It Hurts
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Bad Day - Fuel
I've never felt so empty and lonely in my entire life. I battle constantly for control of my emotions lest the tear me apart, but when I can't hold on to them any longer and finally try and let them free I'm instead rewarded with a cold emptiness in my chest and a feeling like I can't belong in this existence and consciousness. Everything that I thought I couldn't take anymore seems so trivial now. All the bad memories and hurt feelings that flooded my view before seem to have disappeared from memory and all that is left is the happy times, the great times. What little of the unhappy times I remember just seems to there to bolster my thoughts of a new beginning; a revival. There is no revival however, no chance of salvation. The damage has been done. I'm still too devastated and destroyed to really decide if this was not a mistake. At night when I'm all alone in that room that used to be ours though, it seems like the worst fucking mistake I have ever made. I want to rush to her and fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness, beg for her mercy, and beg for her to love me like she once said she did. How she said she did. That thought circles in my mind as well. She said that she would always love me, that I made her happy, that I was to be her husband and father of her children. She said she loved me and that we would work whatever problems we had out. Because she loved me. Two weeks was all it took to change that. I understand that we said it was over, and that we said it couldn't work anymore. I realize that I am the one who first suggested it, but I could have been wrong. I might have been wrong. It is clear though that that isn't the case however. Life is a beautiful new horizon for her. She adventures forward into a bright sky, treading over the dark, cold pit that I've buried myself in. That’s when the anger begins to gnaw. Anger at the wasted energy and emotion I'm throwing at her, that I ignorantly seem to hope to make her remember how good the good memories were and how trivial the bad ones were. Then I sit stunned as those hopes, that should have been boulders smashing into her, wisp by her as barely a breeze. It’s just that easy for her. The anger burrows deeper. Why am I stuck in this rut? She doesn't love me, she doesn't want my love. I curl into this pitiful ball in this fetid shit-hole I've created for myself and cry out to be saved by a false savior who no longer cares for me and is just realizing that she probably hasn't for quite some time. The anger metamorphoses into shame. Shame at how pitiful and weak I seem to have become, yes, but the brunt of it is at the ones who do love me. As this disgusting, blind fool claws at ghosts of the past another sits patiently by my side and caresses me. It is she that tends to my never ending, self-induced wounds as I tear out at the shadows. It is she that smoothes back my hair and sings her lullabies to the whimpering child that I have become. While I writhe in my selfish heartache, she packages hers up and sets it aside so she can be my strength. The deep shame drills into my guts and my heart, pain in hopes that sanity will return to me. And sanity is exactly what I have misplaced. All the pain and disregard and lack of respect that I received as payment from the she that has left, I have never received from she who watches over the raving husk I have now become. All of the adoration and love and passion that I had always wanted in return for my own, she is bursting to drown me in. Instead of worshiping her greatness and caring and love, I give her a mewling child to watch over and comfort. The shame becomes so deep it awakens the pain again, and I can feel the cold, empty pit in my chest again. And where is my old friend. That which has always got me through every problem I felt I wasn't strong enough for. Where is the hate? Where is the raw fury that before has always been my stand-in for any form of negative emotion. Now when I need it the most, in my most desperate hour it has forsaken me. I'm alone. Alone without the love I've struggled for so long to attain. Alone by my blindness and senselessness to the ones who are waiting to give me that love that I have so craved. I am left less than alone by my own self-loathing. Its funny, life is supposed to be beautiful, but all I see is rot.