracts my mind and my heart from thoughts of goodbyes and hellos. This is, intrinsically, the magnetic pull I feel to you. It is not why I love you, or even a part of it; it is, instead, incentive to try and love you more. In this struggle I am daily making progress, though it is slow, and I refuse to ever allow this progress to slow (let alone stop altogether). And with each feat accomplished by my aggressive heart, I feel all the more satisfied with my heart and that work it’s done. But more important then all this, is the entirely simple and blatant fact that the one thing both of us have learned to do with an air of poetry and proof of perfection is loving one another.

Frankly said, I could really use a friend right now. I mean, of course, an actual friend: A person that I can trust and confide in and that can sympathize with me. My best friend is (obviously) John. I tell him everything, and he means the world to me. And even though he can understand me, I wish I had someone who could sympathize with me. The other thing is, it's a lot of pressure for John to be the only person I'm open with. Yeah, I'm pretty open with Darin. But lately he's been such an ass, and I really doubt he'd even care to hear about my troubles, let alone help me with them. Well fuck him, he's almost as untrustworthy as the asses at my church. It's not like I want a best friend to be my bitch and listen to me piss and moan constantly, I'd just like someone who listens and cares. John does that, but between him being so busy and the pressure of it, another friend certainly wouldn't hurt. But God, I doubt I could really find anyone like that. Even Sydney was hardly like that to me. I just wish I had someone else here too. Alrighty, I guess I have to do my homework now.

Today was long. I was at work for...I dunno, too long. Then I went to John's dorm. I was glad I go to see it (and him!) tonight. Last night Darin blew me off...it was very asswhole of him. But I called him tonight (kinda to talk to him, kinda to bitch him out) and felt really sick and it made me feel bad for being mad at all. Work's been pretty good lately. Hopefully my next paycheck will be heart-stoppingly large. That would be wonderful. Especially if I had enough money to buy a pacemaker and get it going again. (HA that was a funny). Check out what I wrote tonight- (the melody still needs some work, but I like it)

Lost in admiration is the best way when you have to fall
It’s all outside my window now, it’s never too late, hear my call
It’s always when I see you that I stumble over best of words
It’s never that I hear you like I never found a way to curse

That’s why
You’re right by
To hear me
When I start to fall

So I
I will find
A better time
A better wall

That’s how
You’ll find now
It’s better to cry
Than just live and die

And always
You’ll see me
Hiding back behind your wall

If life is just a stage than I am sorry for that poor stage crew
Just think of all the heavy lifting and all the stuff they have to do
If I could find a way out of this mad erection illusion
Then it would surely put aside in life so much of my confusions

So I
I must find
A way to hear
A way to see

Until I
I can know
All that happens
Around me

But till then
Once again,
I’ll be back
behind the wall

So you’ll know
What I don’t
Because I’m still
Afraid to fall

It's called "my wall." I like it. The chords are cozy. And that's hard to achieve, in my opinion. Anywho, I'm off to play with SimCity and wait for John and Mike's rave to get over.

I feel so fat today. I really do. But because I was so depressed about it, I ate more than normal. That made me sadder. I don't wanna be skinny-- just skinnier. I feel really unattractive. And I can't stop thinking about how skinny the girl in Bat Boy was. What if I never can get any good roles because of my huge ass thighs? That would suck.

I haven't talked to John all day. Apparently his "brunch" with Crazy Jim has turned into an all-day ordeal. Poor, poor John. It's also sad...I had said I was gonna hang out with Christie tonight. And as of now it's still the plan, but I really don't want to. I like Christie and all, but what sounds really fun right now is just watching The Simpsons with John. I hope he calls me soon. I've already called his house twice, and his cell phone is off. I dunno, if Christie does call me, I might lie and say I can't or something, because I'm not in the mood to go out tonight. Yeah I'm dressed and all, but I feel way too lazy and depressed. Goddamn fatness. Go away! :^(

Oprah is great. Gotta love her.

I miss John...A LOT. I can't wait to go home and see him. I'm really excited about this Scrapbook idea we came up with...it's really fun and SO cute...and I was worried that John wouldn't be into the idea at all, because it IS kinda cheesy and girly...but today he told me he might even start on it while I'm in Missouri! I love him so much...but I felt really bad because my dad kicked me off the computer while he was gone (it was a brb deal)...I feel terrible. I hope he knows how much I love him and miss him...adios, everyone.

Today was OK. At least I feel like a fair amount was accomplished.

I hung out with Miranda. We went and saw Chicago. It was pretty fun. The only uncool thing was that she smoked in my car, and now I SMELL LIKE IT! Good thing I keep Fabreeze in there. Yeah...she was telling me about how she's had sex with 3 different guys in the past two weeks. I mean, I don't want to judge because she has every right to do as she pleases, but one guy is 30 with a wife and child! I guess that's my only real problem. But Chicago was a really good movie, and overall it was pretty fun.

I went for a run today-- yay me! And I'll be playing some guitar and piano tonight. But I'm still really sad...I miss John so much!!! But hopefully he'll call me later. God I love that man... Adios, people.

John's leaving early tomorrow morning...so he went to bed early...I got to say bye to him in person, but I still miss him terribly. I'm watching the Dave Chappelle show in his honor. Eeeeeep I MISS HIM! (Not Dave Chappelle...John...) I think I'm gonna cry...YAYYY! John just called me! I got to tuck him in! :^D Yay...he makes me so happy!!!

I wrote this tonight:

Yep, I'm still all alone in Saline. It's madness, lately I've been hearing "Benny and the Jets" EVERYWHERE...it was playing in the Gap Outlet yesterday, it was on the radio when I was hanging out with Darin and Meghan (which is weird because I NEVER listen to the radio) and it was in Subway today. I'm going nuts...but I was so glad that I got to tuck him in last night, it felt great. I love him sooooo much and I miss him almost as much! I'm gonna pick up his present today, even though I'm not entirely sure what to get him.

The Spanish thing today was fun. I know they'll pick one of the two best teachers. It was a fun review too. After that I went to the library and checked out a few Broadway musicals on CD; including "Chicago," "Urinetown," "A Chorus Line," "Cats," and "Jesus Christ Superstar." I'm burning them all right now (haha).

God! I miss John sooooo much!!! I constantly just drift away into this state and all I can think about is him and how it feels to hold him and be held by him and kiss him and hold him and make love with him...it's actually pretty great, but I wish he were here and I wish those things were actually happening.

I hung out today with Darin and Meghan. We'll probably go out again later after Darin gets home from work. And I'm sooooo excited...Ms. Lauchu called me today and wants me to be one of 3 students helping interview the people trying to get the Spanish-teaching position next year! I feel bad, because I have to drop two shifts at the art fair (I didn't drop them actually, I just moved them) to do it, but it's such a great opportunity AND it'll be fun AND it'll look great on a college app.

Anywho, I must be off, just cause I'm tired of the internet. Adios.

Well this weekend was pretty good...work was fun last night because Darin was there and we got to mess around, and work tonight was pretty good because Nick was there.
The family is here...it's not bad, my uncle's funny. We all went and saw "A Mighty Wind" tonight. It just reminded me of John. I miss him sooooooooo much, it's rediculous. He was supposed to call tonight, and I even tried his cell phone, but he was probably busy and at some point soon he's gonna decide that it's too late to call...so I probably won't hear from him tonight...but that's ok because he knows I love him and I know he loves me and he knows that I'm cheesy as hell hahaha...but who knows, maybe he'll read this. Hopefully. Anywho, I'm off to bed...I love you, Little Bear!!!

I finally got a car. It's pretty nice...yeah I fucked it up a little, but it's still great.

Yeesh...I love John. Sometimes he'll just say something about how he loves me...and (as cheesy-ass as it sounds) it feels like it's tickling my tummy...hahaha, dear God I'm cheesy. But, like last night, he whispered, "I really wanna spend the rest of my life with you" and I said it back (of course :^)) But it's just meant soooo much, and you could tell that he meant it entirely. I hope he knows that I meant it entirely too...:^D

On top of the fact that the Florida trip doesn't look like it's going to happen AND I will probably have to go to mountain top, my parents decided today that I have to pay 60 fucking dollars for that damn math book because it's my fault. Apparently this is somehow linked to that "Footloose Fiasco" which is complete and utter bullshit. What pisses me off more than anything else is the fact that that was the money I was going to use to pay for my pills. It's really fucking messed up that I (now) can't afford them. John and I better haul ass to Planned Parenthood soon and set something up because this is too much to take. But it's sad enough that my mother is a bitch and I have to lie about taking them, AND I can't get them through my parents' insurance policy. My parents suck ass. When I'm a parent, I'd like to think that I would at least TALK to my kids about sex and the dangers and whatnot, if not willingly help them out however they need it (buying condoms, paying for the pill, etc...) and I think it's really fucked up that a parent (who should love their child)would try to deny them something as important as birth control and claim that they're just trying to protect their children. It's disgustingly ironic that because my parents are overprotective I have to pay for my own birth control, because in reality birth control is what's protecting me-- not them.

In conclusion, I would like to tell my parents to fuck off.

Added later that very day... This a snippet from the song I am in love with this week; It's by "The Postal Service," and it's called Such Great Heights

I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

And I have to speculate
that God Himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay.

And true it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
and when I am missing you to death.

Last night I hung out with Darin, it was a fun change-of-pace. Today John and I said bye bye to Consti, which was sad. But then we ran into Darin and went to the Aut Bar...that was fun. John rocks my world. So I wrote this poem that's about my life.

Flourishing
It's like flossing
Takes too much effort
To do sometimes
Although you know
It's important
To make your mind shine
More than the shadows
Still more than reality
More than emotion
It's all tangibility

-It's all a free fall
Until the rides all over
-Ending with the splat
And your brain's all over

Quicktime
Flash photography
How you'll see
When things are ending
Race by
Until bored
Hate life
Killed, roared
Although you know
It's important
To make your mind shine
More than the shadows
Still more than reality
More than emotion
It's all tangibility

-It's all a landslide
It's all a meltdown
It's all inside
It's all around

It's all a mudslide
It's all volcanic ash
It's all inside
Life's just a rash

Yes, I am PMSing very badly right now. So I must vent.

I have no idea where John is. He was supposed to see if he could come to dinner tonight to meet my grandparents...it would be one thing if he called and said he wasn't allowed to go because that wouldn't be in his control. But he didn't even tell me a yes or a no. I called his house at 4ish and he was getting ready for his interview. That was 5 hours ago. Must be one intense interview because I still haven't heard from him. I understand that he can't use the phone...but couldn't he use his cell phone on the way to or from the interview to tell me that he couldn't make dinner? Couldn't he have gotten online to tell me? I have been online (according to AIM) for 5 hours and 42 minutes now. And I've mostly just been staring at this screen hoping John will get here. I tried to get my parents to wait a while before starting dinner to see if maybe he'd call or get online and say he could come. Thank God they're assholes and wouldn't. And then there's the whole Kentucky thing. I told him a week ago about the recital and we were even going to the wiz afterwards. And he entirely forgot about it. It just makes me mad...why is it so easy for him to forget about me? Grrrrrrr...I don't know when I'll be able to see him. I'm working Friday, he's gone saturday...and I know I'm not supposed to be mad at him but dammit I am. I don't know why. Yes, it's dumb as hell, but so am I. He's online now...grrrrr...What makes me really mad is that I'm so in love with him. And I hate having to admit that when I'm mad, but I know I have too. Y'arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Nope, I couldn't go to graduation. I had to work/clean a shitload around the house. But that's not the point of this entry.

I'm sick today. Today has sucked. It's sucked ass, to be specific. I can't work, I can't do anything, and I'm pretty much just in a mondo bitchy mood. There's shit I need to deal with that I really just don't want to mess with. I'm off. Bye.

Amongst other things, I wrote this:

Outside my window it’s summer
But my heart will be frozen soon
Winter hides inside me
While the sun hides behind the moon

Inside your soft skin it’s springtime
But all by myself, autumn reigns
I wish I could live in your seasons
But my heart is refusing to change

CHORUS:
From summer to winter,
From spring to fall,
Beneath my smiles
I’ve died through it all
Misery is fleeting
But depression leaves you scarred
Snickers on their faces
It’s pounded into my heart

Inside my hands I hold
So small a breath to breathe
Inside my heart I have
So small, the courage to believe

I can cut through humidity of summer,
In autumn, shuffle through leaves,
melt through the snow of winter,
bleed through the rains of spring

CHORUS:
From summer to winter,
From spring to fall,
Beneath my smiles
I’ve died through it all
Misery is fleeting
But depression leaves you scarred
Snickers on their faces
It’s pounded into my heart

In a world of tri-monthly stages
With no one to change the paces
It’s snickering of their faces
They’ll never turn the pages
It’s pounded into my heart – this fear

So far a pretty darn good day considering the circumstances. Here's a survey because I'm bored:

1. What time is it? 9:21 pm

2. Name: Liz

3. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Elizabeth Sarah Wharton

4. Been anywhere other than America? Canada, baby!

5. Been toilet papering? Nope...kinda boring...

6. Love someone so much it made you cry? Oh yeah...

7. Been in a car accident? Yes.

8. creamy or nutty? depends on what this is a reference to.

9. Favorite day of the week? Tuesday.

10. Favorite word or phase? Sharkopath.

11. Favorite Restaurant? Fleetwood

12. Favorite flower? Dandelion

13. Favorite sport to watch? this survey sucks ass.

14. Favorite Drink(s)? Hawaiian Punch.

15. Favorite meat product? Hot dogs.

16. What offends you? The use of "gay," "homo," "Jewish," and "fag" as insults, incorekt gramar and speling-ness-ity, and your mom's ugly face.

17. Favorite type of music? John's stuff. That's kinda sad, but true.

18. What color is your bedroom? Mother of Pearl...only white.

19. Who is the first person you would call in a time of crisis? John

20. What is a body part you would change? Every part of it that doesn't look like Halle Barry.

21. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The Safe Sex Store in Ann Arbor. I just wanna see the largest size bag they carry there.

22. What do you do most often when you are bored? Annoy the hell out of John.

23. Most annoying thing people ask you? Or say? "God Liz, you're just so great!" or "Geez Liz, I wish I were as pretty and perfect as you are!" God, suck it up losers, you're just mad because you suck ass.

24. Bedtime: once again, a shitty question.

25. What is your finest talent? Fucking your mom.

26. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? I'm posting it.

27. Guilty indulgences: I don't feel guilty about what I do...except eating really unhealthily.

28. Last person you went out to dinner with? John and the Fam...but it wasn't "out" for them.

29. Favorite color? The white shade the reminds me of your ASS.

30. Time you finished this survey? 9:32 pm.

Well that sucked.

I was at John's house most of the day today. It was great fun. Really. But I have to go do homework right now. Goodbye, friends.

Today. Not so good. I hardly even remember school. But I do remember getting home and going to my room and crying from 3:30-5:15ish. The whole way home my mom was being a bitch. So yeah, I was crying and I'm freaking out because I really think I'm pregnant. This is very TMI, but no one else reads this anyways-- I didn't have any discharge today. That's REALLY suspicious and pretty much means that I'm pregnant. And I wanna talk to John because last night he didn't wanna talk about what we would do if that happened and now I think we really really need to be talking about it. But he's at rehearsal for the collage concert. But yeah, when I was crying I kept scratching my face and I pulled out a lot of hair. It was a very bad thing. And for the most part, I still want to die. And the thought of me being pregnant makes it all the more appealing. I don't think John and I should have sex anymore because, though it is a beautiful thing, I am nowhere near ready to deal with the possible consequences.

I want to talk to Drew. I know this is supposed to be a bad thing, but it's true. I don't wanna tell him about how I'm pregnant or anything like that...I actually just wanna get his opinion on Magnificent Horses and on Come to Me and maybe even Serenade to Music. I'm on my other screenname, and he's on, but he has an away message up. I wish I didn't feel like me talking to Drew was betraying John. I really just want his opinion on the songs. But I doubt John would believe me.

I'm going now. Either to bed, to call John, or to kill myself. One of the three. (NOTE-You'd think I'd feel guilty about the chance of someone reading that and freaking out thinking I had killed myself...but no one reads this thing, so I don't.)

The first half of today was horrible. The second was magnificent (much like the horses). John made it amazing.

Yes, you are correct in inferring that I was sick today. It was not fun. I felt bad that I couldn't attend the SPECTRUM meeting today, I really wanted to. But I sent John (my evil minion) to go in my place. Actually he was gonna go either way. So I really didn't send him. I guess sometimes I just like pretending like I have minions. (Interesting side note, the dictionary offers "One who is highly esteemed or favored; a darling" as a definition for "minion." I guess, in this sense, John IS my minion!)

Dear god I am hungry. Subway; eat fresh? I hope so!

I spent 40 some dollars at Fantast Attic today buying a wig and sideburns for Cabaret. I hope we kick ass. I'll be so mad if we don't. Damn Leigh Ann, what a bitch. Note to self: Leigh Ann is a lying bitch. A GODDAMN LYING BITCH! BURN IN HELL, BITCH! Noted.

I hope I get to see John's cabaret act tonight. I hope he does great. I hope we have sex afterwards. (a joke, evoking laughter and amusement) I better go see if I get the car tonight.

Adios mis amigos. I will leave you with this:

All my smiles
Are found in you
Astounding you
All my dreams
Can hide in you
Confide in you
All my joy
Comes alive in you
Could die in you
All the dancing days
All the freedom flows
All the caressing waves
All that's simple knows

EL FIN.

Prom was so much fun. And yes, John and I were the most attractive people there. By far. It was great fun. Between getting our pictures taken 3 times because the camera man kept messing up, getting dancing lessons from Seth, and taking pictures of ourselves on a caboose, it was one wild night. It was great though. Here's a pic for all to share:

Holy poop. Prom's tomorrow.

John's wearing an ivory tux. He's gonna look gorgeous. Hopefully the way I look won't suffer too much in comparison with him.

Everyone should read this poem at some point in their life. Today is your day, my friend.

So today I was thinking about my youth group, and the way I got "kicked out"/left it. And I was thinking about how they all love using "gay" synonymously with "stupid" and how they call people "fags" and how they're so incredibly clique-like and how shallow they all really are. Well, I came up with this:

The youth group at my church is great at pissing me off.

Where to begin...?

Well, the first thing that made me mad requires a little background. Yesterday, John and I went tux shopping, and the entire Klages family came in while we were there. Stefan was at church today, and when he saw me, he said, "DUDE! You should have been there...not long after you guys left two GAY guys came in, it was weird and freaky..." and I said "Why was it freaky?" And he backed off and just said "Nevermind." He's pretty young, but it makes me mad that society makes sure that all children think homosexuals are weird.

Then Mandy loudly (which is the only adverb that applies to any of Mandy's actions) noted that my picture being in the newspaper in the article about the Safe Sex established my as a "slut." She then went on to confirm that not only did simply being there mean that I was a "slut," but it also meant that John and I sleep together. (And though we do,) I told her that we didn't, and just because someone sees the importance of learning and being knowledgeable about safe sex doesn't mean that they actually have sex. I also told her that just because someone had sex with a person did not make them a slut. She could not have disagreed more. In her opinion, any physical contact between two people that is more than holding hands constitutes someone being a slut. That's what she said- only it sounded much less intellectual...hehe. So, being as witty and quick as Mandy is, she retorted my comment by elaborating on her last offensive remark, and labelling me an "ugly and fat slut," all this coming from the girl wearing virutally no shorts at all (showing off her scronny legs)and either sitting or laying on at least half the male populace of the basement all in the duration of this morning. Needless to say, I'm neither ugly, nor fat, nor a slut. Thus affirming the fact that Mandy is a complete dolt.

I told my mom about it. My mother made the observation that "Mandy dresses more like a slut than any other girl in the youth group, especially in comparison to you." She then apologized for putting me on the slim-fast diet, and assured me that I am "much more attractive than that Mandy girl." I agree.

I've made the decision that I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to gain any either, but I'll try to eat healthy and maintain the weight that I'm at.

Lauchu is pissing me off. She keeps losing my papers and my grade is suffering as the result. But aside from her, my day really wasn't half bad. It was pretty sucky, but then John gave me a ride home and we went to Dairy Queen, so that cheered me up a lot. Plus, the little girl in front of us in the line had her shoes on the wrong feet. Dear god it's funny when children do dumb things that make the rest of us feel better about our intelligence.

Check out this poem he wrote me...I think it's the greatest poem ever and it describes quite well how the past few years have been for me. John, I hope you don't mind me posting it, but I swear you're the only person who even knows about this journal.

I had a dream about you. All I remember was writing a suicide note and saying goodbye to everyone but you because you would be with me...I woke up and I needed to see you or hear your voice.

Earlier that day...

I got to take the MEAPs today. Wow, that was great. I loved BSing my essay. We had to right an essay on "lifelong education" and I wrote mine about how, in school, we "learn to learn" meaning that elementary school teaches us how to learn from the lessons that life has to offer us. Deep, eh? How I love pulling things out of my ass.

I haven't seen John today, but hopefully I'll see him after 1st hour (which is where I am now.) Here's the script we've been working on:

In the living room, Mom and Kelli appear to be having a dicussion as Mom gives her babysitting instructions. Timmy sits on the floor playing with a toy. Mom, while talking, is going around collecting her jacket and purse, preparing herself for a night on the town.

MOM: Ok, well the cell phone number is on the fridge, there’s Mac and Cheese on the stove…and I hope you don’t mind if I don’t get back until pretty late…

KELLI: Oh, that’s no problem! But where will you be? Just in case your cell phone isn’t working and there’s an emergency…

MOM: I’ll probably be downtown trying to find Timmy here a nice wealthy father! (The two laugh) But I’ll probably be at Rick’s Bar and Grille…

KELLI: Alrighty, sounds great!

MOM: (As she’s walking out the door.) Well try and get Timmy in bed by 9 or 10ish. And I’ll be back around 1 or 2. (beat) Bye Timmy, be good for the babysitter!

TIMMY: Bye mom! (As soon as Mom walks out, Timmy immediately hugs Kelli) We are gonna have so much FUN!!!

KELLI: Oh, yeah…you bet. Now, go eat some mac and cheese.

TIMMY: OKAY! (Timmy runs off)

KELLI: (Picks up the telephone and dials) Hey Jake!…Yeah, go ahead and start coming over, I just need to get the kid to bed…Alrighty, I’ll see you later, sweetie! (Hangs up the phone.) TIMMMMMYYYYY!!!

(Timmy comes running back in.)

TIMMY: (In a deep, scary voice) WHADDYA WANT? (immediately going back to normal) I’m just kidding, just kidding! Hahahahahha! HEY! Let’s play POKEMON!!!!

KELLI: I’d love to, but look at the time! It’s already BED TIME!

TIMMY: Boy! Time sure does fly when you’re throwing macaroni at the KITTY!

KELLI: YOU THREW MACARONI AT THE CAT?! Just GO TO BED!

TIMMY: (pauses, still with a smile on his face) OKAY! (Timmy skips off.)

(The doorbell rings. Kelli gets it and her and Jake then begin walking towards the couch.)

JAKE: (With little emotion.) Hey babe.

KELLI: So Jake, whaddyou wanna do?

JAKE: (Indicating quotation marks with his fingers) “Watch TV.”

KELLI: OK!!! (Very enthusiastically)

(The two sit down on the couch, both silently staring forward. There is a lot of awkward tension. Jake does the ol’ yawn and stretch and puts his arm around Kelli. She, in turn, schooches closer to him. Suddenly, the two look at each other at the exact same time. They then close their eyes and begin slowly leaning in towards eachother with their tongues sticking out. Then Timmy’s voice is heard from offstage.)

TIMMY: BABYSITTER, BABYSITTER…I CAN’T FALL ASLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!

(The two jump away from each other in surprise.)

KELLI: (Frustrated) Just a second…(she walks off stage)

(Jake sits by himself, messing with the remote)

KELLI: (Comes back in) Ok, he should be fine.

(She sits down next to him, and again they find themselves silently starting forward with a lot of awkward tension. Jake does the ol’ yawn and stretch and puts his arm around Kelli. She, in turn, schooches closer to him. Suddenly, the two look at each other at the exact same time. They then close their eyes and begin slowly leaning in towards eachother with their tongues sticking out. Then Timmy comes running in.)

TIMMY: BABYSITTER! THERE’S A MONSTER IN MY CLOSET AND AN ALIEN UNDER MY BED AND A BIG MEAN-LOOKIN’ DINOSAUR OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AND…

KELLI: (Interrupting him) There’s NOTHING there, Timmy. So calm down and go back to bed!

TIMMY: (Waits a second) OKAY! (Exits as though he is a race car.)

(Once again the two find themselves on the couch. Jake does the ol’ yawn and stretch and puts his arm around Kelli. She, in turn, schooches closer to him. Suddenly, the two look at each other at the exact same time. They then close their eyes and begin slowly leaning in towards each other with their tongues sticking out. Then they stop.)

KELLI: Do you think we should? Maybe it’s a sign from God…

JAKE: HELL NO! If I don’t get any tonight, there IS NO GOD!

KELLI: Ok!

(The two begin leaning in again, not noticing Timmy who has begun crawling out of the curtain towards the couch. He hides behind the couch, giggling a few times. As the two get very close he jumps between them.)

TIMMY: Look at me! Look at me! I’m an ACROBAT! I DO FLIPS! I SPIN! (He demonstrates…and falls.)

KELLI: Timmy! It’s BED TIME! Now go upstairs, or else I’ll tell your MOM that you were being a bad boy!

TIMMY: (Waits a second.) OKAY!

KELLI: AND STOP SAYING “OKAY” LIKE THAT!

TIMMY: OKAY…O!

KELLI: Go to BED, Timmy!

TIMMY: But I wanna sleep with you!

JAKE: Welcome to the club.

TIMMY: (To Jake) Hey! It looks like there’s a PICKLE in your pants!!!

KELLI: TIMMY! That is very RUDE!

TIMMY: Now I’m hungry…I want a PICKLE! Can I share yours with you?

KELLI: GO TO BED, TIMMY!!!

TIMMY: OooooooooooooooooooooooooOKAY! (Timmy runs off.)

(Once again the two find themselves on the couch. Jake does the ol’ yawn and stretch and puts his arm around Kelli. She, in turn, schooches closer to him. Suddenly, the two look at each other at the exact same time. They then close their eyes and begin slowly leaning in towards each other with their tongues sticking out. Then they stop.)

KELLI: Wait Jake, I need to know something before I let this relationship get too physical.

JAKE: (exasperated) What?!

KELLI: Do you care about me?

JAKE: (Without any emotion) Yes.

KELLI: Really?! (excitedly)

JAKE: (Without any emotion) Yes.

KELLI: Do you think you love me?

JAKE: Probably.

KELLI: Yay! Oh Jake, I love you too! Let’s make sweet love!

JAKE: OK!

(The two sit down on the couch again. Jake begins to do the old yawn and stretch, then says…)

JAKE: SCREW THAT! Too time consuming!

(The two pounce on eachother and begin savagely making out. Tongues are flying.)

(Timmy comes back)

TIMMY: Babysitter, I can’t…(notices what’s going on, and runs over and starts hitting Jake.) STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP TRYING TO EAT MY BABYSITTER!!! I’m gonna call the COPS! STTTTTTTTTTTOOOP! Don’t eat her! PLEASE DON’T EAT HER!

(The two FINALLY stop going at it.)

JAKE: Hey, KID! GO TO BED, ALREADY!

TIMMY: Hey, wait a second! I know you!

JAKE: Ummm…no, you must have me confused with a pokemon…

TIMMY: No! I really do recognize you!

Jake grabs the boys mouth and begins to yell. JAKE: NO, NO YOU DON’T…

KELLI: Jake, it’s ok just let him talk, it can’t be that bad…

Timmy bites Jake’s hand. Jake lets go.

TIMMY: ANYWAY, as I was saying…You’re the guy that comes over all the time and you and my mom go in her bedroom and make funny sounding noises.

JAKE: Kid! SHUT UP!

TIMMY: They sound like this…WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEE!!!

KELLI: Jake, is this true? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!

Kelli runs out, as Jake follows her.

JAKE: KELLI! COME BACK! It only happened 3 or 4 times!!!

Timmy watches the two for a moment, then begins making his way towards the couch. He yawns and stretches.

TIMMY: I sure am sleepy now…bed time for TIMMY!

He lays down on the couch and falls asleep, as the lights black out.

The end. Bye kids.

As a whole, today was incredibly crappy. I was really depressed all day, even though I really didn't have any reason to be. But I wrote this note to myself in second hour, and it was horribly depressing. And I promised myself I wouldn't let John read it because it would make him sad...but I hate the thought of John not knowing things about me, so I gave it to him to read. He still had my journal from the time I left it in his car, and he taped the letter in it and wrote a letter to me next to it...he read it to me, and it was so sweet..it basically refuted every negative thing I said about myself in the first letter. He also wrote a bunch of other stuff in there...and it's all so sweet...I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with that man. He's just so amazing and wonderful.

Aside from John, today was just crummy. I had a huge headache that's still ravaging my brain. And I have to take the MEAPs tomorrow. That's about it.

Wow. What an intense and meaningful drive home.

At one point, on Textile, one of my wheels hit a puddle and lost traction and it gave the car a good jolting. My windstar doesn't take a liking to joltings.

The meaning of the verb, "exist."

My car came to the stop sign where Textile meets Lohr. I could hear the rain growing softer, and it seemed as though it softened with each light pulse of my foot on the brake. In harmony with this duet between man-made power and nature's power, an intro to an Interpol song began playing. I put the car in park and just kinda sat there thinking about John and life in general...then all of the sudden, WHA-BAM! It hit me! This must be what it means to simply "exist." To know deep in the back of your mind all these simplistic yet incredibly important certainties - There is A God...John is the only person I ever want to be with, and I want to be with him forever...my life will be awesome - but to be able to sit back and simply breathe in and be surrounded by a horrifically complacent yet truly wonderfully pleasant atmosphere.

Then there were about 40-50 baby frogs crossing the road. It was apparent that this was their first time out of the water. It was so inspiring and amazing to see the power of nature winning over the power of man (the frogs triumphantly leaping and hopping across the paved way...conquering the man made obstacle...) but inevitably man won the battle and I hit a baby frog...or two. Maybe more, I was in a rush and couldn't count.

Easter on 420...what a pleasant irony. Some get high off of the love of Jesus, and some just get high.

Well, between you and me, the Easter sunrise service today was a bit on the exciting side. I bet now you're asking, "Why?" Well here's the part that stays between you and me. It BLEW. It's nice to know that the youth group sucks without me. Yeah, remember last year when I was running the show? Tons better, eh? You BET it was! There was this poem they read...dear god it was painful to sit through. Julie, Mandy, and Sara basically took turns saying random words. It was some abstract poem about Jesus' death. It would be a good idea if it were a million times more concise. And it was completely monotone. Way to praise Jesus guys...but I don't remember anywhere in the Bible where it says "And thou shalt sucketh when thou arst putting on a Easter Service."

Sara gave the "message." In this case, "message" is referring to any general 3 minute long observation on how "the cross makes you feel." Touching, really. Hey Sara? How does the cross make YOU feel...when I'm bashing it into the back of your skull? Pretty friggin' good, eh?! (I'm, of course, kidding.)

I went to an emcee battle with John. You'd be surprised how many of those people enjoy saying the word "fag." I understand that you're supposed to mock the other person...but I don't view accusing someone of homosexuality as a "diss."

Oh, and I got my TB test read...AND I DON'T HAVE TUBERCULOSIS! What a RELIEF! I have been rattling my brain DAY AND NIGHT! Asking myself, "Self? Why are you coughing up so much blood?" But now I know that I'm in perfect health, and the little bits of lung I have been coughing up are perfectly normal...it's probably all a part of my body changing because of puberty.

Yeesh, I love John.