Money
---------------------------
A guy goes over to his friend`s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen.
I`d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I`ve got to see the both of them.
I`ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can`t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Don't Argue With Children
---------------------------
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

Skiing Trip
---------------------------
-Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
-"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
-"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
-Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
-"Yes, I do."
-"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
-"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
-"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
-Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
-"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Airplane
---------------------------
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don`t big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn`t think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don`t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you toask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then," she replied, "tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain THAT to you."

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Guys vs. Girls
---------------------------

Q: Why is it so hard for girls to find guys that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those guys already have boyfriends.

Q: How do guys sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a girl? A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: What is it when a guy talks nasty to a girl?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a girl talks nasty to a guy?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven`t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that`s why I don`t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Hey baby, what`s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I`d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I`d probably die laughing.

Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Woman: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: May I have the last dance?
Woman: You've just had it.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.

Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

MAIN

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, massage, make plans, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, protect, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, sublimate, entertain, charm, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, shower, shave, trust, grovel, coax, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, beg, plead, steal, respect, entertain, calm, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, snuggle, snoozle, elevate, serve, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey pokey, hanky panky, crystal blue persuade, brush, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, enchant, idolize and worship, then go back, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.

Blind Man's Dog
A blind man walks down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection & the dog, ignoring the high volume traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thick traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man & the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. The passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement & says to the blind man. "Why on earth are u rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction & replies, "To find out where his head is and kick his ASS!!"

Big Boobs= Dumb
---------------------------
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

Blind Date
---------------------------
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank God," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

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