SCOTCH EGGS ROCK!
I learned my lesson I'm assuming. I guess we shall call it karma. A number of months ago my good friend tHOR broke up with his girlfriend. During a mutually uncomfortable experiance involving left-unnamed substances and awkward, nervous silent sitting, I said some things that were unnecessary and hurtful to the lass. I did not realize what effect I had had on her until a number of days later when I got a call From tHOR recounting how his ex had driven to his house that night to crawl into bed and lay there crying and claiming her deep hatred for all of his friends. After hearing this I had asked him to apologise for me and resigned myself to my own personal feelings of shame and self-loathing for yet another fucked up action I could chaulk up on my board of how much of an ass-hole I am and figured I would never really see her again. That however is not how life works. So, minus a breif encounter at her work place, I found myself in her favorite bar and having all that that lovely shame bubble up like bile in my throat. Now let me explain something here. We all have that side of us that we try to pretend doesn't exist, I assume this of course unless I'm the only alien monkey fucking hybrid that feels this way. Now I'm not sure on what level this black bog of scum part of our beings surfaces for each individual, but when my protective barrier breaks down and the flashes of denied memory start speeding across my mind's eye before I realize what vicious pandora's box has been opened, the feeling of shame and self dissapointment well up in my so strong it almost causes me pain. I don't like to fuck up anything, in fact I don't think that anything could piss me off more than feeling like I fucked up. I don't care what it is, a job, a drawing, walking down a hall without buming into something, the sligtest mistake and I'm usually enraged. I also am big on the "Golden Rule," thing. I've been fucked over, judged, and ridiculed all my life because people didn't like the way I looked, or how I spent my fucking free time, or just for fucking being quiet. I have always respected and tried to adhere to the idealized notion that if everyone treated eachother with the respect and kindness that they themselves would want, then the world would be a much better place. So I have always tried to adhere to those standards. The night I made my comments to tHOR's ex, I was not following those standards at all. The reason I drag all this bullshit about shame and morals and dark sides is basically this. However each of us are affected by this doppelganger like side of us, we usually don't like it. We don't want to have to admit that we have that side, that person who not only is not like us but that we actually loathe and causes us further disgust that such a vile excuse of a person resides within ourselves. Our natural instincts are to turn a blind eye and create a weak psychological block on those instances in our life where we let that "Mr. Hyde" out to take his due of our consiousness. We would do anything to not be brought back to that corner beating ourselves and crying out in anguish at the memories that come when we let our guard down. It's easier to try and forget or dull the edges with fabricated justifications, but when you find yourself with the fleshed out reality of that shame and anguish staring you in the face and asking you what song you want to hear off of the jukebox your choices, decisions, and reactions suddenly retract to but a handful. As I stood there I realized that I may be able to change the reality that I had created. I had to apologize to her and myself for allowing that side of me out. In order to do this however you must battle your shame and instincts first. I'm sure that this seems small and of little challenge to most of the world, but I am the only person who I have always feared to face and whose judgements and belittleing statements caused me to flinch. Thankfully I finally did it, the girl expressed that it really meant alot to her and like some christian rebirth story I actually felt as if a heavy burden had been lifted from off of me. This is where the karma comes in, later that night one of the girl gentlman courters, decided to arrogantly and drunkenly make judgemental comments to me and just be a rude motherfucker through and fucking through. Regardless of how much I tried to be calm and not let the asshole get to me, I left that night wishing strongly for something that I could wrap my fucking hands around and use to fucking break everything in my sight. This raw anger lasted all through my sleep, and well into the next day until late evening found me feeling exhausted from the strain of frustration.

The moral of this story is to always follow the golden rule, that way when that natural born asshole comes along in your life, you can at least have a sense of peace with yourself instead of feeling like you got what you deserved.