So, on Monday, I went out with my bio-dad.

That may have been the most draining thing I've ever done in my life. I don't mean to sound bitchy, I don't mean it that way. I just...it was really tiring. Really draining. Damn...if I sound like I'm swimming in self-pity again...I'm sorry.

Anyway, during the course of the whole day (from around 10:15 am-10:30 pm, and yes I was counting even if I didn't mean to) I met my bio-dad, his wife, my half sister, my half new baby brother or sister (I think she said she was four months along), and a bunch of aunts and uncles I either never met or hadn't seen in ten or more years, therefore didn't remember.

I swear I said that so many times. "Do you remember when you were a kid we used to..." No, I'm sorry. Only vaguely. Not really. Uh...

Y'know, it actually wasn't "that bad". I still don't know what I'd prefer more, this or a root canal, but it wasn't like anyone was treating me like shit. Actually, everyone was really nice.

Everyone, especially him, was trying really hard to be nice and accomodating and not weird, which I really appreciated. I guess it was probably easier for me, because I wasn't the one on the 'possible rejection' end of the equation.

And he feels really bad that he is not my father. Really bad.

There were a lot of times where he was telling me he loved me and wouldn't I come back later this week and it was so nice to see me and he was sorry for not being there, and I never knew what to say back.

I refused to say I loved him because if I did, it wouldn't mean anything. I do not want to go back later this week. I did not feel the same way about seeing them. I could've gone without. And I don't say that with any malicious intent, it's just that we're all virtually strangers, so it wouldn't have mattered to me if I saw them or not. Except for my half-sister. That was all right.

I feel like I'm being so callous saying all this, but it's the truth. This is how I feel. I actually did feel bad the other night when I went home...I was telling mom that I thought because they were being so great to me and because yesterday was such an important day for them, I should've felt more, but I didn't. And she said I was being too hard on myself. I obviously took her word for it...

And then last night, he called me. Actually, my sister called me. But I could absolutely tell, like I could tell that he was scared and intimidated when we went out, that he had put her up to it. That irked. But she passed the phone to him quick enough, and I had to once more refuse an invitation to stay over on Friday. And I also found out that he would be regularly calling me. And I had to give him my home phone number.

That was such a surprise. I didn't know he was going to be calling me. Regularly. I still don't know what to think. What if he does, in fact, call the house? Even though he has my email address, my screenname that I'm never gonna use now 'cause he's going to download aim just to talk to me, and he gave me his werk number, his home number, his cell number, his toilet phone number, AND his email and home address.

Repeated words: "Call me if you need anything."

My smart response: "Uh huh. Okey."

But, I won't need anything from you. I know I won't. At all. I'm sorry.

I couldn't very well say that, now could I.

I don't want to be a bitch. I don't. But I don't want regular contact. I don't know what to do with regular contact. I keep thinking of those milestone events sure to come in my life. Graduation. Wedding day. I'll be expected to invite them--to invite him, and it's going to be so weird. For me. Yeah, weird for me. Absolutely selfish, yes? Yes. Very much so. Am I currently on a some form of guilt trip? Yeah.

[And there I go, sounding like I'm fishing for sympathy, but I'm not.]

Look, I will be the first to say that surrounding yourself with people who care about you is one of the best, smartest things you could ever do in your life. And I'm thankful that instead of them/him not being concerned about me at all, they are actually trying very hard to be a part of my life. I would prefer them saying, "hey, we miss you" as opposed to, "why should we call you, we DON'T CARE". It's nice. Thanks.

But I don't want their family. I'm happy with my own. I'm extra happier with my own now that I've seen how theirs is. I never knew that it was possible for me to take for granted adults acting their age and not giving me everything I wanted and spoiling me half to death...*sigh*. They're really nice people, though.

I need to sort things out with myself. I'm just so frustrated with everything at this point, I don't want to think of it. Logically I know there's no reason why I shouldn't have regular contact with them, because 1) I would benefit a lot more from such a relationship and 2) there's the karma thing (what if...at some point...I get rejected again?).

So what the hell's my problem?

Agh...I don't know. How many times have I said that? I just...I don't want to deal with them. Is that okay?