I find it kinda funny
Now Playing: "Mad World" Gary Jules

I find it kinda funny that some of these people I'm trying to get a hold of I've none most of my life and honestly, I'm scared. How do you tell some of these people who were family for years that, yes I have walked away from all of you and after over 6 months I'm inviting you back into my life because my sister wants you there. And not only that I have to tell them that even now I have nothing in my life that I have accomplished and no I do not really have any form of plan for my life. So far I'm looking at it as I am surviving. I wake up everyday and I'm going through the emotions.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take, but people run in circles it's a very, very mad world.

 What the hell do I do? I'm scared to talk to Ma (beth) and Cait because I did walk away from them, I realized that I couldn't have anything to do with Cait anymore because it's bad for my health and mentallity. It's not really that I'm doing all that great but compared to before I am doing a bit better. I just don't know... 

Fuck it...

Smiling like the Prairie Princess

Not everything works out the way we want it too. Not everything works out fine.

So many things in life go wrong, so many things in life I do wrong.

How does someone who spent most of their life doing things for others and being the strong one and always helping others, roll over and admit. "Yes, I do need help?" How do they go from the one who always supported to the one who needs support?

I guess my whole life I've needed help, I've needed support but when your... I don't know how I was going to finish that sentance. I can't take care of myself, I know this I'm not stupid. If left alone and given the chance, I'd read my life away. I'd sit in front of this fukking computer and read all the time. Maybe I'd even paly a game or two. And a lot of the time that's all I want is everyone to leave me alone so I can do that. So I can just get lost in the fantasy world that does not exsist. Real life sucks. Out here I'm a failure. In stories I can be just another person in the background, I could even be someone special, important, accomplished. But this is not a fantasy, this is the real world and in the real world I've failed. Sometimes as a friend, others a sister, often a daughter. even as a human being I fail. I could sit here and list all my failures, I mean come on it's not like I haven't done it all before.

If I thought taking a razor to my skin would help... I'd do it. If I thought this time I could get the bad blood out, I'd bleed. But you can't get all the bad blood out, all the poison out if that's all there is. The poison isn't just in my blood anymore it's part of me, it's in my head.

It's funny for the past 4-6 months I've been so apathetic that I kept thinking I'd almost give anything to not be anymore. And sitting at IHOP with Sadi last night talking with her, I guess something broke be cause I keep crying and after so long not being able to write, I'm writing.

I know if I post here no one will think to look for it, Sadi wont because well how often does this site cross our minds anymore? And besides her, who the hell even knows of this site and how to get to it? 

So much of my life is whisking by, waisting away and honestly I don't really mind a lot of the time. I just want to be left alone in solitude and silence. 

Wanna know what's funny? The only person for the most part I even like to talk to at all is still Sadi. If I'm reading I don't mind her inturrupting me to talk. If I'm busy I don't mind stopping for her. I guess it's the twinn thing although sometimes I think it died when I fucked up. What's new? I'm always a fuck up, I ruin most things. 

Sometimes I want it all to end, and sometimes I just want a friend.

 It's funny because in my head I'm quoting "Only Escape"and I remember when I wrote that, I was actually really happy. I was sitting on the bathroom floor with all my homework and what not, in front of the tub, radio probably blairing some kind of angry or depressing music. But I wasn't depressed at the time I didn't really want to end my life I just kept getting this thought stuck in my head, all I could think about was my only escape. 

But people are coming in and I'm getting off.

bye

Remembering the Music
Cold coffee on a Monday morning
can you make it through another day?
Wake up and pretend that you didn't wish for an end?
A way out, a great escape.
Do you not wish to pack up your life and begin again?

Remembering
An empty bed, your sheets a mess
Where did it go?
The happiness you once had
When you were young and only saw the bad.
Three o'clock in the morning
A coffee shop full of friends.
Five-thirty at the fish ladder
With renditions of Rent
and friends who'll act a fool
Where tomorrow was tough
And hard to get through
But even then you always knew
The numbers to call
And friends who cared
A life once simple is now a mess
Do you lie awake and pray?
Wish for a chance to live it again,
Or move on and accept the end?
Be 209Am 7-14-09


Looking in the past and knowing what's true
Where a sister is a sister, and a friend is too.


Music
Headphones on music screaming in your ears
Do they help sedate your fears?
Block out the thoughts running through your head,
Keeping you pinned to your bed.
Does it fight back the dark, show you the light
Give you the courage to stand up and fight
Scare away the demons
Encourage you to smile
Help fight your battles
Make you forget your trials
Do you scream to the music, let out the emotion?
Cry out the anger, fear and devotion
Does it seep into your mind
Leaving only a bit of peace behind?
Reach for your soul and lift your spirit
Making you feel better just to hear it
Soothing your emotions deep
Let it in and go to sleep.
Be 523Am 7-14-09

You lying sack of shit

You are such a lying sack of shit I don't even know where to start you left here to go live with your brother bull. You're back living with her aren't you and when I told you I suspected it what did you do. made an ugly ass face. And any time I've offered to bring you home you shoot it down. And I finaly know why. I had to tonight because you wouldn't awnser the damn phone. So I drove out to lynns and I parked in beki's old parking area and what do I see all the lights out in the apt. and lynns car and your bike... so what do you have to say to that? Do you enjoy fucking me then going home to your wife and fucking her? Do you lie to me and tell me your going to see your kids and spend the day with her knowing I wont call and bother you? What?

I can't fucking believe I fell for this shit again. 

The quiet things that no one ever knows
Mood:  hug me

He's not going to show. I know that. We made plans to get together tomorrow, he was going to spend the whole day with me and even stay the night, now I know he's not coming... I should have expected this, I should have known... nothing's changed... he's going to call me in the morning tell me his dad is getting worse and he's going to go to the hospital. I'll be no part of this, of his life. He'll say he's going to go with who ever and if he does go, guess who he's going to go with? Lynn probably... because she's more of his life than I am. He wont call me all day and finally I'll cave and talk to him and he'll tell me whatever it is he's made up for this and that he just got home, because that's how it's always been and I'll get nothing in the end but dragged along again...
Can I really do this?
No... I don't think I can...
I hope he shows... please let him show and stay with me tomorrow....

Just another day...
Mood:  down

Well i'ts just another day with another set of let downs... So here is what was "planned" or supposed to happen, depends on how you look at it.

Jeremy was supposed to be here at noon... I woke up early so I could shower and be dressed. I called him, I've been calling him it is now after one and I have heard nothing from him. So I got up for nothing because common sence tells me when he does finally call he'll have some bs reason why he can't be here and sure enough I bet it will be a lie... Whatever I'm getting used to the let down.

You know it's funny he tells me how much I matter, and here I sit in front of my fucking computer crying as I type this out with just my mom here in the other room.

Welcome to my life.

 

 

You wanna know the worst part? I woke up this morning and took my shower when I was done I sat in mom's room clicking through channels guess what song was playing on CMT... Sugarland's "Stay" and like I said then... there was my sign... 

Who Needs Friends Anyways?
Mood:  irritated
Who needs friends anyways?
I'm mean really what good have they been doing me lately. I guess I'll have to go back to my old ways of just fending for myself. If I want something and I can't get it without asking for help... I don't need it that badly then. And I'll live without it wont I?
But I guess before I go any farther in this rant I should explain what the hell is going on.
Okay, Library called the other day and I had until today to get my book before they put it on the shelf. Well I forgot until this afternoon. So I called Beki and asked if she and or kyle could take me within the next hour or two. She said okay. she'd call me back when they were ready... well around 3-ish I called and Kyle answered said they just got out of the shower. So we went. I'm thinking okay just the library and gas-station cause I asked if she could spot some change for a soda. Well we did that and then they were hungry so we got Subway (it was in the gas-station). I told beki I couldn't be out all day I had shit I had to do. No I didn't specify. I figured she would understand... I figured wrong. So then on the way home kyle wanted to stop at a thrift book shop. Okay thinking it's going on 430, they couldn't take that long... I was wrong going on 5 I went and told beki I had to get home cause I was waiting for the lady from finacial aid to call me back. She never did by the way. But anyways Kyle told me that maybe from now on maybe I shouldn't call and ask for things last minute. Well I have decided maybe I just wont call and ask for anyhting anymore. Cause I had to call my mom and have her use that last of her money so she could put gas in the truck to come and get me. So yeah my day has gone great. This is the reason I am upset. I've done my crying and I don't feel I'm done but *shrugs* maybe I'll go lock myself back in the bathroom and cry somemore in a little bit. I guess that's it for my rant for now.


Note to self: Never rely on others they will ALWAYS let you down.
                     If you can't do it all on your own, it isn't worth doing.

Today I'm Just a Friend
July 30, 2007 1236pm

Today I am just a friend, at least that's how it seems to me. All day if I've wanted a hug, kiss, anything from Jeremy I've had to instigate it. And even when I told him a few minutes ago that I loved him and asked for a kiss he just walked away. Like it didn't matter. So I guess today to him I am just going to be a friend. Anytime he wants to cuddle or wants a hug anything like that it'll be the ones I give to friends. I guess it's me being spiteful. You treat me like I'm just a friend I'll treat you the same.  Right now Tardus is sleeping on my lap.
I guess I really don't have much else to write about but you know what the hell. I'll just spend time by myself I'm thinking I might play a bit of RO for something to do. Cause that I can do by myself at least.

1239 pm

Broken Forgotten Used and Lonely.
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Pink "Who Knew"
May 20, 2007 1204 am


Broken: I've always been broken, maybe I was just born that way or maybe something from my childhood had something to do with it. But I've always been broken. And no one can fix me. My body was broke when I was little, thanks to what They did to me. But the funny thing is I don't always hold it against them. Why? I don't know I just don't. There's no point in still being angry about it. It happened, and it's over with. Mentally I was probably born that way and over the years it's just come out more and more. There are just so many voices in my head and so many places I don't know about in there that I get so lost. I never know who's running my body half the time and I don't even know who I am. I don't even know if the real me exsist. maybe I do maybe I don't. I'll never know.

Forgotten: She forgot about me. I left and she moved on. She's not who I need her to be anymore. I feel like a small child that lost her mommie in the crowd. And I can't change it. It's just how I feel. I just want my twinn back and I'll never have it. She's changed and moved on. She doesn't need me like she used to or how I still need her. And she's not the only one that forgot about me. They all did. All those people who were once my friends... they all forgot about me.

Used: I'm used when I'm convinetent for people. When I'm needed for sex or a friend to talk to... that's when they call on me. But when I need them, where are they? Why does no one answer my call like I do theirs? I'm reverting back into myself and I don't want to be there. But who will notice that I'm not here anymore? Who will really see that I'm just a shell? Where will my mind run too this time? Will someone else who can stand this world take over? Will I become hallow and just continue living because my body doesn't know what else to do? Will they rape my body like they did my mind?

Lonely: Where are all these people who said they'd always be there for me? Why am I all alone right now? Why am I dying inside?

Where are my promises?


1213am

What's it feel like to be a ghost?
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Taking Back Sunday
So my question to you, the one that wont be answered because it wont be asked... How's it feel to be left out of someone's life? You both all day, in fact since you put minutes on your phones have made me feel left out. You both are so fucking secretive when you're on the phone with eachother. And when you're both here, what do you say to me??? He asks me if I'm alright. That's it... you don't even talk to eachother unless I leave the room or one of you do, then the other goes running so you two and talk quietly between yourselves... if I'm so much in the way let me know I'll leave... trust me I have places I can go. Even places I'd rather be at times.
It's funny I go home (to mom's) for the weekend and I think to myself how I wouldn't mind living back there, but at the same time I Want to go home... I love and live for the chaos at my moms... but at home I live for the solitude... When everyone's here or awake... or hell ANYone... all I want is for them to leave for them to go away because I want to be alone... when they're gone... sometimes and mark it SOMETIMES, I want someone to be here to talk to. But right now I just want to be alone. Why not, they leave me out, maybe I should do the same to them. Leave them out of my life and what not. I'm seriously thinking that tonight I might just sleep on the couch. I don't sleep well out here because I'm paranoid but I'll get used to it. Fuck it I'm at the point that if someone wants to come in and kill me, go for it. I might just be thankful. I'm telling him though, if she two-ways him while I'm trying to watch my shows he has to leave the room because I'll be damned if I miss my shows so they can talk all fucking secretivly.
I think for a while today I'll go over to Hoshi's house and watch House MD with her and her boyo... I think I just need out of this house. Right now I'm watching Judge Judy... that woman... I'd love to meet her as long as I haven't done anything to piss her off.

I'm discovering that my friends and people close to me are worthless. and I think I've finally given up on them. But I'm done for now because I have nothing else I wish to write about. Although that's not true I just don't want to think anymore or do anymore typing about my problems.

Chibi