Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pool.
Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
At the bottom of an escalator, scream, “My shoelaces! Augh!”
Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
Teach pets store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food.”
Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”
Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
Test mattresses in your pajamas.
Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
If you’re patient, start intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
Sprint up the down escalator.
Stare at the static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture.”
Ask an appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Try on bras over top of your clothes.
Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
More...
While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, “I smell sex and candy.”
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn then all off and turn the volumes to 10.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
Put M&Ms on layaway.
Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battle field with G. I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restrooms.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.”
Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
Hide in the clothing racks and when the people browse through, say things like “Pick me, pick me!” and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
