P33P5

TAKE:THY:BEAK:FROM:OUT:MY:HEART:BITCH

BACK --==ORIGINAL LETTER==--

Hey,

Sorry we haven't really talked or hung out. I don't want you to feel like I hate you or have completely turned off all of my feelings towards you. I do still care about you and this is still very hard. I find it odd when I'm around you b/c I don't know how to act. Sometimes I still want to be able to be held in your arms and to be comforted by you. I know we joked about the booty call thing, but the other night I was definately considering it. I just don't know how to act. Or how it would work out if we did things like that still. This is just a very strange situation and I do not know how to approach it. I do hope that we keep in touch and stay friends. I just don't know how to step in the right direction to do so. Maybe we can get together some day with some friends and go out to dinner or play a game. I know that both of our schedules are messed up right now, and mines about to get worse, but maybe we could schedule something. I do not want to completely stop having any connection with you. Maybe it will take a while of sorting out our lives but I really do want to stay in touch with you.

From,
Me

--==MY REPLY LETTER==--

It may take a long time Phantom. As much as it hurts not being with you anymore, it hurts me even more that I don't seem to recognize the woman that I loved anymore. Since we've separated you have become and done a lot of things, a side of you that you would never allow me to see or be with, that I don't know how to take. Even now just thinking about it makes my hands shake, my stomach turn, and my chest feel empty. As for the booty call, you seem to be well covered on that front; I don't think that that aspect of any relationship will work out between us. You weren't pleased by it before and you seem to have found the reason why and obviously the perfect solution. It causes me so much pain to be around you because I feel as if I have been lied to or denied the company of the real you this entire relationship. The stories of who you were before you were with me, every time you were out without me or I was out of town, now your actions with your new "friends and neighbors." When I wasn't around you were always another person, now that we are separated you are that same person. My conclusion is that this is who you really are, yet I was given some constructed personality. It kills me because I don't know what I did that was so wrong that I wasn't allowed to be with the real you. Maybe if you would have been yourself we could have worked out, or maybe we could have known a long time ago that we shouldn't be together. Now I know I was right on one thing, you never were attracted to me in anyway. Your recent actions can attest to that. I just wish you would have told me how disgusted and disinterested in me you were before. We could have saved some time, or at least found people that did please us.

I still care about you Elisa but I don't know whether or not the person I love so much even exists. From all I remember and all I've found out, it would appear that it was all an act, for what purpose I don't know but there is no other explanation. I feel lied to and betrayed, so how I am supposed to want to be around you or trust you I'm not sure. You seem to be finding no trouble with companionship so why do I get this letter all of a sudden, especially when I rarely hear from you and when I do it’s usually because you need something. I don't need another friend like that. How do I know your not just buttering my ass so that I finally go find that damn CD so that you can ignore my pleadings and go show name removed (said neighbor she's been fucking), and god knows who else, the pictures that we took together (on the one night that you were being as close as your real self as possible it would seem) and that I've asked you to not show to anyone else. You seem so keen to get those pictures, that it almost seems as if someone's been asking for them. So sure Phantom, I'll find those pictures and make you a copy, but whoever wants them will just have to wait till I find the time to do so. I'm not going out of my way to please some other guy with the good memories I'll never have again with you. They can wait.

I'm working on getting space in the house made for the ferrets and Shade so that I can get them as quickly as possible. Then it will only be Shadow and Dusk who will be left alone all day and night.

I'm sorry I could never be the one to make you happy and please you. I'm sorry I made the mistake of staying with you and trying to make only you happy. I realize now, that I should have been more like Brian Ebel all along, that seems to be what makes you happy. I cannot be that type of person however. Because of that I realize that you and I will never be happy with each other. I'm not sure how we would work as friends. Maybe that will be a possibility further down the road. I'm sure one day we could hang out together just to see, but I don't even want to see you right now. Just your voice, just this letter of yours, feels like an ice pick shoved into my heart. I don't even know how to register some of it. A tornado of thoughts and images batter me to sleep each night. I wish it could be different, I wish there was something that could be said or done that would make everything alright, but if there is I don't know what it is. The only thing that seems to be helping is doing everything I can to pretend you don't exist. Every time I acknowledge your existence and who you really are, that I was not good enough to be with the real you, I want to double over in pain. My mind doesn't want to accept any of the facts that I've fed it. It wants to reject them and reject the reality that they've come from. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry I wasn't worth you being yourself with, I wish I would have been.

--==PHANTOM'S REPLY LETTER==--

I do know that since we have separated I have changed a lot. I feel lost and have no idea who I am or what I want in life. This side of me that you say I never allowed you to see is not something I was before or would have chosen to be. I was never really a crazy wild girl even when you went out of town and I went out with friends. I do enjoy to have a good time. And you always knew the people I hung out with when I went out. I never did anything to deceive you and I never cheated on you. I am sorry that we didn't work out sexually together but that is neither of our faults. We were both young when we got together and never really gained any experience on that level. I never did deny you the company of the real me. That was the real me! It has been just recently that I have told myself, Fuck It, I need to enjoy life. You only get one right? I am not looking for any type of relationship now. I want to focus on my career and moving up to where I can be happy financially. Yes I do enjoy going out and having a good time and I will not deny myself of that. I would never be as open sexually as I am now if I had not gone through all those crazy times with you and our friends. I honestly use to be very shy and insecure about my body. No, I am not going out and sleeping with every guy I meet. I'm not sure what you're hearing but it seems to be slightly skewed. And of course you know you can't believe everything you read. And you have told me yourself that you couldn't be yourself around me. I was being myself while I was with you. Granted, you and I didn't enjoy going out together drinking, dancing and haveing a good time. We always seemed to end up on separate sides of the room, but I was still acting the same way I do now. You know that all we enjoyed doing together was going to eat and to see a movie. I'm looking to do more then that. I always was, it was no secret. We just never had the money.

And that's bullshit about me never being attracted to you. I was very attracted to you when we first met, and for many years after that. We just started to grow apart and have problems. We tried to make it work but it just didn't. I am still attracted to you. I just feel that we both have a lot of growing to do. I was and still am not disgusted or disinterested in you. I don't know why you would even say that. I was never putting on an act for you. That was who I was. Who I was is not going to work out in my current situation so I've had to toughen up and change a little. But I never did lie or put up a front for you. ANd you keep saying that the only time you hear from me is when I need something. That is not true. For the past 2 weeks now, whenever I've talked to you it was to see what you were up to or to see when everyone could get together so we could hang out. Yes, I have asked you for those pictures, which you had before but have all of a sudden lost, they are not for any guys. I told you i wasn't going to show them to anyone. You know that that was always why I didn't want to take photos, b/c if we ever did separate I wouldn't want you to have them anymore. I know that will not happen, and it wouldn't be fair, but I would at least like copies of them. That is only fair. They are not for anyone else, no one even knows about them.

The animals are not home alone every night. Probably just as much as they were when you did live there. So I don't know where you got that from. As for the days, well, I work, just like before.

When our relationship was working out I thought I could spend my entire life with you. Then you started telling me how unhappy you were and how I had completely changed your life. I also realized that I was not happy. I was never looking for a Brian Ebel type of guy. You were what I was looking for at the time but unfortunately it didn't work out. Now, I'm not looking for any guy. I really wish that we had had more things in common and that we would have enjoyed each others company more. Maybe years down the road we will grow and things will be different. I'm sorry you feel decieved and like you don't know me. But you did know me. I hope that things will work out for you and be easier for you. I'm working on trying to get out of your life. I know how hard it has been for me to see you and now I know how it is when you see me. I will be changing the locks at the house so please let me know when you would like to get the animals. I also would like to have the polka dot sheets, pillowcase and the maroon bedspread back. I'm sorry that this has become more complicated then we planned and I hope that one day we will be able to be more civilizad with each other.

Sorry for any pain you may be going through,