Guys vs. Girls
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Q: Why is it so hard for girls to find guys that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those guys already have boyfriends.
Q: How do guys sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a girl?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: What is it when a guy talks nasty to a girl?
A: Sexual Harassment
Q: What is it when a girl talks nasty to a guy?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven`t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that`s why I don`t go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: Hey baby, what`s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I`d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I`d probably die laughing.
Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Woman: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: May I have the last dance?
Woman: You've just had it.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.
Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.
Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
MAIN
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, massage, make plans, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, protect, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, sublimate, entertain, charm, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, shower, shave, trust, grovel, coax, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, beg, plead, steal, respect, entertain, calm, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, snuggle, snoozle, elevate, serve, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey pokey, hanky panky, crystal blue persuade, brush, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, enchant, idolize and worship, then go back, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
Blind Man's Dog
A blind man walks down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection & the dog, ignoring the high volume traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thick traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man & the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. The passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement & says to the blind man. "Why on earth are u rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction & replies, "To find out where his head is and kick his ASS!!"
Big Boobs= Dumb
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A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As
the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's and asked her why. She told her
son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased
with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his
mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother
replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied
with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the
boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to
the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he
gets.
Blind Date
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank God," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."