I really thought I was finished dreaming (see 'Summer is not my season' below). I haven't dreamt anything I can remember in a while.

And I have to say...the one I had last night was the worst one ever. Of course it was the most vivid one, too.

I can only remember bits and pieces. Some of which don't make sense...so bear with me while I write stream-of-consciousness style.

I've riding in some form of smallish SUV. Tan interior. Big windows.

The driver is male...someone familiar. He is someone I know superficially. C. That guy's friend. I can't see his face. For some reason or other he has shredded blue confetti glued to his right arm. It looks like it came from an office, because there is typed lettering all over the shreds. I am sitting either on the right side or the middle of the passenger seat. I think the former, because I'm kinda close to the window (...I don't think I have my seatbelt on). There is someone next to me. It's that guy.

[this is me trying to remember]

We're in the vehicle...coming from a female friend's house. [This friend is someone that I have never met and doesn't exist.] Dream memory says that guy and I coincedentally met there and had some kind of reconciliation. That explains why I am holding his right hand. I am massaging it. I feel like crying...but happily. I feel like everything is right, like I'm finally warm after a long time being cold.

[this is where the stupid thing got very vivid. i could've sworn i had his hand in mine and i was kneading his fingers with the almost-bony knuckles and his cuticles were slightly peeling off...]

I feel like something heavy hanging over me is gone. I'm also kinda nervous because...I don't have a cell phone and I don't know if I'm expected to be home or not and I have a feeling something bad is going to happen once I get home...but my family isn't at home at the moment. They're out...somewhere having something to do with shrimp.

Outside my window, Fa is flashing by. Outside the opposite window, El Street is doing the same. We seem to be driving right between the two--where the black metal fence should be, and actually is--but it has this feeling of transparency, like you could actually get through it without any trouble.

Coming up on the entrance to my complex, there's construction going on. There's construction everywhere; the street is rough and dusty light grey.

Dream memory kicking in: we're driving me home. But because of the construction, we'll have to make the detour, passing the entrance and turning right onto La, then drive through the back of the complex to my house.

But I know no one's home at the moment, and no one's expecting me. So I wonder if I can ask that guy if I can crash at his place for a while. I am debating with myself if I can ask. If I should. I'm thinking, come on, just ask... I'm trying to find the words...

I do, a few thoughts later. I turn to him with a smile, and my heart swells because he grins back and squeezes my hand...our fingers entwine. And then just as I start to ask, I hear

my brother's voice cutting through, he's throwing a cranky morning tantrum which means this isn't real which means everyone's awake outside my head which means I'm running late

and the dream me

which may or may not be

the real breathing me

is protesting, No...

it's not time yet i can't wake up yet i'm not finished yet please i just need to finish i just need to

But my eyes are open

and the weight of my world is back on my shoulders

[the despair is back]

[it never went away after all]

I am barely breathing

still thinking

wait i'm not finished yet

it's not over yet

while a dream after image flashes in my periphery

and a feeling of a phantom hand locked in my own burns

at the same time I angrily force myself to get up

why are you

[why did you ever]

hanging onto something that isn't real?!?

So I wake.

And the rest of the day I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

Why am I thinking of

Why am I writing about

this stupid, stupid dream that means nothing

that serves no other purpose

but to entertain my idle sleeping mind.

Why am I allowing that movie in my mind

to shake up everything and occupy my thoughts and mess with my perceptions and emotions

for the rest of the day?

It was just a dream.