| 07/30/03 12:51 EST | Heh, so the swearing off relationships thing didn't last long. For nearly a month I've been attracted to one of our new day drivers at work. About a week and a half ago, I got the balls to ask her out, and we went and saw a movie. Since then I've learned that she likes me too, but she's having a difficult time deciding whether she's ready for another relationship or not. We spent some time together just this past Sunday, again, and I got to see her be herself a little more. However, despite the fact that I understand that she wants to proceed slowly, I find myself liking her more and more with each passing day. I think about spending an entire evening with her just curled up on a couch, arms around her watching a movie, or walking arm and arm along the beach. I am trying to keep myself prepared for the possiblity that nothing may come of this, but it is becoming harder as time goes on. I can only pray it all works out for the best. |
| 07/09/03 18:00 EST | As of this moment, I officially swear off relationships for the time being, and decide to focus on creating my future. After two weeks of trying to set up a date with a girl I've been interested in for quite some time, I've come to the conclusion that she has been accepting my ideas at first, then finding clever ways to get herself out of them. Many of you may think I'm jumping to conclusions, but believe me, I have tried everything possible to get out with this girl, and she has done nothing. What really kills me though, is that she gave me her number the weekend before! So, instead of focusing energy on something I cannot even guarantee will work, I've decided that I will devote my time to something I know will improve with the effort I put into it. Then, when I am happy with my life as it is, I will see about finding someone to share it with. |
| 07/08/03 19:38 EST | I get a call at work at about 15:40. It's from my house. This isn't unusual, so I just pick up and casually ask what's going on. Lizzie, my brother's girlfriend and the mother of my nephew, is on the other end, and tells me my mother has fallen and hurt herself. I nearly bolted out the door right then and there, but remembered that my mother had taken the car with her today, and I couldn't rush home. The worst things run through my mind; her back is broken, she's paralyzed, she'll never walk again, etc. Eventually I learn that it is "only" her wrist. She insists the entire time to not come home right away, but I ignore her, and run next door to the corporate office to find someone to cover for me. I have to stay at work for a very long ten minutes to wait for a driver to bring me home. As soon as I get here I want to take her to the doctor, but she once again tries to downplay it. Eventually I get her to the doctor, and she did end up breaking her wrist. One good thing has come out of this though. I was given the opportunity to show my mother just how much I care for her. I refused to leave her, even when she offered to call her friend Sharyn. My mother is the most important thing to me in this house, and I think she now knows it. |
| 07/07/03 20:07 EST | One of the questions I get most often from new people I meet online is "What does your SN mean?" Well, I've decided to put down what I believe, so everyone can know, once and for all. The phenomenon of tragedy, to me, is very similar to your basic company. It provides a service to human beings, that service being grief, and it charges a price, the price being the physical consequences: death, destruction, etc. It has many regulars: the Middle East, India, China, and many countries in Africa, but is not above visiting others if the price is right. So there you have it. Welcome to Tragedy, Incorporated. Right now, on our planet, business is booming. |
| 07/07/03 07:07 EST | Ok, I officially do not get some women. A somewhat friend of mine, Alena, is the specific one today. Two days ago, I was talking to her as she was about to leave to go out for the night. Everything was fine, until she comes out with "Oh, I saw your ex-girlfriend btw. Gotta go. Bye." Before I could even blink she was gone, leaving me to wonder what the hell she was talking about. Obviously, my first thought was Susan, but she has no reason to be in Virginia, and even if she was, I wouldn't want to know about it. When I get ahold of her again yesterday and ask who the hell she's talking about, she comes back with "Oh I think you know. Think about it," then doesn't answer when I suggest Susan, claiming the phone rang and she'd "brb," which never happened. Alena knows how much Susan hurt me, she's used it as a reason for not attempting to have a relationship--she wouldn't want to be the reason for my pain if it didn't work out. So why, then, is she trying to screw with my mind and feelings like this by telling me she saw some "ex-girlfriend", knowing full well what my mind is going to fall on first? Why on earth would I want to know about that? So now I'm in a bit of a pissy mood; I'll have to vent to her away message, since she's almost never around. This crap really irks me though. Grr. |
| 07/06/03 18:22 EST | Today was a bit of a healing day for me. I was at work, and I was feeling down, as usual. I kept getting angry at every customer, and it was getting to the point when I was just about to snap on everything. So I took five, and I let myself think. In what some may think is an obvious turn, my thoughts fell on Susan (For those of you who don't know about Susan, a quick explanation. Susan is the woman I was with for ten months, fell completely in love with, and then lost when she went into the Air Force. What followed after that was two and a half years of half truths and other awkward situations that culminated in my stay at a local psychiatric center just about a month ago). Instead of beating myself up, though, I let myself be angry. I verbally cussed her out for everything she did to me. For nearly all of the five minutes I kept going, saying everything that I felt was unfair; her leaving, her lying, and her gall to expect me to be her friend even now, when she is married. After that, I was able to get through the rest of the day without much irritation. I have finally let myself be angry at Susan. My inability to let this happen before has been a significant factor in my depression. So I think today was a good day. |
| 07/06/03 09:15 EST | It occured to me, recently, that not many of my friends online know that much about what I do with my time, or know much about what I like or think. This is mainly because I do not like to express my beliefs when I am subject to criticism, I believe. It really makes no sense, as when I am with my friends in person I have no worries as to if my opinions or feelings are controversial. So these things, mainly, spawned my desire to make this site. Here, I will be able to write what I am feeling, or respond to daily events, and not have to worry about that. I hope it helps some of my friends online learn more about who I am and what I represent. |
